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Quote of the Week
"If I cannot do great things, I can do small things in a great way" ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.
 A Happy Mother's Day to:
To mothers everywhere who fight the good fight.
To mothers all over who live with the fright
that their teenagers might die from this deadly disease...
To mothers who try so hard to fix things up so that their
teens won't suffer when they screw things up.
To mothers who cry at night for all that they have lost
To mothers who cry for what they fear they will loose.
To mothers who know that every time they say goodbye
It could be the last time they look in their children's eyes.
To mothers who take matters into their own hands
who decide to do whatever it takes.
To mothers who come to awkward meetings with strangers
if they think they might learn some important new thing
To mothers who think that now armed with this new knowledge
they can make a difference.
To mothers who strive to use the Courts, the police, the school,
the parents of their teen's friends, ACT 53,outpatient, church pastors, family therapists, support group meetings, (who turn over every last stone.)
To mothers who refuse to give up on their drug-driven teens
but who refuse to enable one more month, week, day or even minute
because they know how horrible each enabling act can be.
To mothers who rise above the fear- who stand up to their teenager
even though they are scared - scared of death but scared of more-
scared that teenagers will love them no more.
To mothers who agree to be the bad guy
and stand up to their teenagers every time they get high.
To mothers who have from time to time seen their teen get it together and experience the sober-mind.
To mothers who have seen some great turn-around
and this brings about the joy you have sought.
And yet even so- this is to you mothers who still live in fear
that even when things are going good that the disease is still there.
Happy Mothers Day as you strive to make things right,
because you fight this fight at great sacrifice.
There are no greater heroes, be they large or small,
who can hold a candle to you all.
Wishing you all the happiness and success with your teen even beyond your hopes.
Originally Posted by:Lloyd Woodward on Sunday, May 09, 2010
NOTE: we had 17 parents yesterday meet at Eastern Probation Offices. Thanks to Kathie T for facilitating the second part of the meeting. And thanks to Max for running it.
In the first part of the meeting we did a role-play that really hit home how difficult it is to STOP the ARGUING. Jessica was good sport and thanks to Jessica for providing the scenario. It was a great one to learn from.
It was difficult to know what issues to address first. We decided that the first thing to address was to put a boundary down, where Herman was not allowed to have veto power over the words that his parents decided to use, especially in regards to the R word and the D word and the A word (Recovery, Disease, Addiction). Parents can have no real power as long a teen is powerful enough to choose his parents words. Of course we don't want to call our teens names, belittle them, yell, or otherwise abuse them, but other than that we can use the vocabulary that is available to other citizens. GO PARENT EMPOWERMENT. POWER TO THE MOMS!
We are no longer allowing our teens to play the "That's disrespectful to me" card whenever they want to control something. For example, is it disrespectful to search a child's room? Maybe. But do we do it? Sure. Is it disrespectful to call their friend's peer's parents and let them know what's doing on? Sure. But we do it. Is it disrespectful to call in a drug dog from the police and have them search your child's room? Sure. But when we can, or when we think we need to do it we do it. Is it hurtful?
Well, I think anytime parents encroach on the enormous amount of power that their drug using teenager has acquired it can be hurtful. "Hey, mom, it really hurts me that you won't let me have an unsupervised party here at the house where my friends all feel safe enough to drink and do drugs!" Let's fry this red herring in a pan and eat it up cause it's time parents saw through this respect and hurt my feelings thing. We need to say, "nevertheless" and "regardless" get over it!!
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You know that you are working with someone who is oppositional when you are trying to agree with a part of what they are saying and it's not going well. I'm not just talking about teenagers. Teenagers learn it from us. People seemed programed to argue. More and more I believe that we talk to much anyway. Sometimes no response at all is called for- just good eye contact- good body-language is the key to good listening. Then sprinkle in some words here and there. Sort of like that poster from World War II where it says, Have a Cup of Shut The (heck) Up.
When parents begin using this on teenagers there are a couple of things to watch out for. First, the "but." It's natural when you start to do this to lay down the horrible "but," after-which you make you're point, and the agreement is washed away. Erased. Didn't even happen. It usually feels like a manipulative ploy by the teenager and it tends to make him angrier or more annoyed. Just make the agreement and pause. See what happens. Wait till he asks you if that means blah blah blah. Then you can say, "well, no the price of tea in china hasn't changed, but I see that it's not your cup of tea is it?"
