We had a really encouraging turnout and a good time at this week’s PSST meeting in Wilkinsburg.
Kathie and Lloyd led the meeting. We had 12 parents including 4 dads. We were happy to have a nice mix of familiar faces as well as some new parents. We were especially glad to meet one dad (who has been actively involved in his teens’ recovery) who took time away from running the family business to attend.
Sally and I were told years ago at an elementary school meeting on self esteem: “Your child has a big advantage in their life because you cared enough to attend this meeting.”
Although your son or daughter may be in a “bad place” right now they have a “big advantage” in their life because you cared enough to attend a PSST meeting. More than likely they will not grasp the “big advantage” concept and in all probability resent that you go to “those meetings where you are misled by that crazy dude.”
NEVERTHELESS they are in a better place because you do care enough to try to save their life.
Each of the parents had an opportunity to discuss their own situation and issues. We talked about how we can handle our troubled teenagers that are at home, our teenagers that are about to return home and about when it is time to tell our teen that it is time to leave home.
Each of these is a tough situation.
If our troubled child is living at home we need to give them clear rules on how they are to behave and what is expected of them. Next we need to provide specific consequences if they break the rules (consequences that we know that we can follow through with). This can be as simple as taking away privileges, cell phones, computer access and i-pods or as serious as having charges filed against them. If we suspect drug or alcohol use (click on the “TIME TO ACT!” link at the top right side of the PSST Blog) one of the key things they will need to agree to is random drug testing. When you come to a PSST meeting we can explain where you can get the various test kits at a reasonable price.
If our child has left home and is asking to come back home we must insist on their agreement to the same rules and consequences as above. Written contracts are a big help here. One of the rules should be that, prior to their return, they need to enter a treatment program and be professionally evaluated. This is probably one of the hardest things to stick to. They will always promise to enter the program after we allow them to come back home. They must enter the program first.
If our teen is in an inpatient recovery program they will be constantly insisting on why they should be home. Before they come home for good try a few home passes if offered. See Lloyd’s post on Home Passes below this one. The basic theme of the Home Pass should be: the child’s home time is to be spent with you and your family. This should be time to begin to reconnect and heal our relationships. It should not be a time to have friends over, talk to friends on the phone or on the computer. Very important: Do not be afraid to share with their counselors how the visit went – good or bad. This will help them in their evaluation of your teen.
If our teen is about to complete their inpatient recovery program and return home; Congratulations! Now spend the last few weeks while they are still in the program getting your family ready for their return. Follow the same rules above about setting clear rules, expected behaviors and consequences. Be strong and insist on the terms being spelled out in a written contract. Do not expect your child to readily agree to all of the terms. That’s okay. If they are going to act out then let them do it while they are in their program and they are under the care of professional counseling. Remember that the terms of their contract can be modified by you at any time depending on their behavior – good or bad.
And then we have the case of our child acting out at home and it's time to go. Our child will not follow our rules, refuses counseling and may be using. They may or may not have completed a recovery program. The time to act is NOW.
If our child is a minor there are options like Act 53 (asking the Court to declare your child to be in need of involuntary drug and/or alcohol treatment services) or having them placed on probation.
If our child is no longer a minor we need to tell them that it is time for them to leave. They may leave willingly or we may need to engage the local police to escort them out. If necessary get a Protection from Abuse Order. Here is a link to the Allegheny County DA’s web site explaining the PDA - http://www.da.allegheny.pa.us/dv_Protection_From_Abuse_Orders.asp
We always need to consider our safety and the safety of our family first.
If and when they ask to come back home (and if we have left that possibility open) we will need to follow the steps above.
Please feel free to attend a PSST meeting to discuss any of these situations. There is no cost or obligation.
PSST is here to assist and support concerned parents to take the power back, to regain control of their teens, their home and their own lives. The meetings are a place where you can talk openly with professionals and other parents about your own situation. We understand where you are at because we have been in a similar place. You will notice a lot of us nodding in agreement with you.
A note to new parents attending their first PSST Meeting: The first meeting may seem a bit overwhelming and you might feel a little uncomfortable. That is okay. Sally and I felt that way when we attended our first meeting three years ago. We now wish that we would have stuck it out longer. Regardless we were happy to be able to return two years later for our second meeting and find acceptance as well as a lot of support, wisdom and understanding. Our family is now healing, hopeful and heading in the right direction.
We followed up our discussion with two role plays.
The first Role Play concerned insisting on action NOW. From the time our children were toddlers we found that we would have less confrontation and conflict if we picked up their toys, their clothes or cleaned their room. Some of us now employ this method with our spouse or significant other.
