Things You Find When Looking For Something Else
- The 3 C's
Often after getting help we wonder why did we wait so long before looking for support and learning how to use the resources that are available to us.
We become aware of a serious problem with the behavior of our teen. We see them changing in negative ways and may even understand that alcohol/drugs are involved. Usually we think that we can handle the situation ourselves.
The idea that our son or daughter might be an addict is so disturbing that we will focus on almost any other issue as the main issue (friends, school, our job). Sometimes we know the reality in our heads but can't or won't accept it in our heart. This split between head and heart is not unusual but may prevent us from moving forward toward learning how to respond to our child’s drug use in a healthy way and seek help and resources for them, ourselves and our family.
First of all many of us don't really understand addiction. The second issue is that the concept of addiction carries with it a heavy load of blame, shame, guilt, failure, and is unfortunately and inaccurately seen as a reflection on the character of our family.
Our tendency is to try to take care of problems within our family and not to "air out our dirty laundry." This behavior tends to isolate the family and reduces our chance of learning more about the reality of addiction and how to contact and use resources that could be helpful.
What do you do with that urge, or obsession, to control your teenage drug/alcohol user’s every move?
It is important to remember the 3 C's.
We didn't Cause the addiction.
We can't Control the addiction.
We can't Cure the addiction.
The 3 C's might sound like we are more helpless than we want to be. We would rather force ourselves into the situation rather than believe we are helpless in a family crisis.
Parent Survival Skills Training (PSST) can help you to understand what you are dealing with when you have an addicted adolescent in your family, help you reduce your feelings of isolation and anxiety, help you relate to your entire family, help you feel better about yourselves and stay connected to friends and other people you know in the community.
PSST can help you with the following:
1. Understand the nature of the disease of addiction.
2. Understand the difference between your teen’s issues and your issues.
3. Understand and begin to implement the 3 C's
.
4. Understand and begin to implement the new 3 C-C's based on what you can do.
5. Learn how to manage anxiety and fear. Learn how they drive unhealthy reactions to the addict.
6. Learn how to use resources both inside and outside your family.
It may take a while before your teenager fully accepts their recovery program. But in the mean time PSST will help you find a sense of balance, self-control and general well-being in your life. When you act from a sense of balance, you have the presence of mind to “be there” for your teen in a meaningful, rather than a desperate way. You have the ability to think clearly and make better decisions. You will know the difference between what your issues are and what your teen’s issues are.
So, what do you do with the urge to control your addict’s every move?
Start by controlling your every move.
Get yourself to a PSST meeting (or find help at www.alanon.org or www.naranon.org), put your health and well-being first, and start treating your teen properly – regardless of whether or not he or she is meeting your expectations of how to live life.
Start to really LIVE your life yourself. Enjoy your moments, hours and days; stay in present time; Breathe deeply and enjoy the company of the people around you without allowing every other word you speak to be about the addict in your life.
Of course that’s just the beginning and at the same time it’s an awful lot.
They say there are only 4 ends to an addict: jail, death, recovery or institution. The same can be said for the co-addict. Stop your obsession and begin to live a life in recovery TODAY!
The New 3 C-C's:
Remember that in fact we are not helpless and if we are to make the best use of important resources we need to learn the new 3 C-C's.
What we Can Cause: Improvement in our well being, increased knowledge about addiction, treatment and how to respond to our teenager.
What we Can Control: Our environment, How we respond to addiction, How we allow ourselves to be treated.
What we Can Cure: Our own emotional and physical health.
