"...I have a tendency to talk too much; which turns my daughter off.
But that night, I vowed I would keep my mouth shut, not judge her, criticize her, or inject my comments. Only when she asked for my opinion did I give it to her. I just listened."
click the READ MORE link to read the rest of this mother's story.
LISTENING
My daughter has been an addict since she was 13. She’s been in recovery now for 9 months, living away from home and doing very well.
One evening after not hearing from her for a while, she phoned me. She had been going through some tough times and wanted to come home and stay overnight. She wanted me to hold her and watch a move like the old times. So I picked her up and brought her home.
That night she talked, we cried, we laughed, and I held her. It was like giving birth to her all over again. I hadn’t felt so much pleasure with her in a long, long time.
I have a tendency to talk too much; which turns my daughter off. But that night, I vowed I would keep my mouth shut, not judge her, criticize her, or inject my comments. Only when she asked for my opinion did I give it to her. I just listened.
Sometimes listening can be more powerful than anything. It’s surprising how much better I got to know and understand my daughter. The gap that was beginning to form between us had gone away. BECAUSE I LISTENED.
It was a learning experience for me. There are times when it’s necessary to listen. That night was one of those times. Listening was the best help I could have given her.
LISTENING
Posted by:Ken Sutton--Sunday, November 30, 2008
Sayings that Help
Posted by:Ken Sutton--Sunday, November 30, 2008
We learn a lot in the PSST meetings. Often, some of the key ideas get distilled into a sentence that makes complete sense in its conciseness and clarity. For example:
“Holding resentment is like taking poison and hoping the other person dies.”
Sometimes, outside of the PSST meetings, you may come upon a grain of wisdom that you are sure was about dealing with addiction, but in fact it is just a universal truth that applies. Some of my favorites:
“Actions don't spring from thoughts but from readiness for responsibility.”
-Deitrich Bonhoffer
“Appeasers believe that if you keep on throwing steaks to a tiger, the tiger will become a vegetarian.”
-Heywood Broun
OK. Time for you to get involved. Share the sayings that mean the most to you, that have been helpful, that turned on the light, that helped you “get it”. Share the one you cling to, the one that shows you due North in this struggle. Share it if someone else wrote or said it or if you thought it up. It doesn’t matter. It may help a parent in the group now or someone who reads this blog 10 years from now. Leave a comment or send an email and I will post it.
Ken wins Meritorious Service Award for Whole State of Pennsylvania!
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Friday, November 21, 2008
Ken was honored on November 6,2008 at the Juvenile Court Jdges' Commission and PA. Council of Chief Juvenile Probation Officers Annual Awards Program with the Meritorious Service Award.
Both Ken and his wife Debbie have been tirelessly involved in efforts to help their teenager with drug addiction. This nomination focuses on Ken because of his volunteer efforts to help other parents, such as:
(1) Become a leader in Parent Survival Skills Training, attending Saturday morning meetings weekly for several years.
(2) Started and continues to edit the PSST blog, which carries helpful information from diverse sources. (www.gopsst.org.)
(3) Almost single-handedly started the North Hills chapter of PSST.
Ken also gives out his personal phone number to parents and makes himself available for phone calls and even home visits to distraught parents. When Ken gives advice it comes from the heart, because he knows the pain of having a loved one continually struggle with this life threatening disease of addiction.
Ken deserves recognition because of his work with his daughter but also because of his selfless volunteer work to help other parents in their struggles.
Read More......
Parent of the Year Award 2008
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Thursday, October 23, 2008
Contratulations to Beth and Erv who were chosen Allegheny Parents of the Year!
First, they had a big challenge with their son. They endured lots of difficulties as they struggle to help their son turn the corner from his poor choices that led him down a path of trouble. Secondly, they changed a lot of what they did and worked with PSST and treatment therapists to make those changes. Third, through it all they supported each other and presented a unified front to their son. And last but not least both of these parents reached out to help others. We saw it over and over again as they attended PSST, performed role-plays, led by example, and even participated in Coffee House Nation events (our positive peer group for youth sponsored by Juvenile Court) by not only being there for the teens but also by bringing hot dogs beverages and such for our Steeler Game event. Congratulations to Beth and Erv and thanks from all of us at Juvenile Court for your contribution.
Picture from left to right in the back row: James Rieland, Director of Allegheny County Probation; Judge Flaherty; Judge Woodruff; Anthony Madison #37 Pittsburgh Steelers; Judge Clark; Judge McVay; Judge Mulligan.
