Starting March 10, 2007 the meeting time is changed to Saturday from 9-11:30. Monday night meetings are being discontinued. The first and third Saturdays of the month the meeting location will be at the Eastern Community Based Probation office. The second and forth Saturdays of the month the meeting location will be hosted at the Alliance Office in the North. Directions and details are on the website and the attached brochure.
New Meeting Locations and Times
Posted by:Ken Sutton--Sunday, March 04, 2007
FEAR
Posted by:Ken Sutton--Thursday, March 01, 2007
FEAR
(This was written by John Clayton a member of the Bridge to Hope Family Support Group. The group meets 7 PM every Wednesday in the Donor Hall Conference Room at UPMC Passavant Hospital - all are welcome)Among all of the emotional upheavals that invade the lives of families affected by substance abuse and addiction, FEAR is probably the most common. In all of my interactions with other families who have been impacted by this curse, it is the one universal feeling that just won’t go away. In many cases, FEAR is overpowering, paralyzing normal activity, thought processes, health and life in general. FEAR is an automatic reaction to family member addiction and is as natural as any other reflex. It is very hard to control and seems infinite in its longevity.
In order to better understand FEAR and how to mitigate its influence on our lives, we need to define the difference between “good” fear and “bad” fear....
or said another way, “rational” fear and “irrational” fear. “Good,” or “rational” fear is characterized by our ability to control, or at least partially control, its contributors, and is absolutely necessary for survival in this life. Fear is one of God’s greatest gifts for conditioning us to danger and equipping us to deal with it. We have all heard the fable of the child who was fearless around the hot stove until his hand was burned. The fear of pain created in the child by that experience was a great life lesson and probably prevented much worse injury throughout the rest of his life. “Bad,” or “irrational” fear is characterized by our total lack of any kind of control over the situation and though disguised as a real fear, it is not much more than “worry.” Dwelling on “bad” fears, also known as pathological worrying, is a path to perdition!
In our battle to achieve recovery from the woes of a family member’s addiction, there are “good” and “rational” fears that can warn of danger. They need not be paralyzing; on the contrary, they can be useful in helping us devise ways to reduce or eliminate the fear and allow us to move forward. These rational fears need to be responded to differently than “bad” or “irrational” fears. Let’s have a look at some representative examples of both, starting with “good” or “rational” fears and some positive and logical responses to them:
Facts that Evoke Appropriate Reaction
(Good Fear)
∑ Fear of abuse and/or the premature death of our loved one: Every month, the news of violent assault and death at the hands of drug dealers or other addicts, either through murder or overdose, is enough proof of the legitimacy of this fear. A constructive and appropriate response can be to pro-actively do anything and everything we can to protect our loved one from harm. Sometimes, this will mean assisting in, or at the very least, not impeding our loved one’s arrest. They will be safer in confinement than on the street. It may also mean working with the addict to find an in-patient rehabilitation facility that will be safe, educational and the beginning of a process of recovery and the ultimate eradication of this threat. Once the recovery process is underway, it may mean providing “safe haven” in the family home for some period of time.
∑ Fear of financial ruin: The high cost of rehabilitation, combined with the relative paucity of meaningful insurance coverage, together with the personal property and cash losses typically sustained by the family at the hands of the addicted family member, proves that this is clearly a rational fear. An appropriate response would be to safeguard all valuables, including cash, credit and debit cards, checkbooks, jewelry, electronics, car keys and all other items of value in the home during the period of active addiction. It also may be wise to steer the addicted family member into the “system” where much of the major expense of rehabilitation is covered by government programs. It is also advisable to consult with an attorney to investigate legal ways to protect assets.
∑ Fear that the family will be irrevocably destroyed: Clearly, the stress that addiction places on the entire family is intense and the potential for the destruction of the family is real. Siblings of an addict may feel alienated due to the attention being given to the addict; parents will feel the stress and may begin to turn on each other; finances may become strained; family life may become a constant turmoil with no end in sight; the temptation to end it by fleeing may become overwhelming for one spouse or the other, or perhaps, even both. One positive response to this fear is to seek support from appropriate resources such as a family support group, psychologist, clergyman, or professional counselor. Recognition of the symptoms of a deteriorating family and qualified support to deal with them can effectively address this fear.
