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Quote of the Week
"If I cannot do great things, I can do small things in a great way" ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.
Once again, I had the opportunity to ask a room full of teens struggling with drug and alcohol problems to help identify the Three Most Effective Ways that Teens Manipulate. This was a different group; however, what these teens and a few parents came up with was very close to the first results. The top two were exactly the same- but this time there was a tie for third place!
As you may recall, the Top Three that have been previously posted on this blog are (1) Lying, (2) Guilting and (3) Doing Good Temporarily. This time half the teens thought that the Third Most Effective Manipulation was Defiance. The teens were not necessarily referring to the same type of Defiance, but rather there were several types that seemed to fit under this general category. The other half maintained that Doing Good Temporarily was still the Third Most Effective Way to Manipulate.
The several types of Defiance that the teens brought up are as follows:
1. No matter what your parents say, just do what you want. For example, if they tell you to stay in, make sure that you go out. This teaches parents who is in charge. If they can't do anything to stop you, they probably will quit trying to tell you to stay in because it is just a battle that they are going to loose anyway.
2. Let your parents know that if don't get your own way on something important, that you don't know if you'll be able to keep it together. You might just have to flip out- start yelling, throwing things, trashing the house by putting holes in the walls, etc. This over-laps somewhat with the second most effective way to manipulate because as you do this you will let your parents know that it is completely their fault that you are "loosing it."
3. Make threatening statements. This one is similar to #2. Threaten to run away. Threaten to get high. Threaten to break the law if you have to, to get money, when they won't give you any. Threaten violence towards your parents. Threaten to hurt yourself. Threaten that if they insist on not letting you have what you want, you will be the most depressed person in the world- and of course it's all their fault.
Sometimes the threat of violence is direct but often it is implied by the way in which you communicate, e.g., yell, clench your fists, or mutter under your breath so that your parents can hear certain violent words. For example, your parents may hear some of your words but not all of them. It might go something like this: "Blah blah blah f******** blah blah b***** blah blah kill someone blah blah ****-you-up blah blah." This way if you get confronted about what you are saying, you can claim not to have been speaking to your parents or claim not to have meant what they thought you meant. Similarly, if you can keep the threats "implied," then later it is easier to deny that you have actually made threatening statements.
The bottom line is that even though your parents may not want to address what's going on- what's happening is that you know that your parents are afraid of you or are afraid of what you might do, either to them or to yourself. They know they are afraid but they might not want to admit it. That's your ace-in-the-hole because as long as they don't want to admit it, they really can't do much about it. So what can a parent do in the face of defiance? First, pay attention to what is going on. You may need the help of a therapist or other concerned party to help you sort out just how your teenager is using defiance to stay in control.
Once you figure out how your teenager is using this technique the Second Step is to admit it. For example, if your teen refuses to stay home when your ground him, then admit that he is outside of your control. Without this admission, it is impossible to move towards any solution. If your teenager threatens violence whenever you attempt to wake him up in the morning and you are not willing to put yourself in that position, then admit that he is failing at school because he is outside of your control.
The Third Step is to realize that doing nothing is doing something. When you do nothing to address the situation, you passively approve of your teenager remaining outside of your control. You approve of them not attending school. You approve of their continuing drug abuse.
The Fourth Step is to try something different. There is a saying in 12-step that addresses insanity: "Insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results." Or, "If you do what you always did, you get what you always got." For example, you might involve others in the situation. Contact a School Guidance Counselor and disclose that your teenager has been operating outside of your control. Don't keep this a secret. Take a positive action after consulting with school professionals, therapists, probation officers or in some cases, police.
There is more to say on this subject. Stay tuned for more on this post or look for a follow-up post soon. In the meantime please leave a comment if you have had anything similar to this happen to you, and especially if found any solutions.
Parent Survival Skills Training: parents helping parents take back control!
The Top Three Ways Teens Manipulate Parents: Part I.
Approaches To Dealing With Teen Lying: Part II.
Guilting the Parent: Part III.
Doing Good Temporarily- Just to get privileges back- Part-IV
Doing Good Temporarily- Just to get privileges back- Part-IV
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Happy Easter weekend everybody. We'll be back at Wexford on April 24th.
(image from purchased CreataCard software)
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The Bridge to Hope Family Support Group “Vigil of Hope” Wednesday, June 3,2009 at Kearns Spirituality Center
To bring comfort to those families and friends who have lost loved ones to addiction, and to support those who are actively affected by the chaos, anxiety and fear created by this disease, there will be a vigil at 7:00 PM on Wednesday, June 3rd at the Kearns Spirituality Center, 9000 Babcock Boulevard, Allison Park, PA 15101. Drug and alcohol addiction and its associated trauma have touched countless Americans from all walks of life and from all backgrounds. Over the years, families and friends have felt very much alone as they sought ways to remember their loved ones; this year’s VIGIL OF HOPE is designed to bring these individuals together to call attention to the extent and nature of the drug and alcohol epidemic and end the isolation. Sponsored by the Bridge To Hope Family Support Group, in partnership with Passavant Hospital Foundation, this year’s program will feature Mr. Lindsay Hargrove as the keynote speaker. Please visit www.bridge2hope.org for more information.