The 3 C's and other information concerning Families and Addiction can be found at the following web sites:
12StepFamily.com - dedicated to reaching out to the family members of addicts of all types and help them get the information they need to improve their life circumstances whether the addict is still using or not!
http://12stepfamily.com/category/parents-of-addicts/
Families and Addiction Blog - An ongoing dialogue about how family members can help themselves, the addicted person they care about and learn to use resources in their community.
http://familiesandaddiction.blogspot.com/
Things You Find When Looking For Something Else - The 3 C's
Posted by:Rocco--Monday, July 19, 2010
Summary – PSST Meeting July 17, 2010 Mt Lebanon
Posted by:Rocco--Monday, July 19, 2010
Summary – PSST Meeting July 17, 2010
Mt Lebanon
DON’T PANIC
If you are having problems with your teenager and suspect drug abuse please come to our next meeting. PSST is here to empower the PARENTS of teenage substance abusers and/or Juvenile Court Youth with the support, information, skills and techniques a parent needs to SUCCEED in helping their teenager save their own life.
We had another great turnout at this week’s PSST meeting at OUTREACH TEEN AND FAMILY SERVICES in Mt Lebanon.
Val, Kathie and Lloyd led the meeting. We had 11 parents and 1 boyfriend representing 9 families.
Each of us had an opportunity to talk over our own situations and issues. We discussed parents becoming skilled at how to take back the power in their homes, teens that turn to alcohol, teens in various stages of recovery and some ways that we can get through to our teens.
We discussed various tactics we use to handle teen drug abuse. There are many ways from the direct approach (“Just do it, or else!”) to the “Iron Fist / Velvet Glove” methods.
Before deciding on which technique to use (sorry there is no “ONE-SIZE-FITS-ALL” method) try to first understand how the adolescent brain operates, especially the adolescent brain on drugs. 
Expecting the same response from a teenage drug user that you get from a non-using adolescent, or an adult, will only lead to disappointment, exasperation and frustration.
Here is some information from NIDA (National Institute on Drug Abuse) –
What Do Drugs Do to the Brain?
Drugs are chemicals. They work in the brain by tapping into its communication system and interfering with the way nerve cells normally send, receive, and process information. Different drugs—because of their chemical structures—work differently. In fact, some drugs can change the brain in ways that last long after the person has stopped taking drugs, maybe even permanently. This is more likely when a drug is taken repeatedly.
Isn’t Becoming Addicted to a Drug Just a Character Flaw?
The first time people use drugs, it’s usually a conscious decision they’ve made. But once people become addicted, they are dealing with a brain disease. Each drug of abuse has its own individual way of changing how the brain functions. But in most cases, it doesn’t really matter which drug a person is addicted to; many of the effects it has on the brain are similar. The fact is that our brains are wired to make sure we will repeat activities, like eating, by associating those activities with pleasure or reward. Whenever this reward circuit is activated, the brain notes that something important is happening that needs to be remembered, and teaches us to do it again and again, without thinking about it. Because drugs of abuse stimulate the same circuit, we learn to abuse drugs in the same way. So while the initial decision to take drugs is a choice for some, a physical need replaces that choice. This is what’s known as addiction.
Isn’t Drug Addiction a Voluntary Behavior?
A person may start out taking drugs voluntarily, but as time passes and drug use continues, something happens that makes a person go from being a voluntary drug user to a compulsive drug user.
Shouldn't Treatment for Drug Addiction Be a One-Shot Deal?
No—it’s not like treating a broken bone. Like diabetes and even asthma, drug addiction typically is a chronic disorder. Some people can quit drug use “cold turkey,” or they can quit after receiving treatment just one time at a rehabilitation facility. But most who have become addicted to drugs need longer term treatment and, in many instances, repeated treatments—much like a person who has developed asthma needs to constantly monitor changes in medication and exercise. The important point is that even when someone relapses, they should not give up hope. Rather they need to go back to treatment or modify their current treatment. In fact, setbacks are likely. Even people with diabetes may go off their diet or miss an insulin injection, and their symptoms will recur—that’s a cue to get back on track, not to view treatment as a failure.
The NIDA (National Institute on Drug Abuse) website is an invaluable resource for information.
As one of our experienced PSST dads put it “We all need to adjust our own behavior, our own lifestyle and our perception of our teenage drug abusers. It is not that the addict doesn’t care. It is not that they are not ashamed of what they are doing. It is not that they don’t want to recover. It is that their addiction causes them to be so narrowly focused on their primary goal of getting their next high that they don’t see that their lives are unmanageable.”
