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Quote of the Week
"If I cannot do great things, I can do small things in a great way" ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.
There is confusion about Home Contracts developed by parents separately from Probation Contracts. Is a Home Contract the same as the Conditions of Supervision developed by the Probation Officer for teenagers who are on Probation or on Consent Decree? No. Are they related? Yes. This is how the two work together although I'm sure that different Probation Officers might have different views on this. The goal of this post is to see how the two can compliment each other.
First, one of the Conditions of Supervision should refer to following rules set by parents. I am thinking of adding this one to the standard ones that I use; however, number 17 of my standard COS states this:
17) Make sure that a parent approves of all activities and plans. Complete tasks set by parent. Do not carry more than $20.00 cash. Parents should manage all money by saving monies in excess of 20.00. No overnights at friend's houses. Get up by 9:00 AM or earlier each morning.
(New Clause) The above has been replaced with: Follow parent-rules and/ or Home Contract. Accept consequences from parents. Make sure that a parent approves of all activities and plans; avoid unaccounted blocks of time. Treat parents with respect. Complete tasks set by parent. Parents should assist money-management. Do not carry large sums of money. No overnights at friend's houses. Get up by 9:00 AM or earlier each morning.
Probably, some of the confusion is that I didn't spell it out clearly enough before that the teenager needs to follow rules set up by his parents. That has been added. Even if you have an older contract, you can see that if a parent needs to "approve of all activities and plans," and "complete tasks set by parents", that the Probation Contract is already very supportive of any contract set up by parents.
I also explain to each of my probationers that parents, not me, will do the heavy lifting when it comes to holding teens accountable for their behaviors, decisions, etc. So, if there is a curfew violation, parents hold teenagers responsible. PO may advise. Parents need to take an action to let the teenager know that this behavior is unacceptable.
However, there are times that I as a Probation Officer step in to hold teenagers accountable. I spell this out for the teenager and now since I've gotten so many good questions about this I'm going to add it in writing on my Probation Contract. When does a Probation Officer step in?
For the following events the Probation Officer will admit the Probationer to Shuman Center and not release before a Detention Hearing is held. At that time, anything is possible from release, one-week boot camp, Electronic Home Monitor, House Arrest or Detain and hold for appearance within ten days before a Judge.
1. A strong suspicion of drug abuse. We have zero tolerance for drug abuse and that of course includes alcohol. Some teens have been known to beat me to the punch by admitting themselves to short-term inpatient drug rehab. Still, upon release they may have to make the shuman trip but perhaps not.
2. A pattern of contacts with old people with whom they used drugs. (The first several violations can be handled by parents. Parents help the PO to know when is the right time so say enough is enough.)
3. When the teenager is outside of parental control or if the parent requests that PO takes action.- e.g., parent holds teen accountable and teen refuses as in “you’re grounded” followed by “the hell I am- I’m out of here!” This also reinforces the parental contract. Parents hold teens accountable, if the teen won’t let the parent do that, then they deal with me. If they won’t let me do that, then they deal with police/ judge type of thing. If the parent requests that PO take action the teenager is probably outside of parental control.
4. Criminal behavior that results in, or could result in, new charges. For example, taking a parent's car without permission is criminal behavior. Even if the parents would rather not press those charges, it is still alleged Unauthorized Use of Motor Vehicle. The last time that happened we scheduled a Walk-in Detention Hearing. The youth was sanctioned but not detained; however, he was almost detained.
5. Failure to adjust or complete an inpatient treatment program or Court Placement. This could be a voluntary program paid for by insurance where the teenager is discharged for noncompliance or it could be a Court Commitment that is paid for by the County. Halfway Houses and 3/4 Quarter way Recovery Houses are included in this category.
I think this covers everything. Of course suicidal behavior and suicidal ideation is a concern. Usually, a 302 or Voluntary commitment accessed by the Emergency Room of a hospital is preferable to Shuman Center. Upon discharge, however, a trip to Shuman may be in order depending on whether there are other violations and/ or if this also constitutes a Failure to adjust (complete) a inpatient treatment program.
It can be difficult for parents to be honest with Probation. Parents become afraid that the teenager will be taken to Shuman Center. Still, keeping secrets for the teenager is very dangerous. Any keeping of significant secrets regarding Violations of Probation OR violations of Home Contracts almost always lead to more violations. For more on this click on BEST WAYS TO STOP ENABLING: WHAT TEENS IN TREATMENT TELL US.
Also, if you read the five scenarios in which someone would be taken to Shuman you can see in that as long as teenagers are allowing their parents to hold them accountable, that probably won't happen. Even if a teen is taken to Shuman he might be released at a Detention Hearing albeit under tighter supervision of some sort. On the other hand, sometimes Shuman is just the ticket for keeping someone clean, safe, and alive.
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In the last news article I shared with those of you who are PSST (enter in the search bar "It's The Dopamine, Stupid " to read), one of the top addiction researchers in the country (if not the world) shared undeniable evidence of why addiction needs to be classified as a disease, and sobriety treated in a way similar to a cancer patient in remission; with on going follow-up. It is the hope that the entire medical and legal community accept this evidance as fact, so it may positively affect courses of treatment, insurance coverage, and improve social attitudes in the community and the workplace. I was thrilled to read in this mornings' paper the following article. Medical schools are stepping up to the plate, having Addiction Medicine as an accredited specialty, in which a resident may train and practice. Addiction is a disease that must be managed over a lifetime, with on-going support similar to diabetes management. If only these people would come to a PSST meeting, we coulda told them!!
