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Quote of the Week
"If I cannot do great things, I can do small things in a great way" ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.
My nephew is in Second Grade. He has missed school enough times that his mother might receive a citation. Plus, he is often late to school. He is staying with us for a few days and we found out how hard it can be to get him out of bed and get him ready for school. His mother has had some health problems and certainly it is difficult for her to handle all of these issues with my nephew.
He throws a temper tantrum. He passively resists. He begins to scream and hyperventilate. He is big for a Second Grader and he just puts up a heck of a fight. Yesterday, I had left for work and my wife struggled with him and finally got him to school late.
We talked with his mother. She says the thing that works best is to tell him that if he gets ready for school, there will be some special treat after school, like going somewhere that he likes. Apparently, this often works with him; however, it does not always work or else he would not have attendance and tardiness issues.
Here's the problem with bribery. It reinforces bad behavior. If you are yelling, screaming, and generaly being a pain and I come up and promise you something nice, then you are going to learn that if you yell, scream, and be a pain that you will be rewarded. Remember: kids are smart. They can figure things out much better than we give them credit for. My nephew has figured out two important things.
(1) By carrying on like he does he can often miss school or at least go in late. This works for him because he hates school.
(2) That often he will get offered something special if he just stops being a pain and goes to school. This works for him also because otherwise he would not get the special activities. So, it's reasonable that he would act this way because on both counts it works for him.
Now he is in Second Grade. Imagine him with 50 more pounds and two extra feet. That's what we will have to deal with when he is a teenager. He will be much harder to get to school then.
We passed on the bribery. Not going to happen. He has to go to school because it's the law that he go to school every day and because we have to get to work. We aren't promising him anything special for doing what he is suppossed to do every day. We know he can get up and get ready and go to school and that's what we expect.
Here's what I did last night to prepare him for going to school on time. I picked him up at his Grandparents. In the car I told him that tomorrow he was going to go to school on time. He said he wasn't going to go to school on time. I replied that he would certainly go on time and that we would make sure of it. He wanted to know why we would do that and I told him that was a good question but sorry I don't have a real good answer- it's just the way it is. He got rather mouthy and informed me that he hated school and he didn't see why going in on time was important. I agreed that sometimes school sucks.
Before he got out of the car I asked him to help me check my Child Care Locks on the door (I sometimes call them Shuman Locks I explained to him because I often take Juveniles to Shuman Center in the my car and I put these locks on so that they can't escape.) By doing this he could see that once I put him my back seat, he was not going to open the door and jump out.
Once we got inside we had a talk. My wife and explained to him that she had to go to work early and that I was going to be the only one home in the morning with him. I told him we could wake him up very early so that he could have time to get ready for school and that, regardless, we would be leaving on time.
I then told him that I would not fight with him to get him out of bed. I showed him the target area of the face that I use to wake someone up. I drew an imaginary line above the eyebrows and down the cheek to under the chin. I told him I would apply only a little bit of water to that area of his face to help him wake up and that I would use only enough water that I thought was necessary.
He paid attention. His had a look of incredulousness on his face, as though he found the whole thing unbelievable. Then, my wife and I (we had already come to understanding between the two of us) asked him what did he think would happen if he refused to get dressed for school?
Nephew: You'll tell me the Easy Way or the Hard Way? [This is a saying that I have used with him before.] US: Yes, but what do you think the hard way will be? Nephew: "You're going to put me in the car anyway?" [he deduced from the Shuman Locks bit] Us: You are very smart. Yes, you are exactly right! You will be in the car on time whether you are dressed or not and I'll put the clothes in the back seat with you and you can finish getting dressed at school. In fact, if you prefer you can go to school in your PJs and just get dressed at school. [The idea of this seemed to upset him a little bit.]
Later, when he was in the bathtub he began screaming and yelling. Nothing in particular, just screaming and yelling. We figured he wasn't drowning as long as he was making all that noise and we pretty much ignored it. I think he was attempting to intimidate us by showing us what he was capable of if we crossed him. Think of a gorrila beating his chest just to show the other apes that they better not mess with him. Also, at this point if we were to have insisted that he stop yelling he might not have quit it. It could have turned into a pointless powere struggle.
Morning came around. We woke him up early- no problem and no water necessary. My wife put his clothes on a chair by the front door and she left for work. I made breakfast- french toast- one of the few things I can make. I called him for breakfast and he yelled, "I'm coming I'm coming you don't have to keep calling me." I gave him a cheery "that's good, I'm glad to see you're up and coming downstairs." He asked for seconds and that was no problem.
After that everything was incredibly easy. I didn't expect it to be easy. I thought we were going to have a showdown, one that I was sure I would win, but it never happened. I promted him to brush his teeth when he was in the bathroom. He already had. I came downstairs to tell him it was time to get dressed but he already was dressed. In fact, he was standing by the door waiting for me. He was ready first! He had no more questions about why we had to go to school on time- he had accepted that that is just the way it is.
We had a nice early morning chat in the car on the way to school. Nice talk. No beligerance. Just nice talk. We were early for school arriving at 7:33 AM. I chatted with the School Social Worker who was standing outside when I dropped him off. I gave him a big hug and told him I loved him. He said he loved me too and that was it.
Will it be this easy every morning? I doubt it. Did we get lucky? Sure we did. But you know we were prepared to get him to school on time. We had a plan. We told him what the plan was and he believed that we were dead serious. I think having him help me check to make sure the Shuman Locks worked helped him to see how serious we were about it all.