The parents tha t will be dropping their teens off for the Education Assessment Classes will be invited to attend PSST. We've had several meetings like this lately. Two weeks ago we had four new parents whose teens were being dropped off at the Assessment Classes. We had no "regulars."
While we thought the meeting two weeks ago went off really well, it would be nice to have some veteran PSST members help us out with the new parents.
We are going to meet on the Fourth Floor in a very nice, albeit slightly smaller room. Just follow the signs from where we usually meet on the first floor towards the back elevator-make a left off the elevator and you're there.
If you've never been to our meeting check out the link on the left to google maps.
Special Note: Two weeks ago we had Tom M as a guest speaker. Tom M has an inspirational message that goes along with his six months clean. He has started a whole new life and he may be willing to do a repeat performance for those that missed two weeks ago. We are not sure.
Note: the Education/ Assessment group is by invitation only so don't bring your teens with you on the 17th. Just expect that we will have some new faces in group.
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Click on Flyer to see enlarged image.
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I am a mother in a Middle-America, double income family that consists of my husband of 30 years, my daughter age 27 and my son age 21. I grew up in the inner city where I met my future husband in high school; we married after college and moved to the suburbs to start our family. This is the story of my son's drug addiction that started in his teenage years told in six parts.
I describe the events leading to my realization that I had lost my teenager to drugs and the steps I took to cope with that realization, get my son help, and rebuild my family with our new adult son in drug recovery. I am offering my story to help raise the awareness of the teen drug problem, to help destroy the stereotype of the drug addiction as being an inner city issue, and to share some of the lessons I have learned with the hope that they may benefit you and your family.
“So I grabbed for that oxygen, inhaled it till it hurt, I began the climb out of that pit, and I started to rebuild my life that included everyone and everything that I had pushed aside for years. And I found support and strength that allowed me to properly deal with my son’s issues. “ Part Six (click here for part 5)As parents we all want to fix our child’s drug addiction and we try very hard to do so. In fact I spent years trying to fix it, to the exclusion of my marriage, my daughter, my career, my friends, and everything else around until the exclusions included my health. But I could not fix this. And any thought that I could was a denial of the truth and I was living in an illusion. And the more I tried to fix it the more we all sank into the co-dependency of manipulation and enabling. But I get it now. We did not move forward as a family that included my teenage son, for he is a drug addict and he needed help. So I had to relent to others in his life that knew more than me about addiction, that truly could help him, and I must give him the freedom to accept that responsibility himself. And in order to do that, I must get-a-life.
So I started this end with the steep climb out of this pit that we all sank into. And I grabbed for that oxygen, just like they tell you as the airplane is moving onto the runway, “If air pressure is lost, all parents please place the oxygen mask over your face first before tending to your children.” And I finally understand that statement after hundreds of flights. I used to listen to the attendant giving these instructions and thinking she was crazy. Of course, I would take care of my kid first. I must ensure his survival and not be selfish for my own needs. But I learnt that if the parent doesn’t survive or is not prepared to deal with the child’s issues, neither would survive. And my family certainly had lost air pressure, and we were going down.
So I grabbed for that oxygen, inhaled it till it hurt, I began the climb out of that pit, and I started to rebuild my life that included everyone and everything that I had pushed aside for years. And I found support and strength that allowed me to properly deal with my son’s issues.
And who is there with us at this end? Again, I think who ever we need to be there; family, friends, God. They are all there, but our teenager will not be there. He has finally passed on and we will have finally placed the hope of him in our past. However, our emerging adult child is there with us. And we are there with him. However, we are different now. We understand that they are a drug addict; that they have a disease that is in remission.
And we all must work towards another end of keeping this disease in remission. So our relationship with our child is changing. We are still their parents, but they are adults now. And they are still addicts, and we are their drug abuse counselor first. Every interaction with them must be preceded with the thought process that will determine if our actions will enable this addiction and reactive the disease, or keep it in remission. Will my actions take him more than one day from the streets?
For we must never forget, that we are always their Number-One in either sanctioning the addictive behavior or condemning it. It is only when we have determined, in total honesty to ourselves and without bias, that our actions will not awaken this demon that will always live deep inside of them. It is then we can be their parent. And last, but not least, when we are finished being their parent, given them direction, executing all of those necessary responsibilities that parents have, can we then simply be their mother and father. It is only then that we can open up and allow them to just be our kid; For at that moment they are not a drug addict.
