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Quote of the Week
"If I cannot do great things, I can do small things in a great way" ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.
 Invisible Mother
It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be taken to the store. Inside I'm thinking, 'Can't you see I'm on the phone?'
Obviously not; no one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all. I'm invisible. The invisible Mum. Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more! Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this??
Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock to ask, 'What time is it?' I'm a satellite guide to answer, 'What number is the Disney Channel?' I'm a car to order, 'Right around 5:30, please.' Some days I'm a crystal ball; 'Where's my other sock?, Where's my phone?, What's for dinner?'
I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history, music and literature - but now, they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She's going, she's going, she's gone!
One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England. She had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when she turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, 'I brought you this.' It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe. I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription: 'With admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.'
In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work: 1) No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names. 2) These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished. 3) They made great sacrifices and expected no credit. 4) The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.
A story of legend in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, 'Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof, No one will ever see it.' And the workman replied, 'Because God sees.'
I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, 'I see you. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does. No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, no Cub Scout meeting, no last minute errand is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become.'
I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on. The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.
When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, 'My Mum gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for 3 hours and presses all the linens for the table.' That would mean I'd built a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, he'd say, 'You're gonna love it there...'
As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible mothers.
Thank you to all the Mums who are looking down and smiling at the cathedrals they helped to build. And to all the wonderful mothers out there - God bless and keep you. Happy Mother's Day!
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Sad News
Posted by:Jenn--Thursday, April 26, 2012
It saddens me to tell you that Kathie T just lost her mother today. Our deepest sympathies and heartfelt prayers go out to Kathie & her family. Kathie has been there for so many of us – through some of the most difficult times in our lives – so it’s not surprising that she holds such a special place in our hearts. For anyone who wishes to join the PSST family in expressing our condolences, please click here to send an email with your interest and/or your suggestions. Click on "Read More" for funeral home information.
Marion Weber arrangements:
Rusiewicz Funeral Home
1400 Fifth Avenue
Arnold, PA 15068
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Thanks to Wilma for submitting this article!
Teens Getting Drunk on Hand Sanitizer
Teens have found a new way to become intoxicated, using a commonly found household product – hand sanitizer. While a bottle of vodka is 80-proof, liquid hand sanitizer is 120-proof. This issue has public health officials worried, as a few squirts of hand sanitizer could equal a couple of shots of hard liquor. Doctors say that ingesting hand sanitizer can produce the same side effects as consuming large amounts of alcohol – slurred speech, unresponsiveness, possibly falling into a coma state. Long-term use could lead to brain, liver and kidney damage. For the full article, click here.
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We have attended a few of your meetings in the past, I need to get back to them to know that I am not alone…
My story began two years ago- my son started using marijuana. Then the troubles began……
He started stealing from our house, stealing from his siblings-on to stealing from Greentree pool, locker room at school.-You know the story….
We have been through Ridgeview, Gateway Aliquippa in patient, Gateway Outpatient, Mercy Behavioral, WPIC program, Abraxas DNA in Erie….
THe had just got out of Abraxas on February 14th- We truly thought he was “fixed” – he was getting good grades, participated in the program fully with good marks. We saw such an improvement, even my fiancé thought this time was it!
He went back to Keystone Oaks- AWESOME grades, lots of Bravo emails from Teachers and principals.
He fails a test- positive for Marijuana- okay- we can deal with this. The outpatient team at Gateway and his PO said he could have a chance since he was doing so good.
A few weeks later he takes my car- gets a GPS ankle bracelet on 4/3 thru vision quest.
4/4 comes- he seems okay- another bravo call from vice principal.
I am cooking dinner, as it is done I go to tell him its done, he is NOT in his room. As I am coming down the steps the phone is ringing it is Vision Quest- My son is shown to be on Saw Mill Run Blvd- HE TOOK MY CAR AGAIN.
He cut the bracelet off and thru out the window.
Our search begins- (mind you, I just had surgery too) Our car now reported stolen, he is only 15.
After we get home we notice our safe is gone- it has my fiancés gun in it. He is a retired Nacotics officer(yes, what a coincidence )
Along with our laptop.
We had searched and searched for a week and a half every sighting that someone would call us about – we ended up there too late.