If he needed to be put in the back seat of the car with his clothes handed to him, it probably wouldn't have happened twice. I would have also put the seat belt on him and while he could take it off again, I was planning on contining to put it back on so that we were driving legal. If at some point he agreed to get dressed I would have pulled the car over and allowed him to take off the seat belt and get dressed. And I would have been careful not to lecture him about it too, just to accept that he was now ready to get dressed; however, we would have already been out of the house and down the road a bit before that happened. Once out of the house we were not going back into the house but rather we would continue to school as best we could.
The other thing we told him was that if this turned out to be an ongoing problem we would get him up earlier and earlier each morning to allow the time necessary.
Maybe we just got lucky and dodged a bullit today. Maybe not. But think about how if left to his own devices, this young man might grow up to have serious problems. As long as he is able to decide if and what time he is going to show up at school he is going to have way too much power. Remember the Oil TV comercials? The one where "You can pay me now or you can pay me later?" That's the way it is with going to school on time problems. Take care of it now- or it's going to be harder to take care of it down the road. And by then you don't just have real dirty oil, but you got serious engine problems too.
Bribery: more reading.
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We have posted this before and in honor of Mother's Day I wanted to post it again; although now we are sending you to another web page that still is able to feature this funny creative version of the William Tell Overture. Enjoy. Truly a Mother's Job is Never Done. Even when your kids are well grown into adulthood. But then again, I guess that's more by choice than anything. Mothers Everywhere- why not really take a day off? You deserve it! Also, for an update about our last Wexford meeting on 5-9-09, click "read more."
We had a nice turn-out: eight parents, three more experienced group members and five newer members. The three more experienced group members injected hope into the room as all three had gone through some very dark times and never expected to get to the "other side" of this teenager drug problem so successfully. The parents who are still struggling had much in common as they shared about defiant and sometimes violent teens still vying for power and in several cases, obviously still abusing drugs.
We talked about how defiant teens are trying to use fear to gain power. The reason for that is that they have no real power otherwise; they are not educated, not very well employed, and not financially able to provide for themselves. Also, they usually feel very little remorse for the terrorizing that they do to their families. In their minds, the parents deserve to be terrorized because they keep interfering in their lives and because they refuse to give them everything they want.
One situation that we talked about is the parent intent on showing their teen that they are not afraid. But we asked, why not be afraid? If your teen has threatened your life for example, who would not be afraid? Therefore, take precautions. Consider safety at all times, and yet, find a way to stand up to them.
It's not so important to not be afraid. In fact, sometimes it is precisely because you are afraid that you are taking the steps you are taking, e.g., having a Police Officer present when you explain to your teen that you are taking his cell phone, that you are filing a charge with the authorities, or that you have had it and you have decided not to allow him to terrorize you any longer. Or if not a Police Officer, a Counselor, a neighbor, a relative. Of course, if you are lucky enough to have a Probation Officer for your teen, then he absolutely needs to be included, but often parents can accomplish much without having a Juvenile Probation Officer in the mix.
Remember, your defiant teen wants to do two things. First, he wants to make you afraid so that he can have the power that he wants. He wants what he wants and when he can get what he wants- that's power. Secondly, he wants to keep the fact that he is terrorizing you as much a secret as possible. The last person he wants to know about this is the police or his relatives, or family friends. He is counting on you to keep it a secret. So don't. Let him know in no uncertain terms that from now on you will broadcast to significant others his use of unacceptable and sometimes criminal tactics. As Ken often points out, sometimes the significant others includes the parents of your teenager's friends. Do they know what your are dealing with as far as aggressive behavior and drug abuse goes. What impact would it have to call each of your teenager's friends parents and tell them, "We just wanted you to know that we are having problems with our son; he is threatening us and we suspect strongly that he is abusing drugs!"
If you are allowing your teen to regularly threaten you without consequences then you may be passively helping to create a criminal. Even though you believe that he does not mean it, some kinds of threats are criminal. Other kinds of threats are not. If he is threatening to hurt or to kill you- bingo- that is a criminal act and in that case you may wish to have a local Police Officer explain to him the possible consequences of that behavior. You do not do your teen a favor by over looking it.
Of course, many will reply to this line of logic that it is different for them because their teen is "Dual Diagnosed." Consider that each teenager of the eight parents that attended our last meeting had a Dual Diagnosed teen (mental health problem plus a drug abuse problem.)
These are the tough teens; however, allowing the Dual Diagnosed teen to manipulate you with fear is not recommended. At some point, you have to stand up to your teen regardless of their psychiatric condition. Should you refer your teen to have a psychiatric evaluation? Of course. Should you follow recommendations of a psychiatrist and try to have your teen take prescribed medications? Of course. In the meantime, however, it is dangerous to let your teen see that he can manipulate you with fear because if he can attain that level of power in your family, it is likely that his substance abuse issues and his mental health issues will continue to grow. If you are trying to have your teens mental health issues addressed but he continues to abuse drugs, good luck. Probably that is not going to work. As long as their drug abuse continues the prognosis for effective mental health treatment is not good.
It's not easy to stand up to a Dual Diagnosed teenager; however, it is not really easy to over look defiant, aggressive and threatening behavior either. If you are going to have a bad day anyway why not have one because you choose to stand up to your defiant teen?
