The PSST 13th Anniversary / Holiday Celebration will be held on Saturday, Dec 17, 2016 at our Greentree meeting. Invitees include all PSST parents (both current attendees and alumni), in addition to all Wesley Spectrum therapists and Juvenile Probation staff who have been part of the PSST family.
Quote of the Week
"If I cannot do great things, I can do small things in a great way" ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.
PSST Holiday Celebration
Posted by:Jenn--Monday, December 05, 2016
The PSST 13th Anniversary / Holiday Celebration will be held on Saturday, Dec 17, 2016 at our Greentree meeting. Invitees include all PSST parents (both current attendees and alumni), in addition to all Wesley Spectrum therapists and Juvenile Probation staff who have been part of the PSST family.
Posted by:Jenn -- Monday, December 05, 2016 0 comments-click to comment
US Surgeon General's 2016 Report on Addiction
Posted by:Jenn--Sunday, November 27, 2016
Posted by:Jenn -- Sunday, November 27, 2016 0 comments-click to comment
2016 Parent of the Year Speech
Posted by:Jenn--Friday, October 14, 2016
Posted by:Jenn -- Friday, October 14, 2016 0 comments-click to comment
When a parent gives the teenager the Silent Treatment.
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Saturday, October 08, 2016
[This is a reprint of a 2009 post. One of our readers recently asked a question about this topic, and the response is included in the comments at the end of the post.]
When you ask parents why they give the silent treatment they usually do not admit that they want to cause pain in order to control the teenager's behavior. Instead, they report things like:
"I just needed some time alone to think."
"I thought we both needed a cooling off period."
"I felt hurt by what you did and I just needed to stop communicating."
"I thought you needed some space."
"I didn't want to fight."
"I didn't want to say things that I might regret."
OK, some of these sound good but when you realize that the parent went three days without talking or even acknowledging the teenager's presence, then you can see that this goes way past a cooling off period. A cooling off period is often a good idea but it's going to last an hour not a day. Or at the worst it's going to last the night but not the week.
The bottom line is that the silent treatment is very painful and anytime we heap pain on our loved ones that is disproportionate to the behavior that we are trying to address it causes extreme resentment. Actually, to a parent using this technique it may appear as though it works because the child or teenager may try to do something, anything to try to reopen channels of communication; however, sooner or later this is going to backfire.
In fact, some teens report that they eventually come to like the silent treatment because they become so used to the pain that they just don't care anymore. Once your teenager doesn't care anymore you are in for a whole lot of trouble.
Also, it may be that teenagers who become verbally and physically abusive to their parents are reacting to years of getting the silent treatment. Anecdotal evidence seems to point to the fact that many teens with substance abuse issues have been on the receiving end of the silent treatment. The natural thing that can happen to parents who have regularly treated their children to the silent treatment is that the teenager can start dishing the silent treatment back at the parents. Now we've got a sticky wicket. You could call that bad karma. It is said that children will often fail to do what parents tell them to do, but they will never fail to imitate them. (I don't know who first said that or else I would credit them.)
The silent treatment is a power move. It can work on spouses as well as children but it will backfire on both eventually. Imagine the parent who uses the silent treament regularly and who precieves that it is a ligitimate way to control children. Then, it seems like overnight the parent has a teenager with issues. At that point a frustrated parent may state, "I just wish my teen had more self-confidence." Hello! Everytime this same parent gave the silent treatment the teenager went through feelings of extreme worthlessness. The child or teenager is racked by self doubt. What was it that they did that caused their parent to treat them as though they were dead? In fact, the silent treatment is sort of like a psychological death. The parent might as well have said, "You are dead to me!"
At Parent Survival Skills meetings we are all about parents asserting power; however, we only recomend that the parent use the amount of power necessary to get the behavior of the child back on track and we never approve of phyiscal or psychological abuse. It is never appropriate and it causes extreme resentment that will always cause the resentful chickens to come home to roost. Like yelling, it is counterproductive and seems to produce some of the same problems, e.g. it helps the child or teen to become an angry person who has low self esteem. An angry person with low self esteem is going to be much harder to deal with than someone who is not angry all the time and who feels good about themselves.
Most parents who use this technique learned it from their parents. They also use it on their spouses. Read what some others have said about the silent treatment:
The Silent Treatment - What You Are Saying By Not Saying Anything At All
Parents Are Using the Silent Treatment to Discipline Their Children
The Silent Treatment - A Form of Abuse
- Patricia Jones, M.A.
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward -- Saturday, October 08, 2016 3 comments-click to comment
Congratulations to Brad and Jenn the Allegheny County Parents of the Year 2016!
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Wednesday, October 05, 2016
Due to their hard work and commitment to helping their son Brad and Jenn have been named 2016 Parent's of the Year! Both parents have demonstrated a strong commitment to PSST and have volunteered for many PSST speaking engagements. They have both studied and demonstrated mastery of the PSST parenting skills and have also helped share that knowledge with other parents. Also, Jenn has tirelessly worked as editor of this blog.
Please join us as Brad and Jenn are recognized at Awards Night at Juvenile Court on Thursday, October 6th at 6:00 PM!!!
