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Quote of the Week
"If I cannot do great things, I can do small things in a great way" ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.
PSST on July 4th? YES, of course!
Let's celebrate our INDEPENDENCE - from enabling, from being fearful, from being manipulated! (See the helpful post below for more information on parents' rights . . .)
Come to our Saturday, July 4th PSST meeting in Wilkinsburg for the perspective, friendship, insights, and shot-in-the-arm that we all need to maintain our sanity.
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PARENT RIGHTS
1. I have the right to be safe in my own home. No matter what I say that someone might not like, I have the right to not feel physically or verbally threatened in my own home. I have the responsibility to see that others in my home feel safe.
2. I have a right to be treated with respect. I have the right not to be yelled at. If you need to tell me something, take care how you speak to me or I won't be standing around listening. I have the responsibility to treat others with respect.
3. I have the right to take care of my own needs. My needs are at least as important as my other family members. I have the responsibility within reason to help others in my family take care of their own needs.
4. I have a right to speak my mind. If some people are going to find me judgmental, intolerant, or whatever, I will remind myself that they have a right to speak their minds too.
5. I have the right to take some time to consider the question before I give an answer. I have the right to "use my lifeline" and make a phone call or consult with someone I trust (my spouse perhaps) before I decide. If my teen HAS to know right now then the answer is NO. When asking for something from family members I will remember that within reason they also have a right to take some time to consider before they answer.
6. I have the right to take a vacation from high-level drama. I recognize the highly addictive nature of drama and I realize that I don't have to "have" some everyday. Sometimes it's OK for me to just "pass" on the crisis-of-the day. I don't have to feel guilty just because I don't ALWAYS make someone else's problem my problem, even if it is my teenager. Likewise, I will remember that just because something is a 911 for me it doesn't have to have emergency significance for others in my family.
7. I have a right to change. The way I coped with stressful things yesterday does not have to be the way I choose to handle stress today. Generally, people don't like to see other people change, unless of course it's the specific change that they prescribed; but that's their problem not mine. It is my responsibility to remember that others have the right to change also.
8. I have the right to ask for help. I have a right to attend as many PSST meetings (or other self-help meetings) as I choose. I know that I am always welcome to the support and education that I find at PSST. If anyone tells me that I am wasting my time or that it's time I stood up and became a real parent who didn't need any help to make these tough decisions, then it's time that I told those people to please mind their own business.
9. I have a right to choose my own boundaries. I don't have to keep secrets about drugs, alcohol, crime, or violations of probation, for my loved ones. If I am NOT COMFORTABLE with something, I can say that. That's reason enough for me to not do it or not to permit my teenager to do it. Likewise, I will allow others within reason to also make the claim that they are NOT COMFORTABLE with something although of course in areas of me holding my teen accountable it is not necessary that my teen feels comfortable with all my actions.
10. I have the right to change my mind. It's a very basic right that is afforded to everyone. Yes, I know it can cause problems and some people will accuse me of being a liar. I know that if I "promise" something then I should try to follow through with that promise; however, sometimes I get "new information" and then I have to reconsider. Also, sometimes I make mistakes and I have to fix them. I have the responsibility to not change my mind in a sneaky, capricious or arbitrary way but to use new information to change my mind in as orderly and as informed manner as possible.
11. I have a right to establish rules in my house. Within the limits of what's effective and what's reasonable, I can take steps to enforce my rules. I've learned that if I have a rule that I'm either unwilling or unable to enforce, then it's better if I don't have that rule. I have the responsibility to be consistent when I apply rules.
12. I have a right to disagree with professionals involved with my teenager's case. Just because a professional is considered an "expert" doesn't mean he is right. I'm an expert too: expert on my own teenager. However, I have the responsibility to weigh carefully any expert opinion that I am afforded. I recognize that I need to struggle to be open minded and that I am not always in the best "seat" to see things objectively. IF i still disagree with the approach that a professional is taking with my child's case then I my understand that first responsibility is to discuss this with my trusted peer group. If I still disagree my next responsibility is to discuss with the professionals involved. If I still have a problem then I must inquire as to how a grievance or protest or if another avenue is offered to object, then I will follow various alternatives that may include supervisors, administrators, or judges until that time that I am more comfortable with the situation.
13. I have a right to not enable my teenager. No matter what my family may think, if I think helping is hurting then I don't have to do it. I'm not giving up when I stop enabling. I am attempting to address my role in the problem.
14. I have a right to be the parent and know that I don't really have the right to be my teenager's friend. Later, when I don't have to be the one in charge because my teenager has grown into a responsible adult, we can be friends. Until then, I'll just be the parent. Especially, if my teen is exhibiting out-of-control behavior I accept that I have the responsibility to not become friends because this limits my ability to parent effectively. It is my responsibility to be the parent first, and the friend second.
15. I have a right to pursue happiness, which may include having interests and hobbies that I feel passionate about, a career or job that I am proud of, and/or friends that I care about. I have a right to be more than just a parent; even if my teenager is in placement or inpatient treatment, life for me goes on. I have the responsibility to not become so obsessed by my teens problems that I forfeit my own happiness.
