Quote of the Week

"If I cannot do great things, I can do small things in a great way" ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.

Letting Go - written by June Cleaver on 10/27/12
Posted by:Jenn--Sunday, November 25, 2012

Today is an anniversary  .......    and my birthday. Today is one year that the "Beav" moved out. And to have an all out pity party, my mother also died 15 years ago today. (Personally I think that her departure on my birthday was her last "dig", but I will have to wait to find that out for sure.)

This is about the Beaver, though. A year ago I was supposed to embrace the words "I threw my son out of the house". It's now a year later, and I have used various phrasings over the past 12 months. "He's living with his dad", "I asked him to move in with his father", "he's living in Charleroi now".......... and yes sometimes "I threw my son out of the house". The words and I are not BFF's. I still feel my throat tighten when I get to the end of the sentence. Perhaps I should use it as an acronym ITMSOOTH. Indeed it does roll off my tongue much smoother.
But would I do it all over again? In a heartbeat. I can honestly say I have approximately 85% sanity most of the time. The other 15% is lost due to life in general, and the phone calls from the Beaver. You see, just to refresh your memory, his father is a functioning alcoholic and was the person whom Beaver stole the reefer from when the big time troubles began. The thought that this is where he is living grabs with hooks into my intestines.

Beaver is basically on his own because his dad works and then stops at the "Legion" on his way home. His dad does not require that he work; in the home or outside. His rules are made to be broken, and Beaver does his best to keep up the standards. Beaver has chosen not to go to any more meetings--doesn't need them, you know? When I asked, he told me that he had relapsed at the end of last year when his love life took a nose dive. According to him it was just for a couple of months until they got back together. Now, according to Facebook, they're engaged. Isn't that grand? She's a sophomore and the Beav is 19. Three and a half years difference--I did the math too.

So why am I posting? Hopefully for those of you that need the final shove to let go; just do it. The world doesn't stop spinning, your life goes on. I don't think you ever put your guard totally down, but that is good. And you don't ever stop loving your child. You will still hate [yes, I mean hate] the things they do and want to try to 'fix it'. But you can't. They're addicts. And that is their personality.

Somewhere underneath their brave front, mouths that say whatever is in their brain at the time, and the smell of defiance pouring off them---they are still your child that you tucked in at night and promised to protect from all the evils of the world. When their world [and them] became the evil that you were supposed to protect them from, our heels dug in and the fight began.

Don't give up the fight. Just choose the one you want to win. Being in the background of Beaver's life hasn't been easy, nor a smooth ride. BUT....I do have the tools to have a meaningful conversation when we are together. Why----because of PSST and the cast of extras. AND.....when we do get together I've learned the body language that works best to obtain information or give advice. Again-----because of everyone involved with PSST.

I miss the meetings and will hopefully be coming to one soon. Sometimes a hug and a kleenex goes a long way.

Blessings and love to all,
"June Cleaver"


Rocco said...

Hi June, As noted in the Quote of the Week; "Letting Go is not neglect." Telling Cisco that it was time to leave was the toughest decision that I ever made in my life. It still hurts but I know that it was the last best choice for his recovery. Allowing him to live in our home without working his recovery would not have helped him and probably would have dragged the rest of the family down. Yes we want to cure our children's addiction with every fiber of our soul, never the less, allowing them to continue to use at home is not a remedy. Like our kids we need to accept our own recovery one day at a time.

"When I live in the past I live in regret. When I live in the future, I live in fear. I can only control how I live for today."

Jenn said...


When I originally added your post to the blog, I called it "Don't Give Up" because I was drawn to your recommendation about not giving up on our children, rather just choosing the battles we want to win.

But in the end, the theme of your post is really about letting go, so I changed the title to reflect that.

Your writing style really grabs my attention - you have a sense of humor & a down-to-earth way of expressing the emotions that so many of us have felt.

Thanks for sharing your story. You are not enabling your son, neither are you letting him control you. Thanks for your courage & the strong example that you set.

Lloyd Woodward said...

You never gave up June. You were and still are there for him. I believe you would sacrifice part of your sanity again and let him move back in, except that you've never seen him commit to making the right changes and you know where it would all lead.

You have always understood the Beav better than any of us. Lest any reader doubt let me just say that you fought long and hard for the Beav.

We all miss you at PSST so please drop in any time. In fact, how bout the holiday party?


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