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Quote of the Week
"If I cannot do great things, I can do small things in a great way" ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.
Sometimes we are so busy focusing on the chaos generated by our teenagers that we forget to take care of ourselves. As Lloyd Woodward wrote a year ago in his posting “We Can Do It,”
If you don't take care of yourself you can't take care of others. Set a good example for your addict by having your own life, where you pursue happiness by having good relationships, where you spend time with people you care about, and have strong interests and hobbies. Work out. Eat well. Get lots of sleep. Be strong. That way, when the real crisis comes you will be ready.  Here are some excerpts from Regina Brett’s “45 life lessons and 5 to grow on”, published in the Cleveland Plain Dealer in 2007. These life lessons are good reminders about taking care of ourselves and keeping a positive attitude about life. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
When in doubt, just take the next small step.
You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
Always choose life.
Forgive everyone everything.
Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
Believe in miracles.
God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
The best is yet to come....
Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.
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This came up at last week's meeting. I remember talking about this years ago in PSST and referring to the Article by Lori, The Eight Things I Wish I Knew. This part about anger is only part of the article. Click on the above link if you wish to read the whole article.
Hold onto some of the anger because sometimes you will still need it.
One trick that I have in getting control of noise in my mind, setting aside my fears and getting control of my emotions so that I can “think straight” is what I call, Hanging onto the Anger.
I do not mean that we strike out in anger, but use it in a constructive manner in order to provide strength to do what you must do.
Nothing can bring us greater joy than our kids can. There is truly nothing better in life. In fact, I think life would be very shallow without the joy that our children have given us.
However, at the other end of the spectrum, no one can get you angrier than your children can. Your spouse may run close second, but your kids are the winners in the anger category.
The drug addicted behaviors, the extreme defiance, the lies, the stealing and the chaos.
And the moments of extreme anger.
Why - Won’t - He - Stop! Why does he continue to rip us apart? I don’t even recognize him anymore. What is happening to him? What is so very, very wrong here!?
Well, now we now know the answers to all those questions.
Our teenager is not the typical teenager who is just spreading their wings.
Our teenager is not the adventurous teenager who may be taking more risks than you would like him to take.
Our teenager is not going through some “drug experimenting” phase and all will be okay when it is over.
Our teenager is not one of many others that we know who did just that – And they were just fine!!
Our teenager is a Drug Addict.
Our teenager needs help.
Our teenager needs treatment.
Our teenager needs long-term treatment.
You are a critical part to your child’s survival of their Addiction.
So, hang onto that anger and remember it when you need the strength for that little extra push.
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Lately I've had several people ask about contracts. There are different ways to do contracts. It's an individual thing. It's a very good idea to use one especially if your teenager is returning home from rehab or from placement.
We've written a few pieces about contracts and by putting "contract" (no need for quotes) in the search box in the upper right hand corner of the blog I'm proud to say that A LOT comes up. Give it a try.
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 The time I have been waiting for..........Beaver is finally home after doing a stint at a rehabilitation facility. Actually multiple facilities but I digress. And I suppose longer than a ‘stint’—16 months, but who’s counting?
It’s so funny, I’ve cried so many tears for things lost while the Beaver was away; his presence in the home, graduations, celebrations, holidays, birthdays, births, and deaths. Now the little scamp is back home and I am still crying! "Why are you doing this, June?" I ask myself. I listened for an answer but only heard some rap music playing—loudly. Was this the response I was waiting for?
The first 30 days of Beaver’s return home I will fondly remember as the Super Glue days. Wherever Beaver went so did I. Wherever I went, so did the Beaver. Boy, that was some fun! A true bonding experience.
We’ve now rolled into the second component of our new and improved lives. This is the "June releases the reins a bit" phase. Beaver gets to go out by himself. I now have to ‘trust’ that "people, places, and things" are behind us. [I say ‘us’ because this is a team effort.] Beaver’s freedom is my trip down the rabbit hole. Every comment has to be processed, analyzed, and then processed again before it comes out of my mouth. Except for the other night.
Little Beaver comes out of his room and approached the couch where I was reading. "What the h-ll did you do to your lip?!?" June screamed. "I pierced my lip!" Beaver said with a smile. That silly little Beaver thought it would be funny to put magnets on the inside and outside bottom lip to give him the "snake bite" look. I had forgotten how fast I can move when put to the test. "I’ll rip those out of your lip if you ever try that Beaver" June replies. Now, thinking back-- processing, analyzing, and processing again—I wouldn’t change a word of it.
