It's the Fifth Saturday in the month. We meet the First and Third and Eastern and the Second and Fourth at the Alliance Office.
Type rest of the post here
No meeting this Saturday:
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Sunday, January 25, 2009
Northhills PSST has seven parents: Body Language discussed.
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Saturday, January 24, 2009
How do you give your teen the bottom line? Does it matter? Let your teen know you really mean it by using good strong body language. How you say it matters as much as what you say...
Keep these tips in mind when you have something important to say to your teen.
1. Stay calm. If you over react and start to yell and explode at your teenager then that does no good and that puts your teenager in a power place as he can easily point at your behavior as problematic. If you feel enraged, make sure you calm down before you approach him. Talk slow, lower your voice, and even take deep slow breaths. Do not allow anything he says to cause you to escalate your pitch and cause you to start yelling.
1. Good eye contact. He cannot take you seriously if you don't look him in the eye.
2. Use your hands to gesture. Use your hands but not in a threatening way. Shrug and extend your hands out in with open palms, not threatening, yet definitely not passive. It means you mean business.
3. Be the dominant speaker. Move closer to him. Even if it is only a half-inch, move towards him when you speak. This establishes territoriality, something that we understand on different level. It means you're the one in charge. You will feel the difference. If you are afraid that he will react and hurt you- then don't do this. On the other hand, if you are that afraid of him you may need to consider what's written on other posts. For example, read this. Usually, he will react in one of two ways to your assertive body language.
A. He will back up so that he is more comfortable with the distance. That's good. This symbolizes that he accepts your dominance. He may do this and at the same time say, "Get out of my fu$%^&g face. That is still good, just don't get out of his fu$%^&g face and you maintain your dominance. If you back up when he says that then you have admitted that he is dominant. That's not helpful unless you want him to be your boss. On the other hand, there is no need to keep moving in because now you have established that you are dominant.
B. He may not move backwards at all. He might stay right in your face. A Standoff. That's not as good but you can work with that. He is no doubt feeling uncomfortable but his instincts tell him that if he backs away he looses what he so desperately wants: control of your house. Keep eye contact and depending on how much of his space you took, move in a wee bit closer. If he maintains then this is going to be very uncomfortable but holding your position helps maintain your dominance. One good thing is that when you are that close to another person it is hard to yell, so if he was yelling at you before you moved in, chances are good that he has stopped that.
Restate you position while you hold the line. Use a calm voice and slowly keep repeating your position, e.g., "Never do drugs in the house. I will call the police if you ever use drugs in this house." Wait for some acknowledgment from him. When you are ready to break away from him end the conversation. Often it is good to say, "We'll talk about this later." Then walk away and make sure that you follow up with another conversation later. Note: avoid backing up first and then saying, "We'll talk about this later." Rather, maintain the closer distance and say, "We'll talk about his later,." and then retreat.
3. Look for humor. Humor can deflect the situation. Especially, when you are wrapping things up. Don't make less of the situation with humor but look for self-deprecating humor- teens love that. In other words, don't make fun of your teenager, make fun of yourself.
Father: You know me, I can take this job of being your Dad too seriously sometime. Duh! And I'm way concerned about a lot of stuff that you feel that I've no business doing, like where you go, and who you hang out with, right? Yeah, I know, nevertheless, never do drugs, don't hang out with anybody who does drugs, don't hold drugs for anyone, and don't bring anyone home ever who won't let me pee-test them!
Teen: What the, what are you talking about?
Father: OK, I was kidding on that last part [hopefully, someone laughs] but regardless, I'm not kidding about the other stuff. OK?
4. Hug you kid at the end of the exchange. If possible. He may not want that but try it anyway. It's more body language that says "I love you." Of course, if you feel that your teen is going to react violently if you try to hug him, then maybe not. Usually, you can sneak a hug in before he pushes your arms away. Even if he seems to feel worse because of the attempted hug, you may feel better for trying. Note: it's OK to let your teen push you out of a hug but if you're lucky to got a quick one in. By no means continue to force a hug on a teenager who is resisting.
Final Note: We are not trying to send the message that we are prepared to attack. We do not want violence. In fact, once we assume the assertive stance it frees us to say something to this effect: "You know, I really don't want to see anyone get hurt here," or "I don't want you to flip out or anything but, listen, I mean business here."
