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Quote of the Week
"If I cannot do great things, I can do small things in a great way" ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.
 We talked a little about prescription drugs and our kids at the last PSST meeting. Last week I read an article in Readers Digest December 2010-January 2011 entitled Little.Legal.Lethal. about kids taking lethal combinations of prescription drugs and alcohol and how they think its safe since the drugs are legal. A small town had three deaths in the space of a couple of days and it was kids combining stuff like methadon, klonopin washed down with beer and dying.
Prior to reading this article I had heard about kids having "pharm" parties where the kids bring anything they can find from the family medicine cabinet, toss it all together and take random pills swallowed down with alchol. Very scary behavior. After learning about this practice we started locking up all of our prescription and non-prescription medicines. When my son was in 7th grade and there were alcohol incidents with a couple of his friends we started locking up any alcohol in the house. Those are steps we took but I know not all parents take those steps. Just recently our son was at the house of one his best friends (where we have told him he wasn't allowed to be), we got him out of there, and a couple days later text messages back and forth with him and friend told the story that the plan was to drink at that house that night. The dad was clueless (maybe) about who was at the house at the time. Anyway, I though other parents would be interested in the Readers Digest Article.
Thanks.
Wilma
We appreciate this information that Wilma, our astute PSST mom found. She sent us the following link titled: The Killers in Your Medicine Cabinet. Just click on Killers to go to the link.
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~ Thank you ~
As I finish my internship with juvenile probation, I want to say how much I appreciate everything I have learned from Lloyd, Kathie, Val and all the parents of PSST. Initially a little unsure of how a social work internship with juvenile probation would work, I am now convinced it is the best choice I could have made.
Working with Lloyd and Kathie, I have seen innovative approaches to working with a tough population in need of both intensive and compassionate services – teenage addicts and their families involved with the juvenile justice system in Allegheny County. I discovered a hopeful place where parents meet to hone the skills that help them take back the power balance in their families, and ultimately work to help their children learn to save their own lives. I saw the potential for our teenage clients to turn their lives around, and also the tragic consequences that the destructive disease of addiction can have on people’s lives.
This year I felt privileged to be part of a team that is dedicated to preserving and restoring the lives of troubled adolescents and their families. I worked closely with two exceptional people who have changed the way I see my work and my career. I knew from previous experience that Lloyd was an unusual and talented probation officer. Seeing his deep passion for his work, and his commitment to his clients, and his endless creativity, I can see why his colleagues, clients, and families respect him so much. Lloyd has mastered the art of communicating with and respect for the idiosyncrasies of the teenage addict’s mind. He is the “teenage whisperer.” Kathie’s work with her clients, and her hope for change is never ending and my respect for her drive and determination to never to give up on a young life is immense.
I also want to thank all the parents who I have met at PSST. The way you face daily challenges head on, with humor, grit and tenacity, is inspiring. I will take with me a much deeper understanding of the issues families face as they struggle to cope with children with addictions, but also of the hope that can be found in the shared support of parents gathered at PSST meetings.
To everyone, Lloyd, Kathie, Val, Jocelyn and Justin, the parents from PSST and the young men and women on probation who struggle daily to fight their addictions, for your generosity in sharing knowledge and your experiences with me, thank you.
Rebecca
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| What's this have to do with it? |
We worked this in PSST on Saturday in Wexford. What do you do when you are trying to end the discussion with your teenager and they pursue, badgering, stalking, not letting it drop, demanding that you continue to give them an audience?
Stop running first of all, unless you can make it safely to a room with a good lock where you can get a few breaths. Turn, face your teen and make a very big agreement...
Mom: It doesn't matter what I do you're NOT going to let this drop. [Using strong body language but keeping safety** in mind also]
Teen: No, you lied about this.
Mom: Yes, I'm the evil witch of the west and as soon as you've had your say, I'm going for my broom and I'm getting the heck out of here for a while.
Teen: Will you be serious??!!!
Mom: I'll try- go ahead have your say.
Teen: What?
Mom: Obviously, I can't outrun you can I?
Teen: I want to go out and I need money. You promised to give me some money and I need it today.
Mom: No. Not going to happen today.
Teen: You promised.
Mom: Nevertheless.
Teen: You are a bitch.
Mom: OK OK this is going on long enough I think. Tell you what.
Teen: What
Mom: [continuing with very strong body language," taking an inch" of her teenagers' personal space and keeping safety** in mind] why don't you tell me exactly what you think of me, and don't hold back this time, OK?
Teen: I just did [glaring].
Mom: OK, well I want to give you the last word, OK?
Teen: You're standing too close to me!
Mom: You're right this is too close! [Not backing up] and this meeting has gone on way too long!
Teen: Well, back off!
Mom: You're right, I need to back off, I'm getting entirely too fired up- now why don't you just tell me what you think of me, get if off your chest, no more holding back, and then have your last word about this money thing and this not leaving the house thing because you are grounded Mister. Now go ahead, I'll shut up and I'll back off, to what, how's this is this good distance for you?
Teen: Yeah.
Mom: Go ahead, have your say.
Teen: What, why are you doing this?
Mom: Obviously, I can't outrun you and you follow me around not letting this thing drop so you have apparently more things you need to say- so lets have out with it and be done with it now.
Teen: You said I could have money and I could go out. I already told you Robert doesn't get high anymore. You're not listening to me I told you all this.
Mom: OK, you're absolutely right, you know what's going on here?
Teen: What?
Mom: You are doing a good job of being crystal clear with me about how you see things. You think I'm a liar and apparently since I refuse to give you money today that I was going to give you, you think I'm a thief of sorts too I suppose.
Teen: Sorta yeah.
Mom: Well, I'm not doing as good a job AS YOU ARE of being crystal clear. Very good. Let me try to do better, OK?
Teen: What?
Mom: I...am...not...giving...you...any...money...today. I've...changed...my...mind. I...know...you...don't...agree...with...my...reasons. Never-the-less...you...are...grounded...until...further...notice. Now...is...there...any...part...of...that...that...is...still...muddy...or...unclear?
Teen: No
Mom: The fact that you think me a liar, thief, and a bitch does not change the fact that I've changed my mind. Is that clear?
Teen: [glares]
Mom: Just for the record, any time I'm NOT comfortable with your plans I will change my mind.
Teen: Just yesterday, you said you were starting to trust me!
Mom: Yes, and that was true yesterday.
Teen: So, that was a lie?
Mom: No, but you want to believe I'm a liar, so go ahead and believe what you like. You don't want to understand my reasons, we already had this discussion. It's too complicated apparently. We'll talk about it when you've calmed down.
Teen: I've calmed down.
Mom: You have?
Teen: Yes.
Mom: So if I tell you why again, you won't argue, debate, and stalk me through the house until you badger me into changing my mind back?
Teen: Yes.
Mom: Yes what?
Teen: Yes, I won't follow you around anymore.
Mom:And you won't debate?
Teen: I'll try.
Mom: Good, THANK YOU! I'm not comfortable with you hanging out with Robert again.
Teen: But he's clean I told you!
Mom: You're debating.
Teen: OK OK, I won't go out with Robert can I still go out and have the money?
Mom: Absolutely not.
Teen: Why not?
Mom: I'm sorry, but for one thing I don't give money and privileges to young men who call me bitch, liar, thief and follow me around the house arguing when I clearly wanted to end the conversation. No, I'm afraid that I'm just NOT comfortable with THAT. But you know, you have surprised me today.
Teen: How? [still glaring].
Mom: You're usually the one who wants these meetings to end. But today I'm trying to end it and you just seem like you want to chat all day!
Teen: Up yours! [walks away].
Mom: [thinks: if I move quick I can make it too my broom stick and get the heck out of here!]
**Keeping safety in mind means that if you've been hurt by your teenager or if you have reason to believe that "taking an inch" of their space will lead to violence,then don't do that particular thing; however, it is still strongly recommended that you don't give any space to your teenager by backing up when you're doing this. That would show fear and showing fear can also incite teenagers to violence. Be safe. If you believe that you are not safe in your own home talk to someone about a Safety Plan and see if there are changes that you can make to increase your safety. For example, you might invite a local police to your home to inform your teenager about how easy it is to file assault charges and what the filing of those charges would mean. Always remember that calling 911 and telling dispatch operator that you need an "officer to keep the peace" is a good way to increase your safety in your home. If your teenager believes that you will make that call, then he may be reluctant to start violence.
As pointed out in comments by Anonymous more information about safety can be read at When Teenagers Harrass Parents.
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APRIL 2 PSST MEETING
Editor's Note: Please stay tuned. I apologize for the amount of time it has been taking to complete the summaries and to get them posted lately but hang in there with us and check back in for updates. We are getting to them as time allows - Thanks for your patience, Rocco
 We had a great turnout Saturday for our PARENT SURVIVAL SKILLS TRAINING (PSST) Meeting on April 2, held at the Wilkinsburg location.