∑ Fear that addiction will “spread” to other family members: As we have seen numerous times, the potential for substance abuse to claim other family members is real, happens frequently, and exponentially multiplies the misery of everyone involved. This fear can be mitigated by taking serious, formalized steps to embrace prevention through discussion, education, providing real-life examples of the dire consequences of substance abuse and being a good role model for the rest of the family. It can also be addressed by applying what we have learned about denial, enabling, co-dependency, treatment, and consequence when the first signs of “spreading” to others in the family appear on the horizon!
In every example above, it is clear that the fear is justified. It is also clear that families can mitigate these fears by recognizing them for what they are....nature’s way of alerting us to impending danger.... and equipping us with action plans to deal with them. When we analyze these fears and apply appropriate responses, they become less onerous and hence, less debilitating.
Now for a look at “bad” or “irrational” fears.
False Evidence that Appears Real
(Bad Fear)
∑ Fear that our family’s reputation is or will be ruined by the circumstances of our loved one’s addiction: This is a perfectly understandable fear in light of the societal stigma typically ascribed to the situation. However, when we analyze this fear, to whom are we giving the power to destroy our reputations? The press? People we don’t know? Neighbors with whom we don’t interact? Society in general? Let’s face it....how we are perceived by others is usually a product of how well they know us. People who knew and loved us before the problem became manifest will know and love us while the problem is active, during the recovery process, and into the far distant future. We should never confuse the fear of ruined reputation with the equally unwarranted emotion of “shame.” If we were able to hold our heads high before the addiction occurred, then we can do the same after it is discovered. People who think less of us because of a family member’s addiction are the ones with the problem, not us.
∑ Fear for our addicted family member’s future: This is a legitimate concern, but since the addict is the only one who controls it, and since it truly does not represent “danger,” succumbing to it, spending time and energy thinking about it, and suffering anxiety over it are all counter-productive to achieving our own recovery. The principle of “letting go” really applies with this fear!
∑ Fear of our recovering addict’s potential for relapse: Here again, we cannot control this possibility, so allowing our own physical and mental health to be adversely impacted by focusing on it takes away from the energy we could be better exerting on positive responses to fears we do control. Some believe that relapse is actually an expected occurrence in the recovery process and others are terrified of it. Regardless of your position on the subject, it still qualifies as “not in our control.”
∑ Fear of failure: This is one of the most paralyzing fears of all, not only as it relates to helping our addicted family member but in life generally. Failure is a very intimidating event, but fear of failure must be confronted. If we think we’re going to fail, we will fail. Success, however we define it, is far more likely to be achieved when we remove this fear from our consciousness and continue to try….always try…. regardless of setbacks encountered along the way. Our son went through outpatient rehab and it didn’t work. He went through psychological counseling and that didn’t work. He went to in-patient rehabilitation and that didn’t work. He tried self-therapy, applying intellectual rationale to his problem, staying sober to avoid consequences, and that didn’t work, as he relapsed after two years of clean time. And then he went to the 12-month Teen Challenge program, where his life was changed, his values were established and reinforced, and he experienced his first real success in defeating his addiction. That was almost three years ago now. If we had recoiled in fear of failure after his first outpatient experience, we would not be in the enviable position we enjoy today. His potential for recovery was enhanced by a belief that we and he could indeed succeed.
Fear, then, it seems, can be a helpful force of nature in some circumstances and a serious impediment to progress in others. As with any other emotion, we need to understand where it comes from, whether or not we have control over it by our actions and reactions, and how best to respond in order to move forward and achieve our ultimate goals. As our nation entered World War II, Franklin Roosevelt was quoted as saying, “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” As our families confront the war against substance abuse, addiction and turmoil, I would elaborate somewhat on President Roosevelt’s wise observation thusly: “The only thing we have to fear is not appropriately responding to our fears.” If we shrink from fears of circumstances that involve our ability to mitigate them, or dwell on fears of things over which we have no control, we are headed toward misery and sorrow; conversely, if we respond appropriately to fears of circumstances over which we have significant control and drive out our fears of the uncontrollable, we will be heading down the right road, rocky as it may be from time to time.
2/07
Read More......