Good article on relapse issues
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Sunday, October 12, 2008
Val found this article. It is well written and full of wisdom. Click here to read be sent to the article.
The problem for us in PSST is not always that we don't see the signs- it's what do we do about them?
This Saturday, Oct 4th is a very special meeting!
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Wednesday, October 01, 2008
First, it's the second try at "bring your teen with you to PSST." Second, we are trying to help Laura Condos with her evalution of PSST and we are inviting parents that we have not seen for a while to come back and let us know if they feel that the whole PSST experience was worthwhile.
There will be a chance for everyone to meet with Laura, fill out the evaluation form (also available on this website- see post below) and also briefly interview with Laura. Any help either by coming in to see us or filling out the survey online is appreciated.
Please help us to evaluate PSST!
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Sunday, September 28, 2008
Our Masters Level Student Intern, Laura Condos, is working on an evaluative instrument. You can either fill this out on paper or you can follow the link below to fill it out. Also, Laura will be at the next meeting on October 4th at the Eastern District Probation Office to help distribute evaluations and to interview parents. Thanks for your support.
Please read:
The link below will take you to a survey that is intended to gather
information about your experiences at the PSST group. Your answers to all of
these questions will remain confidential.
I, Laura Condos, am currently conducting an evaluative research project
concerning the implementation of the PSST group. My intent is to examine
your overall satisfaction with the group as well as elicit some suggestions
that you may have for group improvement or recruitment of additional group
participants.
The survey should take approximately 10 to 15 minutes to complete. Please
answer the questions to the best of your ability and completely as possible.
Your participation is very much appreciated.
Thanks so much,
Laura
http://www.surveymonkey.com/s.
<http://www.surveymonkey.com/
take survey
Update on all the happenings at PSST.
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Monday, September 08, 2008
We had five teens and eight parents attend the experimental Teens and Parents meeting at Eastern District Probation on 9-6-08. It was the first time that people could put a face on some of the stories that we have been hearing about these fantastic teens.
All we did for the first half hour was ask teens how they managed to get thier clean time. Three of the five Teens had a year clean, one had ten months, and one is struggling to put some clean time together but even he had a great attitude as he was waiting for a bed to open at the Tom Rudder House. As for the parents they gave abbreviated updates. At about 9:30 AM the teens left with Kathy Tagmyer from Westley Spectrum to participate in a Teen Forum, and then we manged to get the real updates from the parents after they left.
We also had Laura, our Juvenile Probation Intern in attendance. She is working on a Master Degree in Social Work. As part of her internship with us, which is through December, she will be creating an evaluative component to PSST. As to that she requests that as many parents as possible attend the meeting on October 4th so that she can pass out questioniares and perhaps have mini meetings with parents. So please pass the word around that we need parents including veteran parents to attend on Oct 4th or at least to call in and tell how best that Laura can reach them.
However, one small problem at this point is that neither Val nor I can attend the 9-20-08 meeting at Eastern. Laura can not attend either. So, we are looking for another Probation Officer or somebody to lead our meeting that day. Please let us know if you have any ideas. Kathy Tagmyer has said that she is available, but she would be working with the teens on the first and third Saturday mornings. Therfore, we still need someone to open and run our parent meeting. Or we could cancel. Or we could ask Kathy to work with the parents on 9-20-08 and just not bring the teens in that day. What does everyone think? Leave a comment and check back to this blog for more information about just what we will do with the 9-20-08 meeting.
Read More......
When a relapse occurs
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Wednesday, August 13, 2008
What do we say? For example, you have just given your teen a urine screen and he fails it. What strategy to employ?
There are two primary tasks to accomplish. First, give your teen a chance to admit that he has relapsed. If he admits it- give him credit for being honest about it. If not, give a second test on the same urine sample. If the second test comes back positive, express confusion and express confidence that the test instruments are reliable. Don't expect an immediate confession but continue to express confusion and let your teen know that it is his responsibility to account for why his urine is testing positive.
At the point where the teen has still not admitted to a relapse, I like to ask him if he has been around anybody who has been abusing drugs. This question often provides me with more information. For example, if he reports that he has been inside a vehicle with others who were smoking marijuana and he thinks that he got an indirect dirty urine as a result, well now i know that he has been associating with drug abusers while they are getting high and that he is in some danger if he is riding in automobiles and smoking marijuana. This is important information but it does not necessarily account for why the THC is at a level for which it tests positive in his urine.
