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Quote of the Week
"If I cannot do great things, I can do small things in a great way" ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.
Parents have a secret weapon that is fairly easy to use, free, and parents have almost unlimited amounts. It isn't a silver bullet. It won't solve a lot problems by itself; however, it will give you the edge. Using this technique liberally, along with the other parenting skills could actually effect a change in your teenager.
The reason why is that this secret weapon is all about relationship building. Hit "read more" to see if you've guessed what skill this is.
Physical contact. You might call this one the Vitamin Skill because like a vitamin, it won't cure you of a disease but taken regularly it can help you fight off diseases or heal yourself faster.
When you first meet someone you know that except to shake their hand it's not really appropriate to hug, put your arm around them or even to take their hand outside of a shake. Why? Because when you first meet someone you know that you don't know them that well. Having physical contact with someone implies that you know them better. This is the universal symbol that two people have a somewhat close relationship. Of course being close enough to hug someone doesn't mean that you are life-long buddies or BFF. It does suggest a casual intimacy or an easy going friendship. Every time you hug someone you reaffirm that you still have at least a casual intimacy if not more than a casual intimacy.
The reverse is true too. If you aren't comfortable touching someone, whether or not that someone is one of your children, you reaffirm that you are not close or casually intimate. If you see someone and never touch them, that can mean business only please.
Some things happen in early adolescence that naturally decrease physical contact between parents and teenagers. First, teens often don't want that hug or that hand on their arm. They feel they've outgrown that. It's age appropriate that they see themselves as moving past all that; however, they really haven't outgrown the need for touching because people never outgrow it.
Your teenager might come right out and challenge you by saying that you are too "touchy feely" and please back off.
The flip side of the coin is that as a parent you feel betrayed when your teen develops a drug problem, and all the various behaviors that come along with it. Parents can build up resentments. Suddenly you are not as comfortable going to the hug. Also, people hate rejection. parents are no different. If you keep going to the well and it's dry, then you stop going to the well.
The point of this post is to encourage parents to see this physical touch thing as a challenge. The quick fix: hug your kids every chance you get. If you have to, sneak up on them and give them a quick-hug. Sneak up on them and give him/ her a back rub. Sneak up on him/ her and touch his arm. Don't allow your teenager to discount your involvement. Hug anyway although if the teen resists, you won't be hugging too much or for too long, but don't let the your teenager's rejection stop you from continuing to try the next time!
Become a ninja hugger. Sneak up on them and become master of the quick hug. If they confront you, just agree with them that you want so much to hug them that it's practically impossible to do stop- sorry. On some level the teenager will like that. The only caution is not let the hug last too long, especially if the teen is resistant.
The big exception to this might be male adults, step parents especially, hugging teenage girls. It's still recommended but more sensitivity to a teen's plea to stop might be in order so the wrong idea doesn't come across.
Hugging not only can change a teen's attitude towards the parent, but hugging can improve the parent's attitude towards the teenager. Both can feel the warmth. It might not feel warm when you do it but just keep it up regularly and see if you don't feel differently.
Stay tuned for Secret Weapon #2, coming soon.
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What last year's cake would have looked like except that
Lloyd let the plastic wrap touch the icing. It still tasted
good :-) Click "read more" to see another cake! |
Once again, a parent from PSST will be named Allegheny County Parent of the Year! The award will be given on October 6th, but the fun happens this Saturday, October 1, at our Eastern District Probation Office where no doubt we will celebrate as we always do- with CAKE!
 This year's winner was nominated by numerous people including parents. This year's winner won for acts of bravery, excellent command of PSST skills, for showing a lot of growth, and for reaching out to other parents. Those nominating felt that this year's winner stood out for those reasons; however, it is also true that this award could have been given out to many other PSST parents who also act bravely, study and use the PSST skills, show a lot of improvement and reach out to other parents. In some ways, everyone who attends PSST wins (again this year!).
Click here to see pictures from last year's Parent of the Year Award.
