Role-play: Dad stands with Mom. (15 Parents attend Alliance PSST on 1-11-08.) Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Sunday, January 13, 2008

With three newcomers, this meeting rocked! Veteran group members reached out to the newcomers with empathy and information. Especially, the role-playing took a very realistic turn, with several men "channeling" their teens in the role-play.


There is an old saying that "if you want to really learn something - teach it." Well, a lot of that might have been going on as parents reached out to our three newcomers. In fact, we tend to have some our better meetings when newcomers arrive. So, if anybody out there is reading this and thinking about coming to one of our groups, please do so. You end up helping our group as much as the group helps you.

The role-play we did is one about visiting your teen in the rehab. Your teen wants to blame you for it. You are hoping that your teenager can take some responsibility and admit that via the choices that he made, he put himself into rehab.

It is a bit unrealistic to expect the teen who is forced into rehab to admit that he put himself there. Also, when your teen blames you for putting him in rehab, a large part of what he is saying is that you are powerful. The last thing that we as parents should claim is that we have no power. Instead, we can start to look at the blame as credit. If your teen want to give you credit for putting them being in rehab go ahead and take some of it. (Of course, we know that you couldn't have done it without their help.)

One of the dynamics of our latest role-play is that Mom and Dad are not on the same page. We have done other role-plays with this theme and at the bottom of this post you can find links to related role-plays. In this one, Mom has to be the bad guy all the time. Dad gets to be the buddy. This presents a challenging situation because it is only natural that the teen will take the opportunity to exploit the chasm between you both.

For example, Mom feels that the son should absolutely be in rehab. The Dad thinks so too, but on any given day he might feel differently about that. On any given day he might belive that his son should not be in a drug rehab. Therefore, he is more vulnerable to the teenager's manipulations. He would benefit from working on that issue before he makes his first visit to the rehab.

The following role-play is inspired by the one we did in group but is really not at all what we did in group. .

Setting: The teen as been in the drug rehab for about a week. He was admitted to the rehab via Act 53.

Mom: Well Son you look good. Are they treating you OK up here?

Son: You Bitch; don't speak to me. I only want to speak to Dad. [Turning from Mom and looking at Dad] Dad, you know she put me in here. You know I don't belong in here. Get me out of here Dad. I know YOU want me home. Dad, let's get out of here.

Dad: Son, I don't like you calling your Mom names. THAT is unacceptable.

Son: But Dad, you know it's true. You know what she is like.

Dad: Your Mom and I do what we do because we love you.

Son: I know you love me Dad. You know I don't belong up here.

Dad: Listen Son, I'm glad you brought this up so that we can talk about it. I'd like to get things straightened out while you're up here.

Son: Can I come home Dad? That's all I want to know. I don't want to straighten nothing else out if I can't come home.

Dad: I have an apology to make to you son.

Son: It's OK Dad. I know you just went along with her. She and I just don't get along but I see you do things sometimes just to try to get along with her. But let's face it, neither of us can get along with her.

Dad: Son, you go ahead and talk. When you're done- you let us know. Your mother and I will wait until you are done. [Looking at Mom] Right honey, we can wait until he finishes before we have our turn to talk.

Mom: Yes, I will wait until he is ready to stop interrupting me.

Son: Can we go home? Now? Please?

Dad: No.

Son: Why not? Give me one good reason?

Dad: No.

Son: No?

Dad: Not until it's our turn to talk. You go ahead and finish what you have to say first- we won't interrupt you and then when it's our turn, you won't interrupt us.

Son: Well, it sucks to be up here and even the staff can't figure out what the hell I'm doing up here. Everyone agrees that I don't need to be here.

Dad: Go ahead Son

Son: I need you to talk back to me; but not her. Just you.

Dad: It doesn't work that way.

Son: What the hell?

Dad: Your mother and I have the same things to say. You hear us both out or you don't hear either one of us.

Son: Fine. What?

Dad: You sure we can talk now?

Son: Yes. Talk Talk. [rolling eyes and giving out a big sigh.)

Dad: Son, I need to start in my own way- and so will you mother- so we want to make sure that you won't interrupt us. If you're not done talking yet, we can wait.

Son: What (beginning to raise voice) you mean I can't go home? Why the fu&* not?

Dad: First things first. I have something brief to say and then your mother has something to say to you. Here's mine. Listen, I really owe you an apology.

Son: What- no no no Dad.

Dad: [gives son a "Shush" by putting his index finger to his lips) Hear me out- please don't interrupt. We have not interrupted you. I see now that I have been trying all this time just to be your buddy. You need me to be a father, not a buddy.

Son: Dad, we are buddies- the Patriots are playing tonight Dad, you know you can't enjoy that game while I'm locked up here for no reason at all. [leaning in close to dad with his hand around his mouth as though he is speaking a secret- lowing voice] She's outta control Dad. She is really really outta control this time."

Dad: Son, your mother and I will enjoy the game, tonight but back to what I was saying. Because I have been trying to hard to be your buddy, I haven't been tough enough on you. And this has put your mother in a bad situation. She has had to become the bad guy. This is part of why you are so angry at her right now- you think that she is the only parent who wants you to get help. Well, Son [putting his hand up to stop Son from interrupting]. That is just not true. I want you to be in here to get help for your drug problem and I am just as responsible for you being in here as she is- maybe more so.

Son: (finally interrupting as he can not stand listening anymore) I don't belong here HELLO! I am not like these other people

Dad: Wait Son, it's our turn to speak. It is not OK for you to do drugs. It will not be OK for you to do drugs or to hang out with your friends that do drugs. Period. And I stand together with your mother to try to stop your abuse of drugs. It's something that I should have done a long time ago.

Son: That is such bull shit - can I talk now?

Dad: No- It's your mother's turn.

Son: No way! I don't want to talk to her.

Dad: [looking at Mom} Honey, if he's not going to let you have your say, I think this visit is over. Not much more we can do here until he is ready to deal with both of us.

Mom: I think you're right.

Son: What you are just going to leave me here?

Mom: Of course we are.

Son: You can't do that! You can't just walk out of here. It'll look like you are bad parents.

Dad: Well I think I would have been a better father if I had quit trying to be your buddy. You can tell the staff here that I said that!

Son: (Starts punching his hand with his fist and looking at his mother.)

Dad: We'll discuss this next visit Son. [parents exit- leaving Son sitting there fuming.

Other role-plays with similar themes:

Ganging Up On Mom.

Ask me again, ask me again

Blaming Parents (Single Mom)