My oldest son got a call he was at burger king- he ran up there- held his brother, called me- I called 911- He kicked him and ran.
We are off again….
A few days later we get a call from Pittsburgh Police that our car was found near PNC park- and was towed
Come to find out the engine is blown!
Well two more days go by – I get a call at 2am from Baldwin Police- they have him.
HOWEVER – he has now stolen a truck of a person that went into a convenient store and left vehicle running. He also wrecked the truck into another vehicle and was caught with his friend at eat n park where they walked on the check.
He told Baldwin officers where he sold the gun- to a not so good kid! The police recovered the gun AMEN!
My son had court last week – verdict postponed until May 15th when the final charges come thru from Baldwin.
I am hearing that he may get sent to Abraxas LDP for 8 months and his drivers license could be suspended for 6 years!
Do you have any advice? I feel like a failure. The PO and Judge of course have tried to re assure us that we have done everything we can. We have been so involved in his recovery however I guess you just feel like something is missing as a parent.
He is the sweetest kid, I am almost thinking there is just something mentally wrong with him.
He does have ADD/ADHD- His father was an addict- he passed away 2 years ago. He was my son's hero of course… K-
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FDA Hears Testimony About Making an Overdose Antidote Nonprescription
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Today's Agenda
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Monday, April 16, 2012
 Julie and Alicia finish Internship. Surprise announcement. Val Ketter stopping by.
Kathie's Wesley Spectrum Team was named Allegheny County program of the year! And of course it was extra nice cause Val was back!!!!! More information will be forthcoming soon.
 Today we had a cake for Kathie's team and recognized Kathie and Justin. Jocelyn couldn't make it today. Kathie also teams with Chris, Ray and Jerome.
It doesn't always come easy for therapists to let other therapists have input into their cases; however, the team approach, some call it triage, is an idea whose time has come. Kathie is a pioneer for this new approach and we believe that therapists that agree to allow Kathie to have input will benefit in the long run. And of course, it's really all about the benefit that the client will realize.
Now it's official: Juvenile Probation like's Kathie's team approach so much that Kathie and all her team is recognized as "Program of the Year." Congratulations to Kathie's team for a job well done.
Julie ran the meeting. Both Julie (Juvenile Probation Intern) and Alicia (Wesley Spectrum: "Kathie's Team") are finishing their internships. Both will be missed very much. I worked more closely with Julie but I noticed Alicia attending a lot of PSST and always willing to take on assignments. We wish them both good luck in their careers.
Type rest of the post here
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PSST All-time Hits List
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Monday, April 16, 2012
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| These links don't work but the ones on the right do. |
For a while, our Most Popular Posts for last 7 days is changed to PSST all-time hit's list. These are our ten most visited posts ever. If you wish to link to any visit our strip on the right where we usually post the last seven days most popular.
Even though featuring the All-time hit's list is temporary, I was thinking of changing it to Most popular last 30 days. As you might have guessed, that's our three choices: last seven, last 30, or All-time. Let us know what you think.
If there are any of the all time hits that you haven't read, now's an easy time to catch a link!
Congratulations to Rocco for posting the most popular post! K2! And still, this issue is of growing importance. By the way, did we tell you that Juvenile Probation can now test for K2, and there are tests out there that parents can buy?
And then Max, way to go with the Wexford Recap. What it is about that recap that has brought in 2, 314 page views?
It's very well-written, it's informative and it's entertaining. And yet, we have other "recaps" some written by Max and some by Rocco that are also well-written, informative and entertaining. I read it over and I must say there's a bit of a mystery on this one. How wonderful that even on the internet, or maybe especially on the internet, you can still find mystery!
Wilma, there is quite an interest in your Nature verse Nurture also. It's a short post but very well-written. And I quite agree that you probably could not have prevented this. I think that could be said for non-adoptive parents as well.
I'm not surprised that Mary Chalburg's post was widely read. Mary was much loved and admired by people everywhere.
All in all, one thing that the All-time Hits List really hits home is the point that our little blog reaches a lot of people. Let's all give ourselves a hand. Our group of parents have provided the material and our group of parents have promoted our blog. It's an accomplishment in which we can be proud. And the nice thing too is that it sort of has a life of it's own.