Anther thing that came up again in group is teen cell phone use. Cell phones are considered drug paraphernalia by many parents. The texting that goes on today is more considerable than the actual talking. The biggest reason for parents to allow an irresponsible teenager to continue to carry a cell phone is "so that we can reach him." If this is your stance, ask yourself how that is working for you? Most parents admit that when their teenager doesn't want to be reached by parents he just doesn't answer the cell phone. Or if he does answer he lies about what he is doing, who he is with, and what he is doing. Your teen's cell phone may contain his drug dealer's names. Remember also that teens abuse cell phones in school. It is often not a good idea to allow your teen to carry a cell phone to school. If you think your teen is still doing drugs, pull the cell phone.
Likewise, the computer is a primary way to stay in touch with other kids that abuse drugs. Insist on having your teen register you as a "friend" so that you can view your teens My Space or Facebook page. Try to go to your teen's friends My Space or Face book. What do you see? Are they advertising drug or alcohol abuse by showing pictures of themselves drinking or other provocative things? If you think your teen is still doing drugs, pull the computer privileges.
And the hat trick of teen tools to continue a lifestyle of drug abuse is the car. Is it inconvenient for parents to take a car away from a teenager? Sure. How convenient is it for you to attend a funeral that didn't have to happen? Cars provide drugs in many differerent ways. If you think your teen is still doing drugs, by all means, PULL THE CAR privileges.
So, if your teen is defiant, violent and/ or is still abusing drugs or alcohol, then make sure that you are not doing or giving him anything that can help to enable the lifestyle that he has choosen. Sometimes we only think of money as enabling if we are giving them large amounts of it. But consider that teens tell us that they even save lunch money to buy drugs. If you believe that your teen is still abusing drugs then perhaps reconsider trusting them with any money at all. You might, for example, call the school and see if you can pay direct for lunches. Avoid actually placing any money in your teens hands if you believe that they still abuse drugs. See The Three Best Ways to Stop Enabling for more information.
Then after all these "drug paraphernalia" have been restricted, try to sit back and enjoy Mother's Day. You've really earned it now.
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Tom M came to Eastern PSST about six weeks ago. For that meeting we had no regular members although we did have a handful of new parents who were dropping their teens off for the Education/ assessment class. We have been hoping that Tom would make a return appearance for our regular members. Tom's message of hope includes a frank and sometimes brutally honest apprasial of his previous drug problems and his relationship with his family. It can be a little rough around the edges and at times he may wander into the vernacular as he describes the way it is; however, the truth he speaks is powerful and his story is riveting. After listening to Tom you may be able to gain insight into your teens relationship with substances. You may also see a new significance to your role as parent.
On April 17th, Tom M was one of a handful of Juvenile Court youth who courageously spoke to hundreds of high school students on Fatal Awareness Day at Robert Morris College. Tom M also shares his message of recovery through his 12-step Hospitals and Institutions program.
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We are reconsidering our meeting schedules. Attendance is low at Eastern lately. If you value this location for a meeting, come in and support us. We need you. Hope to see you tomorrow.
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We had the opportunity to ask teenagers in treatment and few of their parents what are the best ways to stop enabling. We ask them to come up with the top three.
1. Stop lying, covering up, or making excuses for your teenager, such as calling in sick for him. Even if you think your teenager has a good reason to miss school or to miss a treatment session don't lie when you call in for him. He has a drug problem and he needs to face the music even when you think it's unreasonable. For example, if you lie and say he is sick when he is not then why shouldn't he lie and say he is sick to skip responsibilities that you think he should do? You are creating a monster when you cross this line. If you have done it-own up to it- and tell your teenager that it was a mistake and you won't be covering for him anymore.
This sounds easy. It's not always easy. There is the battle and there is the war. For example, if your teenager has a paper due the next day and he has procrastinated, then allowing him to miss treatment so that he can complete his paperwork might seem like the right thing to do. And if it doesn't happen very often, maybe it is the right thing to do. Reasonable people can disagree on that one; however, when you call in a lie for him and tell the therapist that he is sick, then you have just approved of faking sick to get out of something. That's a mistake that will come back to haunt you. If you approve of him missing the treatment session then call in and say that he procrastinated on a paper and you hope it's OK that he misses one session. Stick to the truth. Probably, it's better if he takes a bad grade and learns that procrastination is a bad policy. Or go to the treatment session and let him stay up late working on the paper. You can win the battle of the grade on the paper but loose the war on substance abuse in part because you are enabling.
2. Do not give or loan your teenager money if you know that they still abuse drugs or if you believe that they may not be able to pay you back on time. Again, this is easier said than done. Teenagers have a way of making it sound entirely reasonable to trust them money when you know from past experience that you should not. Sometimes it is a good idea to suggest alternatives such as, "No, I will not give you the money; if you need new shoes I will go with you to the mall and we will pick out a pair together that don't cost too much." Teenagers want things. Teens in trouble with drugs often want things that they don't deserve, that are unreasonable, etc. Don't trust them with money if you know you can't trust them and don't buy them a lot of stuff they don't need. You can't buy love. Period.