And what is our now adult child doing at this end? Hopefully, they are moving on into recovery, because the last thing we have done for them is to ensure they are placed into an environment where they can learn to cope with society, survive well in the outside world, and teach them to build a fruitful life within drug recovery. And they are surrounded by others who can truly help them.
And we must allow them the freedom to find their way with these new skills that they have learnt and now must practice. And I do mean practice. They are not going to get it right every time. So we still do keep a watchful eye for the danger signs and provide some level of guidance.
However, there comes a point in time that the best we can do is to not-enable and pray that they find their way. If we continue to interfere in their lives and decisions, they will continue to make bad decisions, because we keep saving them from their poor choices. I think this is the only absolute truth we have to hang onto. I do not know any sure-fired way to guarantee that they will never do drugs again or to be sure that they will always be safe. But I do know that if we continue to save them from poor judgment, they will continue with their declivity, downward on their descending slope. As long as we spare them the experience of the full scope of the consequences of their behavior, the longer they will continue the behavior regardless of how destructive it is. This is the power of this demon that summons them into drug use at any given moment.
And as always when we reach an end, there is a new beginning; A new beginning that will look different, feel different, and be very different. We now have our young adult. And he is maturing and growing, and he is finally starting to realize his dreams, and what a joy it will be!! It maybe new dreams, but we will be sharing them with him this time. And these dreams will allow him to grow and become the adult we always knew he could be. And we will all be there together as a family.…….Finally!
So our family is trying to get back to some level of normalcy now. And our home is quiet now and the tension is gone. We are happier than we have been in years and my son’s enjoys us, and we enjoy him. Well, most of the time we enjoy each other. After all he is still just 21, and he still has some growing-up to do, and we still have some parenting to do. But this parenting is the normal stuff, and it feels good! This is another thing that we have missed; Just being a normal parent addressing typical parent / kid stuff.
And I can concentrate on my work better than I have in years. And I now have up-to-date pictures of my son that I can bring to work and actually show my co-workers. That was a long time in coming, too. One such picture, he is standing by the water at South Beach Miami. And with today’s electronics, this picture is on my cell phone and is on my desktop computer at work. And I look at it often during the day with pride that he is doing well, but also in relief that I can see him happy, and he is not high. That too was such a long time in coming! So many times when he was in placement, I knew I was doing the right thing, but it was still difficult to see him so unhappy. Over the past several years, he was unhappy, belligerent, high, sick, etc., etc., and any combination of all of these things and more. Now I can see him happy, healthy, and clean. What a gift!
But even after all these years of dealing with my son's drug addiction, of facing what we must do to help him and doing so. Then seeing him emerge as a recovering addict and realizing how lucky I am that he has made such progress. Even after all this, I still struggle with the waiting for all of these teenage things to happen. These teenage events with my son that I looked forward to, that I planned for; this relationship with my teenager that I so wanted, that I still need; These events that I pondered over and planned for; These events that I counted on, took for granted; But these events will never happen; and this relationship will never be. And I had to accept that in order for me to have the focus to help him and then let him go into a life where he assumes responsibility for his drug recovery. Because that is the only way it will ever work. He must assume responsibility for himself and I must let my teenager go.
So during my workday, I make a point to look at his picture on my computer and deliberately stop and pause for a few moments to remind myself, and eventually convince myself, that this young man is my son, that my little boy is gone, and my teenage son will never be.
But there are times that I gaze upon my son’s picture; I sense the other piece of the mother deep inside of me that does not recognize this young man looking back at her. For her son is still 9 years old, and they have so much to look forward to. Surely he will do well in high school. He is a straight A student and he consistently gets accolades from all of his teachers. While maybe not his music teacher, since he can't sing on pitch, but he stills does fine for his limited musical ability. And he is always a well-mannered little boy in all of his classes. Also, he surely will be involved in school committees and play varsity hockey, because he is such a good player; One of the best and he continues to work hard at his practice drills. She has never seen such a young child have such focus and drive, so maybe he can get a hockey scholarship somewhere. But regardless of all the possibilities that will be and maybe not be, he will surely do well and have many opportunities. Also there will still be many chances to watch him play hockey, attend school events, plan parties and banquets, meet his friends, their parents, etc., etc., etc. There are so many good times left for her and her son.
So she grabs him … Swallows him into her arms .... While she still waits.
(This is the final entry of a six part series - our thanks to Lori for sharing her struggles with us in an effort to help us with our own)
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I am a mother in a Middle-America, double income family that consists of my husband of 30 years, my daughter age 27 and my son age 21. I grew up in the inner city where I met my future husband in high school; we married after college and moved to the suburbs to start our family. This is the story of my son's drug addiction that started in his teenage years told in six parts.
I describe the events leading to my realization that I had lost my teenager to drugs and the steps I took to cope with that realization, get my son help, and rebuild my family with our new adult son in drug recovery. I am offering my story to help raise the awareness of the teen drug problem, to help destroy the stereotype of the drug addiction as being an inner city issue, and to share some of the lessons I have learned with the hope that they may benefit you and your family.
