Quote of the Week


"If I cannot do great things, I can do small things in a great way" ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.



A Younger Sister's View of Addiction
Posted by:Brigitte--Wednesday, April 03, 2013


I want to share a short story my daughter Kitt wrote for her high school Literature class. The assignment was to write a short story based on the book The Catcher In The Rye. The guidelines were that the story could be fictional or as real as you like. The only criteria was that it must be written in the voice of the character Holden. Kitt's story is very real, and provides a glimpse into how siblings are affected when one of them is a drug addict. Many of the posts on this blog are written by parents, but  I think you might find this post written by a 17 year old insightful.

I redacted and gave pseudo-names to keep things anonymous. Many of you know my story, and some have met Kitt and my family. Kitt and I both agree that Herman provides great inspiration for writing material. Who knows? Maybe a book is in the making.
 
Jessica

 

 

My Goddarn Screw Up Brother

I don't remember much, but Toontown used to be such a vibrant place. I would walk down the narrow roads looking in all the store windows. Such gorgeous streets and gorgeous windows. They were decorated with twinkling lights and flowers that you could smell without sticking your face in them. The fall was the best time to roam around. They had this jazz festival that added the perfect touch of velvetiness to the crisp air. I swear, you could hear those guitars no matter where you were in town. I didn’t mind it that much. It was sorta relaxing. Listening to the solid bass keep time for the guitars as they improvised. These guys just did whatever felt right at that moment. They did what they wanted and stole the show while the bassist kept to the same old beat. I would hear people say, "Wow, that guy can really play" and I always knew it was about the guitarist. Never the bassist. That always bothered me. He was the one that kept everythingtogether anyway.


It wasn’t until 2004 that things started to go downhill for the town. Hurricane Ivan grabbed it by its neck and shook it to the point that the town is now unrecognizable. The flood destroyed all the potential greatness Toontown had in one night. My dad had a newly remodeled dental office down there. New walls, new floors, new everything. Ivan barged in and decimated the office. Ivan didn't play favorites, he knocked down all thriving businesses and families. Toontown is now a ghost town infested with drug dealers. Those goddarn drug dealers.

Herman lives there now. I find that funny. I don't know why, but it is. We drive down there sometimes and drive past his apartment. It's a dainty, three-story building with red bricks and white windowpanes. His apartment has a window that faces the street. I like it. Right before you reach his place you have to drive down this long road. I wouldn't mind it, but there isn't much to see. Just broken down houses and old businesses filled with people just trying to get by in their lives. As we approach his building, my mom always says, "I wonder if we can see Herman through the window." I don't get why she thinks he'll be there. He never stands by the window. Ever. If he does, it's to water his already dead plant. That bothers me. That he keeps the plant, that is. It's such an eye sore. I don’t know why he doesn't just buy a new one, but I guess I'll never understand. The thing is that's what makes Herman so frustrating. His reasons behind his actions never make sense. Probably not even to himself. He just does what he pleases and doesn’t give a darn about anyone else. He wasn't always like that. I remember when I was little I use to think he was the coolest person ever. God, you should have known him. He killed me. His mannerisms would make about anyone smile and laugh. He was a chubby, brown hair, red Kool-aid mustache kid. You'd liked him. We would play this game. We called it "Rescue Babies". My sister and I were probably four years-old, making my younger brother about three and Herman six. I would sit on a bed with my sister and brother and we would be hugging each other singing "Kumbaya". We pretend the bed was our wrecked ship. Herman would be laying underneath the bed, swimming in the made up ocean. The game was always the same. We would be singing, Herman shakes the bed, and we would scream. Herman would grab one of us and drag up into the "water". The order was always the same, too. First Katt, then Rick. I would be stranded on the bed alone. It probably doesn't sound all that fun, but it was for us. Herman was the ringleader of all the best games. God, I wish you knew him. He was the one of the funniest kids you would ever meet. Teachers would always say he was never a student, but they still liked him anyway. That Herman is gone now, though. I'm not quite sure where he went, but I doubt he would be coming back anytime soon.