We had our PSST Pros Val, Lloyd and Rebecca from Allegheny County Juvenile Probation. Also joining us from Allegheny County Juvenile Probation was Kathleen. Thanks Kathleen, we always appreciate having the opportunity to hear from other professionals in the field.
The meeting was attended by 16 outstanding parents representing 13 families including one returning PSST Alumna also known as Ethel.
ANNOUNCEMENTS
Val explained that there are now a number of web sites where our teens can readily purchase fake (novelty) state or national I.D cards. These cards are very realistic including lamination and holograms.
WEB WATCH: The sellers, of course, put their worthless disclaimers on their sites such as:
“You hereby represent and warrant that: a. You are at least eighteen (18) years of age; b. You understand and acknowledge that the Novelty ID(s) are intended to be used solely for entertainment purposes and are not intended or designed to be used as, or represented to be, evidence of your identity, likeness or age; and c. You will not use the Novelty ID(s) (1) for any unlawful or illegal purpose or in connection with or in furtherance of any unlawful or illegal activity; (2) in violation of any applicable law or regulation…”
There is even one web site that has the audacity to warn potential clients:
“Never pay for your ID cards to companies that only accept cash. Companies that also accept credit card through a secure site is the only companies are safe way to pay.”
So while you are checking your teens for drugs and paraphernalia be sure to keep an eye out for fake I.D. cards.
Val also told us that the sale of stimulants being sold as bath salts have been increasing in our area. Like K-2 and other artificial marijuana products these products are promoted as bath salts and by using weasel words like “not for human consumption” to get around laws and regulations.
Likewise the manufacturers of K-2 and other artificial marijuana products keep on altering the ingredients in their products to skirt laws and regulations as soon as they are passed. She said that just one local hospital reported eight patients admitted due to severe side effects caused by the use of K-2 in one week.
Rocco reminds any parents out there that would like some additional assistance and counseling on parenting an adolescent addict; please feel free to join us at the Families Anonymous Meeting every Tuesday night from 6:00 p.m. to 7:30 p.m. at:
Gateway Rehab, 5818 Forbes Ave, 2nd Floor, Pittsburgh, PA 15217
LET’S TALK - PSST MEETING PART 1
Ethel was nominated to chair the meeting and she handled the duties well. Each parent had a chance to give a brief summary of how their children are doing and how they are doing.
Ethel kicked off the meeting by explaining that she was there to provide a bit of hope for us parents and our children. A while back she had been looking for help for her daughter, Lucy, for almost two years. Finally she found PSST. Lucy is now clean, in recovery and is stationed in the Mediterranean in the U.S. Navy.
Click on “A Letter of Commendation from a Grateful Parent” to read about Ethel and Lucy’s story.
Ethel reminded everyone to keep coming to PSST meetings, detach with love, take your time [the process to get your teen to accept their recovery can take at least two years] and don’t be afraid to take some very uncomfortable steps to reach your goals.
She cautioned that there are no guarantees but with help of PSST she was able to save her daughter’s life. Lloyd remembered that just a few years ago Lucy was the teenage girl who would put cigarettes out in her palm to see if she was drunk enough.
As Lloyd noted in a previous post “No one could have done this except for you Ethel. It was risky as these things always are, but you knew that Lucy was at great risk no matter what path you chose. You considered the stakes and you were prepared to do whatever you had to do to try and reach Lucy...Out of all the people who went above and beyond to provide Lucy with the opportunity to change her life you are by far the one at the top of the list.
Thanks Ethel for coming back and sharing with the group. You give us all a glimmer of hope in our continuing struggles.
Violet took a pass at her turn – she was upset with her son Vinnie and said she would talk later.
Jessica has a son Herman who has just left his second inpatient recovery program and is in a halfway house before returning home. He was released too early from his first program. Jessica and her husband Roger instinctively knew that it was too early but all of the “experts” were telling them that Herman was ready to come home. [EDITOR'S NOTE: Be sure to read Jessica's comment following this post]
Without outside assistance and counseling parents of troubled teens are often overwhelmed by the programs themselves, a lack of information and by the nightmare health insurance maze we are run through. Most of us PSST parents have been there. It is a confused and hopeless feeling.
Since Jessica and Roger began attending PSST meetings and they have taken the power back and are capably handling their own recovery well and supporting Herman with his recovery. Herman is, like most of our teens, not enthusiastically embracing his recovery.
Never-the-less Jessica was not feeling comfortable. Her son’s actions are setting off her codependency triggers resulting in anxiety.
To put into PSSTerminology she was feeling WISSY – click on “Dr. Max explains it all to you: Diagnosis: W.I.S – What If Syndrome”
Jessica acknowledged that Roger seemed to be handling Herman’s actions and attitude a little better. Roger feels that it is Herman’s job to work his recovery, to stay clean, to take responsibility for his own life and if he stumbles he must take the consequences.
CONSEQUENCES - That word can set off “bells and whistles” even more so for parents than for our teens. We understand the consequences all too well, our teenagers don't always understand or even care about them. We need to detach from them, they need to understand them.
These are all issues that PSST Parents can relate to. This is why PSST is here; so that you can talk it over with other parents and professionals and so we can reach out to help you to get through your trepidations.
Jessica, you and Roger are doing the best that you can with your son. It is not always easy or comfortable but it is the correct thing to do. We are always here to support you.
Wilma’s son Bam-Bam has used a variety of drugs like Marijuana, K-2 Spice and alcohol. Like many of our teens he will not acknowledge that he has a problem yet. Bam Bam is definitely not doing what he needs to do for his recovery but he is doing his best to take the power in their home.
Wilma is being proactive and is showing him that she is not about to concede the power to him.
One of the first things to do to retain your power is to make regular random searches of their rooms. You do not need to wait until they are out for the day and you don't need a search warrant. One of our more innovative PSST moms invited the police to bring their drug sniffing dog to her home. It is your house and you have the right to know what is in it.
Wilma found Coricidin HPB Cold & Flu on a recent search. Fortunately the Cold & Flu formula does not contain Dextromethorphan (DMX). DMX is an active ingredient in Coricidin HPB Cough & Cold and is a commonly abused drug. As most of our drug abusing teens would, Bam Bam denied knowing how it got there.
Other bad signs for Bam Bam's recovery are that he has been bumped up to the partial program at his Outpatient Recovery Program for drug use, and a text message about he received asking him to meet at the local 7/11 to do a drug exchange. He, of course, denied any knowledge of what this was about also.
Wilma locked off his texting which resulted in Bam Bam punching walls and slamming doors.
Do not hesitate to block phone numbers, shut off texting, shut off the cell phone completely or confiscate their cell phones [Even if they purchased it with their own money]. Cell phones are Drug Paraphernalia. In addition to easy access to drugs, they provide quick access to Face Book, My Space and other internet web sites.
Finally for "PSST Show and Tell" Wilma brought in Bam Bam’s latest craft project – a 2 liter soda bottle with a socket taped to the top – can you say BONG? – he told her that he was making a whistle. Do you need anymore evidence that abusing drugs kind of dulls their minds?
Remember: Whatever you find (including text messages) should be kept as future evidence. Do not throw it away, destroy it, delete it or otherwise cover up for your teen. And be sure to either lock it in a secure place at home or at some place you can trust or as some of our PSST Parents have done take it to your local police to keep as evidence.
Thanks so much Wilma for being part of PSST. Like so many of us you are doing many things that are not comfortable in order to save your son’s life and to give him a chance for a decent future. Remember PSST is here for you.
WEB WATCH: There are web sites advising how to obtain and use DMX [Dextromethorphan / Coricidin HPB] - Slang terms to watch for include CCC, robo, red devils, DMX, dex, triple c, skittles & tussin.
WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE?
Cough syrup and cough and cold tablets or gel caps that are available without a prescription. Also, Dextromethorphan can be purchased in a powder form over the internet.
EFFECTS
The effects of dextromethorphan abuse vary with the amount taken. Common DXM effects can include confusion, dizziness, double or blurred vision, slurred speech, impaired physical coordination, abdominal pain, nausea and vomiting, rapid heart beat, drowsiness, numbness of fingers and toes, and disorientation. DXM abusers describe different levels ranging from mild distortions of color and sound to visual hallucinations and "out-of-body," dissociative, sensations, and loss of motor control. Also be aware that many of these products contain other drugs that will damage the liver if used repeatedly.
Click on “Drugfree.org – Drug Info” for more information on DMX and other commonly abused drugs.
Brigitte and Francoise have a son Pierre who just returned home following 3 weeks in an inpatient recovery program. Because of his deliberate drug use and his attitude they filed charges to get him onto juvenile probation.
Pierre is doing well – he is back at school, he has cleared his phone of the “friends” that he used with and he has even cleaned his room. He is talking sincerely with his parents.
Brigitte and Francoise would like to thank all of the people at PSST. Pierre was a little surprised at all of the people that showed up at his hearing and wanted to know “Who are all of these people?”