MED SCHOOLS OFFERING RESIDENCIES FOR ADDICTION
By Douglas Quenqua, The New York Times
There is an age-old debate over alcoholism: Is the problem in the sufferer's head -- something that can be overcome through willpower, spirituality or talk therapy, perhaps -- or is it a physical disease, one that needs continuing medical treatment in much the same way as, say, diabetes or epilepsy?
Increasingly, the medical establishment is putting its weight behind the latter diagnosis. In the latest evidence, 10 medical schools have just introduced the first accredited residency programs in addiction medicine, where doctors who have completed medical school and a primary residency will be able to spend a year studying the relationship between addiction and brain chemistry.
"This is a first step toward bringing recognition, respectability and rigor to addiction medicine," said David Withers, who oversees the new residency program at the Marworth Alcohol and Chemical Dependency Treatment Center in Waverly, Pa., just north of Scranton.
The goal of the residency programs, which started July 1 with 20 students at the various schools, is to establish addiction medicine as a standard specialty along the lines of pediatrics, oncology or dermatology. The residents will treat patients with a range of addictions -- to alcohol, drugs, prescription medicines, nicotine and more -- and study the brain chemistry involved as well as the role of heredity.
"In the past, the specialty was very much targeted toward psychiatrists," said Nora D. Volkow, the neuroscientist in charge of the National Institute on Drug Abuse. "It's a gap in our training program." She called the lack of substance-abuse education among general practitioners "a very serious problem."
Schools offering the one-year residency are St. Luke's-Roosevelt Hospital in New York City, the University of Maryland Medical System, the University at Buffalo School of Medicine, the University of Cincinnati College of Medicine, the University of Minnesota Medical School, the University of Florida College of Medicine, the John A. Burns School of Medicine at the University of Hawaii, the University of Wisconsin School of Medicine and Public Health, Marworth and Boston University Medical Center. Some, like Marworth, have been offering programs in addiction medicine for years, simply without accreditation.
The new accreditation comes courtesy of the American Board of Addiction Medicine, or ABAM, which was founded in 2007 to help promote the medical treatment of addiction. The group aims to get the program accredited by the Accreditation Council for Graduate Medical Education, a step that requires, among other things, establishing the program at a minimum of 20 schools. But it would mean that the addictions specialty would qualify as a "primary" residency, one that a newly minted doctor could take right out of school.
Richard Blondell, the chairman of the training committee at the ABAM, said the group expected to accredit an additional 10-15 schools this year.
The rethinking of addiction as a medical disease rather than a strictly psychological one began about 15 years ago, when researchers discovered through high-resonance imaging that drug addiction resulted in actual physical changes to the brain.
Armed with that understanding, "the management of folks with addiction becomes very much like the management of other chronic diseases, such as asthma, hypertension or diabetes," said Daniel Alford, who oversees the program at Boston University Medical Center.
Central to the understanding of addiction as a physical ailment is the belief that treatment must be continuing in order to avoid relapse. Just as no one expects a diabetes patient to be cured after six weeks of diet and insulin management, Dr. Alford said, it is unrealistic to expect most drug addicts to be cured after 28 days in a detoxification facility.
Increasing interest in addiction medicine is a handful of promising new pharmaceuticals, most notably buprenorphine (sold under names like Suboxone), which has proved to ease withdrawal symptoms in heroin addicts and subsequently block cravings, though it causes side effects of its own. Few addiction medicine specialists advocate a path to recovery that depends solely on pharmacology, however.
Equally maligned is the idea that psychiatry or 12-step programs are adequate for curing a disease with physical roots in the brain. Many people who abuse substances do not have psychiatric problems, Dr. Alford noted, adding, "I think there's absolutely a role for addiction psychiatrists."
Read more: http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/11192/1159630-115-2.stm#ixzz1Rnla8Kst
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It seems there is an endless supply of people with “good intentions”, who have made it their mission to “fix” me.
I do understand I have plenty of issues that could use some fixing but not by people who have not walked in my shoes, which are not so big right about now.
They truly believe that if only I follow their advice my life will be “fixed”.
Do they not know that I live my life morally with values so I could demonstrate direction for my sons in choosing between right and wrong.
Do they not know I gave consequences for bad behaviors.
Do they not know I how hard I tried to pick up the pieces left from their fathers suicide.
Do they not know it’s hard to smile all the time when you live with the demon of addiction.
Do they not know that I still get up each day and pray about the things I cannot change.
Do they not know how hard each relapse can be.
Do they not know that even though my son is an addict he is still a person with feelings.
Do they not know I do not want them to pretend my son is dead.
Do they not know I am learning not to enable and to detach with love.
Do they not know I need support not criticism.
Do they not know I sometimes just want a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen.
Do they not know I carry enough guilt (warranted or not) on my own, without their help.
Do they not know I have tried everything I know to help my son and myself to live not just exist.
Do they not know I understand that to live does not mean you’re alive.
No, they do not know.
As I think about how these issues affect me. I have to also remember I have been guilty of some of them myself in dealing with my son.
On this path of addiction I have learned from many of you, to listen more to what my child is really trying to say and act instead of reacting. Although I am not doing that so well right now with the good intentioners.
My hope is that people will realize that just because my son is an addict does not mean I was an absentee parent.
I was there to change his diapers, to stay up all night when he was sick, for his first steps, his first day of school, his first surgery, his first broken heart, the first lie I caught him it, the first bag of weed I found, the first pill, the first heroin stamp, the first relapse, the first court appearance, the first stay in Shuman..