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Today (Monday) we were back in court for Bam Bam's review hearing. Well, if he would have followed the rules of his consent decree he would have been OFF probation today and not even had to appear. However, with Bam Bam nothing ever goes the "usual" way.
Since our last update we have been on a wild roller coaster ride – one with all the loops and dips! Bam had gotten off EHM on February 24th and was back on by March 2nd! As you all know from the last post he worked REALLY hard to get back on. So for two weeks Bam was doing o.k., then on March 16th . . . FREEDOM!!! He played it cool that Friday and came home on time for curfew. The next day he went job hunting with his Wesley Spectrum therapist and – miracle of miracles – had a job interview scheduled for the next day.
However, life in Bedrock doesn't stay rosy for too long. That night, St. Patty's Day, Bam came home past his court appointed curfew. I told him I wanted to alcohol test him but he refused. At some point during the night (watch out anybody with a weak stomach, as this is GROSS) Bam vomited both in his bed and between his bed and the wall. He did get up the next day to go to his interview and got the job! However, he did not clean up the mess in his room and I refused. I did however alcohol test the vomit and it tested positive for alcohol. Fred took him to the interview and then dropped him off somewhere afterwards, so Bam did not get home until about 9 p.m. The two of them cleaned up the disgusting mess!
Another week goes by with more curfew infractions. Bam was going to have a weekend sanction at Shuman, but got a break so that he could go to work at his new job. Bam has been diligently going to work (supposedly) and then the weekend rolls around again. He tells us he is working all weekend. Saturday Fred drops him off at a local market so Bam's friend can pick him up and drive him to work. Later that evening he texts me – can I pick him up at 11, as he is working longer to make some extra cash. Of course I'll pick him up on my way home, I'm not going to interfere with him making some much needed cash! I'm driving to pick him up and he calls to tell me he has a ride home, hmm, suspicious, so I keep on going to see if he really comes out of the store. Well, about ten minutes later my sister calls to ask if I knew Bam was at HER house a good 35-40 minutes away, and there is no way Bam will make it home before curfew. I ask who he is with and it's his latest good friend, an older kid I strongly suspect is a drug dealer. She tells me my brother-in law found a water bottle that smelled like alcohol and the odor of weed around this kid's car. Bam comes home late, his friend dropping him off away from the house so he wouldn't have to confront me.
The next day Bam is too sick to go to community service, so he blows it off. The next week is filled with more consent decree infractions – missing school, breaking curfew and TESTING POSITIVE FOR WEED. Almost everyday he is "too sick" for school but just fine for hanging out with friends, having to work on "projects" for school and, of course, work. This time he is definitely going to Shuman for a weekend retreat – a wise person once said they always get another chance! Thursday rolls around and Bam is too sick for school, so I offer to take him to the doctor or ER but he refused. I inform probation and am told he has to go to the doctor or he will be going before his judge! Well that got him moving, and I get him to go to the doctor where he is told since he is too sick for school, he shouldn't be doing anything else. And no note for school, which I really was o.k. with, as for years I'm always working on getting the notes for excused absences for school. Meanwhile, Fred is also sick. I actually thought he might be having a heart attack, but he refused to go to the doctor so I just had to pray it was just a virus. I couldn't take much more!
Bam says he just has to go to work. I refuse to take him, so he leaves the house on foot and says his "friend" will take him to work. About an hour later he texts me that he is off at 6, his friend Bob is picking him up, and then he is going out to eat. During these last two weeks, Fred has been giving Bam money for his dinner breaks at work. Nothing has been adding up about this job, so I decide to stake out the store. Well, 6 o'clock rolls around with no Bam Bam sighting. I go into the store and try to see if I can see his name on a schedule in the restricted employee area. Fortunately, I wasn't busted while doing my recon, but I came up empty. When I was leaving a man asked if I needed help, so I decided to just ask if Bam had worked that day. WELL, Bam had called off (or came in person, I wasn't sure which). This guy then asks if I'm o.k. because the week before Bam had called off because one of his parents was in the hospital!! Nobody was in the hospital! I learn that Bam Bam has not worked a single minute at this place. He has not gone through any orientation or training. This gentleman was on the fence about whether or not to give him another chance, as here is this kid calling off before he has even earned one penny, and what would happen if he was truly scheduled to work a register! I was furious! For two weeks he had been telling us, his p.o., and service providers that he's been working. How ingenious – the perfect cover to hide whatever he was really up to.