“And I tried, to the exclusion of my marriage, my daughter, my career, my friends, and everything else around until the exclusions included my health. But I could not fix this. … And the more I tried to fix it the more we all sank into the co-dependency of manipulation and enabling. “ When my son was completing his stay at the halfway house and he was planning his future, we discussed ways in which I could help him. However he said, “I cannot take help, Mom. I must be one day from the streets to stay clean.” I was amazed at his foresight and further amazed that he refused any financial help. And now when we discuss any ‘help’ that I may give him, I make sure that I do not interfere with this balance. Even though he and I have never discussed that moment again or his words, I force myself into that memory and replay it over and over again. I picture myself in his room, me sitting in the chair and him sitting on his bed and saying, “I must be one day from the streets to stay clean.” He got it. Now, I must remember it forever.
So, as we parents come to an end, so must there be an end to our child being a child. And we come to the end of supervising their treatment. We have taken care of them to the best of our ability. We have gotten them help, paid for counselors, worked the authorities to get them into placement, been there for them when they needed us, and we have been there for them even when they didn’t need us, certainly when they didn’t want us. They have proceeded through these years of therapy and placement, and they are growing older and learning. Our teenager is gone. It is time to allow the adult to emerge.
However, it is very difficult to determine what action we should continue to take as parents as our emerging adult moves forward into drug recovery. We will still be a part of their lives and still see them struggle from time to time. Unfortunately there is no absolute truth to what will work when dealing with an addict. There is no well-defined path to success. There isn’t even a path that is obvious, even if it isn’t a sure success. And there is no guarantee that there will not be dire consequences to whatever actions or inactions that we decide to take or not to take.
However, we do know what actions enable our child to continue to be an active addict. By the time your child is ending his teen years, you know all about enabling, because we parents have been on the front lines of our addict’s enabling. And we continue to be there. We will always be there. And our addict will continue with the addictive behaviors as long as we continue to enable it, because we as parents send a much stronger message more so than anyone else; For it is our actions that are coupled with the approval that all children seek from their parents. When we do the enabling it is far more devastating to our child’s addiction, because with our enabling comes an endorsement.
However on the other hand, our not-enabling is far more powerful, because no matter how old our kids are they still want us to be proud of them. They still want our approval, and they still do not want to see us disappointed in them. We are their “Number One” in terms of requiring acceptance of their behavior. And just as enabling is sanctioning their addiction, our not-enabling is a condemnation of their addictive behavior. So, we must stop giving approval to their addictive behavior no matter how slight the enabling is or our insignificant it appears to be to us. And we must allow ourselves to come to the end of this co-dependency between our child, and us.
So what do we do at this end? For us parents, I think we must begin to recapture the other parts of our lives that have been on hold for so many years while we were dealing with our kid’s drug addiction. Years ago when my son was in in-patient drug-detox for the first time, my husband and I attended group sessions designed for the parents. We were new at this process and our lives with our son’s drug addiction were just getting started.
The counselor at these sessions was also a parent of a drug addict. In fact, she had a daughter and a son, both heroin addicts. I remember thinking how terrible that it must be for her to have a child that is a heroin addict. That wasn’t my son. He just got involved with the wrong people and I just need to address this problem. Plus, my son would not do anything to jeopardize his hockey. That is his dream, and I will have this all fixed soon.
She also emphasized the importance of the parents retaining a piece of their lives outside of the issues with their child. “We must get a life!” she would say over and over again. At that point in time, I was horrified. How could she expect me to set aside my son for one moment? He deserves my undivided attention until this is solved, until the drugs are behind him. I need to fix my son, restore my family and I will not be selfish enough to be concerned about my life. I will fix this and I will do nothing else until I do!
And I tried, to the exclusion of my marriage, my daughter, my career, my friends, and everything else, until the exclusions included my health. But I could not fix this. And any thought that I could was a denial of the truth and I was living in an illusion. And the more I tried to fix it the more we all sank into the co-dependency of manipulation and enabling.
But I get it now. We did not move forward as a family that included my teenage son, for he is a drug addict and he needed help. So I had to relent to others in his life that knew more than me about addiction, that truly could help him, and I must give him the freedom to accept that responsibility himself. And in order to do that, I must get-a-life.
End of Part 5 - Come back next week for the final part
A brief preview from next week
“So I grabbed for that oxygen, inhaled it till it hurt, I began the climb out of that pit, and I started to rebuild my life that included everyone and everything that I had pushed aside for years. And I found support and strength that allowed me to properly deal with my son’s issues. “
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When I ask you to listen to me,
and you start giving me advice,
you have not done what I asked.
When I ask that you listen to me,
and you begin to tell me why I shouldn't feel that way,
you are trampling on my feelings.
