Lloyd talked about Parent Talking Points this week and it started me thinking and reviewing past roll plays for a list. When I got the list down they kind of naturally fell out into categories. Help me add to the list and wordsmith these points so we can share them with others – leave a comment!
Saftey
I will do anything I have to keep your safe.
I will tell your probation officer everything. That means everything from 5 minutes late on curfew to a disrespectful attitude. No secrets.
I will call the police, your probation officer, the school or anyone else
I think can help me keep you safe from drugs.
Nevertheless, this is non-negotiable.
Power
Yes, I put you in here and I will keep you in here as long as it takes
for you to learn the skills needed for recovery from drugs.
Your father/mother and I are on the same page on this. In fact, if you try to get in between us we are going to hold you accountable. No staff splitting. Do not ask one of us for an answer after you have been given an answer by the other.
You are right, I don't trust you. You have to do the work to regain that
trust and that will take time.
If following the rules associated with the cell phone is a problem I will
cancel the cell phone.
Nevertheless, this is non-negotiable.
Regardless.
Clairity
You cannot use drugs and live in this house.
Do not use drugs ever. Do not drink ever. Do not hang around with
people who use drugs or drink.
Nevertheless, never bring drugs into this house. Never bring drugs to
school. Never take drugs!
Regardless, it is illegal. Never smoke weed, never bring it into this
house and never bring it to school.
Medical
If the pressures of living a drug free life are making you want to use
drugs you should call your sponsor or go to a meeting. Only you are
responsible for you.
If you are having suicidal thoughts I will call 911 immediately.
Love
I love you and will continue to support you.
I am proud of you.
I forgive you.
How can I help support your program?
Not really a talking point but keep in mind that talking is overrated. Demonstrate by your actions.
Stop discussions when they get out of hand – walk away.
Set the date, time and location for meaningful discussions. Control the start and the end.
Make weekly calls to the probation officer where they can hear you.
Control who sits where in the car.
Control the car audio system and music selection.
Have the cell phone number changed.
Give hugs of encouragement.
Give small gifts to celebrate clean time.
Go to NA meetings to see them get key tags – hug them and leave.
Parent Talking Points
Posted by:Ken Sutton--Monday, April 30, 2007
Get Serious petition urging elected official to support common-sense, research-based solutions to reduce underage drinking.
Posted by:Ken Sutton--Wednesday, April 25, 2007
While this cartoon might make you chuckle, it's a sobering fact that this year, more than 5,000 underage youth will die from alcohol-related causes -- that’s more than 13 kids every day. Meanwhile, slick beer industry marketing saturates TV, the Internet, sporting events, magazines -- everywhere. Worried about their profits, beer executives brazenly tell politicians they don't want kids to drink, then use their lobbying muscle to block effective strategies that do keep youth away from alcohol.
Will you take a stand? Click here to sign the petition.
Type rest of the post here
Top 10 Addiction Myths — and Myth Busters
Posted by:Ken Sutton--Friday, April 20, 2007
(From the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation's "Silent Treatment: Addiction in America" project, produced by Public Access Journalism LLC.)
Think you know about addiction? Then these common myths may sound familiar:
Myth 1: Drug addiction is voluntary behavior. You start out occasionally using alcohol or other drugs, and that is a voluntary decision. But as times passes, something happens, and you become a compulsive drug user. Why? Because over time, continued use of addictive drugs changes your brain — in dramatic, toxic ways at times, more subtly at others, but virtually always in ways that result in compulsive and even uncontrollable drug use.
Myth 2: Drug addiction is a character flaw. Drug addiction is a brain disease. Every type of drug — from alcohol to heroin — has its own mechanism for changing how the brain functions. But regardless of the addiction, the effects on the brain are similar, ranging from changes in the molecules and cells that make up the brain to mood and memory processes — even on motor skills such as walking and talking. The drug becomes the single most powerful motivator in your life.
Myth 3: You can't force someone into treatment. Treatment does not have to be voluntary. Those coerced into treatment by the legal system can be just as successful as those who enter treatment voluntarily. Sometimes they do better, as they are more likely to remain in treatment longer and to complete the program. In 1999, over half of adolescents admitted into treatment were directed to do so by the criminal justice system.
Myth 4: Treatment for drug addiction should be a one-shot deal. Like many other illnesses, drug addiction typically is a chronic disorder. Some people can quit drug use “cold turkey,” or they can stop after receiving treatment just one time at a rehabilitation facility. But most people who abuse drugs require longer-term treatment and, in many instances, repeated treatments.