 Later I stopped at the local market to see if his friend who supposedly took him to work was working, and was going to ask if he had taken Bam to work earlier. Well, this kid isn't working so I leave. I'm getting in my car and lo and behold there is Bam sitting in the passenger seat of the car parked next to mine. The look on his face was priceless – guilt and surprise! He thought I was at home! I went over and asked him if he wanted to go home with me – no, of course. His good friend Eddie (of the social hosting house) was slinking in the back seat. Since I didn't know the driver, I took the liberty of getting his license plate in case I needed it for future reference. Little did I know I'd need it the next day.
Friday rolls around and Bam is just fine to go to school. This is the day he is going on his weekend retreat at Shuman, so he is going early if he doesn't go to school, after school or after his school activity. What he doesn't know is that, because of the continued shenanigans, he is having a detention hearing Monday morning. Of course I get a phone call that he needs money brought to school for dinner when his team is coming back to school later, so I graciously take $10 to school. Well, a little after 2:30 I get a call from the coach that Bam is not on the activity bus. I go home and he didn't come home on the school bus so he is MIA. What else could I do but call the cops! While the local police are at the house taking down information and running the license plate I got the night before, Bam Bam calls asking for a ride at 7:00 when he gets back to the school!! Fred hands the phone to the cop, who lets Bam know we all know he is not where he says he is, and if he doesn't get home in a half hour they will have to start going to his friend's houses looking for him, and that if they have to take him to Shuman he will be there a lot longer! I guess it made an impact on Bam because he was home within the half hour, smelling like weed with the overpowering smell of cigarette smoke. Fred and I take him to Shuman without further incident. We visited twice and on the first visit I confronted him about the job. He said he had to lie so he could get money from his dad. Fortunately on Monday he was detained until his hearing today.
And now, today. The hearing went the way we thought it would go. Bam's judge does not like to send kids to placement and his PD is a tigress working at getting this kid off! Probation recommended a new day/evening program that includes 24/7 gps monitoring, ACT 53 closed, and the judge accepted the program recommendation. ACT 53 made a statement that Bam needs long-term placement. I made the same statement, also saying that I am fearful for his life as he is mixing his 6 prescription meds with the illegal stuff. His P.O. gave the judge a very good detailed account of the last few months. What surprised me was the judge saying he feels Bam most likely needs placement, BUT he wants to give him a chance to finish school, so he went with the new program. The judge was really irritable with Bam and actually testy through the whole proceeding. Bam's PD made sure to get in the record that Bam is accepted to college and planning to go. I was happy that ACT 53 and I were able to get our views into the record also. I don't think it helped Bam's case that he had been detained at Shuman for over a week, but it helped us.
Bam is being sprung from Shuman tomorrow by the new program and we all will meet at their location tomorrow. He has to stay for awhile for programming and then we pick him up, so he will be home tomorrow night.
 This is it for Bam. If he is unsuccessful in this program, he is going to go to placement. And his judge is on board with this, which was a huge development today.
Now we will see if Bam begins to take responsibility for his actions and can make this work for himself.
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This true story complete with interviews of the prime players highlights the importance of hereditary factors. This is a compelling story of interest to everyone but perhaps with special importance for parents of adoptive families.
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 This has been a particularly painful week for our family.
After a prolonged series of outbursts, threats, shoving, and verbal abuse that led to 4 CACTIS visits, school interventions, psych. evaluations, wrap around services, and finally, a police visit, Francois and I made a decision. We decided to have our yougest son, Serge, age 14, admitted to a local psychiatric hospital. We don't know how long he will be there or if he will need further treatment at a DAS program. All we know right now is that things feel very, very dark. On Saturday, we will go to visit Serge and from there we will visit Pierre, our oldest son, who is in placement for drugs.
This is not the kind of family life any of us ever imagine when we are holding our babies and envisioning their future. And yet, here we are, facing some of the most difficult decisions we could imagine. We ask for your prayers, thoughts, advice, whatever. We hope we can find the wisdom to make the right decisions for our boys and the strength to help see them through. Then we need to stand back up, brush ourselves off, and keep going.