When I ask you listen to me,
and you feel you have to do something to solve my problems,
you have failed me, strange as that may seem.
Listen:
All that I ask is that you listen,
not talk or do- just hear me.
When you do something for me,
that I need to do for myself,
you contribute to my feelings of inadequacy.
But when you accept as a simple fact that
that I do feel what I feel, no matter how irrational,
then I can quit trying to convince you
and go about the business of understanding what's behind my feelings.
So please listen and just hear me,
and if you want to talk,
wait a minute for your turn- and I'll listen to you.
(If anyone knows who the author is, post a comment- thanks)
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Consistency is the key to waking up teenager in the morning. Yes, we all feel that teens should take the responsibility to wake themselves up. In a perfect world. However, there are teens who would fail at this task; however, once woke up many of these will attend school and succeed. The following routine is designed to eventually help the teen wake up on his own or with a simple alarm.
More powerful than rewards or reinforcements is this: if you have the power to get your teen's behavior where you want it, just do that. If you want them to do the dishes turn off the TV that they are watching and insist that they do it now. If they violate curfew and if you know where they are, go and get them. Likewise, if your teen needs to be out of the house by 6:30 AM, then play loud music or loud annoying sounds at 6:00 AM. Give any other warnings you feel necessary. By 6:15 apply the stimulus. The stimulus should be something that causes your teen to wake up and rise out of bed. You decide what the stimulus should be. You know best what will wake him up.
Be consistent with your plan. Start the music at 6:00 AM. Deliver the stimulus at 6:15. Do not waiver unless you plan to improve. Don't improve it every day, just when it seems needed.
What stimulus will work best? Only you know the answer to that and you may have to try a few things first to see what works best. However, be certain that you have something that will wake up your teen. This may vary from a hand assisting the teen out of bed, ripping off bed clothes, to delivering a small amount of water on his face. If your teen is a very heavy sleeper, you may need to resort to the latter one. No one likes to use water to wake a teen up; however, watching your heavy sleeping teen miss school and fail is not easy to do either.
High Risk Situations: Some teens wake up nasty. They may make threats or use other intimidating behaviors. The fear that generates buys them extra sleep time. Only you can judge the real risk factor. Ask yourself these questions when assessing the risk factors.
1. Has your teen hurt you in the past at any time at all? Have they struck you? Have they thrown things at you? If so, then you are at high risk and you may need to bring in help before you apply an effective stimulus like applying water.
2. Has you teen made specific threats to you about how they plan to hurt you? If so, your situation may be considered high risk and you may need support from professionals or family members before you attempt to wake them up with a stimulus as powerful as water.
Even if your situation is high risk it may be to your benefit to bring in support people and apply water, that is, if all other stimuli have failed or if you judge other stimuli to be pointless. If you bring in support people it is important that a parent applies the water when possible. Even if you can't do it the first time make sure that with support you are soon the person to use the stimuli to wake your child up. Gradually, you should be able to wake up your child by yourself without support people present. If, however, even without help you continue to be to afraid to wake up your teenager, then you have a different situation to consider. At this point, you are afraid of someone who lives in your house. You do not feel safe. Your ability to supervise this teenager is compromised. Perhaps, for safety's sake, there is a better place for your teenager to live.
The following is a standard wake up reminder protocol that a parent can use to guide the morning wake up. If you follow your protocol daily it should help provide consistency.
1. Have a time that you start the first stimulus, usually music or noise from an alarm clock or from some other source. The first stimulus could simply be a verbal warning from a parent. If your teen has a computer in his room you can try this naked alarm for an annoyingly loud alarm clock. It is free. I like the bugle music. You may share this with your teen and ask him which music will wake him up the best. Do this the same time every morning.
2. Go in five, ten, or 15 minutes later (make it the same every morning) and apply the second stimulus. This should be different from the first stimulus. Choose the second stimulus with your teen in mind. What will work? Is it a hand guiding them out of bed? Is it stripping off the bed clothes? Is it applying a bit of water to the face? Keep in mind that teens may wake up angry. If your teen has a history of violence then consult with a counselor or probation officer before you attempt the water and read the High Risk section above. The nice thing about the water is that you usually don't have to keep repeating it because it is the most effective wake-up. Don't use it if you can find another successful method. Apply the second stimulus the same time every morning.
TIP on implementing Step TWO: This is the application of the second stimulus. This is not the time to start a conversation. You are trying to get the teen, even though he may be asleep, to condition himself to wake up to the first stimulus in order to avoid the second stimulus. If you go in to chat at this point, this may interfere with the second application and you may be annoying your teen even more than if you just poured a small glass of water on his face or head. If you go in chatting when it's time to apply the second stimulus then you are conditioning your teen to wake up to the chatting not to the music or whatever you chose to be the first stimulus. We want your teen to eventually be able to wake up to the first stimulus (because on some level he knows the second stimulus is on the way) even when you are not there. Don't get in the way by trying a last ditch effort before applying second stimulus because he learns that he doesn't have to get up until the last ditch effort.
