The last time we met at Eastern, the theme of the group was Gratitude. A lot of good things were said. Mary suggested that I post about it- I thought it was a good idea- but here two weeks have flown by, we meet at Eastern again tomorrow, and I'm just now getting to it...
Time really does fly by, don't you think? In no time at all, our situations will have completely changed. Our teens will no longer be teens. We will be significantly older. And all the memories that we are making now will be just that- memories.
Recently, I turned a year older. These last few years, I have not enjoyed seeing the next birthday come. I think I'm just way to old to want to be a year older. This year for me was different. Maybe I am over the hump now and another year just doesn't matter. When you are my age its' like if you are really dirty, covered in mud, and wet down to your bones, and you see a mud puddle coming up. Why even walk around it? With all the dirt I got on I figure I'll just walk right through. Maybe another birthday just doesn't matter if you are already in your late fifties. What's one more?
On the other hand, maybe that's not it at all- forget the mud analogy. Maybe it was all the gratitude talk at that meeting two weeks ago that did it. Anyway, I felt grateful for this birthday. It means that I got to enjoy another year on this earth. That's not something that is given out to people each year. Some of us will never get another year. For some of us- our time has run out.
And as I mentioned on the Coffe House Nation blog, I felt Jessica B's presence at the Pirate Game. The empty seat was next to her closest friend. And she was only 18. And she will not be around another year. It's just hard for me to regret getting one more year older, when that intelligent, beautiful talented young lady will never see 19.
So, lately I think I have been thinking a lot about my blessings. About my grandchildren for example. And about my grown up kids. And about my family. Don't get me wrong- I have regrets- but they don't really seem as big as they did last year.
Of course, we want our teenagers to be grateful. It's important. For one thing, look at all the damn stuff we do and we did for them! They ought to be grateful! They owe us that, don't they? And secondly, we know if they loose their gratitude, they can't stay clean. So, we get scared when they show this sense of entitlement- that the world owes them everything! Just because. Just because we brought them into this world I guess.
But where do they get off with that sense of entitlement anyway? Where did they learn it? Who did they get that off of? TV? Friends? Drugs? Wonder if they get any of it from us? You see, many of us have that sense of entitlement too. We have it when we face our kids. "After all I've done for you- you do this to me?" For example, when a teen relapses, this is often what parents say or at least think to their kids.
I wonder sometimes if it would be easier to have a oppositional defiant child who grows up to have many issues including drug addiction or if it would be easier to have a Downs syndrome child who lives to teen years. Either condition can lead to fatality at an early age. Both conditions must cause a lot of stress on the family. Apples and oranges? Perhaps. But I think for some people, the Downs baby would be easier even though it would in so many ways be more heart-breaking. The difference, I think, is that a parent would know that the Downs baby did not choose to be that way. They are innocent. But the drug addict- he chooses to hurt his family, the same family that has given him so much and sacrificed so heavily. He can go on to live a normal life - but he chooses to be a drug addict.
So, I don't have an answer to that one. I know, I know, I have the radio shack reputation- you got questions- Lloyd has answers. But some of this is just hard to wade through. What are we grateful for when our oppositionally defiant drug addict teenager just won't get it? How do we keep the focus on our own gratitude, when he keeps relapsing?
And now I am reminded again of what Ed B http://relapse-psst.blogspot.com/2007/07/if-addict-is-going-to-relapse-there-is.html said at our Greentree meeting about a month ago. He asked himself what it was that he owed his son, who also struggles with this disease of addiction. He only came up with three things. First: unconditional love. As Ken mentioned at a recent meeting, this really means that one refuses to withhold love in an effort to control his addicts drug abuse.
Second: Responsibility. I like to think of this as accountability. The parent refuses to enable his son out of the consequences of his addicition. Consequenes help us learn. We learn from failure in a much more effective way sometime than we learn from success. So, a Parent allows their child to fail especially if he is active in his drug addiction.
Third: lead by example. Indeed, demonstrating a good example of a healthy person in pursuit of happiness is a gift to your child. A gift that by the way, may keep giving long after you are dead, because we never really forget our parents and we study them with an intensity that we usually do not show for other people.