Brigitte
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Muddy water, let stand, becomes clear.
--Lao-tzu
A group of friends went swimming one day and one of them lost a ring in the bottom of the lake.
Everyone started diving from different directions to find it until there was so much mud and sand stirred up that no one could see anything. Finally, they decided to clear the water. They waited silently on the edge of the shore for the mud from all their activity to settle. When it finally cleared, one person dove in slowly and picked up the ring.
When we are confused about something in our lives, we will often hear answers and advice from all directions. Our friends will tell us one thing and our families another, until we feel pretty well mixed up. If we look away from our problem and let patience and time do their work, the mud inside us will settle and clear. Our answer will become visible, like the glimmer of silver in the water.
Am I overlooking the simple solution?
You are reading from the book Today's Gift (Daily Meditations for Families) by Anonymous. This is the book from which thousands enjoy a Thought for the Day each day on Hazelden's homepage.
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 The Rabbit family has finally seen the light and crossed over to the other side. No, we did not die, but quite the opposite, we decided to resume living our lives. On Monday, Roger and I, despite having a few more months of probation left, requested that Herman's case be officially closed . Yes, we his parents requested that Herman be cut free from probation earlier, and face real life with real consequences. It was the next logical step as far as a treatment modality.
Herman has been playing a game of cops and robbers with us since he started smoking spice in October 2010. Although I am embarrassed to say, I did take pride in becoming somewhat of an expert in catching him, however I realized that this game would go on indefinitely with no real winners, only losers. Spice, his current drug of choice, is extremely dangerous, as well as difficult and somewhat expensive to urine screen. It has a 72 hour window, with a constantly growing list of new cannaboid metabolites that cannot be tested for at present. Plus at $7.50 per test, I was looking at a minimum of $15 per week to screen him, along with the tedious work in researching the various tests to keep current with the new JW metabolites as they surface. He has yet to truly test positive for it, or at least so in a court worthy way.
Our marriage and family, (we actually do have four other children, a son 19, twin daughters 16, and a son 15), was really neglected and hurting from the 5 1/2 years of living this chaotic life with Herman. He is 18,and will be 19 in a little more than 5 months. By every standard, we have done all that we could do for him. Also, as I have come to realize, probation itself can eventually become a form of enabling. Herman was on probation for 18 months, a consent decree for 1 year, and actual probation for 6 months. Only 4 months of that probation, split up into two separate 2 month intervals, 2 years apart, was spent living outside of a placement.
I learned very early on that Herman needed to feel the "heat". In the beginning, the stays at Shuman and the various placements were indicated at the time. But as in running, if you continue to run the same course with out changing anything, your body becomes complacent and adjusts to the routine. It becomes easy, unless you challenge yourself. The end result is being in the state of stagnation or a plateau in your fitness level. This principle can also be applied to Herman. The foundation for recovery has been laid through all the various Shuman stays and placements over the past 3 1/2 years, but at this juncture, these placements are no longer productive and could be classified as the easy route. I believe that we are presently at the point of diminishing returns as far as Shuman, and any future placements. Herman is at a plateau of sorts. It's time for a change in the routine, in order to challenge Herman to move on to the next level and feel some heat. This means showing him the way out of our home to live his life independently, without the support of probation, and deal with the world from which we have been protecting him.
It was funny how this whole thing evolved, because asking Lloyd and his mighty team to cut Herman free was inconceivable to us as little as two weeks ago. But as we PSST parents know, a lot can happen in two weeks. To refresh your memory, Herman has had a plethora of treatment since 2009, probably earning enough hours to get his PhD in rehab (not recovery). He had been gone from our home for 1 year (3 consecutive placements), and returned home on 1/12/2012. We knew that relapse was very, very, likely, but wanted to give Herman a shot at living in our home with controls in place. Within 3 hours of being home, the first reveal (actually we never believed him from the start) was that he had no intentions on working a recovery program. That started the whole "Balloonatic" period, because we felt living with a non-recovering Herman was like we were living with a huge Macy's parade balloon. He admitted to relapsing on spice within the first 13 days at home, and spent a weekend in Shuman. Herman has since retracted all of his admissions of spice use, which was another reason for us to stop playing this game with him and move on to the next phase.