3. Set Boundaries, don't make threats, and stick to them. For example, don't keep secrets from your teenager's therapist, from his PO, or from his other parent if you think the information is significant. Most things are significant. Your boundary could be stated this way: I will not keep secrets for you. Therefore, if he violates his curfew it's not "if you do that one more time, I will tell your father," it's "of course I will tell your father- I don't keep secrets for you." It's not a threat. It's a boundary. Words like "nevertheless" and "regardless" help keep boundaries. Remember, you don't have to continually justify a boundary. It's your boundary- keep it- use it- and don't explain why you do it all the time. Your teenager gets it. He just doesn't like it.
Teenager: If you tell my PO that he is going to put me at Shuman. Is that what you want? You just want to get rid of me don't you?
Mom: Nevertheless, I don't keep secrets from you PO.
Teenager: You're a bit&@.
Mom: Regardless, I will not keep your secrets.
Honorable Mention: All three of our discussion groups came up with this last one as an honorable mention: Do not drink or use drugs with your teenager. When asked why this didn't make the top three on anybody's list the answer we got was "we don't think this would happen very much anyway, but if it did - stopping that would be in the top three."
However, it does happen more often than you would think. Some parents are courageously honest about it treatment. If you have done this, admit it in treatment. Tell your teenager that you have made a mistake. Tell them you will not be doing this anymore. Then, perhaps take your teenager to a meeting and you will find that you can turn this handicap into a strength. If on the other hand you try to keep this important fact a secret then you set a bad example. Once again, Secrets Keep us Sick. Also, consider that using substances in front of your teenager is also usually not a good idea.
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Defiance and intimidation- tactics that work because we become afraid. As parents we must face our fear first before we can effectively face our teenagers. An analogy that works is terrorism.
Terrorists base everything on fear. They are not really strong enough to win what they want through conventional warfare. Therefore, they attack the Towers in New York. We lose a ton more people to automobile accidents each year than we do to Terrorism. So why do we suddenly become afraid of terrorists and not afraid to get in our car and drive to the store? Because Terrorism is designed to cause fear. That's the whole idea. To impress the victims with ruthlessness.
It seems that the Defiant Teenager has a similar goal, albeit on a much reduced scale. The Defiant Teen hopes to also impress his parents that he is capable of quite a lot in order to have his or her own way. Similarly, the teen is not powerful enough to win his objectives conventionally. He has no real income. He has no real employment other than perhaps ground-level part-time work. He has no real education. We can go on and on. He has no real housing, other than what his parents provide. He has no real transportation except that his parents might help him get a car and help him pay insurance etc. The teenager is absolutely not in a conventional position of power; therefore, he resorts to fear tactics to get what he wants.
Your teenager might be six feet tall and weight 180 lbs. In that context he may seem powerful. Likewise, the terrorist has explosives that can take lives. However, this does not win the day for either one. Once they employ that power the armed forces and the police will respond in force. Once a Terrorist or a Defiant Teenager acts against citizens, including parents, there is going to be heck to pay.
Of course, as a parent you are not just afraid that your teenager will hurt you. That may or may not be a concern of yours. As parents, what other things are you afraid of?
1. Are you afraid that your teen if he acts out his threats, might be arrested? And if he is 18, he could start an adult criminal record?
2. Are you afraid that your teen will get hurt if his defiance leads him to run away?
3. Are you afraid that your teen will be hurt by his own substance abuse or by his own hand in some other way?
4. Are you afraid that your teenager won't love you if stand up to him/ her?
5. Are you afraid that you will carry the guilt if any of that actually happens? Are you afraid that it will be your fault or that you could have done something to prevent this awful thing from happening?
Are these realistic fears? Yes. Still, if you capitulate and allow your teenager to be in control, does it really lessen the likelihood that any of that stuff will happen? No. Once he has control of your house won't he be more likely to employ his defiant tactics elsewhere?
Bottom line: similar to how countries interact with terrorists, once parents allow their fear (or guilt) to dictate their responses, the Defiant Teen has already won. Now we have taught them that Defiance is a great way to get what they want. Now we have taught them that their Defiance is effective.
Meanwhile, we keep waiting for them to "get it." We keep waiting for them to feel bad about what they are doing. We hope that they will come to their senses and realize that they have treated their families horribly. After all, eventually they will see that, right?
The problem with this approach is also analogous to the problem countries have with Terrorists. Neither of them care. In fact, interviews with teens suggest the opposite: that they often have a sense of power and accomplishment when their defiant tactics work to get them what they want. Allow yourself to think about this for a minute. Not only does your defiant teen not feel bad for terrorizing you, but he probably takes some pride in being able to manipulate you so effectively.
As a parent we struggle with this idea. We are in denial. We want to believe that our teenager really cares about our feelings but that he just doesn't understand. He is confused. No- your defiant teenager does not care how his defiance effects you. If he did care, he would not do these things. This is especially true if your defiant teenager is deep in his addiction. Until they get off drugs the only thing they care about is getting more drugs.
I see this time and time again. The teens who threaten to hurt their parents, who threaten to run away, who threaten to commit suicide, who threaten to have a temper tantrum and start breaking up stuff just don't care what effect their behavior has on their families. They don't see themselves as culpable. They really believe that it's your fault. You make them resort to these extreme tactics and if you would just do things differently there would be no problem.
Like the teen that I met for the first time at Abraxas. I asked him want went wrong that he got sent to Abraxas. He said that it was a problem that he had with his mother, but now they have it all worked out and everything will be fine when he goes home. I asked him how that worked. He replied that his mother didn't trust him because she busted him using substances. After that she refused to let him out of the house. Because she didn't trust him to go out, he just went out, angry about the lack of trust that his mother had in him. Then he did every drug he could get his hands on. If she had only trusted him he would not have had to go on that drug binge. Now they had it all worked out because she realizes that she should have trusted him more.