Drug Forum with Marty Griffin on KDKA 3/22
Posted by:Ken Sutton--Friday, February 16, 2007
On March 22, 2007, the Alliance will host the second annual Drug Forum with Marty Griffin. This event will take place live on air with Marty during his radio talk show, KDKA from 9:00 to Noon at the Orchard Hill Church, Wexford.
Coffeehouse Nation
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Sunday, February 11, 2007
What is Coffeehouse Nation? Coffeehouse Nation is a newly formed group consisting of Probation Officer Specialists from the Drug and Alcohol Unit and juveniles who are under Court Supervision. This group was born out of necessity for our youth who are working a 12-step program of recovery from highly addictive drugs. Providing sober fun group activities is the main thrust of the new club. Probation Officers Kelly Tuma and Lloyd Woodward started this program. The two probation officers have applied for funding for the group but activities are already underway and the group is looking for more members now.
Four members of the new club attended the recent Town Hall meeting at South Fayette High School. One of the four sat on the panel of guests. At 17 years old, with two years of clean time, full-time in college and working part-time, Nick M. was a perfect answer to one of the questions from the audience, "will these kids ever really fit into society?" As most of us know, recovering people are often the most creative, intelligent, hard working members of our society. Even though it just started, the Coffeehouse Nation is stacked with inspirational stories...
This new program offers our recovering clients an opportunity to be involved in something more than just 12-step meetings and staying at home. Most of these youth go to school, 12-step meetings, and drug and alcohol outpatient therapy with little to no other interactions. These activities are very helpful but the relapse rate for our clients recovering from highly addictive drugs is still high. While we are not proposing that this group will prevent relapse, we hope to fill a void often left in the lives of recovering youth.
Our initial goal when starting the group was to get these youth together to provide additional support for each other. We have learned that youth can have a hard time in finding a “good”12-step meeting supported by other young people. Often, the result is that either our clients do not attend the meetings regularly or even when they do attend they fail to develop meaningful relationships with others in recovery. In other words, our youth can have a hard times assimilating with other recovering addicts who are not already in their peer group.
Our first meeting consisted of a brainstorming session with a few select youth who currently have a strong foundation in 12-step recovery. We quickly realized that we were on the right track with our initial goals, but with the help of these youth, we identified another goal: helping our youth to re-learn how to have sober fun. Along with building a strong support system and creating networking possibilities, it is now a major aspect of our vision to help these youth learn to have sober fun.
Our next step involves securing funding for activities. This funding will allow us to provide new experiences such as museums, bowling, eating at restaurants, and attending plays. In addition to learning sober fun, these sorts of activities will broaden our juvenile’s worldview and enrich their lives.
Of course, this is something that Probation Officers rarely get the chance to do, considering we spend most of our time trying to get a youth to recognize their problematic behaviors. However, in keeping with the principals established by the Balanced and Restorative Justice approach of which Allegheny County is a pioneer, it is within the mission of the Juvenile Probation Department to do much more than just help a youth to learn to obey the laws. The Competency goals addressed in BARJ clearly address the importance of helping our clients in Juvenile Court with the “development of competencies to enable children to become responsible and productive members of the community.” (Act 33 of Special Session No. 1 was passed by the Pennsylvania General Assembly in November 1995 to amend Pennsylvania's Juvenile Act.)
Our goal in Coffee House Nation is to help our special clients increase their competency. No- we are not teaching a trade or providing work experience. What we are doing, however, is providing a badly needed extra component of competency for our clients who are in recovery from highly addictive drugs. Therefore, our Coffeehouse Nation embraces the following goals for our clients in recovery from highly addictive drugs:
1. Helping them re-learn how to have sober fun.
2. Providing a network of recovery geared to help each client get the most out of the 12-step program by knowing where and when to go to meetings and other functions.
