As I mentioned in Part-One and in Part-Two the role-plays we did in group were designed to heighten awareness. Therefore, when I played each teenager I was not trying to say what I thought they might say. I was trying to say what I thought the Teen would say if he were being brutally honest. The next one is an 17 year-old teen in placement. Actually, in this role-play, the teen might say a lot of this to the Mom. It fits the description of "brutally honest" but in this case, she might say a lot of it openly to her mother and not just be thinking it.
Teen: Mom, you can fool all of these people but you don't fool me.
Mom: Oh.
Teen: You act so different now that you're trying to impress my PO and the staff here, but I know you; you're just faking.
Mom: I'm trying to change.
Teen: You won't change. When I finally get home, you'll see- you won't act all perfect parent when it's just you and me- and for that matter, why don't you just stop fronting right now? You'll never change and you know it.
Mom: Things are going to be different when...
Teen: [Interrupting] Oh sure, sure, you'll be this super-tough bitch when I get home? Ha ha. You couldn't control me before and you won't be able to control me later either. And all this stuff you're learning in your "group"? Oh please, don't make me sick- I know you're going to be just every bit as easy for me to manipulate as ever- you know why?
Mom: Why is that?
Teen: I'm smarter than you. Way smarter than you and you know it. Mom: We'll see.
Teen: Oh don't worry Mom, I still love you, ridiculous as you are trying to impress my PO with how tuff-love you are. Just do me a favor OK?
Mom: What?
Teen: I get it that you have to pretend to be this other parent when my PO and my counselor are around, but when it's just you and me? Please let's don't pretend. Just be yourself. There's nothing wrong with just being yourself.
Mom: I'm trying to change!
Teen: YOU don't have to change. I have to change and I am. There's nothing wrong with you. You talk to much maybe, but they want you to think that it's your fault I'm an addict. It's not your fault- you are alright as a Mom; you love me and you try to help me- you know, you bring me stuff that I need in here. Stuff that I can't get for myself. And I like that. I love you for looking out for me. I depend on you Mom. I need you to be yourself. Please! Be the Mom I need and love, not the stupid fake Mom they want you to be. They're trying to brainwash you! Hello! I can see right through their little plans. They aren't so smart. You should be able to see right though them too.
Of course it's one thing to heighten awareness but what should a parent follow-up with? Well the first business order is to admit the truth, if any, of what your teen is saying. Second, similarly but somewhat different, is to accept that your teen actually believes the things he is saying, even when it is not the truth.
The tendency for denial is strong in parenting in general (Not my child!) and especially strong when Chemical Dependency strikes a family. Even though we may no longer deny that our child has a problem we may continue to deny the extent of the changes that this disease has caused in our teenager. So, the first order of business is just to take a couple of deep breaths and admit that your situation is formidable, not hopeless by a long shot, but formidable.
Next, it's time for some verbal Jujitsu.
Jujutsu (柔術 jūjutsu?) 
For example, in the last case scenario with the 17 year-old girl in placement. The mother does not have to be defensive. There is much to agree with the girl about. In fact, what the girl is saying is this: "I see that you are changing, it's hard to change, don't change, you can't change."
Mom: You know, you are right about a lot of this.
Teen: I know I'm right. You bet your ass I'm right, Mom how many other times have you tried to change who you are?
Mom: Yes, and it is very hard to change.
Teen: You can't. You really just want them to think you're this great parent.
Mom: Yes, I need their support. Your Probation Officer and your counselor are helping me.
Teen: Some help! With help from them we don't need enemies.
Mom: Another thing you said is important too. It's one thing for me to try to change while you're in here, but it's going to be my biggest challenge to not go back to my enabling role with you once you're released from here. I'm going to need a lot of help.
Teen: Stop talking that way. I told you! Your just a fake! That's not really who you are.
Mom: Yes, as I go through this, sometimes it feels like I'm a fake.
Teen: Well stop it.
Mom: When you first make changes, it doesn't feel real at first. Like I said, change is hard.
Teen: Just stop being a fake. I like the way you were before.
Mom: Well, yes, I'm sure you liked me before and nothing has changed about how much I love you. That part will never change.
Teen: I love you too Mom. It's so hard for me in here.
Mom: Oh honey, it's hard for me to see you in here.
Teen: Get me out of here! I've learned my lesson.
Mom: I know you've learned a lot already.
Teen: Then do it.
Mom: No
Teen: Oh you make me so mad.
Mom: Yes, I know I make you mad. And as I learn how not to enable you, you're going to be feeling that.
Role-plays from 2-7-09 Part-Three. "Mom, you're a fake!"
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Thursday, February 19, 2009
FREE RESOURCES AVAILABLE TO HELP PARENTS RECONNECT WITH THEIR TEENS!
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Thursday, February 19, 2009
Lingo to Warn of Parent Monitoring
POS Parent Over Shoulder
PIR Parent In Room
P911 Parent Alert
PAW Parents Are Watching
PAL Parents Are Listening
Top 50 Internet Acronyms Parents should know
You can also use their search function at the top of the website to look up specific drugs or specific words that interest you.