As I heard this I thought Huh? This line of thinking is incredulous; however, this is what your defiant teenagers often think even if they won't tell you that this is what they are thinking. It's all your fault.
Another way to try to see how your defiant teenager sees things is like this: they abuse you verbally, emotionally, and sometimes physically. Your teen may feel that if you allow yourself to be abused, then you deserve it. It is all about power, if you don't take the power then you don't deserve it. If the teenager can successfully seize it, then they deserve it.
Our only hope is to stand up to our teenagers. Find a way. Call the police if they are breaking the law. Take their car off of them. Call a rehab and get a Drug evaluation. Take their phones off of them. Take the door off their bedroom. Cut them off from all financial aid. Do it with love. Don't yell. Just act. Charge them with Terroristic Threats. Charge them with Assault. Charge them with Theft. Wake them up in the morning no matter what it takes. Do it every day. Get in their face but keep your voice down. Talk slowly and let them see your resolve. Mean every word of what you say. Surprise them with your determination and with your resolve. Often the outcome is decided by who wants it more. You can want it more.
Keep this in mind. Do you do all this for yourself? Not really. For yourself, you would choose the way of least conflict. You do it for them. You do it so that they can learn that their tactics are not effective. You show them, with as much love as you can muster at the time, that the way in which they are going about having their own way is not working. Not anymore. Of course, many teenagers turn the corner, embrace recovery from addiction and try to change their lives. Until this happens don't expect your defiant teen to care very much about how you're feeling about all this. Once this turn-the-corner thing happens teenagers may begin to feel for other people and experience remorse for the things that they put their families through.
One last thought: In addition to standing up to your teenager you should make sure that you don't give them increased attention for some of the defiant acts. Temper tantrums draw attention. You can walk away. You can still hold them accountable in some way later, but get away from the yelling and/ or violent teenager. They aren't winning unless you give in so don't do that; but don't feel that you have to stand there in the middle of a temper tantrum. Just walk away. If it gets too out of control, call the police. Ask for assistance to "keep the peace." That is the best way to get a policeman quickly to your house. Or depending on what is going on, call 911 and report that your teenager is threatening to take his or her own life. Take an action. In general, take more action and talk less. Remember, when you engage in a yelling contest with your teenager, the terrorists have already won.
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Once again, I had the opportunity to ask a room full of teens struggling with drug and alcohol problems to help identify the Three Most Effective Ways that Teens Manipulate. This was a different group; however, what these teens and a few parents came up with was very close to the first results. The top two were exactly the same- but this time there was a tie for third place!
As you may recall, the Top Three that have been previously posted on this blog are (1) Lying, (2) Guilting and (3) Doing Good Temporarily. This time half the teens thought that the Third Most Effective Manipulation was Defiance. The teens were not necessarily referring to the same type of Defiance, but rather there were several types that seemed to fit under this general category. The other half maintained that Doing Good Temporarily was still the Third Most Effective Way to Manipulate.
The several types of Defiance that the teens brought up are as follows:
1. No matter what your parents say, just do what you want. For example, if they tell you to stay in, make sure that you go out. This teaches parents who is in charge. If they can't do anything to stop you, they probably will quit trying to tell you to stay in because it is just a battle that they are going to loose anyway.
2. Let your parents know that if don't get your own way on something important, that you don't know if you'll be able to keep it together. You might just have to flip out- start yelling, throwing things, trashing the house by putting holes in the walls, etc. This over-laps somewhat with the second most effective way to manipulate because as you do this you will let your parents know that it is completely their fault that you are "loosing it."
3. Make threatening statements. This one is similar to #2. Threaten to run away. Threaten to get high. Threaten to break the law if you have to, to get money, when they won't give you any. Threaten violence towards your parents. Threaten to hurt yourself. Threaten that if they insist on not letting you have what you want, you will be the most depressed person in the world- and of course it's all their fault.
Sometimes the threat of violence is direct but often it is implied by the way in which you communicate, e.g., yell, clench your fists, or mutter under your breath so that your parents can hear certain violent words. For example, your parents may hear some of your words but not all of them. It might go something like this: "Blah blah blah f******** blah blah b***** blah blah kill someone blah blah ****-you-up blah blah." This way if you get confronted about what you are saying, you can claim not to have been speaking to your parents or claim not to have meant what they thought you meant. Similarly, if you can keep the threats "implied," then later it is easier to deny that you have actually made threatening statements.
The bottom line is that even though your parents may not want to address what's going on- what's happening is that you know that your parents are afraid of you or are afraid of what you might do, either to them or to yourself. They know they are afraid but they might not want to admit it. That's your ace-in-the-hole because as long as they don't want to admit it, they really can't do much about it. So what can a parent do in the face of defiance? First, pay attention to what is going on. You may need the help of a therapist or other concerned party to help you sort out just how your teenager is using defiance to stay in control.
Once you figure out how your teenager is using this technique the Second Step is to admit it. For example, if your teen refuses to stay home when your ground him, then admit that he is outside of your control. Without this admission, it is impossible to move towards any solution. If your teenager threatens violence whenever you attempt to wake him up in the morning and you are not willing to put yourself in that position, then admit that he is failing at school because he is outside of your control.
