What do we say? For example, you have just given your teen a urine screen and he fails it. What strategy to employ?
There are two primary tasks to accomplish. First, give your teen a chance to admit that he has relapsed. If he admits it- give him credit for being honest about it. If not, give a second test on the same urine sample. If the second test comes back positive, express confusion and express confidence that the test instruments are reliable. Don't expect an immediate confession but continue to express confusion and let your teen know that it is his responsibility to account for why his urine is testing positive.
At the point where the teen has still not admitted to a relapse, I like to ask him if he has been around anybody who has been abusing drugs. This question often provides me with more information. For example, if he reports that he has been inside a vehicle with others who were smoking marijuana and he thinks that he got an indirect dirty urine as a result, well now i know that he has been associating with drug abusers while they are getting high and that he is in some danger if he is riding in automobiles and smoking marijuana. This is important information but it does not necessarily account for why the THC is at a level for which it tests positive in his urine.
Keep in mind, that while an admission from your teenager is important, it is not necessary. Even without an admission you can move to the second task. Try to refrain from calling your teen a liar. Name calling can be counter-productive. Saying things like, "I am struggling to belive your story - it doesn't account for why this test is positive" is different from saying "I don't believe you- I know you are lying." Remember, we don't "know" anything, unless we were there when he got high. But he has to tell us something that makes sense, something that is credible, and if he tests positive on the second test as well as the first, then he has some explaining to do."
One question that comes up repeatedly is this: can a person test positive if he is just around others who are smoking marijuna? The textbook answer to this, which is provided by the drug testing companies is no. There is generally not enough of the substance second hand to provide enough THC to test positive. However, common sense will tell us that there can be exceptions to this. In the above mentioned example, you have teens smoking marijuna in a car with the windows up. If this goes on long enough, then of course a person who is not smoking it can get a "contact high." Or, at a party in a smaller room the marijuana smoke can become really thick so that your might hear people joke that all you have to do is go into that room and you will get high. Unlikely? Yes. Impossible? No.
A good question to ask the teen who refuses to admitt it is this: "did you feel high?" If the answer to this question is a yes, then you have your admission because he certainly has relapsed, as he allowed enough marijuana into his body to feel intoxicated. Of course, he may still be lying. Still, an admission is an admission. If on the other hand, he denies that he felt anything, then that that denial constitutes an unacceptable explanation.
Task number two: holding your teen accountable. Whether or not your teen admits to a relapse, you can move to the second task. While it is important to give your teenager a chance to account for why his urine is dirty, a chance to come clean so to speak, it does not change much in the way of the second task, which is to hold him acccountable for the relapse. State the accountablitly in simple business-like terms. Most of the accountability will involve restricting him from contact with peers, grounding, loosing cell phones, and perhaps an assessment from a local drug treatment program. If he has had outpatient treatment already, he may need inpatient treatment now. If your child is on probation or if you have filed an ACT 53 petition, then there may be legal consequences as well. Keep the second part short. Going on and on about a relapse is usually counter-productive.
Things to avoid doing:
1. Asking why they did it is usually counterproductive. Probably they like the feeling of being high. That's the real reason. This may feel like the perfect time to hit home a point about how bad of a decision it was to get high but it really is not the right time to make any points, except the two mentioned above. The problem with asking why is also this: there is no good reason and so you your question is a trap of sorts. Any reason they give you will not suffice. Mostly the reasons will be excuses, e.g., "I was depressed," "I was around my old friends," "you shouldn't have let me go over Sam's house," etc. We really don't want to hear the excuses, just skip that part and cover the consequences. However, there is nothing wrong with saying, "teel me what happened." Just don't expect much and don't make it the driving goal. He relapsed. Now, no matter what happened, you have to deal with it.
2. Asking how could they do this to you? Try not to take it personally. Probably it was not something they did to you- they just like the feeling of getting high. Creating a lot of drama over how horrible of a thing this was to do to you might feel like you are setting up a deterrant for the next time but we need to remember that we are powerless really to stop our teens from using drugs. We can only do our best to provide responsible pararent supervision and pick up the pieces in the best way that we can after it happens.
3. Don't keep this relapse a secret. Not from the other parent, the siblings, the counselor, or from the Probation Officer. This has to be exposed for what it is.
4. Don't try to "rip them a new one." That just doesn't help. Hold them accountable by restrictions, more clinical evaluations, or following through with Probation or Act business as you probably already told them that you would do. Let them feel the heat via consequences, not via your verbal tirade.
