Defiance and intimidation- tactics that work because we become afraid. As parents we must face our fear first before we can effectively face our teenagers. An analogy that works is terrorism.
Terrorists base everything on fear. They are not really strong enough to win what they want through conventional warfare. Therefore, they attack the Towers in New York. We lose a ton more people to automobile accidents each year than we do to Terrorism. So why do we suddenly become afraid of terrorists and not afraid to get in our car and drive to the store? Because Terrorism is designed to cause fear. That's the whole idea. To impress the victims with ruthlessness.
It seems that the Defiant Teenager has a similar goal, albeit on a much reduced scale. The Defiant Teen hopes to also impress his parents that he is capable of quite a lot in order to have his or her own way. Similarly, the teen is not powerful enough to win his objectives conventionally. He has no real income. He has no real employment other than perhaps ground-level part-time work. He has no real education. We can go on and on. He has no real housing, other than what his parents provide. He has no real transportation except that his parents might help him get a car and help him pay insurance etc. The teenager is absolutely not in a conventional position of power; therefore, he resorts to fear tactics to get what he wants.
Your teenager might be six feet tall and weight 180 lbs. In that context he may seem powerful. Likewise, the terrorist has explosives that can take lives. However, this does not win the day for either one. Once they employ that power the armed forces and the police will respond in force. Once a Terrorist or a Defiant Teenager acts against citizens, including parents, there is going to be heck to pay.
Of course, as a parent you are not just afraid that your teenager will hurt you. That may or may not be a concern of yours. As parents, what other things are you afraid of?
1. Are you afraid that your teen if he acts out his threats, might be arrested? And if he is 18, he could start an adult criminal record?
2. Are you afraid that your teen will get hurt if his defiance leads him to run away?
3. Are you afraid that your teen will be hurt by his own substance abuse or by his own hand in some other way?
4. Are you afraid that your teenager won't love you if stand up to him/ her?
5. Are you afraid that you will carry the guilt if any of that actually happens? Are you afraid that it will be your fault or that you could have done something to prevent this awful thing from happening?
Are these realistic fears? Yes. Still, if you capitulate and allow your teenager to be in control, does it really lessen the likelihood that any of that stuff will happen? No. Once he has control of your house won't he be more likely to employ his defiant tactics elsewhere?
Bottom line: similar to how countries interact with terrorists, once parents allow their fear (or guilt) to dictate their responses, the Defiant Teen has already won. Now we have taught them that Defiance is a great way to get what they want. Now we have taught them that their Defiance is effective.
Meanwhile, we keep waiting for them to "get it." We keep waiting for them to feel bad about what they are doing. We hope that they will come to their senses and realize that they have treated their families horribly. After all, eventually they will see that, right?
The problem with this approach is also analogous to the problem countries have with Terrorists. Neither of them care. In fact, interviews with teens suggest the opposite: that they often have a sense of power and accomplishment when their defiant tactics work to get them what they want. Allow yourself to think about this for a minute. Not only does your defiant teen not feel bad for terrorizing you, but he probably takes some pride in being able to manipulate you so effectively.
As a parent we struggle with this idea. We are in denial. We want to believe that our teenager really cares about our feelings but that he just doesn't understand. He is confused. No- your defiant teenager does not care how his defiance effects you. If he did care, he would not do these things. This is especially true if your defiant teenager is deep in his addiction. Until they get off drugs the only thing they care about is getting more drugs.
I see this time and time again. The teens who threaten to hurt their parents, who threaten to run away, who threaten to commit suicide, who threaten to have a temper tantrum and start breaking up stuff just don't care what effect their behavior has on their families. They don't see themselves as culpable. They really believe that it's your fault. You make them resort to these extreme tactics and if you would just do things differently there would be no problem.
Like the teen that I met for the first time at Abraxas. I asked him want went wrong that he got sent to Abraxas. He said that it was a problem that he had with his mother, but now they have it all worked out and everything will be fine when he goes home. I asked him how that worked. He replied that his mother didn't trust him because she busted him using substances. After that she refused to let him out of the house. Because she didn't trust him to go out, he just went out, angry about the lack of trust that his mother had in him. Then he did every drug he could get his hands on. If she had only trusted him he would not have had to go on that drug binge. Now they had it all worked out because she realizes that she should have trusted him more.
As I heard this I thought Huh? This line of thinking is incredulous; however, this is what your defiant teenagers often think even if they won't tell you that this is what they are thinking. It's all your fault.
Another way to try to see how your defiant teenager sees things is like this: they abuse you verbally, emotionally, and sometimes physically. Your teen may feel that if you allow yourself to be abused, then you deserve it. It is all about power, if you don't take the power then you don't deserve it. If the teenager can successfully seize it, then they deserve it.
Our only hope is to stand up to our teenagers. Find a way. Call the police if they are breaking the law. Take their car off of them. Call a rehab and get a Drug evaluation. Take their phones off of them. Take the door off their bedroom. Cut them off from all financial aid. Do it with love. Don't yell. Just act. Charge them with Terroristic Threats. Charge them with Assault. Charge them with Theft. Wake them up in the morning no matter what it takes. Do it every day. Get in their face but keep your voice down. Talk slowly and let them see your resolve. Mean every word of what you say. Surprise them with your determination and with your resolve. Often the outcome is decided by who wants it more. You can want it more.
Keep this in mind. Do you do all this for yourself? Not really. For yourself, you would choose the way of least conflict. You do it for them. You do it so that they can learn that their tactics are not effective. You show them, with as much love as you can muster at the time, that the way in which they are going about having their own way is not working. Not anymore.
Of course, many teenagers turn the corner, embrace recovery from addiction and try to change their lives. Until this happens don't expect your defiant teen to care very much about how you're feeling about all this. Once this turn-the-corner thing happens teenagers may begin to feel for other people and experience remorse for the things that they put their families through.
One last thought: In addition to standing up to your teenager you should make sure that you don't give them increased attention for some of the defiant acts. Temper tantrums draw attention. You can walk away. You can still hold them accountable in some way later, but get away from the yelling and/ or violent teenager. They aren't winning unless you give in so don't do that; but don't feel that you have to stand there in the middle of a temper tantrum. Just walk away. If it gets too out of control, call the police. Ask for assistance to "keep the peace." That is the best way to get a policeman quickly to your house. Or depending on what is going on, call 911 and report that your teenager is threatening to take his or her own life. Take an action. In general, take more action and talk less. Remember, when you engage in a yelling contest with your teenager, the terrorists have already won.