We need to accept that this is not just “their” problem. This is the whole family’s problem. This is now our reality and we need to adjust our way of life if our child is going to recover. Three items that are indispensable for us and our teen are honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness to change.
There are several posts on the PSST Blog that address the topic of the Adolescent Brain.
The Adolescent Brain – Posted April 2010
“Adolescent Brains are under such rapid growth that indeed they are in many ways not like adult brains. Once we understand this, we can understand some of these mysterious behaviors such as risk-taking…”
Two Books That May Help – Posted August 2009
“As a parent going frantic over my child’s drug use with its related anti-social behaviors and criminal activities, a dear friend suggested I read this set of books written by a father and son detailing the same issue..”.
Drugs and the Brain – Posted December 2006
“The more parents understand what is happening during this critical period of brain development, the better they will be able to respond to the needs of their children...”
This post also links to the NIDA (National Institute on Drug Abuse) website.
Our thanks to OUTREACH TEEN AND FAMILY SERVICES for the use of their space.
The next Parent Survival Skills Training (PSST) meeting is Saturday August 7 from 9:00 a.m. to 11:30 a.m. at the Allegheny County Eastern Probation Office in Wilkinsburg.
C'mon in and join us. There is no cost or commitment.
Our meetings are open to all parents who are serious about making a difference in their children’s life.
"One Down, One to GO" Story by Max (A PSST Parent)
Posted by:Sally--Monday, July 19, 2010
"One Down, One to GO" Story by Max
For those of you who have read my previous postings, David is my younger of 2 boys. He doesn't realize it yet but he is a lucky guy. At this moment his dad is escorting him to his new boarding school in Utah.
Why school now in the middle of summer, why all the way in Utah - these are the most frequently asked questions. I always answer in the most streamlined way; because this is a different type of school that has rolling admission; they accept kids 365 days a year.
Utah is a rugged place with lots of opportunity for out door experiential therapies and regular fun activities.
Yes, it's very far from Pittsburgh, no, he can't come home whenever he wants, but we will visit him and have family therapy via conference call weekly.
No cell phones or cigarettes allowed. Does any of this sound remotely familiar to anyone?
Sounds like placement in a D&A facility like Gateway Yes, or similar.
Only parents that have toyed with this type of placement would really understand that although we love them and wish they could stay at home, it is better for all sides to be sent elsewhere - at least for the time being. I know my PSST friends understand with zero justification.
David's path to this point has already been documented in 2 previous blogs (Max and Mel's Terrible Adventure Part I & Max and Mel's Terrible Adventure Part II) - feel free to read.
Bottom line for David is that there was no private school in Pittsburgh that would take him with the combination of poor grades and oppositional behaviors, and public school is now out of the question - we are involved in our kids school and always have been, but it isn't a reciprocal relationship. His public high school where his brother Michael is currently falls through crack after crack was not an option. He would be sliding the already slippery slope.
So my husband Mel and I did some research and hired an educational consultant. We explained what we were hoping for; a school that would understand a kid like David and the terrible year of school, bad friends and marijuana that he experienced.
A place where he couldn't be kicked out of for being oppositional, or even cursing at a teacher, sneaking a cigarette, or having a dirty urine screen.
A place that will get him back to the athlete he was before marijuana use made him a slug.
A place that will teach him how to learn so there is a chance that he won't find school so miserable and may actually learn something.
A place that helps him get his big personality down to manageable size.
Since David was only on an extended contract and not formally charged, some of the placements in our area would have been inappropriate. He wasn't actually in the system.
We have the experience of his older brother Michael to relate to, (also in previous blog "Max and Mel's terrible adventure; the prequel") so we understood basically what was out there.
We also know our son very well, and understood his best chance was to remove him from Pittsburgh altogether to a place that is dedicated to helping trouble teens like David. We are fortunate we are able to send him, and he as I said is a lucky guy. In retrospect he will see this.
