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Quote of the Week
"If I cannot do great things, I can do small things in a great way" ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.
I Am Not An Addict, Just an Acronym of One – by Roxie
My son, Lenny, has been out of juvenile placement now for almost three
months, and will be graduating from high school May 29th. The other day, he
nonchalantly asked me, “Did you ever think I would be out this long without
getting into trouble?” The question caught me off guard. I answered, “Are you
kidding? You’ve really surprised me, and are doing a great job!” In my heart of
hearts, I hardly expected Lenny to be having a conversation with me without calling
a caring counselor or the local D.A.R.E. police officer. The officer became a
friend of our family years ago when Lenny’s drug exploits began.
Even though Lenny is forever faithful in attending the Narcotics
Anonymous 12-step meetings, he cannot get past Step One: We admitted that we
were powerless over our addiction, that our lives had become unmanageable.
Let me break down what Step One means in Lenny’s language. “I ain’t got
no addiction, except to the lifestyle and the mirror. I’m a good-lookin’
guy and am not an addict. I can control it. I can use alcohol when I get legal.
I’m only staying clean right now because of probation, and I’ll be off in June.
I’ll be able to drink beer during the football game like everyone else. It
ain’t no big thing, cuz! It’ll be ahhh-ite.”
Lenny’s thinking errors regarding his addiction, or lack thereof, has not
changed for several years. Although he is clean and sober, he reminds me of a
precious vase; gentle, fragile, and will shatter if handled too frequently. I
deliberately overlook the little things, lest Lenny break. I experience mental
anguish in knowing that hundreds of counseling hours have been poured into an
impressionable vessel that appears to be flawed; Narcotics Anonymous 12-Step
knowledge oozing out of cracks and crevices that were not visible to Roxie’s
untrained eye.
With involvement in a parent group and solid advice from D&A experts,
I’ve learned to see right through Lenny without my rose-colored glasses; adding
a pretty-as-pinkish glow to an otherwise colorless situation. If he does not
admit and accept his complex disease of addiction, the consequences are more
institutions, numerous stints in jail, or even death. It is devastating to hear
Lenny state, “I am not an addict” when his genetic predisposition could cause
him to be an ideal candidate for a German-Jewish European descent /
African-American / American Indian alcohol component recessive gene-pattern
study based on physiology, not environment!
I long to change Lenny’s thinking, but can’t. For my own sanity, I have
created an acronym to help me, and perhaps other parents, accept our children’s
denial that they are not addicts:
Although Drug
Dependent, I’m Clean Today.
For now, using the acronym makes it easier for me to accept Lenny’s disease
of addiction by putting a positive spin on an otherwise negative word.
My Lenny, I will modestly maintain, is an addict.
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Celebration:
Regardless of how many mistakes your child has made (& continues to make), it's important to recognize and celebrate the successes!
Thanks:
A simple thank you can really brighten someone’s day! If someone has provided you with exemplary
service, you might want to consider an old-fashioned thank you note, as Wilma
did below.
This
is a letter I sent to the Director of the youth half-way house where my son,
Bam Bam, lived from October 2012 to April 2013.
I have used pseudonyms for all parties.
He was the first resident to successfully complete the program since
June 2012!!
My son, Bam Bam Flintstone, recently, SUCCESSFULLY, completed the program
at Bedrock’s Youth house. This was an amazing accomplishment for Bam. During
his stay he had many struggles and there were times I wasn't sure if he was
going to make it.
His therapist was Penny Proud.
Penny is a wonderful, knowledgeable therapist, and her no-nonsense
approach, compassion and warmth were instrumental to Bam’s success. I got to know Penny as we had many family
therapy sessions. She was always
available whenever I had questions and concerns. I liked and appreciated her
directness when discussing the various issues we explored in our sessions and
she was always respectful and compassionate.
I could also see that she and Bam had good rapport. He was comfortable approaching Penny whenever
he felt he needed to discuss something and I am so grateful for that.
My husband, Fred, and I were present at Bam's quartz stone
ceremony. Penny spoke and we were very
moved with her kind and encouraging words.
We also were impressed and touched with the comments each boy made to
Bam as they went around the circle. We
discovered that the kind and loving boy that we had seen very little of in the
last three years was still inside Bam. And
we are thankful to Penny for being instrumental in bringing him back. He still has work to do. However, with Penny's help he has tools and techniques
to help him with this next stage of his journey.
Penny is a valuable asset to your team and our family has been fortunate
to have the opportunity to work with her.
Thank you.
