Role-plays from 2-7-09 Part-Three. "Mom, you're a fake!"

As I mentioned in Part-One and in Part-Two the role-plays we did in group were designed to heighten awareness. Therefore, when I played each teenager I was not trying to say what I thought they might say. I was trying to say what I thought the Teen would say if he were being brutally honest. The next one is an 17 year-old teen in placement. Actually, in this role-play, the teen might say a lot of this to the Mom. It fits the description of "brutally honest" but in this case, she might say a lot of it openly to her mother and not just be thinking it.

Teen: Mom, you can fool all of these people but you don't fool me.
Mom: Oh.
Teen: You act so different now that you're trying to impress my PO and the staff here, but I know you; you're just faking.

Mom: I'm trying to change.
Teen: You won't change. When I finally get home, you'll see- you won't act all perfect parent when it's just you and me- and for that matter, why don't you just stop fronting right now? You'll never change and you know it.
Mom: Things are going to be different when...
Teen: [Interrupting] Oh sure, sure, you'll be this super-tough bitch when I get home? Ha ha. You couldn't control me before and you won't be able to control me later either. And all this stuff you're learning in your "group"? Oh please, don't make me sick- I know you're going to be just every bit as easy for me to manipulate as ever- you know why?
Mom: Why is that?
Teen: I'm smarter than you. Way smarter than you and you know it. Mom: We'll see.
Teen: Oh don't worry Mom, I still love you, ridiculous as you are trying to impress my PO with how tuff-love you are. Just do me a favor OK?
Mom: What?
Teen: I get it that you have to pretend to be this other parent when my PO and my counselor are around, but when it's just you and me? Please let's don't pretend. Just be yourself. There's nothing wrong with just being yourself.
Mom: I'm trying to change!
Teen: YOU don't have to change. I have to change and I am. There's nothing wrong with you. You talk to much maybe, but they want you to think that it's your fault I'm an addict. It's not your fault- you are alright as a Mom; you love me and you try to help me- you know, you bring me stuff that I need in here. Stuff that I can't get for myself. And I like that. I love you for looking out for me. I depend on you Mom. I need you to be yourself. Please! Be the Mom I need and love, not the stupid fake Mom they want you to be. They're trying to brainwash you! Hello! I can see right through their little plans. They aren't so smart. You should be able to see right though them too.

Of course it's one thing to heighten awareness but what should a parent follow-up with? Well the first business order is to admit the truth, if any, of what your teen is saying. Second, similarly but somewhat different, is to accept that your teen actually believes the things he is saying, even when it is not the truth.

The tendency for denial is strong in parenting in general (Not my child!) and especially strong when Chemical Dependency strikes a family. Even though we may no longer deny that our child has a problem we may continue to deny the extent of the changes that this disease has caused in our teenager. So, the first order of business is just to take a couple of deep breaths and admit that your situation is formidable, not hopeless by a long shot, but formidable.

Next, it's time for some verbal Jujitsu.



Jujutsu (柔術, jūjutsu^?) listen (help·info), literally meaning the "art of softness", or "way of yielding" is a collective name for Japanese martial art styles including unarmed and armed techniques. Jujutsu evolved among the samurai of feudal Japan as a method for defeating an armed and armored opponent without weapons. Due to the ineffectiveness of striking against an armored opponent, the most efficient methods for neutralizing an enemy took the form of pins, joint locks, and throws. These techniques were developed around the principle of using an attacker's energy against him, rather than directly opposing it.

For example, in the last case scenario with the 17 year-old girl in placement. The mother does not have to be defensive. There is much to agree with the girl about. In fact, what the girl is saying is this: "I see that you are changing, it's hard to change, don't change, you can't change."

Mom: You know, you are right about a lot of this.
Teen: I know I'm right. You bet your ass I'm right, Mom how many other times have you tried to change who you are?
Mom: Yes, and it is very hard to change.
Teen: You can't. You really just want them to think you're this great parent.
Mom: Yes, I need their support. Your Probation Officer and your counselor are helping me.
Teen: Some help! With help from them we don't need enemies.
Mom: Another thing you said is important too. It's one thing for me to try to change while you're in here, but it's going to be my biggest challenge to not go back to my enabling role with you once you're released from here. I'm going to need a lot of help.
Teen: Stop talking that way. I told you! Your just a fake! That's not really who you are.
Mom: Yes, as I go through this, sometimes it feels like I'm a fake.
Teen: Well stop it.
Mom: When you first make changes, it doesn't feel real at first. Like I said, change is hard.
Teen: Just stop being a fake. I like the way you were before.
Mom: Well, yes, I'm sure you liked me before and nothing has changed about how much I love you. That part will never change.
Teen: I love you too Mom. It's so hard for me in here.
Mom: Oh honey, it's hard for me to see you in here.
Teen: Get me out of here! I've learned my lesson.
Mom: I know you've learned a lot already.
Teen: Then do it.
Mom: No
Teen: Oh you make me so mad.
Mom: Yes, I know I make you mad. And as I learn how not to enable you, you're going to be feeling that.