We would like to thank you, Brigitte and Francoise, for being part of PSST. We hope that your son continues to do well in his recovery.
Jane has a son Elroy who is 18 and has used marijuana, alcohol and K-2. She has worked very hard to save her son Elroy from a life of addiction without much help or support from her husband George. George would rather pretend there are no problems, than to actually deal with them. Elroy got himself into the juvenile justice system and now in an inpatient recovery program. Elroy is still has some behavioral issues, like most of our teens, with rule bending. 
Jane worries that if Elroy has trouble with the little rules now, how will he be able to deal with the big rules later.
Elroy has had a couple of 3 hour passes that have been less than satisfying due in no small part to George’s enabling. Jane is looking forward to the next 3 hour pass without George. She has made it clear to Elroy that she will not keep secrets.
Jane said that she has laid it on the line. She is exhausted and won’t go back to the way things used to be. She is living by her new motto “I will not go back to living like I used to.”
Elroy must learn to understand this and learn to follow the rules before he can return home.
This is a very empowering statement for parents and much better than lecturing to a teenager “You better do this and you better do that”…which all begins to sound to them like “Blah, blah, blah…”
“I am not going to live like this anymore.”
Thanks Lori, these are very powerful words for all of us to live by. Thanks for continuing to join us at our meetings.
Daisy has a 16 year old son Ozzie. He has been home from inpatient recovery, on an electronic monitor (i.e. ankle bracelet) now for about 3 weeks. He acted up enough a while back that Daisy had to call in the P.O. for a visit. This calmed Oz down for a brief period.
Now Ozzie is trying to pull out his old badgering routine – “Let’s follow mom around the house and repeat and repeat and repeat the same questions and see if I can get her to snap.”
Daisy is not taking the bait this time. No matter how much Ozzie acts out Daisy is not going to cry for him.
 Ozzie: “You know mom, as soon as they cut this monitor off of me I am going to run.”
Daisy: [calmly] “Thanks for letting me know that Oz. I’ll be sure to share that with your P.O.”
Ozzie: “As soon as I am off of probation in November I am going to smoke!”
Daisy: [calmly] “Really Oz? That’s too bad. It is your life and your choice. I hope that you will figure out what is best for you.”
Ozzie “WHY ARE YOU KEEPING ME ON PROBATION?!”
Daisy: [calmly] “Because for now it is the best thing that I can do to keep you clean.”
These are not exact quotations. They are more like the gist of how far Daisy has come in the year since coming to PSST. She doesn’t have a perfect kid (none of us do) but he is at home and clean and slowly getting that Daisy has the power in the home and that he is not getting it back.
Daisy you are doing all of the right things. You are not doing it the easy way; you are doing it the PSST way.
EDITOR’S NOTE: Daisy – When you ready to pick up a good solid bedroom door I will personally be glad to install it for you.
Becky has a 16 year old son Syd who has been home from an inpatient recovery program for a week. Becky and Tom do not feel that Syd is in a good place in his recovery. To add a hardship to this he is also having trouble with his feelings about being adopted. There are currently a lot of adoptive parents attending PSST Meetings and we do discuss this regularly.
 Becky and Tom are stepping up their actions starting with taking his cell phone away. Syd was in contact with all of the wrong people and was keeping a picture of a leaf for his phone’s wallpaper. These are all bad signs that have Becky and Tom rightly concerned.
 In particular, Syd is talking with a friend who is praising him for the great job he is doing by keeping clean but saying that she cannot stop using. Syd, as many of our kids do, says that he is just trying to help her. Never-the-Less, even if he is telling the truth; he is way too early in his own recovery to help anyone with their recovery (especially someone who is not ready for it). If he stays in contact with this person he will relapse long before she will get into recovery.
To add to these issues their school district is dragging their feet about helping Becky and Tom find a alternate school for Syd. They have suggested that Syd might return to his regular high school. Becky and Tom feel that it would be a BIG MISTAKE to allow Syd back into the high school and are refusing to at this time. Editor’s Note: I AGREE with you two.
On the good side they know that if Syd can get a job that a lot of the problems may not go away but they will diminish. Syd really enjoys work and puts himself into his work as he showed while he was at Liberty Station. The busier he stays the easier it will be for Syd to keep clean.
They also have not been afraid to call in The P.O. as needed and The P.O. has been there for them. This is a result of them doing the “uncomfortable thing” and having their teen placed on juvenile probation. It becomes a major tool in your tool box to help you help your teen stay clean.
Becky you and Tom are doing a good job of healing your family and you are giving your son his best chances to stay clean. You two have become PSST Pros and PSST is here to help your family down the bumpy road to recovery.
TO BE CONTINUED
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One of our well-informed PSST Moms, Lindy Lou, gave us this information on the screening of a documentary that will be shown at Pitt this coming Tuesday. The 26 minute documentary will be followed by a discussion lead by a group called YASP (Youth Art and Self empowerment Project) All who are interested are invited to attend.
Stolen Dreams
Where: School of Social Work,
Conference Center,
2017 Cathedral of Learning
When: Tuesday, April 12th at noon
Join the School of Social Work,
School of Social Work Continuing
Education Program and the
Student Government Association,
School of Public Health at the
screening of the documentary “Stolen Dreams”
(26 minutes) followed by a discussion with
members of the Youth Art & Selfempowerment
Project (YASP). Come and
hear about the experience and consequences
of being tried as an adult from young people
who went through the criminal justice system
and are now working to reform policy and
practice.
Sponsored by: School of Social Work, School of Social
Work Continuing Education Program, and the Student
Government Association, School of Public Health
The Youth Art & Self-empowerment Project's Mission:
The number of teenagers under the age of 18 who are held in adult
jails and prisons in Pennsylvania has increased drastically over the
last fifteen years. The Youth Art & Self-empowerment Project
(YASP) is building a youth-led movement to stop this trend by
ending the practice of automatically trying and incarcerating young
people as adults. Through its work in the Philadelphia jails, YASP
provides space for incarcerated young people to express themselves
creatively and to develop as leaders both within and beyond the
prison walls. Young people who have been through the adult court
system are at the forefront of YASP, leading the movement to keep
teenagers out of adult prisons and to create new possibilities for
youth around the city.
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This word can work like magic. If we are careful to only use "NOW" when we mean it we can see a dramatic shifting of power. If "NOW" is used and not meant then the magic can weaken.
EXCERPT: Consider the other way: You nag nag nag your teenager to bring those cups downstairs. He says "OK later," but he never does it. The dishes stack up until one of two things happen. Either all your dishes are now in your teenager's bedroom or you go in and take them downstairs for him. Either way, he is in the dominant position of power and you are in the submissive position. Now you have given up the power seat and have given up the advantage when bigger issues such as curfew, drug abuse, and hanging with old friends comes along.
Here's the basic idea: if we can do something to get our teenager's behavior where we want it, without punishing and without bribery or even rewarding, then we are way ahead of the Who's In Charge Game.
For example, your teenager has dirty dishes in his room. You have asked him over and over again to bring the dishes down and it's always the same response: "OK, in a minute." But the minute never comes. As a parent you are getting angrier and angrier and you fear that bugs or rodents might make a move on your teenager's room and of course infest the whole house.
You can threaten to take his cell phone or his Black Opps video game if he doesn't clean up his room but then you are into punishment. We sometimes need punishment in order to hold our teenagers accountable; however, it is much better (when possible) that we hold our teenager's accountable without punishment. One way to do this is by saying and meaning the word NOW.
Sometimes this is difficult for parents to see. If we don't punish it may feel as though "he got away with it" but that's not what's happening. What's happening is that you have helped get his behavior where you want it. Once you do that you've succeeded and then continue to do that until this behavior is rountine. Consistency is so important if we want our teens to learn a routine.
Parents sometime say to me, "I shouldn't have to tell him to do his chores- he's 18!" I agree with them and I add, "You shouldn't have had to go to Court. You shouldn't have had to support your teen in rehab by going to parent's meeting. You shouldn't have had to go to those meetings at school. You shouldn't have had to do a lot of things. But you do. So let's look at effective things that might help. Telling teens over and over in a consistent manor that they have to get thier chores done "now" helps them to set up the routine. That's the goal. And if you can do that without punishment so much the merrier.
So, how does it work? When you spot the dishes and glasses in his room walk in and confront him by saying something like this:
Dad: Son, I need these dishes and glasses carried downstairs.
Son: I'll get it later Dad, I'm busy playing this game.
Dad: [Dad moves in closer to his son so that he is about a foot away but he keeps his voice low and calm and he has good strong eye-contact] Not later Son; I need you to do it now.
Son: I said I was busy Dad I'll get it in a minute![Son is getting a tad louder at this point]
Dad: Regardless, Son I need this carried down now. [Dad is using strong eye contact and now he is narrowing the gap, only about 10 inches from his son now and as he leans in to confront his son you can feel the power. When we did the role-play in group we could all feel the power. You might call it the Power of Command.]