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We can't announce the winner on the blog until after
October 6th. If you know who won remember "mums" the word! |
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On November 11, 2011 there will be a live workshop on Oppositional Defiant and Anger Issues in Children and Adolescents at the Embassy Suites - Airport with Program Director Jay Berk Ph.D.
Wilma plans on bringing fliers to this Saturday's meeting. CLICK HERE if you wish to look at the information online.
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 They say that it gets worse before it gets better but its only getting worse.
I updated Bam Bam's status last week. It feels like a decade ago.
Wednesday 9-21 started like any other day-Bam Bam didn't go to school, badgered Fred for money (it started at $5) and escalated to Bam Bam punching a door with his broken hand, punching out Fred's lawn tractor-which doesn't work now and we dont' know if it can be repaired, and threatening that the next thing he punches will be Fred's face. What was different is that FRED CALLED 911.
I was terrified and elated when he called me at work to tell me he called the police. He finally DID IT! When I got home there were two squad cars and a third came shortly after. Now we had THREE COPS at our house. They said they couldn't arrest Bam all they could do was write a citation and he would have to pay restitution. I said I wanted him to go to Shuman but they said no they couldn't and had a bunch of reasons which I don't remember. In hindsight, should I have pushed them?? I don't know.
One of the officers was a former EMT and because of the violent situation that had started over really nothing and Bam Bam's psych issues he suggested calling the ambulance and having him evaluated which we agreed to.
We spent 10 HOURS at hospital number 1. Bam begged me to stay with him so I stayed with him in psych holding. I was prepared, though, to leave at the first sign of any aggression. He was the only adolescent there. When asked by the psych nurse what I wanted I told her he can't come home he needs help. She asked me several times if I was sure (I think she wanted me to change my mind) but I told her "I was not comfortable taking him home.)"
What would he do then? We had already had experience taking him home and before leaving the parking lot of the hospital Bam Bam was using abusive language and throwing things. I wasn't making that mistake again. Bam of course worked very hard at trying to change my mind but I held firm. Fred was in total agreement with Bam not coming home. He waited in the general emergency waiting area. While talking with Bam and the nurse for our interview and intake Bam Bam admitted to relapsing "once" the week before, however, based on his behavior over the last 6 weeks or so I was suspecting him of using. We had given him two urine screens that I felt he had manipulated somehow but couldn't be sure. They both came out negative.
I then bought oral saliva drug tests that Bam Bam refused. He told me I was trying to trick him! I think he knew his goose was cooked as he wouldn't be turning away from me to give a sample, I could watch him the whole time. There would be no "I can't pee in front of anybody' or Not in front of my Mom!" He also admitted to taking niacin (Fred found large white tablets in Bam's string bag when he went home to pack a few things for his stay at Hospital 2 and Bam said that was the niacin and our friend the pharmacist concurred). Bam's Bam's behavior prior to this episode was constantly needing money, hanging out with his same people, places things and of course his new "friend" Cueball who we suspect of stealing beer from us and also Bam's new $350 glasses. I called the counselor at school to see if the glasses were in Bam's locker. the locker was completely empty. She told me that kids will sell their glasses for the frames. And this is what I think happened-he either sold them for money, traded for drugs or Cueball stole them. Not matter what the truth they are gone and Bam doesn't have any glasses! When I mentioned Cue's name to the counselor she said we should be concerned that Bam Bam is associating with him.
Finally transport arrived so that we got to Hospital 2 about 12:30-1:00 Thursday morning. We were exhausted!
He was allowed to call Friday night and of course says he is o.k. there is no reason to be there, etc. I had already talked to the PA earlier in the day who brought up possible DAS (Diversion and Stabilization) program. now that Bam Bam has medical assistance there are no roadblocks to treatment that is denied under our primary insurance. Hallelujah!
Saturday I went myself to visit. I took Bam some McDonald's and he tried to work me during the whole 10-15 minute visit. I didn't bring up any possible treatment scenarios as I needed him to hear it from the staff. I just told him we had our meeting with the counselor on Sunday and see what he said. Later on Saturday I picked Fred up after the PITT game and he talked the most he's talked about all of this. One thing that was different is that he is not falling for Bam Bam's games anymore. He talked about how he let Bam Bam use him for money, rides, believing his lies. I felt sad for him but so glad that FINALLY we are together on this.