No they do not know….
It’s easy to judge from the outside in (isn’t that an inpatient placement place?) which is something I have learned from our journey. I have made a conscious effort to try and not succumb to that temptation with not only people I meet, but also my son.
I believe that I am stronger now, able to stand but every time I get knocked down by a good intentioner, it takes a little longer to get back up. As an addict's mother, I have learned, again from many of you, not to back down. They have stood me up at the gates of Hell (where families of addicts all have seen) but I WON’T BACK DOWN.
I read a saying that time heals all wounds, but even healed wounds leave scars, which will be with us forever. I pray for healing of my wounds so I can start dealing with the scars.
Although I don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel yet, I believe I do see a glimmer. So for today I will walk towards it and hopefully someday I will be out of the tunnel and into the sunshine with my boys at my side.
Violet
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 Friday marked day 8 since Bam Bam came home from his placement.
It has been a roller coaster week. Before we were even in the car he started up about wanting his cell phone and that he wants to upgrade to a smart phone.
This had already been discussed and isn't happening for several weeks but he didn't want to let it go. I know that the phone is a huge status symbol for teens but for our teens it is more than that. It is drug paraphanalia. I already have smart controls on his phone so that up to 30 numbers can be blocked, the times he uses it can be controlled, etc. And we've told him, to even contemplate a smartphone he has to pay for the new phone and the monthly data plan (at least 2 months payments, in advance) and insurance. Now, this kid doesn't have a job, no money and even though in this first week he has filled out applications none of them have been submitted. I did take him to get his ears pierced with some birthday money he'd gotten so he did get to fulfill at least one life dream! The tatoo can wait until he is 18!
Before discharge his counselor thought that he should be rewarded for doing a good job and we should bend the rules about no friends for special occasions like 4th of July. We went along with her recommendation on this.
Well, he came home July 1st and then got to spend all day on the 4th with friends. I really don't know all what he did and where he was. He SAID that he was at community days celebration in a nearby borough. He told me he that at least one kid offered him weed but he said 'no' and said that his friend JC told him he shouldn't.
He let it slip that he spoke with Eddie (the kid I most want him away from and that our local police told me that my son needs to stay away from) and then kind of caught himself and said it was on someone's phone. I'll never know for sure.
On his discharge sheet it was recommended that he attend 90 meetings in 90 days. His counselor told him and us that she would be happy if he did at least 3 a week. Well, he hasn't been to any. He says he needs his phone to get contact numbers from people. Fred told him he could use paper and pen but he wasn't going for it. So we'll see if ever makes it to to one.
On Thursday his friend Weezy was going to cut his hair. He had asked me if he could then hang out with him for a couple/few hours and I told him maybe, I would have to think about. Nothing more was discussed. Then on Thursday he does get his hair cut but then he ends up "chillin" with JC, sends me a text message (Fred has generously given Bam his phone) telling me he'll be home at 10. WHAT! He is not even supposed to be out at all. But of course Fred gave him his blessing. I was furious. We get him on the house phone with me on one extension, Fred on the other and of course Bam on the cell phone (which I might add DOES NOT have any controls so Bam Bam can call and text anybody he wants.) and we are talking.
Bam is staying very calm, I'm not (which Fred points out later) and he says his dad said he could be out until 10:00 or 11:00. Fred said he said 9:00, I said he was only supposed to be with Weezy for a haircut and we NEVER finished the conversation on whether or not he could hang out.
Bam Bam of course didn't hear any of that.
He never heard Fred say be home at 9:00 and then Fred is thinking "did I say that??" In frustration I get off the phone and go outside to swim and hopefully work off my frustration. Within 20 minutes Bam Bam is at the fence letting me know he is home
(I found out later Fred went and picked him up at his request).
He is really concerned that I know he came home of his own accord and that he doesn't have to go to court. His 2nd ACT 53 is on Tuesday and hopfully his case stays open.
Friday he had his first aftercare counseling appointment with a therapist that supposedly does dual-diagnosis. We make a follow-up appointment for the next Friday. This place does not do drug testing so I have to do it myself at home or get scripts from his doctors to go to a lab. I do have one from the psychiatrist. The pediatricians office said I can call them when I need one and I can pick it up at the office. I was hoping for a stack of scripts.
Today, he tells me this counselor isn't helping (AFTER ONE APPOINTMENT!) and he wants to do something else like Gateway or something like it (which he failed miserably at). I try to get a test from him but of course he can't comply so maybe later. He tells me it will be o.k. and we told him that's good-he can prove that he is clean.
Meanwhile, during the week he was asking me to buy him NIACIN to help with weight loss. I told him absolutely not and wonder if he has relapsed and wants to try and get it out of his system. I have heard this doesn't really work but the kids think it does.
Anyway, we have had ups and downs this week and now will have to see what happens next. I don't want to seem too negative but I don't think he'll be able to withstand the peer pressure and he is not giving up any of his friends.
He asked me today about when we can get Eddie here to talk to (that is supposed to be the plan-Eddie has to prove himself to Fred and me before Bam can hang out with him.)
Well, how can I prevent them from being together when Bam Bam is out in the community, out of my control? He took a walk yesterday and was in this kids neighborhood. I think he told me so that if anyone saw him I would have heard from him first. Of course, he was going to another kids house. He decided to take a walk while both Fred and I were out of the house.