16. I have a right to be as healthy as I can be and to let my teenager(s) watch me do it. That's my gift to my family. It's my right to give this gift and whether or not they seem to appreciate it at the time doesn't matter. Eventually, teenagers imitate adults and therefore it is both my right and my responsibility to pursue a healthy lifestyle.
I know that some of these over-lap. Perhaps from time to time I will tweak this list. Please add the one's that I missed. Please comment on which one's you feel are most important in the comments section. These are rights that I've heard parents speak about at meetings.
HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY TO ALL PSST PARENTS EVERYWHERE both meeting goers and blog-readers! Hoping that the only fireworks you have to deal with on the 4th are the ones they shoot off in the sky!
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The White House Office of National Drug Control Policy
(ONDCP) has scheduled a webinar for parents who
are concerned about current overdose deaths and opioid misuse. If you are interested in participating, you
must register for the webinar by June 26 (click on the link in the invitation
below). The webinar will be held on July
1, 2015 at 3pm EST.
Below is the invitation
to the webinar from Michael Botticelli, ONDCP’s director, also informally known as the drug czar.
Mr. Botticelli is the first person in substance-abuse (alcohol) recovery to
hold the position.
The ONDCP advises the President on drug-control issues,
coordinates drug-control activities and related funding across the Federal
government, and produces the annual National Drug Control Strategy, which outlines Administration efforts
to reduce illicit drug use, manufacturing and trafficking, drug-related
crime and violence, and drug-related health consequences.
AN INVITATION
I
would like to cordially invite you to join me for a webinar conversation. This
event is designed to be an opportunity for ONDCP to share their recent efforts
to reduce drug overdose deaths and opioid misuse, and to learn from parents
like you how the Administration can assist with your work to keep our children
safe.
The
meeting will take place virtually on July 1, 2015 at 3:00 pm EST.
Please
register for this event here by June 26. You
will be able to share questions when you register, and I will also respond to
live questions during our webinar. Details on how to access the webinar will
only be sent to parties who register. Questions that are submitted for the
postponed webinar have been received and do not need to be posted again.
I encourage you to share this
invitation with other parents
whose lives have been impacted by a child with a substance use disorder. This
conversation is limited to the parents and family members. I hope you can join
me at this webinar to discuss how we can work together to make America
healthier and safer for all.
Thank
you,
Michael
Botticelli,
Director,
White House Office of National Drug Control Policy
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My daughter Gwen is a heroin addict, who was introduced to
drugs by her father (my ex-husband) when she was only 12 years old and in his
custody. Shocking, isn’t it? I can hardly believe it myself. I have struggled mightily for years (with the
help of the court system, probation, and professional counseling services) to
get her into drug treatment programs, only to see her relapse yet again. I am amazed that she is still alive at age
21. Gwen is still active in her
addiction, with no visible signs of wanting to seek treatment. Her father continues to be her biggest
enabler. It breaks my heart.
A few months ago, with the help of professional counselors,
I realized that I needed to “divorce” my daughter. Her continued downward spiral was sapping all
of my energy, and affecting my own health.
I needed to discontinue contact with her, and stop my obsessive worrying
about her.
I wrote the following letter and delivered it to her in-person on Valentine’s Day, along with a silver locket containing two photos, one of her and one of me. The picture of Gwen was taken during one of those rare times when she was “clean”. We look so much alike in those photos! Along with the letter and locket, I gave Gwen a hug, and asked her to call me when she was ready to live a life in recovery.
Making the decision to divorce my daughter was the most painful thing I’ve ever done, but I know that it was the best thing that I could do, both for her and for me.
Gwen,
This is the hardest thing I have ever done in all my life. You see, I love you so very much, and the addicted life you are living is consuming me. All I can think about is you, and what you are doing to buy the drugs you need to feed your addiction. It torments me to realize how your addiction is destroying your chances for a healthy future. It keeps me up all night worrying about what the drugs are doing to you.
You are one of my life’s greatest joys. But until you are ready to live a life in recovery, I need to take care of myself. I can no longer watch you be destroyed by this monster of addiction, and I cannot be part of your addicted life. I have finally realized that my love for you is not enough to conquer your addiction. As an adult, you can (and should) make all of your own decisions. And I get it – you are just not ready to live a clean lifestyle. I know that anything that I say or do cannot change that.
In my dreams, I envision you as a successful, healthy, and clean young woman. I know you have the knowledge and power to overcome this addiction. When you are ready for recovery, call me. Then I will embrace you, and support you in every way that a loving mother can.
Never forget that you are part of me – my beautiful daughter, and my greatest gift from God. I hand you over to Him now, until we are together again.
Your Loving Mother
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UPCOMING MEETINGS
**** PSST meetings will be discontinued for the next several months. Once we have determined a re-start date for the meetings, we will post that information on this website. ****
Check the calendar on the right for the date and location of our next Saturday morning meeting. Meetings are held from 9-11:30am. The first Saturday of the month we meet at the Eastern Probation Office in Wilkinsburg; the second Saturday is at Trinity Lutheran Church in Wexford; and the third Saturday is at Sts Simon and Jude School in Greentree. 
The Eastern Probation Office is located at 907 West St., Wilkinsburg, PA 15221
Click here for detailed directions