It was difficult to make the decision, difficult to tell him, difficult to get him there - but this morning at 5 A.M. he willingly got into the car to go to the airport.
Perhaps there is a part of him that understands by now why he is going, that he needs to go. All I know is, I don't feel like crying right now, because I spent the last year crying and worrying. He is now in a safe place. Maybe I can relax a bit and take a deep breath before embarking on the next chapter of our other son Michaels' treatment...stay tuned!
Summary of July 10 PSST Meeting in Wexford
Posted by:Rocco--Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Summary of July 10 PSST Meeting in Wexford
It was a beautiful sunny July day outside in Wexford on Saturday. Inside Trinity Lutheran Val, Lloyd and Kathie T from Wesley Spectrum led the PSST meeting along with 5 perceptive PSST parents in attendance. We had some very good discussion as well as some great coffee, donuts, brownies, cookies and savory sweet cherries.
There was a single mom who explained how she has taken back the power in her home. She is controlling her emotions and will no longer allow her son to manipulate her into feeling bad about herself. She is now responding in a calm but authoritative manner to his tantrums. This has taken away one of her son’s main tactics to get his way and has him looking at his mom in a new light.
One of our enlightened PSST moms returned to talk about her son’s current situation. He had completed his inpatient program in January. He was enrolled in a local ‘academy’ to get him back on track to graduate high school. He was well on his way and even had a very nice internship set up. And then he and some classmates became involved in an infraction which resulted in him being asked to leave the program (including the internship). The mom is very upset, of course, that her son is missing this opportunity to advance his education. The group discussed his circumstances and raised the question of which is more critical to this teenager at this time; his education or getting help with his behavioral issues? Val, Kathy and Lloyd pointed out that there are programs available that would primarily address his behavioral issues while still providing for his education. It may not be the same education available at the ‘academy’ but he needs to understand that his behavior must improve if he is going to succeed with any level of education.
We had updates from Max on how her and Mel’s sons (Michael and David) are progressing in their recovery and also from Sally and Rocco on their son’s (Cisco) impending homecoming from Liberty Station. The boys are at various stages in their recovery but both sets of parents have restored control in their homes and have stability back in their lives.
Things are not perfect but we PSST Parents have the “tools” and we know how to use them. And most important we have the support and encouragement from the professionals and our fellow parents at PSST.
Thanks to all who attended this meeting especially Val, Kathy and Lloyd for their continued counseling.
We look forward to some experienced parents attending our future meetings to continue our discussions and offer whatever wisdom or insights they may have to offer. We would like to see some not-so-experienced parents continue to attend our meetings to work through their dilemmas and their doubts. We are always looking for some new parents to join us so we can offer them help and some hope.
"By helping others succeed, we help ourselves succeed. Whatever good we give will complete the circle and will come back to us."
Our goal at PSST is to empower the PARENTS of teenage substance abusers and/or Juvenile Court Youth with the support, information, skills and techniques a parent needs to SUCCEED in helping their teenager save their own life.
A note to parents thinking about attending their first PSST Meeting: The first meeting may seem a bit overwhelming and you might feel a little uncomfortable. That is okay. Sally and I felt that way when we attended our first meeting three years ago. We now wish that at that time we would have stuck it out longer. Regardless we were happy to be able to return two years later for our second meeting and find acceptance as well as a lot of support, wisdom and understanding. Our family is now healing, hopeful and heading in the right direction.
PSST Announcement:
An “Informational Video” will probably be produced at the Wexford site (Trinity Lutheran Church) following the August Meeting. Any and all participation in the video will be strictly voluntary. The purpose of the video will be to promote Parents Survival Skills Training and to attract further participation by parents. Watch the PSST Blog for more information.
We all would like to sincerely thank Trinity Lutheran Church for the use of their first class facilities to allow PSST to empower parents of out-of-control teenagers. This is a great example of how Trinity Lutheran has been reaching out and serving Wexford and the northern suburbs since 1845.
