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Quote of the Week
"If I cannot do great things, I can do small things in a great way" ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.
THE PLAN: SIMPLIFICATION LOVE, ACCOUNTABILITY, EXAMPLE (Note-you can find part-one of Ed's post here.) Have you ever been so angry, confused, frustrated and afraid as a result of the chaos in your life and that of your family caused by the actions of someone close to you who is suffering and struggling with the disease of addiction that you just did not know where to turn or how to react? I know that I have, more than once, numerous times. And most likely, you have, or you probably would not be reading this blog. Surely, all of us who do experience or have experienced these feeling understand, at some level, that they are valid, and that we did not cause the situations that bring them into our lives. Thus, much of our anger becomes directed at the perpetrator, as we see them, our addicted loved one
What is wrong with this picture, or is there anything wrong other than the addiction, which in itself, presents everyone involved with plenty of wrong to go around?
I nearly gave up. Everything was terrible. You may know the feeling. I finally had to ask myself, “What do I owe this person—my son?” It was a question that had to be answered in my heart and in my head, or giving up and becoming an on-going, hopeless victim was inevitable.
I was in a struggle for reason and, in a real sense, sanity as I had previously known it. It haunted me for days, weeks, perhaps months. I was actually considering disowning my addicted son who, himself, I knew was suffering deeply. What kind of a father would ever do that? It was something that I knew needed a lot of hard work on my part. So, I sucked it up, and did the work. Here is how that went.
I committed a specific amount of time each day to consideration of and making notations about my thoughts and feeling on the matter, attempting to view, objectively, the past and current events around it. Twenty minutes a day, alone in a quiet place, contemplating past and current events and the future.
Outside of that committed time, I made every effort possible to focus on my life, my business, and others around me without the interruptions caused by the problems of my son’s addiction―not an easy task, as you can imagine, when a substantial portion world around you, at times, seems to be going mad.
But, as in a world heavily influenced by addiction nothing is easy or simple, we can improve as we go, and we can control our own attitude one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time, moment-to-moment.
But, how—how can we do that? The answer for me came through what I would call simplification. We have all heard it. In the programs it is often referred to as the “KISS” principle, “Keep It Simple Stupid!”.
Well, keeping it simple for me proved to be not so stupid after all. In fact, it became the basis of an even more powerful mantra, at least for me. It is mantra that I carry with me now constantly, a mantra that has proved its value to me over a number of years—Love, Accountability, Example. This is what I discovered that I owed my addicted adolescent, and still owe to my addicted adult son.
Love, unconditional love, is the first thing that I discovered through my contemplations that I owed to my addicted son. I am responsible for his conception and birth, how can I not be responsible for loving him? And, actually loving my son enough to watch or, at times, even cause him suffering in order to facilitate positive change in his life—well, that, to me, seems to be a higher standard of love.
Accountability is the second thing that became obvious to me that I owed my addicted son. Everyone wants their children to become productive, responsible, happy adults. In order for that to happen, we must hold them accountable for their actions, and love them enough to initiate the appropriate consequences when necessary.
And, Example, an excellent example, is the third thing that I concluded that I owed my addicted son. Our children learn by observing us. We must set an excellent example, if we expect them to succeed. In order to nurture people of integrity, we must be people of integrity.
Are there other things that we owe the addicts in our lives? Well, possibly. But, I have found, over the years, that virtually all of the other things that I have been able to think of or have run across, can be, somehow, relegated into those three categories.
Our addiction incessantly attempts to complicate our lives, often by convincing us, in our addicted state of confusion, that all of the minutia is of the utmost importance. So, now you have the plan to beat it—simplification.
Your plan may or may not be or even include Love, Accountability and Example. But, that is what has worked for me in restoring day-to-day sanity to my life, and helping to produce positive results in the life of my chemically addicted son, who, after 20 years of active use, is now approaching one year clean and sober.
Whatever you may find that works for you, simplification, as opposed to complication, seems a good and logical place to start your search.
 There is a new video game in town -
her name is Lori.
My name is Lori, and I am the mom of a teenage drug addict. He is a typical teenager from middle class America, but made the mistake of experimenting with drugs. His name is Zachariah and his drug use developed into a problem. As all drug addicts do, he became a master at manipulation. As his problem grew his need to control me became increasingly crucial and he became a skilled technician at pushing my buttons.