Role-plays from 2-7-09 PSST Part-Two. (I'm not that into bringing guys home to meet my mother!)
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Tuesday, February 17, 2009
As I mentioned in Part-One. The role-plays we did in group were designed to heighten awareness. Therefore, when I played each teenager I was not trying to say what I thought they might say. I was trying to say what I thought the Teen would say if he were being brutally honest. The next one is an 18 year-old teen.
Daughter: Mom, I'm so happy to be living back home.
Mom: I missed you. It's great to have you back.
Daughter: Oh you are the coolest Mom!
Daughter: And I'm so glad you didn't try some power-trip on me because I replapsed. You understand that relapse is part of recovery. I learned my lesson.
Mom: Well I hope so.
Daughter: Yeah, and you know, I'm glad you just gave me back my cell phone without a hassel- you know I need it- thanks Mom.
Mom: Well, we're going to talk about that...
Daughter: No, trust me - I like it that we don't have to have some "big talk." You trust me. You know I know how to handle myself and all. I'm really glad you kept my PO out of it. He doesn't understand like you do. All he knows is stuff he read in books, but you understand better what I'm going through.
Mom: He helped us a lot.
Daughter: Oh yeah, I needed his help once before, but not now. Like, I'm so happy you didn't sit me down and make me agree to some stupid contract- that's what I thought you would do- and really Mom, what's the point? I'm either going to get it right this time or I'm not, but no stupid contract that our PO comes up with is going to make a difference. And I'd have told you that I was going to follow a stupid contract, but really, I probably would have been lying.
Mom: We are going to have a contract, I meant to tell you that.
Daughter: What? Oh sure, like I'm going to follow some dumb contract! I'm almost 19. I'm not doing that.
Mom: Well you have to.
Daughter: How you figure?
Mom: I expect you to follow a contract if you're going to live here.
Daughter: Like what would be in it that I'm not doing now?
Mom: For one thing I don't want you going out with anybody I haven't met.
Daughter: You want to meet my new friend? He's not my Boyfriend. Why do you want to meet him?
Mom: I just do.
Daughter: Well I don't want you to. Just forget that. I'm not that into bringing home guys to meet you, that's all.
Mom: Well, if you plan to continue to live here- get into it!
Daughter: No way!
Mom: If you want to live here- you will.
Daughter: What? Are you going to throw me out just because I won't bring home my new friend?
Mom: Yes.
Daughter: Ha ha Mom. Get real. As long as I'm clean, and working, you are not going to throw me out. I don't know why you say idiotic things like that.
Mom: I mean it.
Daughter: Sure you do. Like I mean it when I say I'm going to be on American Idol. I kinda mean it - or I mean that I wish I could do it- but I know I'm not really ever going to do that.
Mom: You think you know me pretty well.
Daughter: Mom, apparently I know you better than you know you. But not to worry Mom. I won't let you down this time- I can stay clean this time- hey, relapse is part of recovery and I had to have at least one- I think it's made me a better person. Don't you?
Disclaimer: These are never exactly the way they happened in group. I never thought of that stuff about American Idol till right now but it fits. This role-play is inspired by the one we did in group. Have an idea or question after readin this? Leave a comment. If you are thinking it, other people are thinking it too. Thanks very much to the parent who provided this scenario.
http://www.wikihow.com/Image:30thdinner---now-listen-4945.jpg
Recovery... KEEPING THE PROMISE, March 27, 2009 @Omni William Penn Hotel Pittsburgh.
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Sunday, February 15, 2009
A behavioral health recovery-focused conference sponsored by Community Care. This conference, intended for individuals interested in behavioral health issues including consumers and their families, providers, administrative and clinical staff from county and state agencies, and other behavioral health stakeholders, will look at the future of mental health services in a recovery-focused environment.
Featured speakers include Raymond Cho, MD, Assistant Professor, Psychiatry and Psychology, University of Pittsburgh, and Patricia Valentine, Deputy Director, Allegheny County Department of Human Services, Office of Behavioral Health. Workshops in three tracks (Treatment, Outcomes, and Leadership and Development) will focus on topics such as recovery-oriented treatment plans, ways to move recovery-oriented services forward, developing a support system, and peer support.
Click here to download a copy of the brochure and registration page.
Losing Your Teenager and Gaining an Adult - Part 3 of 6 Written by Lori (Reprinted from 2-12-08)
Posted by:Ken Sutton--Thursday, February 12, 2009
I am a mother in a Middle-America, double income family that consists of my husband of 30 years, my daughter age 27 and my son age 21. I grew up in the inner city where I met my future husband in high school; we married after college and moved to the suburbs to start our family. This is the story of my son's drug addiction that started in his teenage years told in six parts.
