 |
| This is such a timeless post, that it deserves repeating at least once each year! Jenn (originally published on 4/17/2011, then again on 1/18/14) |
Teenagers try to guilt us by accusing us of not loving them. Sometimes we try to debate this one as though it's an exception to the Avoid Debating Rule because we know we love our teenagers and we love them so much it seems like it should be an easy debate to win. It also feels critical that we are able to "get through" to our teenager that, indeed, we do love him.
We are wrong on both counts. First, there is no debate that is easy to win with our teenagers. They either draw or win every debate. Usually we don't even tie. Secondly, it is not critical that we "get through" to them that we love them. The reason is simple. They already know that. They are just trying to make us feel guilty so that they can get more power. And we fall for it.
Teen: You don't love me- I don't think you ever loved me.
Mom: You're right, love is not enough is it?
Teen: What?
Mom: You're right, Honey, Love is Not Enough, is it?
Teen: [Glaring] I said you didn't love me.
Mom: And I agreed with you that Love is not enough. We need to do more than just love you- and you know I was really wrong about that.
Teen: [teens usually become a tad interested if parents admit they were wrong about something] What?
Mom: I thought love WAS enough. But it's not. There's so much more than just loving you we need to do.
Teen: You don't love me anyway, you just want to have me sent away. I wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for you!
Mom: Well yes.
Teen: You admit it? You put me here and you're keeping me here!
Mom: You're saying so many things. Yes, we arent' so worried about whether or not you think we love you- we used to be worried about that but we aren't that worried about it anymore.
Teen: [glaring.]
Mom: Love's not enough honey, we are trying to save your life and we know that love isnt' going to do that, so yes, you are also right that we preferred that you come here to Shuman and we didn't want you- don't want you- to get right back out. We want you here.
Teen: How can you do that to your own son?
Mom: It's tough.
Teen: It isn't tough. You're lying. You like it that I'm locked up- that's why you aren't trying to get me out, isn't it?
Mom: Well, you're right about that too- it's easier for us to see you at Shuman than it is for us to watch you hurt yourself with drugs outside of Shuman. You're right.
Teen: I hate they way you talk! Quit doing that psychology thing on me-you're f**** up my head!
Mom: We are saying somethings differently.
Teen: Yeah, a lot of things.
Mom: Yup. I guess it's good that you noticed. We're trying.
Teen: Well stop it! I want you to talk like you used to talk, this is messing me up!
Mom: Your right we used to try to say things the way you wanted us to say them. We were so worried about upsetting you or making you angry. I guess we're learning new ways to say things and you don't like the way we are changing.
Teen: Yeah! So stop it or else I'm going to get really pissed!
Mom: We are just making you mad now. We should stop.
Teen: That's what I'm saying.
Mom: OK, lets take a break- these meetings are hard for everyone. We'll be back when we can.
Teen: Don't come back to see me until you can talk regular.
Mom: You're right, we should take a break, we'll take a few days off and check on you next week. We love you even it doesn't look like it.
Teen: It doesn't!
Mom: Bye [hugs but he resists] Honey I'm trying to give a little LOVE here can you help me out?
Teen: No, don't bother I can't take no more of that kind of love. [glaring]
Mom: Yeah, I guess you can't [mom blows a little kiss and walks out of Shuman.
What's the point to learning new ways to talk to teenagers?
There's not just one answer to that. On the one hand it helps ease the oppositional defiant nature. On the other hand, it helps parents feel less worn out and tired when they are not debating. Ultimately, this helps parents to have firmer boundaries and not allow themselves to be manipulated, which of course translates into less enabling.
For me the largest part of changing the way we talk is that it helps us change the way we think. For example, the whole idea that we have just got to get through to our teen that we love him, and if we can be successful with that, then he will "feel loved" and stop with the drugs, bad judgement, and criminal behavior is just erroneous. Lack of love or his lack of being able to see that he is loved is not the problem. He may wish us to see it that way, but that does not make it so.
By seeing past that and by addressing things differently, we come to see how the magician does the trick. We are no longer in awe. We identify the real issue, one of which in this case is his manipulative tactic to make us feel guilty and put us into the I-will-make-it-up-to-you mode where we usually enable and spoil our children.
We could accomplish the same thing in terms of maintaining boundaries without all the agreeing. It might not be as easy or as effective because not only are our children oppositional, but we are a little bit oppositional too. We love to win the debate. We love to to have the last word. By agreeing with something our teenager says, we surprise our teenager and ourselves. In this way we all start to see the real issues more clearly. Share
4 comments:
Sometimes I think we love our addicted children too much---which becomes our addiction! We just have to remember to be strong by having boundaries as well as consequences and not love them to death...Debby
Good ending line - Yes we can "Love" our children to death. I think almost any parent that attends PSST Meetings will admit that they had, at some point, Enabled their teen. I know that I did. When Cisco overdosed for a second time I "got it" that "Loving them is Not Enough". This is an open invitation for any troubled parent to come to a PSST Meeting and learn the difference between "Loving" and "Enabling" your teen. Join us even if your spouse does not agree. Don't be afraid to "Learn to Unlearn" your well intentioned behaviors. ~ Rocco
Lloyd - Thanks for writing up the role-play for us - that helps us to understand better how the "Love is not Enough" discussion might play out. Your comment that we as parents can be oppositional too - that really hit home. We love to win an argument just as much as our oppositional teen does, especially when we know we are right! But when we look back to see how often we've actually "won" any of those arguments - we are hard pressed to find any. It's good to recognize that, and to see how continuing in that mode gets us nowhere. You know what they say about insanity - we do the same thing over & over but somehow expect different results! We as the adults are the ones who need to change our way of interacting, so that we can be better parents. Jenn
Thanks for re-posting this Jenn! I wrote this in 2011. I still think it explains things pretty good. Even so, I think that sometimes in an effort to teach, we over emphasize the technique a bit. For example, it's really not so important to make so many agreeing statements; however, not making any agreeing statements limits the speaker. Even one agreeing statement can take the whole thing "off script." This is something that we say in group now more than we did back when I wrote this. Going off script, as Jerry would say, can put real intimacy back on the table. And when real intimacy comes around kids sometimes aren't comfortable right away and neither are we. We feel vulnerable. But showing that can be a strength, not a weakness.
Post a Comment