Anyway, it's Sunday, so I know what to expect for the day. "Kitt, Herman is coming over. Help me clean up a little," my mom says. I don't exactly mind helping. I like cleaning. If you want to know the truth, I just don't understand why we have to clean for him. He doesn't want to be here. Well, he does, but for the wrong reasons. I don’t blame my mom for wanting a clean house. It's good to have at least something nice while he's here. It wasn't long until we could hear his bass blasting from his 2002 Buick. He looks pretty stupid in that car, if you asked me. Take this typical old person car and imagine seeing a nineteen year-old blaring rap from it. It just doesn't look right. I watch him as he pulls into the driveway and opens his door. As he steps out, I can see a few bottles roll out and on to the ground. I don't want to know what was in the bottles and I don't care. He walks to the door with his electric cigarette hanging out of his mouth and rings the doorbell as if that's what he's suppose to do. The only people who stayed downstairs for him were me, my parents, and my dog who won't stop barking. She usually only barks at strangers. She usually does it to protect us. The funny thing is that she knows Herman. She used to love him so much we would say Herman was her boyfriend. Recently, though, she's been acting like an angry ex- that is still bitter about the break up. Nonstop yelling.

"You look good, Herman" my mom said. We all know though that he doesn't, but it's the only thing to say to a person like Herman without fearing the response. He walks into the livingroom as if he still owns the place and turns on the TV. Next thing I know, he turns to me

"Turn the Wii on. I want to watch Netflix." I turn to him and he coyly says,"Please." I could have smacked him right then. I was watching my favorite show.

"Sure. What are we watching?" (I really want to throw this Wii remote square in his eye.)

"I want to watch Jackass. My friend said I remind him of one of the guys." He laughed. His laugh just makes me angry. Not because it's annoying, but because it's the pot head laugh. A mixture of a monotone "huh" and the typical "ha". If you ever have the displeasure of talking to a pot head, you'll know what I mean. Herman's friends have that laugh, too. They're all such phonies. None of them even like each other.

"Kitt, give me the remote!" I didn't realized I was still holding it. I tossed it over, but I missed. I was shaking too much. I pick it up and hand it to him. "Here." I avoided eye contact with him the best I could. I knew if I looked that I would risk seeing them red and glassy. I don’t think I could handle that. We watch Jackass and I can hear my parents in the kitchen.

"Roger, do you think he's high right now?"

"I don't know. Maybe hung-over."

"Go check," my mom, her neck begins to become beat red. I feel bad for her. I know she's worked up and there is nothing I can do to make it better. Her own son turned into her worst nightmare right before her eyes. That drives me darn near crazy. I think of what I would do if I ever had a son like him. Makes me darn near crazy. I know my mom did everything possible to help him and has given him so many chances, yet he still refuses to follow any type of rule. I just want him to leave. I would take the honor of kicking him out of this house myself. I keep picturing me grabbing him by the shoulders and shaking him. I would say, "What are you doing with your life? Just look what you have done." But I know I wouldn’t have the guts to do it. So I just sit here, teeth clenched and palms sweaty. I look over at Herman and he's asleep. I watch him and imagine how peaceful he would look in his coffin. It's a depressing to picture, but I know if he continues what he's doing, I'll need to be prepared.

I guess wasn't really paying attention for awhile because I heard yelling. It was Herman. I don't want to hear it, but I know I have to stay. I have to. "Herman, please calm down. It was just a simple question," my mom said. "This wasn't meant to be an argument."

"F" you, guys," Herman snaps as he stands up. That hit me right in the gut. I know it wasn't directed towards me, but it still stings. I couldn't help but feel hurt. I wanted to say something, but my father stepped in for me. "Herman. Sit down. Now. Don't you ever speak to anyone, especially your mother, like that."

"You guys effing suck." I hate when he says that. "I'm glad I'm out of here. I can't wait until I develop Alzheimer's. I don't wanna remember any of you." Does he even realize how ridiculous he sounds? Next thing I know, the door slams. He left and I can breathe again.

I stand in the living room by myself. He has to realize what he does to us. His siblings no longer want to spend time with him. He has to know they're all starting to hate him in the order of our "Rescue Babies" game. First Katt, then Rick. Not me though. I don't think I hate him. I hate what he does and what he will do, but not him. Sometimes, before I go to bed, I pray that he gets arrested. Maybe he needs to hit rock bottom. But I guess the thing is, he hit bottom awhile ago. I thought that would change him. But he is still continues down the same path. I could feel the tears starting to cloud up my eyes. I try to wipe them away, but I felt someone grab my hand. "It's okay, Kitt. We'll be okay."