This last is where we can demonstrate gratitude. It is so much more powerful to be grateful and to show your teenager that you are grateful for whatever your blessings are, than it is to motivate them to be grateful by lecture or talking them into it.
As Mary pointed out, Gratitude is contagious. So, is a lack of gratitude. They are both contagious. Let's decide which we want to attempt to pass on to our teenagers. And then let's get moving. We have today. Tommorow isn't promised. Either we might not be here- or our teenager might not be here.
If you have read all this, you may be saying "that's easy for you to say, you don't have the cross that I have to bear." Well, you don't know the other person's cross though do you? We all have them. They just come in different forms.
Anyhow, let me close this by telling one really big thing that I am grateful for. YOU. All of you. all of you have taught me so many things in our meetings and outside of our meetings too. As your child's Probation Officer I keep learning off of you all daily. People sometimes ask me why I choose to work every Saturday morning when I don't have too. They might not understand. I love going to work on Saturday Mornings. It's the best part of the week, and I am very lucky to get to work with all of you wonderful people. You are all the best- you are my heroes. You toil endlessly to save your children's life. What better thing is there to do? Yes, they pay me- but if money was no object- I would do this just for fun and for personal growth. So, to all of you terrific parents out there- thanks.
Gratitude (and the three things you might owe your child.)
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Friday, August 03, 2007
Reality Tour site at Mars Home for Youth
Posted by:Ken Sutton--Thursday, July 26, 2007
CANDLE, Inc. is pleased to announce the dates for our newest Reality Tour Drug Prevention program site at Mars Home for Youth on Route 228. www.realitytour.org
Upcoming dates are: August 9th, Sept. 13th, Oct. 11th, Nov. 8th, Dec. 13th.
The program is suitable for parents with children ages 10+. We do accept groups and you are welcome to call our reservation number 724-679-6612 to make arrangements. Registration forms are online at www.realitytour.org.
We could use a few more volunteers at this site: . . .
Call 724-679-6612 to volunteer
Group Leaders are needed and the duties are that of an 'usher'. (Teens or adults - 1x per mo. 3 hrs.)
Butler and Mars sites are looking for addicts in recovery (1 yr min.) for speaker opportunities in our Q & A session. Parents of those afflicted by addiction are welcome to volunteer as well. We have 6 active parents in our Butler programs and several have been with us since the beginning ('03), stating that working with the program empowers them in the battle against addiction.
Over 2500 Butler residents have attended the program to date. We are working with 3 schools that are dedicating a grade level to the Reality Tour experience by promoting attendance to parents. In coming years all the upper grades of these schools will have a significant percentage of students and parents that have attended the program. Surveys show the experience is long lasting. We also now accept a school's disciplinary action students on a priority basis through our at-risk access. Schools must notify CANDLE of their intent to use the at-risk access.
By the end of the year the University of Pittsburgh's School of Pharmacology will have completed their research study of the Reality Tour for submission to the national registry of evidence-based programs in '08.
We have also opened a Reality Tour site on campus at Slippery Rock University, so in Butler County there are 3 locations. Across PA 16 communities are presenting the program and 4 are pending. We hope to bridge the gap between Butler County and the Reality Tour in downtown Pittsburgh in '08 by adding more sites in communities along the Rte 79 corridor.
Please fwd this notice to anyone you like. Call if you have questions.
Regards,
Norma Norris
Norma J. Norris
Executive Director
CANDLE, Inc.
www.realitytour.org
Ph: 724-679-1788
PIRATE GAME ROCKED (see photos)
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Saturday, July 21, 2007
Click above link for more...
Type rest of the post here
New Post on Relapse Blog by Ed A.
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Saturday, July 21, 2007
Click the link above to go to Sister-PSST Blog on Relapse Issues.
Type rest of the post here
Rules of the Road
Posted by:Ken Sutton--Thursday, July 19, 2007
My child has returned home recently from a 1 month rehab and 4 month stay at a halfway house. As a condition of returning home I suggested some changes to the baseline Conditions of Supervision that the probation officer (Lloyd) usually uses. We reviewed and adjusted the rules together to get to this final document before it was presented to my child. Names and specifics have been changed.