Back to the work thing-he did try and work for a friend of ours as a laborer but Bam is basically lazy and a hypchondriac so the first day he complained that his back hurt and came home (job was in walking distance) and didn't go back. Our friend gave him another chance and he lasted 2 hours. So goodbye to $10 an hour.
We will see what happens next.....
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Sometimes we are so busy focusing on the chaos generated by our teenagers that we forget to take care of ourselves. As Lloyd Woodward wrote a year ago in his posting “We Can Do It,”
If you don't take care of yourself you can't take care of others. Set a good example for your addict by having your own life, where you pursue happiness by having good relationships, where you spend time with people you care about, and have strong interests and hobbies. Work out. Eat well. Get lots of sleep. Be strong. That way, when the real crisis comes you will be ready.  Here are some excerpts from Regina Brett’s “45 life lessons and 5 to grow on”, published in the Cleveland Plain Dealer in 2007. These life lessons are good reminders about taking care of ourselves and keeping a positive attitude about life. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
When in doubt, just take the next small step.
You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
Always choose life.
Forgive everyone everything.
Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
Believe in miracles.
God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
The best is yet to come....
Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.
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This came up at last week's meeting. I remember talking about this years ago in PSST and referring to the Article by Lori, The Eight Things I Wish I Knew. This part about anger is only part of the article. Click on the above link if you wish to read the whole article.
Hold onto some of the anger because sometimes you will still need it.
One trick that I have in getting control of noise in my mind, setting aside my fears and getting control of my emotions so that I can “think straight” is what I call, Hanging onto the Anger.
I do not mean that we strike out in anger, but use it in a constructive manner in order to provide strength to do what you must do.
Nothing can bring us greater joy than our kids can. There is truly nothing better in life. In fact, I think life would be very shallow without the joy that our children have given us.
However, at the other end of the spectrum, no one can get you angrier than your children can. Your spouse may run close second, but your kids are the winners in the anger category.
The drug addicted behaviors, the extreme defiance, the lies, the stealing and the chaos.
And the moments of extreme anger.
Why - Won’t - He - Stop! Why does he continue to rip us apart? I don’t even recognize him anymore. What is happening to him? What is so very, very wrong here!?
Well, now we now know the answers to all those questions.
Our teenager is not the typical teenager who is just spreading their wings.
Our teenager is not the adventurous teenager who may be taking more risks than you would like him to take.
Our teenager is not going through some “drug experimenting” phase and all will be okay when it is over.
Our teenager is not one of many others that we know who did just that – And they were just fine!!
Our teenager is a Drug Addict.
Our teenager needs help.
Our teenager needs treatment.
Our teenager needs long-term treatment.
You are a critical part to your child’s survival of their Addiction.
So, hang onto that anger and remember it when you need the strength for that little extra push.
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Lately I've had several people ask about contracts. There are different ways to do contracts. It's an individual thing. It's a very good idea to use one especially if your teenager is returning home from rehab or from placement.
We've written a few pieces about contracts and by putting "contract" (no need for quotes) in the search box in the upper right hand corner of the blog I'm proud to say that A LOT comes up. Give it a try.
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 The time I have been waiting for..........Beaver is finally home after doing a stint at a rehabilitation facility. Actually multiple facilities but I digress. And I suppose longer than a ‘stint’—16 months, but who’s counting?
It’s so funny, I’ve cried so many tears for things lost while the Beaver was away; his presence in the home, graduations, celebrations, holidays, birthdays, births, and deaths. Now the little scamp is back home and I am still crying! "Why are you doing this, June?" I ask myself. I listened for an answer but only heard some rap music playing—loudly. Was this the response I was waiting for?
The first 30 days of Beaver’s return home I will fondly remember as the Super Glue days. Wherever Beaver went so did I. Wherever I went, so did the Beaver. Boy, that was some fun! A true bonding experience.
We’ve now rolled into the second component of our new and improved lives. This is the "June releases the reins a bit" phase. Beaver gets to go out by himself. I now have to ‘trust’ that "people, places, and things" are behind us. [I say ‘us’ because this is a team effort.] Beaver’s freedom is my trip down the rabbit hole. Every comment has to be processed, analyzed, and then processed again before it comes out of my mouth. Except for the other night.
Little Beaver comes out of his room and approached the couch where I was reading. "What the h-ll did you do to your lip?!?" June screamed. "I pierced my lip!" Beaver said with a smile. That silly little Beaver thought it would be funny to put magnets on the inside and outside bottom lip to give him the "snake bite" look. I had forgotten how fast I can move when put to the test. "I’ll rip those out of your lip if you ever try that Beaver" June replies. Now, thinking back-- processing, analyzing, and processing again—I wouldn’t change a word of it.
Beaver turns 18 next week. Joy, joy, joy! Beaver is getting a tattoo for his birthday present to himself. What could it possibly be? Would it be a heart with Mother in it? Or a little star, or moon? "Mom, guess what I’m getting on my back? It’s going to be ‘see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil’ but instead of monkeys it’s going to be skulls!! Won’t that be cool? For the see no evil, there will be a knife gouging out an eyeball, and hear no evil will be a knife through the ears. And Jed [the tattoo artist] is going to make it mechanical looking, and it will look like they’re popping right out of my back! Awesome!!" said Beaver excitedly. "And it’s only going to cost $600! I am getting a great deal because he’s doing this special for me ‘cause I know him from NA and it’s my birthday and everything. I’m going to make sure I’m not scheduled to work on my birthday so I can get this done!"