All parents know that their kids can push their buttons. From birth, kids instinctively know how to manipulate us to satisfy their needs. And by the time they are teenagers, most have developed this button-pushing into an art form. How extra creative they become at pushing these buttons when they start using drugs.
Once our teenagers have a need for drugs, they continue to push our buttons in anticipation that we will continue to satisfy them. Now it is no longer to satisfy their needs as a healthy growing child, but to destroy the person they are to become. For it is the drugs that they now crave, and they will eliminate anyone and anything in their path. And the more we try to stand in their way, the more buttons they create. And the more we interfere with their access to the drugs, the more creative our teenager becomes in pushing our buttons.
Once drugs are involved, this art form of button-pushing is now elevated to new levels. Not only have they created several new buttons, they know what button to push, when they need a given reaction. New buttons are constantly being created. Old buttons are being used over and over again. Buttons being pushed for every situation where they need to control us. They need to convince us that we must accommodate them regardless of the sick feeling in our gut, they want us to think that it is not as bad as it seems and that they really do not need to do those things the counselors, teachers, police are saying, that nobody else understands them, that they are being accused of things that are not true, that they try so hard and no one gives them credit for anything, that they don't deserve what is happening to them, that they thought they could count on us and now we are betraying them as everyone else is, that we are pushing them away and they can no longer trust us, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.
Zach had one sad story after the next. He certainly had an impressive collection of sad-story buttons. All of these buttons have the same message, "I want more drugs". All have the same desired outcome, "Get out of my way, because I am going to get these drugs". Have no doubt, this is their ambition; their only ambition. The rest of all their words, well, they are all just smoke and mirrors. Furthermore, the closer you get to the addiction and the more often you interfere with their access to the drugs; the more pathetic their stories become. They will be told with increased anger and viciousness. So be prepared for an onslaught of their fury, displayed at a level that you have never seen before. Be prepared to have your buttons pushed in a manner that will force you into unbearable situations.
I do not even want to remember all the things Zach said to me or all the things that Zach has done. But I can't forget them either, even years later. However I do hold these words, and all of the other stuff that came with it, in a place that is different and separate from my son. In a place I call "Zach's Addiction" for it is the addiction that drives their behavior.
If you ever wonder, "Why is he doing these things? What on earth is he thinking? " Just ask yourself another question, "Does it get him one step closer to his stuff?" And the answer will always be, "Yes! " They say and do these things, because they crave the drug. That is their only objective. It is nothing personal. And it sure isn't complicated. They want the drugs and you are standing in their way. It is that simple.
But, do not confuse the addiction with your child. And do not lose this focus on what is really happening. While they are still using, regardless of how often, all you see is the addiction. Their words, their actions are driven by the addiction, while your kid is entombed deep inside. The addiction controls everything they do, everything they say; while your child stays buried and crying out for help. And their behavior becomes more and more brazen, blatant, shameless and bizarre, to force their cry's to become louder and louder.
Believe me. When you are saying, "My God! How can he do these things?" Your kid is saying, "My God! Why can't she hear me!"
Regardless of how painful it is to watch this drug addiction consume your child. Regardless of how much more painful it is to do whatever is necessary to take the drugs away from your child. Never forget that it is you that they are depending on to stop them. It is you they expect to help them. To really help them! You need to stop their consumption of the drugs. This is what they really want you to do. This is what they really need you to do. Regardless of what the addiction is saying or doing.
And never forget that your kid is in there somewhere. He may have morphed into something you cannot recognize, but he is still in there. Never give up hope on that! Accept what must be done. You must stop the access to the drugs, and do it anyway you can. Do not listen to your teenager during this process, because it is the addiction that is talking. But hang onto the reality that your kid wants out of their Addiction Prison, and when he is strong enough to finally accept Drug Recovery, your kid will resurface, greet you, and Thank You!
But in the meantime, they continue to push our buttons as their addiction is playing us. This button pushing does work so very effectively, as we step aside in ignorance and unknowingly give them access to their drugs. It works so effectively because we are so predictable. We are so consistent in how we react, that our buttons can be labeled. And your kid and mine have these labels memorized.
