 |
| Where did I find this image? |
"I want to be genuine. This doesn't feel genuine."
That's right. This approach will not feel genuine. In fact, let's face it- it feels phony. I don't have a good response for that one.
Any approach that is new will feel phony. The only thing that is going to feel genuine is the same old approach. Add to that the fact that the " Agree with One or Two Things First " technique purposely leaves some things out of the conversation until later; then of course, it is going to feel phony.
Keep these two things in mind:
1. Keep to your boundaries. Don't mislead, don't over-agree. Just agree with a "slice" of what your teenager is saying and don't offer too much agreement if it would take you outside of your comfort zone.
For example, if he is pressuring you about letting him get a license and he is excited that he is turning 16, agree that being 16 is a BIG deal. Agree that driving is really fun. Agree if you believe it, that he will eventually become a good driver
If you're not sure about that last one, then don't offer it. Be careful however not to agree that he should get his license as soon as possible because unless you agree with that, it's not only phony but it's misleading and deceitful.
2. When you are pressured to give an answer- give one. That is the perfect time to not pull any punches. If you stick to your boundaries, what could be more genuine?
Teen: So, you're saying that I can get my license as soon as want to and that you'll help me get it?
Mom: Well, I'm not comfortable saying that.
Teen: Well that's what you just said!
Mom: I did?
Teen: Yeah, you said you were excited that I'm going to be 16 and you even said you think I'll be a good driver someday.
Mom: Right, I said that, you are correct.
Teen: So, that means you'll help me get a license right away, right?
Mom: Yes, I see you're point and it's a good one- if I'm agreeing with you that driving is fun, that you'll probably be a good driver, and that's it really big deal that you're turning 16 then why wouldn't I want you to get a license right away?
Teen: Yeah.
Mom: I'm sorry. I think I misled you. But I'm really happy that you are bringing this up so we can talk about it. I think it's important for me to be clear with you about this.
Teen: ok? So? what? Tell me already?
Mom: I have a little problem with this part.
Teen: What?
Mom: You're not going to like my answer because it's not the answer that you are looking for and we know that it's a big challenge for you to hear an answer that you don't like. Huge challenge especially because this driving thing is going to be so important for you.
Teen: I knew it. You were just lying! You'll never let me get a license no matter what I do. There's no sense in us talking about this anymore.
Mom: Yeah, this is going to be a tough one for you. Let's talk about it later- good idea.
Teen: I already know what you're going to say anyway.
Mom: Yes, I've noticed that.
Teen: Noticed what?
Mom: You're very good at predicting what your dad and I are going to say about things. You know us really well and even when we don't want to come right out and say something, maybe because we fear that it will upset you- you still do an excellent job of "reading" us.
Teen: See, I knew you wouldn't want me to drive right away when I turned 16.
Mom: You're right.- You probably know exactly why we feel that way too, I bet none of our reasons would surprise you.
In summary try to think of the "not genuine" issue as being more an issue of timing. You're just giving him the same information while you continue to agree with a lot of the stuff that he is saying- but your boundary is that you are Not Comfortable with him getting a license as soon as he turns 16 and that does not change.
3. Buy some time for yourself. You don't have to know exactly what to say as soon as your teen pressures you.
Teen: So, I can get my license and start driving as soon as I turn 16, right?
Mom: Wow! Good question. I'm not sure what to say about that one.
Teen: What does that mean?
Mom: Well, you just surprised with that question, that's all.
Teen: Why? You know I'm going to be 16 soon?
Mom: I wasn't even thinking about that- I mean with you being in placement the last ten months, and soon you're going to be transferring to a halfway house, I just didn't even think that was an issue at the top of the list.
Teen: Well, it is for me.
Mom: Yeah, well I see that now.
Teen: I think it would be good for me too.
Mom: How's that?
Teen: Well, if I have something to look forward to like driving my own car,I could probably behave better and, you know, I could stay off drugs better if thought you'd take my car off me if I used.
Mom: Oh, so what you're saying is that if you had your own car and license and all that you think that would be the answer to a lot of the troubles we've been having?
Teen: Yep. So can I?
Mom: Oh I really don't know about all that, but what you say is interesting and I have to tell you son, I have never looked at it that way before.
Teen: What do you mean?
Mom: Well, I've only thought of you driving as another problem-area; I've never ever thought of you having a car as a solution.
Teen: So, I can do it then, right?
Mom: You want an answer right now on that?
Teen: Yeah.
Mom: Just like that?
Teen: Just like that. I'm tired of having to wait all the time for answers.
Mom: It's true. It's seems like most of the time all the adults in your life are saying, "I'll get back to you on that one." That's got to be frustrating.
Teen: It is. So, just tell me already.
Mom: OK, well [moving in closer and lowing her voice.] As much as I like your courage for even suggesting that you driving a car right away could be an answer to our problems, I'd have to say it would be a cold day in hell before we ran out, bought you a car, and helped you get a license." Ok? That straight up enough for you?
Teen: Why not? Give me one good reason?
Mom: Ok. But you are so good at reading us you probably know what I'm going to say.
Teen: You're going to say I have to prove that i'm responsible first before you trust me with all that responsibility of driving a car.
Mom: Wow!
Teen: Wow what?
Mom: You just said it better than I could. Nice going. You just surprised me again!
Teen: I'm not stupid.
Mom: No, I completely agree Son; for all things you might be, stupid is NOT one of them.
Note: all this started because Mom said, "I'm not sure what to say." It's OK to not know what to say all the time and while we parents feel that way a lot, we rarely say it to our teenagers. Now, ask yourself, what could be more genuine? Also, it's a paradoxical thing that as soon as you say, "I'm not sure what to say about that" a response starts forming in your brain and soon you have lots to say about that!
No comments:
Post a Comment