 Living with and addict is like being in quick sand. If you ever been stuck in an end-less cycle like this, you'll know what I mean.


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22 Things Happy People Do Differently
Posted by:Brigitte--Monday, April 01, 2013

















Submitted by Kathie T (original internet source unknown)


There are two types of people in the world: those who choose to be happy, and those who choose to be unhappy. Contrary to popular belief, happiness doesn't come from fame, fortune, other people, or material possessions. Rather, it comes from within. The richest person in the world could be miserable while a homeless person could be right outside, walking around with a spring in every step. Happy people are happy because they make themselves happy. They maintain a positive outlook on life and remain at peace with themselves.

The question is: how do they do that? It's quite simple. Happy people have good habits that enhance their lives. They do things differently. Ask any happy person, and they will tell you that they:
 
1. Don't hold grudges
Happy people understand that it's better to forgive and forget than to let their negative feelings crowd out their positive feelings. Holding a grudge has a lot of detrimental effects on your wellbeing, including increased depression, anxiety, and stress. Why let anyone who has wronged you have power over you? If you let go of all your grudges, you'll gain a clear conscience and enough energy to enjoy the good things in life.
 

2. Treat everyone with kindness
Did you know that it has been scientifically proven that being kind makes you happier? Every time you perform a selfless act, your brain produces serotonin, a hormone that eases tension and lifts your spirits. Not only that, but treating people with love, dignity, and respect also allows you to build stronger relationships.
 
3. See problems as challenges
The word "problem" is never part of a happy person's vocabulary. A problem is viewed as a drawback, a struggle, or an unstable situation while a challenge is viewed as something positive like an opportunity, a task, or a dare. Whenever you face an obstacle, try looking at it as a challenge.
 
4. Express gratitude for what they already have
There's a popular saying that goes something like this: "The happiest people don't have the best of everything; they just make the best of everything they have." You will have a deeper sense of contentment if you count your blessings instead of yearning for what you don't have.
 
5. Dream big
People who get into the habit of dreaming big are more likely to accomplish their goals than those who don't. If you dare to dream big, your mind will put itself in a focused and positive state.
 
6. Don't sweat the small stuff
Happy people ask themselves, "Will this problem matter a year from now?" They understand that life's too short to get worked up over trivial situations. Letting things roll off your back will definitely put you at ease to enjoy the more important things in life.
 
7. Speak well of others
Being nice feels better than being mean. As fun as gossiping is, it usually leaves you feeling guilty and resentful. Saying nice things about other people encourages you to think positive, non-judgmental thoughts.
 
8. Never make excuses
Benjamin Franklin once said, "He that is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else." Happy people don't make excuses or blame others for their own failures in life. Instead, they own up to their mistakes and, by doing so, they proactively try to change for the better.
 
9. Get absorbed into the present
Happy people don't dwell on the past or worry about the future. They savor the present. They let themselves get immersed in whatever they're doing at the moment. Stop and smell the roses.
 
10. Wake up at the same time every morning
Have you noticed that a lot of successful people tend to be early risers? Waking up at the same time every morning stabilizes your circadian rhythm, increases productivity, and puts you in a calm and centered state.
 
11. Avoid social comparison
Everyone works at his own pace, so why compare yourself to others? If you think you're better than someone else, you gain an unhealthy sense of superiority. If you think someone else is better than you, you end up feeling bad about yourself. You'll be happier if you focus on your own progress and praise others on theirs.
 
12. Choose friends wisely
Misery loves company. That's why it's important to surround yourself with optimistic people who will encourage you to achieve your goals. The more positive energy you have around you, the better you will feel about yourself.
 
13. Never seek approval from others
Happy people don't care what others think of them. They follow their own hearts without letting naysayers discourage them. They understand that it's impossible to please everyone. Listen to what people have to say, but never seek anyone's approval but your own.
 
14. Take the time to listen
Talk less; listen more. Listening keeps your mind open to others' wisdoms and outlooks on the world. The more intensely you listen, the quieter your mind gets, and the more content you feel.
 
15. Nurture social relationships
A lonely person is a miserable person. Happy people understand how important it is to have strong, healthy relationships. Always take the time to see and talk to your family, friends, or significant other.
 
16. Meditate
Meditating silences your mind and helps you find inner peace. You don't have to be a zen master to pull it off. Happy people know how to silence their minds anywhere and anytime they need to calm their nerves.
 