If your teen wakes up but refuses to get dressed and go to school, then this is a different problem. We will consider this in another post. Sometimes however, your teen wishes to lay back down in bed and try to return to blissful sleep. He may find another place in the house in which to sleep. Using more water may make it unlikely that he will choose his own bed as a safe place to continue to sleep. The beautiful thing about the water application is that if it is applied correctly, to the head and face, it is not likely that he will return to sleep. He may still refuse to go to school but at least he will be up and awake. Once awake do not allow him to return to sleeping because he will have his days and nights mixed up, causing this problem to become a vicious cycle.
1. First stimulus is ____________. Time to apply first stimulus ____________.
2. Second stimulus is ___________. Time to apply second stimulus __________.
3. Repeat Second stimulus at _____. Time to Repeat Second stimulus _________.
The repeat of second stimulus may be necessary for a teen who is awake but refuses to get out of bed. It may be necessary for a teen who tries to find another place in the house to sleep.
To read role-play on waking teen up click here.
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Sorry. Do to a situation beyond our control we must cancell this meeting. We will be back at this location on 3-14-09. We will meet at the Eastern Probation Office on 3-7-09.
If you were needing a meeting give Lloyd a call instead. 412-861-6757. It's not the same but for this weekend it's all we got!
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I am a mother in a Middle-America, double income family that consists of my husband of 30 years, my daughter age 27 and my son age 21. I grew up in the inner city where I met my future husband in high school; we married after college and moved to the suburbs to start our family. This is the story of my son's drug addiction that started in his teenage years told in six parts.
I describe the events leading to my realization that I had lost my teenager to drugs and the steps I took to cope with that realization, get my son help, and rebuild my family with our new adult son in drug recovery. I am offering my story to help raise the awareness of the teen drug problem, to help destroy the stereotype of the drug addiction as being an inner city issue, and to share some of the lessons I have learned with the hope that they may benefit you and your family.
“My so-called guidance that I inflicted upon my son was really enabling his addiction, because I was there to save him from the harsh reality of recovery. I didn’t understand that the road into and through recovery is brutal. … and most of all; I didn’t want to believe that it had to be me that brought this bottom (of the road) to him. “ As parents we still hope for that relationship with our teenager and we continue to try to force it to happen. However, we come to a point where we realize that it will never be. So as parents, we eventually come to the end. The end of hoping that we can salvage our child’s teen years; The end of hoping that there is a chance that we can still be their parent as they are a teenager. There comes an end to the chance of having a relationship with our teenage child. Regardless of how much we need our teenager, they will never be. And the longer we hang onto our teenager, the longer we trap them and ourselves into an existence of co-dependency and manipulation. In many ways dealing with the loss of our relationship with our teenager is like dealing with a death. We must take the time to mourn this, so that we can move on and allow our teenager to move on. And we must look for our own inspiration so that we can to continue to support our now emerging adult child. There are many sources of strength and support, including God, support groups, other parents, etc. I often find that lyrics in music provide surprising wisdom. There is a song by Martina McBride called, “In My Daughter’s Eyes”, and piece of it is as follows: Everything becomes a little clearer
I realize what life is all about
It's hangin' on when your heart
has had enough
It's giving more when you feel like giving up
And this is kinda what we do. We keep hanging in there for the sake of our drug-addicted kid. We do realize that it is not about us. It is about us supporting them. It is about us doing what is necessary for the benefit of our child’s recovery, regardless of our needs. It is about us allowing our teenager to proceed into recovery so that they can begin a new life, where they can start to realize new dreams
And our teenager is struggling with what they have lost. Our teenager must come to terms with this, for they have lost their teen years and all the events of those years. Our child gave them to drugs. And this really does hurt them more than it hurts us. So we must hang in there when our heart has had enough.
We must also trust that our drug-addicted teenager will emerge as an adult in drug recovery when we feel like giving up all hope. We must trust in something, in order to let go of our teenager, so they can let go of their teen years; To begin to come to terms with what they have lost, and begin to heal; to gain strength; to move into adulthood and into drug recovery.
Now we must look to the future and support our children in their recovery. I am convinced that true recovery does not start until they assume responsibility for it themselves. And we as their parents must allow them the freedom to accept this responsibility. We must give them the freedom that they need to pull themselves up from the ashes of their teen years and move forward as an adult
However, this is just too hard. We still want to be there for them, to give them guidance and direct their recovery. But the reality is, we need this more for ourselves, than any other reality that we are truly effective in guiding their recovery.
There have been many times when I did not understand the actions of my son’s counselors when he was in placement, and I felt the need to intervene. Surely these people do not know what they are doing! However, I always stopped myself and asked the question, “Whatever I did, Did it ever work?” And regardless of how much I want to believe that I really did know what was best for my son, the answer to this question was always a resonating, “No!”