Wilma Flintstone
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SPECIAL COMMENT:
"Wow did this letter bring back painful memories...almost 6 years ago that I wrote this....Lloyd you posted it on Mothers Day and I can remember spending a mothers day with you at Schumann and you talking to my son and drug testing him. Then you gave me a mothers day gift...some free drug tests for at home. Which we did use and now all these years later I am happy to say my son came over on mothers day with a beautiful card and mulched our entire yard in the cold and rain/hail. I know it wouldn't be like this if not for all your,Kathies' and PSST help. For that I am truly grateful! Never give up or lose HOPE... Debby
May 14, 2013 at 8:43:00 PM EST"
This letter was read to one of our Juvenile Court Judges recently by a PSST mother. We also borrowed this scenario at a PSST meeting for a courtroom role-play. Much thanks to the brave parents who granted permission for this letter to be posted. Both parents were present and gave testimony at the hearing.
Apparently, the hearing took quite a while for the Judge to sort out and the teenager's Public Defender argued for a less restrictive disposition. However, the Judge in the case ordered inpatient treatment and he directly confronted the teenager about the seriousness of his drug problem. Below is the actual letter. Only the teenager's name has been changed and the name of a drug treatment program has been deleted.
YOUR HONOR, TODAY I SPEAK AS A CONCERNED LOVING PARENT, NOT A DRUG AND ALCOHOL PROFESSIONAL. AS I PERCEIVE THE SITUATION THERE ARE TWO JARRED’S IN THIS COURTROOM-THE JARRED BEFORE DRUGS AND THE JARRED THAT HAS BECOME A CHRONIC MARIJUANA USER.
THE JARRED BEFORE DRUGS WAS AN A-B STUDENT, PLAYED SPORTS, WAS TRUSTWORTHY, INTERACTED WITH OUR FAMILY AND MADE US LAUGH. ONCE THE CHEMICAL TOOK HOLD OF JARRED-WE SEE A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT CHILD. ONE WHO BEGINS TO FAIL SCHOOL, ONE WHO REQUIRES APPROXIMATELY 45 MINUTES TO BE AWAKENED IN THE MORNING THAT LEADS TO JARRED YELLING AND SCREAMING, KICKING AND FIGHTING WITH US. WE NOW RECEIVE NUMEROUS PHONE CALLS AND LETTERS FROM THE SCHOOL INFORMING US THAT JARRED’S GRADES ARE FALLING AND EVEN THOUGH HE IS IN SCHOOL HE IS CONSTANTLY LATE FOR HIS FIRST PERIOD CLASS. HE IS ALSO SLEEPING IN CLASS AND BEING REQUIRED TO ATTEND MULTIPLE BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION PROGRAMS AND IN- SCHOOL DETENTIONS AND SUSPENSIONS. HE DOESN’T PLAY ANY SPORTS AND REALLY SHOWS NO INTEREST IN ANY ACTIVITIES. HE VERBALLY ABUSES US, LIES TO US AND STEALS FROM US. HE CERTAINLY WANTS ALMOST NO INTERACTION WITH OUR FAMILY. WE ARE SO SAD NOW AND TRY TO HELP HIM WITH 2 OUTPATIENT PROGRAMS, 2 INPATIENT PROGRAMS, 4 DRUG AND ALCOHOL THERAPISTS, A PSYCHIATRIST, AN ICM AND CACTIS.
DESPITE ALL THAT WE ENDED UP HERE!
WE DO NOT FEEL JARRED IS A CRIMINAL OR A BAD KID. HE HAS JUST MADE SOME POOR CHOICES AND NEEDS SOME DIRECTION TO THE RIGHT PATH. WHATEVER IS DECIDED TODAY IS OUT OF OUR HANDS. I WOULD JUST LIKE TO MENTION THAT WE DO NOT FEEL COMFORTABLE SENDING JARRED TO THE [name of facillity deleted] INPATIENT FACILITY, SINCE THE LAST TIME HE WAS THERE HE ENDED UP IN THE HOSPITAL DUE TO GETTING POSSESSION OF A RAZOR BLADE AND TRYING TO TATTOO HIS UPPER ARM-WE FEEL THAT THE SUPERVISION WAS INADEQUATE.
WE MISS THE OLD JARRED AND WOULD LOVE TO HAVE HIM BACK, BUT THROUGH THIS CRAZY JOURNEY WITH HIM WE UNDERSTAND THAT THE ULTIMATE CHOICE IS UP TO HIM-NO MATTER WHAT IS DECIDED TODAY.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME!
Originally Posted by:Lloyd Woodward -- Friday, September 07, 2007 (note: I just realized that there are more comments to this post from another point in the blog where we reran it. Click here to see those comments and another letter to the judge from a PSST parent.)
(Courtroom drawing by student artist and mock trial attorney Hunter Wallraff, Pacific Collegiate -it does not appear to be copywright protected.)
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