Beaver turns 18 next week. Joy, joy, joy! Beaver is getting a tattoo for his birthday present to himself. What could it possibly be? Would it be a heart with Mother in it? Or a little star, or moon? "Mom, guess what I’m getting on my back? It’s going to be ‘see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil’ but instead of monkeys it’s going to be skulls!! Won’t that be cool? For the see no evil, there will be a knife gouging out an eyeball, and hear no evil will be a knife through the ears. And Jed [the tattoo artist] is going to make it mechanical looking, and it will look like they’re popping right out of my back! Awesome!!" said Beaver excitedly. "And it’s only going to cost $600! I am getting a great deal because he’s doing this special for me ‘cause I know him from NA and it’s my birthday and everything. I’m going to make sure I’m not scheduled to work on my birthday so I can get this done!"
And, once again, down the rabbit hole I go.
Perhaps I should change my name to Alice.
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 We must accept finite disappointment, but we must never lose infinite hope. ~ Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
Since first grade, Dylan has had difficulty reacting appropriately with authority figures on a consistent basis. At times, he became very angry and out of control. As concerned parents, we took him to therapists on and off during his elementary school years, and we often met with school administrators and teachers to put action plans and consequences in place. Thankfully, there were two relatively peaceful years during middle school, when it appeared that Dylan was outgrowing his behavior issues. But then the intermediate school years arrived, along with the early signs of puberty, and the situation worsened.
A brief clash with the legal system that resulted in 6 months of probation appeared to be an eye-opener for Dylan. However, once his probation was over, his defiant behavior escalated exponentially. He often refused to attend school and/or to arrive there on time, was insubordinate with teachers and administrators but refused to serve the assigned detentions, and was openly unapologetic about smoking weed. He became more and more defiant with his parents, school administrators, teachers, and even the local police. We made numerous phone calls to the local police to “restore the peace” in our home, spent many sleepless nights wondering whether Dylan was going to leave the house to wander the neighborhood, and agonized over Dylan’s choices of questionable “friends”. We had strong support from the school staff and the local police, but throughout it all, we still felt lost, worried and heartsick. There were many dark, dark days. As grown adults who had successful work careers, we were being outfoxed at every turn by an openly defiant teenager who had gained too much power in our home. We were assured by various well-meaning people that we were good parents and were doing nothing wrong, but how could that be true, given the results? We felt so helpless.
An administrator at our son’s school referred us to the Parents Survival Skills Training (PSST) blog, and we began to read some of the postings on the site. My husband (Brad) and I liked some of the advice that we saw on the blog, so we decided to attend a meeting to see what it was like. To be honest, we were skeptical. We are not meeting “groupies”. Airing our dirty family laundry in front of a bunch of strangers didn’t really sound like a fun way to spend 3 hours each Saturday morning. Did everyone go there just to get their problems off their chests so they would “feel better”?? We wanted answers. We wanted to learn how to parent a defiant child whose thoughts and actions were totally foreign and incomprehensible to us. We needed help.
 The outpouring of practical advice and encouragement from the Allegheny County Probation and Wesley Spectrum staff who coordinate the PSST meetings has been phenomenal. We are also grateful for the kindness and support from the other parents, whose personal journeys have been both a source of inspiration and a reality check for us. The blog itself is a great source of thoughtful and useful advice.
Acting on sage guidance from the PSST professionals and parents, we pressed charges against our son and told the judge that we did not want him released back into our home. That was one of the hardest things that we ever had to do, but it wasn’t any harder than watching Dylan spiraling out of control. Less than 90 days after beginning our journey with the PSST group, Dylan was ordered by the courts into an intensive inpatient program. Two months have passed since that day in court. It has been very quiet & peaceful in our home. We miss Dylan – we miss his playfulness, his wit, and his ability to make us laugh – but we don’t miss the chaos and anxiety that choked us. We are comforted that he is safe and in a program that can help him gain some maturity and better decision-making skills.
Dylan’s counselor tells us that he is still very vulnerable right now, as he struggles to focus on the personal changes that he needs to make. While Dylan is going through behavioral counseling, Brad & I are in training too. Through the weekly PSST sessions, Brad & I are learning new ideas and skills for dealing with our defiant, drug-using teen. We realize that we have been part of the problem, by not recognizing all the ways we were enabling our son as he pursued a self-destructive and risky path. A couple times each month, Brad and I join together with Dylan and his counselor for family counseling sessions, as we begin to prepare for our son’s eventual release from the program. We know that when Dylan returns home, that we will continue to have strong help and support from his probation officer and therapist, which will be crucial as we begin the real work of rebuilding our family. We recognize that we have a long and difficult road ahead of us, but knowing that we have so much support in our journey is reassuring.
We are no longer helpless and alone. We have an army of supporters at our side, and the power of prayers from our family and friends. We are hopeful – and determined – that we will find the strength to meet each new challenge.
~ Hope is the companion of power, and mother of success; for who so hopes strongly has within him the gift of miracles. ~ Samuel Smiles
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Here are some excerpts from Regina Brett’s “45 life lessons and 5 to grow on”, published in the Cleveland Plain Dealer in 2007. These life lessons are good reminders about taking care of ourselves and keeping a positive attitude about life.