IT IS TIME TO STOP LETTING THEM SLIDE, NOW!
Whether it is doing the dishes, taking out the trash, working on their recovery or finishing a job they've started. Whether it is your child, your spouse or significant other; Start insisting that they do (whatever) NOW. Click here to read Lloyd’s March, 2010 post on Who is the big dog at your house? Featured technique: use of "NOW"
As Lloyd notes: DO NOT USE THIS WORD (NOW) unless you really mean it and are prepared to drop everything and stay with your teenager (spouse or significant other) until task is accomplished. No threats are necessary and in fact, threatening at this point might be counter-productive and cause unnecessary resentment.
The second Role Play was a parent introducing a new rule to their unruly teenager. Max really captured the essence of most of our teens here. As our role-play dad did: Go into the discussion prepared. Start off by explaining to the teen that they may not agree with what you have to say. Tell them that they may not even like it. Clearly and simply state the rule. Explain the consequences. Don’t expect your teen to think that your rule is “just swell”. Do your best not to get into a prolonged discussion or debate on the rule. If your teen protests how hard that the rule will be to follow be sure to take the opportunity to agree with them – “You’re Right! It will be hard at first.” – and even attempt to get in a compliment – “I’m glad that you're smart enough to understand that and I know that you're mature enough that you can do it if you try.” End the conversation as quickly as possible and walk away.
After the meeting a couple of us discussed suicide threats.
Both suicide threats and attempts should always be taken very seriously.
The threat of suicide can be frightening enough to cause some parents to “walk on eggshells” and to give their child whatever they want.
PLEASE NOTE: Even if you feel that your child’s suicide threat is nothing more than a manipulative tactic you need to IMMEDIATELY take them to the nearest emergency room for an evaluation.
If they are truly suicidal they will receive the help they need. If the child was merely using the threat as a manipulative tactic to get their way, the trip to the E.R. and the evaluation will tend to discourage them from using this as a tactic in the future.
Never ignore or minimize a suicide threat or a suicide attempt.
Our thanks to the Allegheny County Eastern Probation Office for the use of their space.
The next Parent Survival Skills Training (PSST) meeting is Saturday June 12 from 9:00 a.m. to 11:30 a.m. at the Trinity Lutheran Church 2500 Brandt School Road, Wexford, PA 15090
C'mon in and join us.
Our PSST meetings are open to all parents who are serious about making a difference in their children’s life.
A TIME TO COME HOME, A TIME TO STAY HOME, A TIME TO LEAVE HOME - SUMMARY OF THE JUNE 5 PSST MEETING
Posted by:Rocco--Sunday, June 06, 2010
Have a home pass or off grounds pass with teen in placement?
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Saturday, June 05, 2010
At our well attended meeting this morning (12 parents with five new faces), Ralph Kramden (pen name) mentioned that there is a post on the blog about home passes from institutions, "but you have to dig for it." I'm happy to hear when someone mentions that they have found something of value on our blog. I'm going to put some links to the posts that I find that I believe are relevant to home passes.
Home Pass From the Institution or Oooops you're a quart low. Actually, this was posted April 5th 2010 and it also has a link to the one below:
Preparing for a six-hour Home Pass.
Home Pass from Institution: Ten things to keep in mind. This one may be the one to which Ralph was referring.
And one related post that is not entirely about home passes but is relevant: Feeding the Enemy.
One of the things that we don't talk about much at our meetings is the need to listen to your teenager. I know, I know, if you were at today's meeting most of us agreed that what teens say is mostly bull or posturing for more power. We encourage the use of power words like "nevertheless" and "regardless."
The problem is, at a meeting there is so much to say and so little time. Some times, the best thing you can do is listen to your teenager. Listen carefully and well. Find a thing to really agree with them about if can, but let them know that you are listening. Don't say, "I understand" because the person who says that rarely really understands. Just admit that you are having trouble understanding; that it is hard to put yourself in their situation, but that you are trying to understand- that is always so much more convincing.
None of us consider ourselves that simple, that someone can understand us just like that- we think of ourselves as complex so we certainly expect someone to be puzzled at first- admit that- be Peter Faulk for a moment, slap your forehead and tell them you are confused. Of course Columbo always understood, didn't he?
As Ken used to say at our meetings, "Every moment is not a teachable moment." Ken wrote the best thing I think I have ever read on listening and so I have dug it out of the blog and will link to it here: Listening
Remember:
1. To listen well is not necessarily to agree.
2. To listen well does not mean you have to allow yourself to be manipulated.
3. To listen well does not weaken your own position.
4. To listen well increases your power.
5. Sometimes, what you hear is a bunch of horse manure. Still, there is something there that you can underline, reframe or agree with.