One of the first buttons they need is an off button. When all else fails, when we will not step aside, they bring out the nuclear option, because they need something to just shut us down. Every drug using teenager has one, and Zach certainly knew my off button. If I was able to eliminate his access to the drugs long enough, he became desperate enough to threaten to leave.
“Be careful Mom .... The next thing you say to me, may be your last.” or “Be careful what you say Mom. I know people in upstate New York and I can be gone in a heartbeat. You will never see me again. You will never see me again.” And these words terrified me. They fed into my greatest fear, that I would lose him to the underground world of drug use. I believed that I would never see him again.
Without question, Zach had a button for whatever he needed me to do. If he needed me to raise my left leg, he had a button. If he needed to me raise my right arm, he had a button. If he needed me to take two steps backwards, he had a button. If he needed to me give him money, he had a button. And if he wanted me to shut-up and get out of his way, he had a button for that too.
If your teenager is using drugs, there is no doubt that there is a new video game in town and this video game is you! The only keeper of the game controller is your teenager. In all your dealings with your teenager, just picture him with the game controller and you can see him push those buttons as you can see yourself behave in that given, consistent manner.
Our consistent behavior does make us predictable but we back into this behavior for many reasons. One is, we are reliable. And they play on that. Another is, that we are responsible. And they play on that too. But even more so, we are not outrageous. We want to exhibit adult behavior, mature behavior and they play on that as well. We love them and we are afraid to lose them and they really play on that one.
We are so predictable and the addiction feeds from it. Our teenagers are comfortable with their abilities to get access to the drugs, because they can rely on our predicable behavior, just like a video game. What button to push when? Have no doubt, they know the exact button to push, when they need a given reaction from you.
One night, I inadvertently short circuited the video game. It still took me years to realize that I had done so and to understand why.
My husband and I worked very hard at getting our son into treatment and we did get him into several different types of facilities and programs. Unfortunately, his drug use still continued, and this continued for years. We had become exhausted from the stress, from the fear of losing him to the drug underworld or worse. We were terrified that he would die, before we could get him effective treatment.
Yet everything we did just didn't work. Zach needed long term treatment. I began calling several such facilities, however, I learned that the only way to get them into these facilities was with a court order. So the only solution was getting him arrested.
We did that. Zach was arrested and was immediately placed into Shuman juvenile detention facility. And what a relief! For the first time in years, I was sleeping at night, because I knew he was safe. The years of despair and fear were slowly dissipating, but never completely. However, enough to allow me to relax, just a little.
We didn't yet know where he was going or for how long, but I knew that somehow he would be placed in a 9 to 12 month treatment facility. This isn't common upon the first arrest, but I had been working with court appointed counselors (PA Act 53 counselors), and they knew Zach's history. We had already done all the treatment options that precede long term placement, and that would be communicated to the judge before Zach's hearing. Plus our counselors knew which judge to select. We had to wait for an opening in her courtroom, but she was worth the wait.
So, I not only knew that Zach was safe for the several nights in Shuman, I knew he was going directly to a long term facility as soon as a bed was open. Zach wasn't going anywhere for several months. Zach was going to be playing by my rules for awhile.
Zach had been in Shuman for a couple of days, when we were driving to see him. I had been out of town on business, so this trip would be the first time for me to visit. I was so excited to be able to see him, but a strange thing happened along the way.
We were relaxed, for we knew he was safe. And my husband and I were quietly enjoying the calm of the car ride to Shuman. But then in this stillness, all the memories of the past few years began tossing around in my mind and I was becoming very angry. There was nothing to temper my anger as before, because there was no fear of him using. There was no fear of the off button. He wasn't going anywhere. He was locked up and I was thrilled! The off-button was now disabled!
By the time we reached Shuman, my anger was almost uncontrolable.
We proceeded into the visiting room with all the other visitors and we spotted Zach. As soon as we sat down, my anger started. I was loud, belligerent and I proceeded to tell him that this would be the end of his drug use, that it will no longer be tolerated, that he will no longer bring this lifestyle into our home, into our family, etc, etc, etc. The longer my rant continued the worse it got, and the more desperate Zach was becoming. He was pushing every button he had, but this time it wasn't working.