5. Your teen may lie about his relapse even after you see the result on the urine test. Be careful not to fall into the trap of making the primary issue his lying. The primary issue is continued abuse of drugs. They lying about it is secondary. So, lets assume that you go on and on about how important it is not to lie about these things. Finally, after a long session with you he admits that he relapsed. Now you move to the seond phase where you hold him accountable. Now he screems that he told the truth! But he is still being punished! See, he says, he knew he shouldn't trust you by telling the truth and he'll never tell the truth again now that he sees what it gets him. Just remember that the primary issue is his drug abuse and whether or not he admits to it- you can hold him accountable. If he admits to it- good for him- he told the truth- but he is still to be held accountable but now he can feel a small bit better because he got that off his chest.
6. It is natural to want to make your teen feel quilty about this. Stop it. They probably feel bad that they got caught. Maybe they do feel bad they they relapsed, but trying to heap on the guilt as a way of providing a deterrant against future drug abuse is not effective. We don't have the power to make them feel bad, except that they may feel bad for the consequences that they must now experience. Fine, lets go with that. Sometimes, we might hope that if our teen feels bad enough about what he has done, that we don't have to hold them accountable. "Oh, we talked about that- its' ok now." If you have not held your teen accountable, then the issue has not been delt with just because you talked about it and you might better now that you know how badly he feels. It's a trap. The primary issue is not his guilt- it's his relapse.
5. Remember that people learn from failure. Sometimes we have to fail and experience the consequences for that failure in order to learn. The old saying is: people change because they feel the heat- not because they see the light. Just remember that the most effective "heat" is consequences, not a verbal thrashing.
When a relapse occurs
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Wednesday, August 13, 2008
All PSST meetings cancelled for August
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Monday, July 28, 2008
This is just a chance for Lloyd and Val to catch up on things. We will be back in the Fall. Have a nice rest-of-the-summer everyone! You can call Lloyd at 412-861-6757 if you need some support or advice.
Type rest of the post here
Home Run Derby
Posted by:Ken Sutton--Thursday, July 17, 2008
This post was submitted by Mary C.
“To let you know how far I've come, let me tell you where I've been.
Not that long ago, there were nights I went to sleep in strange places praying I wouldn't wake up. After another night of bad decisions, I'd lie down with my heart speeding inside my chest like it was about to burst through the skin. My thinking was clouded, and my talent was one day closer to being totally wasted.”
Josh Hamilton is a major league baseball player. In last week’s Home run Derby contest he set a record with a 28-homer outburst in the first round. Unfortunately, I did not get to see this. My son told me about it a few days later. The fact that he had hit 28 homeruns was impressive but that wasn’t what impressed my son the most. Josh Hamilton is a recovering crack addict. He has turned his life around. He is an inspiration for many recovering addicts. His story is remarkable. The title of an ESPN article says it all, “'I'm proof that hope is never lost”. Click here to read it.
Sorry, our Tuesday, July 15 meeting at Gateway is cancelled.
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Sorry, our Tuesday, July 15 meeting at Gateway is cancelled due to lack of interest. We are not sure that we will continue this meeting as interest is very low.
Type rest of the post here
Crisis Network kicks off
Posted by:Ken Sutton--Saturday, July 12, 2008
Starting July 1, re:solve Crisis Network began operating its phone and mobile crisis services. By calling the re:solve Crisis Network phone number (1-888-7-YOUCAN). . .
Western Psychiatric Institute and Clinic of UPMC and Allegheny County have partnered to bring new comprehensive behavioral health services to the residents of Allegheny County. re:solve Crisis Network kicked off July 1 and is a 24-hours-a-day, 365-days-a-year crisis service available to any Allegheny County resident regardless of age, ability to pay, or history of using behavioral health services. The network is designed to help anyone deal with everyday stress so it does not become a crisis. Whether you are feeling depressed, bullied, experiencing grief, or troubled by day-to-day tasks, re:solve Crisis Network can help.
Starting July 1, re:solve Crisis Network began operating its phone and mobile crisis services. By calling the re:solve Crisis Network phone number (1-888-7-YOUCAN), you can speak to a trained counselor on the phone or in person through the mobile crisis services. If mobile services are requested, a counselor will meet you wherever you are or wherever you would like to meet in Allegheny County.
