I asked some teens for help. Here's what a group of teenagers said about what they hated most about getting consequences.
1. Too much lecture along with the consequences. This was a major theme. These teens weren’t complaining so much about the consequences but about all the stuff they have to listen to when their parent dish out the consequences. The less said at consequence time the better. This is a case where less is more.
Of course, getting yelled at can be a part of the consequences, and sometimes it constitutes all of the consequences. However, when you yell at your teen it often has a counterproductive effect. Just say it and move on is the better course of action. "Getting yelled at" is not a good consequence because it causes resentments and anger. "Why is Billy so angry?" Maybe we don't have to look to far to see that answer.
2. They don't listen to me. The teens felt that parents make very little effort to hear what they are saying.
Some parents might be afraid that if they let their teen know that they "hear" what the teen is saying that it is the same as agreeing. It is not. Quite often the teen is saying that life is unfair, or that the parents are being unfair. But parents want to show that they are being fair. And Parents want to convince Billy that they are fair. They want Billy to admit that they are fair. Consequently, parents tend to be defensive about that whole "fair thing."
In reality, a teenager can accept the consequences much easier if he feels that the parents have listened. Also, the parent is free to apply the same consequences whether or not they have attempted an active listening response. Active listening responses are not necessarily agreeing that the teen is "right." Except that parents are agreeing that the teen feels that way. The parents are also agreeing that their teenagers has good reasons to feel the way he feels. Don't forget that everyone has good reasons to feel the way that they feel- or at least they appear to be good reasons at the time that the feelings are generated.
Active Listening can be the glue that keeps relationships going though these difficult times. It is often a way to get your teenager to do better at accepting the consequences. But it isn't just a way to get your teen to do better at accepting the consequences. More than that, it's a great way to improve your relationship with your teenager.
More in my next post about Active Listening skills. I will break it down. You feel ___ because ___ is the formula. In the next post we will look at ways to creatively say that.
Giving Consequences
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Tuesday, April 01, 2008
Let's Take Back 4/20
Posted by:Ken Sutton--Tuesday, April 01, 2008
Sometimes things just get to me. True story. I was hanging out with my son, he is watching Cops on G4, a national cable channel owned by Comcast that targets his demographic; 16-24, male, video game player, likes action/adventure. I am sure they would be surprised to find me in front of the set. Oh, and this is around 4 PM on a weekday, you will see why the time matters in a second.
The commercial break comes and the nice folks at G4 run an add for their “420 lineup” for several drug related movies and cartoons. The voice-over is the vintage Cheech and Chong druggie stereotype. And now I am mad. Mad, because this is just another version of “just marijuana” and it is being run on TV shows that target our kids right after school and major corporations are sponsoring it.
For those of you who may not know, April 20th, 4/20, is some kind of national pot smoking day. The lore says it comes from 420 being the police call for marijuana use but I don’t know. All the kids know though.
So I called my local cable company and complained. They were very nice but not interested in doing anything. I found the G4 web site and found they were owned by Comcast. Comcast has an email address so I told them my story. They said they didn’t know anything about G4, they carry a lot of channels and see you later. I wrote back and gave them the clip from the G4 website that says that Comcast is the majority owner of G4. Comcast said OK but we don’t control programming content!?
I am still mad so I went to the FCC web site and filed a complaint online. I felt better.
Maybe we should try to take back April 20th? What if parents stand up and say that on 4/20 everyone comes straight home from school and stays in for the evening because it is dangerous out? Could the schools increase their vigilance for one day and go on the alert for drug use, maybe cancel all after school activities that day? Would the press get involved? Maybe probation officers could drug screen every client on 4/21. Maybe we could call our local police and ask them to set up DUI points on 4/20 just like New Years Eve.
How long is it going to take until we are as indignant about a major corporation encouraging drug use as we are about cartoon images of Joe Camel?
Did I mention that the G4 420 advertisement ran between two Cops segments that involved people getting arrested for drug use!
OK, I feel better. Let’s discuss this at our next PSST meeting.
No meeting on 3-29-08.
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Friday, March 28, 2008
We are being featured in an Alliance Video being shot on the morning of the 29th. If you are interested email Lloyd at lloyd.woodward@court.allegheny.pa.us or call me at 412-861-6757.
New Bridge to Hope Meeting Thursdays in Cranberry
Posted by:Ken Sutton--Friday, March 21, 2008
Weekly support group meetings for families affected by substance abuse.
Every Thursday, 7 p.m.
Garden Montessori School _ 204 Commerce Park Drive _ Cranberry Township
(Directions follow)
BRIDGE TO HOPE
There’s No Place Like Hope
The Bridge to Hope is an educational and support program, free of charge, for families and friends whose loved ones are affected by substance abuse.
The support group meets weekly at Garden Montessori School in Cranberry Township and is intended for people who have come to the realization that a family member is facing addiction.
The Bridge to Hope program is intended to bridge a gap between the realization of the problem and the need for solutions. It is a bridge to finding help and giving support to those who are - directly or indirectly - affected by addiction.
Please join us each Thursday evening. The Bridge to Hope support group is here for you to find Help, Support, and most important of all . . . to find Hope.
For additional information call:
412 367-6643
This Project was financed by a grant from the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania,
Department of Community and Economic Development.
We gratefully acknowledge Garden Montessori School for use of its facilities.
Directions to
204 Commerce Park Drive
Cranberry Township, PA 16066
From Pittsburgh and South:
a) Interstate 79-North to exit 78 onto Route 228, Cranberry/Mars
b) Turn left onto Route 228-West
c) At (major) traffic light intersection of Routes 228 and 19, turn right onto Route 19-North.
d) Continue on Route 19-North for 0.9-mile, and at fifth traffic light – turn left onto Rochester
Road.
e) Proceed approx. 300 feet and turn left onto Commerce Park Drive (just after car wash).
f) Continue on Commerce Park Drive for approx. _-mile to Building 2, 204 Commerce Park
Drive. Garden Montessori School will be on left side, close to end of building; sign on door.
From Erie and North:
a) Interstate 79-North to exit 78 onto Route 228, Cranberry/Mars
b) Turn right onto Route 228-West
c) At (major) traffic light intersection of Routes 228 and 19, turn right onto Route 19-North.
d) Continue on Route 19-North for 0.9-mile, and at fifth traffic light – turn left onto Rochester
Road.
e) Proceed approx. 300 feet and turn left onto Commerce Park Drive (just after car wash).
f) Continue on Commerce Park Drive for approx. _-mile to Building 2, 204 Commerce Park
Drive. Garden Montessori School will be on left side, close to end of building; sign on door.
Thanks to PSST for 100.00 Donation and for a tremendous Holiday Party
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Wednesday, January 23, 2008
On 12-15-07, we held our Holiday Party at our Wilkinsburg location. The food was a tremedous display as most parents brought in a special dish. Then, Val and I got a big surprise when we opened the Christmas card. Two fifty dollar bills dropped out...At first we thought, "Oh please, you folks know we are not allowed to accept gifts, but then we read the card, which said that this was a donation to the Coffee House Nation, a positive Peer group sober-fun activity club that in which myself, PO Tuma, and Val all participate. Of course we felt relieved and honored at this beautiful gesture.
So far, the money has been spent taking the club to the movies, and paying for pizza on Hockey Night out! Thanks PSST for you support. 
