Recently, I had the opportunity to have 15 teens from a Drug and Alcohol outpatient program tell me what were the most effective ways to get their way with their parents. Their answers might surprise you. This article is presented in five parts:
Part 1 – How Teens Manipulate
Part 2 – Approaches to dealing with Lying
Part 3 – The Guilting of the parent
Part 4 – An approach to the teen that does good things temporarily.
Part 5 - The Top Three Ways Teens Manipulate Parents: Conclusion-Part V
Part 1 – How Teens Manipulate
First of all we divided the teens up into three separate groups. Also, one parent sat in each group. We did not allow a parent to sit in a group in which their son or daughter was already sitting. Each group chose a group leader. Next, each group was given the task of deciding the top three manipulative techniques that help them get their own way with their parents. They were asked to form a group consensus, and we explained that a consensus is not taking a vote. It is debating and convincing each other so that the entire group agrees. The parents were not in the group to supervise, but to give their two cents and to function as a group participant.
After about 15 minutes each group had finished. After each small group gave it's report, the entire group engaged in group discussion to sort out the differences in the results. Funny thing is that there were not much differences. Each group more or less came up with the same three. Two groups came up with exactly the same list and one group had an almost identical list but in a different order. The following is the summary of our results.
3. Acting Really Good: The Third most effective technique is to begin to act responsibly. Convince your parent that you have really changed. After a while you will get what you want from them and you can go back to being irresponsible. One group added that while you are acting really good you can continue to sneakily be involved in the same unapproved activities.
2. Making a parent feel guilty: The Second most effective technique is to guilt your parent. Make them feel like it's really their fault or in some way make them feel that the reason that you have problems is because of them. We got examples of this from the teens who seemed to take pride in being able to push the right buttons so that their parents felt so bad that they just gave in. For example, tell your parent that they have lied to you in some way. You might have to stretch the truth a bit as to exactly what they said. If they think they lied they will try to make it up to you. Another way to make your parent feel guilty is to give them the silent treatment. They don't even have to know what they did at first but they will keep trying to find out and they will keep trying to make you feel better in any way that they can.
1. Lying: All the teens agreed that lying is the best way. One teen even offered some tips on how to be convincing when you lie. Stay calm he said. Look them in the eye. Just keep repeating the same story. Lots of discussion followed this as the teens talked about how quickly they could get their parents to believe them even if they had just gotten busted for lying. One of the bad things that can happen is that if you do this to much your parents might not believe you any more, even when you are telling the truth. Most of the teens in group agreed that lying is essential and that you have to be good at it.
(This is the conclusion of the first of a four-part series on Parent Manipulation. You can find the complete series and more information at http://gopsst.org/ in the next part we discuss How Can We Deal with Lying as Parents)
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Top Three Ways Teens Manipulate Parents: Part I
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Friday, January 09, 2009
Finding Hope in Recovery: Families Living with Addiction
Posted by:Ken Sutton--Thursday, January 08, 2009
This documentary will be aired on WTAE TV 04 ABC on January 18th 2009 at 1:00pm. I have not seen this documentary and I am not necessarily endorsing it. I think it helps us as parents to be as informed as we can be about this disease so I am sharing this information sight unseen with the risk that it is going be bad but the hope that it will be of some benefit.
No Meetings Until 2009
Posted by:Ken Sutton--Tuesday, December 23, 2008
The meeting between Christmas and New Years is cancelled. The next meeting is Jan 3, 2009.
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Is every moment a teachable moment? - The Mom Song
Posted by:Ken Sutton--Tuesday, December 16, 2008
One of the topics we talked about in group on Saturday was reminding our kids. How it drives them crazy and how it makes us insane. Take three minutes to check out this little video. I think it shows the good, the bad and the reality of what we do in a very funny way. Do you see yourself in here? Do you think our kids really see us this way?
Lloyd demonstrated the once-a-day planning technique to help planning that moves the focus of the planning to the child.
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Holiday Party Alert: December 20th 9:00 AM Eastern Dist Office
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Thursday, December 11, 2008
Please help us celebrate the Holidays at the Eastern District Office on December 20th at 8:30 AM. Bring food if you like but if not that's OK. We are opening the doors a little early but probably won't start the meeting part till 9:00 or a few minutes after.
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Worry
Posted by:Ken Sutton--Friday, December 05, 2008
Is there a magic cutoff period when Offspring become accountable for their own Actions? Is there a wonderful moment when Parents can become detached spectators in The lives of their children and shrug, 'It's Their life,' and feel nothing?