Phase two of the re:solve Crisis Network will roll out this fall. This phase includes walk-in and overnight behavioral health services at its new location being built on Braddock Avenue. The development of this network will create more than 120 new jobs in the Pittsburgh area and provide a confidential outlet for residents of Allegheny County to seek help.
re:solve Crisis Network’s goal is to help you resolve your crisis before it becomes a crisis. Step one to feeling relief starts with picking up the phone. Help is available any day, any time, for any reason. Contact the re:solve Crisis Network at 1-888-7-YOUCAN or 1-888-796-8226.
Continue to use the WPIC Call Center and admissions number, 412-624-2000, to arrange transfers to the WPIC emergency room, schedule inpatient admissions and outpatient appointments, obtain information about WPIC’s services, or reach directory assistance.
A chance to help.
Posted by:Ken Sutton--Friday, July 11, 2008
Join Together is an excellent national advocacy group that monitors and gets involved with the problems and issues surrounding drug and alcohol abuse. They make it easy to stay informed with their daily email newsletter. You can find them at http://www.jointogether.org/ and subscribe.
They are currently asking for our support in an effort to stop MillerCoors from marketing an energy/alcohol drink. Seeing corporate America trying to turn a profit on the backs of our children really just sets me off. This is a national email effort and they have made it extremely easy to participate. Just go to the website or click the picture above.
Quote from 21 year-old recovering addict
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Thursday, May 29, 2008
The therapist asked this young man who had recently celebrated two years clean what his plan was if he relapsed. The young man responded, "You mean if I don't die?"
Often we find that the miracles in recovery are people who never let themselves forget that the disease is fatal.
Letter to the Disease by Mary Chalburg
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Realizing I was powerless over you empowered me. I have learned that I can not control you, I did not cause you and I can not cure you. I will continue to live my life even if my son decides to use drugs again...
Intro: Lots of changes!! The first letter I wrote was an assignment for family members attending family night at Gateway Rehab. Writing that first letter helped me tremendously while my son was in the Intensive Outpatient program. The assignment was designed to help family members put all of their thoughts on paper and to express their feelings toward addiction-not the addict in their life. This writing assignment was extremely therapeutic for me.
Dear Addiction,
I felt you were to blame for many problems in my life. I came to realize I was not angry at my father for being an alcoholic or my brother for being an addict; I was angry at You. I was not angry at my brother when he was diagnosed with lung cancer so why would I be mad at him for being addicted to drugs? Along with many people in our society I used to feel that addicts chose to do drugs; therefore, it is their fault when they eventually become addicted to drugs or alcohol. While individuals are responsible for taking that first drink or illicit drug, some people are luckier than others. The fortunate ones can stop after a beer or two or try marijuana and never pick it up again. My child was not able to stop after one or two and he did make bad choices about drugs and alcohol. Fortunately, he is alive today and has learned from his choices. Other kids have not been as lucky. The harsh reality is kids CAN and DO die from using drugs.
My son dreamed of becoming a professional baseball player not a heroin addict. However, experimenting with drugs and alcohol at a young age can ruin plans and in some cases, even take a life. I can only speak from my experience with my son’s drug use. I am similar to many other concerned parents. We find ourselves constantly worrying about our children’s health, social life and where he or she will attend college. My worries went from what colleges will he attend to HOW I CAN HELP SAVE HIS LIFE from drug abuse… Playing in a championship game or attending the prom seems so trivial to me now. Teenage experimentation with drugs quickly progressed to drug addiction.
The night my 18 year old son came to me and told me he was addicted to heroin changed my life forever… my son is 21 years old and recently celebrated 2 years of being clean and sober. He has been able to keep you away. You have not taken his life. I am grateful for this miracle everyday. You have changed my life dramatically. I feel free. I feel alive. I feel emotionally stronger than I have ever felt in my life. Realizing I was powerless over you empowered me. I have learned that I can not control you, I did not cause you and I can not cure you. I will continue to live my life even if my son decides to use drugs again. I will still wake up each morning, thank God for another day, and put a smile on my face. The thought of you does not scare me or control my thoughts. Ironically, the most stressful situation in my life has brought me the most peace.
Sadly, my family was broken into pieces because of you. Five lives took on very different directions because of you. Regardless of an impending divorce, the five of us still celebrate special days, such as birthdays or 2 year Anniversaries together. Parenting children together is an unbreakable bond. It is the strongest connection two people can share. We will continue to keep our three beautiful children our primary focus, nothing can or will change that!