As we continued to sit there, my anger grew and I was starting to cause a scene. I was becoming loud enough, that people started to stare. My husband was getting upset with me, because in general, he doesn't do well in situations when I am humiliating myself and I certainly was. I didn't care about him or me. I didn't care about anything. I was just so angry.
Zach was becoming more and more frustrated that his buttons were no longer working. He finally pushed The Off Button. "I'll leave, etc., etc. I will not come home, etc., etc. You will never see me again." And then I lost it. Really lost it. I stood up and leaned across the table until we were just about nose to nose, and then shouted for the entire room to hear, "This planet is not big enough for you to hide from me. I will hire whoever and get whatever I need to track you down. And make no mistake, I will track you down like a dog. You will not continue this gutter lifestyle. I will see you behind bars first. So don't threaten me again."
At this point, everyone was looking at me. Zach was humiliated, my husband was angry with me, and I still didn't care. I was so angry I was shaking, and I was losing control. I thought it best for me to leave before I flew over the table at him. So I made my exit. My husband stayed with Zach for the remainder of the visit, while I sat outside talking with the guard. And even though I just experienced the most severe temper outburst of my life, even though I should be humiliated along with my husband, I felt strangely peaceful. I am still not sure why, but I was grateful for that feeling, no matter how short-lived it was. And I had a great time chatting with the guard. I was actually enjoying myself. Zach was still locked up. And I was still thrilled!
Regardless of how dramatic this moment was, it is humorous looking back at it today. And I often have looked back at that moment in Shuman. Mainly because in the years following, there have been several times that my son reiterated my words of that day. This may not have been my proudest moment, but it was a moment he remembered. It made enough of an impact that he remembered what I said. In fact, I think it is still making an impact today, several years later. He heard me. And he knew I meant it. I was too crazy not to be noticed. I was too boisterous not to be heard.
But even more important was the impact on me, The Video Game. I can still see Zach that evening as we were having that exchange, but now I notice how desperate he was becoming to get me back under control. I can almost imagine him holding the game controller in his hand, frantically pushing one button after the next but not getting the expected result. For the first time, I was unpredictable. The longer I remained unpredictable, the more desperate Zach became and the more frantically he pushed those buttons.
I may have lost it, like a responsible in-control adult should not. I may have even laced my words with a few expletives (actually several), as a respectful adult should not. I may have humiliated my son as a loving parent should not but I inadvertently re-wired the game controller that night. Because from that moment forward, I had created a new button of my own. The Crazy Woman Button. And this button was more dynamic than any other button because it had the power to convert any existing button into The Crazy Woman button and Zach would never know which one or when. I was the one in control of The Crazy Woman Button and that finally gave me some control over the game. I was no longer predicable and I could throw him off balance. I had interfered with the ability of his addiction to consistently feed from me, because Zach and the addiction were never really sure of what I would do.
This night started the next chapter in my relationship with my son. From that day forward, Zach was more cautious when pushing my buttons. As if he would hold the game controller in his hand, push a button, then immediately step back and look at me, wondering ... Was that the Crazy Woman button? Granted he still continued to push my buttons, but not with the confidence that he once had. And he may still be the one holding that game controller but he didn't push those buttons with the reckless abandon that he used to. He never knew when the crazy woman was going to appear in the video game. I had thrown him off balance, and that was good. The addiction couldn't depend on me to consistently perform and that was even better. I intend to keep it that way.
So from that night forward, I was no longer the Queen of Enabling. However, I was still it's princess, and I still needed a lot of work. For it took me many more "Come to Jesus" moments for me to truly understand the severe extent that I had to push my interaction with Zach to force him to face his addiction and to stop me from protecting him from it. Zach needed to enter and proceed through Drug Recovery alone, leaving the teenager and teenager's Mom behind. And I struggled to accept this as the only way. There were still many dark, difficult times to come and I still had a lot to learn.
It did take a long time for me to destroy The Video Game, and it took even longer for the addiction to become convinced that I was no longer in the game.
