Ed was home for just over four days on a long weekend. On the first day home, Ed's great PO (juvenile probation officer) stopped over shortly after he arrived home. The PO gave him the rough marching orders for the weekend visit. We were armed with a new draft, post-placement contract that we learned to write at PSST. (We couldn't make it through this without PSST!) So, when Ralph got home, we gave Ed the contract. He wasn't happy, but Ed knew that we had some power back, and the old crap wasn't going to cut it anymore. We told him that this was practice for the contract, and as much as made sense, the contract was in-force now. As far as we can tell, there were zero contract violations! Ed tried to test the rules just once, and resurrected some sneaky activity at the end of the weekend -- more on that later. We consider the home visit a success, and await the placement and PO input as well.
How did we have a success? Well, Ed is very motivated to do well right now to regain his freedom. Also, luckily the PO and we introduced the rules-to-live-by (for us, the contract) up front -- defining expectations. Next, we made it easy to have a success -- staying away from people, places, and things that are tempting for Ed. This was easier for us than others possibly, because we could get Ed out of "Weedville", and exposed only to family. While not reality, a low-temptation environment kept Ed cool and even-keeled. Finally, we kept Ed busy -- very busy. Washing cars, painting, staining, plastering, sports, movies, games, video games, family visits, dinners, camp fires, cleaning, mowing, just about anything we could think of was tasked to our hard-working Ed. A little planning to make a BIG list ahead was all we needed, and there is always more work than time. Unlike some teens, Ed is very industrious when not a sloth because of drugs. So, we gave Ed what he likes -- things to do. Maybe this won't work for a lazy teen -- Ed's brother, Norton, couldn't do this -- but filling that teen's time up with activities, especially healthy ones that he likes, might be a good approach for the first home visit. Again, filling your teen's calendar won't be practical for post-placement reality, but it shows him that a drug-free life is possible while at home, even if just for four days. And if it works for four days, just keep that going!
Ed, like most teenagers, is smart at manipulating. Ed’s favorite way to manipulate is by being sneaky about activity that he doesn’t want us to know about, and then often lying about it. We’re not waiting for the lie this time, but the “sneaky” came during the last day of the visit. It seems Norton didn’t secure his computer, and Ed figured this out. Well, what difference does that make, you ask, if Ed didn’t violate his contract or contact his old friends on Norton’s computer? Let us tell you: Norton is an adult and doesn’t have adult-only restrictions on the web sites he can visit. And there are so, so, so many web sites these days that would more than fulfill the dreams of young men like Norton or Ed. In fact, that entertainment doesn’t leave anything for ones dreams, if you know what we mean.
So, after Ed went back to placement, Ralph checked Norton’s computer for activity, in case Ed had decided to contact old friends there. Well, that’s when he “met” Heather. Not an old friend, but a new 2D “friend”. And she didn’t have any clothes on, either. After a cursory look at the activity, Ralph got Alice to come to Norton’s room – not going down the Heather highway by him self, so to speak. This, Ralph has learned, will keep him out of the dog house. Then we painstakingly clicked on each web site that Ed thought was important to visit while he had snuck away from Alice, pretending to do some work for her. She loved this, by the way – Ed doing more work, not watching Heather. And there was Heather, in full action, sans clothing. And she had friends. Honestly, Ralph doesn’t remember Heather’s friends’ names or faces. Ed probably doesn’t remember them, either. Alice is trying to forget them. But now, we have a dilemma. Do we give Ed kudos for good behavior -- he didn’t violate his contract after all, and could have easily used Norton’s computer for forbidden behavior. Or, do we kick his butt up and down the street for manipulating Alice? Does Ed deserve some privacy, if he stays away from the really forbidden activities? Or do we come down hard on Ed for continuing sneaky activity, just like he did when he was doing drugs or committing crimes? Maybe we can call Heather, and see if she has any ideas. She has “live chat” available. You can comment back on this blog, and let us know what you think we should do. Or come to a PSST meeting.
We still have a long road ahead with Ed, but the First Home Visit is in the bag, and we're ready for a Narcotics Anonymous pass, or whatever helps Ed into his next step of recovery.