Click to email contacts Probation Officers Kelly Tuma or Lloyd Woodward
A mother's letter to The Disease
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Saturday, February 10, 2007
Mary Challburg writes a powerful letter to addiction. This letter can help us all feel what it is like to struggle with this life-threatening disease. Mary Challburg is the chairperson of the The Helping Hands Parents, a volunteer effort sponsored by The Alliance. This group of volunteers assists the Alliance in meeting the needs of member schools, distribute materials throughout the medical and business communities, and assist with programs and presentations. She can be contacted at mchallburg@hotmail.com
Dear Addiction:
You have been around for centuries. Way before I was born. You can appear in many shapes & forms. You can be a cigarette, a joint, chocolate cake, a bottle of beer, French fries, pills, sex or white powder. You ruined many holidays for me. You made me feel different from all the other kids at school. You made me feel ashamed of my family. You caused me to do poorly in school. You made me keep so many things inside-fear, shame, anger, worthlessness. You made my mother distant & cold. You made my father negative & unlikable. You made my childhood miserable. You made me act & think like an adult when I should have been playing kick ball outside with my friends. You made me who I am today. Because of you, I am strong & confident. I can handle any crisis that comes my way. You forced me as an adult to tackle many difficult emotions. I am still standing. I am who I am because of you… But, that’s me….
You stole my son’s youth. You robbed him of his innocence. You made him feel like he wasn’t normal. You made him steal, lie, & cheat. You always were, and always will be a part of his life. Even when he was in my belly, you were there. As much as he doesn’t want you-you will always be there. You’re that annoying person riding his tail on the highway. He looks in the rear view mirror & there you are. He can speed up or slam on his brakes but that won’t get rid of you. You are that ex girlfriend he can’t shake, the annoying, possessive, controlling, all too consuming person. He can break up with a girl friend; he can’t break up with you. You will always come back to haunt him. You’re that first pimple, on his perfectly, clear complexion-that never goes away. He doesn’t want to go to school because kids will stare at his pimple, everyone notices it but no one says anything. He looks in the mirror & there you are. You are always lurking. You’re that big Biology test we all had to take. We studied for hours on end, sleepless nights lying in bed worried, stressed out about how I will do? Will I pass? Will I have to re-take it? What if I fail? What if I let myself down? But you’re not a Biology test that goes away at the end of the semester or school year. You are so different. You cause my son stress & anxiety every day. You never go away, not even for a minute. You are air, water, a constant nagging reminder. He looks in the mirror, opens the frig, puts gas in the car, goes to work, watches the Super bowl, goes to the mall, church, sees a pretty girl & there you are. He can’t even get away from you when he’s sleeping, he dreams about you. You are his skin, his soul, his heart, worst of all, you are his mind. Everyone deserves a break, but you, you don’t give up.
You are cruel & evil. You don’t care whose lives you ruin. Doctor’s, lawyers, plumbers, pregnant mothers, there is no discrimination or age barriers with you. You invade 13 year olds & continue haunting them well into their 90’s, if they live that long. You confuse many people. You make others think that my son is weak. If they only knew how strong he must be to keep you away. It takes stamina to keep you out of his life. More people would feel comfortable asking me how he is, if he had cancer. How’s he doing? Is the chemo working? What do the doctor’s say? would be questions I would hear. Few people understand you or believe you are a disease. You’re not concrete, not everyone can grasp you. But me, I have lived with you in one way or another, my whole life. If you weren’t my grandfather, you were my father or my brother, now you are my son. Since we have lived with each other for so long, we should be friends by now. You used to be my enemy. Now, I accept you. You won’t ruin my life any longer. I am a fighter, remember?-you made me that way? You made me a survivor. You have made me be able to cope through the most difficult times. I have watched my mother & my 39 year old brother take their last breath. Because of you, I am still standing. You made me drop my 18 year old son off @ rehab on that cold February morning. The Steelers had just won the super bowl 12 hours before. My son should be at college celebrating with friends. But no, you made him go to rehab for heroin……..
