This is a comment on Sally's comment of Rocco's post On the Road Again. My comment was too long to be accepted by blogger so I turned it into a post. Her comment is reprinted in part below as it appears on "Oops, Problem With Blogger."
"I was sitting between Cisco and Rocco. Cisco was complaining and Rocco was nudging me and tapping my arm. This I know was Rocco's warning signal that I was getting sucked into Cisco's manipulation. I quickly came to my senses and when Cisco said, 'Maybe I'll walk away from here (this placement), I don't care what happens to me if I do.' I replied, 'That is your choice, you may want to think of the consequences.' I acted nonchalant. We left shortly after that and I had a sick feeling in my stomach. I don't want him to walk out of the program. I care."
It's so hard to do this detach-with-love thing. It would be helpful if we all had Rocco to nudge us when we are getting "sucked in." Yesterday, I did an assessment of a teen at Shuman who was very angry about the assessment. Still, she felt she had no choice but to "cooperate" so she responded with an attitude to every question I asked. I felt myself getting oppositional and that means that I was getting "sucked in."
It was only at the end of the interview that I started to agree with her that this assessment might be completely unnecessary, which had been her point that I had failed to appreciate all along. My failure to address that earlier in the interview kept the defiant wall up.
Of course, we still had to do the interview so my appreciation of that fact wouldn't have changed anything; however, had I jumped to that place with her earlier, it would might have lowered the wall that she had put up. Of course, it was a slippery slope. I had to be clear that if she did not participate that could look bad for her. Also, I didn't need her to tell people that she refused to cooperate in the assessment because even the guy doing the assessment thought that it was stupid. Traps to avoid here are obvious: if I don't acknowlege that it might be ridiculous to do the assessment then she remains defiant. On the otherhand, if I agree with that to heartily then I undermine the very assessment process. I struggled with it.
I know that it is not the same when you are parenting because it is your own teenager and therefore it is much much harder to detach. I offered this example only to emphasize the point that Sally made that we need to nudge each other when possible- because it's so hard to see it when when we are getting sucked in.
We can trust that life is such that when you wish that you would have used your "detach-with-love" skills to better effect, and you feel that you may have missed the opportunity, life will give you another crack at it soon enough.
With the nudging from Rocco, Sally was able to reply matter-of-factly and in a more business-like fashion. This sent Cisco the message that she would be OK if he decided to walk away from treatment. And that was the truth because she would be OK in the end. She choose to not highlight the fact that this would be a crushing blow. That's good because at that moment it didn't have to be all about Sally.
The way we respond also shapes the way we feel about situations so that we are not just hiding our feelings but we are in some measure shaping our feelings. Not 100 percent but still we are shaping to some degree the way we feel.
Consider this possible exchange:
Cisco: "Maybe I'll walk away from here (this placement) I don't care what happens to me if I do."
Sally: Sometimes we don't care what happens- you've been down that road before Cisco.
Cisco: That's the way I feel about it - I just don't care anymore.
Sally: Maybe you need to walk away. You know, I think you learned something when you walked away from your last program. Consequences can help us learn and consequences help us learn to care.
Sally: Have you thought that maybe you should just call Lloyd and ask him to move you to Shuman?
Cisco: Are you mental? I don't want to go to Shuman.
Sally: Oh, I'm sorry. I misunderstood. I thought you said the consequences didn't bother you.
Cisco: See, that's so messed up- I didn't say I wanted to go to Shuman- you're twisting what I'm saying- now I'm getting mad.
Sally: I know I can make you angry sometimes. I don't phrase things well.
Cisco: You can say that again.
Sally: Oops. Well, I'm happy that you do care about consequences. I think that shows how you've changed, you know, for the better. That is very adult when we think before we act. Good for you.
This helps to shape the way we feel: that something good can come out of both decisions: walk away or stay- both have lessons. I am reminded of the "Good News" post that Rocco put up after Cisco's relapse. Writing something like that helps shape the way we feel and, point-in-fact, Cisco would not today be in the great program that he is in if he were not to have relapsed.
Nudging
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Wednesday, September 29, 2010
On the road again - Summary of Sally and Rocco's Personal PSST Meeting.
Posted by:Rocco--Sunday, September 26, 2010
There was no regular PSST Meeting last weekend so Sally and Rocco took the PSST Meeting on the road. Actually we had our own meeting in our car on the way home from visiting Cisco.