HOME VISIT FOR NEWBIES and HEATHER HAS NO CLOTHES........................Story by Ralph Kramden ( A PSST Parent)
Posted by:Sally--Friday, July 30, 2010
An Interesting Trip to the Cell Phone Store
Posted by:Sally--Wednesday, July 28, 2010
When Cathy and I were working on Cisco's Home Contract we covered so many situations carefully but were pressed for time and did not clearly decide how to handle the use of a cell phone. As a result, Cisco took it upon himself to reconnect his old cell phone by borrowing money off of a friend and paying for the service 'as you go'. After a discussion with Cisco's P.O. we decided to let Cisco keep the phone provided of course, that he hands me the phone at 11 o'clock each night. As you read in the previous post; we also used the phone as leverage when Cisco did something wrong, this was an easy and effective consequence. Even though he pays for the cell phone, I have the right to confiscate it if he is not living up to par. We took a trip to the cell phone store to purchase a cell phone service contract. You see, I had Cisco 'do the math' and he realized that if he continues borrowing from friends and scrounging up every penny of his hard earned money to pay for the cell 'as you go'; he would be spending at least $120.00 a month to keep in contact with his peers. Cisco was completely in charge and knew exactly what he wanted at the cell phone store. I was merely the driver and Cisco did not need any advice on how to secure a service contract. Oh! What a rude awakening it was. Cisco browsed the store while he waited for service. He was very happy to inform me that he had fifty dollars from his grocery store job and that he could purchase a new phone for only $19.99 and a two year contract. I tried to interject what a 'two year contract' entails but Cisco was too interested in playing with the soon- to- be purchased new cell phone. The service clerk was ready to help Cisco now. Cisco explained to David, the service clerk that he would like to purchase the $19.99 phone with the two year contract. Cisco did not hear David say that the phone was $69.99 upfront and then he would receive a $50.00 rebate in the mail. After David repeated this twice, I translated for Cisco and explained to him that he did not have the resources to buy the phone.
David told Cisco that he could come in at anytime with seventy dollars and buy a new phone and even receive a penny back in change. So Cisco decided he would save up the dollars and was now interested in the service contract on his old phone. The best deal was to get the two-year contract for $59.99 which included unlimited texting. Cisco was now more interested in hearing about what a two year contract means. I offered to lend him the ten additional dollars which he needed to get his service contract and be on his merry way.
Oh! No! There was one more hitch. Cisco needed to either have a co-signer on the service contract or David would have to run a credit check. Depending on Cisco's credit there would either be a zero, $120.00 or $400.00 deposit that the store would have to keep for one year at 3% interest. David asked me if I wanted to cosign and I said no. Cisco gave the clerk some identification to run a credit check. Cisco has to return to the store another time to complete the credit check because he also has to bring in his social security card which he does not carry in his wallet.
On the way home Cisco commented that a lot of his friend's parents pay for their teens cell phones but the he is not a 'pansy kid' and he will save up the money to get his own phone. I labeled this mature behavior. Cisco was a little distraught and I agreed with him that it all was indeed a very big hassle. I agreed full-heartedly because it was a lot of red tape. Never the less I did not co-sign.
This was rather a long drawn out story about our adventure in the cell phone store but I found it agreeable to stand back and let Cisco,who feels that he knows all that he needs to know in life, deal with the situation. It was an ideal learning situation. I did not critisize or act sarcastic. I simply did not want to be responsible for his phone bill when I do not feel it is fully necessary for him to have a cell phone. I really do feel that this is a hard lesson for an eighteen year old to learn. It is really an eye opener to realize how much money it cost to buy something that in the past was just taken for granted.
We Survived Week One
Posted by:Sally--Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Week One is over...... Cisco has been back home since last Monday. Every day I am thankful for the help that we received and are still receiving for our son's recovery. I found out that two of his friends who he used to get high with are in very bad straits. This makes me realize that Cisco would be right there with them if he did not go into placement. Even he feels that he is a lucky kid. I liked Lloyd's post about labeling the good and bad behavior and I am doing
that. I checked out some text messages on Cisco's cell phone. One thing I was unhappy about was that he was in contact with an old friend who he should not contact so we had a good talk this morning. Then I confiscated the phone for a day.