We all dealt with the after affects of you differently. I can only speak for myself and how I dealt with you. Dealing with a loved one’s addiction is complicated. There is no right or wrong way to living with you. There is only the way that best suits each family member. Dealing with you is very personal and no two people deal with you exactly the same way. It is not uncommon for family members to be angry, embarrassed or in denial of your existence.
As a mother, there was only one way for me to deal with you. I looked into my child’s eyes with tears running down his face as he asked for my help and I promised him I would stand by him forever and ever as he worked on his life without you. He needed support and love from his family. He needed to know he was loved unconditionally. This came naturally to me; he was my child, my first born, my flesh and blood. This was not something I had to consider, it was instinctive.
My son is a remarkable young man. He has traveled across the country to attend Narcotics Anonymous meetings. He has shared his story at meetings in front of hundreds of people. This is the same person who years prior had a difficult time looking someone in the eye when he spoke to them. That was when he was using drugs and had a secret… He is open and honest now. He has a passion for life. He lives each day to the fullest!
My message to parents is never give up hope. NEVER. If there is a heartbeat, there is still hope that an addict can change. As for parents, now is the time to change YOUR LIFE, regardless of your child’s drug use. Learn to live again, learn to love and trust again. This is not easy to do especially if a child is actively using drugs. Talk to other parents, join a support group, Parent Survival Skills Training PSST, HAS HELPED NUMEROUS PARENTS TAKE CONTROL OF THEIR LIFE AGAIN.
I learned about addiction and that has changed me. I feel blessed with this knowledge and have returned to school so I can learn how to help others. I have been able to share my personal experience with addiction in the hopes of helping another parent. Along with my personal experience and a degree in Social Work I will be able to help many more people.
In order for change to occur in our addicts, it helps if we parents are willing to make changes. We need to stop allowing the addict in our life to manipulate us. Conversely, we need to stop enabling them. There were many times when I thought I was helping my son and in reality I was doing more harm than good. Whether it was helping with homework (more or less doing the homework!) or not confronting him when one of his stories seemed suspicious; I always seemed to make excuses for his behavior. During his years in high school (using drugs) my “gut” feeling always told me something was not “right”. I could not put my finger on it and I hoped it was just adolescence and whatever “it” was would go away as he matured. Addiction does not just go away.
I encourage parents to follow their gut feeling. If something does not seem right-then it isn’t… Trust your instincts and do not allow feelings of guilt or denial stand in your way of a serious problem. Drugs are deadly. I suggest confronting your teenager when a story does not add up, ask more questions, and check their cell phones and text messages if you suspect drug use. If drug use is suspected do not allow he or she to drive your automobile. The risk of killing themselves or another human being is too great. Be firm with your decisions and stand your ground. By doing so teens will be mad at us but I am a firm believer if your teenager is mad at you then you are doing your job!
My son was mad at me on a daily basis. However, a year ago when Eric and I were on the Marty Griffin radio show sharing our experience Marty asked him,” I bet you were pretty mad at your mom during your high school days Eric? Eric agreed and then said the most magnificent comment a mother could hear, “But honestly, she saved my life and I love her.” My son told Marty Griffin and the entire listening audience that he loved me and I had saved his life- it doesn’t get much better than that… So, if your teen is mad at you today one day he may thank you for saving his or her life someday.
Change is difficult. For us parents, just recognizing that we are being manipulated is the first step. When we stop our enabling behaviors, it will not only change our life but our addict’s life as well.
It is time to take charge of your life again, like it used to be, before drugs or addiction invaded your life. PSST empowers parents of substance abusers.
The Oasis Recovery Center of SW PA
Posted by:Ken Sutton--Thursday, May 22, 2008
These are some friends of the Bridge to Hope. I thought you would be interested in what is going on and that you may want to volunteer.
"Our goal is to help people get into recovery and/or treatment (get through the red tape) so many people make one call and find out there are no beds and then they give up and go back to drinking/using"
Our Official Name is "The Oasis Recovery Center of SW PA"
We are now a 501c3 organization.
We have a temporary office space located @ 960 Penn Avenue, 1st Floor
(this is almost directly across from the old recovery center if you remember
where that was located)
Our goal is to help people get into recovery and/or treatment
(get through the red tape) so many people make one call and find out there
are no beds and then they give up and go back to drinking/using
Second goal is to provide a safe environment to help people when they get
out of treatment -- focusing on the early recovery process...
