I
called the number and Lloyd answered. He explained how the group worked, and
urged me to come to a meeting. I was very worried I would be the only
"normal" parent in the room. I was sure if parents went to this
group, their kids must really be "bad" and the parents probably
weren't very savvy, like I thought I was. I attended a meeting and it changed
my life.
I
noticed with a bit of surprise and relief that the parents were just like me.
My sons were just like their kids, and some were actually friends of my boys. I
was no longer ashamed, and I certainly didn't feel judged. It stopped me from
feeling helpless and gave me the tools to be pro-active and in control of my
home and myself. I learned these things in the most supportive atmosphere with
the best junk food. I knew everyone understood how I felt. I had gained the
greatest friends in the process. I was hooked, and I went to every meeting,
every location, every month for a solid 2 years.
It
was at PSST that I acquired my arsenal of weapons: "I'm not comfortable
with that", "Would you like to ask me again?", "I will not
keep your secrets", "You aren't going to like what I'm going to
say" and my personal favorite "YOU'RE RIGHT! I AGREE WITH YOU ABOUT
THAT!" I was shocked that they worked so well and so quickly with our
boys. Mel & I learned we were so afraid of their big reactions, that we
avoided confrontation at all costs. But the cost of doing nothing was huge.
We can't say
enough about how important PSST is for a parent in our position. I tell anyone
I meet with a similar issue to come to a meeting and read the blog. Role-plays
and insights from the group’s leaders are invaluable teaching tools. The advice
we received helped us out of limbo and into action. We had access to some of
the most empathetic, generous and truly caring mental health professionals we
have ever dealt with. We know of no other group or place that offers the help
to parents we received from PSST and we are forever grateful.
Our current status:
Our elder son Michael is living in
an apartment with his very lovely girlfriend, and continues to be enrolled in a
CCAC trade program. He is looking for a job (to supplement his landscaping job
which is very part time) and not having much success. We’ve tried to help with
advice and contacts. His response : “Thanks, I appreciate your help, but if you
help, it won’t be my accomplishment. I want to do this myself”. Wow.
Our younger son David just
graduated from high school and walked in commencement, which is something we
honestly didn’t know would happen until finals were over. He continues to work
on the line in a nice restaurant, getting more hours and gaining more
experience. He plans to go to culinary school, but we all agreed he should just
work for a while to be sure. His goal is to move into an apartment by the
spring of 2015. The worst thing I can say about him living at home is that he
doesn’t clean up after himself (his bedroom is scary) to my standards...but he
is otherwise pleasant and reasonable.
We are truly proud of both of
them.
I still use PSST-isms almost every
time I communicate with either boy, while continuing to work on myself; to not
enable, to not hover, to not sweat the small stuff, and to keep in mind that
they have their own identities and personalities and are not merely extensions
of us.
Max
Max
4 comments:
Thank you for sharing your honest thoughts of how you felt coming into PSST rooms as I am sure we can relate to those feelings but you described them so well. Also the results are so hopeful for the possibilities that can happen when their behavior is so dysfunctional and scary. It's hard not to imagine anything but worse case scenario for their futures. Which probably fuels some of things that do happen if I do interject.
So far we are experiencing the ups and downs of Pebbles and Dina's attempts with sobriety and 12 step programs. They recently decided to live together with Dina's boyfriend which we strongly advised against. The results were quickly disastrous and the attempts to pull us in were a struggle to avoid. They are both adults now although Pebbles at 20, is only an adult in legal terms and Dina's maturity has been curtailed from years of drug abuse that even at 31, she is just a young teen at best. We have told them so often how smart they are and how skillful they can be so we feel we need to give them the dignity to use their skills to work this out and use the resources available to get through this explosion that has recently occurred. As two addicts who think they can live with 12 step picking and choosing what they want to use and with strong emotional ties with each other their life's have become a head on collision that is difficult not run to the scene and pick up the wounded, take them home to nurse them back to health. But we have done this so many times only for them to regain their strength and walk out to begin their dangerous lifestyles again. It is so difficult to know that if nothing changes, change does not occur. So it begins with us to be the change and let them work this out. Having your two children fighting each other is more heartbreaking then when they have their own separate issues; but it is what it is. We just hope we all learn a lesson from this. We are trying to use our PSST phrases to reply to them when they call to report what the other is up to and to generally complain about each other. We always dreamed of a loving family with sisters that are close and supportive. But right now their addiction is controlling their thoughts and behaviors and we have to allow this to run its course. We are powerless of what their relationship is and will be. They are angry that we are not getting involved and picking sides. They feel we are being unfair. Having supportive meetings to go to with parents dealing with similar issues and PSST blog keeps me from isolating and falling into a deep depression . Learning to find other interests to keep me busy does not mean I have abodoned my daughters but allows them to live their lives as I live mine. When I first attended meetings I was asked what I did for fun. I hated that question. I wasn't having any fun. I was feeling obligated to be in the trenches with my daughters. Slowly I have tried several hobbies and interests until I found what worked for me. After being laid off and having too much time on my hands I have found a part time job that training took up a lot of my focus, friends through PSST and other groups to go to art festivals, movies and baseball games with. The girls survived without my constant focus and I think it is better for all of us that I take better care of myself. Maybe by example they too will do the same in their own time.
Betty
Max - Thanks for sharing your uplifting story! You & Mel went thru some pretty tough times with your sons, but your courage and perseverance have paid off.
We know that it won't always turn out as well for every family, but it's heartening to see outcomes like yours.
Jenn
Hey everyone who reads this - just so you know, we are not living in "Brady Bunch Bliss" or anything. Yes, both boys have made good strides in maturity. They still screw up royally. It is difficult to watch. They aren't necessarily drug and alcohol addiction issues, but there are many other issues out there to be had by a person - with relationships, money, honesty, police, etc. The main difference is my husband and I have really worked on detaching from them in a healthy way, and make it a point not to get involved with their personal lives (both are over 18). Both kids know for sure we will not rescue them from any negative situation they get themselves into. But also, we no longer have false expectations that the boys live a life we imagined for them; rather, we accept who they are in reality. It is hard work to get to that point - and occasionally I fall back into old patterns when I see something that worries me - but then, I call my PSST life line (Daisy!) for a reminder course and reality check. That is what has helped us get to this place of relative calm!! Wishing all our PSST friends the best -
fondly,
Max
Max,
I appreciate your insight that we need to accept our children as they are in reality, and not as we wish/hope they would be. Although that's important for every parent to realize, it's even more critical when our children have struggled with addiction and mental health issues.
And definitely, yes, it IS hard work to keep our focus on that! Brad & I work together to deal with that issue on a regular basis.
Jenn
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