Click the READ MORE link for the wisdom of this unknown writer
Is there a magic cutoff period when Offspring become accountable for their own Actions? Is there a wonderful moment when Parents can become detached spectators in The lives of their children and shrug, 'It's Their life,' and feel nothing? When I was in my twenties, I stood in a hospital Corridor waiting for doctors to put a few Stitches in my daughter's head. I asked, 'When do You stop worrying?' The nurse said, 'When they get out of the accident stage.' My Mom just smiled faintly and said nothing. When I was in my thirties, I sat on a little Chair in a classroom and heard how one of my Children talked incessantly, disrupted the class, And was headed for a career making License plates. As if to read my mind, a teacher Said, 'Don't worry, they all go through This stage and then you can sit back, relax and Enjoy them.' My Mom just smiled Faintly and said nothing. When I was in my forties, I spent a lifetime Waiting for the phone to ring, the cars to come Home, the front door to open. A friend said, 'They're trying to find themselves. Don't worry, In a few years, you can stop worrying. They'll be Adults.' My Mom just smiled faintly And said nothing. By the time I was 50, I was sick & tired of being Vulnerable. I was still worrying over my Children, but there was a new wrinkle. There Was nothing I could do about it. My Mom just smiled faintly and said nothing. I Continued to anguish over their failures, be Tormented by their frustrations and absorbed in Their disappointments. My friends said that when my kids got married I Could stop worrying and lead my own Life. I wanted to believe that, but I was Haunted by my Mom's warm smile and her Occasional, 'You look pale. Are you all right? Call me the minute you get home. Are You depressed about something?' Can it be that parents are sentenced to a Lifetime of worry? Is concern for one another Handed down like a torch to blaze the trail of Human frailties and the fears of the Unknown? Is concern a curse or is it a virtue That elevates us to the highest form of life? One of my children became quite irritable Recently, saying to me, 'Where were you? I've beenCalling for 3 days, and no one answered I was worried.' I smiled a warm smile. The torch has been passed. PASS IT ON TO OTHER WONDERFUL PARENTS
LISTENING
Posted by:Ken Sutton--Sunday, November 30, 2008
"...I have a tendency to talk too much; which turns my daughter off.
But that night, I vowed I would keep my mouth shut, not judge her, criticize her, or inject my comments. Only when she asked for my opinion did I give it to her. I just listened."
click the READ MORE link to read the rest of this mother's story.
LISTENING
My daughter has been an addict since she was 13. She’s been in recovery now for 9 months, living away from home and doing very well.
One evening after not hearing from her for a while, she phoned me. She had been going through some tough times and wanted to come home and stay overnight. She wanted me to hold her and watch a move like the old times. So I picked her up and brought her home.
That night she talked, we cried, we laughed, and I held her. It was like giving birth to her all over again. I hadn’t felt so much pleasure with her in a long, long time.
I have a tendency to talk too much; which turns my daughter off. But that night, I vowed I would keep my mouth shut, not judge her, criticize her, or inject my comments. Only when she asked for my opinion did I give it to her. I just listened.
Sometimes listening can be more powerful than anything. It’s surprising how much better I got to know and understand my daughter. The gap that was beginning to form between us had gone away. BECAUSE I LISTENED.
It was a learning experience for me. There are times when it’s necessary to listen. That night was one of those times. Listening was the best help I could have given her.
Sayings that Help
Posted by:Ken Sutton--Sunday, November 30, 2008
We learn a lot in the PSST meetings. Often, some of the key ideas get distilled into a sentence that makes complete sense in its conciseness and clarity. For example:
“Holding resentment is like taking poison and hoping the other person dies.”
Sometimes, outside of the PSST meetings, you may come upon a grain of wisdom that you are sure was about dealing with addiction, but in fact it is just a universal truth that applies. Some of my favorites:
“Actions don't spring from thoughts but from readiness for responsibility.”
-Deitrich Bonhoffer
“Appeasers believe that if you keep on throwing steaks to a tiger, the tiger will become a vegetarian.”
-Heywood Broun
OK. Time for you to get involved. Share the sayings that mean the most to you, that have been helpful, that turned on the light, that helped you “get it”. Share the one you cling to, the one that shows you due North in this struggle. Share it if someone else wrote or said it or if you thought it up. It doesn’t matter. It may help a parent in the group now or someone who reads this blog 10 years from now. Leave a comment or send an email and I will post it.
Ken wins Meritorious Service Award for Whole State of Pennsylvania!
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Friday, November 21, 2008
Ken was honored on November 6,2008 at the Juvenile Court Jdges' Commission and PA. Council of Chief Juvenile Probation Officers Annual Awards Program with the Meritorious Service Award.
Both Ken and his wife Debbie have been tirelessly involved in efforts to help their teenager with drug addiction. This nomination focuses on Ken because of his volunteer efforts to help other parents, such as:
(1) Become a leader in Parent Survival Skills Training, attending Saturday morning meetings weekly for several years.
(2) Started and continues to edit the PSST blog, which carries helpful information from diverse sources. (www.gopsst.org.)
(3) Almost single-handedly started the North Hills chapter of PSST.