He went to the wave pool with an appropriate friend today. He asked for the phone back before he left for swimming saying that I would not be able to get in contact with him.
I did not fall for that. He will get the phone back tomorrow as originally decided. It is
good to be a parent in control but trust me... Cisco does want to be in control
and does push for it. He makes me work to keep the control. I am glad we
fought to keep Cisco on probation and in the system and that we have the help
and support that we have because it makes my job a lot easier. He was not too upset about me taking his phone. I am learning that when I stand firm he seems to realize that he cannot sway me. Now he did ask for the phone this evening and my answer was still, "No, you will get your phone back tomorrow morning". He only asked once and he accepted the answer. I thanked him for his mature attitude; labeling the good bahavior.
He asked for his phone first thing this morning. I asked him if he wanted to do something with me. Either work out at the gym or go out to eat breakfast. He chose to go to breakfast with me. I told him I would give him the cell phone for him to charge it for later use but I did not want him to take it to the restaurant with us. He was okay with this idea.
We had a very enjoyable breakfast. Cisco was attentive and we talked about his biological family and about how much fun his adoptive grandma used to be. He liked the fact that she used to play video games with him even though she was in her eighties. She actually wasn't too bad at it he mused. I recalled that my mom confessed to me that she enjoyed playing but mostly just kept pushing all buttons as quickly as possible and had no clue what she was doing! I kept that information to myself. His best comment was that even though he was not her biological grandchild he felt her love was so genuine and sincere. I cannot thank her for this because she has passed away but in my heart I thank her for this every day. Grandparents are just so special for teenagers and they leave a lasting impression on them.
I encourage grandparents to join us at PSST meetings since they are such an important part of their teenage grandchildren's lives.
Who is the big dog? Featured Technique: accept a win!
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Saturday, July 24, 2010
"You can't make me religious" he claimed. Then he went on to say other things of a hurtful nature.
She persisted and said if she was traveling all that way, she was going to church and he would just have to accept it.
So far so good. It's important that the mom set the stage and it's important that mom takes control of things on off-grounds visits so that her son believes that when he comes home there will be a new sheriff in town. That's when her son employed the old "OK, if you say I have to go, I'll go but blah blah blah" where he informed her of how horrible he thought she was and of how horrible he thought it was that they would go to "her church" but, yes, he would accompany Cruella de Vil and all of her Dalmatians to Church. It was all about what she wanted to do, wasn't it? What he wanted to do didn't matter. Don't they put you in jail for that in this country? Didn't the Pilgrims come over here to find religious freedom?
At this point the mom decided that she would just forgo the visit rather than let him win this one. She correctly saw that to have the visit and allow him to be in charge of what they do would be wrong because it would leave the strong impression that even when he is in placement he is still the big dog.
What she at first missed was this little part: she won. She is the big dog. He said he would go to church. He just doesn't like it. Mom did everything correct and of course it meets with her son's disapproval. The little dog is going to bark his head off over this. So? Mom won but it didn't feel like a win. Let's look at what is happening with our special PSST translator.
Son: OK OK I'll go to your stinkin church because it's not important what I want to do- it never is- the only thing that matters is that you get to spoonfeed me your brand of christianity.
SON, PSST translation: You really think you have some power? You really think you are in charge? Ha!
Mom: We aren't baby killers you know, and it won't kill you to come to church with me. I don't see why it's such a big deal. You should be happy to come with me, look at how far I travel to see you!
Mom, PSST translation: We can share the power. You can decide to come with me and I appreciate that. We are both powerful- and this is really important to me. If I present it the right way to you- you should WANT to come with me.
Son: Fine! I'll go! I'll do anything you want just because you say so. Oh Holy Mom, let me bow down and kiss your feet!
Son, PSST Translation: OK you be in charge but you won't want to be the one in charge for long because I'll make you pay for it- you'll be begging me to take over in no time. YOK you be in charge but you won't want to be the one in charge for long because I'll make you pay for it- you'll be begging me to take over in no time. You aren't tough enough for the job!
ou aren't tough enough for the job!
Mom: Forget it! I don't want to take you now and I don't even think I want to come up.
Mom, PSST Translation: Yes, I'm playing like I'm in charge and if you don't like it, I won't play. You have to learn to like it when I'm in charge.