6. Teenagers, if you ask them, believe that nobody really listens to them. Therefore, if you really listen, it takes them by surprise. Taking them by surprise, doing the unexpected, can disarm them. Our teens are so powerful that we should disarm them whenever we can.
I mention these things here because if you are going to make goals for yourself for a home pass or for an off grounds visit, I challenge you to go in with your big ears on- there's a lot to listen to and sometimes a lot to be learned from our teens.
If anybody ever feels that they've "gone way back" on our blog and found something good, let me, Sally, or Rocco know and we'll repost it, perhaps with a new comment or two. By the way, if you are interested in certain topics try our search window at the upper left of the blog.
GOT STRESS? - A Court Hearing Followed by a Six Hour Home Pass
Posted by:Sally--Thursday, June 03, 2010
"Stress is simply the adaptation of our bodies and minds to change; and change is about the only constant left in our lives."
It has been a year since Cisco was placed on a Consent Decree and today Cisco was due in court to determine where to go from here. Often when I find myself in this type of a stressful situation and cannot sleep I find writing very therapeutic. So I dare to start off this post with my poem that I wrote when I woke up in the middle of last night.
It is titled: Three O'Clock Thoughts Before a Hearing
Will our lives ever be in place?
Or will our son always be in placement?
Will we live fully in His Grace?
Or are we tied to a chunk of cement?
The cement of society views Cisco as a risk.
They can't tell if he's changed or temporarily fixed.
No one but he knows what is in his heart.
Who knows if he worked out a brand new start?
It boils down to trust and that's a fact.
I want my son home, its as simple as that.
Okay, don't laugh. It is not the best poem but I know a would-be rapper who liked it.
Besides, after I wrote it - I slept like a baby.
After a three hour wait to see the Hearing Officer, things went well. It came down to two choices.
1.) End the consent decree today (which would end the Juvenile Probation services today along with Wesley Spectrum services). Cisco would have to volunteer to stay at Liberty Station until successful completion and have a hearing at a later date on charges including a D.U.I.
2.) Cisco would be adjudicated on a much lesser charge of Disorderly Conduct, Juvenile Probation and Wesley Spectrum Services would continue for an additional six months after the completion of Cisco's stay at Liberty Station. It is possible for Cisco to complete his stay at the halfway house by mid July.
Rocco and I decided we would make a plea for option two. Cisco wanted option one but his dad told him we were going for two. After some discussion and explanation Cisco conceded.
We are so thankful that we had Cisco's P.O. Lloyd there to speak so eloquently on Cisco's behalf. Also Cathy and Kathie of Wesley Spectrum and Tim of Liberty Station were there for support. The hearing officer thoughtfully heard all sides and we walked out of the court room with the lesser charge and our help and support system intact.
By three o'clock Cisco was on his six hour pass from Liberty Station. 
He was a bit agitated because of the six months of probation and said that he 'hates his life'. I was thankful that he will not have a DUI on his record before he even has a driver's license. We explained to Cisco that the probation will not be a problem if he continues to do what he should do. I reminded Cisco of something Rocco often said to both of our sons. "If you are driving a car and a police officer is following you there is nothing to sweat if you are doing the speed limit and following the other rules of the road."
At any rate, Cisco felt less frustrated after he recorded some music and rapped into his microphone. He made plans for his sponsor and another friend in N.A. to visit and then all three were headed for a meeting. Both of his friends were very nice and polite. This is the first time we met his sponsor and after talking with him I felt very comfortable and pleased that he is Cisco's sponsor.
The evening went well and we tried to keep things light. There was just one incident I'd like to mention:
Cisco sat on the front stoop to "have a smoke". He decided, before we even had to lay down the rule, that he would not smoke indoors anymore. I was pleased about this also.
He asked if he could call a girl from his past who I will call Susie Bee. I said, no. Cisco said, Why? Now here is what followed:
Mom: This home pass is time for you and I to build our relationship. It is not time for you to talk with old friends. I am not saying you can NEVER call Susie Bee but for now the answer is no. I will think on this and we will discuss it later. (Mom walks in the house, glances at second phone and notices that the line is in use.) (Mom goes back to where Cisco is sitting on porch.)
Mom: Who are you talking to?
Cisco: Susie Bee.
Mom: When you get off the phone; we need to talk. (Mom goes inside for a minute and takes a deep breath. She contemplates banging her head against the wall. It might feel good at this point. Instead she takes another deep breath and returns to scene.)