If he threatens you and says something like, "I'll f&*k you up," let him know that you do not want to be hurt. Try, "Oh I hope you don't do that to me," but maintain the closer distance when you say it. You see, having good assertive body language means that you now have the luxury of saying some nice things. Or you could say, "I really don't want to see either one of us get hurt and don't see any reason right now for the police to be called." When your body language is yelling, "I'm in charge," then it's OK to say nice things. A person will hear your body language first. Likewise, if your body language says, "I'm to scarred to get close to you," then your teen hears that first no matter how much tough-talk is going on.
Top Three Ways Teens Manipulate Parents: Part III
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Friday, January 23, 2009
Guilting the parent. This is the third of five parts:
Last week we talked about lying and gave several examples of how to deal with it. This week we talk about the manipulative techniques of guilting the parent.
It may be helpful to point out the ideas in this article or at least to point out the three most effective techniques that teens use to manipulate parents. After the teen admits to doing all three, you now have laid the groundwork for pointing out to them, by number, when they are doing this to you. For example, when you are confronting your teen about their behavior they may try to guilt you this way:
Teen: You know what bugs me about you?
Parent: What?
Teen: You only see the bad things I do; you never see the good things.
Parent: You know what I think?
Teen: What?
Parent: That sounds like the other day when we were talking about the Three Most Effective Ways That Teens Manipulate Parents, remember?
Teen: Yeah.
Parent: Remember, you said that you use all three sometimes?
Teen: Yeah.
Parent: Well, let me ask you, which one of the three do you think you might be using on me now?
Teen: None
Parent: Well, I feel like you are using one of them, can you guess which one I'm thinking of?
Teen: No.
Parent: The second most effective way. Do you remember what that was?
Teen: Guilt
Parent: Right! You remembered! That's great for me to hear that you really do pay attention and remember what we talked about. Yeah, you are so right! I feel like you are trying to guilt me into feeling bad that I never point out any of the good things you do! Right now I feel that way.
Teen: Well I'm not.
Parent: OK, well we have twenty dollars unaccounted for and I'm concerned about that so you are hearing some things you don't like today. But what about the day before yesterday when I told you how impressed I am that you started interviewing for a job? And how proud I told you I was when you brought that grade up in math? Remember? Yeah, today is not the day when you get to hear all about the good stuff, but I am impressed that you are not flipping out or anything when I question you about your money- that is good, now back to the money thing [and in this way you pointed out the manipulative tactic and brought the conversation right back to the real concern.]
In other word, pay attention to the fact that the teen is using guilt to manipulate you. Label it. Let them know it doesn’t change the price of tea in china!
At some point, we begin to trust; however, this happens only with the passing of some time and with us beginning to see that our teen is turning the corner. Remember, the third most effective technique for teens to manipulate is doing the right thing temporarily, so that one can get privileges back. Then back to business as usual. In fact, often you can see teens start with the lie, move to guilting, and when neither works, claim to be turning over a new leaf. Of course, number three is much better than numbers one and two so long as we parents realize that this might just be temporary. Let’s don’t jump to the conclusion right away that they have made significant changes.
However, they may have learned that their two most effective techniques just aren’t that effective anymore. That’s a step in the right direction.
(This is the third of a four-part series on Parent Manipulation. Next we discuss more about the third most effective manipulative technique-doing the right thing temporarily, so that one can get privileges back. You can find the complete series and more information at http://gopsst.org )
What are the best ways to stop enabling teens?
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Thursday, January 22, 2009
What do the teenagers and their parents tell us about enabling? I had opportunity to ask a large group of teenagers and parents in an outpatient D&A program. Three separate discussion groups debated this and the following is the results:
Top three:
1. Have rules and enforce them. Rules are worthless if you can't enforce them. If you only enforce rules sometime they are not helpful. You may wish to review Contracts here and here.
2. Don't bail teens out of jams, especially the legal problems. Don't put up bail money, don't buy high-priced attorneys, don't pay fines. Allow your teens to become motivated by the consequences of their decisions.
3. Don't key into negativity. Another way to say this is don't enter into debates with the teenagers. Don't have yelling sessions. Just say "no." Or just tell them the conversation is closed. (If you tell them the conversation is closed, don't start debating and prove that you didn't mean it when you said the conversation is closed.)
Runner Ups: Don't give money when you don't know where the money is going. Don't give freedom to your teenagers when you aren't sure where they are going. Don't believe everything you hear.
When Teenagers Harrass Parents
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Wednesday, January 21, 2009
It's 11:00 PM. A teen wants to get his mother, who in this case is a single parent, to allow him to go out with friends the next day. But he is grounded. She has to get up very early the next day. He knows that. He senses her vulnerability. He strikes.
