Nature vs Nurture?
This is an age old question when trying to understand behavior. I think many of us PSST parents struggle with this question when trying to understand our substance abusing teens. And as an adoptive mother (and there are quite a few of us in PSST who are adoptive parents) I can't help but wonder. Bam Bam's birth mom had substance abuse and psychiatric problems herself.
And I found out recently that Bam had found one of his brothers on facebook. At first I didn't recognize the name. What caught my eye was this boy mentioning placement and tagging kids he had known in placement so I thought that maybe this was someone Bam had met in placement. then I noticed the hometown linked it with the kid's name and put the puzzle together. And this brother was busted for his involvement in knocking off a convenience store with a gun and had posts about being high. And he is only 16 years old. We have not had physical contact with the birthfamily in about 13 years. So here we have two brothers, not raised together, but both with substance abuse problems, placements and crime. Bam was picked up for shoplifting once and not charged but I suspect that wasn't the first or last time he just hasn't been caught again. But I know that in my own biological family we have had alcoholism, suicide, crime, mental health problems. So even if Bam was my biological child we still had our own skeletons in the closet. I think I was (am) a good mother and did the best I could. I feel that I nurtured him gave him unconditional love, stability. I know i'm not perfect, far from it. And there are kids out there with worse environments who don't turn to drugs and alcohol. Could I have prevented this? Probably not. I just hope that eventually he "gets" it and turns his life around. He is making some progress but I'm afraid when the ankle bracelet comes off, even with probation, he may not be able to resist the influences of his friends and his craving for weed and alcohol.
Wilma
And I found out recently that Bam had found one of his brothers on facebook. At first I didn't recognize the name. What caught my eye was this boy mentioning placement and tagging kids he had known in placement so I thought that maybe this was someone Bam had met in placement. then I noticed the hometown linked it with the kid's name and put the puzzle together. And this brother was busted for his involvement in knocking off a convenience store with a gun and had posts about being high. And he is only 16 years old. We have not had physical contact with the birthfamily in about 13 years. So here we have two brothers, not raised together, but both with substance abuse problems, placements and crime. Bam was picked up for shoplifting once and not charged but I suspect that wasn't the first or last time he just hasn't been caught again. But I know that in my own biological family we have had alcoholism, suicide, crime, mental health problems. So even if Bam was my biological child we still had our own skeletons in the closet. I think I was (am) a good mother and did the best I could. I feel that I nurtured him gave him unconditional love, stability. I know i'm not perfect, far from it. And there are kids out there with worse environments who don't turn to drugs and alcohol. Could I have prevented this? Probably not. I just hope that eventually he "gets" it and turns his life around. He is making some progress but I'm afraid when the ankle bracelet comes off, even with probation, he may not be able to resist the influences of his friends and his craving for weed and alcohol.
Wilma
2 comments:
My Dear Wilma,
You are not alone in pondering these questions. Even those of us with biological children have limited understanding of why one child becomes an addict and another does not. What makes sense to me, given the evidence, is that it is a disease. Like heart disease or diabetes, and I use this analogy because I'm a nurse and can analyze it more objectively. There is a hereditary predisposition to it, yes, there are environmental factors that can contribute, yes, but the fact is, it is a disease. We never know who will contract it. No one is immune. It is not discriminatory. All we can do is treat the disease once identified. As with any illness there are non-compliant patients. Unfortunately, it seems because our patients are so young and the disease process so destructive, physically as well as with the thought process, our children have a high rate of noncompliance.
Logically I understand, but as a mother trying to save her child it's a large pill to swallow (no pun intended).
You are a good mother as are all the parents in PSST. After all, they are there to find ways to do their part to save their children.
Unlike some diseases, this one can be put into permanent remission. So that is the hope we hold onto. That path as with any disease can only be traveled by the patient. Oh it's a very rough road, but at least there is a road. I pray for all our children to have enough clarity to find that road and enough faith and courage to follow it.
Violet
Wilma, As another adoptive mother we knew about the drug adiction in Ed's family. He was 4 when he was removed from his home and 8 when he came to live with us. We were open and talked often about the dangers of drugs, especially for him with his history. It didn't seem to matter because when he was given the opportunity he jumped at the chance to try the drugs that tore his biological family apart. In Ed's family his 3 older siblings have never tried drugs, maybe because they were older than Ed and they saw the problems that drugs caused in their family and ultimately losing that family. On the other hand Ed's younger half brother has had problems with the law and many behavior issues. He and Ed were on probation at the same time. Last year Ed's biological father passed away from a heroin overdose. We hear from family members that his mother is still using. The adiction is strong.
I agree with Violet that no matter what, adoptied or biological, there will always be hereditary genes that we have to deal with. It's knowing how to help and being there to save our children so that they can live another day. Continue to try to find ways to nurture Bam while at the same time show him you are going to do what ever it takes to save his live. So3meday he will thank you.
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