Some days, it’s just hard.
We are school shopping again (not for clothes but for a school).
The school records are such a mess. My son has attended five high schools in the past four years and has been in summer schools in three juvenile detention locations over the past two summers.
I know that I just had that file with the final grades/transcripts from each school a few months ago and now...
...it is nowhere to be found.
So in trying to find it, I am digging through boxes that contain the records of everything that happened at each school, mental health placement and court case.
The papers trigger vivid memories of the drugs, the violence, the daily failures to attend to school work or even attend school, the attempted therapeutic interventions, the years of driving to visit him where ever he was.
How tempting it is to just throw my hands up and say I have endured enough, I have done enough. He is turning 18 soon, isn’t this supposed to be over then?
The painful memories these papers hold have me curled into a ball on the floor rocking myself for comfort.
When I come across the little hand written note from him thanking me for ‘believing in him when it didn’t look so good’, it too was a rough emotional jolt. Did I need that reminder of how important his parents' love is to him when I am busy feeling frustrated and angry?
I reach out to someone for a little help, for I cannot open one more file of memories.
Thankfully, the guidance counselor from his last school faxes me the copies of the other schools' transcripts.
Such relief. I can put the boxes of days gone by away, throw some water on my face and head out the door to see if the next school I talk to can help this young man to graduate.
In his own way, he longs for normalcy and so do I.
So do I.
Back to Shopping for a School! By Lindy Lou; A PSST Parent
Posted by:Sally--Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Back to Shopping for a School (continued) by- Lindy Lou; A PSST Mom
Posted by:Sally--Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Believe it or not, a few hours later, my son had a wonderful little breakthrough. I picked him up from work and we went directly to a school to tour it. He was obnoxious and oppositional as usual with the very helpful school secretary. I was puzzled, for this was a school he said he wanted to attend. After we got home, and he puttered about the house for a bit, he approached me and asked if cyber school was off the table. No, I replied, it is never off the table. He began to ask very specific questions about how cyber school worked and talked about how he too was worried about the social distractions of a school keeping him from doing the work he needed to do to graduate. Could he just attend a cyber school and go to work for more hours? Hope rushes into my soul and lifts my spirits. With the ankle bracelet to help him keep to his resolve, this could work. Of course, he could change his mind a dozen more times, but such a sign that he might be serious about his goals is very welcome indeed. summary here
Read More......
Living with Beaver: The Downslide Continues by June - A PSST Parent
Posted by:Sally--Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Beaver reached puberty with a bang……as did his friends.
For fun, they would go to the local supermarket and steal things. Nothing big, of course; just things they ‘wanted’ and did not have the money for at the time. Beaver wanted to fit in so badly with his friends, he was often the one sent to get the items.
June was very surprised when she received a telephone call from Mr. Whipple, the owner of the grocery store, saying that Beaver was there for stealing a pack of gum and “would she please come and pick him up and sign some papers?” Needless to say, June was very embarrassed and angry at Beaver. How could he do these things? Didn’t he know better? Didn’t she teach him better? Wasn’t he a scout?
June drove to the store in her jet van, and went inside to speak with Mr. Whipple.
She was ushered into the ‘inner sanctum’, where it was dark, cool, and smelled a bit like spoiled cabbage. June had to sign a paper that stated Beaver was not permitted back into the store unless his parent accompanied him. Beaver had his picture taken and placed on the ‘wall of shame’, so all employees would be on the lookout for his criminal face.
After these things were completed, June and Beaver left the store and entered the car. Beaver was deeply upset, both by being caught and doing the deed in the first place. June asked Beaver to explain what led up to the incident and he (unfortunately) did.
June drove down the road and listened to the story pouring out of Beaver’s mouth. Instead of going home, she drove to the police station. Beaver was not thrilled when June pulled into the police station parking lot, and even less when she told him to get out of the car and come with her inside.
Once inside, June requested to speak with an officer. The officer did not understand why June was there, even after she explained that her son was just caught stealing gum and wanted her son told in exact terms what would happen to him if he were charged with the crime vs. the store handling it themselves.
The officer did the job, but frankly - between you and I – the lesson June was trying to get across could have been achieved by him writing “I will not steal” 500 times, for the little the officer told Beaver.
June had wanted a retired Marine and instead got Mother Theresa in a uniform.