And, once again, down the rabbit hole I go.
Perhaps I should change my name to Alice.
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 We must accept finite disappointment, but we must never lose infinite hope. ~ Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
Since first grade, Dylan has had difficulty reacting appropriately with authority figures on a consistent basis. At times, he became very angry and out of control. As concerned parents, we took him to therapists on and off during his elementary school years, and we often met with school administrators and teachers to put action plans and consequences in place. Thankfully, there were two relatively peaceful years during middle school, when it appeared that Dylan was outgrowing his behavior issues. But then the intermediate school years arrived, along with the early signs of puberty, and the situation worsened.
A brief clash with the legal system that resulted in 6 months of probation appeared to be an eye-opener for Dylan. However, once his probation was over, his defiant behavior escalated exponentially. He often refused to attend school and/or to arrive there on time, was insubordinate with teachers and administrators but refused to serve the assigned detentions, and was openly unapologetic about smoking weed. He became more and more defiant with his parents, school administrators, teachers, and even the local police. We made numerous phone calls to the local police to “restore the peace” in our home, spent many sleepless nights wondering whether Dylan was going to leave the house to wander the neighborhood, and agonized over Dylan’s choices of questionable “friends”. We had strong support from the school staff and the local police, but throughout it all, we still felt lost, worried and heartsick. There were many dark, dark days. As grown adults who had successful work careers, we were being outfoxed at every turn by an openly defiant teenager who had gained too much power in our home. We were assured by various well-meaning people that we were good parents and were doing nothing wrong, but how could that be true, given the results? We felt so helpless.
An administrator at our son’s school referred us to the Parents Survival Skills Training (PSST) blog, and we began to read some of the postings on the site. My husband (Brad) and I liked some of the advice that we saw on the blog, so we decided to attend a meeting to see what it was like. To be honest, we were skeptical. We are not meeting “groupies”. Airing our dirty family laundry in front of a bunch of strangers didn’t really sound like a fun way to spend 3 hours each Saturday morning. Did everyone go there just to get their problems off their chests so they would “feel better”?? We wanted answers. We wanted to learn how to parent a defiant child whose thoughts and actions were totally foreign and incomprehensible to us. We needed help.
 The outpouring of practical advice and encouragement from the Allegheny County Probation and Wesley Spectrum staff who coordinate the PSST meetings has been phenomenal. We are also grateful for the kindness and support from the other parents, whose personal journeys have been both a source of inspiration and a reality check for us. The blog itself is a great source of thoughtful and useful advice.
Acting on sage guidance from the PSST professionals and parents, we pressed charges against our son and told the judge that we did not want him released back into our home. That was one of the hardest things that we ever had to do, but it wasn’t any harder than watching Dylan spiraling out of control. Less than 90 days after beginning our journey with the PSST group, Dylan was ordered by the courts into an intensive inpatient program. Two months have passed since that day in court. It has been very quiet & peaceful in our home. We miss Dylan – we miss his playfulness, his wit, and his ability to make us laugh – but we don’t miss the chaos and anxiety that choked us. We are comforted that he is safe and in a program that can help him gain some maturity and better decision-making skills.
Dylan’s counselor tells us that he is still very vulnerable right now, as he struggles to focus on the personal changes that he needs to make. While Dylan is going through behavioral counseling, Brad & I are in training too. Through the weekly PSST sessions, Brad & I are learning new ideas and skills for dealing with our defiant, drug-using teen. We realize that we have been part of the problem, by not recognizing all the ways we were enabling our son as he pursued a self-destructive and risky path. A couple times each month, Brad and I join together with Dylan and his counselor for family counseling sessions, as we begin to prepare for our son’s eventual release from the program. We know that when Dylan returns home, that we will continue to have strong help and support from his probation officer and therapist, which will be crucial as we begin the real work of rebuilding our family. We recognize that we have a long and difficult road ahead of us, but knowing that we have so much support in our journey is reassuring.
We are no longer helpless and alone. We have an army of supporters at our side, and the power of prayers from our family and friends. We are hopeful – and determined – that we will find the strength to meet each new challenge.
~ Hope is the companion of power, and mother of success; for who so hopes strongly has within him the gift of miracles. ~ Samuel Smiles
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WHAT DO YOU THINK? - The following letter (credited to Nar-Anon) was read at our Gateway YYAP family session. It led to some lively discussion by the teens and their parents. 
So What Do You Think? Send in your thoughts and opinion in the comment section at the bottom of this post or to sallyservives@gmail.com
AN OPEN LETTER TO MY FAMILY
I am a drug addict. I need help -- from a doctor, a psychologist, a counselor, from an addict who found recovery in Narcotics Anonymous, and from God.
Don't solve my problems for me. This only makes me lose respect for you.
Don't lecture, moralize, scold, blame, or argue -- whether I am high or loaded or not. It may make you feel better, but it will make the situation worse.
Don't accept my promises. The nature of my illness prevents me from keeping them, even though I mean them at the time I make them. Promises are only my way of postponing pain. Don't keep switching agreements; If an agreement is made -- stick to it
Don't lose your temper with me. It will destroy you and destroy any possibility of you helping me.
Don't allow your anxiety for me make you do what I should do for myself.
Don't cover up for me or try to spare me the consequences of my using. It may reduce the current crisis, but it will make my illness worse.