17. Eat well
Junk food makes you sluggish, and it's difficult to be happy when you're in that kind of state. Everything you eat directly affects your body's ability to produce hormones, which will dictate your moods, energy, and mental focus. Be sure to eat foods that will keep your mind and body in good shape. 
 
18. Exercise
Studies have shown that exercise raises happiness levels just as much as Zoloft does. Exercising also boosts your Self Improvement and gives you a higher sense of self-accomplishment.
 
19. Live minimally
Happy people rarely keep clutter around the house because they know that extra belongings weigh them down and make them feel overwhelmed and stressed out. Some studies have concluded that Europeans are a lot happier than Americans are, which is interesting because they live in smaller homes, drive simpler cars, and own fewer items.
 
20. Tell the truth
Lying stresses you out, corrodes your Self Improvement, and makes you unlikeable. The truth will set you free. Being honest improves your mental health and builds others' trust in you. Always be truthful, and never apologize for it. 
 
21. Establish personal control
Happy people have the ability to choose their own destinies. They don't let others tell them how they should live their lives. Being in complete control of one's own life brings positive feelings and a great sense of self-worth.
 
22. Accept what cannot be changed
Once you accept the fact that life is not fair, you'll be more at peace with yourself. Instead of obsessing over how unfair life is, just focus on what you can control and change it for the better.


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Family Fun
Posted by:Jenn--Monday, April 01, 2013


Looking for ways to have more fun with your family?  
Here are some ideas...   
  

1) Plan an adventure together- having a game plan for fun ensures special excursions and activities don't get put off for 'someday'.
 
2) Turn your home into a fun zone - making room for games, creativity and plain old hanging out can make a house a home.
 
3) Celebrate the little things - look for excuses to add a dose of happiness to otherwise ordinary weeks.

4) Narrow the gap between playing and learning - make time for curiosity and exploration.

 5) Fill their lives with sweet surprises- kids thrive on routines, but it's often the unexpected joys that they truly treasure. 

 6) Find the silver lining- use a look-on-the-bright-side mind frame to banish disappointment and turn it into delight. 
 
7) Make work and chores feel like play - tackle household chores with a party spirit-- If it's gotta get done, let's make it fun!

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Words of Encouragement - by Daisy
Posted by:Jenn--Sunday, March 31, 2013


I don't normally post things but I just wanted to maybe offer a little encouragement to anyone struggling with not being sure what to do to help their child. 

Three years ago I attended my first PSST meeting.  I listened to the parents of kids who got involved in the juvenile court system on their own and also to parents who pressed charges against their kids in an effort to get them help.  I remember thinking I could never be the one to press charges against my son--I loved him far too much to do that.   

After several months of the downward spiral my son was on, I decided pressing charges and getting the help of the courts was my only hope--I loved him too much to do nothing.  

After three placements and a lot of tears and a lot of prayers, we are in a good place today.  Peace has replaced all the chaos in our home and I am enjoying every minute of it.  

I am sharing this conversation with my son yesterday to reassure every parent that deep down our kids appreciate the help we are trying to give them. 

My son:  Mom, you are really a great parent, I  couldn't ask for a better mother than you.

Me:   Thanks.  Why  do you say that?  

My son:   Because after everything I had done and how much I hurt you, you still loved me enough to help me. 
 
Daisy

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Life After Rehab
Posted by:Jenn--Friday, March 15, 2013

Take Care of Yourself After Your Teen Returns from Rehab ~ by Roxie
The whole family has been awaiting this wonderful next chapter in Lenny’s 17-year-old life as he comes home to live with the family permanently. We were so excited, anxious with anticipation of his long over-due presence in our otherwise boring household. We are very proud of his clean journey, thus far. Yet, Lenny has a way of livening things up while returning to his own room / man-cave.
“You bull******* the counselor by never using the talking rules at home. You’re a liar,” he stated, after I vehemently tried to persuade him to attend an NA meeting close to home. “We can attend one five minutes away in three hours instead of going to the one 45 minutes away in 15 minutes,” I rationalized. “I have plans tonight,” he said. “This sucks. I don’t have money for ice skating - drop me off to put in job applications – I’m hungry – buy me face wash – go get dressed to take me to the meeting, and hurry up,” he demanded.