The Third Step is to realize that doing nothing is doing something. When you do nothing to address the situation, you passively approve of your teenager remaining outside of your control. You approve of them not attending school. You approve of their continuing drug abuse.
The Fourth Step is to try something different. There is a saying in 12-step that addresses insanity: "Insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results." Or, "If you do what you always did, you get what you always got." For example, you might involve others in the situation. Contact a School Guidance Counselor and disclose that your teenager has been operating outside of your control. Don't keep this a secret. Take a positive action after consulting with school professionals, therapists, probation officers or in some cases, police.
There is more to say on this subject. Stay tuned for more on this post or look for a follow-up post soon. In the meantime please leave a comment if you have had anything similar to this happen to you, and especially if found any solutions.
Parent Survival Skills Training: parents helping parents take back control!
The Top Three Ways Teens Manipulate Parents: Part I.
Approaches To Dealing With Teen Lying: Part II.
Guilting the Parent: Part III.
Doing Good Temporarily- Just to get privileges back- Part-IV
Doing Good Temporarily- Just to get privileges back- Part-IV
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Happy Easter weekend everybody. We'll be back at Wexford on April 24th.
(image from purchased CreataCard software)
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The Bridge to Hope Family Support Group “Vigil of Hope” Wednesday, June 3,2009 at Kearns Spirituality Center
To bring comfort to those families and friends who have lost loved ones to addiction, and to support those who are actively affected by the chaos, anxiety and fear created by this disease, there will be a vigil at 7:00 PM on Wednesday, June 3rd at the Kearns Spirituality Center, 9000 Babcock Boulevard, Allison Park, PA 15101. Drug and alcohol addiction and its associated trauma have touched countless Americans from all walks of life and from all backgrounds. Over the years, families and friends have felt very much alone as they sought ways to remember their loved ones; this year’s VIGIL OF HOPE is designed to bring these individuals together to call attention to the extent and nature of the drug and alcohol epidemic and end the isolation. Sponsored by the Bridge To Hope Family Support Group, in partnership with Passavant Hospital Foundation, this year’s program will feature Mr. Lindsay Hargrove as the keynote speaker. Please visit www.bridge2hope.org for more information.
The parents tha t will be dropping their teens off for the Education Assessment Classes will be invited to attend PSST. We've had several meetings like this lately. Two weeks ago we had four new parents whose teens were being dropped off at the Assessment Classes. We had no "regulars."
While we thought the meeting two weeks ago went off really well, it would be nice to have some veteran PSST members help us out with the new parents.
We are going to meet on the Fourth Floor in a very nice, albeit slightly smaller room. Just follow the signs from where we usually meet on the first floor towards the back elevator-make a left off the elevator and you're there.
If you've never been to our meeting check out the link on the left to google maps.
Special Note: Two weeks ago we had Tom M as a guest speaker. Tom M has an inspirational message that goes along with his six months clean. He has started a whole new life and he may be willing to do a repeat performance for those that missed two weeks ago. We are not sure.
Note: the Education/ Assessment group is by invitation only so don't bring your teens with you on the 17th. Just expect that we will have some new faces in group.
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Click on Flyer to see enlarged image.
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I am a mother in a Middle-America, double income family that consists of my husband of 30 years, my daughter age 27 and my son age 21. I grew up in the inner city where I met my future husband in high school; we married after college and moved to the suburbs to start our family. This is the story of my son's drug addiction that started in his teenage years told in six parts.
I describe the events leading to my realization that I had lost my teenager to drugs and the steps I took to cope with that realization, get my son help, and rebuild my family with our new adult son in drug recovery. I am offering my story to help raise the awareness of the teen drug problem, to help destroy the stereotype of the drug addiction as being an inner city issue, and to share some of the lessons I have learned with the hope that they may benefit you and your family.
“So I grabbed for that oxygen, inhaled it till it hurt, I began the climb out of that pit, and I started to rebuild my life that included everyone and everything that I had pushed aside for years. And I found support and strength that allowed me to properly deal with my son’s issues. “ Part Six (click here for part 5)As parents we all want to fix our child’s drug addiction and we try very hard to do so. In fact I spent years trying to fix it, to the exclusion of my marriage, my daughter, my career, my friends, and everything else around until the exclusions included my health. But I could not fix this. And any thought that I could was a denial of the truth and I was living in an illusion. And the more I tried to fix it the more we all sank into the co-dependency of manipulation and enabling. But I get it now. We did not move forward as a family that included my teenage son, for he is a drug addict and he needed help. So I had to relent to others in his life that knew more than me about addiction, that truly could help him, and I must give him the freedom to accept that responsibility himself. And in order to do that, I must get-a-life.
So I started this end with the steep climb out of this pit that we all sank into. And I grabbed for that oxygen, just like they tell you as the airplane is moving onto the runway, “If air pressure is lost, all parents please place the oxygen mask over your face first before tending to your children.” And I finally understand that statement after hundreds of flights. I used to listen to the attendant giving these instructions and thinking she was crazy. Of course, I would take care of my kid first. I must ensure his survival and not be selfish for my own needs. But I learnt that if the parent doesn’t survive or is not prepared to deal with the child’s issues, neither would survive. And my family certainly had lost air pressure, and we were going down.
So I grabbed for that oxygen, inhaled it till it hurt, I began the climb out of that pit, and I started to rebuild my life that included everyone and everything that I had pushed aside for years. And I found support and strength that allowed me to properly deal with my son’s issues.