Above all, Don't run away from reality as I do. Drug [or alcohol] dependence, my illness, gets worse as the using continues. Start now to learn, to understand, to plan for recovery [yours as well as mine]. Find Nar-Anon [or PSST] whose group exist to help the families of drug-abusers.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Cisco's comment: Some of the parents felt there were too many "Don'ts" in the letter for them and not enough for their teen. I found this as a good message for all parents, and families, of addicts to end their codependent behavior. Dwelling on your addicted loved one's issues all of your busy days and all of your sleepless nights can ruin your health, your marriage and your family.
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 It's official, after 8 weeks at Bedrock Manor Bam Bam is coming home on Friday.
According to his counselor he has done wonderfully. She told us that when he first came she didn't think he was going to make it but he turned things around. I think once he realized that all of his efforts trying to get kicked out to come home were only going to get him sent somewhere else he decided to figure out what he had to do to come home. And that day has arrived.
He didn't get his off-grounds pass today because he had a tier (sanction) for an altercation with one of the other boys that involved pushing and shoving. I don't think punching was involved. It was enough to negate all the good stuff he did up to that point so that his "percentage" wasn't high enough.
And still he is coming home.
We had our last family meeting so that we could go over rules for when he comes home. He spent a lot of the time arguing over his cell phone. He still is determined to continue his relationship with his drug-dealing "friend" Eddie. The counselor told him again that it is up to us to determine if and when Bam sees Eddie. Eddie is supposed to come over to our house, convince us he is o.k. and will not sabotage Bam's recovery.
If I go to see Eddie's dad; I'm not to go in ‘gun’s blazing’ about the illegal activity in his house. I am supposed to talk about the fact that Bam Bam just got out of rehab and to aim at making sure their house is safe for him. In the meeting when I expressed my feelings about Eddie Bam Bam told all of us that he will just use then if he can't see his old buddy. We finished up with more of the rules and then time was up.
I am sure once Bam Bam has his freedom back he is going to do what he did before and sneak around with this kid. I decided on the way home that maybe my statements that I will never approve of Eddie and I don't trust him, etc, etc, are driving my son to want his "friendship" even more. So, I decided not to do that anymore (well, I'm going to try).
As the counselor tells us we are his parents not his jailors and that eventually Bam Bam will be back out in the world. I'm not convinced he's ready for it but I don't have any choice. Bam's dad will go along with whatever is recommended.
After the usual insurance hassles (we could not get the highly recommended dual dx counselor) we have psychiatrist and counseling appointments the first week he is home. On the recommendation of his counselor there should be a little relaxation of rules for special occasions so Bam Bam is going out on July 4th (3 days after discharge) with the best of the bunch friend (he's used with everyone so I don't really trust any of them).
Now, in the not too distant past he would go out with this kid but end up coming home with someone else or needing a ride from a random neighborhood (we just found out that it was because he was hanging out at Eddie's and didn't want his dad to know; even though I was 99% sure this was the case but then remember I am TOO suspicious).
I am just hoping for the best.
After the family counseling meeting it was time for our last family programming meeting. The counselor who was running the meeting gave each family a large piece of white paper and a marker and starting with the kids they had to do a timeline of their life up until yesterday. They were to put down different milestones in their lives.
Then they had to add on the timeline when they started to use, times they used, what they used. I was sick when I learned that in addition to the weed and acid (and suspected huffing) I knew about, Bam Bam has also tried (he may have been downplaying his use on these) ecstasy and 'shrooms. Knowing this explains to me even more of his behaviors prior to going to the psych hospital in December 2010.
Then the parents had to put on the timeline any family events that were going on during these times. Interestingly, all of the really bad stuff had happened when Bam Bam was younger. The only thing closer to when the using started in July of 2009 (he had the official day) was that his dad had retired the year before. The counselor then went around to each family group to discuss the timelines. He suggested maybe Bam Bam was having delayed reactions to the tragedies but Bam said he was just bored.
Who knows?
While we were doing this exercise Bam Bam told us he isn't going to any meetings until he gets his phone back because he needs to get numbers from people at the meetings. We told him he can still go to meetings anyway. He is still going to have restrictions on his phone. I have a feeling he isn't going to follow through with the 7 meetings in 7 days for 90 days recommendation but I am hoping that I am wrong.
We met another family at the placement where the dad used to work with Bam's dad. The past couple of weeks when we were leaving family programming we chatted for a little while with this couple. It's amazing how many similarities these boys have. And they have become friends.
Last night was interesting because two topics came up that Fred and I are on opposite poles about.
The first was, the other dad was talking about his son's friend had stolen his bike and sold it to someone else. The dad confronted the thief and told him get the back or he was calling 911. Lo and behold the kid got the bike back.
Fred then proceeded to tell him Bam's story about how his BMX bike ended up at the police station because he had left it at one friend's house, then another friend took it and was chased by the cops and the bike was taken to the station.
WELL, I called the police station and they DO NOT HAVE THIS BIKE. Fred, even in the face of this evidence, believes Bam Bam's story. New dad told Fred "he sold that bike." Which is what I think happened. Fred didn't say a word.
The other story was about driving. Our boys are both 17. New dad was saying that he would drug test his son and the kid could only drive (still just has a permit) if the test was clean (he did very well, actually). He said he wasn't taking a chance on this kid testing positive and having an accident that could possibly be very bad and he didn't want a situation where the other party would sue them over and above what the insurance company would pay.
I had just had a conversation with Fred that if Bam eventually got his license (he doesn't have a permit yet) and I didn't want Bam on my insurance and that he would have to have his own car in his own name.