At this point Dad is committed. He must stick with it until the dishes are carried downstairs. He has invoked the sacred word, "NOW" and if he invokes this word and then does not see the task through, then the word may never work the same for him again. It's magic will wane.
Therefore, DO NOT USE THIS WORD unless you really mean it and are prepared to drop everything and stay with your teenager until the task is accomplished. No threats are necessary and in fact, threatening at this point might be counter-productive and cause unnecessary resentment.
Threats are not helpful at the introduction of the word "NOW." Likewise, once a teenager carries the dishes and glasses downstairs do not follow that up with a lecture or with a punishment. It does not help at that point to say, "See wasn't that easy, don't you wish that you just did that on you own without me having to point it out." That' s sort of rubbing the teenagers' nose in it if you will, and it is now much more gracious to say, "Thanks Son, I appreciate that."
Once the teenager has carried the stuff downstairs you are free to thank him but no need to go overboard and print him a certificate. If he does it you have set in motion a powerful precedent. From now on when you say NOW you mean it and he must do it.
The reason that threats and punishments are not necessary is that the Dad has one huge advantage over the teenager. The teenager really really wants the Dad to go away so that he can resume his texting, TV watching, or game playing. Dad, on the other hand has nothing better to do at the moment except stand there and get close to his son's face and keep repeating:
Dad: I want that carried downstairs now Son.
Son: Why? Give me one good reason that crap has to be carried down now.
TRAP ALERT: Yes you have a million good reasons for wanting that stuff carried down right now but don't give him anything other than that's just the way you want it done. That's it. Otherwise, he will debate you endlessly and probably win.
Dad: I need you to carry that stuff down now Son. It's time for carrying stuff not for asking questions.
Son: Give me one good reason why now?
Dad: You need to move that stuff now Son- that's the reason.
Son: That's not a reason.
Dad: You're right Son, I'm not giving much of a reason. I need it done now-that's the reason.
(notice the agreement, without backing down)
Dad: Nevertheless, you need to carry these plates and glasses down to the kitchen now, Son.
Another benefit: using the NOW word and having your teenager comply means that you are the dominant in-charge adult at your house. Now your teen will have accepted that. The more you do this kind of thing the more you establish yourself as the in charge-adult. More important issues like curfew, drug abuse, hanging with old friends, and disrespectful behaviors are going to be easier to approach because you now speak with the voice of authority.
Consider the other way: You nag nag nag your teenager to bring those cups downstairs. He says "OK later," but he never does it. The dishes stack up until one of two things happen. Either all your dishes are now in your teenager's bedroom or you go in and take them downstairs for him. Either way, he is in the dominant position of power and you are in the submissive position. Now you have given up the power seat and have given up the advantage when bigger issues such as curfew, drug abuse, and hanging with old friends comes along.
You tell him that he better straighten up and fly right. Why should he listen to you? You're the same parent who was not strong enough to get him to bring his dishes downstairs so there is no way he is going to come in when you say. He is the big dog of the house now and he knows it.
Whoever said "don't sweat the small stuff" might not have been working with defiant teenagers. It's important to sweat some of the small stuff. Although another way to look at this is that if those dishes in his room might attract bugs, that's not small stuff. If your teenager doesn't develop rountine housekeeping skills and habbits that's not small stuff either. If it's driving you crazy- it's not small stuff.
So get between your teenager and the TV he is watching. Take the cell phone he is texting on if that is going to get his attention. Stay with him until he gets off his butt and takes that garbage out. Sooner or later he will do those things just because he doesn't want you to pull the do it now thing on him and that's when you know two things. One: you are the one in charge. And two: you are teaching your teenager responsibility.
Original posted 3-25-10
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Letting Go ~ Gentle Thoughts from Joan
 As I heard all of us at the PSST Meeting on Saturday, with our various struggles, my mind kept going back to this piece from Melody Beattie. While this focuses on ‘letting go’ and rebuilding our own lives, I think it can also apply to our interactions with – and about - our children. We struggle to deal with our addicts and with our families, to communicate with the various caregivers who surround them, including the court and the probation officers, to learn about the disease and about the ways to address the disease and to cope with the effects. If we can try to do all of that, ‘in gentleness and peace’ it has to be better for each of us.
I do not know how to ‘go easy’ but I know in my heart that trying to do so – and succeeding in doing so on occasion - will make my life and the lives of those around me better in the long run.
Actually you and Rocco seem to be ‘going easy’ at least much of the time. I aspire to that, and I thank you for sharing all that you do with all of us. You can feel free to share any of this with PSST.
Joan
Language of Letting Go - April 1
You are reading from the book "The Language of Letting Go"
Going Easy
Go easy. You may have to push forward, but you don't have to push so hard. Go in gentleness - go in peace.
Do not be in so much of a hurry. At no day, no hour, no time are you required to do more than you can do in peace.
Frantic behaviors and urgency are not the foundation for our new way of life.
Do not be in too much of a hurry to begin. Begin, but do not force the beginning if it is not time. Beginnings will arrive soon enough.
Enjoy and relish middles, the heart of the matter.
Do not be in too much of a hurry to finish. You may be almost done, but enjoy the final moments. Give yourself fully to those moments so that you may give and get all there is.
Let the pace flow naturally. Move forward. Start. Keep moving forward. Do it gently, though. Do it in peace. Cherish each moment.
Today, God, help me focus on a peaceful pace rather than a harried one. I will keep moving forward gently, not frantically. Help me let go of my need to be anxious, upset, and harried. Help me replace it with a need to be a peace and in harmony.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
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We had another terrific turnout Saturday for our PARENT SURVIVAL SKILLS TRAINING (PSST) Meeting on March 19th, held at a new location the Mount Lebanon United Methodist Church. We are thankful to Kathie T. and Val K. for finding this roomy new location which is only ten blocks down the road from the old meeting place.
 We thank Mount Lebanon United Methodist Church for the use of their facility. This is another example of how MLUMC has been serving the South Hills for 100 years. Since the church usually asks for a twenty five dollar donation.
Rocco and I and some other members thought it would be good to skip buying donuts and other treats for the next PSST Meeting and use the money to donate to the church.
The meeting was led by Val and Lloyd from Allegheny County Probation and Family Therapists Kathie from Wesley Spectrum Services. Also joining us were Candice and Larissa from Allegheny County Probation.
The meeting was attended by 17 caring parents representing 11 families.
We began the meeting by having each parent give a brief summary of how their children are doing and how they are doing.
Rocco and Sally kicked off the meeting talking about our 18 year old son Cisco. Cisco has been in and out of a number of facilities since June 2009. Some programs he completed and some he walked away from. His latest program is at an adult facility where we hope that he is starting to “get it”. What we have learned in almost two years is that we didn’t cause Cisco’s addiction problem, we cannot control Cisco’s addiction and we can’t cure Cisco’s addiction. It is his recovery and it is for him to work on it. We are here and will assist him in every way we can but Sally and I need to refocus on us and keeping our lives in order.
Cisco talks about coming home or getting an apartment and living on his own. We have tried to make it clear to him that he will need to get some sort of training or skill to make enough money to be able to afford to live on his own. We would like for him to come home while he completes his training. We have discussed that if he wants to come home that he will need to stay on Juvenile Probation for a while. If he wants to be off of Juvenile Probation then he will need to stay at the halfway house or some other facility. We are currently going to counseling as a family to smooth this transition out.
Thanks to Kathie & Cathie and Lloyd & Val for helping us get to the point that we are at and thanks to all of all of our friends at PSST for their support.
Marie, a veteran PSST mom returned accompanied by her Mom (one of our veteran PSST Grandparents), and her older son, Raymond.
Marie’s younger son Robert is in recovery and has been clean for almost 2 years. Robert has a good job and has been living on his own.
Robert, like many of our teens in recovery, still has some behavior and anger issues in addition to working his recovery. Because of these issues he has been told that he needs to find a new place to live. He has asked Marie if he can move back home.
Marie, like many parents of children in recovery, loves her son and will continue to help him in his recovery. Never-the-less she has determined that moving back home with her is not an option at this time. Not even for a short time while he makes new living arrangements.
This is not an uncommon thing for those in recovery and their loved ones. It does not mean that either of them loves each other any less; it means that they cannot live together in the same place. Sometimes even short visits can be tough to handle (See the role play near the end of the post concerning this).
For now Robert will need to work his housing issue out on his own. Marie’s will need to work on how to say no and sticking with her final answer. Fortunately Marie has the support of her mother and her other son. Many parents find other family members not understanding their feelings and in the worst case opposing them.
It was good to see you again Marie as well as your mom and your son. We are always here to support you or to just listen to you when you need us.