He moves in on her with a methodical debate. "Why why why? Give me one good reason. No one will trust me. No one believes me. I can't prove that I can be trusted if no one will give me a chance." She parries with "why don't we all talk about it tomorrow."
He's not buying that. He knows he has her over a barrel. She can't get to sleep if he keeps the debate going. This is his leverage. He can keep her up for a long time until she caves-in. He knows this. He has seen her cave-in the past plenty of times; but she has been attending PSST, working with family therapist, and working with the PO. She is much stronger than before and she is getting angry too.
At one point, after about half an hour and thirty Go to Bed Right Nows, he challenges her with the old, "You want me to get sent away?"
She is frustrated and tired. She agrees. "Yes, I do." He is aghast. "You what? You do? She back pedals, stating, "I want you to be safe, if you can't be safe here then in placement."
But sometimes you can't get the Bad Genie back in the bottle once he is out. "Fuck you," he yells at her. "If I saw you choking right here in front of me I wouldn't help you." It's a threatening statement. The look in his eye is very scary and while he does not lay a hand on her, his reign of intimidation is secure.
"Fuck you, if you died I wouldn't go to your funeral." Then he starts throwing the Any-Way-I-Can-Think-of-to-Hurt-You Book at her. "I don't care about you at all. I don't love you. I never loved you. Even when I said I loved you I just said that to get something I wanted. I never cared about you. I wouldn't even go to your funeral. What kind of mother are you anyway? You just want to get rid of me!"
She replies with spunk, "I don't care if you come to my funeral, cause I'll be dead." But he is unrelenting, and continues to verbally assault her. He is the terrorist. She is alone and he refuses to leave her bedroom where this whole scenario is taking place. While he might not exactly say, "I will hurt you," he freely refers to her choking to death and he several times refers to her death by stating that he will not attend her funeral. He has succeeded in scaring her.
She phones the PO right in the middle of it. She tells him that he is on the voice mail of the PO and why doesn't he say "Fuck you" again, and continue being rude. He lies. He calmly states that she is the one who was rude and she is the one who said "Fuck you," to him! Intriguingly, he seems to be trying to get her in trouble with the PO. As if they are two equal children and the PO, acting as parent, won't know which one to believe. However, after calling the PO's voice mail, the situation calms down and after about five more minutes of debate he leaves her bedroom to get ready for bed.
Well, its' not an easy situation; however, there are some things that can be done to minimize the danger.
1. Make your house a safe place. Have a safe room, probably your bedroom, where you can retreat and lock the door. If your teen tries to break down the door, or if he starts destroying the house, you can call 911. If you call 911 tell the dispatch that you need an officer "to keep the peace." (Tip from Ken.) It means that you don't need to go into a long story on the phone with the dispatcher. "I'm locked in my bedroom and my teenager is breaking down the door," might also get a car over to your house pretty quick. Once the police come consider pressing charges. It may be the only way your teen will learn.
2. Once you take a stand that the conversation is closed, make sure that you stop the debate. You can't say the conversation is over and in the next sentence start reasoning with him. Choose. Is the conversation over? Then stop debating and continue to insist that he leave you alone. Remember, he wants a debate. Don't give him one under any circumstances.
3. This will sound like a contradiction with number one. Don't run from him. Face him. Present good eye contact and good body language. Are you afraid of your teenager? Why? Has he ever hurt you? Has he broke up things in the house? Has he made threatening statements towards you? If the fear factor is to strong, and you can't face him down, maybe his living with you is not a good idea. Who is in charge? If the honest answer to that question is that he is, and that he is, on top of that, a very scary teenager, then see what options you might have for more support from family, friends, PO, or at last resort, what other living arrangements are there?
4. Do you have younger children that are exposed to this kind of abuse? That may affect the younger siblings in bad way. Your older Teenager may have to go for the psychological safety of your other children, not to mention for your own psychological safety.
5. The verbally abusive teenager knows exactly what he is doing. He wants to punish you for not giving him what he wants. And at the same time he wants you to think that you are the crazy one. He wants you to doubt yourself. He condescends. He talks as if he knows what's wrong with you, and that everything is really all your fault. It's important to ground yourself by sharing this with someone you trust. If you have a PO please tell him. If you have a pastor, a family therapist, a close relative, tell them. Or come to PSST and share with the other parents. In this way you will receive support necessary to see that you are not the crazy one. We say this alot in PSST: Secrets Keep Us Sick.
6. If you cave-in once he starts the debating then you just taught him that this behavior is an effective way to manipulate adults. You can't afford it.
If you have other ideas for handling this tough situation, please leave your ideas in comments. Thanks.
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