The second thing to watch out for is that your teenager will catch on easily that you are doing this and will protest. When that happens, you've arrived! This means that he is acknowledging that you are changing, and since that change gives you more power, he doesn't like it. Now you can have a cup of Way To Go Joe!
This happened to me recently with a 16 year-old we will call Johnny. I was meeting with Johnny and his mother.
Johnny: I can't stand it when she agrees with me. I hate that. I just want her to talk normal. That's that psychology stuff she learns in group. I can't stand that.
Lloyd: You can tell she's doing it and that's pretty annoying.
Johnny: Yes, and you're doing it now- stop it- I hate that.
Lloyd: It does suck. I mean, it's so easy to spot it- you can see right through us when we do it- it's like we think we're being slick or something and really, we're not slick at all!
Johnny: Yeah, and oh [Glares] you're still doing it aren't you?
Lloyd: Yes.
Johnny: [- get's up and walks away; however, he returned after five minutes and he seemed more accepting that we will choose our own words.]
You see- this is listening- but not allowing the teenager to choose what words come out of our mouth. That's important. In many homes, parents have surrendered the power to decide what words will come out of their own mouth. It's more like they have given the teen veto power over their phrase making. The rationale is that if I say it this way or that way, it will upset him- so I'll say it a different way. So, the parent completely takes on the responsibility that if the teen is angry it is their fault that they said things the wrong way. Once this is set as the norm- the teenager has maneuvered into a very powerful position. Imagine dealing with someone at work, or even someone you know socially, who has veto power over the way you say things!
We cannot give up the power to decide what words come out of our own mouth. Yes, if we are name-calling, yelling, belittling, or verbally abusive then we need to change that. On the other hand, we are free to ask our son about his "recovery?" Especially, if he is in a halfway house anyhow that should be acceptable; however, he replies, "that really hurts my feelings that you would say that I'm in recovery!" Oh well, have a cup of that's Just Too Bad. We decide what words to use as long as it's not abusive because otherwise we have given up too much power and we can't govern our homes without power.
More on this who decides how I say thing in the next post.
For more on this oppositional stuff click the link to the right (there's another role-play too :-): Are We As Oppositional As Our Teenagers
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These are things that teenagers usually come up with after they are discharged from inpatient treatment. They might be red-flags that a relapse is around the corner. Sometimes I see these thinking errors crop up even before discharge. A relapse can be set up before the release from rehab. There may be some shred of truth to all 12; however the disease uses these truths to move people away from recovery and closer to relapse.
(1) You decide that meetings aren't helping. You believe that meetings only make you want to get high. You tell your PO that you shouldn't have to go to meetings anymore because you aren't getting anything out of them.
(2) You decide that it's OK to be with friends that use as long as they don't use around you. You tell your PO that your old friends are no problem.
(3) You decide that your PO and your parents know almost nothing about recovery and that anything they have to say is unimportant. You've decided that people in "the rooms" are the only ones you have to listen to. You tell your PO and parents to "quit trying to work my program for me." "I don't want anyone telling me how to stay clean. Are you a drug addict? No. So you don't know anything about it do you?"
(4) You decide that staying in contact with old friends that you used with is OK as long as you don't hang out. Texting, facebook, phone calls, etc. are OK. You tell your PO that contact with old friends is no problem because you don't really hang out with them.
(5) You decide that the only rule you have to follow is to stay clean. All the other "rules" aren't important. "Just so they don't bust me with a bad urine," you tell yourself, "and I'm sure I'll be OK."
(6) You decide that you don't want to be one of those people that can't live a normal life because they are addicted to meetings. "They are in some sort of cult," you tell yourself "and I wanted more variety in my life." You've been out of the rehab for 30 days but already you are afraid that you might become so addicted to meetings that you can't have any life outside of meetings.
(7) You decide that you'll make one big exception to the Old People, Places and Things rule. You'll date the opposite sex no matter if they use drugs because it's too hard to find a clean person to date. You tell yourself that it's OK as long as it's not drugs that you want.
(8) You decide it's too boring to be in recovery. It's OK to be clean and live dirty. For example, I can go to raves and not use. I can sell drugs and not use. I sneak out and be out all night. I can lie to my parents about where I was. I can shoplift. I'm young, I can be a "player" and have several girlfriends or boyfriends and let them all think I'm "going steady" with them. I can do any of these and still have a strong recovery program going on.