Myth 5: We should strive to find a "magic bullet" to treat all forms of drug abuse. There is no “one size fits all” form of drug treatment, much less a magic bullet that suddenly will cure addiction. Different people have different drug abuse-related problems. And they respond very differently to similar forms of treatment, even when they're abusing the same drug. As a result, drug addicts need an array of treatments and services tailored to address their unique needs. Finding an approach that is personally effective can mean trying out several different doctors or treatment centers before a “match” is found between patient and program.
Myth 6: People don't need treatment. They can stop using drugs if they really want to. It is extremely hard for people addicted to drugs to achieve and maintain long-term abstinence. Research shows that when long-term drug use actually changes a person's brain function, it causes them to crave the drug even more, making it increasingly difficult to quit without effective treatment. Intervening and stopping substance abuse early is important, as children become addicted to drugs much faster than adults and risk greater physical, mental and psychological harm.
Myth 7: Treatment just doesn't work. Studies show drug treatment reduces drug use by 40 to 60 percent and can significantly decrease criminal activity during and after treatment. There is also evidence that drug addiction treatment reduces the risk of infectious disease, Hepatitis C and HIV infection — intravenous-drug users who enter and stay in treatment are up to six times less likely to become infected with HIV — and improves the prospects for getting and keeping a job up to 40 percent.
Myth 8: No one voluntarily seeks treatment until they hit rock bottom. There are many things that can motivate a person to enter and complete treatment before that happens. Pressure from family members and employers, as well as personal recognition that they have a problem, can be powerful motivators. For teens, parents and school administrators are often driving forces in getting them into treatment before situations become dire.
Myth 9: People can successfully finish drug abuse treatment in a couple of weeks if they're truly motivated. For treatment to have an effect, research indicates a minimum of 90 days of treatment for outpatient drug-free programs, and 21 days for short-term inpatient programs. Follow-up supervision and support are essential. In all recovery programs, the best predictor of success is the length of treatment. Patients who are treated for at least a year are more than twice as likely to remain drug free, and a recent study showed adolescents who met or exceeded the minimum treatment time were over one and a half times more likely to stay away from drugs and alcohol.
Myth 10: People who continue to abuse drugs after treatment are hopeless. Completing a treatment program is merely the first step in the struggle for recovery that can last a lifetime. Drug addiction is a chronic disorder; occasional relapses do not mean failure. Psychological stress from work or family problems, social cues — meeting some from the drug-using past — or the environment — encountering streets, objects or even smells associated with drug use — can easily trigger a relapse. Addicts are most vulnerable to drug use during the few months immediately following their release from treatment. Recovery is a long process and frequently requires multiple treatment attempts before complete and consistent sobriety can be achieved.
(Sources: National Institute on Drug Abuse, National Institute of Health; Dr. Alan I. Leshner, former director of the National Institute on Drug Abuse; “The Principles of Drug Addiction Treatment: A Research-Based Guide” (October 1999); The Partnership for a Drug-Free America)
Summary of 4-14-07 Alliance Office PSST
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Saturday, April 14, 2007
Nine parents attended this meeting at the Alliance Office in the North Hills. Powerlessness was a huge topic. Our role-play can best be entitled "Let's all blame Mom." Most participated in some aspect of the role-play. I was not needed in this role-play, not even as a coach! The parents all did a terrific job. Each parent who played the Mom put the drama in a new light! Fantastic job. Special thanks to the parent who contributed this role-play and was willing to act it out with us. The following written role-play is inspired by what you all did...
Role-play: Ganging up on Mom.
Mom: Honey, the weed smoking and the alcohol abuse that you are doing is unacceptable. I hope with what happened at school, with the marijuana that they found in your school locker- I hope you can see that now.
Son: It's your fault! You are the one who got me busted.
Dad: Did you really do that? Did you call the school about our son and get him in trouble?
Mom: Yes.
Son: See, I told you Dad! She is a witch! There is no way you could do that to me- ooooooo- I am so pizzed at you for that you evil witch!
Dad: Son, just calm down now.
Son: I told you she did that! You said "no she wouldn't do that!"
Dad: C'mon now Son, I have to put up with her too you know. [winks at mother as though this joke is an inside one.]
Son: She's your wife, "DAD," and she wont' even listen to what YOU tell her.
Dad: [Looking at Mom] Why didn't you tell me you were thinking of calling the school?
Mom: Didn't think I needed to!
Dad: Well, you should have told me- I would have told you if I was thinking of doing something like that. I don't think we should ever call the school about stuff like that- now look at this mess!
Mom: You think this is my fault?
Dad: No, it's his fault for having the marijuana at school. But I just don't think you handled it right. I wish you wouldn't go off making phone calls like that!