But it was that moment, where I displayed my temper in front of an audience at Shuman, when I humiliated myself, my husband, and Zach; When I threw him off balance, when I stopped being so predictable, and most importantly, when I began to confront his addiction. It was here when I started to gain control again. Temper tantrum and all.
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[Ed has volunteered for a local agency for 20 plus years. He shows up on Family Night to help teenagers and their families figure things out. Ed is a natural teacher and I have learned a lot from him. He will tell you that his disease is Co-dependency and the reason that he shows up every week is because that's what he needs to do to fight his disease. His weekly volunteer work is his "meeting." Here is part 1 of Ed's story.]
Hello! My name is Ed, and I am an addict.
You see, my disease of addiction is not what most people would normally think of when they think of addiction. My addiction is the disease of Co-dependency.
Oh, I know, you say, “That is different—not an addiction at all.” Well, bear with me for a few minutes, and let’s see if I can change your mind, or perhaps, my mind will be changed. Let’s just briefly explore it together.
I have two sons, ages 40 and 35. The younger of the two is a long-time confessed and proven addict since early in his teenage years—addicted to alcohol and drugs, and, as with all addicts, Cross-Addicted to all mind and mood altering substances.
Of course, as any parent, I love both of my sons deeply and equally, and would never purposely do anything to harm either of them or to jeopardize their long-term happiness. However, I have done those very things over and over again, especially with regard to the younger. How so? Let’s see.
My disease, Co-dependency, manifests itself in a number of ways, nearly all of which can be termed as Enabling Behavior. That is, from time to time, I do things, especially with regard to my younger son, the addict, that jeopardize his long-term happiness and well-being, things like giving him “a little cash” or a ride somewhere he needs to go. You see, he doesn’t have a vehicle, and probably has not legally earned enough in his lifetime to purchase one, much less insure and maintain it.
So, I just help him out a little, from time to time. What’s wrong with that? After all, he is my son. Wouldn’t I do the same for my eldest son? And, indeed, I do.
In addition, as any parent, I still occasionally overlook little faults in the behavior of my sons. What’s the harm? Everyone makes a mistake from time to time. Although, it does seem that the younger makes those little mistakes more often than the older. And, I guess that maybe his mistakes do tend to be of a more outstanding nature. After all, he is five years younger than his brother. Don’t all of our mistakes seem to become less frequent and less severe as we age? I know mine have.
In reality, the last few paragraphs above classically illustrate active and passive enabling, either or both in combination of which have the potential to send the addict that you love to an early death. I still at times make the mistake of doing one or the other. And afterward, I always feel remorseful. Then why do I do it?
The root of the answer lies far back in the past. Indeed, it probably begins in all of us the moment a baby is born, possibly before their birth or even their conception. There is that overwhelming desire within all of us to make our child’s life better than ours was—to spare them the suffering that we endured—to give them more than we had.
And so, we begin to instill in ourselves that enabling behavior right from the beginning. And, the babies? They love it! They get used to it! And, within a very short time, they demand it.
Ever not picked up a crying baby, after having done so on every crying occasion for a period of time? There is hell to pay! And to force yourself not to respond as you know they expect is gut-wrenching. So, we end up picking them up, even when we realize that it will further spoil them, and the beat goes on.
Fast forward thirteen or fourteen years—bingo, adolescence! The problem has magnified both in expectation and complexity. We are now full blown, well trained enablers; and our children have now begun to experiment with and/or abuse controlled substances; that, mixed with their hormonal mish-mash, presents some daunting problems for both the teen and the Enabling Parent.
I will not attempt to explain here the process of how to curtail our destructive enabling parental behaviors. Just know that it requires discipline and conscious effort on a day-to-day, sometimes moment-to-moment basis.
And, the disease, the addiction to Co-dependency and the subsequent enabling behaviors that naturally follow, is always there, looking for and waiting for a moment of weakness.
I am not cured. I know that I will never be cured if this addiction. However, thankfully, I am in recovery. I do relapse from time-to-time. But, the relapses now are much shorter and much less severe than they used to be. You see, I have a program, a plan if you will—the salvation of any addicted person.
Check in here next week to hear about that.