June has found out that being a single parent is not the easiest thing when faced with a situation like this. There is no one to turn to and ask, “Well, what do you think we should do?”
This especially is the case when the child's other parent feels that you are the cause of everything that goes wrong in the world. This was exactly what June heard from Dick when she told him what little Beaver had done.
Dick was even angrier when he heard that June had taken Beaver to the police station for a little dose of reality.
Afterward, at home lying in bed, sleepless; being a single parent is a crushing reality. You can always call your friends and talk out issues, but the bottom line is you are alone with your problem(s). It is very difficult to just “put your big girl pants on” and get on with it.
In the next room, Beaver sleeps the deep sleep of a child. How can that be, June wonders?
Not for the first time, June wishes she were a child again. It seems so much easier than being a parent.
Little did June know that the fun was just beginning...
GOOD NEWS - CISCO HAS RELAPSED AGAIN
Posted by:Rocco--Friday, August 27, 2010
Good News
Our son Cisco has relapsed again.
Good News because…
… Cisco stayed clean for almost eight months. This is the best he has done in almost four years.
… we have a great support team from Allegheny County Probation, Wesley Spectrum and Gateway that Cisco could not dupe.
… Sally and I were able to stand up in court in July and request that Cisco’s probation be extended for an additional six months.
… Sally and I and our support team were "On Alert" and aware that Cisco was beginnig to slip up.
… Cisco’s probation officer’s intuition finally said “I am NOT comfortable with this! Let’s get him to a safe place before he really falls flat.”
… after Rocco escorted Cisco to Shuman Center, we did find evidence that Cisco had plans to escalate his addictive behavior.
…when Cisco tried his best manipulation tactics during our Shuman visit both Sally and I were able to get up, end the visit and walk out without feeling guilty.
… Sally was able to call up the strength before his hearing and tell Cisco, to his face, “No, you are not coming home and I am not sure that you are ever coming home this time.”
… our support team has found another place for Cisco to work through his behavior issues and to continue with his recovery and that the Hearing Officer agreed.
… Cisco will be away from the people, places and things that he can’t resist on his own.
…Cisco has, as Lloyd put it so well, manipulated himself into a higher level of treatment.
Good news because we also have a lot of encouragement from our friends and fellow parents at PSST and at Gateway Parents Night groups.
It is not that we do not feel bad for Cisco. As I told him on the ride to Shuman “We are not doing this to just to punish you. We are doing this to keep you clean and to help you with your recovery.” I would also like to note that Cisco did not in any way resist going to Shuman.
Sally noted a little irony that our first visit with Cisco will occur on our 33rd anniversary. This is also the third anniversary of Cisco’s first cry for help. We spent our 30th anniversary in the AGH emergency room following Cisco’s first overdose. We wish we knew about PSST then.
Hopefully our actions today might eventually lead to a lot of anniversaries of Cisco’s clean time.
For all of you PSST parents – stick with it. It takes time but it is worth it.
For any of you who have not attended a PSST meeting yet – give it a try. There is no cost and no commitment. All you have to lose is a few hours of your time, the chaos in your home, a lot of sleepless nights, and the feeling of loneliness, helplessness and guilt.
PSST’s Goal is to empower the parents of teenage substance abusers and/or Juvenile Court Youth with the support, information, skills and techniques a parent needs to help a teenager save his own life. Over the years, we have collected practical, hard won information that parents need based on our direct experience with teenagers who are facing alcoholism, addiction, probation, and out-of-home Court placement. Our meetings and this blog are open to all parents who are serious about making a difference in their children’s life.
Dr. Max Explains It All To You: Diagnosis: W.I.S. - A post by Max, a PSST Mom
Posted by:Sally--Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Dr. Max Explains It All To You: Diagnosis: W.I.S. - A post by Max, a PSST Mom
Our older son Michael was discharged from 24 days of in-patient 1 week ago today. While he was in, I took little comfort in the fact that he was safe, clean, learning, and working on himself. I had the opportunity to be more care-free, do more for myself, take a thorough, badly needed mental holiday from him. But that is not how my brain operates. I worried, not as much as if he were still hanging out, but still worried, because I suffer from WIS, or "What If Syndrome".
I have always been this way: I am anxious by nature.