(9) You decide you're different. You think, I'm not like other addicts and I don't have to follow the same rules or take the same suggestions. When you go to meetings you focus on how different you are and you miss the similarities between yourself and other addicts. For example, you focus on how much more drugs and for how many more years they used than you did. You don't look at how much trouble drugs caused you and how much trouble other addicts had because of their drug problems.
(10) You believe that you "got this." You hated having to leave your home to enter into a rehab and you know you'll never do anything that will lead to loss of your freedom again. You are a 101 percent convinced that it's going to be that easy. No need to worry about it any longer. After rehab you're sure you don't even want to get high anymore.
(11) You decide that you are expert at knowing if and when you need to go to a meeting. And you'll go, IF you need to.
(12) You figure that being on probation is your big problem. Not your disease. In fact, it might seem to you like probation is holding you back from really recovering. You might think that if you don't finally get off probation you'll pick up a drug for sure!
For Parents: I think it might be helpful to review these with the teenager while he is still in the rehab. Ask him to pick which of the following might apply. We are asking the teenager to know his disease well enough to predict his disease's next move.
For Teenagers: Really, how well do you know your disease? What's your disease telling you? Can you predict your disease's next move? Can you tell on your disease in discussion meetings, to your sponsor, to your recovering peers, or even to your parents? What would your parents say if you told them that your disease is trying to screw up your recovery by telling you _____?
In recovery thoughts like the above are normal. It doesn't mean that anything is wrong IF you are telling on your disease to other people and if you keep reminding yourself that you can't figure everything out by yourself. Staying clean takes hard work and it takes help from others. Your disease wants you to think that you are strong enough to do it all by yourself. Share
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CISCO GETS A WEEKEND PASS
It has been awhile since I wrote about our son, Cisco. The reason that I have not written is two-fold.
First, he is starting to make marked improvements and I don't want to jinx it.
Second, I have made some changes of my own; I have learned how to detach. I now focus on other aspects of my life. It seems to me that the real changes started to happen for Cisco when Rocco and I truly started to change our ways.
At one point we told Cisco that he could never return home to live. There are too many triggers at our home and he would have to make his way in the world on his own at eighteen years of age. Maybe this is when Cisco hit his bottom. He was homeless, penniless and most-likely felt like an orphan.
He is living at an adult halfway house, we will call 'Second Run'. I would love to tell you the real name of the place because it is run by a very dedicated and wonderful man, I will call Tom, who is getting through to Cisco. However, I did not ask permission to use the real names of the facility or director so I do not feel comfortable doing so.
Cisco has been at 'Second Run' for four months. There are times when he hates it there but 'Tom' has a way of talking him through things. He doesn't expect Cisco to do everything right. Instead, when Cisco makes a poor decision, Tom discusses it with Cisco and uses it as a learning tool. The best part is that Cisco has not made the choice to walk away from the program.
Cisco's choices are really becoming more positive. However, that issue about returning to our home crops up frequently. It is a goal that Cisco, and also, Rocco and I would like to work towards, however we are keeping neutral on that one for the moment. We acknowledge that the possibility exists, however, it is too early to say so....or to say when. One day at a time.
The first two weeks that Cisco was at 'Second Run' visiting was not allowed. This was followed by short visits at the facility for a few hours. Then he had some home passes that would last for eight to ten hours. Of course, there were some behavioral issues to address concerning the home visits and we did that with Tom's help.
And now, at four months Cisco had his first weekend pass from 'Second Run'. He called me at work in the middle of the week to discuss this. He was required to have a plan to follow for the entire weekend and to stick to it. The plan included visiting with a reliable friend and sleeping at this reliable friends home for one of the two nights.
While sitting in the confines of 'Second Run', Cisco rattled off that he would start out with a sleepover at Bills (he had permission from Bill's mom), he would come home early the next day to help us move grandpap out of his apartment and then do some other chores. He would hang out with some good friends on Saturday night. Then he would go to church with us on Sunday.
He had everything planned out. We even tweaked a few things and he discussed it all with maturity. It felt right so I said let's give it a go.