I describe the events leading to my realization that I had lost my teenager to drugs and the steps I took to cope with that realization, get my son help, and rebuild my family with our new adult son in drug recovery. I am offering my story to help raise the awareness of the teen drug problem, to help destroy the stereotype of the drug addiction as being an inner city issue, and to share some of the lessons I have learned with the hope that they may benefit you and your family.
“So my son is a drug addict. He will hopefully always be an addict living in drug recovery, but he will always be a drug addict. He hopefully will never again be an actively-using drug addict, but he will never be a used-to-be drug addict. He will always be a drug addict and I must accept that. “
There are many memories that we have never shared with our teenager, high school memories, memories about their friends, and friends that never were. However, I think some memories are harder than others. My son played hockey, and for me those memories are the ones I miss the most.
I think it will always be hard to accept these missing hockey memories. Some of the other missing memories will eventually be replaced with new ones. My son’s high school commencement that never happened will hopefully be replaced with his university commencement, and I can get his “senior” pictures then. Maybe even have that party. But there will always be a void where the hockey memories should have been. A few weeks ago my son was discussing other possibilities for universities, and one had a hockey team. And before I could catch myself I heard my words say to him…“Maybe you can play hockey again?”
And he reiterated over and over again, “Mom, my hockey is over. I will never play again. You must accept that……I had too!”
Yes, he had too. He had to let go of his teen years, of his dreams that drugs had stolen from him. His drug addiction didn’t allow him to be a teenager and he had to accept that he could not recapture those teen years. They were gone forever. My son will never experience being teenager and I will never share those years with him. They belong to his past now and he gave them away to drugs.
So regardless of how hard things are for us parents to accept those years that are lost, it is harder for our children. I once asked my son about the years he spent doing drugs and if he considered writing down some of his memories so that others could understand. He said that he couldn’t, because he can’t remember much. And after a few days of thinking about this comment, I began to realize how sad this statement is, so very sad. His teen years, that should have been some of the best of his life, can be capsulated in the simple statement, “I can’t remember much.” At the young age of 21, his drug use represents about 40% of his life, of which he has little to no memory. His teen years that should have cultivated his future, his dreams, and his adulthood were lost, because he can’t remember much. And it will be this statement that will paint his reflections of his teen years forever, “I can’t Mom, because I don’t remember much.”
As his mother, this is too much to take in; That his teen years to him are almost non-existent. In recent weeks, he and I have talked about all that we have missed and his comments indicate how he didn’t know much at the time either. He didn’t know that it was his birthday, that his why he wasn’t home. He didn’t know that it was Christmas, and that is why he still left for the day. He often didn’t know what day it was, in fact, I know there were times he didn’t know what month it was. That is how he will remember his teen years and it won’t be much.
What little my son will remember about his teen years will be of his drug use; For he spent his time with his drugs. He didn't spend time with the family. And he didn't spend time with me. It was drugs that he shared his life with. It wasn't me. It was drugs that influenced him. It certainly wasn't me. It was drugs that had a relationship with my teenage son … and it most certainly wasn't me! It was drugs that stole away my little boy, and they claimed his teen years. Now those years are over and we will never have them back. I will never have a relationship with my teenage son. He is gone. But what is truer is that my teenage son wasn’t really ever here, he never really was, and he never will be.
And I really do know why I picture my son as 9 years old. It was at that age where his height still placed him just below my chin. So when I hugged him, he was a good fit against my body and I would rest my chin on the top of his head while I teased him that he wasn’t permitted to grown any more, so that I could hug him like this forever. And he would laugh and say he would try, just for me. I always wanted to be able to submerge him into my arms where I believed I could protect him and keep him safe. I wouldn’t let anything hurt my son.
But I did. I did not or could not protect him from drugs and they claimed my teenager. And I certainly could not save him, no matter how hard I tried to protect his life. I wanted so much to believe that I could reclaim his teen years and give them back to him on a sliver platter as if the drug use never happened. And I failed at that too. I did allow something to hurt him. To hurt him very badly, and I still want to grab my little boy, hold him close and make it all go away. To turn back time and take those demons of drug addiction from him; To give him back his teen years and those dreams that he lost. If only I could change it so he was no longer an addict, like the drugs never existed. But I can’t now and I couldn’t stop it then. I was never able to stop it.
So my son is a drug addict. He will hopefully always be an addict living in drug recovery, but he will always be a drug addict. He hopefully will never again be an actively-using drug addict, but he will never be a used-to-be drug addict. He will always be a drug addict and I must accept that. He is not that 9 year-old little boy anymore. I will never be able to re-do those years and I would never have been able to stop this from happening. I cannot take this cross from him, and he must bear it for a lifetime. And I must deal with the void in my arms that my 9-year-old son has left, and accept the reality that this is all that remains of my teenage son.
End of Part 3. Come back next week for Part 4.
A brief preview of next week:
“My so-called guidance that I inflicted upon my son was really enabling his addiction, because I was there to save him from the harsh reality of recovery. I didn’t understand that the road into and through recovery is brutal. … and most of all; I didn’t want to believe that it had to be me that brought this bottom (of the road) to him. “
Read More......
