Detaching with Love Posted by:Jenn--Monday, August 11, 2014

So far we are experiencing the ups and downs of Pebbles’ and Dina's attempts with sobriety and 12 step programs. They recently decided to live together with Dina's boyfriend, which we strongly advised against. The results were quickly disastrous and the attempts to pull us in were a struggle to avoid. They are both adults now, although even at age 20, Pebbles is only an adult in legal terms.  Dina's maturity has been curtailed from years of drug abuse so that even at 31, she is just a young teen at best.

We have told them so often how smart they are and how skillful they can be, so we feel we need to give them the dignity to use their skills to work this out, and use the resources available to get through this explosion that has recently occurred. As two addicts who think they can live with 12 step, picking and choosing what they want to use, and with strong emotional ties with each other, their lives have become a head-on collision.

 

It is so difficult not to run to the scene and pick up the wounded, then take them home to nurse them back to health. But we have done this so many times, only for them to regain their strength and then walk out to begin their dangerous lifestyles again. It is so difficult to know that if nothing changes, change does not occur. So it begins with us to be the change and let them work this out. Having your two children fighting each other is more heartbreaking then when they have their own separate issues; but it is what it is. We just hope we all learn a lesson from this.

We are trying to use our PSST phrases to reply to them when they call to report what the other is up to and to generally complain about each other. We always dreamed of a loving family with sisters that are close and supportive. But right now their addiction is controlling their thoughts and behaviors, and we have to allow this to run its course. We are powerless over what their relationship is and will be. They are angry that we are not getting involved and picking sides. They feel we are being unfair.

Having supportive meetings to go to where there are parents dealing with similar issues, along with the PSST blog, keeps me from isolating and falling into a deep depression. Learning to find other interests to keep me busy does not mean that I have abandoned my daughters, but allows them to live their lives as I live mine.

When I first attended meetings, I was asked what I did for fun. I hated that question. I wasn't having any fun. I was feeling obligated to be in the trenches with my daughters. Slowly I have tried several hobbies and interests until I found what worked for me. After being laid off and having too much time on my hands, I have found a part time job where training took up a lot of my focus.  I have friends through PSST and other groups to share good times at art festivals, movies and baseball games.

The girls survived without my constant focus and I think it is better for all of us that I take better care of myself. Maybe by example they too will do the same, in their own time.

Betty