Our top notch PO, Lloyd, tested Herman last week for spice. His test was a S-L-O-W negative, whose line was almost invisible. Although not court worthy, it was categorized as an "informal" positive. I decided to take matters into my own hands, and ordered my own "value pack" of K2 Spice Dip Screens, the exact type that probation uses. For $187.50, I had 25 chances to bust Herman. I was not thinking much beyond that, just that I wanted to catch him. On St. Patrick's Day, my plain brown parcel arrived. My trusty Labrador Retriever, Shuman, lived up to her title and retrieved it first, although she partially chewed up the box in the process. Thankfully the tests remained intact. So after this rough start, I decided to get a baseline as to how a true negative really reacts, and test myself. My negative line was almost immediate, and although lighter than the control, was significantly darker and more intact than Herman's phantom test line. In my mind the suspicions of him smoking spice were confirmed.
We tested Herman later that night, due to more suspicion, and once again, his test was a very slow, very faint negative. We feel he has been using intermittently since getting home in January. It was then that Herman, Roger and I had our own epiphanies. Herman was livid that I had the audacity to surprise him with my own spice test, and had not one, but twenty four of them! He knew I was on a mission to bust him, and it was only a matter of time. Roger and I also realized that I was possibly very close to getting a court worthy positive test and or spice evidence, and then what ? Another stay at Shuman, and yet another placement, or 3/4 house? We knew that was not the answer, but something we had hoped we would never have to do, asking Herman to leave, was the correct answer. Herman then asked me the next day, to get him off of probation, because "he was done". He could no longer stand living in our home with all of my testing and delusional suspicions, especially since he was doing nothing wrong. He wanted me to "stop clinging" to the hope of him working any recovery program. Herman said he wanted to move out, live on the streets, sell drugs, whatever it takes to make it and be on his own. I think I surprised him 24 hours later on Monday, when I told him he was off probation, and he now needs to vacate the premises in 30 days.
Herman was shocked and befuddled, saying he was being a bit "rash" in previously saying that he wanted to leave immediately, he "thought he would have more time on probation". It was priceless, because now he thinks I've really gone crazy, and I believe that is always a good way to keep someone on their toes. He was confused, since I fought so long to get and keep probation, and went to all those crazy PSST meetings... and then this?? It was too much for him to wrap his head around immediately. Now that he sees we are dead serious, Herman is stepping it up. We have given him 30 days notice to leave. He wants to sign up for the military, and since he has a GED, he needs 9 more college level courses to be eligible to officially sign. Roger and I are still in discussion about letting him stay until July to get the 9 credits to enlist in the Marines, if not Herman said he will live in a cheap motel. If Herman decides on the Army Reserves, he will be required to sign a lease in 30 days. The home contract is still in effect, and I still have 23 more K2 tests, plus about 24 THC tests on hand. Herman could also be kicked out before the 30 days is up. If so, he still has his in home D&A therapist to aid him in obtaining assistance, and a new place to live. I will then donate my leftover tests to the newly established PSST "Herman Spice Testing Scholarship", for any parent to use on their child.
Even though we could not get him to buy into recovery, we were able to prepare Herman for life by helping him begin to develop an appreciation for the value of hard work and delayed gratification. We require him to work at least 32-36 hours per week (2 part time jobs) and earn 16 credits (6 of which are college level), while living free of charge in our home. We forced him to hand over all his paychecks, and the result is that he has a nice chunk of money saved. He also learned budgeting and how to use the Quicken money management computer program. Herman is doing well in his college courses so far also. Plus with all of treatment he was exposed to, he could probably run his own group if he ever gets clean.