Friday night came and Rocco and I were out with some friends. I contacted Cisco by cell phone and he had arrived at Bill's house and everything was okay. I told him we wanted to start moving stuff out of grandpap's apartment at 8:30 in the morning.
Well, the next morning, I found out that Rocco told our other son, Frodo, that they would meet at 7:30 to start the move. So Rocco and Frodo left early and I waited to get in touch with Cisco. At 8:15 I attempted to call Cisco but his phone was out of service! I did not panic because Cisco pays for his own phone and it is often shut off because of lack of funds.
However, it was still a pleasant surprise when Rocco called to inform me that he just read a text that Cisco sent on Friday night - "My phone is dead. Call me at Bill's number - 412-555-**** I will try to push myself to get up early tomorrow."
It did take three tries to get through to Cisco on Bill's number since they were up late playing video games. But we started off at 8:50 to help with the move and I felt great. It was so nice to be dealing with normal teenage stuff. Sleeping in 20 minutes late is nothing compared to the struggles of addiction.
Saturday went well. we had a mixture of work and play. Cisco did some chores and then he went out with some friends.
Rocco never did believe that Cisco would go to church with us on Sunday. And of course, when I went to wake Cisco on Sunday morn, he rolled over in bed and said, "Forget it mom, I am tired."
I had to appreciate that we had come a long way from the 'WTF !! HOW DARE YOU EVEN WAKE ME UP FOR THAT CRAP! days.
Rocco did not want a commotion on Sunday morning and even though I was miffed, I did not want a commotion either. So Rocco and I got dressed and we were in the car and ready to go to church sans Cisco.
Rocco turned the key in the ignition and I glanced up in the direction of the patio. There was Cisco relaxing in his shorts, feet up and smoking a cigarette. There was something wrong with this picture.
I jumped out of the car and scooted up the steps to the patio and caught my dress on a nail sticking out from the fence. This got me even madder. I told Cisco, "If you aren't going to church than neither am I."
 I must have looked ridiculous because I was still caught on this nail and I kept batting my hand at my dress but could not pull loose. Cisco said, "You are a religious crazy person, mom."
I could only think of the time he told me that he feigned being sick on Christmas Eve so that he could stay home from church and get high. I suspect it could happen again.
Cisco finally said that he would go to church with us. My dress was no longer caught on the nail. I said fine, go with dad, I am not going to go. I just knew what would happen. He would go to church but he would not pay any attention to what was going on and then he would walk out in the middle of the service to smoke. We had done this too many times before and I will not do it again. You cannot force anyone to have faith. Faith is a gift from God and Cisco has not accepted his gift as of yet.
Rocco suggested that we all go see Cisco's P.O. Lloyd. We were going to do this after church anyway. On the way Rocco came up with a great idea for Cisco's next weekend pass. He asked Cisco to find an NA Meeting that is held on a Sunday morning and that we would find a church that has a service nearby at the same time.
Cisco agreed and the rest of our day went well. We are finally at a point where we can discuss and come to a solution to our conflicts. No shouting matches, no threats, no swearing, no slamming doors, no holes in the wall and no using.
Cisco did go to an NA meeting later that night and we let him drive back to 'Beginning the Walk'. He was proud of the fact that he was out of the facility for 72 hours and was still clean. We agreed and hugged him goodbye until next weekend.
(We found a church that holds their service at the same time as one of Cisco's favorite NA meetings so we have a plan for the next weekend pass.)
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This was written by Lori back in 2007. (Lori is a long time member of PSST.)
Wilma discovered it yesterday as she was browsing through the archived posts. The message is still relevant today.
I had a little boy once,
My bundle of joy.
Happy, spirited, affectionate.
He is my life.
1. Do not try to fight the disease of Addiction alone.
How do we deal with all those feelings surrounding being parents of a drug addicted teenager? It sure isn’t easy. Could anything in life be worse? Just the heartbreak alone is overwhelming enough, as you watch your child melt away into something you cannot even recognize. Add onto that the added responsibility of doing what is right by your child, by stepping up into your parental authority, as you never had to before. How do we do that? Well know this, regardless of where you live or how educated you are, how competent you think you are, no matter how good of a parent you are or believe that you are, believe this ---- You are in way over your head! You cannot do this alone. You cannot do this in isolation to the family.
CLICK HERE - To read the rest of this archived post. It is worth reading.