Most people overdose in the first two weeks after leaving treatment or jail,
so this is a critical time and its when most people relapse
Our first phase is to begin an Addiction Helpline
Our second phase to to begin to work on building task groups in the
community and
Our third phase is to find a location to house the post-treatment work
Our ideal setting would be along the river (serenity)
So if any of you have any ideas for location, old building somewhere.
We were looking at Lawrenceville and the Strip District.
So now that we have an office and phone lines in place, I'm inviting you
To come to the office on Sat. May 31st @ 10 am
960 Penn Avenue to talk about Answering the Addiction Helpline.
If you could volunteer 3 hours/week to help take calls, please let me know.
If you would like a copy of our new brochure, please send me your address
and I will forward one to you.
Also, if you would like to help but cannot attend on May 31st, let me know.
Also, please feel free to pass this to anyone who you think may be
interested in helping us to get the Addiction Helpline up and running.
We will provide training on how to answer the calls free of charge.
Thanks,
Karen
412 519 5772
karenplavan@gmail.com
Addiction: A fatal disease- written by Patty Leoni after the death of her brother in May of 2001.
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Thursday, May 15, 2008
Drug addiction is a terribly selfish disease that not only affects the addict, but consumes the very life energy of the family and friends of the addict.
Those close to the addict feel a helplessness surrounded by depression and hurt. They feel inadequate, have no control and spend most of their time chasing their endless crusade to save their loved one. Frustration surrounds those associated with the addict as they are left to stand and watch helplessly as a loved one slowly kills themselves.
Once the addict's tragic and unnecessary death is over the family's hell slowly fades but is never forgotten. Those left behind suffer long after the addict's addiction has ended.
Teen Driving
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Tuesday, May 13, 2008
What we say in group: If you do not see responsible behavior out of you children at home- don't expect responsible behavior when they are alone out on the highway in your vehicle. Sure, it's convenient when your teen starts driving and suddenly you have the freedom to stay home and to not drive them all around...
...but the car is the most dangerous place. Trusting them to make good decisions out on the highway is perhaps the most risky decision that parents can make. Of course if you have any suspicion that your teen is still abusing drugs then it is a recipe for disaster to put them behind the wheel of a car- but even if you do not suspect current drug abuse your teen is still at risk on the highway. Driving takes good judgement. The younger a driver is the less likely that he will be a mature driver. Even so, look for evidence that your teen either is or is not responsible at home and at school. Does he follow the house rules? Does he responsibly do his chores? Does he present an attitude to you when confronted about his basic responsibilities? If the answer to any of the questions are "yes" then perhaps it is too soon to allow him to drive the car by himself.
Still, you may believe that your teen is a responsible, good driver and you decide to extend to him or her driving privileges. What can you do to monitor his driving?
1. Keep track of mileage by monitoring the odometer. How far he goes in the car can give you a good idea whether or not he is going where he says he is going. Make it clear that just riding around is not acceptable. He must have a destination and not veer from that destination.
2. If your child has a mobile phone you can enable GPS tracking for the phone and in that way monitor his whereabouts.
3. There are systems that can be installed on cars to monitor speeds and aggressive driving styles such as hard braking. I have no experience with these devices and therefore can not recommend one; however, here is a link to one that appears to be popular. http://www.roadsafety.com/teen.php?loc=interstitialskip
Here is another that I came across: http://www.globaltrackinggroup.com/sub_parentskids.cfm
Fearless
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Sunday, May 11, 2008
All too often, we are intimidated by our powerful, headstrong, deliberate teens. Sometimes we are afraid of causing a relapse in our teenager. While this is normal, it is not a very realistic fear. Mostly, however, we are afraid of upsetting our teenager.
As to the first fear- if our teenager is going to relapse he is probably going to relapse no matter we do or do not do. There are exceptions. Read the posting on minimizing resentments for example. Things like lecturing on and on, comparing teens to their siblings, arguing, and yelling certainly put pressure on teenagers that can make it more difficult for them to avoid a relapse. Confrontation and accountability, however does not necessarily do that. In fact, not having confrontation and accountability might set up a relapse even more.
As one parent put it in Parent Group on Saturday. "It's not just that I'm intimidated because I think he might relapse because I know I felt intimidated by him before he ever started abusing drugs." It's not rocket science to grasp how easy it is for parents to become intimidated. Our teenagers have temper tantrums. We hate that. We try with all of our might to avoid the dreaded temper tantrum.