Keep in mind, that while an admission from your teenager is important, it is not necessary. Even without an admission you can move to the second task. Try to refrain from calling your teen a liar. Name calling can be counter-productive. Saying things like, "I am struggling to belive your story - it doesn't account for why this test is positive" is different from saying "I don't believe you- I know you are lying." Remember, we don't "know" anything, unless we were there when he got high. But he has to tell us something that makes sense, something that is credible, and if he tests positive on the second test as well as the first, then he has some explaining to do."
One question that comes up repeatedly is this: can a person test positive if he is just around others who are smoking marijuna? The textbook answer to this, which is provided by the drug testing companies is no. There is generally not enough of the substance second hand to provide enough THC to test positive. However, common sense will tell us that there can be exceptions to this. In the above mentioned example, you have teens smoking marijuna in a car with the windows up. If this goes on long enough, then of course a person who is not smoking it can get a "contact high." Or, at a party in a smaller room the marijuana smoke can become really thick so that your might hear people joke that all you have to do is go into that room and you will get high. Unlikely? Yes. Impossible? No.
A good question to ask the teen who refuses to admitt it is this: "did you feel high?" If the answer to this question is a yes, then you have your admission because he certainly has relapsed, as he allowed enough marijuana into his body to feel intoxicated. Of course, he may still be lying. Still, an admission is an admission. If on the other hand, he denies that he felt anything, then that that denial constitutes an unacceptable explanation.
Task number two: holding your teen accountable. Whether or not your teen admits to a relapse, you can move to the second task. While it is important to give your teenager a chance to account for why his urine is dirty, a chance to come clean so to speak, it does not change much in the way of the second task, which is to hold him acccountable for the relapse. State the accountablitly in simple business-like terms. Most of the accountability will involve restricting him from contact with peers, grounding, loosing cell phones, and perhaps an assessment from a local drug treatment program. If he has had outpatient treatment already, he may need inpatient treatment now. If your child is on probation or if you have filed an ACT 53 petition, then there may be legal consequences as well. Keep the second part short. Going on and on about a relapse is usually counter-productive.
Things to avoid doing:
1. Asking why they did it is usually counterproductive. Probably they like the feeling of being high. That's the real reason. This may feel like the perfect time to hit home a point about how bad of a decision it was to get high but it really is not the right time to make any points, except the two mentioned above. The problem with asking why is also this: there is no good reason and so you your question is a trap of sorts. Any reason they give you will not suffice. Mostly the reasons will be excuses, e.g., "I was depressed," "I was around my old friends," "you shouldn't have let me go over Sam's house," etc. We really don't want to hear the excuses, just skip that part and cover the consequences. However, there is nothing wrong with saying, "teel me what happened." Just don't expect much and don't make it the driving goal. He relapsed. Now, no matter what happened, you have to deal with it.
2. Asking how could they do this to you? Try not to take it personally. Probably it was not something they did to you- they just like the feeling of getting high. Creating a lot of drama over how horrible of a thing this was to do to you might feel like you are setting up a deterrant for the next time but we need to remember that we are powerless really to stop our teens from using drugs. We can only do our best to provide responsible pararent supervision and pick up the pieces in the best way that we can after it happens.
3. Don't keep this relapse a secret. Not from the other parent, the siblings, the counselor, or from the Probation Officer. This has to be exposed for what it is.
4. Don't try to "rip them a new one." That just doesn't help. Hold them accountable by restrictions, more clinical evaluations, or following through with Probation or Act business as you probably already told them that you would do. Let them feel the heat via consequences, not via your verbal tirade.
5. Your teen may lie about his relapse even after you see the result on the urine test. Be careful not to fall into the trap of making the primary issue his lying. The primary issue is continued abuse of drugs. They lying about it is secondary. So, lets assume that you go on and on about how important it is not to lie about these things. Finally, after a long session with you he admits that he relapsed. Now you move to the seond phase where you hold him accountable. Now he screems that he told the truth! But he is still being punished! See, he says, he knew he shouldn't trust you by telling the truth and he'll never tell the truth again now that he sees what it gets him. Just remember that the primary issue is his drug abuse and whether or not he admits to it- you can hold him accountable. If he admits to it- good for him- he told the truth- but he is still to be held accountable but now he can feel a small bit better because he got that off his chest.