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 Once upon a time there was a group of teens who hung out together, smoked dope together and generally enjoyed each other’s company. They would teach each other the ins and outs of drug dealing and swore loyalty to each other to defend themselves against others engaging in the same lifestyle. One place they liked to hang out at was Miss Betty Boop’s apartment. Now Miss Betty was a bit older, used and dealt a little but generally got her money through being a sex worker. Her little kids were a sorry sight who often had little food in their bellies. The teens felt bad for the little kids and would give them whatever they had to eat and sometimes would take them to a nearby park and push them on the swings.
One day, Miss Betty was distraught because some man up the street had ripped her off in a drug deal. She goaded the teens to do something to help her get her money back.
Well being young men, full of themselves and with their minds buzzed from the weed they were smoking, they had sympathy for her plight and listened to her goading them into doing something to that bast*rd. One young man had access to guns so he went and got them, and for safety’s sake, they discussed that he probably needed some ‘deputies’ to accompany him to get the money back from this man up the street. They figured they could do this a little later when they were just a little bit more stoned, since as chivalrous as they were, they still had just the little bit of a nagging thought that somehow this was not a video game.
Just then one of the young men got a phone call from his mom telling him to come home, his newborn baby niece had just arrived for a visit and didn’t he want to see her? The boys all knew that that mom was crazy and would show up at each of their houses till she found him to drag him home if he didn’t leave right away. So with high fives and the standard goodbye of the group “be safe” infused with more feeling than he had ever meant it in the past, he went home.
Later that evening, shots were heard in the neighborhood. Something went wrong terribly wrong with the boys’ mission. The man met them with his own gun. At the end of the brief encounter the man was injured, one teen lay shot in the back and the other two teens were on the run, dazed and confused over how something that seemed so straightforward, could not have gone as planned.
The injured teen died in the hospital. The man was treated by the judicial system as a robbery victim without consideration that he too had done plenty of robbing and destruction of others’ lives. The two other young men were caught, thrown into the adult system (age does not matter with some crimes) and were pitted against each other so they would rat on each other. Well the younger of the two was the more impulsive and unpredictable of them. No one would be surprised if he didn’t have at least ADHD if not some other mental health conditions, but no matter, he got life for the death of his friend. The older young man has a few years of time to do, but will come back to a community that knows he sold out his friend to save himself.
The family of the dead teen does not feel justice has been done, they were just glad the courtroom fiasco was finally over. Nothing can bring their boy back and there is no joy in knowing their neighbor’s boy has been locked up for life.
But what about that boy who went to see the new baby? This story is a lot for him to think about. He could have played any of the roles in this tragic tale, if not for a crazy mom who never was off his back. Now as he sits in a residential D&A rehab program, he has to make up his mind about what to do with his life and how he is going to handle the complex community dynamics that resulted in the destruction of the lives of his friends and their families and that continue to ripple throughout the whole community. Like a stone thrown into the water, the waves from that day continue to keep the water’s surface unclear. What will he decide to do in that pond? Will he focus on his life or will he allow himself to get entangled into the chaotic lives of others in the community again? Fortunately where he is now, he has plenty of time to think, and professional help with the thinking process. Crazy mom is grateful indeed.
(Photographer: Simon Howden)
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This hasn't been the best week for our family so I'm feeling a little down.
I watched an episode of "Army Wives" tonight and there were two quotes from the show that I wanted to share as I've been feeling them both this week. Other parents may have felt this way at one time or another.
The first was a father talking to one of the soldiers in the show about his son who died in combat. He said: "I won't pretend that he was the son I wanted but now that he's gone I'd give my life to have him back."
My son isn't "gone" physically but he's not the son I used to have before drugs and alcohol. That son is gone and I don't know if he will ever be back. I miss the son I could talk to without wondering if a lamp will be flying through the air or punching a hole in a door because he's upset or walking on eggshells and avoiding him so that there is a little peace and quiet in the house. I know we can't turn back the clock but the other day I saw a mom walking with her toddler and started crying in the car wishing for those days back. I miss those days of closeness with my son when we were innocent of this new life we have of drug addiction. Today I would give my life to have his back.
The other quote was Roxy talking to her alcoholic mother " you're my mother (for us - son, daughter, child) I could never not love you but I can't have you in my life anymore, I can't."