Mom: OK, OK, OK, Let me get this straight- hold on now. [Looking back and forth from the Son to the Father. ] So, I called the school and told them that I thought that you were using drugs because I've been worried about that. You know we have talked about this. I asked them if they could advise me about where to go to get help for you. They decided to check your locker, and they found the Marijuana that you had put there?
Son: Yes, I PUT it there! OK Mom, does that float your boat? I PUT it there- you got me busted- I just hope your're happy! Dad and I both know you shouldn't have done that.
Dad: Settle down Son, lets don't all start yelling. I know you have a hard time getting along with you mother- sometimes it's hard for me too.
Dad: [Looking at Mom]- Can you see where you've screwed everything up now?
Mom: Do you think he put the marijuana in his locker because of me then?
Dad: Oh you're just too hard on the kid- You've always been too hard on him. I think that's probably why he feels that he has to smoke marijuana.
Son: It is why; I have to figure out a way to cope with you, don't I, you vicious witch.
Dad: Now now son...
Son: It's true. Hey Mom, want me to get your broomstick out of the closet so you can ride to a PTA meeting and tell em some more shyt about me?
Dad: Son, I don't appreciate how you're treating your mother.
Son: You don't?
Dad: No I do not! I have to deal with her all the time, dont' I, and you don't see me calling her names.
Mom: [Moving in closer to Dad] You often undermine me in front of our Son. I am trying to help him stop using drugs and you don't help at all; in fact, you pull the rug out from under me all the time with him. Never undermine me in front of our Son. If you want to tell me that you disagree with me, talk to me in private.
Dad: Oh my God, it must be great to be you! You just get to look down on everyone else don't you? It must be lonely way up on the white horse of yours. Well just ride off on it then, leave us alone. And bring me my bottle of whiskey over there before you ride off- this meeting is making me thirsty...
Son: Yep, that's what I been telling you Dad, you got to take something just to be able to handle the evil witch.
Pause
Mom: [Looking at Dad] I need to talk to you in private!
Dad: No! You can talk in front of our Son, because he needs to hear what you've got to say for your self, you know, for the rotten trick you pulled on him.
Mom: Ok, good point- maybe he does need to hear some of this.
Mom: [Looking at Son and moving closer] [Lowing her voice and speaking lower] Do not take drugs. Do not use alcohol. Never bring drugs home and never take drugs to school. Be ADVISED, that this witch will always get right off her broomstick and go to the phone to call school officials and police. I will not tolerate you smoking marijuana or abusing any other subtance and I will stop you by whatever means necessary...
Dad: [interrupting] You don't mean that you would pull that on him again do you? I told you - I don't think that is too good an idea!
Mom: [focusing on Son, not on Dad but she answers Dad's comment more effectively this way] Oh, for your information. HE [points at dad], can NOT protect you from me. This witch is going to patrol the home daily, and if you persist in bringing drugs into this house- I will see that you get help for this problem if you have to be marched off in handcuffs.
Dad: You can't say that!
Mom: [Still looking at Son] Nevertheless, never bring drugs into this house. Never bring drugs to school. Never take drugs! Yesterday, I contacted ACT 53. If you continue to refuse to see a therapist or participate in outpatient, then there will be a court date. I am filing a petition that will force you to have an assessment and treatment for your drug problem.
Son: Dad, stop her- she's crazy!
Dad: You're not going to keep making phone calls like that one, are you?
Mom: [Still looking at Son] Regardless, I will go through your room. I will go though your cell phone, and if you do not allow me to go through your cell phone, I will cancel the phone. I might just cancel it anyway...
Dad: What! that's not your phone- you can't cancel that!
Mom: [Still looking at Son even though it was Dad who spoke the last complaint.] Regardless, I will cancel the your phone if you continue to refuse to participate in outpatient. I will call outside this house for help in a New York Minute. For one thing, I understand that I will get no help from anyone else in this family.
Son: This is all your fault you witch! [rasing voice.]
Mom: Oh, yes, this IS something that I will take a little bit of credit for- but you have no idea how far I am willing to go to see that you do not do drugs.
Dad: Please stop this. [Wincing].
Mom: [Now looking at Dad, finally] Until you sit down with me alone and in private to discuss our Son's drug problem, I have nothing else to say to you about this.
Dad: You are not the boss of me!
Mom: Regardless, I have NOTHING to say to you. [Moving in closer as she says this, which seems to suggest that she has volumes to tell him, but just not right now!]
Dad: You haven't heard the last of this!
Mom: Nevertheless, I have nothing more for you until you are ready to sit down in private with me.