Since he started his drug use at the age of 13 until he was forced into placement by the courts at 17; what I was doing was not working. In fact, it helped the addiction process to continue. And if I feel guilty about anything today, it is the length of time it took for me to realize that I was not effective in dealing with my son’s addiction. And the longer I believed that I was, the further he sank into this pit of heroin. Maybe if I acted sooner, maybe if I didn’t wait so long, maybe if I had listened earlier, maybe his addiction would not have developed as deep as it did.
That is a regret that haunts me every day. My so-called guidance that I inflicted upon my son was really enabling his addiction, because I was there to save him from the harsh reality of recovery. I didn’t understand that the road into and through recovery is brutal. Nor did I understand how necessary it is for an addict to walk this road into order to reach the other side. And I certainly didn’t understand the actions that were necessary to force him to the bottom of this road, and most of all; I didn’t want to believe that it had to be me that brought this bottom to him. I ran from that responsibility for years; shifted it to others, while I continued to believe that he would ‘see-the-light’ and calmly accept recovery. But these demons of addiction that occupy our children; These demons never seek recovery. And as long as we appease them, these demons will continue to stay and play.
So we are not wiser than our children’s drug counselors, or wiser than the recovering addicts in NA. We are not wiser than all the experts that are addressing our child’s drug issues. They can help our children more than we can.
So, we must accept the fact that there will always be a piece of our child’s life where we do not fit, because we are not a drug addict and we will never understand that piece of their lives. We must let go and allow them to move on. We must allow them the space to be able to assume responsibility for their own recovery and allow them to seek advice of others, and it may not be us. And even more so, we may not be involved and we may never know.
End of Part 4 - Come Back Next week for Part 5
A brief preview from next week:
“And I tried, to the exclusion of my marriage, my daughter, my career, my friends, and everything else around until the exclusions included my health. But I could not fix this. … And the more I tried to fix it the more we all sank into the co-dependency of manipulation and enabling. “
Read More......
Is it possible for the Parent to benefit from the power that the PO has? Can the parent actually become more powerful by allying themselves with the PO? It may sound like a harebrained question at first, but to become more powerful as a parent keep the following tenets in mind:
1. Keep no secrets with your teen regarding his success following his Conditions of Probation. Sometimes it seems like the right thing to say, "if you do that again, I'm telling your Probation Officer." However, this implies that you will keep some things secret. Secrets keep us sick.
When your teen accuses you like this: "I tired of you threatening me with my PO!" reply "I talk to your PO all the time! Do you expect me to keep things secret from him? I won't do that. I am not here to keep secrets for you."
2. Have frequent and regular contacts with your teen's Probation Officer and /or attend Parent Survival Skills Training regularly, which is sponsored by Juvenile Probation. Make sure your teen knows that you have regular contact with Probation.
3. Play an active role in your teen's hearings. It is good for your teen to see that you stand up in Court, tell the truth, and if appropriate ask that the Court hold your teen accountable.
4. Take an active role in disciplining your teen. Don't leave it up to the Probation Department unless it is a very serious infraction and the consequences are automatic. Take the lead. Hold your teen accountable without the PO's help when possible, but always report openly to the PO about what has occurred. Suggest discipline (such as a week-end in the sanction unit) that you think will work and don't be afraid to ask the PO to be stricter than he planned to be. If your teen sees that you are using the Probation Officer as a tool he will glimpse that you are the agent of power, and the power will flow from the PO to you. On the other hand, taking a passive role in discipline insures that only the PO will receive the power and not the parent. Practice phrases such as, "I spoke with your PO, and he agrees with me that we need to blah blah blah."
As we say in group: If you want the power take the blame: if you take the blame you get the credit.
In other words, be the bad guy. Don't try to make the PO out to be the bad guy and you have no influence. You do have influence, that is to say that you do have power. Don't deny that you have power.
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As I mentioned in Part-One and in Part-Two the role-plays we did in group were designed to heighten awareness. Therefore, when I played each teenager I was not trying to say what I thought they might say. I was trying to say what I thought the Teen would say if he were being brutally honest. The next one is an 17 year-old teen in placement. Actually, in this role-play, the teen might say a lot of this to the Mom. It fits the description of "brutally honest" but in this case, she might say a lot of it openly to her mother and not just be thinking it.
Teen: Mom, you can fool all of these people but you don't fool me.
Mom: Oh.
Teen: You act so different now that you're trying to impress my PO and the staff here, but I know you; you're just faking.
Mom: I'm trying to change.
Teen: You won't change. When I finally get home, you'll see- you won't act all perfect parent when it's just you and me- and for that matter, why don't you just stop fronting right now? You'll never change and you know it.
Mom: Things are going to be different when...