Valerie Ketter, Supervisor Drug and Alcohol Unit Juvenile Court. Type rest of the post here
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward -- Wednesday, October 05, 2016 5 comments-click to comment
Go For the Gold!
Posted by:Jenn--Wednesday, September 28, 2016
Read More......
Posted by:Jenn -- Wednesday, September 28, 2016 0 comments-click to comment
No Meeting Sept 3, 2016
Posted by:Jenn--Wednesday, August 31, 2016
Posted by:Jenn -- Wednesday, August 31, 2016 0 comments-click to comment
International Overdose Awareness Day
Posted by:Jenn--Wednesday, August 31, 2016
- raise awareness of overdose and reduce the stigma of a drug-related death.
- acknowledge the grief felt by families and friends remembering those who have met with death or permanent injury as a result of drug overdose.
- spread the message that the tragedy of overdose death is preventable.
Dr. William R. Morrone, a board certified pain physician, tells us that “Nearly 80 people will die today from a preventable, opioid-related overdose. That’s more than 28,000 Americans who die annually from our opioid abuse epidemic.” In his article titled Overcoming Overdose: Raising Awareness through Action, Dr. Morrone shares his goals of slowing the prescribing and proliferation of non-medical opioid drugs, as well as spreading awareness and access to naloxone, the medication that can save the life of someone overdosing on opioids.
Posted by:Jenn -- Wednesday, August 31, 2016 0 comments-click to comment
Who is the Big Dog in your car? Featured Technique: use the brake pedal. Big Dog Part II
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Saturday, August 20, 2016
I don't know why what happens inside cars are so important. I just know that what happens inside PSST cars is very important.
The car is an intimate place. We are all crowded together. And we don't usually just get mad and walk away, although that can happen. Usually we are committed to remain together until we reach our destination.
Unless we own guns, the car is the most powerful thing we own or operate. It is a deadly piece of equipment. The car is the most dangerous place to which any of us go. Therefore, the dog who takes control of the car-situation is, in fact, the dog that is in control.
It doesn't just mean the dog who is driving, but it does mean the dog who is "driving things." That dog is in control of not only the car but also he is the leader of the pack. Otherwise, why would he be the one in control when we are at our most dangerous and in someways intimate place? Instinctively, teenagers know this.
Think of a pack of dogs. Suddenly they are in danger. They are attacked by enemies. Who takes charge of things when the pack is in danger? Exactly.
Now think of your family. Who gets mad and starts arguments in the car? Who controls the car radio? Who controls where he sits or where other people sit? Be honest. Far too many times we adults abrogate that "dog-in-charge" role to our teenagers. They call "shotgun." They choose that to which everyone will listen. They choose the car-time to pick arguments, almost as if they know how vulnerable the adults are since they will sometimes do anything to NOT argue in the car.
For example, how dare you try to control your own radio? Who do you think you are? Don't you know that music is important to your teenager? Don't you know that only he, not any other other family members, understand music? Don't you know that your teen just HAS to hear that song again. I mean they really care about it don't they? You on the other hand can hear your NPR or old-people music anytime you are in your car! You don't have to listen to it now, not when they need to hear that one song!
Part of what is going on is that we are all crowded into a small place. If you crowd dogs into a small place there is a good chance that the pack hierarchy will be evident real fast.
Here's the thing to consider. Whoever is the Top Dog when they get out of that car - that dog is going to act like they are the Top Dog everywhere else too. This is a good and a bad thing. It is a bad thing because our teenagers are more aggressive when it comes to calling Shot Gun, controlling the radio, and starting arguments.
However, it is a good thing because once we understand how important it is, we can control our own car! Especially, we can control our own car if we are driving. How? Easy! We have a secret weapon in the car, one that we probably very rarely use. It's call the Brake Pedal and it's on the floor right next to the accelerator!
We can use our secret weapon anytime to demonstrate that we are indeed in charge of our own car. We can stop arguments just by stopping the car (pull over first of course) and calmly stating that "we won't be going anywhere until things are quiet in here." Just let them know that it needs to be quieter in order for you to operate the car safely.
By the way, it really is not safe to argue in the car anyway.
Mom: No, not right now. [Turning off the radio.]
TRANSLATED: "I am in charge here, not you!"
Mom: No, not right now. [Turning off the radio.]
TRANSLATED: "You just think you are in charge- but you are mistaken- I am in charge."
Once you start this battle you must win. You must win it everytime. Otherwise don't even start the argument because if you start to do battle and then you give in- you have just agreed that they are the Top Dog. Better to act like you don't care about it if you are not prepared to win.
If necessary, and usually for the radio it will not be necessary, you have your secret weapon that we already discussed. Just pull over and state that the car won't go until the radio is off and it better stay off!
Be the Top Dog in your car and you will find that your pack still thinks of you as the Top Dog when you are not in your car. Afterall, if you can control the MOST DANGEROUS situation, you can control the other situations. If you can't then you'll be treated as though you are not the Top Dog. You might even be seen as the puppy-dog driver.
Continuing: Next Part III on how to be the Top Dog.
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward -- Saturday, August 20, 2016 3 comments-click to comment