And who is there with us at this end? Again, I think who ever we need to be there; family, friends, God. They are all there, but our teenager will not be there. He has finally passed on and we will have finally placed the hope of him in our past. However, our emerging adult child is there with us. And we are there with him. However, we are different now. We understand that they are a drug addict; that they have a disease that is in remission.
And we all must work towards another end of keeping this disease in remission. So our relationship with our child is changing. We are still their parents, but they are adults now. And they are still addicts, and we are their drug abuse counselor first. Every interaction with them must be preceded with the thought process that will determine if our actions will enable this addiction and reactive the disease, or keep it in remission. Will my actions take him more than one day from the streets?
For we must never forget, that we are always their Number-One in either sanctioning the addictive behavior or condemning it. It is only when we have determined, in total honesty to ourselves and without bias, that our actions will not awaken this demon that will always live deep inside of them. It is then we can be their parent. And last, but not least, when we are finished being their parent, given them direction, executing all of those necessary responsibilities that parents have, can we then simply be their mother and father. It is only then that we can open up and allow them to just be our kid; For at that moment they are not a drug addict.
And what is our now adult child doing at this end? Hopefully, they are moving on into recovery, because the last thing we have done for them is to ensure they are placed into an environment where they can learn to cope with society, survive well in the outside world, and teach them to build a fruitful life within drug recovery. And they are surrounded by others who can truly help them.
And we must allow them the freedom to find their way with these new skills that they have learnt and now must practice. And I do mean practice. They are not going to get it right every time. So we still do keep a watchful eye for the danger signs and provide some level of guidance.
However, there comes a point in time that the best we can do is to not-enable and pray that they find their way. If we continue to interfere in their lives and decisions, they will continue to make bad decisions, because we keep saving them from their poor choices. I think this is the only absolute truth we have to hang onto. I do not know any sure-fired way to guarantee that they will never do drugs again or to be sure that they will always be safe. But I do know that if we continue to save them from poor judgment, they will continue with their declivity, downward on their descending slope. As long as we spare them the experience of the full scope of the consequences of their behavior, the longer they will continue the behavior regardless of how destructive it is. This is the power of this demon that summons them into drug use at any given moment.
And as always when we reach an end, there is a new beginning; A new beginning that will look different, feel different, and be very different. We now have our young adult. And he is maturing and growing, and he is finally starting to realize his dreams, and what a joy it will be!! It maybe new dreams, but we will be sharing them with him this time. And these dreams will allow him to grow and become the adult we always knew he could be. And we will all be there together as a family.…….Finally!
So our family is trying to get back to some level of normalcy now. And our home is quiet now and the tension is gone. We are happier than we have been in years and my son’s enjoys us, and we enjoy him. Well, most of the time we enjoy each other. After all he is still just 21, and he still has some growing-up to do, and we still have some parenting to do. But this parenting is the normal stuff, and it feels good! This is another thing that we have missed; Just being a normal parent addressing typical parent / kid stuff.
And I can concentrate on my work better than I have in years. And I now have up-to-date pictures of my son that I can bring to work and actually show my co-workers. That was a long time in coming, too. One such picture, he is standing by the water at South Beach Miami. And with today’s electronics, this picture is on my cell phone and is on my desktop computer at work. And I look at it often during the day with pride that he is doing well, but also in relief that I can see him happy, and he is not high. That too was such a long time in coming! So many times when he was in placement, I knew I was doing the right thing, but it was still difficult to see him so unhappy. Over the past several years, he was unhappy, belligerent, high, sick, etc., etc., and any combination of all of these things and more. Now I can see him happy, healthy, and clean. What a gift!
But even after all these years of dealing with my son's drug addiction, of facing what we must do to help him and doing so. Then seeing him emerge as a recovering addict and realizing how lucky I am that he has made such progress. Even after all this, I still struggle with the waiting for all of these teenage things to happen. These teenage events with my son that I looked forward to, that I planned for; this relationship with my teenager that I so wanted, that I still need; These events that I pondered over and planned for; These events that I counted on, took for granted; But these events will never happen; and this relationship will never be. And I had to accept that in order for me to have the focus to help him and then let him go into a life where he assumes responsibility for his drug recovery. Because that is the only way it will ever work. He must assume responsibility for himself and I must let my teenager go.
So during my workday, I make a point to look at his picture on my computer and deliberately stop and pause for a few moments to remind myself, and eventually convince myself, that this young man is my son, that my little boy is gone, and my teenage son will never be.
But there are times that I gaze upon my son’s picture; I sense the other piece of the mother deep inside of me that does not recognize this young man looking back at her. For her son is still 9 years old, and they have so much to look forward to. Surely he will do well in high school. He is a straight A student and he consistently gets accolades from all of his teachers. While maybe not his music teacher, since he can't sing on pitch, but he stills does fine for his limited musical ability. And he is always a well-mannered little boy in all of his classes. Also, he surely will be involved in school committees and play varsity hockey, because he is such a good player; One of the best and he continues to work hard at his practice drills. She has never seen such a young child have such focus and drive, so maybe he can get a hockey scholarship somewhere. But regardless of all the possibilities that will be and maybe not be, he will surely do well and have many opportunities. Also there will still be many chances to watch him play hockey, attend school events, plan parties and banquets, meet his friends, their parents, etc., etc., etc. There are so many good times left for her and her son.