Jenn and Brad where up next. Their 14 year old son Dylan has already entered the juvenile justice system one year ago. His defiant behavior unfortunately has not subsided. Recently they had to call in the police when Dylan became agitated and began to break the furniture. Charges are pending against Dylan which they hope will give teeth to the Act 53 charges they are going to file.
After this altercation Dylan did something noteworthy; he called the police on himself. It seems that his mom told him of course he could not got to the mall with his friends after this. So Dylan decided it was a good idea to call 9-1-1 to tell them that his mom was trying to stop him from going to the mall. The 9-1-1 call resulted in the police returning quickly to the home they had just been at. Dylan was taken to the local hospital for a check-up and released to Jenn and Brad. He was good for a couple of days before he was kicked out of the mall and told Jenn and Brad that he was not going to attend his outpatient program.
Jenn and Brad asked for the input of the other parents at the meeting on their feelings on trying an outpatient program vs inpatient program for their son. As we went around the room I believe it was pretty much unanimous that he definitely needs an inpatient program not just for his own good but for the safety and the sanity of Jenn and Brad.
Placing our teen into an inpatient recovery program is difficult but we pretty much know, as Jenn and Brad do, that it is the correct thing to do. We all want to handle our child ourselves but it becomes more and more apparent that we need to turn this over to recovery professionals to help us. Note: We are not turning over parental control to them, in fact parent’s participation and involvement is critical to helping your child in their recovery.
Jenn and Brad, please accept our assurance that this is the right thing to do and we are here to support you through the process. No system is perfect and results vary but it is the best thing you can do at this time for your son and for yourselves.
Our next parent was Wilma. Wilma’s son Bam-Bam has some mental health issues that, until he is clean for an extended time, will be tough to unravel. She thinks that he has used Acid, K-2 Spice and alcohol. Little by little Bam-Bam is trying to take back the power in their home. Their attempt at Cyber School is not working (it rarely does for our substance abusing teens). Bam-Bam’s home counselor agrees that he is not doing what he needs to do.
Basically Bam-Bam is not in a good place. The only one who is not getting it, or who doesn’t want to accept that their teen needs additional help, is her husband Fred. His preferred solution is that the problems will resolve themselves and just go away. Unfortunately this solution has a 99% +failure rate and generally leads to bigger problems.
Wilma is probably going to need to move forward on her own to save her son’s life and Fred will need to get on board when he can catch up. Please Note: The longer you wait to work on a recovery solution with your child the harder their recovery becomes; resulting in a greater likelihood of permanent disability, and possibly death. Do not underestimate the seriousness of this disease.
You are doing a good job Wilma. Thanks for your contributions to the blog.
Alice has become a PSST Pro-Parent in a short time along with her husband Ralph. Around a year ago they came to their first PSST meeting with their two sons involved in drug use and other legal problems. They had a pretty good idea of what direction they needed to go to help their sons in their recovery but came to PSST for some assistance on how to actually get there.
Their 16 year old son Ed completed his inpatient recovery program and his 90 in 90. Well Alice clarified it was more like 90 in 4-1/2 months never-the- less he did it.
She noted that Ed has been working on gaining his parents trust. During a recent approved weekend away they asked him to call in periodically just to check in. Ed complied and checked in 5 times.
Their older son Norton, 19, chose to leave the area rather than face up to his drug and legal problems about 6 months ago. He has contacted Alice and Ralph about possibly returning home. They explained to him that he would need to deal with his legal problems and his drug recovery prior to discussing his return. Detaching is very difficult however Alice and Ralph understand that they do not want a return to the same chaotic lifestyle they had prior to coming to PSST.
Alice and Ralph are a good example of how in less than a year with PSST they were able to turn their lives around by refocusing on their own well being.
Candy’s daughter Tori has been in her recovery program since last summer when Candy and her husband Aaron had the courage to stand up in court to save her life. They did everything they could to see that their daughter Tori was placed back into an inpatient recovery program.
Tori has done well but recently is having some behavior problems in the halfway house she is in. She told her mom she has to get out of the program. She told her “I’m sorry that I’m letting you down.” Candy replied “You’re not letting me down, you’re letting yourself down.”
Lloyd agreed that this was a good way to handle the situation. Our teens work hard in their recovery and their treatments bring out a lot of feelings. We can feel for our teen but we cannot approve of bad behavior or even indicate to them that it is okay to act out. This again requires us to detach from our teen and refocus on what is best for their recovery and not on our emotions. This is not the easy thing to do.
Thanks for being part of PSST Candy. You continue to show everyone what it means to stand up for your daughter and your family.
Our next PSST pro-mom Daisy has a 15 year old son Ozzie. He has been home from inpatient recovery, on an electronic monitor (i.e. ankle bracelet), for 12 days and 3 hours and counting. On the good side Ozzie has been clean for 6 months. On the bad side his behavior went right back down near zero in his quest for power as soon as he returned home. He has repeated warned anyone that will listen that his mom drives him crazy and that she will cause him to flip out. He had been away for about 6 months, and Daisy feels "like he never left"
This called for a visit from Ozzie’s P.O. (Daisy’s pit bull on a leash). The P.O. allowed Ozzie to vent and then let him in on a secret – “The doors at Shuman Juvenile Detention Center swing both ways.” He suggested to Ozzie that he had not been all that comfortable with him coming home but decided to go along with his counselors and his mom. He wasn’t sure that he was all that ready to be back home from placement and is ready at any time to send him back in. He challenged Ozzie to prove him wrong.
This has given Daisy a temporary reprieve but eventually he will slip back to his daily tantrums. This is when Daisy will need to step up and let him know that he is not in power and she can change her mind also.
This once more goes back to “detachment or refocus” from your teen. As Daisy and the rest of us will testify this is very easy advice to give and it is easy to role play at the meetings but it is really difficult to live continuously at home when facing our teens. Remember these girls and boys are master manipulators and will do whatever it takes to get the power back. That includes threatening, pleading, bargaining, lying and “Flipping Out”.
We have got to learn to allow our children to fail (again easy to say). Never-the-less you will drive yourself, and probably the rest of your family, insane if you try to clear every little twig and pebble out of your child’s path. They have got to learn to pick themselves back up when they fall. You can be there when they cry for help. You might even be there to catch then as they start falling. However you cannot be there 24/7 to watch their every step.
You have done a great job saving your son Daisy but unfortunately he has a way to go yet. Hang in there – we are all here to back you up when you need it.
Brigitte and Francoise are newer PSST parents. Their son Pierre has been in an inpatient recovery program for a few weeks. Because of his deliberate drug use and his attitude his parents filed charges to get him onto juvenile probation. As his recovery has progressed Pierre is getting easier to talk with and he is able to discuss his issues. They accompanied him on his visit with his Public Defender and things are going better than they thought it would. They are both “cautiously optimistic”.
Brigitte and Francoise you are taking tough steps but are progressing well. Remember that recovery is not a cure but a lifetime process and please try not to be discouraged on the bad days. Your son will have his ups and downs but now he knows you are serious about helping him with his recovery. Now it is up to him to work the program.
Brigitte and Francoise we at PSST have been there and done that, and will continue to be there for you, too.
Becky and Tom first came to their first PSST meeting last October but Becky had studied the PSST Blog ahead of time and had already successfully used the PSST "Cold Water Wake-Up Method" on their 16 year old son Syd who didn't want to get up for school.
Syd has been doing well in the halfway house and is scheduled to come home this week. Of course Becky and Tom are apprehensive, as all of us are when our teens return home but they are looking into an alternative school and will put their best PSST detachment skills to the test.
As mentioned above, your son will have his ups and downs but now he knows you are serious about helping him with his recovery. Now it is up to him to work the program.
Becky and Tom you two have come a long way in a short time and we are here to help you stay on track.
Rose's son Joe is an addict whose drug of choice is "robotripping" - using over the counter cough/cold meds in combinations that produce a high. He has been in the system and has not lived at home for two years.
Rose used to be the poster mom for “Moms that don’t want to let go of their kids.” She is finally getting the detachment thing.
She has had good visits with Joe and Joe is scheduled for his first home pass on April 1. Rose has would love to go to a hockey game with Joe or something similar, but she has made no plans yet for the visit. Rose is looking forward to Joe’s visit but knows that many things can happen before Joe gets his home pass (mostly because of consequences of his own actions).
We have discussed behavior previously and the possibility of our kid’s relapses and acting out to be cries for help. It may be that they are not ready to face the world on their own yet.
On a better note she said he is doing well with school and is still scheduled to graduate with his high school class. But once again she is not making plans at this time.
Rose you have had a rough couple of years but you have done all you could to keep your son clean and alive. While the struggles are not be over he is doing as well as he is because of you.
Kitty's younger 18 year old son Carlyle has come home from his inpatient program. He is doing well and Kitty feeling good but is prepared to take whatever action needed to help him into his recovery. She can accept that it is his recovery and it is his choice.