Our 18 year old son, Cisco, has been a wannabe gangsta rapper since he was about 14. That is, coincidently, around the same time that he tried his first joint.
Who is to say that if he had continued to hang out with the “Preppie” kids, stayed in sports, been more spiritual and studied harder he would, or would not, be a teenage addict?
Well what if he was into to alternative rock, hip-hop, jazz or maybe even country music? Could Cisco have avoided alcohol? Should we have insisted that he could never play “Grand Theft Auto”, listen to rap music or log onto Facebook/My Space? Would he have never popped a pill? How about if we would have kept him in the smaller private school? Would he have never overdosed?
What was it that we could have done to make sure that Cisco did not become an addict?
We have beat ourselves up, from time to time, with all of these “what if’s”, “should of’s”, “would of’s” and “why didn’t we’s” for the last few years. To be honest I don’t think that there will ever be a time that these thoughts will ever go away completely.
What we have done is “detached with love”.
We are learning to accept that:
- We did not CAUSE his addiction
- We cannot CONTROL his addiction
- We cannot CURE his addiction
We did regain our SANITY when we stopped focusing on our son and began to focus on changing our own attitudes and behaviors.
So what we have today is an 18 year old son recovering from his addiction and his behavior problems and we, ourselves are in recovery from his addiction and behavior consequences and our own co-dependency issues.
We had a pretty good week with some ups and downs. We finally received word that Cisco earned his G.E.D. diploma. We made it to a couple of Gateway meetings, Sally had two new girls join her knitting class at Ridgeview and at the end of the week we received the word that Cisco was okay but he “needed” money and was letting everybody know that he would be using as soon as he was out of his program. Time to detach we need to remind ourselves.
On Sunday we had a visit with Cisco. We talked, had a few laughs and even got in a couple of games. It appears to be a good program for him; he seems to be accepting it and his anger and language are under control but he has only been there for 17 days.
Then towards the end of the visit he showed off some of his best manipulation skills (he is really good.)
He started with frustration and then tossed in a good helping of self pity (“Danger, Will Robinson! Danger. Detach, detach.”)
We know a lot of Cisco’s frustration comes from being in yet another program but Sally noticed something else worth mentioning. Cisco had told us early on in the visit that he had also invited some friends to come and visit. It turned out that one friend was working; one said they didn’t know how to get there and three others didn’t respond. And these are his “good” friends. It seems that the only ones he can count on to come and visit are mom and dad.
We did pretty well ourselves during the visit. We praised him for doing as well as he has, in a really tough program. We gave him a bit more for passing his G.E.D. Exams and earning his diploma. We attempted to talk a little about his future but agreed with him to concentrate on “one day at a time.”
When we finally got to the manipulation portion of the visit we were able to handle it well. We were able to find those little bits to agree with him. Yes, this is a tough program. Yes, you may not make it. Yes, you may relapse someday. Yes, you can return home someday (of course only if you are clean and sober and able to follow our rules.) Yes, we are here to help you with your recovery. Never the less you are the one who needs to accept and finish the program. You are the only one who can recover from your addiction.
As parents of addicts we tend to enable teens because we care. Out of our parental instincts to protect our child we think we are helping them. But enabling them is the worst thing that we can do for them. Remember that “Detaching” from our addicted teen is not the same thing as abandoning them. The idea is to still care for them while “Detaching Emotionally”.
Because you care for them does not mean that you are responsible for their addictive behavior and consequences. In other words: do not get all wrapped up emotionally by an addicts destructive behaviors.
This is difficult.
Practicing detachment should make it easier over time.
Only when addicted teens are faced with real consequences can they start to make a change.
At Parents Survival Skills Training (PSST) there is help for parents available in the form of free meetings with other families who are dealing with family addiction. The purpose of these meetings is to learn from one another how to stop being codependent and how to end enabling behavior.
PSST can assist you in the following ways to stop enabling behavior:
- Hold regular meetings for you and other parents of addicts.
- Direct you to professional help for yourself.
- Help you establish “Tough Love” consequences in your home.
- Show you how to stop providing money, privileges and excuses for your substance abuser.
- Provide a support system for you with other parents of addicts.
You must be cautioned, however, that there is a possibility of a long-term side effect in attending PSST Meetings: In time you will begin to regain your SANITY, and will begin to feel a sense of self-respect and peace despite any crisis you face.