So she grabs him … Swallows him into her arms .... While she still waits.
(This is the final entry of a six part series - our thanks to Lori for sharing her struggles with us in an effort to help us with our own)
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I am a mother in a Middle-America, double income family that consists of my husband of 30 years, my daughter age 27 and my son age 21. I grew up in the inner city where I met my future husband in high school; we married after college and moved to the suburbs to start our family. This is the story of my son's drug addiction that started in his teenage years told in six parts.
I describe the events leading to my realization that I had lost my teenager to drugs and the steps I took to cope with that realization, get my son help, and rebuild my family with our new adult son in drug recovery. I am offering my story to help raise the awareness of the teen drug problem, to help destroy the stereotype of the drug addiction as being an inner city issue, and to share some of the lessons I have learned with the hope that they may benefit you and your family.
“And I tried, to the exclusion of my marriage, my daughter, my career, my friends, and everything else around until the exclusions included my health. But I could not fix this. … And the more I tried to fix it the more we all sank into the co-dependency of manipulation and enabling. “ When my son was completing his stay at the halfway house and he was planning his future, we discussed ways in which I could help him. However he said, “I cannot take help, Mom. I must be one day from the streets to stay clean.” I was amazed at his foresight and further amazed that he refused any financial help. And now when we discuss any ‘help’ that I may give him, I make sure that I do not interfere with this balance. Even though he and I have never discussed that moment again or his words, I force myself into that memory and replay it over and over again. I picture myself in his room, me sitting in the chair and him sitting on his bed and saying, “I must be one day from the streets to stay clean.” He got it. Now, I must remember it forever.
So, as we parents come to an end, so must there be an end to our child being a child. And we come to the end of supervising their treatment. We have taken care of them to the best of our ability. We have gotten them help, paid for counselors, worked the authorities to get them into placement, been there for them when they needed us, and we have been there for them even when they didn’t need us, certainly when they didn’t want us. They have proceeded through these years of therapy and placement, and they are growing older and learning. Our teenager is gone. It is time to allow the adult to emerge.
However, it is very difficult to determine what action we should continue to take as parents as our emerging adult moves forward into drug recovery. We will still be a part of their lives and still see them struggle from time to time. Unfortunately there is no absolute truth to what will work when dealing with an addict. There is no well-defined path to success. There isn’t even a path that is obvious, even if it isn’t a sure success. And there is no guarantee that there will not be dire consequences to whatever actions or inactions that we decide to take or not to take.
However, we do know what actions enable our child to continue to be an active addict. By the time your child is ending his teen years, you know all about enabling, because we parents have been on the front lines of our addict’s enabling. And we continue to be there. We will always be there. And our addict will continue with the addictive behaviors as long as we continue to enable it, because we as parents send a much stronger message more so than anyone else; For it is our actions that are coupled with the approval that all children seek from their parents. When we do the enabling it is far more devastating to our child’s addiction, because with our enabling comes an endorsement.
However on the other hand, our not-enabling is far more powerful, because no matter how old our kids are they still want us to be proud of them. They still want our approval, and they still do not want to see us disappointed in them. We are their “Number One” in terms of requiring acceptance of their behavior. And just as enabling is sanctioning their addiction, our not-enabling is a condemnation of their addictive behavior. So, we must stop giving approval to their addictive behavior no matter how slight the enabling is or our insignificant it appears to be to us. And we must allow ourselves to come to the end of this co-dependency between our child, and us.
So what do we do at this end? For us parents, I think we must begin to recapture the other parts of our lives that have been on hold for so many years while we were dealing with our kid’s drug addiction. Years ago when my son was in in-patient drug-detox for the first time, my husband and I attended group sessions designed for the parents. We were new at this process and our lives with our son’s drug addiction were just getting started.
The counselor at these sessions was also a parent of a drug addict. In fact, she had a daughter and a son, both heroin addicts. I remember thinking how terrible that it must be for her to have a child that is a heroin addict. That wasn’t my son. He just got involved with the wrong people and I just need to address this problem. Plus, my son would not do anything to jeopardize his hockey. That is his dream, and I will have this all fixed soon.
She also emphasized the importance of the parents retaining a piece of their lives outside of the issues with their child. “We must get a life!” she would say over and over again. At that point in time, I was horrified. How could she expect me to set aside my son for one moment? He deserves my undivided attention until this is solved, until the drugs are behind him. I need to fix my son, restore my family and I will not be selfish enough to be concerned about my life. I will fix this and I will do nothing else until I do!
And I tried, to the exclusion of my marriage, my daughter, my career, my friends, and everything else, until the exclusions included my health. But I could not fix this. And any thought that I could was a denial of the truth and I was living in an illusion. And the more I tried to fix it the more we all sank into the co-dependency of manipulation and enabling.
But I get it now. We did not move forward as a family that included my teenage son, for he is a drug addict and he needed help. So I had to relent to others in his life that knew more than me about addiction, that truly could help him, and I must give him the freedom to accept that responsibility himself. And in order to do that, I must get-a-life.
End of Part 5 - Come back next week for the final part
A brief preview from next week
“So I grabbed for that oxygen, inhaled it till it hurt, I began the climb out of that pit, and I started to rebuild my life that included everyone and everything that I had pushed aside for years. And I found support and strength that allowed me to properly deal with my son’s issues. “
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