Kitty’s older son Cat is a heroin addict in a 1/2 way house. Once again she recognizes that the only thing she can do is wait and see if he is ready to accept his recovery program. She has made it clear to him that while she loves him and will assist him in his recovery, she will not enable him including the fact that he is not going to be allowed to return home again.
We can all learn from you, Kitty. Thanks for becoming part of PSST.
Jessica has a son we call Herman. Herman has a couple of months in his inpatient recovery program. Jessica and her husband Roger have made it clear to Herman that a whole new world awaits him when he returns home. First off he has lost his own bedroom and will be bunking with his brothers. This includes all of his decorations.
They have had some okay visits recently, including a trip to the nearby mall, but Herman was pressing his mom that he wanted a 10 hour pass to come home. Jessica wasn’t really comfortable with this and as they discussed the new house rules Herman’s anger began to surface again. Jessica has no problem at this point asking her son if it is time to end their visits.
Remember this when you are visiting your teen at an inpatient facility – it is okay to get up and leave if your visit is not going well. As noted above your teen will have a lot of different feelings during their treatment and there is no need to prolong a bad visit. Don’t take it personally but do take the time to report both good and bad visits to their counselors. It will help the counselors determine how well your child is really doing.
As it turned out Herman was not a candidate for a 10 hour pass. And as it turns out, under the terms of the program he is not allowed to leave the county that he is in so he couldn’t do a home pass anyways. We did let Jessica know that there is a nice park with some really nice dog runs a couple of exits down from the recovery facility. Have fun with your new puppy. What was his name...
...Shuman?
Hang in there Jessica. As you and Roger know recovery is not a walk in the park.
This Week’s Role Play
This week’s role play concerned a mom telling her son in recovery that he cannot return home. We have several former and current PSST Parents that have this issue.
As noted above; these parents love their child and want to continue to assist their child in any way they can in their recovery but this does not include them returning home. There are various reasons for this and not all of it is about drug & alcohol use. For whatever reason some people can get along wonderfully when they are not living together but they butt heads if they spend more than a day together.
For this role play Marie played the Son and Lloyd played the Mom.
Son: So mom listen I got to get out of the apartment so I am going to move back home for a couple of days.
Mom: No son, you know we have talked about this before...
Son: Mom, I know that, this is not like I am moving back in like forever. I just need a place for a couple of days until I have a new place to move into.
Mom: Nope you will need to find another place to stay.
Son: C’mon mom I just need a place to sleep, I am at work all day. Look I will sleep on the couch I won’t even unpack my bag…
Mom: I’m sorry honey you will need to call one of your friends.
Son: You don’t have any idea what I am going through mom. All I need is a couple of nights until I can find a place. What is your problem? Why can’t I come home?
Mom: Even if I could explain it you wouldn’t get it. So there is no reason to keep on discussing this. I know it is hard to find somewhere to stay but you cannot come here. We are like oil and water together. If you cannot find a friend try a motel for a couple of days. There is that place across the highway from your workplace.
Son: That dive? You want me to stay in that dump? C'mon mom, it will different this time…
Mom: The answer is still no. Now listen, I am not willing to go through it again. You will need to find another place to stay. If you need me to pay for a night or two I can. I can help you out but that is it.
The point here is for the mom to stand firm and clear “No, you cannot stay here. Not even for one or two nights.” Do not take the guilt. At least minimize your guilt; you have been through this before. You cannot get along with your son or daughter in the same house. It is not going to suddenly change. Offer some support. Keep on track; "No you cannot stay here." Do not get into a lengthy discussion of why or why not.
They have put themselves in a bad situation and they need to work their way out of it. You cannot continue to bail them out of the trouble they continue to get themselves in. You cannot return to your co-dependency issues again.
The issue of suicide threats came up here in the discussion.
As always we recommend that you take any and all threats of suicide seriously (no matter how many times they have done it before).
In this case it does not mean letting him use this threat to let him come back home – letting him get his way is not a solution - he can commit suicide at home just as well as anywhere else.
If your son or daughter attempts or threatens suicide get them to the nearest emergency room as soon as possible for an evaluation. If they will not cooperate with you call 9-1-1 and get help.
TO BE CONTINUED
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| Justin Innocent, Kathie, Carol Nelson (her Supervisor). |
At a huge luncheon banquet today Wesley Spectrum recognized Kathie Tagmyer with the first ever prestigious "Therapist in Action" award. I was asked to speak about how very special Kathie T is to Probation, PSST and to all the people that she has helped. Actually, there are so many wonderful important things to say about Kathie I have been worried that I had not really done justice to Kathie although the whole affair appeared to go really well.
It was also a celebration of Black History Month and the keynote speaker was Judge Kim Berkeley Clark. I wish I could post Judge Clark's speech. The Judge is an excellent and thrilling speaker. The Judge spoke about diversity- women and people of color. Her message was that women and people of color have come a long way but there is much yet to do and a longer road to travel before equality is reached.
Kathie T was very gracious as she accepted her award and spoke very briefly about how she is only one person and how Juvenile Probation and the team of therapists that she has assembled deserve recognition as much as she does. I think PSST parents who have worked with Kathie or one of Kathie's team of therapists know how very much Kathie deserved this award. Any parents who have met Kathie at one of meetings also understands why she has won this awesome recognition.
It was between four and five years ago that Kathie began to work with Val and I in PSST. The parent of the first case that Kathie and I ever worked together came to PSST and raved about how helpful Kathie was to her. Since then, PSST parents have been requesting Kathie like crazy. Of course, since Kathie could not work with everyone she has assembled a dream team of therapists that like working Kathie-style.
I told one story about an actual PSST meeting where it was very helpful to have a Kathie the therpist at our meeting. I kind of told it wrong, so I want to retell it here and get it right. It's much easier to write than speak; there's no rewriting when you speak.
We were finding out from one of our PSST parents how her son acts when he is angry. She was acting his part in a role-play. Suddenly she stood straight up, grabbed the chair she was sitting on and threw it down on the ground. I think it was me that asked her, "what happened next?" She said, "Well I threw something too because I couldn't let him be more powerful than me.!"
There was a big pause, because no one in group really knew what to say to that! We didn't want to critisize her after she shared all that but then Kathie jumped in with this comment, "How's that working for you?" It was the perfect way to get us all back on track without chastizing her. Later, I took the lady aside and thanked her for her participation but cautioned that next time she can just tell us the part where her son is destructive, no need to actally break up the place!
I also mentioned that Kathie has always had a knack of doing assessments and people feel like they finally have help to reach the goals that they had before they met Kathie. In fact, that's what Kathie did with me in the first place. I had a plan to empower parents so that they could provide better supervision to thier own troubled youth. Kathie came up with ways to help reach those goals and I must say, with Kathie's help this job has become a whirlwind adventure.
In the end I claimed Kathie not only as an extemely talented professional but also as a great friend of mine.
Thanks Kathie for all that you do for all of us and we know you'll keep on saving lives with your analytical skills, your encyclopedic knowlege, your unmatched connections, your leadership, your ethics including your unbelivable work ethic, and your creativity. PSST is so lucky to claim you as ours!
Thanks also to Kulsum Davidsom, Program Director who invited Valerie and I to this luncheon. Also, Kulsum Davidsom is retiring and she was given a very prestigious award herself. I know that she will be sorely missed at Wesley Spectrum. Among other award winners, James Reiland, former Director of both Adult and Juvenile Probation won a Black History Award.
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HELPING
My role as helper is not to DO things for the person I am trying to help, but to BE things; not to try to control and change his actions, but through understanding and awareness, to change my reactions.
I will change my negatives to positives: my fear to faith, contempt for what he does to respect for the potential within him; hostility to understanding; and manipulation or over-protectiveness to release with love, not trying to make him fit a standard or image, but giving him an opportunity to pursue his own destiny, regardless of what his choice may be.
I will change my dominance to encouragement; panic to serenity; the inertia of despair tot he energy of my own personal growth; and self-justification to self-understanding.
SELF-PITY BLOCKS EFFECTIVE ACTION. The more I use my energy in mulling over the past with regret, or in trying to figure ways to escape a future that has yet to arrive. Projecting and image of the future and anxiously hovering over it, for fear that it will or it wont come true uses all of my energy and leaves me unable to live today.
YET living today is the only way to have a life.
I WILL HAVE NO THOUGHTS FOR THE FUTURE ACTIONS OF OTHERS, neither expecting them to be better or worse as time goes on, for in such expectations I am trying to create. I will love and let be.
ALL PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS CHANGING. If I try to judge them, I do so only on what I THINK I know of them, failing to realize that there is much I do not know. I will give others credit for attempting to progress and for having had many victories which are unknown.
I, TOO, AM ALWAYS CHANGING, and I can make that change a constructive one, If i am willing . I CAN CHANGE MYSELF.
Others , I can only love.
Click on Families Anonymous for more information.