But I have learned this about myself over the years by working with a great therapist, and having more life experiences to draw on. I work very hard on a daily basis to keep it in check. I know it will never go away, but rather, ebb and flow depending on how serious life circumstances are at the moment. The most damaging thing the syndrome does is deter your vision from the here and now. If you stay in the moment, or force yourself to re-focus on the now, WIS miraculously dissipates.
I had a golden opportunity to recharge my battery but didn't. I didn't think I had the stamina to practice my anti-WIS program.
Clearly, I had relapsed.
When a WIS sufferer doesn't practice the program, rational thought goes out the window in two forms. One is "Hyper Vigilance", as in if I concentrate REALLY HARD on everything in this situation, I will nip it in the bud - or prevent it from happening - or 'do it better than last time’.
This will, in some cases become the second form, called "Magical Thinking", as in - I will be so prepared for the next disaster it won't hurt as much as it did the first few times.
Both forms are sneaky and can mislead a person into believing their own un-true thoughts, because anxiety takes away the energy they need to work their program.
Does any of this sound familiar to you? Does any of this have an obvious parallel?
Even if you aren't by nature anxious as I am, when something is wrong with someone we love, WIS can get you. Mind you, my husband Mel is not a sufferer. It seems that more women than men get WIS, but there are no concrete studies. But like many chronic diseases, it can be managed if you are willing to take the following steps:
• Pray/meditate/talk to your higher power to be granted the serenity to accept the things you cannot change, that you will have the courage to change the things you can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Repeat as often as necessary throughout the day.
• Focus - If you find your mind spinning forward, pick a spot on the wall wherever you are and force yourself to focus for a few minutes. Think of nothing else but that spot. Let yourself be hypnotized for the moment. Take some deep soothing breaths, and go back to whatever it was you were doing.
• Call Someone - If you are too far along in your WIS attack, call someone - a PSST friend, your partner, or other person who knows your situation, and has the good sense to talk you down with rational thought.
• Avoid people, places and things that can trigger a WIS attack.
Common examples are:
1. People: well meaning but grossly under-informed family members (usually in-laws!!) and friends who will say things like "I knew someone just like that. He's in jail now, but...."
2. Places: a graduation party where everyone says "you have an 18 year old, right? Where are they going to college?" Feeling the need to answer this question several times in a public place with a smile on your face can make a WIS sufferer start to spin like a top.
3. Things: This is a tricky one. For me, it would be going into my son's room and looking at old things like stuffed animals, baby pictures, old school projects while thinking: "If I had just done __________ earlier, none of this would have happened" or "I now can see by looking at all of his things, his decline actually started ___________ , and I somehow missed it."
As you can now see, this is all Magical Thinking. And it is in the past, which cannot be corrected. So have a good cry if you need, but no good will come of torturing yourself with the "what ifs" and "should haves".
Another situation that can cause WIS is miscommunication. As noted in Lloyd's latest post, WIS gets dissipated when parties speak to one another for clarity of a situation or verbal exchange.
Since most of us have a team of people working with us to help our child, we can get differing messages, and often skewed messages when our child repeats what he heard someone say. To help me work my program, I have no qualms about calling or emailing the therapist, PO, or case worker for clarity.
When I have the facts, I become less of a WIS.
That said, the above professionals also have differing approaches, and sometimes they even seem contradictory. This is a sure trigger for WIS, because you may start to think "If I don't do exactly what Lloyd, Kathie, Deb, Tom, Dick and Harry say, my child will relapse, and I will be responsible".
The coinciding subconscious thought may be "If I am not able to follow to the letter all of this advice, I must be a bad parent".
This is the dreaded Hyper Vigilant Magical Thinking COMBO.
My personal way of managing HVMT (combined type) in this case is "take what works for you, put the rest in the tool box for later use."
All information from a trusted professional is valuable in some way. Knowledge is power. Add to this knowledge tricks from PSST and the therapist and you are no doubt doing the best possible job for your kid.
Be open minded to all points of view.
The therapist often comes from the perspective of empowering the teen, so the therapist may ask us to "back off" or they may back up what a teen has said.
Since we are so used to being manipulated by the teen, we get WISSY.
But as Lloyd noted, following a therapists' advice does not mean you are giving the kid too much power as in the past. It may mean that you need to find "the courage to change what you can". But, being knowledgeable and empowered (as the mom in Lloyd's post was) gives parents the courage to say "I'm not comfortable with that"!