I retreated to my bedroom again, similar to what I did when he was living at home before. I did not cry, though. What did I expect? Love stiflingly thick in the air, the smell of cookies in the oven while Lenny offers to clean up the kitchen after the dough rose. My happy home is Lenny’s handy home – roof, food, bathroom, clothes, internet-connected X-box, laptop, Facebook, webcam, cable in three rooms with a big screen TV. Quite handy for someone who left our home with nothing, and moved back with expensive tennis shoes and high-end placement clothes purchased at fashionable Plato’s Closet.

It should have been my special time of growth while Lenny was gone. I mentally matured, but I feel that now will be a major time in my life for change. I think I hit bottom while Lenny was away, chugging my own sorrow until I became chock-full of emotional up-chuck. I am more confident now, taking charge over issues with Lenny, and coming into my own.

I promise to support Lenny physically, spiritually, financially, and emotionally. I will be at every school meeting to encourage his 12th grade graduation. He will obtain free rides to meetings from me, three to seven days a week. Cooking, cleaning, and attempting to converse with a quiet voice will be a forceful, deliberate part of my day. It ain’t easy. In order to take care of Lenny, Roxie has to take care of herself. Consequently, I need to engage in the following activities to stay empowered while Lenny is at home:

1.     Attend a Parent Support Group meeting such as PSST. A treasure trove of knowledge is within each parent that attends meetings, especially PSST (Parents Survival Skills Training). When Lenny was in placement, the meetings provided information for me on how to deal with him being away. Now, my ears are attentive for advice on what to do since he has returned home. The key is to give and gain support in a group setting while maintaining your own sanity through talking with others.

2.     Find something you love and just do it! Whether it is working out at the gym or taking time to read a great novel, find an activity that makes you feel good about yourself. It will bring out the best in you, and keep your mind from wandering to negative, unpleasant thoughts of ‘what if’ scenarios. As soon as those thoughts begin, turn the treadmill up to the 20 mph steep hill climb, or begin to speed read; depending upon the activity. Let your imagination take you to a happy place.

3.     Share your thoughts with a close friend. The last few years could have made you feel like you have lost your mind. Don’t fret, you did. Find a friend to confirm that your feelings are normal. If that person loves you, they will never steer you in the wrong direction. Do not be embarrassed to seek validation.

4.     Determine it is OK to make mistakes. No one is perfect, including my dysfunctional family as we attempt to change. Make those heart-felt raising-your-child blunders, admit them privately or within the family, and move on. Do not wallow in parental guilt.

The above list sounds so selfish, like a “me, me, me” statement; making myself an idol. As parents of addicts, we need to become selfish in order to help our children. If we fall apart, who is going to be there when and if they crumble? We are saving their lives by taking care of ourselves.

The way I perceive Lenny conditions my behavior towards him; with the decisions eventually affecting Lenny. I resolve to build our family’s hopes, accomplishments, and dreams for his future. I purposely consider him in recovery, in his right mind, with him choosing the correct path for a worthwhile, meaningful life.

I have a strategy to strengthen Lenny outwardly and within. He will accompany me to the gym so we can both become empowered, purposely fortified, and confident in our life’s journey together. I will take him to an NA meeting afterward. He may even be the speaker, based on the assertiveness and courage garnered at the gym with his mom, Roxie.

            “The harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph. What we obtain too cheap, we esteem too lightly; it is dearness only that gives everything its value. I love the man that can smile in trouble, that can gather strength from distress and grow.”       ~   Thomas Paine

 

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Sharing The Load
Posted by:Brigitte--Monday, March 11, 2013

Submitted by June Cleaver
A young man went to apply for a managerial position in a big company. He passed the initial interview, and now would meet the director for the final interview. The director discovered from his CV that the youth's academic achievements were excellent. He asked, "Did you obtain any scholarships in school?" The youth answered "No". "Who paid for your school fees?" "My father passed away when I was one year old; my mother paid for my school fees." he replied. "Where did your mother work?" "My mother worked as clothes cleaner."

The director requested the youth to show his hands. The youth showed a pair of hands that were smooth and perfect. "Have you ever helped your mother wash the clothes before?" "Never, my mother always wanted me to study and read more books. Besides, my mother can wash clothes faster than me." The director said, "I have a request. When you go home today, go and clean your mother's hands, and then see me tomorrow morning."