Mom: Cisco, get off the phone now so we can talk.
Cisco: (Says to phone.) I gotta go, Susie Q. I love you, too. Smoochie, Smoochie!
(Mom has queried look on face)
Cisco: Yes, Mom, I called both Susie Q and Susie Bee. I don't see why I can't talk to them. They are not addicts and they help me stay clean. They are my good friends.
Mom: You are not helping me to trust you by disobeying a simple rule.
Cisco: Even Lloyd, doesn't think it is a big deal to call Susie Bee.
Mom: You do not live with Lloyd, you live with dad and I. I made a simple rule and you broke it already.
Cisco: F!!Q - QUE!
Mom: You have very little control of yourself. (Walks away, disappointed.)
Five minutes later, Cisco enters the house.
Mom: May I ask you to set the table?
Cisco: (Sets the table.) I am sorry for swearing at you, mom. Once I get mad, I don't care if you are the president. I don't have control anymore.
Mom: I'm glad you let me know how hard it is for you to keep control if you do not get your way. You need to work on that. I also know I deserve more respect than what you are showing me.
Thanks for reading about my day. Goodnight. Hope to see y'all at PSST this Saturday.
Sally 
LOOK TO THE RIGHT
Posted by:Rocco--Monday, May 31, 2010
LOOK TO THE RIGHT
Look to the right of this page and you will find a link to “TIME TO ACT”
presented by the Partnership for a Drug-Free America - Drugfree.org
Take some time to check it out.
Whether you suspect or whether you know for sure that your child is using drugs or alcohol; Drugfree.org presents a step by step guide on what steps you should take to address the issue.
As they note: The thought of your teenager using drugs is not a comfortable one for most parents. You don't want to believe that your child could be involved in using drugs or alcohol.
But more importantly you do not want to ignore the warning signs.
Realize that this is probably not just a phase your child is going through.
You want to act as quickly as possible but first take the time to read up on how to handle the situation. Knowing what to look for is a huge help in determining whether your child is drinking or using drugs.
Talk to your spouse or partner or the child’s other parent. Always try to present a united front.
Talk to your child. The first and most important thing you can do is to come right out and ask your child.
Expect denial and anger. Be prepared to be called a lot of things and to even be hated by your child.
Collect evidence. Destroying evidence was one of my own first mistakes (while I was still in denial) and one thing I find in common with a lot of parents. Collect Evidence. And keep it in a secure place where your child cannot get to it.
Set rules in your home and spell out consequences. Make sure that you always follow through with the consequences. If you think that you can’t follow through with a consequence it is better not to set it.
Get your teen and yourself help.
The “TIME TO ACT” site is a good tool to get started.
Do not hesitate or be afraid or embarrassed to ask for help.
Your child’s life is at risk.
At Parent’s Survival Skills Training (PSST) we are here to support you and to help you become oriented as to what it means to be a parent of a child that is using drugs or alcohol. As my wife Sally said “We knew that we were good parents, but we were not good parents of someone who used drugs.”
PSST’s goal is to empower parents with the support, information, skills and techniques a parent needs to help a teenager save their own life. Our meetings and our blog are open to all parents who are serious about making a difference in their children’s life. There is no charge or commitment.
Highest Duty: the Search for What Really Matters
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Friday, May 28, 2010
I read Rocco's comment to another post where he mentions that he is reading and really enjoying this book by Chesley B. Sullenberger. I will reprint Rocco's comment here and try to upload this video interview about the book. I have not read it yet but I'm officially putting it on my things-to-read list.
"What an interesting analogy.
"I was just reading Sully Sullenberger’s autobiography “Highest Duty: My Search for What Really Matters”. One of the recurring themes throughout his book is people pushing themselves, learning and training how to “think on their feet”, to make quick decisions and most importantly to live with the decision that they make.
"We have received (and continue to receive) this type of guidance at the PSST meetings. There are a lot of good resources out there but at the PSST meetings we have a chance to learn about and to role play various parent-child situations out. Then when our teen confronts us we are prepared to think on our feet and to make tough decisions. If we do have second thoughts we have the chance to talk it over.
"Captain Sullenberger acknowledges that if it wasn’t for the “USAir Flight 1549 Miracle on the Hudson”, that we would never have heard of him. And if it wasn’t for his continued routine of training and preparing, the miracle would not have happened. But he would have continued training anyways, just in case. "We, the parents of troubled teens will probably never be known for anything outside of our small group. But we know that we have done whatever we could to save their lives."
Rocco