OR- it could go this way.
Son: OK OK I'll go to your stinkin church because it's not important what I want to do- it never is- the only thing that matters is that you get to spoonfeed me your brand of christianity.
SON, PSST translation: You really think you have some power? You really think you are in charge? Ha!
Mom: Wow! You're going to hate going to my church with me!
Mom, PSST translation: Mom has employed the technique of agreeing with something that he says. She agreed that he would hate it- after all he says he will- he may or he may not but that doesn't matter here. Mom also assumes that he will comply. Mom understands that this isn't really about going to church, is it? This is about who is in charge.
Son: Yes. I am going to hate it and I shouldn't have to do it. This is a free country and you can't force religion on people and you should know that MOM!
Mom: OK. I see this will be a challenge for you. Regardless, I will pick you up at 10 on Sunday, we'll go to my Church, and then we'll go out to eat. After that maybe we'll see if there is something you want to do.
Mom, PSST translation: Yes, darn it, I am calling the shots. You don't have to like it but you will come with me and you can hate every stinkin minute- but you'll have to act appropriately. Mom presented this in the form of a challenge, meaning that he can't go there and act innapropriately either. Later, she can give him kudos for being such an adult about it (if he handles himself appropriately). The fact that he was resistant about going makes it even more to his credit later. "Even feeling the way you did about going, I'm very proud that you came with me and I don't think you even complained once we got there! Thanks. I think that was real "adult-stuff." (see labeling in the post right below this one.) Use of the power word nevertheless, showed that mom wasn't about to argue.
Son: Fine! I'll go! I'll do anything you want just because you say so. Oh Holy Mom, let me bow down and kiss your feet!
Son, PSST Translation: OK you be in charge but you won't want to be the one in charge for very long because I'll make you pay for it- you'll be begging me to take over in no time.
Mom: Ok, was there anything else? I'll see you Sunday!
Mom, PSST Translation: I know you will resent me being the one in charge, nevertheless, I will be the one in charge.
When you win you win. To the victor goes the spoils. That means that there is a cost to be the one in charge. You don't get to be the buddy anymore. You are sometimes resented. Just like the boss at work. Every decision is not a popular one; however, by accepting that and paying the price to be the big dog, you get respect. Respect is what you need now in order to supervise your teen. Love and approval (from them) comes later. Sometimes much later.
If you are willing to pay the price, you get to be the one in charge. If it's support and approval that you want, you don't get it from your teenager. You have to find that somewhere else.
Come to a PSST meeting because we have plenty of support and approval for you- especially if your doing your best to be the one in charge. We clap. We cheer; because at PSST we know just how hard it can be to be the big dog. We think it's worth it because only if you are the one in charge can you have a hope to steer your wayward teenager in the right direction. Of course, while your doing the "steering" he might be barking his head off!
Who is the big dog? Featured Technique: Label Behavior.
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Saturday, July 24, 2010
I was recently meeting with a parent and her teenager. The teenager admittedly has anger problems. From time to time he has outbursts where he will raise his voice and go on and on about something that he is angry about. He said, "I'm getting better with it- but it's something I do; I'm working on it."
He denied that he was using these outbursts to intimidate and control people. He said he just has anger issues.
I challenged him, that indeed, his mother was afraid of him. He looked doubtful and asked his mother if that was true. She replied, "Well I'm afraid of upsetting you, but I'm not afraid that you'll hurt me."
Once someone learns to be afraid of upsetting someone, that person has employed a technique that helps to keep control. Parents do it with children and it works; we all do it to some degree with people in our lives. We all have a line that when crossed will send us into a different gear and anyone around us will have to contend with us.
Still, when the teenager uses this technique on a regular basis to attempt to control his parents, it creates an imbalance of power in favor of the teenager. The teenager doesn't have to take responsibility for his behavior because he is labeling his behavior as an "anger problem." That's just who he is. He's working on it but since he has anger issues, and various therapists have confirmed this, then he doesn't have to take responsibility for his behavior.
Once he heard his mother state that she was afraid of upsetting him he seemed to soften his attitude about just what he was doing. Was he trying to control people this way or not? He allowed that while he might not be trying to get something he wanted every time he had an outburst, the fact that he has them on a regular basis was sort of a way to control others.