6. It is natural to want to make your teen feel quilty about this. Stop it. They probably feel bad that they got caught. Maybe they do feel bad they they relapsed, but trying to heap on the guilt as a way of providing a deterrant against future drug abuse is not effective. We don't have the power to make them feel bad, except that they may feel bad for the consequences that they must now experience. Fine, lets go with that. Sometimes, we might hope that if our teen feels bad enough about what he has done, that we don't have to hold them accountable. "Oh, we talked about that- its' ok now." If you have not held your teen accountable, then the issue has not been delt with just because you talked about it and you might better now that you know how badly he feels. It's a trap. The primary issue is not his guilt- it's his relapse.
5. Remember that people learn from failure. Sometimes we have to fail and experience the consequences for that failure in order to learn. The old saying is: people change because they feel the heat- not because they see the light. Just remember that the most effective "heat" is consequences, not a verbal thrashing.
All PSST meetings cancelled for August
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Monday, July 28, 2008
This is just a chance for Lloyd and Val to catch up on things. We will be back in the Fall. Have a nice rest-of-the-summer everyone! You can call Lloyd at 412-861-6757 if you need some support or advice.
Type rest of the post here
Home Run Derby
Posted by:Ken Sutton--Thursday, July 17, 2008
This post was submitted by Mary C.
“To let you know how far I've come, let me tell you where I've been.
Not that long ago, there were nights I went to sleep in strange places praying I wouldn't wake up. After another night of bad decisions, I'd lie down with my heart speeding inside my chest like it was about to burst through the skin. My thinking was clouded, and my talent was one day closer to being totally wasted.”
Josh Hamilton is a major league baseball player. In last week’s Home run Derby contest he set a record with a 28-homer outburst in the first round. Unfortunately, I did not get to see this. My son told me about it a few days later. The fact that he had hit 28 homeruns was impressive but that wasn’t what impressed my son the most. Josh Hamilton is a recovering crack addict. He has turned his life around. He is an inspiration for many recovering addicts. His story is remarkable. The title of an ESPN article says it all, “'I'm proof that hope is never lost”. Click here to read it.
Sorry, our Tuesday, July 15 meeting at Gateway is cancelled.
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Sorry, our Tuesday, July 15 meeting at Gateway is cancelled due to lack of interest. We are not sure that we will continue this meeting as interest is very low.
Type rest of the post here
Crisis Network kicks off
Posted by:Ken Sutton--Saturday, July 12, 2008
Starting July 1, re:solve Crisis Network began operating its phone and mobile crisis services. By calling the re:solve Crisis Network phone number (1-888-7-YOUCAN). . .
Western Psychiatric Institute and Clinic of UPMC and Allegheny County have partnered to bring new comprehensive behavioral health services to the residents of Allegheny County. re:solve Crisis Network kicked off July 1 and is a 24-hours-a-day, 365-days-a-year crisis service available to any Allegheny County resident regardless of age, ability to pay, or history of using behavioral health services. The network is designed to help anyone deal with everyday stress so it does not become a crisis. Whether you are feeling depressed, bullied, experiencing grief, or troubled by day-to-day tasks, re:solve Crisis Network can help.
Starting July 1, re:solve Crisis Network began operating its phone and mobile crisis services. By calling the re:solve Crisis Network phone number (1-888-7-YOUCAN), you can speak to a trained counselor on the phone or in person through the mobile crisis services. If mobile services are requested, a counselor will meet you wherever you are or wherever you would like to meet in Allegheny County.
Phase two of the re:solve Crisis Network will roll out this fall. This phase includes walk-in and overnight behavioral health services at its new location being built on Braddock Avenue. The development of this network will create more than 120 new jobs in the Pittsburgh area and provide a confidential outlet for residents of Allegheny County to seek help.
re:solve Crisis Network’s goal is to help you resolve your crisis before it becomes a crisis. Step one to feeling relief starts with picking up the phone. Help is available any day, any time, for any reason. Contact the re:solve Crisis Network at 1-888-7-YOUCAN or 1-888-796-8226.
Continue to use the WPIC Call Center and admissions number, 412-624-2000, to arrange transfers to the WPIC emergency room, schedule inpatient admissions and outpatient appointments, obtain information about WPIC’s services, or reach directory assistance.
A chance to help.
Posted by:Ken Sutton--Friday, July 11, 2008
Join Together is an excellent national advocacy group that monitors and gets involved with the problems and issues surrounding drug and alcohol abuse. They make it easy to stay informed with their daily email newsletter. You can find them at http://www.jointogether.org/ and subscribe.
They are currently asking for our support in an effort to stop MillerCoors from marketing an energy/alcohol drink. Seeing corporate America trying to turn a profit on the backs of our children really just sets me off. This is a national email effort and they have made it extremely easy to participate. Just go to the website or click the picture above.