Fred thought this was terrible, it would be so expensive, that's what we have insurance for and I'm being unreasonable. I even called the insurance company and, even though it may not happen a lot, it can happen that we could be sued over and above what the insurance would pay in the event of a catastrophic accident.
Again, Fred didn't say anything but I was glad he heard these viewpoints from someone OTHER than me. And of course he hasn't brought it up since but that is his way-not to talk about anything that bothers him.
Anyway, as you may have guessed I am not jumping for joy that Bam Bam is coming home. I am worried about the plan. He is supposed to have a daily structure and I can see Fred not enforcing it. And again, once he is out in the community I am really worried he is going to use again. He will not be back in group outpatient so he won't be making any deals with other kids like he did before. However, if he does relapse he knows he will go right back to inpatient rehab.
Ready or not, here we go...
Wilma
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Wow!! This is not easy, nor is it fun, but it is faith driven and brings one to communicate fervently to their God. I am talking about the effect of my son Ronnie's drug abuse on our lives.
On Wednesday, June 14, our son Ronnie, after not allowing him back home and after his boss told him to get help or she would press charges against him for stealing money at work, admitted himself into a transition drug rehabilitation living center. He hated it, but my wife and I looked at it as a haven to stop him from using, i.e., clean time. “What a relief!” was our first reply, and good feelings started flowing again inside my body.
 Friday rolled around and Ronnie had packed his suitcase and walked out of the rehab center, traveling down the sidewalk with his large suitcase in tow. This luggage was stuffed with his clothes, and all of his other belongings. He made it to a street corner nearby, and after asking a woman if he could use her cell phone, called, guess who, his father and said, “Dad, come and get me.” I said, “Huh, what did you say, where are you, what happened?” Ronnie said, “I hate that place, they just sit around and are afraid to move, you have to say you are getting up every time you leave the room or change locations, just to let someone know you are moving around. Etc., etc.” Looking up from my breakfast plate to my wife for advice, Gracie said, “Tell him to walk back to the rehab center.” So I did ... “No, I can’t do that. I don’t even know where I am.” “Well, will you go back if I come over there?” Ronnie said, “Yes, come and get me.”
So I left for somewhere. I had not gotten the address location, so I called the anonymous cell phone number back, and the kind woman gave me the exact street corner where she talked to him. OK, I was focused on this location and knew exactly where he was. Many thoughts raced through my mind, especially what to do when I got there. I immediately told my wife that I was not going to appear in my white car to save him, but must park a distance away so that he had no chance to escape this one.
On the way over I saw a billboard for drug rehab centers, along with their logo. I kept this in mind as I drove. I parked only a half-block away and walked to the hotel where Ronnie was sitting in the lobby. He saw me and said, “Oh, Thank God.” When we got outside he said, “Where is the car?” I said, “We are walking back.” “We can’t walk back, it’s too far and this suitcase is heavy.” I said, “I’ll carry it”. Ronnie barked, “No, I’m not going!” I said, “Well, we will just sit here till you decide to go back.” He walked away, leaving me with the suitcase. I just relaxed and sat next to the suitcase. He returned almost immediately. We bickered back and forth for awhile until it dawned on me what was happening. I calmed down and said, “OK, then we will find a new placement. Did the rehab center give you a list of other places where you could go?” Ronnie, “Mumble, mumble…”
As I looked around I saw a hospital across the street with a familiar logo. Yes!!! They have rehab centers. I told Ronnie that they have rehab services there and we will walk there. Guess who carried the suitcase. Good Old Dad!! The hospital staff was very helpful and as we talked to the social worker there, Ronnie was again trying to convince her that he did not have a Drug Problem. We were getting nowhere until I brought up the reason that we just needed to know the phone number of any drug rehab center where we could enroll Ronnie.
So Ronnie said, “Oh that’s all you need, well here then,” as he pulled out a paper with the names and phone numbers of 5 or 6 behavioral health service centers. Ronnie was familiar with one of the names, let's call it Rehab Two, so that’s the one we called first. We explained our story and that I refused to let him come into our house again until he got help. We were referred to an advocate, who somehow after back and forth phone calls about health insurance and drug use with Ronnie, got him into the program.
We met the advocate at the hotel, explained the situation, mentioning about Ronnie's drug use again, the trouble at his place of employment, and his boss’s ultimatum that either he got help or she was going to press charges against him for stealing money, and that Lloyd Woodward had been in touch with us. The advocate knew Lloyd well, and soon thereafter she asked me to take Ronnie to the local Rehab Two inpatient services. I agreed and off we went to their office. While sitting there waiting to be picked up by a transport van to go to Rehab Two, Ronnie was still trying to convince a visitor that he did not have a drug abuse problem. The rest is still drug rehab history in the making.
Well for now he is safe and off the drugs (marijuana and other unknowns). We are still not home yet, but on our way. Thanks to many loving and caring persons on earth and in heaven.
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HOW TO END ENABLING
Posted by:Rocco--Monday, June 27, 2011
 ENABLING: WHAT'S THAT?
Enabling is a behavior practiced by well meaning family members and friends of addicts that achive the exact opposite results of their actual intentions. Another definition I read was "Trying to be helpful or useful in some way, but often producing a negative effect or result."
While searching for some information I came across a web site called eGetGoing that has a good explanation of what enabling is, its effects and how to change your enabling behavior. Following is the "Reader's Digest" version
For the entire article click on eGetGoing - Enabling
ENABLING: WHO ME?