I hate that I feel this way but for today that is how I feel. I'm hoping it goes away, things change, but right now I can't live like this anymore.
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 We talked a little about prescription drugs and our kids at the last PSST meeting. Last week I read an article in Readers Digest December 2010-January 2011 entitled Little.Legal.Lethal. about kids taking lethal combinations of prescription drugs and alcohol and how they think its safe since the drugs are legal. A small town had three deaths in the space of a couple of days and it was kids combining stuff like methadon, klonopin washed down with beer and dying.
Prior to reading this article I had heard about kids having "pharm" parties where the kids bring anything they can find from the family medicine cabinet, toss it all together and take random pills swallowed down with alchol. Very scary behavior. After learning about this practice we started locking up all of our prescription and non-prescription medicines. When my son was in 7th grade and there were alcohol incidents with a couple of his friends we started locking up any alcohol in the house. Those are steps we took but I know not all parents take those steps. Just recently our son was at the house of one his best friends (where we have told him he wasn't allowed to be), we got him out of there, and a couple days later text messages back and forth with him and friend told the story that the plan was to drink at that house that night. The dad was clueless (maybe) about who was at the house at the time. Anyway, I though other parents would be interested in the Readers Digest Article.
Thanks.
Wilma
We appreciate this information that Wilma, our astute PSST mom found. She sent us the following link titled: The Killers in Your Medicine Cabinet. Just click on Killers to go to the link.
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~ Thank you ~
As I finish my internship with juvenile probation, I want to say how much I appreciate everything I have learned from Lloyd, Kathie, Val and all the parents of PSST. Initially a little unsure of how a social work internship with juvenile probation would work, I am now convinced it is the best choice I could have made.
Working with Lloyd and Kathie, I have seen innovative approaches to working with a tough population in need of both intensive and compassionate services – teenage addicts and their families involved with the juvenile justice system in Allegheny County. I discovered a hopeful place where parents meet to hone the skills that help them take back the power balance in their families, and ultimately work to help their children learn to save their own lives. I saw the potential for our teenage clients to turn their lives around, and also the tragic consequences that the destructive disease of addiction can have on people’s lives.
This year I felt privileged to be part of a team that is dedicated to preserving and restoring the lives of troubled adolescents and their families. I worked closely with two exceptional people who have changed the way I see my work and my career. I knew from previous experience that Lloyd was an unusual and talented probation officer. Seeing his deep passion for his work, and his commitment to his clients, and his endless creativity, I can see why his colleagues, clients, and families respect him so much. Lloyd has mastered the art of communicating with and respect for the idiosyncrasies of the teenage addict’s mind. He is the “teenage whisperer.” Kathie’s work with her clients, and her hope for change is never ending and my respect for her drive and determination to never to give up on a young life is immense.
I also want to thank all the parents who I have met at PSST. The way you face daily challenges head on, with humor, grit and tenacity, is inspiring. I will take with me a much deeper understanding of the issues families face as they struggle to cope with children with addictions, but also of the hope that can be found in the shared support of parents gathered at PSST meetings.
To everyone, Lloyd, Kathie, Val, Jocelyn and Justin, the parents from PSST and the young men and women on probation who struggle daily to fight their addictions, for your generosity in sharing knowledge and your experiences with me, thank you.
Rebecca
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| What's this have to do with it? |
We worked this in PSST on Saturday in Wexford. What do you do when you are trying to end the discussion with your teenager and they pursue, badgering, stalking, not letting it drop, demanding that you continue to give them an audience?
Stop running first of all, unless you can make it safely to a room with a good lock where you can get a few breaths. Turn, face your teen and make a very big agreement...
Mom: It doesn't matter what I do you're NOT going to let this drop. [Using strong body language but keeping safety** in mind also]
Teen: No, you lied about this.
Mom: Yes, I'm the evil witch of the west and as soon as you've had your say, I'm going for my broom and I'm getting the heck out of here for a while.
Teen: Will you be serious??!!!
Mom: I'll try- go ahead have your say.
Teen: What?
Mom: Obviously, I can't outrun you can I?
Teen: I want to go out and I need money. You promised to give me some money and I need it today.
Mom: No. Not going to happen today.
Teen: You promised.
Mom: Nevertheless.
Teen: You are a bitch.
Mom: OK OK this is going on long enough I think. Tell you what.