Families Anonymous meets every Tuesday evening 6:00 - 7:30 p.m. at:
Gateway Rehab Squirrel Hill
5818 Forbes Ave, Pittsburgh, PA 15217
Click Here For Map
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Our new spot is just ten blocks down Washington Road from our old meeting place. It's at the corner of West Liberty Ave (which is also called Washington Road) and Scott Rd. The parking lot is sandwiched between Scott Rd and Peermont Ave. Lot's of parking. We have a small stage, a plug for a coffee pot, bathroom down the hall, and believe it or not a piano!
BULLETIN: Jessica, our PSST Star, was having a dreadfully awful day with her son, Baby Herman. She was feeling exhausted. However, she did not succumb to enabling.... instead she plugged into her creative juices and wrote the following PSST Theme Song! Way to GO JESS! Sung to: Those Were the Days from All in the Family
Boy! The way our children played,
never heard the laughter fade.
Parents like us we had it made
Those were the days.
Didn't need no home drug screen
Everybody tested clean
Gee how easy life had been (said as bean to rhyme sorry)
Those were the days.
And you knew where they where then
Curfew was 'tween 9 and 10
Mister, we didn't need a man like Lloyd Woodward back then.
Children seemed to be content
Dollars were for candy spent
Never had our money lent
Those were the days.
Take a little time for me
Saturdays at P.S.S.T
Great support for families
These are the days.
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One of our PSSTechies took a closer look at the New PSST Mt Lebo Location Pix and spotted what appears to be a PSST Parent holding a Bulldog on a leash. Click on the picture to get a closer look.
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PSST Meeting Recap - March 12 - Wexford
Today's meeting was led by PSST power couple Cheryl and Jim, assisted by Val Ketter from Juvenile Probation, and Kathie T from Wesley Spectrum Services.
Absent in body only (attendance to this meeting was via text to Val) was Lloyd Woodward, at home healing up. Lloyd, we missed you and hope you will be with us next meeting at Mount Lebanon United Methodist Church!
Cheryl and Jim started the weekly update with a progress report on son Andy. He is still in his half-way house doing well...he was voted "Peer of the Week"!! He is currently a "level 2", and his medical situation is being monitored. All is well at this time, and all of us pray that it continues to be so!
Daisy's son Ozzie came home from placement. He has been gone for about 6 months, and Daisy feels "like he never left"...I am sure that is a common experience for many parents when their kid comes home after a long time out of the house...re-entry is difficult. Ozzie is really testing Daisy to see if in fact she has changed, and if he has any power at home any more. Daisy is using her best PSST techniques as much as possible. As a matter of fact, before Daisy could respond to one of Ozzie's requests, he said "and don't use that 'I'm not comfortable' stuff...that's PSST!!" Little pitchers have big ears...the darlings. Daisy, what you are going through now is tough, but all of us at PSST are here to support you....You WILL get through this tough period!
Michael, Max and Mel's oldest, decided to try life on his own and moved out of the house a week ago. It was an amicable decision; Michael wants to live on his terms, not having to follow house rules. Max and Mel said "if that's what you really want to do, we won't stop you". Currently he is couch surfing, not attending school, but very responsible at work, which he loves. In fact, all he really wants to do is work so he can sometime soon get an apartment. He keeps his parents posted by text messages, although they are becoming less frequent. Max and Mel are waiting and watching, hoping that sometime (sooner rather than later) Michael has an epiphany that will help him figure out what he really wants and how to obtain it, in a safe way. Michael knows how much he is loved and that he is welcome home anytime, as long as he follows house rules.
Rocco and Sally's Cisco is at a "different level with his addiction", according to Rocco. Cisco has been more honest lately, even admitting to having broken house rules, which resulted in a lock-down, and him missing a family reunion. Rocco and Sally have seen maturity in Cisco; he wants to buy his own cell phone, and rebuffed Sally's offer of help. His anger, once a huge issue, has been well under control. The family really likes Cisco's counselor, who has advised family counseling NOW, before Cisco comes home; this will aid in a smoother transition when it is time for Cisco to come home - after being out of the home almost 2 years! Rocco and Sally, you guys are The Little Engine That Could!
Kitty is cautiously optimistic regarding son Carlyle's imminant discharge from his rehab. She says, "last year at this time, I didn't see my kids at all; now I'm out in Aliquippa 3 times a week"! Her older son, Cat, is also at a half-way house on the same campus. Kitty knows that although things seem good, her son knows how to push her buttons, and vice-versa. Kitty has been dealing with her older son's addiction for several years, so I will call her a veteran, even though she has only just started coming to PSST meetings. She has managed to "detach with love" from her 2 kids, and has made taking care of herself a priority. We all have to learn how to do this, and most of us agree, it is one of the most difficult things we have to do. Kitty, any advice would be most welcome!
Angela's daughter Samantha was just discharged from her RTF after being there for 90 days. She continues there to finish high school as well as a partial program. Samantha wants to go back to her home high school, but that is out of the question.
Angela has given Samantha back her phone, as well as monitored use of the computer. She is under house arrest. It is difficult and stressful being home with this teen; it has been a struggle every day, according to Angela.
Her husband will be out of town for a week, and the prospect of going at this alone is frightening...she needs "Chuck Norris to move in"!
Angela, I think you and Daisy ought to meet for coffee! On a good note - Angela overheard Samantha talking on the phone to one of her "old" friends that was one of her main contacts. She told him "I won't be talking to you for at least 90 days."
She got that one right!
Posey's son Thor had decided to leave the house about 3 weeks ago. It has been very stressful as she didn't know where he was. He suddenly showed up again; he failed a drug test at his alternative school, and Posey was called to pick him up. Thor said he wanted to come home, and Posey, being a good PSST-er, said "if you want to live here, you have to follow the rules". He slept in his bed - not the sofa or the basement - for the first time in a long while. Posey, are we living parallel lives? Am I your doppleganger? Michael liked to sleep on the sofa too....
Francoise and Brigitte have their hands and hearts full of son Pierre. He has just started his inpatient program, and prior to this, they were unsure as to whether or not a PO was needed. As we often say in PSST, the kid will show you exactly what he needs; they practically ask for it.
A while ago, Francoise and Brigitte removed Pierre's bedroom door as a consequence. Before going to inpatient, in a defiant move, Pierre proceeded to smoke weed in his bedroom for all to see - no doubt he was telling his parents "in your face, Mere et Pere!" (though not said that nice, and probably not in French).
This left no doubt in anyone's mind that a PO will be necessary upon Pierre's discharge.
Now, there is much anxiety, because when they tell him this, he will no doubt become enraged. This is true, but Francoise and Brigitte have something important on their side; they are telling this tough news to Pierre while he is in patient. This is the best atmosphere in which to give difficult news to a difficult kid; the parents will be supported and protected, and Pierre will get the help he needs from his counselors when they see how he reacts and acts out.
Many of our kids are the "perfect patient" when they go in patient. The counselors report "what a great kid! He is really cooperative!" and don't see what we see at home. It is important that they have a true understanding what the parents are up against; all the rants and raves and knocking down chairs while they are in a facility HELPS your situation, and actually helps them get the help they really need...don't fear it!
F & B, we are looking forward to hearing the outcome of this showdown. We have all been there and done that, and will continue to be there for you, too.
The Kramdons joined us today, and as always had interesting stories to share.
Ralph gave kudos to Lloyd..he apparently predicted that older son Norton, who ran away to his birth family out of the country, would make contact in 6 months. Well, it was 6 months and one week that Norton emailed Ralph saying "dad, I want to come home".
Lloyd was then dubbed "The Oricle Of Juvenile Probation", and "A Sage" (none of this, by the way, is good for Lloyds head..).
All jokes aside, the Kramdons knew, even as Norton pulled on heartstrings, that this could be just a cry for money and not a real desire to return. Norton has legal issues; if he were to really come back, he would be on probation, dealing with court, fines, and possible jail time.
In his email Norton suggested that Ralph "fly down and meet" him, another signal. The Kramdons stood tough and refused to enable. If Norton really wants to come home, face his charges and make amends with his folks, he will find a way to get home by hisself, without help from Ralph and Alice. A painful, but very wise decision by the Kramdons.
On a happier note, son Ed continues to do well at home and school. As any normal teen, Ed is ready for more freedom, but Alice and Ralph are dubious. There needs to be more action on Ed's part to earn back their trust. Ed is trying to figure out how he can do this - more phone calls to check in for a start. The Kramdons reward these efforts by giving him "little nuggets of supervised freedom".
Jenn and Brad's son Dylan was recently released from an acute mental health program. They have been having family based counseling which seemed to be going well.
After returning to his home school, he "blew up" in class; all were in agreement when the decision was made to send Dylan back to the alternative school where he just left - he also has friends there which made it easy for him.
On the short break between the two schools, Dylan "had to celebrate". He became out of control and manipulative; When his parents showed up to get him at the appointed time, he said "I'm not ready yet, come back at 2 a.m.".