So far, he has talked to an Army recruiter, but they are no longer taking anyone into active duty. The reserves are his only option, and they called and said that they want him. Herman decided that working 3 jobs ( he is counting the reserves as 1 job, since they require 7 hours per week) to make ends meet is not what he wants .Therefore, he does not want to live in his own apartment This surprised me because just the other day he told his D&A in home therapist and me, that the only reason why he wants his own apartment is to be able to drink and smoke weed. Today he spoke on the phone with a Marine recruiter, and was told a sergeant would call our home soon. Herman wants the structure, financial benefits, and lack of financial responsibility for daily living expenses of the Marines. He said if he is going to be treated like crap, he might as well get paid adequately for it. He said he wants to leave for for boot camp as soon as possible. I told Herman that a dishonorable discharge from the military is not the same as an FTA from a placement, it was lifetime negative consequence. Both his D&A counselor and I feel that this could be a real possibility, and told him so. Herman said this would never happen. I found it also interesting when he said that all of his placements, which exiled him from his friends, plus the boot camp like quality of his last placement, compounded with our "martial law" state at home helped pave the way for his decision to join the military. Herman said he is definitely enlisting, saying if the Marines do not want him, the Army Reserves do. Funny, but five years ago, I would have never thought of the military as a way to keep anyone safe, but I am encouraging Herman to enlist. In my mind it is the best shot that he has at this point.
When I look back, I see things through very different eyes than I did at my first PSST meeting back in 2010. Back then, I thought of PSST as standing for Pushing.Someone Swiftly into Treatment. Now I know it is much more than that, although the swift treatment was definitely necessary. Roger and I would have buried Herman at the rate he was spiraling downwards. The placements, if anything, got Herman out of our home, giving our family some respite. Through the 13 months of placements, we know he was clean for 7 of them. Although not consecutive, it was still a feat he was never able to sustain before. Most importantly, Roger and I made some very wonderful friends at PSST, and learned some extremely valuable, tried and true, Survival Skills.
So there you have it so far. Herman still needs to enlist, or get a lease on an apartment, so this story is far from over. One thing is for sure, I know that we would have never been able to get this far in our journey without all of you walking along with us.
Lloyd, Kathy, Val and Jocelyn, you are true gems. I still plan on keeping you as "favorites" in my cell phone, just as a reminder of all the people who are always rooting for us as we continue in our journey. You taught Roger and me well, and we are very grateful for all that you have done.
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 At a recent office meeting I was talking with one our therapists about kids and sons in particular. She has three grown sons and shared this Mark Twain quote with me:
On the topic of raising teenagers, Mark Twain advised, “When a boy turns 13, put him in a barrel and feed him through a knot hole. When he turns 16, plug up the hole.”
I know many of us feel this way with our addicted teens! If we could just put them in a barrel maybe until they are in their twenties when hopefully they will have finally "gotten it" and then turn them loose in the world. Wilma
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It doesn't feel genuine.
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Wednesday, March 14, 2012
I met with a PSST couple yesterday. We practised the "Agree with One or Two Things First" technique. The mother offered the best reason why more parents don't adopt this technique.
"I want to be genuine. This doesn't feel genuine."
That's right. This approach will not feel genuine. In fact, let's face it- it feels phony. I don't have a good response for that one.
Any approach that is new will feel phony. The only thing that is going to feel genuine is the same old approach. Add to that the fact that the " Agree with One or Two Things First " technique purposely leaves some things out of the conversation until later; then of course, it is going to feel phony.
Keep these two things in mind:
1. Keep to your boundaries. Don't mislead, don't over-agree. Just agree with a "slice" of what your teenager is saying and don't offer too much agreement if it would take you outside of your comfort zone.
For example, if he is pressuring you about letting him get a license and he is excited that he is turning 16, agree that being 16 is a BIG deal. Agree that driving is really fun. Agree if you believe it, that he will eventually become a good driver
If you're not sure about that last one, then don't offer it. Be careful however not to agree that he should get his license as soon as possible because unless you agree with that, it's not only phony but it's misleading and deceitful.
2. When you are pressured to give an answer- give one. That is the perfect time to not pull any punches. If you stick to your boundaries, what could be more genuine?
Teen: So, you're saying that I can get my license as soon as want to and that you'll help me get it?
Mom: Well, I'm not comfortable saying that.
Teen: Well that's what you just said!
Mom: I did?
Teen: Yeah, you said you were excited that I'm going to be 16 and you even said you think I'll be a good driver someday.
Mom: Right, I said that, you are correct.
Teen: So, that means you'll help me get a license right away, right?