The youth felt that his chance of landing the job was high. When he went back home, he asked his mother to let him clean her hands. His mother felt strange, happy but with mixed feelings, she showed her hands to her son. The youth cleaned his mother's hands slowly. His tear fell as he did that. It was the first time he noticed that his mother's hands were so wrinkled, and there were so many bruises in her hands. Some bruises were so painful that his mother winced when he touched it. This was the first time the youth realized that it was this pair of hands that washed the clothes every day to enable him to pay the school fees. The bruises in the mother's hands were the price that the mother had to pay for his education, his school activities and his future. After cleaning his mother hands, the youth quietly washed all the remaining clothes for his mother. That night, mother and son talked for a very long time.
Next morning, the youth went to the director's office. The Director noticed the tears in the youth's eyes, when he asked: "Can you tell me what have you done and learned yesterday in your house?" The youth answered," I cleaned my mother's hand, and also finished cleaning all the remaining clothes. I know now what appreciation is. Without my mother, I would not be who I am today. By helping my mother, only now do I realize how difficult and tough it is to get something done on your own. And I have come to appreciate the importance and value of helping one's family."

The director said, "This is what I am looking for in a manager. I want to recruit a person who can appreciate the help of others, a person who knows the sufferings of others to get things done, and a person who would not put money as his only goal in life. You are hired."

This young person worked very hard, and received the respect of his subordinates. Every employee worked diligently and worked as a team. The company's performance improved tremendously.

A child, who has been protected and habitually given whatever he wanted, would develop an "entitlement mentality" and would always put himself first. He would be ignorant of his parent's efforts. When he starts work, he assumes that every person must listen to him, and when he becomes a manager, he would never know the sufferings of his employees and would always blame others. For this kind of people, who may be good academically, they may be successful for a while, but eventually they would not feel a sense of achievement. They will grumble and be full of hatred and fight for more. If we are this kind of protective parents, are we really showing love or are we destroying our children instead?

You can let your child live in a big house, eat a good meal, learn piano, watch on a big screen TV. But when you are cutting grass, please let them experience it. After a meal, let them wash their plates and bowls together with their brothers and sisters. It is not because you do not have money to hire a maid, but it is because you want to love them in a right way. You want them to understand, no matter how rich their parents are, one day their hair will grow gray, same as the mother of that young person. The most important thing is your child learns how to appreciate the effort and experience the difficulty and learns the ability to work with others to get things done.

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Congratulations to our favorite new P.O.!!
Posted by:Jenn--Thursday, March 07, 2013

It's official - Justin is now a probation officer!  Here are a couple photos from the special day:



Swearing-in ceremony 
on March 1, 2013







Justin, Kelly, and adorable Rania
celebrate the special occasion 


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Nightmares & Revelations - by Roxie
Posted by:Jenn--Monday, February 18, 2013

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

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PUC (just for fun)
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Sunday, February 17, 2013

This is an excerpt from Prairie Home Companion that aired 2-16-13. Click read more to listen. Turn your volume up.






Click here to listen to audio.

Prairie Home Companion Link

Click To hear segment five (that includes the PUC story) from the original page (better audio) with opportunity to donate to Prairie Home Companion. (set counter to 101:50)

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Is One Child's Behavior Ruining It for Everyone?
Posted by:Brigitte--Thursday, February 07, 2013


The following article addresses the effects of oppositional behavior on families and contains many useful PSSTisms often used in our role plays.
I think Number 4 was written for me; I tend to lecture until my kids are nearly comatose.
 
 
by Kim Abraham LMSW and Marney Studaker-Cordner LMSW
 
How many times has this gone through your head? Your “difficult” child—the defiant one who’s constantly acting out and upsetting everyone—has just done it again. Maybe he’s called his little sister a foul name, smashed your favorite framed family photo, or screamed in your face. In a moment of defeat, you think, “What if there’s no hope? What if he’s just a ‘bad seed’—the bad apple of the family?”