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We had nine parents attend. One parent was new to PSST and several others were attending the Mt. Lebanon meeting for the first time. Kathie, Val and Lloyd also present. Guest speaker, Jim Musiol of 1 Step Detect Associates (DTx) was with us. He patiently answered all our questions about drug testing and what our teens do to disguise their results and show negative readings on drug tests. He had great answers, good information, and free drug testing samples. He also brought enough pastries to feed all of us with plenty left over. Thanks Jim for your time and for all that you shared with us today. Afterwards, we had time for a quick round-the-table introductions from each parent and then some final wrap-up comments. We will address role-plays next time. Please let us know which scenarios would be helpful. We missed both Sally and Rocco. We wish them well and look forward to having them back with us next meeting. We will start off the month of May by having our PSST at Eastern Dist Probation Office on the 1st. Please refer to calandar on right side of blog and locations connecting to Google Maps on the left margin. Happy parenting till we meet again.
We addressed themes such as calling your teens friend's parents to check in and share notes, getting a probation officer to help you with your teen's defiance, staying clam in the face of a tantrum.
The Adolescent Brain
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Friday, April 16, 2010
I was at an training for a day and a half where the Adolescent Brain under the effects of drug abuse was examined. The trainer, Michael Nerney, really knew this subject backwards and forwards. He was also really funny and I think the humor got some good brain chemistry going for the training participants, making learning more likely. It reminded me of the funny things that come up at PSST. We know the subject isn't funny, but gee, sometimes you just have to have to have a bit of a laugh.
I would like to share a couple of things we covered. One, Adolescent Brains are under such rapid growth that indeed they are in many ways not like adult brains. Once we understand this, we can understand some of these mysterious behaviors such as risk-taking. Teen brains are "wired" for risk taking; therefore, if they don't have opportunities for legitimate risk-taking opportunities, they are more drawn to illegal risk taking. Also, their developing brains are not as able to assess the danger associated with the risks. That will come later, once they have an adult brain. Therefore, it is important that adults help teenagers enter into legitimate risk taking, such as sports or other competitions.
Two, we are right to try to buy as much clean-time for our teenagers via our various PSST strategies because the earlier and the deeper that our teens travel into drug abuse the more likely that they will have substance abuse and other problems for the rest of their lives. Yes, the good news is that brains can often heal after damage- but the bad news is that it takes quite a while for brains to heal and the damage can be very serious. Further, teens remain at a high risk for relapse while their brains are healing and that healing could take years. For example, "The hippocampus encodes new information into memory. Adolescents with a history of alcohol use disorder have a smaller hippocampus volume (on average, by about 10 percent.)"
This FRONTLINE video covers some of what we learned although it is not a video that was featured at our training. Note that it has Chapter links and you are free to skip ahead. 
As I mentioned, the training in which I participated was excellent.
"The Adolescent Brain and Chemical Dependency
Recent research indicates that the time frame from 14 year to 24 years of age is
exceptionally risky. New insights into brain development, gained through the use
of new technology, demonstrate specific conditions that exist in the brain only
during adolescence. Linking this research to the stages of adolescent development
has generated better understanding of the way in which adolescents perceive the
world, themselves, and their behaviors.
The Center is pleased to announce that Michael Nerney, Executive Director of
Michael Nerney and Associates, will return to facilitate this workshop that he
last presented at a Center sponsored event in the spring of 2005 where he earned
a 6.4 evaluation score on our 7-point scale. Michael Nerney is a consultant in
Substance Abuse Prevention and Education, with over thirty years’ experience in
the field. He is an internationally known lecturer, and has served as consultant to
a number of federal and state agencies, including the federal Office of Substance
Abuse Prevention and the Bureau of Justice Assistance; the New York State
Education Department, Department of Social Services, Division for Youth,
Department of Correctional Services, Division of Probation and Correctional
Alternatives, Division of Parole, Division of Criminal Justice Services, Capital
Defender’s Office and Governor’s Office of Employee Relations. Mr. Nerney has
provided consultation on drug courts and other areas of technical assistance to
correctional systems across the country, including the states of California, Texas,
Alabama, Delaware, New Mexico, Connecticut, North Carolina, and Oregon. He
has been a consultant for two of the major television networks and has appeared
on the ABC program 20/20. He is the father of four children."
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