When family, friends, and associates of a chemically dependent individual allow that individual to continue the addiction to alcohol or drugs, their behavior is called enabling. When repeated, enabling behaviors become ingrained in the chemically dependent person's family, job, or social structures.
MEANING WELL: THE ORIGINS OF ENABLING
We often begin enabling in an attempt to be kind and helpful. For example, we may wake someone so they are not late to work. By doing so, we help them avoid the consequences of oversleeping because they were using or drinking late into the night before. We loan addicts money, often over and over again, and we are surprised when they use it to buy more drugs or alcohol.
Enablers may have their own system of denial that is fed by the lies and deceptions addicts use to cover up their using.
EXAMPLES OF ENABLING
Examples of enabling behaviors include:
- Making excuses for the addict/alcoholic (calling their boss to say they are sick with the flu, when they are really hung over, or referring to your teenager's drug use as 'just a phase')
- Paying their bills (including legal fees)
- Bailing them out of jail / paying their court cost or restitution / paying their fines
- Making rationalizations for their irresponsible behaviors
- Ignoring the problems caused by the addict's use (financial, employment, legal, social, family)
- Cleaning up their messes
- Accepting their excuses or believing their lies
- Not discussing the problem of their chemical use
- Not getting help for yourself
As addicts/alcoholics are rescued from the consequences of their using and drinking, they learn to rely on their enablers to continue their addiction.
Enabling behaviors can be changed, and recovery is possible even if the chemically dependent person does not seek help.
HOW TO CHANGE ENABLING BEHAVIOR
When we begin to identify and change our behaviors, they don't just disappear all at once.
Recovery and changing takes time and practice, practice, practice.
With this in mind, we can look at some examples of changing enabling behaviors.
- Stop making excuses to others for situations or problems that are caused by the drinking and using of the alcoholic or addict. Do not phone the employer to excuse him/her from work. Do not make up stories to others about why the addict/alcoholic was unable to keep obligations such as showing up for the family reunion or missing appointments.
- Refuse to lie. This includes Not Keeping Secrets.
- Do not clean up their mess. If the chemically dependent person makes a mess, such as being physically ill or tearing up the living room, do not clean it up. Allow them to see the damage and result of their actions.
- Do not bail them out of jail / pay their fines, court cost, restitution or legal fees [including children under the age of 18]
- Do not pay bills you are not responsible in areas that do not affect your safety or basic well being. Do not pay for the new TV, cell phone service, iPod he/she purchased.
- Do not continue useless arguments. Go to a movie, take a walk, read a good book, or go to a support group meeting [see the PSST Meeting Schedule].
- Do not make threats you are not 100% willing to back up with appropriate actions. Example: Do that again and I will call the police! or One more time and you're out of here!
- Have a calm and Quiet discussion as possible.If safe and appropriate, discuss your concern with the person in a non-emotional way. If your teen gets loud, beligerent or threatening get up and leave at once.
- Find a support system. This may include [PSST], Al-Anon, CoDA, Nar-Anon, a sponsor, codependency treatment, private therapy or counseling, a spiritual advisor or minister, or trustworthy friends.
When you begin to change your enabling behaviors it is helpful to have a sponsor in an organization such as Al-Anon, or a private counselor or therapist, who is familiar with your individual circumstances.
They can be key to achieving positive changes in you.
PLEASE COME TO OUR PARENT SURVIVAL SKILLS TRAINING [PSST] MEETINGS TO DISCUSS THIS AND OTHER ISSUES – WE ARE HERE TO SUPPOERT YOU, THE PARENTS, AT NO COST AND NO OBLIGATION.
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JUST FOR TODAY ~ By Violet
 As I return from another placement to visit Sal, I am full of emotion, again. Nothing in my upbringing has prepared me for this battle which I am in. These waters for me are uncharted. Doubt creeps in, dulling my senses. There is no certainty of success only trial and error. It's just that the errors in this fight can bring death and I am so fearful of that end for my child. At times I feel I am the Lone (or maybe Lonely) Ranger in this struggle. I sure could use Tonto, right about now.
Sal’s new rehab is YFC#3 in Trough Creek State Park about 2 ½ -3 hours from here. It is surrounded by the forest and lakes, quite scenic. The program is different than the others he’s been to, and I am hopeful that will be a good thing for him. They seem to focus on the body as well as the mind.
When I see Sal, the first time in 3 weeks, he hugs me. No, I mean with his arms around me not at his side and his body stiff as a statue. I felt life in him as we hugged. It’s been years since I felt that. Of course I do what mothers of addicts do best, cry. But this time is was not out of sadness.
We talked a little about his recovery in the beginning but I have learned not to make every moment a teachable one. I find, at times, I learn more by watching his mannerism and listening to his thoughts which I am pleased to say he had some. My gut, which is my best gauge, tells me he was being real. And for today that is good enough.
He has gained some weight and I can no longer see the bones in his face. His eyes are crystal clear with a spark in them as we talked of his goals. He looked me in the eye when we talked. He was respectful and thankful that I came.
This is not the child I once knew, nor is it the addict I have come to know so well, but someone who is just developing.
I know I have heard these things before but something is different about him, in a good way. I do understand it is easier in treatment than on the outside but I liked what I saw and more importantly what I felt and for today that’s good enough.
No this isn’t the life I dreamed for us. I wallow in that now and then. I cry for the memories we missed. I cry that we only have each other. I cry for the people we have lost in this battle. I cry out of fear and uncertainty.
But today I cry out of happiness. And once again, for today that’s just good enough.
Violet
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