Teen: [Interrupting] Oh sure, sure, you'll be this super-tough bitch when I get home? Ha ha. You couldn't control me before and you won't be able to control me later either. And all this stuff you're learning in your "group"? Oh please, don't make me sick- I know you're going to be just every bit as easy for me to manipulate as ever- you know why?
Mom: Why is that?
Teen: I'm smarter than you. Way smarter than you and you know it. Mom: We'll see.
Teen: Oh don't worry Mom, I still love you, ridiculous as you are trying to impress my PO with how tuff-love you are. Just do me a favor OK?
Mom: What?
Teen: I get it that you have to pretend to be this other parent when my PO and my counselor are around, but when it's just you and me? Please let's don't pretend. Just be yourself. There's nothing wrong with just being yourself.
Mom: I'm trying to change!
Teen: YOU don't have to change. I have to change and I am. There's nothing wrong with you. You talk to much maybe, but they want you to think that it's your fault I'm an addict. It's not your fault- you are alright as a Mom; you love me and you try to help me- you know, you bring me stuff that I need in here. Stuff that I can't get for myself. And I like that. I love you for looking out for me. I depend on you Mom. I need you to be yourself. Please! Be the Mom I need and love, not the stupid fake Mom they want you to be. They're trying to brainwash you! Hello! I can see right through their little plans. They aren't so smart. You should be able to see right though them too.
Of course it's one thing to heighten awareness but what should a parent follow-up with? Well the first business order is to admit the truth, if any, of what your teen is saying. Second, similarly but somewhat different, is to accept that your teen actually believes the things he is saying, even when it is not the truth.
The tendency for denial is strong in parenting in general (Not my child!) and especially strong when Chemical Dependency strikes a family. Even though we may no longer deny that our child has a problem we may continue to deny the extent of the changes that this disease has caused in our teenager. So, the first order of business is just to take a couple of deep breaths and admit that your situation is formidable, not hopeless by a long shot, but formidable.
Next, it's time for some verbal Jujitsu.
Jujutsu (柔術, jūjutsu?)  listen (help·info), literally meaning the "art of softness", or "way of yielding" is a collective name for Japanese martial art styles including unarmed and armed techniques. Jujutsu evolved among the samurai of feudal Japan as a method for defeating an armed and armored opponent without weapons. Due to the ineffectiveness of striking against an armored opponent, the most efficient methods for neutralizing an enemy took the form of pins, joint locks, and throws. These techniques were developed around the principle of using an attacker's energy against him, rather than directly opposing it.
For example, in the last case scenario with the 17 year-old girl in placement. The mother does not have to be defensive. There is much to agree with the girl about. In fact, what the girl is saying is this: "I see that you are changing, it's hard to change, don't change, you can't change."
Mom: You know, you are right about a lot of this.
Teen: I know I'm right. You bet your ass I'm right, Mom how many other times have you tried to change who you are?
Mom: Yes, and it is very hard to change.
Teen: You can't. You really just want them to think you're this great parent.
Mom: Yes, I need their support. Your Probation Officer and your counselor are helping me.
Teen: Some help! With help from them we don't need enemies.
Mom: Another thing you said is important too. It's one thing for me to try to change while you're in here, but it's going to be my biggest challenge to not go back to my enabling role with you once you're released from here. I'm going to need a lot of help.
Teen: Stop talking that way. I told you! Your just a fake! That's not really who you are.
Mom: Yes, as I go through this, sometimes it feels like I'm a fake.
Teen: Well stop it.
Mom: When you first make changes, it doesn't feel real at first. Like I said, change is hard.
Teen: Just stop being a fake. I like the way you were before.
Mom: Well, yes, I'm sure you liked me before and nothing has changed about how much I love you. That part will never change.
Teen: I love you too Mom. It's so hard for me in here.
Mom: Oh honey, it's hard for me to see you in here.
Teen: Get me out of here! I've learned my lesson.
Mom: I know you've learned a lot already.
Teen: Then do it.
Mom: No
Teen: Oh you make me so mad.
Mom: Yes, I know I make you mad. And as I learn how not to enable you, you're going to be feeling that.
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The National Youth Anti-Drug Media Campaign has some excellent articles for parents. These are free for the download or you can order articles, posters, etc to be sent to you for free. Click here to see available resources. You have to really click around to appreciate all the various articles available. One that I particularly liked is "Online Exposure: Teens at Risk and Parents Disconnected." This is an E-guide for parents featuring Everything you need to know about social networking, net lingo, and viral video to better understand your teen's online habits. For example, I did not know that the following are lingo that teens use on line: Lingo to Warn of Parent Monitoring
POS Parent Over Shoulder PIR Parent In Room P911 Parent Alert PAW Parents Are Watching PAL Parents Are Listening Top 50 Internet Acronyms Parents should know
You can also use their search function at the top of the website to look up specific drugs or specific words that interest you.
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