Wisely his parents said no. As luck would have it the police were called to the home of the party where Dylan was. There were underage kids drinking, and no adults present. Dylan was released to his parents, totally un-phased.
A magistrate hearing was set up, in part to "scare Dylan straight" - one would think a small taste of the legal system would frighten most teens. Not so in this case (I had the same situation with my younger son! Read Max and Mel's Terrible Adventure Part I & II)
Dylan announced "I'm not going to listen to anyone, I am doing whatever I want, I can't commit to any rules".
Although Jenn and Brad have a nice relationship with the local police, who show up when needed for some support, Dylan needs more; the plan is Act 53; a wise move. Dylan does have mental health issues, but drugs and/or alcohol can easily exacerbate the situation. When the teen is clean for a reasonable period, mental health services can better diagnose and treat the patient.
For more information on Act 53 and if it is right for you, there is more on this blog. Enter it into the search bar, or look on the left to older posts.
In the meantime, Jenn and Brad, we are with you in your difficult journey. Hang in there, you are not alone.
Wilma has her hands full (who in this group doesn't, I ask?); not only is Bam-Bam not cooperative in his treatment (he refused to "perform" for his drug test, and doesn't want his parents at family night), her spouse Fred is not on the same parenting page (although he did make some delicious cookies the other week, it is not a substitute!).
Wilma decided to drug test her son herself, and he was positive for weed. Wilma rightfully wanted to ground Bam-Bam until he tested negative, to which Bam replied "but that means 30 days!!" Fred sadly chimed in "I think that's too long, too!". Wilma has had enough and wants to press charges. Val advised her to proceed with Act 53.
We noted a few things at this point. One is, there is more than one parent amongst us who has to go it alone, without the full support of the spouse. This is difficult and painful to do, but it has been done.
Kudos to Jane, who stood up in court more than once to get son Elroy in treatment. Val, who was present, praised her for the great job she did. No one means to suggest that the enabling parent doesn't love their kid. They love them a lot. They just haven't seen the PSST light!
Once you see the truth about manipulations and what constitutes enabling, you can't go back!
Another discussion ensued regarding adoption. Of the PSST parents present, several have adopted kids with issues.
Why is that so? A few responses; kids having kids who then place those babies for adoption, no doubt had issues of their own. Perhaps they were involved with drugs or alcohol, had ADD or other mental health issues, which made them more impulsive with partners and less likely to have "safe protected sex".
This isn't true in all cases, but many. So our adopted kids have some inherited biological tendencies that we ourselves never had to deal with.
Nurture AND Nature makes up a person. We all are doing our best on the nurture side of things, but as we all know there are some things we cannot change. The Serenity Prayer works well about now.
Our final family before our break was Jane and son Elroy. Elroy is doing well at his RTF. Jane is pleased but cautious, as she knows her son can say what eveyone wants to hear, although she does see some positive changes.
At the latest family meeting, George, who is another spouse that isn't always on Janes page, attended. The excercise was "write your son's obituary". The kid had to write their own, which was thought provoking. Jane stood up to read hers, and cried all the way through it like most moms would, citing the things Elroy had meant to her.
Georges turn; he said "Elroy won't be missed by anyone, or known for anything because of all his stupid mistakes". Jane was horrified - how could George be so heartless?
Suddenly all the other dads in the room were "high-fiving" George for "speaking the truth". When Elroy was asked how he felt about his dad's obituary, he thought for a moment and said "it's true". Jane thought about this and realized that her husband may have said something constructive after all; maybe he did get through to Elroy.
She went home to acknowledge a good point made by George.
Some of us parents, mostly the moms get very emotional and protective of our kids, and when some spouses jump in with a harsher tone, with no thought if it will hurt anyone's feelings, we become upset with our spouse. We hate to admit it, but sometimes that is the more appropriate approach with our kids.
BREAK TIME - We took a short break for some coffee, tea, cookies and other treats and some interesting discussions.
PLAY TIME - We did a role play about handling a son who has returned home from a few months in a Recovery Treatment Facility. Mom is finding out that old line "The more things change, the more they stay the same" to be truer than she hoped for.
Our teens returning home for a visit (especially our teens returning home for good) is a source of anxiety for most parents. It can trigger our co-dependency addiction days, even weeks, prior to them even coming home, no matter how well they have done in their recovery program. It is important to you to have a plan with a contract in place ahead of time.
Quite frankly not all recovery programs do very well in preparing parents or their child for their return home. This is where PSST comes in - come to our meetings and learn how to prepare and stick to your plan. Of course things will rarely go the way you plan, never-the-less you will have the whole group here to listen to you, support you and help you through this tough time.
So the role play was a son returning home (on electronic home monitoring a.k.a. ankle bracelet) pushing the boundaries and generally test his mom to see if he gain the power back in their home. In this role play he wants to know why he can't have a cell phone of his own (Hint: He already knows why but he is going to badger his mom about it until she breaks down)
Son: ...but mom I need a phone! I am going nuts in this house with no friends to talk to!!!"
Mom: Sorry, you know we can't do that, you know that you can't have a cell..."
Son: "Man, you sound just like that stupid P.O.! What are you like one of his zombies? I am going to flip out here mom, you can't expect me not to talk to anyone except you!!!"
Mom: Listen I know it is going to be a really tough 90 days but that's what we agreed to, it's what is in our contract."
Son: That stupid @ss contract is worth sh*t mom, that's just some bullsh*t that that goofy P.O. wants..."
Mom: "Honey I am not comfortable with you having..."
Son: "Mom! That's more of that stupid P.O. bullsh*t! That I'm not comfortable crap! Don't you remember mom, I was there the night he came and talked to the parents. I heard all of his sh*t talk..."
Mom: "Listen, I understand that you are going to have a hard time with this, never the less it is our contract and we will stick to it and that includes no cell phone."
Son: "Mom I am going to flip out here! If I can't talk to my fiends then I am going to leave! I am just going to walk out of here! This is worse than my RTF, I had it easier in my RTF! You are like my biggest trigger, if I flip out it is going to be all your fault! I would rather be back in my RTF..."
Mom: (Remaining calm) "Your right I probably am your biggest trigger and guess what you are my biggest trigger too. Like I said, we knew this was not going to be easy. It is not easy for me or you. I would love to be able to give you things that you want but you know that is my issue, enabling you. I need to stop enabling you. So the answer is no. Now listen I am going up to my room to relax. I need you to relax yourself, go watch TV, or read or something."
Mom ends the conversation and walks away.
Son: At first just standing there but then following his mom and crying: "I'm sorry mom. I'm sorry, I know I shouldn't get so angry mom. But listen I just get so upset..."
Mom: Stopping for just a minute: "I understand honey, now I am going to my room and I suggest that you go to your room and calm down."
Son: "But mom don't you understand..."
Mom: "Yes honey I really do understand. Right now I need some quiet time for me."
Son: "But mom just talk to me, we can work this out mom..."
Mom: "Son, do you see this space where my door used to be before you broke it off. Let's pretend it is still there and I am closing it. Now you go back to your room and pretend that you are closing your door that was there before I took it off and threw it away and just relax for a while."
Role plays are different from reality - most of us have experienced this.
Never-the-Less don't miss out on a chance to try them. They will help you to be prepared when reality strikes. The more you practice them the better you will be, not perfect, better. Thanks to our two veteran PSST Parents Max and Ralph for doing the role play - Max does a great recovering son and Ralph does a great mom!
Thanks as usual to our PSST Pro's for being there for us and for all of the PSST Parents that made it to the meeting.
Years ago, Sally and Rocco attended an elementary school meeting on self esteem and were told: “Your child has a big advantage in their life because you cared enough to attend this meeting.”
Although your son or daughter may be in a “bad place” right now they have a “big advantage” in their life because you cared enough to attend a PSST meeting.
More than likely your teenager will not grasp the “big advantage” concept. In all probability they will resent that you go to “those meetings where you are misled by that crazy dude.” Or as our kids put it so well "You guys belong to that PSST Cult!"
NEVERTHELESS they are in a better place because YOU DO CARE enough to try to save your child's life.
We all would like to sincerely thank Trinity Lutheran Church for the use of their first class facilities to allow PSST to empower parents of out-of-control teenagers. This is another great example of how Trinity Lutheran has been reaching out and serving Wexford and the northern suburbs since 1845.
We look forward to seeing more concerned parents at the next PSST Meeting ~ SAturday March 19 at the **NEW MT LEBANON LOCATION**
Mt Lebanon United Methodist Church
3319 West Liberty Avenue
Pittsburgh, PA 15216
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We talked a little about prescription drugs and our kids at the last PSST meeting. Last week I read an article in Readers Digest December 2010-January 2011 entitled Little.Legal.Lethal. about kids taking lethal combinations of prescription drugs and alcohol and how they think its safe since the drugs are legal. A small town had three deaths in the space of a couple of days and it was kids combining stuff like methadon, klonopin washed down with beer and dying.
