The Power of Affirmation Posted by:Jenn--Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Most people appreciate positive feedback.  They want to know that they are special in some way, that someone recognizes their strengths, and that they are appreciated for who they are and what they do.  But as parents of difficult teens, we may struggle with how to compliment our kids.  Why is that?  Several reasons come to mind:

• We can’t find anything positive in what they say or do.

• We are afraid of falsely encouraging them.

• We are concerned that we will give them too much power.

• We think they won’t believe us anyway.

With some creative thinking, you CAN give your teen positive, honest affirmation without losing any personal power.  Try some of Lloyd's Best Affirmations on for size, and see if they work for you.  Your teen may not be willing to show his/her appreciation for what you’ve said, but you might be surprised to find out that he/she is secretly pleased.  (By the way, these ideas can work when interacting with adults too.)

• “What you did took a lot of guts.  You are really brave!”

• “You are really loyal to your friends.”

• “You have always been so good at reading me.”  Which might be followed by a comment such as “You’re right, I would never let you drive the family car if you are still smoking weed.”

• “You are SO creative.  I can always count on you to have a lot of ideas on just about any topic.”  If your teen is adopted, you can add, “You probably get that from your birth mom/dad, because I/we (the adoptive parents) just aren’t that creative.”

• “I am impressed!  You really handled your disappointment in an adult way.”

• “You never mince words.  I always know where I stand with you.”

•  “Good question!  You always have such great questions.  I wish I had such great answers.”

• “You know, you really surprised me!”

• "You’re not a wishy washy person.  You mostly know exactly what you think you should do, and boy, once your mind is made up, you stick to it no matter what ANYbody says!”

• “You stick to your principles!  Even though there might sometimes be serious consequences, if you think you’re right, you follow through.”

• “And then I notice that when you get consequences for your decisions, you accept it like a man.  You don't complain and blame other people.”

• “You have a good heart.  If someone needs help, or even if someone needs protecting, you're there for them!”

• “Basically, people who don't know you might not notice, but underneath your hard exterior, you’re a really good dude!”

• “You know me so well.  I think you know what I'm going to say before I even say it (kid will agree 99% immediately).  That's why I don't need to keep repeating myself as much as I do (another big agreement), so if you catch me being redundant, let me know, OK?”

o   When your teen stops you and calls you on your redundancy, ask him to finish what you were going to say. 

o   If he/she is at all close, affirm again with "That's excellent!  You are so right.  That's the main point, and I think my other point about (blah blah) wasn't as important as what you got out of that!” 

 o   Alternatively, “You cut right to the heart if what I was saying, but I like the way you said it better!”

• “You have a great sense of fair play!  If you feel something’s not fair, it really bothers you.  I've noticed not only when you think you’re not being treated fairly, but when you think someone else is getting a raw deal, you try to fix it if you can!"

o   Used when your teen is stuck on the "it ain't fair" game.

o   When he/she persists, it opens up talking points about "You're right, life isn't fair" or "You're right, I'm not trying to be fair.  I'm trying to keep you safe, and I'll do just about anything to keep you safe!" 

• “You hide it sometimes, but you have a very sensitive side and things people say can bother you.  I think it’s the creative artist in you, because I've read that artistic people are sometimes very sensitive.” 

o   This might lead your teen into saying, "Yeah, that's why when dad said I was lazy, it really bothered me.  I mean yeah, I didn't clean up my room for three weeks, but I was doing other stuff.  It wasn't 'cause I was lazy!"

o   In this case, you can agree that name-calling hurts.

If you want to explore the use of affirmations further, and read some sample conversations that you might have with your teen, see Lloyd's November 2012 post at  http://nevertheless-psst.blogspot.com/2012/11/so-your-bike-is-bit-rusty-you-think-it.html