When our teen flips out we go though intense feelings ourselves. We feel guilty that we have upset our teen. We feel powerless to do or say anything to stop the tantrum. In the past we have appeased our teenagers, just to get them to stop the temper tantrum. There in lies the fly in the ointment. By appeasing our teenager, we teach that having a temper tantrum is indeed an effective way to get good things. Maybe it will be the good thing that the teen desires or maybe it will be some other good thing that a parent uses to try to pacify the teen; either way something good comes out of a temper tantrum.
Let's remember also that attention is the most powerful reinforcement. Think about it. When a teenager has a temper tantrum he is usually guaranteed that he will receive a lot of attention. Everyone drops what they are doing and comes in to see what's going on. Everyone tries to find out what the problem is so that it can be remedied. By doing this fact finding and problem solving the adults give the teen a lot of attention. It is ironic that the teen is having the tantrum because he has learned that it is an effective way to get attention and other stuff. The fact finding and problem solving provides more attention so that the parents continue to reward the teen for the acting out behavior. How can we prevent this vicious cycle?
First, we have to accept that we are powerless to prevent temper tantrums, unless you count giving them everything they want whenever they want it. Obviously, that would not be a healthy thing.
Secondly, we need to let the teen know that it is OK to express anger and if necessary have a temper tantrum. We can tell them things like, "OK, get that out- that's right- you can get that out- go ahead yell, scream, do what you need to do."
Third, stay aware of how much attention you provide to your teenager during a temper tantrum. Once you realize that you are reinforcing behavior that you would rather extinguish, you can stop it. Say something to the effect of, "OK, get that out- that's right- you can get that out- go ahead yell, scream. But you know what? Take it to your bedroom so we don't have to hear it, OK? By letting the teen know that it is OK to have a temper tantrum you take the wind out of your teen's sail and when you tell him to take it to his bedroom you stop the reinforcement of the behavior. What if your teenager will not go to his bedroom? Go to yours until the behavior stops. If he pursues you into your bedroom you might have to ride it out with him and if so, do not respond and try to minimize eye contact. Never give the teen what he wants when he has a tantrum. Once he starts with the tantrum you can not give in to his demands- it's like negotiating with Terrorists. In the end it always fails. Your teen must learn that this behavior is not an effective way to get what he wants.
Fourth, remember that every temper tantrum has a silver lining. For example, a parent can agree that the teenager must be listening to what the parent says if he is getting angry. "Yes, you are right- exactly, I AM saying that you can not go out- that you can't have your friends in the house, that you will not have your cell phone and that you are grounded until further notice. If that is what is making you angry then you are exactly right- that is what I said and I meant it. Nothing that you do right now is going to change that. In fact, the more you carry on the worse it's probably going to be so just go to your room and carry on so that we don't all have to hear it. You will be responsible for anything you break."
Finding something to agree with your teenager about is often an effective way to communicate. In this case you can agree with him that he is angry because he heard you right! And in fact, you are saying THAT and MORE kind of thing.
What is recommended here is the parent attempt to reverse the dynamic that creates the vicious cycle. The vicious cycle is as follows:
1. Teen has temper tantrum.
2. Parents must do everything they can to calm down their teen.
3. Teen knows that parents can't stand it when he has a temper tantrum and that they will become increasingly more desperate to try and pacify him.
4. Teen continues to have temper tantrums so that he can have his own way or so that he can get what he wants, including increased attention from everyone.
Instead of trying desperately to stop your teen from having the tantrum, try telling him that it's OK to have the tantrum because of blah blah blah (insert active listening response here.) Tell him to get it out right now. Here then, is the new paradigm:
1. Teen has temper tantrum.
2. Parents give permission for teen to express anger and encourage him to "get it all out."
3. Parent tells teen to take it to his room or some other part of the house.
4. The teen gets nothing that he wants, including increased attention when he has a tantrum.
5. The teen learns that having tantrums is not an effective way to get what he wants and that his parents are not desperate to do anything to get him to stop. In fact, in his own room he is free to rant and rave. However, the real fun of it all is gone.
Home Contract from Caron Foundation
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Tuesday, May 06, 2008
Caron Adolescent Treatment Center
Home Contract
Patient Name:_________________ Date:______________ Patient #:__________
Mother:_______________________ Step-Mother: ____________________________
Father: _______________________ Step-Father: ____________________________
Siblings: ______________________________________________________________
Siblings: ______________________________________________________________
This is a three-month Home Contract that is intended to provide structure, consistency and boundaries that any family needs at this time in recovery. It is between the patient and his or her family. It can be changed only when all who are involved are present and can agree on the changes.
