Recently, I had the opportunity to have 15 teens from a Drug and Alcohol outpatient program tell me what were the most effective ways to get their way with their parents. Their answers might surprise you. This article is presented in five parts:
Part 1 – How Teens Manipulate
Part 2 – Approaches to dealing with Lying
Part 3 – The Guilting of the parent
Part 4 – An approach to the teen that does good things temporarily.
Part 5 - The Top Three Ways Teens Manipulate Parents: Conclusion-Part V
Part 1 – How Teens Manipulate
First of all we divided the teens up into three separate groups. Also, one parent sat in each group. We did not allow a parent to sit in a group in which their son or daughter was already sitting. Each group chose a group leader. Next, each group was given the task of deciding the top three manipulative techniques that help them get their own way with their parents. They were asked to form a group consensus, and we explained that a consensus is not taking a vote. It is debating and convincing each other so that the entire group agrees. The parents were not in the group to supervise, but to give their two cents and to function as a group participant.
After about 15 minutes each group had finished. After each small group gave it's report, the entire group engaged in group discussion to sort out the differences in the results. Funny thing is that there were not much differences. Each group more or less came up with the same three. Two groups came up with exactly the same list and one group had an almost identical list but in a different order. The following is the summary of our results.
3. Acting Really Good: The Third most effective technique is to begin to act responsibly. Convince your parent that you have really changed. After a while you will get what you want from them and you can go back to being irresponsible. One group added that while you are acting really good you can continue to sneakily be involved in the same unapproved activities.
2. Making a parent feel guilty: The Second most effective technique is to guilt your parent. Make them feel like it's really their fault or in some way make them feel that the reason that you have problems is because of them. We got examples of this from the teens who seemed to take pride in being able to push the right buttons so that their parents felt so bad that they just gave in. For example, tell your parent that they have lied to you in some way. You might have to stretch the truth a bit as to exactly what they said. If they think they lied they will try to make it up to you. Another way to make your parent feel guilty is to give them the silent treatment. They don't even have to know what they did at first but they will keep trying to find out and they will keep trying to make you feel better in any way that they can.
1. Lying: All the teens agreed that lying is the best way. One teen even offered some tips on how to be convincing when you lie. Stay calm he said. Look them in the eye. Just keep repeating the same story. Lots of discussion followed this as the teens talked about how quickly they could get their parents to believe them even if they had just gotten busted for lying. One of the bad things that can happen is that if you do this to much your parents might not believe you any more, even when you are telling the truth. Most of the teens in group agreed that lying is essential and that you have to be good at it.
(This is the conclusion of the first of a four-part series on Parent Manipulation. You can find the complete series and more information at http://gopsst.org/ in the next part we discuss How Can We Deal with Lying as Parents)
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Top Three Ways Teens Manipulate Parents: Part I
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Friday, January 09, 2009
Finding Hope in Recovery: Families Living with Addiction
Posted by:Ken Sutton--Thursday, January 08, 2009
This documentary will be aired on WTAE TV 04 ABC on January 18th 2009 at 1:00pm. I have not seen this documentary and I am not necessarily endorsing it. I think it helps us as parents to be as informed as we can be about this disease so I am sharing this information sight unseen with the risk that it is going be bad but the hope that it will be of some benefit.
No Meetings Until 2009
Posted by:Ken Sutton--Tuesday, December 23, 2008
The meeting between Christmas and New Years is cancelled. The next meeting is Jan 3, 2009.
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Is every moment a teachable moment? - The Mom Song
Posted by:Ken Sutton--Tuesday, December 16, 2008
One of the topics we talked about in group on Saturday was reminding our kids. How it drives them crazy and how it makes us insane. Take three minutes to check out this little video. I think it shows the good, the bad and the reality of what we do in a very funny way. Do you see yourself in here? Do you think our kids really see us this way?
Lloyd demonstrated the once-a-day planning technique to help planning that moves the focus of the planning to the child.
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Holiday Party Alert: December 20th 9:00 AM Eastern Dist Office
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Thursday, December 11, 2008
Please help us celebrate the Holidays at the Eastern District Office on December 20th at 8:30 AM. Bring food if you like but if not that's OK. We are opening the doors a little early but probably won't start the meeting part till 9:00 or a few minutes after.
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