If you have the same hopeless feeling that Sally and Rocco felt just about one year ago please give PSST a try.
There is no cost and no commitment. You have nothing to lose but sleepless nights, a lot of anxiety and headaches and that feeling of being all alone.
Ooops- problem with blogger
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Sunday, September 26, 2010
Please leave any comments to On the Road Again - Summary of Sally and Rocco's Personal PSST Meeting below. I made an error and I can't find any way to fix it other than just start comments here and close them on the original post. Sorry... These posts by Sally, Rocco and about Cisco have become the mainstay of our blog. Thanks for keeping us all updated.
Type rest of the post here
Things That You Find When Looking for Something Else - Why you should Never ask "WHY?"
Posted by:Rocco--Sunday, September 19, 2010
Why you should Never ask "WHY?"
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?
Why is the word "abbreviate" so long?
Why isn't there another word for "thesaurus?"
I was looking up something else the other day and came across an article called "Training Lions & Tigers: Discipline and Children with Disabilities" by Pete Wright.
Mr. Wright has raised two sons with ADHD and learning disabilities and shares his experience and ideas at: http://www.wrightslaw.com/advoc/ltrs/ltr_to_Bobbie.html
He lists his Four Rules for Raising Children as:
#1. The child had to work
#2. No Telephone or Television in the Child's Room, Ever!
#3. The Child Had to Learn to Touch-Type at Home
#4. Never ask "WHY?"
Rule #4 that caught my eye. It is a good rule for parents in general but especially for parents like me, parents of teenage addicts.
Never ask "WHY?" by Pete Wright
When my children misbehaved or messed up, I never asked them "WHY did you . . . ?"
Why did you come home an hour late?
Why did you come home with alcohol on your breath?
Why didn't you clean up your room?
Why did you leave a mess in the kitchen?
Why didn't you finish your homework?
Why did you finger-paint on the walls?
When the parent asks a child Why, the child learns to create good excuses, shifts blame onto others, views himself or herself as a "victim of circumstances" -- and not does not learn to take responsibility for his or her behavior.
Talking about "Why?" the child misbehaved will not teach the child that he has control over himself, his environment and his future. This will not teach him to take responsibility for his actions.
When you ask Why, it's easy to slip in some guilt - "Why did you do this? You upset me so much. You made me feel terrible."
Stay away from guilt.
Before my first child was born, I worked in juvenile training schools. I read a book called "Reality Therapy" by psychologist William Glasser. This book changed the way I dealt with the kids I worked with and it changed how I viewed my job as a parent.
Dr. Glasser wrote:
"Eliminate the word 'why' from your vocabulary in dealing with child behavior.
So often, children don't know 'why.'
They acted because 'I felt like doing it' and they don't really know why.
Never ask 'Why?' Instead, ask 'What did you do?'"
Have the child explain what he or she did. Have him describe his behaviors, starting at the beginning, through the sobs, the tears, and the temper when sobs and tears don't work. Break the incident down into small steps.
Do not focus on "why."
As a parent, you want to know why. Don't give into your curiosity.
Go over the incident until it is very clear what happened, when, etc.
Your next question is "What are you going to do about it?"
What are you going to do about your misbehavior, or your impulses, or your anger so this does not happen again?
The third question is: How can we make sure this will not happen again?
What checks and balances will you put in place to ensure that it will not happen again?
What punishment should we use now?
What should we do if this happens again?
Will we have a battle about it? If we do, what additional punishment shall we initiate if we have to fight with you about doing this again, and not following through as you said you would?
When the child misbehaves, you can ask questions - but never ask WHY?
Ask these questions instead:
• What did you do?
• What are you going to do about it?
• To ensure that this does not happen again, what should we do to you now?
• If this does happen again, despite your good intentions now, how much more severe shall the punishment be next time?
I hope we can discuss this at our next PSST Meeting but in the mean time please leave a comment at the bottome of this post or send one into sallyservives@gmail.com
Pete Wright is an Adjunct Professor of Law at the William and Mary Law School where he teaches a course about special education law and advocacy and assists with the Law School's Special Education Law Clinic.
Thank You PSST - Summary of the Sept. 18 Meeting
Posted by:Rocco--Sunday, September 19, 2010
We had a nice turnout for this week’s PSST Meeting at OUTREACH TEEN AND FAMILY SERVICES in Mt Lebanon.