Teen: What
Mom: [continuing with very strong body language," taking an inch" of her teenagers' personal space and keeping safety** in mind] why don't you tell me exactly what you think of me, and don't hold back this time, OK?
Teen: I just did [glaring].
Mom: OK, well I want to give you the last word, OK?
Teen: You're standing too close to me!
Mom: You're right this is too close! [Not backing up] and this meeting has gone on way too long!
Teen: Well, back off!
Mom: You're right, I need to back off, I'm getting entirely too fired up- now why don't you just tell me what you think of me, get if off your chest, no more holding back, and then have your last word about this money thing and this not leaving the house thing because you are grounded Mister. Now go ahead, I'll shut up and I'll back off, to what, how's this is this good distance for you?
Teen: Yeah.
Mom: Go ahead, have your say.
Teen: What, why are you doing this?
Mom: Obviously, I can't outrun you and you follow me around not letting this thing drop so you have apparently more things you need to say- so lets have out with it and be done with it now.
Teen: You said I could have money and I could go out. I already told you Robert doesn't get high anymore. You're not listening to me I told you all this.
Mom: OK, you're absolutely right, you know what's going on here?
Teen: What?
Mom: You are doing a good job of being crystal clear with me about how you see things. You think I'm a liar and apparently since I refuse to give you money today that I was going to give you, you think I'm a thief of sorts too I suppose.
Teen: Sorta yeah.
Mom: Well, I'm not doing as good a job AS YOU ARE of being crystal clear. Very good. Let me try to do better, OK?
Teen: What?
Mom: I...am...not...giving...you...any...money...today. I've...changed...my...mind. I...know...you...don't...agree...with...my...reasons. Never-the-less...you...are...grounded...until...further...notice. Now...is...there...any...part...of...that...that...is...still...muddy...or...unclear?
Teen: No
Mom: The fact that you think me a liar, thief, and a bitch does not change the fact that I've changed my mind. Is that clear?
Teen: [glares]
Mom: Just for the record, any time I'm NOT comfortable with your plans I will change my mind.
Teen: Just yesterday, you said you were starting to trust me!
Mom: Yes, and that was true yesterday.
Teen: So, that was a lie?
Mom: No, but you want to believe I'm a liar, so go ahead and believe what you like. You don't want to understand my reasons, we already had this discussion. It's too complicated apparently. We'll talk about it when you've calmed down.
Teen: I've calmed down.
Mom: You have?
Teen: Yes.
Mom: So if I tell you why again, you won't argue, debate, and stalk me through the house until you badger me into changing my mind back?
Teen: Yes.
Mom: Yes what?
Teen: Yes, I won't follow you around anymore.
Mom:And you won't debate?
Teen: I'll try.
Mom: Good, THANK YOU! I'm not comfortable with you hanging out with Robert again.
Teen: But he's clean I told you!
Mom: You're debating.
Teen: OK OK, I won't go out with Robert can I still go out and have the money?
Mom: Absolutely not.
Teen: Why not?
Mom: I'm sorry, but for one thing I don't give money and privileges to young men who call me bitch, liar, thief and follow me around the house arguing when I clearly wanted to end the conversation. No, I'm afraid that I'm just NOT comfortable with THAT. But you know, you have surprised me today.
Teen: How? [still glaring].
Mom: You're usually the one who wants these meetings to end. But today I'm trying to end it and you just seem like you want to chat all day!
Teen: Up yours! [walks away].
Mom: [thinks: if I move quick I can make it too my broom stick and get the heck out of here!]
**Keeping safety in mind means that if you've been hurt by your teenager or if you have reason to believe that "taking an inch" of their space will lead to violence,then don't do that particular thing; however, it is still strongly recommended that you don't give any space to your teenager by backing up when you're doing this. That would show fear and showing fear can also incite teenagers to violence. Be safe. If you believe that you are not safe in your own home talk to someone about a Safety Plan and see if there are changes that you can make to increase your safety. For example, you might invite a local police to your home to inform your teenager about how easy it is to file assault charges and what the filing of those charges would mean. Always remember that calling 911 and telling dispatch operator that you need an "officer to keep the peace" is a good way to increase your safety in your home. If your teenager believes that you will make that call, then he may be reluctant to start violence.
As pointed out in comments by Anonymous more information about safety can be read at When Teenagers Harrass Parents.
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