Basic Rules
This section outlines the bottom line rules that are to be followed by all patients upon discharge.
1. Mutual respect between family members (includes Honesty, Openness and Willingness to listen to each other.)
2. Attendance is required for all aftercare appointments.
3. Other family members agree not to abuse chemicals (specifically parents)
4. Active and regular participation in a 12-Step Fellowship, finding a sponsor within 14 days and attending at least ___ meetings per week.
5. No new relationships
People, Places and Things
The next session outlines the People, Places and Things that the patient feels may be problematic for his/her early recovery. It also outlines some of the more supportive aspects of their environment.
People Who may NEGATIVELY influence recovery and/or attitudes are:
1. ______________________ 6. _______________________ 11. _________________
2. ______________________ 7. _______________________ 12. _________________
3. ______________________ 8. _______________________ 13. _________________
4. ______________________ 9. _______________________ 14. _________________
5. ______________________10._______________________ 15. _________________
People who may be able to support recovery and healthy attitudes are:
1. ______________________ 6. _______________________ 11. _________________
2. ______________________ 7. _______________________ 12. _________________
3. ______________________ 8. _______________________ 13. _________________
4. ______________________ 9. _______________________ 14. _________________
5. ______________________10._______________________ 15. _________________
Places where my recovery could be put in danger or negatively influenced are:
1. ______________________ 6. _______________________ 11. _________________
2. ______________________ 7. _______________________ 12. _________________
3. ______________________ 8. _______________________ 13. _________________
4. ______________________ 9. _______________________ 14. _________________
5. ______________________10._______________________ 15. _________________
Places where I can gain support and positive direction are:
1. ______________________ 6. _______________________ 11. _________________
2. ______________________ 7. _______________________ 12. _________________
3. ______________________ 8. _______________________ 13. _________________
4. ______________________ 9. _______________________ 14. _________________
5. ______________________10._______________________ 15. _________________
Things are attitudes, behaviors and patterns that effect recovery. The things I need to change are:
Behaviors: I will follow the following curfew times:
During the Week
· In the House by ________p.m.
· Wake up by _________ a.m.
On the Weekend
· In the house by __________p.m.
· Wake up by __________ a.m.
I will help out in the house by doing the following chores:
_________________________ ________ Daily _______Weekly _____ As Needed
_________________________ ________ Daily _______Weekly _____ As Needed
_________________________ ________ Daily _______Weekly _____ As Needed
_________________________ ________ Daily _______Weekly _____ As Needed
_________________________ ________ Daily _______Weekly _____ As Needed
_________________________ ________ Daily _______Weekly _____ As Needed
_________________________ ________ Daily _______Weekly _____ As Needed
_________________________ ________ Daily _______Weekly _____ As Needed
We will begin to change the patterns within our family by holding one family meeting per week at which time we will attempt to share openly and honestly. This is a time to confront attitudes, problems, share feelings and take family inventory.
Day _______________________________ Time ___________________
I will also be changing my patterns for when I do go out.
When I go out I will:
1. Make sure it is okay with my parents.
2. Let them know exactly Where I am going to be.
3. Let them know Who I am going to be with.
4. Let them know When I plan on getting back.
5. Call if my plans change at all while I am out.
6. Discuss any major upcoming events well in advance.
In an attempt to increase the level of accountability, the following consequences will occur when I fail to uphold this Home Contract. The first set of consequences is for non-chemical violations (such as doing chores, skipping out of responsibilities, etc.), the second set of consequences is for major violations, primarily chemical use but could include running away and other addictive behaviors.
When I fail to meet my basic responsibilities, I will accept the following consequences:
1. ____________________________________________________________________
2. ____________________________________________________________________
3. ____________________________________________________________________
4. ____________________________________________________________________
If I use chemicals, there may be two Scenarios. If I am able to be up front and honest about a relapse, I will call my sponsor, call my counselor, share my experience with my aftercare group and my family. I will also accept the following consequences:
1. ____________________________________________________________________
2. ____________________________________________________________________
If I use chemicals and need to be confronted about it, or if I continue to display addictive attitudes, avoidance and defiance, I will have a family session with my aftercare counselor and accept the following consequences:
1. ____________________________________________________________________
2. ____________________________________________________________________
I have helped write this contract and feel that I will be able to follow the guidelines that are written in it.