There was a nice mix of regular PSST parents a couple of veteran PSST Parents.
Our PSST Pros, Lloyd, Val, Kathie and Jocelyn led the meeting. We had 7 parents representing 6 families ~ On the blog they are known to us, as Lori, June, Alice, Hyacinth, Ruth and Rocco & Sally.
We were glad that they all could make it to our meeting and to our
First Annual PSST Appreciation Day.
This week we wanted to take a little time out to say how much we appreciate all those involved with Parent Survival Skills Training (PSST).
First we want to say a special thanks to our PSST Pro’s; Val and Lloyd from The Allegheny County Juvenile Probation Office and to our counselors from Wesley Spectrum, Kathie T, Jocelyn and Cathy C. They continue to make the effort to advise, understand, support and to guide parents of troubled teens in the right direction.
We would also like to extend our appreciation to all of the PSST Parents, Past and Present, who over the years have reached out, listened, empathized, encouraged and passed on some of their wisdom, as well as a few hugs as needed.
PSST is here to counsel parents on how to strengthen themselves mentally, spiritually and physically in order to enable them to take back the power and control in their homes and their families. They provide the tools we parents need to help our teens save their lives.
Thanks!
We tried something a little different this week.
We opened up the meeting with an exercise designed to break the ice and let us have a little fun we referred to as a Round Robin. We circled the room and gave each person a chance to be The Robin and The Bluebird.
The Robin sang (or acted out a teenager's manipulation) to the parent on his/ her left, whom we referred to as The Bluebird. The manipulation could be anything The Robin knew that teenagers actually use on parents (we have much expertise in this department at our meetings.)
The Bluebird’s role was to pick out a morsel of something that they could agree with that The Robin had said. The Bluebird was encouraged to really agree by using strong body language, good eye contact and by not throwing in a "but" right away to ruin it.
The Robin continued singing to attempt another variation of the same manipulation at least two more times.
The Bluebird then attempted to find at least two more crumbs of something to agree with.
Once The Bluebird had collected two or three nuggets of agreement, and had The Robin’s attention, they were then free to explain to The Robin why they did not agree with their attempt to manipulate.
The Bluebird was encouraged to use our PSST Power words, "Nevertheless, I'm NOT COMFORTABLE WITH THAT".
The Bluebird then became The Robin and turned to the next willing participant who became The Bluebird.
We continued around the room and we all had the chance to contribute and talk over our opinions and ideas. We had a few laughs and a few eye opening moments.
We not only had the chance to use "Nevertheless, I'm NOT COMFORTABLE WITH THAT” but we also used “We will talk about that later” and “Ask me again.” One of our moms pointed out how she likes to inject a little humor into their discussions by using a wee bit of exaggeration.
“You would like me to loan you money to buy a dump truck? Why stop there? Why don’t we buy the whole construction company?”
Humor can be a great tool (from our PSST Tool Box) in the right situation. If we can show our teen the hollowness of their attempted manipulation and get a genuine laugh out of them then we have made some real progress. Be careful not to cross over into sarcasm.
We also had an interesting case where The Robin realizing that The Bluebird was not allowing herself to be manipulated resorted to turning to rudeness (another common manipulation tactic). The Bluebird, at first, was caught off guard and started to respond in a similar way. After some discussion we tried the same tactic but this time The Bluebird responded in a firm and clear manner and was able to get the message across that she would not be manipulated.
Following our break for some coffee, tea, cake and some other goodies each of us had a chance to talk over our own issues with our children in various stages of recovery.
We talked about our teens that are currently in an inpatient recovery program, how they are doing and where they can go when they complete the program. Some teens in recovery cannot return home directly. The people and places may be too strong of a trigger for them to relapse.
We had some thoughts on our teens’ recovery and their goal to complete high school. A School will frequently turn into a strong trigger for an addicted teen and is a serious issue that has to be carefully thought out. There are alternatives out there and this is often a subject of discussion at our meetings.
Our Thanks again to all at PSST, and of course our thanks to OUTREACH TEEN AND FAMILY SERVICES for the use of their space.
The next Parent Survival Skills Training (PSST) meeting is
Saturday October 2 from 9:00 a.m. to 11:30 a.m. at the
Allegheny County Eastern Probation Office in Wilkinsburg.