While many parents have “gone there” at one point or another, understand that this really is a false statement, because all children are inherently born good. They come out innocent, but simply have different personalities. At times, it can appear that everything your child is doing is negative: his attitude, the way he treats you and others, and the way he handles his problems. That’s when those negative thoughts get stuck in our heads. As parents, these thoughts can get us into trouble because we can unconsciously begin to reinforce, through our own behavior, the idea that our child is a bad person. But that’s not the case. Remember, it’s not your child who “turns bad,” it’s his behavior that is inappropriate.
If your child was born with a moody or impulsive temperament, and a tendency to take risks, he has characteristics that lead him down paths that are more difficult than other kids might take. Know that when you have a child who’s impulsive, who is a risk-taker, who gets bored and frustrated very easily, he has a lot of work ahead of him. He will simply need more practice and help in learning how to problem solve and cope when things don’t go his way or when he’s bored.

What motivates kids to misbehave, act out and be defiant?
Power and control
Revenge: “You hurt me; I’m going to hurt you.”
Attention
They’ve given up: “I just want to give up and be lazy. I don’t want to do homework. I don’t want to do chores.”
They want you to give up: “Please stop caring if I’m going to be successful. I’m going to wear you down so you’ll stop giving me consequences and holding me accountable.”

We understand how hard it can be to parent all your kids when one of them seems to influence the others to misbehave, tries to grab the power from you and take control all the time, or simply makes everyone in the family miserable with their behavior. It does not have to be that way.

6 WAYS TO LEVEL THE PLAYING FIELD
1. Don’t make an example of your child. Don’t ever make an example of a child by saying things like, “Don’t ever act like your sister!” Along the same vein, don’t ask your defiant kid, “Why can’t you be more like your brother?” Avoid those comparisons and any of these types of comments altogether. Comparisons only breed discontent. After all, your child can’t turn himself inside out and be his sibling; it’s not fair to ask it of him and will only make him feel frustrated and hopeless. Instead, build on each child’s good qualities individually.
2. “It’s not fair!” Prevent trouble by maintaining the mindset that rules are established for everyone, and no one is exempt. With defiant kids, it’s often hard to set limits and give consequences, because they react so strongly and try to wear you down by negotiating, screaming, or refusing to comply. As a result, some parents will give up and stop trying, which will cause the other kids to say, “That’s not fair! Why doesn’t Michael get his phone taken away when he stays out past curfew?” Just remember, the limits should be the same for everyone. You may find that you’re spending more time responding to and enforcing limits with that acting out or ODD kid, especially at first. But rules are for everyone and no one is exempt. Make it real simple on yourself.

The reason for doing this is simple: If you give your defiant child exemptions to the rules and consequences, you will perpetuate the myth that they are entitled and that they are unique and above the law—and that’s exactly what criminals believe. Don’t stop setting those limits and holding them accountable. It’s very, very important to let your child know that rules and boundaries pertain to everyone.

3. Parroting bad behavior. Another reason to stay the course with your acting-out child? If your other kids see she’s getting away with breaking all the rules, sometimes they will start copying. Here’s the bottom line: There should never be motivation for a sibling to copy another sibling’s bad behavior. Period. If there is motivation, then you really need to take a good look at that and figure out why.

Here’s an example: Let’s say there’s a thief in your town that robs a bank, gets caught and goes to jail. Others hear about it and say, “I’m not going to try that.” They know if they get caught, they’re going to go to jail. Now let’s say the bank robber got away with it. The police caught him, but they let him off and said, “We don’t know where you hid the money so we give up.” Some people might be tempted to go rob the same bank if it was that easy, right? There’s no consequence and he got away with all that money. The same goes for your kids. So there should be no motivation for any sibling to want to copy bad behavior.

If you’re doing your job as a parent and your child is given a consequence, your other kids look at that and say, “Every time my brother misbehaves he loses all his privileges to the electronics in the house. I don’t want that to happen to me.”

4. Keep it short. When giving your child a consequence, be swift, consistent, and use as few words as possible. One of the things that we try to tell parents is “Do less talk and do more action.” We use the police as an example: If you get pulled over for speeding, how many words does he say to you? Usually three: “License and registration.”

What would you do if he stood there and gave you a half hour lecture? Would you respect him? Would you even really listen? Would you care what he was saying? Chances are you wouldn’t want to hear what he had to say, you would not respect him, and you’d want to get away from him. The only thing that means anything to you is the fact that you were delivered an action—the consequence of the ticket. That is how your child feels about you. Just deliver the consequence the way a police officer would a ticket.