Mom: [Looking back at Son, who is starting to look worried, like he is afraid that she will go get that broomstick; he really did not expect mom to be this bold in front of Dad!] You won't believe this now but I will tell you anyway! I love you.
Son: Yeah right, you NEVER loved me! You don't love me now, not like Dad does; you just want to get me put away!
Mom: Nevertheless, it is because I love you that I will stop at nothing to see that you quit doing drugs and drinking alcohol.
Son: Dad drinks, why can't I smoke weed? Weed is better for you than alcohol. If I stop drinking, can I still smoke weed? Everyone knows weed isn't bad for you.
Mom: [Mom does not bite on that hook!] Regardless, it is illegal. Never smoke weed, never bring it into this house and never bring it to school. It is illegal and I will call for help again if I have to. Is that clear?
Son: YES! Leave me alone. I hate you! No one else's mother is as evil as you are! Why can't you be cool like other parents?
Mom: Nevertheless, never use drugs or alcohol.
Son: "Nevertheless- nevertheless, I HATE that word!
Mom: Regardless, never use drugs. Never have them at home or at school. [Mother gets up to leave, and walk away but she turns towards Dad when she hears him speak...]
Dad: Wait, I've got something else to say to you!
Mom: Really? I'd say you better make an appointment for that private meeting then! [Mom walks off, gets on her broom, revs the engine, and flys away into the sunset...]
Also, for estranged or divorced Parents visit this role-play http://nevertheless-psst.blogspot.com/2006/12/parent-vs-parent.html.
Idea: Manny the Manipulator
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Ken and I have been talking about having one place where you can go to see all the manipulative techniques that our kids use. This could be ongoing, and we can start now by collecting comments from readers. What great diversions and power-plays do your teens throw at you? We thought about calling this one Manny the Manipulator...
We thought that we can divide these into types or categories (like power plays or pushing limits) under which there will be many variations. Ken's thinking is we can end up with something like "If your teen says this ____; you can reply with ______. "
Of course, a lot of the time, we are just recommending that the reply is a power word such as "nevertheless" or "regardless," but not all the time. Rather than just becoming robot responders, we can throw in an empathic statement along with the power word, or if the manipulation opens the door to one of our talking points, then we can respond with something like, "that is a really good question" OR "I'm so glad you brought that up. "
Also, some particular things that teens say might call for very specific responses, such as a suicidal threat. We never want to treat a suicidal threat as a mere manipulation, because we know that teens who threaten suicide, and who do not really seem to be trying very hard to carry out that threat, actually do kill themselves. Therefore, all threats to hurt themselves or to hurt others should be taken seriously and the teen should be taken to an ER at a local hospital or at WPIC for evaluation. In an emergency, 911 should be called. Oddly enough, once the teen knows that this is your standard response, they are less likely to use this threat as a manipulative ploy.
The first category of manipulations that I am thinking of is when the teen tries to turn things back on the parent. For example:
Manny: You always let (insert name of older sibling) stay out till one, why can't I stay out that late?
Manny: You lie all the time! I could never trust you!
Manny: You have a drink or two every night, why can't i smoke weed?
Manny: You only want me to stay home because you have no life, and no friends! You want me to be a looser like you are!
Manny: You are so uncool. You don't know anything about kids today Mom. I have to tell you everything.
Manny: You need to wear better clothes. Throw those rags away! I'll tell you what to wear, gee you don't know anything- do you!
Manny: You don't know anything about recovery or about drug addiction, do you? Don't tell me I need to call my sponsor when you never had a sponsor and you don't know squat.
Manny: You always need to call my Probation Officer. You can't just be a parent and handle me. Why can't you just be my mom and we can handle it instead of always calling my PO and whining about me. You need to grow up and be a mom! That PO ain't my Daddy!
Manny: You're just jealous because I HAVE friends!
Manny: You're trying to work my program for me!
Manny: You are so negative! All you do is bytch at me! Can't you say anything good? What about all those days that I didn't get high? All I hear about is the stuff I do wrong!
Manny: You put me in this place. It's cause you don't want me at home! Now you can just be with your boyfriend; that's why you got rid of me!
This is just a few of the one's where the "Teen Turns Things Back On The Parent." This is just to start us off. There are so many of these both in this category and in other categories. Other categories might include, "Turning Parent against Parent, PO, Teacher, Counselor, or Rehab," "Getting loud and having a tantrum," "Threatening (such as 'I am going out anyway')," "Badgering (where any thing is thown out until the parent just caves in), and other categories as well. I realize that some of these overlap. We want this to end up being comprehensive, so we really need help to gather them all up- so please leave some comments here. Eventually, we think we might devote a dedicated space on the web site to these so that parents can see the manipulations and possible answers to them.
