Dylan was home from placement for 31 days. Apparently that’s all he could take. Maybe he hasn’t changed (for the better) as much as we had thought. Maybe home was the wrong place for him to be, with the lure of old friends and old habits, and a strong desire to “make up for lost time” while he was in placement.
As soon as he came home, he started bumming
cigarettes from friends. He was hooked
immediately – the draw of nicotine was like a siren’s call. We were not overly surprised by that, and
thought at least it was better than weed or pills or alcohol.
Dylan met many of his Probation & home
contract conditions. He spent more time
at home than we expected, generally with one friend who we think was a
reasonably good influence. He quickly
found a part-time job at Hollister at the mall, although we were disappointed
at how slowly they were bringing him on board.
He did relaxing teen activities such as playing basketball at the rec
center, playing videogames, watching movies, texting and skyping his friends. He was also doing some more “grown-up”
activities, such as very basic cooking, doing his laundry, and doing some
chores around the house to earn some spending money. Surprisingly, he met curfew, except for the
night that he was 3 hours late, and we had to pick him up in Bridgeville under
questionable circumstances. On Super
Bowl Sunday, someone posted a video on his Facebook page, showing Dylan
drinking a shot at a friend’s house, which Dylan denied until his P.O. pointed
out that the video was public. The P.O.
placed him on 2 weeks’ house arrest.
At home, Dylan was generally busy, and did his
best to avoid or ignore us most of the time.
It was difficult to get his attention to talk about his future
plans. He became an increasingly
reluctant participant in family therapy.
He had occasional outbursts of anger when he didn’t get his way, at
times becoming verbally abusive as he had in his past. As the judge said at his hearing, he is a little
too old to be having temper tantrums.
We had a few nice moments as a family during
the past 31 days. There were some casual
conversations during car rides together, and once he even voluntarily joined us
for a movie we were watching at home. We
all shared in his high school graduation day – he was happy, and we have
smiling family photos to remember the day.
It was still a mixed-message day – during dinner after graduation, he
was distracted and impatient, and spent half of the time outside the restaurant
talking to friends on his phone.
For his father’s birthday, we enjoyed going
out to a movie and dinner. At home we sang
“happy birthday” as we shared our traditional birthday cake, a chocolate chip
cookie cake. We felt like a normal
family that day. The next day, Dylan turned
into a monster. He wanted to go to a high
school basketball game with his father, who said that he would take him, but
only if he left his cigarettes at home since tobacco products are not permitted
on school property. Dylan insisted that was
not acceptable to him, and it escalated from there. He became demanding, unreasonable,
threatening in posture and language, and verbally abusive. We called the police, who took Dylan to
Shuman.
We really thought that we could provide an
environment where Dylan could succeed.
We also thought that Dylan was committed to succeeding, and that he had
learned the skills to do that. What we
found is that we were working at it much harder than he was. Not that we were perfect, or as strong as we
would have liked to be.
As a wise PSST parent shared at one of our
meetings, change only takes place when the pain of remaining the same is
greater than the pain of the change.
We go back to court next week to find out the
next step in Dylan’s journey. We think
that supervised independent living will be best for him. As some other PSST families have learned,
sometimes our teens just cannot live at home.
At this sad juncture, as we clean up Dylan’s
room in preparation for the next step in his future, I find this quote
comforting:
"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end." ~ Seneca
4 comments:
I'm so sorry to hear this, Jen. I know how hard you and Brad have worked to try to prepare Dylan to return home. I hope a safe place can be found for him to live once he leaves Shuman and that you will still be able to work on your relationship with him. I'm glad you were able to remember the highlights of the past few months.
Brigitte
I am sorry having Dylan back home didn't work out. Brigitte said it best about knowing how hard you and Brad worked to try to prepare for Dylan's return home. I know how hard it is for everyone to adjust when they do return. I know from our meetings how much effort you two were putting forth for a hopeful successful outcome. Dylan has made imporovements but may need more assistance to make this work. This time at home gave everyone an opportunity to get a clear understanding of where he needs more support. There are good memories and also an appreciation for the program support provided to keep Dylan safe as well as yourselves. You have reached out to so many of us with hopeful messages when we were hurting, frustrated, sometimes angry with our difficult situations. I just want to reach out to you both and send a cyber hug. I commend the both of you for your positive outlook, hopeful messages and sense of humour that you share with us. The support you have provided Dylan has been unwavering. Your strength and committment seems to grow with each challaenge. You two have been an inspiration to our PSST group.
Betty
I met briefly with Dylan last night at his halfway house. He is off to a great start. He seems to love the new place, minus a couple rules but he thinks he can deal with the rules. He seems intent on proving everyone wrong about his abilities to be successful. Of course this is the honeymoon period, so we'll see how he is doing in a few weeks...
One very promising note is that he wanted to know if he was still on the fatal awareness line up in April. I assured him that he was, and he offered to be the "main speaker" if we still needed one but was very humble about saying that he just wanted to participate anyway that we thought appropriate.
I think what you guys did this last time around was very significant. At this point, Dylan isn't blaming anybody else although we know he did a bit of that in Court until the Judge cut him short. Also, I believe that he is no longer harboring the belief that you really don't want him. I think your powerful but simple statement in Court that you preferred to have him home again was so heartfelt, and that in spite of all that you had just been through, when nobody would have blamed you for throwing in the towel, you still wanted to give it one more try and that it was up to Dylan, was enough to dispel his belief that he wasn't really wanted. We've talked about how important this is sometimes with adopted children.
In effect, you reduced by a long shot the baggage that Dylan carries with him to the halfway house. Instead of seeing himself as "put in the halfway house because no one "really" wanted him he now sees the halfway house as his decision, because he just wanted to become more independent in preparation for college.
You have both humbled me with your courage unselfish effort. All failure isn't bad, and all victory is not fulfilling. I think it might be years before we can clearly see how important your last stand with Dylan was and how indeed it turns out to be a beginning of a more healthy relationship than an ending of anything.
Thanks to all of you who posted comments here, sent emails, or called via phone. The support from people who understand our situation - and all the emotions that go along with it - is very helpful and encouraging. Dylan is at a halfway house now, and we look ahead to his new beginning with renewed hope for the future.
Jenn
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