When my son was in high school, I was suspicious of you. I agonized about your control over him. I had him evaluated on different occasions, I had caught him drinking, found weed. You are very sly. He was able to keep you from me & the therapist. You had become his secret now. You made me feel crazy at times. I worried on a daily basis that you had control over my son. Worrying is worse than knowing the truth. The “what if’s in life can destroy you. Once you know something, you are able to face it head on, deal with it. It is what it is…. The worrying & crazy thinking made me search my son’s room, desk drawers, or back pack, turning his room upside down every time he left the house. Sometimes my search came up clean. This is when I tried to convince myself you were not present in his life. Other times, I found Visine or a lighter. Funny thing about you, is even when you are right in front of me, I was able to tell myself it was normal teenage use. I chalked it up to normal experimentation. He lied about his “new friends”, always told me he was going out with the kids I liked. Sometimes I am madder at denial than I am at you. You both seem so powerful at the time. I grew up with you, how could I not see you? Funny thing about being the mother now, not the daughter or the sister of you, was deep down I knew you were lurking. I had an uneasy feeling, gut feeling, mother’s premonition I guess. Then one day, I realized HE was one of the “potheads” at school. The kid that everyone dismisses, looked at in disgust, as a no good loser. My son was not a loser, he was MY son. The same little boy I brought home from the hospital as a newborn, my first born. I rushed him to the pediatrician when it was just a stuffy nose. I stayed up with him when he had the flu, I was there when he hit his first homerun, threw his first touchdown pass. I talked to him about girls, making good grades, he cared about life, and he wanted to succeed. He was not & never will be a loser in my eyes. You are the reason ignorant people judged my son. I had a feeling you were there. Yet, to some degree, I was wearing blinders. Now, looking back you were as clear as day. The red eyes, the lies, the late nights, sneaking out of the house, the smell of marijuana, but still, I believed the lies that came out of my son’s mouth. I grounded him when he broke the rules.
The day I was unable to continue burying my head in the sand or continue pretending life was normal was when my husband called & told me I had to go to the school, there was disciplinary action taken against my son. Many reasons for the call would normally run through a frantic mother’s mind. Not mine; my first thought was my son was caught smoking weed at school. It was more, it was much worse than that. There was a police officer, the principal; my son was in a separate room. I was told he had stolen property from the school & if he had been 18 at the time he would have been handcuffed & taken to jail. The thought of my son in jail made me cry, call my husband trying to speak between sobs so he knew what was going on, but what was really going on? That was the beginning of my new life. This was his senior year; he should be excited as this is his last year in high school, playing baseball, going off to college soon, lasting memories forever. There would be no baseball; he was not permitted to play. New words filled my son’s vocabulary, clean & serene, sobriety.
Life is about choices & with every choice comes a consequence. Today, my son is choosing life over you. There are really only three choices when it comes to you, jail, death or recovery. I prided myself that I was different from my mother, I am open & honest with my kids about you, I don’t sweep you under the carpet like she did. We actually talked about you at the dinner table, in the car driving to baseball games. The fact that you ruined my childhood was known in my family. My kids were aware of you-almost to the point they may have tuned me out. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t a martyr, I was just very open & honest with your affects on my father & brother. You were a part of our gene pool; I felt I had to talk about you to my children.
He is not the only young person whose life you have contaminated. No one is exempt from you. You affect nearly every human beings life in some way or another, a loved one, a friend or a neighbor knows you too well. I’m not angry at you. The best revenge against someone or something is simple- LIVING WELL…… I live with you, I learn from you. You have become my driving force, my passion, my purpose. I won’t run from you or keep you a secret as I did when I was a kid. I will embrace you, I will scream from the rooftops about you. I am only as sick as my secrets. You have been exposed. You are out there for everyone to see. My son won’t hide either. He did for a few years but he’s on to you now. He is so bright, so intuitive. You made him become a man. He is a man at 19 years old, wiser than most adult men I know. I am seeing the good side of you. I always try to see the bright side of what initially appears to be a dim situation. Again, that is because of you, when I was young you forced me to look at a bad situation and say, “Hey, it could always be worse.” That’s how I have survived many hardships in my life. I realized other people had it worse than I did, so who was I to complain?
I know that’s how I was able to handle myself when my son told me he needed help. As I watch my son cry and tell me he wished he was normal. He said he needed help. “It’s worse Mom, its heroin….” There YOU were when the worst moment of my 18 years as a mother had just smacked me in the face. I said to my son, “Eric, it’s not cancer, WE will get through this”. I hugged him & we both cried. As I held him, I wondered how I was able to utter any words; I didn’t think I had air in my lungs. Finally, you were out in the open!!!! The other shoe had fallen, the “what ifs” was now reality & it was time to confront YOU…… I called one of my sisters, the nurse, the strong one, and the one that holds her emotions in. I told her I needed to get my son, her nephew, her godson into rehab ASAP. As I heard the gasp & the whimpers she tried to hide from me, I thought, “Wow, if this rocks her, this is really, really bad. I am a “fixer”, a results oriented person, I believe I focused on what to do next, who to call and where will he rehabilitate. I was in overdrive. Because of you being a family member of mine, I also knew I could support my son, but this was his battle. There was no simple fix, no band aid to place over the wound. No antibiotic would cure this in 10-14 days. Hearing these words come from my son’s mouth, not the district attorney’s office or the coroner, was extremely encouraging to me. I knew that night, at that exact moment; I would stand by my son forever and ever as he worked on his life without you. I later, had received a note from a dear friend that said, “Parenting can be easy when things are going smoothly, as they should be, it is when we are faced with difficult situations that we put our skills to work.” You taught me these skills as a child. I never doubted my ability to cope with this situation.
