Narcotics Anonymous tells us that continued drug use is a
sure-fire path to institutions, jail, and/or death. Our son Dylan is continuing to follow that dangerous
journey.
After 4 years of spending a high percentage of his time in
juvenile placements, it appeared that Dylan was trying to turn his life
around. He expressed interest in going
to college. He spent 6 months in ¾
housing and accepted his 6-month clean tag with pride. Unfortunately his 2 separate attempts at college
failed, due to drugs (alcohol, marijuana) and poor choices for friends. And now, his most recent actions have landed
him in the county jail for assault and attempted robbery. We expect that he will serve some prison time
for these felony charges.
How are we reacting to Dylan’s actions?
After our initial shock, we were left with strong feelings of
disappointment and sadness that he would make such choices, choices that are so
completely foreign to our family’s values and beliefs. We are so grateful that no one was badly
injured or killed. We still love Dylan,
and will help him when he gets out of prison, but only if he commits himself to
making serious lifestyle changes.
Are we obsessing over what he did?
We refuse to drive ourselves crazy by obsessing over what he
did, why he did it, and how much time he will spend in prison. As one of our PSST parents said at a recent
meeting, we are not distancing ourselves from our son, but instead, we are
separating ourselves from his actions and his drama.
Did we post bail?
Did we post bail?
Dylan is
angry with us because we are not willing to post bail. The judge said
that he would require Dylan to live at home if he were out on bond, but if
Dylan keeps the same circle of friends, as well as his adventurous spirit and
lifestyle, it would put significant strain on our family. We know that following our rules just isn’t
part of Dylan’s current playbook. We believe that he would skip bail to avoid doing prison time (he ran away from juvenile placements twice), leaving us stuck with a huge bill.
Did we hire a lawyer?
After much
deliberation, and talking with many people in our extended support group, we
decided to hire a lawyer. The charges
against Dylan are serious felonies. A
public defender would probably do just fine, but we feel more comfortable with
a private lawyer of our own choice, who will keep our family’s best interests
in mind. We know that there will be consequences
for Dylan’s actions, but we’d like them to be as fair and reasonable as
possible.
Are we sorry that Dylan is in jail? Do we worry ourselves sick every night about
his safety?
No, instead we are grateful that he is safe, because at this
time in his life he is a danger to himself and to others. We know where he is. He is safer in jail than he was on the
streets. Dylan is fun-loving and
generous and intelligent, but he also thinks that he is street-smart and (of
course) invincible. He has no idea how
naïve and impressionable he really is.
4 comments:
Jenn & Brad, I applaud your healthly choices! It is never easy to stand against an addiction which is stronger than family values and your hopes for Dylan.
Our thoughts and prayers are with you in this hard time. We have been in similar situations. It is never easy, even when you make the correct, tough choices.
One help about Allegheny Co. Jail: phone calls after he leaves the booking area are expensive. You will be paying for them, and as Dylan gets a taste of reality behind bars, he may be calling a bunch. Your best deal is to have him talk for the whole 15 minutes -- like operator assisted calls of the past, the first minute costs several dollars and each minute thereafter is only several cents. Calls in the evening are a little less expensive. So help him manage your expectations and your costs. Don't let him talk about his case -- all calls are monitored and recorded. Finally, visits are usually nasty -- come early for the unit's time and expect a dirty phone booth. Bring a bunch of quarters for the parking meter and 1 quarter for the locker.
Ralph.
Jen and Brad,
After talking with you about the incident and hearing the details of Dylan's escapades, I am absolutely amazed at the both of you for having such strength and calm in the midst of this terrible setback. It's good to know that other PSST families have similar stories that have turned out to be positive and life-changing. I'm not sure that many families outside of PSST have the same outcome. Learning to be strong, non-enabling, and loving with Dylan will give him the best chance he has to turn his life around. I wish you peace and serenity during the rough times ahead.
Brigitte
Jenn and Brad,
even though I haven't attended PSST meetings in a long time, I think of everyone often. I am so sorry for this latest turn of events. You are handling this amazingly well, and I applaud your strength and courage. I completely agree with Brigitte that those of us who found and worked with the wonderful parents and professionals at PSST are actually "lucky" - this support has helped you make well informed, non enabling decisions for Dylan, and you are also taking care of yourself. For me personally, the more I took care of myself (as opposed to obsessing about my boys), the better things felt; that is when it will feel right to "detach with love", as Romi from Gateway used to tell us. I am praying for a positive outcome for Dylan, and also wish you inner peace during this difficult time.
Max (Debbie)
Ralph & Brigitte & Max,
Thanks so much for your support and encouragement! It’s comforting that parents like you who have “graduated” from PSST still reach out to encourage those of us who continue to be mired in the trenches. Each of you has demonstrated strength in the face of similar trials, sharing your wisdom with the group over the years, and blazing a path for the rest of us. Your successes give us hope for our family’s future.
Jenn (and Brad)
P.S. to Ralph: Thanks for the county jail tips (even though we wish we didn’t need to know them)!
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