We look forward to seeing more concerned parents next Saturday, July 17 at the PSST meeting at the Outreach Teen and Family Services located in Mt. Lebanon at 666 Washington Road (There is free parking in the back lot).
C'mon in and join us.
Our PSST meetings are open to all parents who are serious about making a difference in their children’s life.
We Can Do It
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Last night I listened to a grandmother talk about how she continues to make regular trips to the hospital with her daughter who repeatedly overdoses on Heroin but at the same time this grandmother is supporting her granddaughter in outpatient meetings. She talked of how she and her husband cruise from one crisis to the next, dropping everything important in their lives to help keep their daughter and her daughter alive. Also, there are other family issues that drain the grandparents.
Here are my thoughts on the huge sacrifice that these and many other parents all over make towards their children.
1. A SOMETIMES MYTH: "If it's saving a life, it can't be enabling." Obviously, administering CPR to someone who has overdosed is not enabling- it's saving a life; however, taking your adult drug-addict to the ER several times a month because he has a back problem may be far from saving his life. It may be helping him with drug-seeking behavior as his trip to the hospital clearly is intended to get pain meds. Buying heart medication, which is not covered by your adult drug addicts health care may be saving a life; however, buying stomach medication, which is likewise not covered when you are pretty sure that he just spent his last dollar on a bag of weed may be enabling. Helping your child by taking him the doctor when he is in withdrawal may be saving a life; however, taking him into a nefarious part of town to cop drugs when he is withdrawing may be enabling him towards drug seeking behavior.
It is all a judgement. A good rule of thumb is to be afraid of helping too much. Drug addicts are adept at allowing people to do many things for them that they are quite capable of doing for themselves.
2. Myth: the only thing that really matters is helping my child through this problem. Not really. If you don't take care of yourself you can't take care of others. Set a good example for your addict by having your own life where you pursue happiness by having good relationships where you spend time with people you care about, and have strong interests and hobbies. Work out. Eat well. Get lots of sleep. Be strong. That way, when the real crisis comes you will be ready. Say no to a lot of requests from your adult and teen-age addicts. To them everything may seem like a crisis. It helps your teenagers grow up when they are expected to solve some of their own problems. Be there for them when you know it is a real crisis or when you know that they are finally ready to change their lives for the better.
3. Myth: If I say "NO" about a request I have abandoned my teen and I'm the only one there for him! You have not abandoned him because you have said no about something. You may not be the only one there for him either. Remember, addicts (especially ones that are still using) are adept at turning everything into a monumental crisis and they may be adept at convincing parents that they are the only ones who can help. Sometimes parents aren't the best people to help. (Of course, we all love to hear how important we are.)
4. SOMETIMES MYTH: There is nothing else I can do. When we start thinking that we have no options it may be that we are missing something. Especially, when we stop trying to hold them accountable, when we are just too tired to fight anymore; then it's time to look at our options. There could be several things that we have decided not to do that might just be the ticket! Keep an open mind. Listen to others. Re-evaluate options and don't give up. Keep up the good fight.
For example, if you know your teen will go out anyway, even if you tell him that he is forbidden to leave the house, then don't give up. Tell him he is grounded and look for a more radical approach. Let him know that you know he is out-of-control and that you will be taking serious steps to regain control; this may involve using the authorities or stripping him of all belongings including many of his best outfits. Hit him where it hurts. Take his cell phone- remove his computer to the trunk of your car. Demand that he have an assessment and that he begin outpatient. Don't give up. There is almost always more that you can do. It is not easy but it's better than giving up. Read the post on Should I get My child a PO. Also, "if you do what you always do, you get what you always got" (12-step saying). Try something different if what you are doing is not working.
Keep fighting but fight smart. Sometimes what we are doing is counter-productive. Stop. Re-evauluate if what your are doing is helping. We may be powerless to make the addict choose a better way but on the otherhand we can sometimes raise the bottom for them so that it gets harder and harder for our addict to continue to make bad decisions. That's the important thing. Keep helping but ask yourself, "Am I helping him to continue to abuse drugs or am I helping him towards recovery?"