Even as confident as I was, my heart was shattered. You must love tearing people’s hearts open & stomping on them. You create havoc with all family members. I have 1 brother, 4 sisters, & 21 nieces & nephews. Each and every one of them was affected by you & your control over my son. Dealing with you is very personal. My daughters were angry at their brother. He always got more attention. You caused him to. They are great young girls, extremely bright & responsible. They didn’t understand why their brother, who caused so many sleepless nights & fights continued getting more of their parents attention. They did everything they were supposed to do & it seemed no one noticed. I noticed their valiant effort but I didn’t always commend them for it. You sucked the energy out of me at times. I dealt with you differently than my husband did. You almost caused a divorce but I came to my senses. Believe it or not, realizing I was powerless over you is when I was able to move ahead. I can’t fight you anymore. I won’t fight you anymore.
My son found NA and it saved his life. He now feels normal. He has learned how you can be replaced. The 12 Step program is bigger & stronger than you. I often wonder why the whole world doesn’t follow these simple steps. My son goes to daily meetings & meets with his therapist weekly. You are still present, always will be, but KNOWLEDGE = POWER. He talks about you & reads books about you, works his 12 Steps. The power of addiction is mighty, but the power of recovery is mightier…..
He realizes even though he is not using drugs, many of the same behaviors still exist. Rather than being critical of others, he is taking his own moral inventory. He focuses on his character defects and will make amends to those he harmed when he is ready. He knows a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. That first step is the hardest. Realizing your life is unmanageable is the start, a powerful start. Whose life isn’t unmanageable at some point? Each step that is taken away from you gets a little easier. If he could just run as fast as possible from you, it would be easier. This isn’t a sprint, it’s a lifelong marathon. This is a process, a very long & difficult process. Life is progression not perfection. He is well aware you can cause a relapse while he is recovering from you. This happened once. It can happen again & again if he gets over confident & thinks he has you “licked”. That’s why he goes to meetings daily, he needs to be reminded of the pain you caused him that made him get to the rooms of NA. He can’t resent you either, that won’t work. He has to accept you as part of his daily life, part of his every breath. He knows all too well that should he choose a life with you, he will be living on the streets. I won’t stand for you being in my house. Tough love isn’t that tough for me. I made my son leave once; it lasted for 14 days. I love him and will not stand by and watch him die a slow death because of you. I pray you will stay away. Because of you, I take one day at a time. When I have to, I take one minute at a time.
Anyone who has known you and who has survived you is brave. My son is my hero. His strength amazes me. His ability at such a young age, to see you were ruining his life and ask for help takes courage. You may have taken his youth but you haven’t taken his life. He can live a perfectly healthy life. He will be happier without you. He will find a wife & have children. You may or may not be a part of my grandchildren’s lives. If you are, my son will handle it. He, just like me, is a survivor because of you. You have caused us pain but at the same time, you have given us the ability for pure pleasure. Without pain, we would never fully appreciate the joy. I have met some remarkable people because of you. People, whose lives you have touched, are the salt of the earth. There is no phoniness, they are not trying to “keep up with the Joneses”, and they are real people with real stories & experiences to share. They care about living for today & being the best person they can be. You have humbled them. Looking back on my life, you may have caused me great pain, but I am not bitter. I am able to see situations more clearly and focus on the positives life has to offer.
I pray that you will keep your distance. Let’s face it, that’s all I can do. I am powerless. I pray every day; I thank God for everything I have. I have so much more than you in my life now.
I’m sure I will be seeing you around.
Mary
PS Please don’t take my son from me. He has so much to offer to others. Don’t make me bury him…………
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