Will your child say, “Okay, you caught me—you’re right. Sorry.” Probably not! We also remind parents about what we as adults do when a policeman stops us. We make excuses, we lie, we pretend like we didn’t know we were speeding, we cry, we negotiate. We do all this ourselves, yet we get mad at our kids when they do it with us—but remember, it’s human nature. Just be businesslike and objective, and deliver that ticket. This gives you that detachment and objectivity that you really need, because otherwise you can get sucked into the arguments or the excuses.

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Relapse Is Always An Option
Posted by:Brigitte--Tuesday, February 05, 2013














Written by Ralph

It has been a while since I have written an article for the PSST blog. As things settle down, it is easier for the parents of our teens to cope, and for me I haven't needed to express my feelings in a story. However, I wanted to write about an issue for some of the parents that are over the hump, but still living with on-going survival. Jessica Rabbit's recent story about Herman coming home for a couple hours of advice reminded me of this and Ed's relapse last summer.

Understand that Ed and Alice and I are in a much better place now than before. Ed seems to be reliving some of the mid-teen years that he missed. He works on his recovery, but in his own way and with people his own age. (We can't want it more than he does!) Of course, he does this within the bounds of our contract, which is very specialized and tough on specific areas. Life is going smoothly at the Kramden home thanks to recovery and PSST.

Ed doesn't want to be a drug user or use alcohol, but his experience tells his mind that he does and he still fights that all the time. You wouldn't know that to see him, nor does he talk about it, but it's still there.




 
But that's why relapse is still a dark knight, flying over our children, wanting them to go back to the old ways. The Bible/Torah book of Proverbs (Proverbs 26:11) graphically warns that foolish people will return to their folly. It is no different for our teens who are battling former substance abuse.
 
Late last spring, Ed was doing great at following our rules and being accountable. He was also asking for more freedom, and we assumed, more responsibility. Alice and I agreed to give him a lot more rope. He had earned it, we believed. A family friend also found Ed a summer job making good wages. It required much more independence on Ed's part. Needless to say, you have probably heard the story at a PSST meeting of how his summer ended -- it didn't end well, and it was only July. Ed ended up skipping work, hanging out with old and bad friends while telling us he was at work, drinking alcohol, and finally "running away" again. I call it running away, but it was really being a county away from where he said he was, after being fired from the job for not showing up. It was a great opportunity to let the dark knight in.
As is bound to happen, Alice and I found out about this when one of his old friends left his car on the road dead and the police called to have it removed. Ed was once again hiding in Weedville, and it only took me about 20 minutes to find where he was hiding. For two or three more days, he hid and then ran from us when we approached him to discuss coming home. Alice and I were much more angry than frightened. We had experience with Ed running before.
On Sunday morning, when Ed knew we would be in church, he came back. To his credit, he didn't break in when he found all the doors locked. Our neighbor, who had been clued in that Ed was on the lamb again, called at the end of church services and we rushed home to have a talk with him. He admitted that he had relapsed on alcohol, but had not done any drugs. He saw this as a good thing, and Alice and I were PSST enough to not argue about it. His relapse was real, but his recovery had kept him from the worst possible outcomes and brought him home very humble. It also helped a lot that Alice and I had run through the scenarios of his return for the last two days and knew our bottom lines and consequences. We discussed our thoughts with Ed calmly, outside on the back porch. My body language told him that we weren't going in to the house and neither was he, in a kind and gently fashion, until the actions and feelings were talked out or at least put on the table for future discussion. After an hour or so, with Alice getting us lemonades and sandwiches at one point, Ed was put on parental house arrest, but welcomed home.
House arrest isn't fun for anyone, though, and it drove Alice up the wall -- when the teen can't leave the house without a parent or relative, then the parents don't have much freedom either. We had to adjust schedules and Alice and Ed were both going stir crazy. But, we didn't give in, and didn't want to get caught giving a consequence that we couldn't live with. Alice and I were putting on our strong fronts, no matter how crazy we felt. Ed knew that he had to earn trust again, so even though he didn't like it, he was accepting of it all. Eventually, Ed earned enough trust back to leave the house on his own again and then made it to his adult contract at 18.

Now to the moral of this story: Relapse often does happen and can happen even when a teen is being good and has lots of clean time. Ed had over two years of clean time when he relapsed. He still likes to count his clean time from his drug use dates, but I'll give him this: Ed now has a clean date and a sober date -- the sober date is just much newer. Your son or daughter will probably relapse, too, so be calm and be prepared, and most of all, be really, really PSST!

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