Patient Signature Parent Signature
Parent Signature Therapist Signature
Date
If we continue to cause our teenagers to be deeply resentful, we might as well shoot ourselves in the head for all the good it does us.
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Thursday, May 01, 2008
1. Listen to your teenagers. I know that a lot of parents complain that their teens do not say much. Sometimes when teens do try to tell us something we immediately shut them down with our response. Instead, practice Active Listening Responses. It's not the only thing that you say- but it's what you can say before you say the stuff that you really want to say. The formulae is "You feel ____ because ____." Just try to repackage what they say and feed it back to them. If they nod their head and say something like "Yeah" then you got it. Now listen carefully because the next thing they say might be a little different. If they say, "I wouldn't put it that way" or "no" then try a different response. Continue until your teen seems to be finished. Now say what you were going to say first.
2. Don't lecture on and on. It's not getting through and it causes resentment. It also discourages teens from talking because who wants to hear all that? Remember, our teens really only hear our message if we take some action. "Walk softly and carry a big stick" is what President Roosevelt used to say; however, before you decide how big a stick, read #3.
3. When sanctioning, don't use a bigger stick than you need. Of course we never recommend corporal punishment and we think that it's never OK to strike your teenager with or without a stick. That is counterproductive and causes much resentment. However, just use enough force with a sanction to send a message. If the behavior continues then increase your force. Use enough of a sanction to get your teen back on track but don't over do it. Consider the crime. Make a sanction that is commensurate with the crime. Also, if you have to ground your teen- then you decide what activities they are allowed to attend while they are grounded. If your teen has planned and planned for the High School Prom, but now she is grounded for a non drug related behavior, then also depriving her of going to the prom might be overdoing it. Also, when you cause your teen to miss important events, the resentment can last for many years. Sometimes it is wise to allow your teen to attend 12-step meetings even if they are grounded (if you trust that they will actually go to one) and after school sports activities while they are grounded. Otherwise, as parents we might cut off their proverbial nose to spite their face!
4. Treat your children with respect: Don't call them names. Don't hit them. Don't talk down to them. Don't yell. Don't act as though they are the stupidest people you ever met. You can be tough parents without being disrespectful.
5. Don't abuse substances yourself: If you drink- stop. Your teenager has just come out of a drug rehabilitation. They will resent you if you continue to drink. It may not seem fair that you have to give up drinking when you are a fine upstanding citizen and after all you are not on probation. However, there is really no wiggle room on this one. If you continue to drink you will loose your teenager's respect and increase their resentment. If that seems awfully unfair check with whoever it was that originally told you to have kids. Ask them why they never explained that things like this could happen. It's always a roll of the dice when you decide to have children. The good news is that if your teenager stays in recovery, a lot of good things can come out it for both the teen and the parents.
6. Make sure to spend time with your teenager just building a relationship. Do things together. Find out what your teens are passionate about. Become interested in whatever that is, at least to the degree that you can converse about it. Do activities together as much as is possible. Even if it is taking in a movie- then do that. You might not be able to take up skateboarding, but you can read something about it on the Internet and you can go to watch your teen do it. Spend more time on activities or hanging out than you do holding them accountable. If you always seem to be dealing with a control issue when you are with your teen, then something is wrong. Try to add more time doing other things.
7. Use humor to deflect the tension. Often, self deprecating humor works best. When we can laugh at ourselves and allow our teens to get a chuckle at our expense, it is like money in the old perverbial minimizing resentment bank! I recall sitting next to a teen at a Hockey Game who apparently was holding a lot of resentment towards me. I had forgotten my camera. She had a camera. I suggested that she take a picture of our group for our club's blog. Her quick reply clued me in to just how the resentment that she felt was swiming just below the surface. I suddenly realized how difficult it must be for her to even be sitting near me at this event
Girl: [Said with a rude tone.]"Oh, do you think I'd want to take a picture of you with my camera? Think again Lloyd!"
I sat there kind of feeling stunned for a minute. I did not expect to get hit with this expression of resentment at this Hockey Game because I knew that this young lady loved to see the Penguins play. I thought that we could all put our feelings on hold for a night- like a temporary truce. However, I had forgotten that it is very difficult even for adults to put strong feelings like resentments on hold. Suddenly, I had idea. I tapped her on the shoulder.
Me: [with a dead serious affect] "You know what? I think you are completely wrong about wanting to take my picture with your camera."