Mom: Yes, I see you're point and it's a good one- if I'm agreeing with you that driving is fun, that you'll probably be a good driver, and that's it really big deal that you're turning 16 then why wouldn't I want you to get a license right away?
Teen: Yeah.
Mom: I'm sorry. I think I misled you. But I'm really happy that you are bringing this up so we can talk about it. I think it's important for me to be clear with you about this.
Teen: ok? So? what? Tell me already?
Mom: I have a little problem with this part.
Teen: What?
Mom: You're not going to like my answer because it's not the answer that you are looking for and we know that it's a big challenge for you to hear an answer that you don't like. Huge challenge especially because this driving thing is going to be so important for you.
Teen: I knew it. You were just lying! You'll never let me get a license no matter what I do. There's no sense in us talking about this anymore.
Mom: Yeah, this is going to be a tough one for you. Let's talk about it later- good idea.
Teen: I already know what you're going to say anyway.
Mom: Yes, I've noticed that.
Teen: Noticed what?
Mom: You're very good at predicting what your dad and I are going to say about things. You know us really well and even when we don't want to come right out and say something, maybe because we fear that it will upset you- you still do an excellent job of "reading" us.
Teen: See, I knew you wouldn't want me to drive right away when I turned 16.
Mom: You're right.- You probably know exactly why we feel that way too, I bet none of our reasons would surprise you.
In summary try to think of the "not genuine" issue as being more an issue of timing. You're just giving him the same information while you continue to agree with a lot of the stuff that he is saying- but your boundary is that you are Not Comfortable with him getting a license as soon as he turns 16 and that does not change.
3. Buy some time for yourself. You don't have to know exactly what to say as soon as your teen pressures you.
Teen: So, I can get my license and start driving as soon as I turn 16, right?
Mom: Wow! Good question. I'm not sure what to say about that one.
Teen: What does that mean?
Mom: Well, you just surprised with that question, that's all.
Teen: Why? You know I'm going to be 16 soon?
Mom: I wasn't even thinking about that- I mean with you being in placement the last ten months, and soon you're going to be transferring to a halfway house, I just didn't even think that was an issue at the top of the list.
Teen: Well, it is for me.
Mom: Yeah, well I see that now.
Teen: I think it would be good for me too.
Mom: How's that?
Teen: Well, if I have something to look forward to like driving my own car,I could probably behave better and, you know, I could stay off drugs better if thought you'd take my car off me if I used.
Mom: Oh, so what you're saying is that if you had your own car and license and all that you think that would be the answer to a lot of the troubles we've been having?
Teen: Yep. So can I?
Mom: Oh I really don't know about all that, but what you say is interesting and I have to tell you son, I have never looked at it that way before.
Teen: What do you mean?
Mom: Well, I've only thought of you driving as another problem-area; I've never ever thought of you having a car as a solution.
Teen: So, I can do it then, right?
Mom: You want an answer right now on that?
Teen: Yeah.
Mom: Just like that?
Teen: Just like that. I'm tired of having to wait all the time for answers.
Mom: It's true. It's seems like most of the time all the adults in your life are saying, "I'll get back to you on that one." That's got to be frustrating.
Teen: It is. So, just tell me already.
Mom: OK, well [moving in closer and lowing her voice.] As much as I like your courage for even suggesting that you driving a car right away could be an answer to our problems, I'd have to say it would be a cold day in hell before we ran out, bought you a car, and helped you get a license." Ok? That straight up enough for you?
Teen: Why not? Give me one good reason?
Mom: Ok. But you are so good at reading us you probably know what I'm going to say.
Teen: You're going to say I have to prove that i'm responsible first before you trust me with all that responsibility of driving a car.
Mom: Wow!
Teen: Wow what?
Mom: You just said it better than I could. Nice going. You just surprised me again!
Teen: I'm not stupid.
Mom: No, I completely agree Son; for all things you might be, stupid is NOT one of them.
Note: all this started because Mom said, "I'm not sure what to say." It's OK to not know what to say all the time and while we parents feel that way a lot, we rarely say it to our teenagers. Now, ask yourself, what could be more genuine? Also, it's a paradoxical thing that as soon as you say, "I'm not sure what to say about that" a response starts forming in your brain and soon you have lots to say about that!
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Invisible Mother