Sunday we had our family meeting with the therapist. The therapist and doctor are recommending the DAS program. Bam DOES NOT WANT THIS. He wants to come home and be with his family. that is all he needs along with maybe some rehab. he DOES NOT get that he also has mental health issues that need to be dealt with and it's the usual what do we do first? Mental health or D&A? to get dual dx treatment has been a nightmare for us and I am considering dropping his primary insurance so that we don't have so many problems getting him proper treatment.
Because of his escalating violent behavior (which he does not see) he needs to go. The therapist said that Bam is making poor decisions (drugs, alcohol, stealing, etc) not really in touch with reality, etc (I should tape these things) he strongly recommends the DAS. Fred mentioned to the therapist when we were leaving how Bam had been asking about his BB guns and without blinking an eye he said Bam was going to sell them. Fred never thought of this, wouldn't want to think this but is believing it now. Later on we went to visiting, took McDonald's, and Bam Bam was telling us he does not think he needs the DAS. He'll go back to therapy all he needs is to come home. We told him if he didn't follow the treatment plan he WAS NOT COMING home. He was shocked. Later on the nurse called twice to tell me he was agitated, had punched something and was asking for something to calm him down and again that she had to call the doc. What Bam didn't tell us earlier was that he had told staff and patients that he didn't agree with anything that was recommended and that he was going to scale the fence (i'd like to see this) and run off. What that got him was level 2, not allowed to leave the unit.
Also on Sunday Bam is getting text messages from somebody he owes $20. I texted back "???" and this kid texted back that Bam should bring the $20 to school Monday Hmm, wonder what that's for??? Today the kid texted "YO" so I guess he's going to be waiting awhile before he gets paid back!
Today, Monday. Bam's ACT 53 went without a hitch. His case was continued and we didn't have to appear before the judge. The judge didn't even want to hear the gory details so it was uneventful.
Fred and I filled out a juvenile court allegation form to press charges against Bam Bam for this latest episode. This time it's both of us, not just me and hopefully Bam Bam will get probation. We both really think he needs the added court supervision. He is getting more out of control.
I also talked with the social worker at the hospital and a referral was sent to the DAS program even though as of yesterday Bam said he wouldn't go. DAS is voluntary so he is going to have to agree. i did let her know that if he refuses he is not coming home and cyf will then have to get involved. If he does agree I am also working on alternative transportation from one place to the other. Yesterday we were told that we have to get him there. however, we have had him in the car trying to jump out, throwing things, grabbing the steering wheel so I told the social worker that I don't think we can safely be expected to transport him unless he was unconscious and/or handcuffed in the back seat! I am working on private ambulance which of course our primary insurance doesn't cover but Gateway might. The Social worker also said she will look into alternatives.
So that is where we are today.
Wilma
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Diversion & Acute Stabilization Program
The Diversion and Acute Stabilization (DAS) Program is an acute treatment facility that provides an alternative to inpatient hospitalization for children and adolescents; ages 9-17. The program features basic psychiatric assessment and medication monitoring, intensive individual, family and group therapy, case management services during the course of treatment, educational services and organized activities that will prepare residents for integration back into the community or in some situations to stabilize prior to moving on to another level of care.
Emphasis in the DAS Program is placed on a Cognitive Behavioral Therapeutic model. This model allows us to engage residents in a safe environment that provides them with insight to precursors for behavioral and psychiatric issues that manifest acutely. The DAS Program includes all aspects of the Sanctuary Model in providing trauma informed care during a resident’s stay.
The environment affords the client a more homelike and comfortable environment where the adolescent can be evaluated and participate in the therapeutic setting. The program will continue to be licensed under the 3800 Regulations for Children and Youth Providers and is overseen by DPW and OMHSAS.
The twenty-five bed facility is staffed 24/7 with an ideal complement of clinical and front-line staff with access to all the amenities that the campus has to offer, including recreational and
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