"Lets help with that," I suggested. "How can you help?" he asked. I wasn't sure. I suggested that we make him an offer he can't refuse. I was thinking that if it cost him something when he had outbursts, that he might have fewer of them. I was thinking along the lines of privileges withdrawn or some sort of sanctions. He got my drift. At that point, I asked him if he had any ideas of what would help and he came up with this idea.
"Tell me when I'm doing it. Say, 'hey, you're intimidating me.'" "That's it, I asked? That will help?" He thought so. I asked his mother if she was willing to try that because it sounded like an excellent idea. She agreed.
So far, so good. The very next day after our meeting this teenager was upset about going to his outpatient program. People there were really making him angry. He was getting louder and louder as he was venting in the car on the way home. His mother said, "You're intimidating me." He replied, "Oh I am?" He calmed down.
When I met with the two of them again, I congratulated the teenager on coming up with a great idea. That really worked. It was a much better idea than what I was thinking about. It's sort of like the use of the technique "Now." When you can get a teenager's behavior on track without punishing him or rewarding him, you are better off. This technique just labels the behavior as intimidating and if it works, you have just taken a short cut to extinguishing that particular manipulative technique.
Of course, this might work best if you have the discussion about it first. Admit that you are finding that you are afraid of upsetting him. Ask him if he thinks that labeling his behavior as intimidating would help. Then follow through. Don't just label it half the time. Label it every time his voice is raised.
What would stop a parent from using this technique? A parent would think, "Well, he is really angry. He can't help himself right now. I have to make allowances because he is really angry- he is upset." This thinking is part of the problem. Once you have established that there is a problem with intimidating behavior then you must label all of it irrespective of how angry he is feeling. You are trying to help him unlearn behavior and your feedback to him has to be consistent, specific, and immediate in order to help him the most. So what if he is angry? Let him find a better way to deal with it. Even if you feel that he has a good reason to be angry, challenge him to deal with it in a better way.
What else might stop a parent from using this technique? If the parent also has outbursts on a regular basis where people have learned that they don't want to upset the apple cart, meaning they don't want to upset the parent! In this case, the apple does not fall far from the tree. In other words, this could be a technique that the teenager has come by honestly in as much as he has seen this technique work for other family members. If that is the case, then it is time to ask the teenager for help. Tell him that you also are trying to change. Ask him to help you by pointing out your intimidating behavior to you so that you can stop using this technique also.
There is power in labeling. The teenager has employed a powerful technique when he labels his behavior as an "anger problem." That means it's not really his responsibility is it? Or at least it's something that he can be "working on" and if he's working on it shouldn't everyone be tolerant? Of courses, this becomes counter-productive. Labeling something as an anger problem appears to be designed to help the person with the anger problem keep the control. Don't upset the teenager by confronting him because he has an anger problem. Sort of like don't upset the animals in the zoo because we all know they can't control themselves; however, we may be underestimating our teens when we conclude that they can't control themselves. What we know about verbal abusers (another label) is that they can almost always control themselves. They rarely have outbursts at work. They rarely have outbursts around several people. Usually it is just around one or two people who always seem to be targeted.
The parent employs the same technique when they label behavior as intimidating. It helps stop the behavior. Other behavior can also be labeled. Whining can be labeled; however, don't berate the teen by labeling, just matter-of-factly state that this is whining and no one gets anything when they whine about it. Forget it. Whining? Then the answer is no.
You can also label mature behavior for what it is. What if you see your teenager ask for something, you say you don't know, and they say, "OK, just let me know, I know you have to think it over." That's a great time to say, "you know what honey, I think that a very mature way to ask for something. You might not get what you're asking for but I have to tell you that I'm impressed that you can ask for it in such a cool way. Like your getting more mature- you know, growing up." You might call it "adult behavior." "That was very adult-stuff you just did!"
There are other behaviors that it might be helpful to label. Once you have a name for a behavior, use that same name each time you label it. Try not to use it to berate or nag the teenager with it. Try to use it as a teaching tool but at the same time- it's a way to stand up to your teen. It's hard to continue to intimidate when some one sees what you are doing and points it out to you. That's power. That's one more thing that can help you be the big dog.