A lot of these changes were gleaned from other professionals and parents over the years who have shared their wisdom.
I have used a planning methodology called SMART in the past. It was an acronym for Specific Measurable Attainable Realistic Timely. I tried to apply these principals to all of the goals.
One of my favorite quotes is "Men plan, God laughs". I have annotated the rules so you can see how it is going so far.
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These conditions of supervision my be amended at the discretion of the Probation Officer. We are expecting changes to be made in the short term (this leaves the door open if you forget anything)
COMMUNITY PROTECTION CONDITIONS:
1) Obey all laws.
2) Do not leave Allegheny County without the permission of the probation officer. Exception: in the company of his parents or with parents permission to a border county.
3) Advise the probation officer IMMEDIATELY of any change in address or telephone number.
4) Do NOT possess or employ firearms, fireworks, weapons, or other instruments of crime.
5) Adhere to the following curfew: 24 hour house arrest until further notice. Travel only with parents.
6) No driving until further notice. (this one is tough, it takes a lot of driving to support all of meetings and therapy and the house arresst means no rides from friends to meetings. It does help in establishing the goal of what do you need to do to get a car)
7) Socialize only with peers that the parents and Probation Officer approve of and DO NOT socialize with those that are known to use illegal substances or those who are known to commit crime. No phone, letters, email, IM, facebook, myspace messages or face-to-face with unapproved peers. Unapproved peers include but are not limited to: LIST UNAPPROVED PEERS HERE.
a) Males-until further notice (this one is very difficult to enforce - in discussions with the PO we decided to drop it after two weeks)
b) L
c) C
d) S
8) Call sponsor every day during the first phase of Probation; call other recovering peers each day; join a Home Group and attend Home Group Meetings.
ACCOUNTABILITY CONDITIONS:
9) Make contact with the Probation Officer daily including holidays and weekends via phone. Report to the probation officer as directed and agree that the probation officer may visit at any time.
10) Notify the probation officer within forty-eight hours of being questioned or arrested by a law enforcement officer.
11)
12) Do not possess or consume alcohol, marijuana, cocaine, or any other illegal drugs.
13) Submit to random Drug & Alcohol Urinalysis or saliva testing by parents or Probation Officer.
14) Submit to search by Probation Officer or parents if requested.
15) Complete community service at the mission trip 7/23-7/27.
16) Attend at least one recover related activity per day. Attend 12 step meetings from Prayer to Prayer.
17) Follow all discharge recommendations of
18) Make sure that a parent approves of all activities and plans. There should be no unapproved or unaccounted for time. Treat Parents with respect.
COMPETENCY CONDITIONS:
19) Accomplish the following educational and/ or vocational goals: to be determined
20) Complete a D&A Intensive Outpatient Counseling Program:
21) Enroll in and participate in an therapy or counseling approved by Probation Officer and Parents. Develop a written plan by 8/7/07 and review that plan with your support team. (this was designed to make sure they own their own health issues)
22) Attend one church service on a weekly basis at .
23) Establish a workout plan and visit the gym minimum 3 times per week.
24) Attend the drama workshops on Thursday night at .
25) Cell phone is only to be used for recover activities. Do not erase phone numbers from phone memory. Do not accept restricted calls. Provide phone to be reviewed when requested. Leave phone on kitchen table at night.
26) Do not use the house phone.
27) Do not use the Internet.
28) Asleep by midnight and up by 8 AM or as needed to make recovery commitments.
29) Make and keep all Dr. appointments. Take care of health needs.
30) Keep a day timer of daily commitments.
31) Move property from halfway house to home by 7/15
32) Assist with moving to upstairs bedroom. By 7/23
(these two were included so the child could own all of the responsibility of moving back home. This worked well - it gave a great focus for the first two weeks)
33) Help with weekly house chores and home repair projects as needed.
34) Keep your room neat and do your own wash.
35) Your are not to have more than $10 cash on you at any time.
36) Any cash you receive is to be transferred to your parent’s custody.