Ken also gives out his personal phone number to parents and makes himself available for phone calls and even home visits to distraught parents. When Ken gives advice it comes from the heart, because he knows the pain of having a loved one continually struggle with this life threatening disease of addiction.
Ken deserves recognition because of his work with his daughter but also because of his selfless volunteer work to help other parents in their struggles.
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Parent of the Year Award 2008
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Thursday, October 23, 2008
Contratulations to Beth and Erv who were chosen Allegheny Parents of the Year!
First, they had a big challenge with their son. They endured lots of difficulties as they struggle to help their son turn the corner from his poor choices that led him down a path of trouble. Secondly, they changed a lot of what they did and worked with PSST and treatment therapists to make those changes. Third, through it all they supported each other and presented a unified front to their son. And last but not least both of these parents reached out to help others. We saw it over and over again as they attended PSST, performed role-plays, led by example, and even participated in Coffee House Nation events (our positive peer group for youth sponsored by Juvenile Court) by not only being there for the teens but also by bringing hot dogs beverages and such for our Steeler Game event. Congratulations to Beth and Erv and thanks from all of us at Juvenile Court for your contribution.
Picture from left to right in the back row: James Rieland, Director of Allegheny County Probation; Judge Flaherty; Judge Woodruff; Anthony Madison #37 Pittsburgh Steelers; Judge Clark; Judge McVay; Judge Mulligan.
Good article on relapse issues
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Sunday, October 12, 2008
Val found this article. It is well written and full of wisdom. Click here to read be sent to the article.
The problem for us in PSST is not always that we don't see the signs- it's what do we do about them?
This Saturday, Oct 4th is a very special meeting!
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Wednesday, October 01, 2008
First, it's the second try at "bring your teen with you to PSST." Second, we are trying to help Laura Condos with her evalution of PSST and we are inviting parents that we have not seen for a while to come back and let us know if they feel that the whole PSST experience was worthwhile.
There will be a chance for everyone to meet with Laura, fill out the evaluation form (also available on this website- see post below) and also briefly interview with Laura. Any help either by coming in to see us or filling out the survey online is appreciated.
Please help us to evaluate PSST!
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Sunday, September 28, 2008
Our Masters Level Student Intern, Laura Condos, is working on an evaluative instrument. You can either fill this out on paper or you can follow the link below to fill it out. Also, Laura will be at the next meeting on October 4th at the Eastern District Probation Office to help distribute evaluations and to interview parents. Thanks for your support.
Please read:
The link below will take you to a survey that is intended to gather
information about your experiences at the PSST group. Your answers to all of
these questions will remain confidential.
I, Laura Condos, am currently conducting an evaluative research project
concerning the implementation of the PSST group. My intent is to examine
your overall satisfaction with the group as well as elicit some suggestions
that you may have for group improvement or recruitment of additional group
participants.
The survey should take approximately 10 to 15 minutes to complete. Please
answer the questions to the best of your ability and completely as possible.
Your participation is very much appreciated.
Thanks so much,
Laura
http://www.surveymonkey.com/s.
<http://www.surveymonkey.com/
take survey
Update on all the happenings at PSST.
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Monday, September 08, 2008
We had five teens and eight parents attend the experimental Teens and Parents meeting at Eastern District Probation on 9-6-08. It was the first time that people could put a face on some of the stories that we have been hearing about these fantastic teens.
All we did for the first half hour was ask teens how they managed to get thier clean time. Three of the five Teens had a year clean, one had ten months, and one is struggling to put some clean time together but even he had a great attitude as he was waiting for a bed to open at the Tom Rudder House. As for the parents they gave abbreviated updates. At about 9:30 AM the teens left with Kathy Tagmyer from Westley Spectrum to participate in a Teen Forum, and then we manged to get the real updates from the parents after they left.
We also had Laura, our Juvenile Probation Intern in attendance. She is working on a Master Degree in Social Work. As part of her internship with us, which is through December, she will be creating an evaluative component to PSST. As to that she requests that as many parents as possible attend the meeting on October 4th so that she can pass out questioniares and perhaps have mini meetings with parents. So please pass the word around that we need parents including veteran parents to attend on Oct 4th or at least to call in and tell how best that Laura can reach them.
However, one small problem at this point is that neither Val nor I can attend the 9-20-08 meeting at Eastern. Laura can not attend either. So, we are looking for another Probation Officer or somebody to lead our meeting that day. Please let us know if you have any ideas. Kathy Tagmyer has said that she is available, but she would be working with the teens on the first and third Saturday mornings. Therfore, we still need someone to open and run our parent meeting. Or we could cancel. Or we could ask Kathy to work with the parents on 9-20-08 and just not bring the teens in that day. What does everyone think? Leave a comment and check back to this blog for more information about just what we will do with the 9-20-08 meeting.
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