Ten parents (representing eight families) joined us for coffee, cream cheese and bagels on August 28th. Most of the families either have a teen in inpatient drug treatment or on Intensive Aftercare Probation.
We were disappointed that our invited speaker did not show; however new role-plays soon took center stage. The theme of our August 28th meeting was FAMILY SECRETS.
First, Parent1 volunteered to be a youth who is trying to get released from Abraxas. Parent2 volunteered to be her visiting father. Parent1 attempted to convince her father not to tell her counselor that on her recent home visit she contacted “Bob.” Parent1 has been told that contact with old peers and especially with this old boyfriend is forbidden. I (Lloyd) played the role of the Abraxas staff that came in halfway though the visit to find out how things were going. In spite of Parent1’s excellent manipulations and in spite of the fact that it very well could mean a drop in her level at Abraxas, Parent2 refused to keep her secret. Both Parent2 and Parent1 were very authentic.
Parent3 helped provide the next role-play. In this scenario, her son had been released from rehab several weeks ago. He appeared to be doing great especially in attending I.O.P. and attending meetings. She played herself and I played her son. My task was to convince my mom that she shouldn’t tell my PO that I had stayed out past my curfew. The 12-step meeting that I attended was over at 9:00 p.m., yet I had not returned home until midnight. Parent3 had been unable to reach me the whole time despite that she had given me her cell phone. I tried every trick I could think of to manipulate Parent3. I started with softer explanations, e.g., “I left the cell phone at home; I was with my sponsor; and we went to Eat & Park after the meeting.” Eventually when none of that worked, I got mad and said, “You’ll be sorry if you tell my PO about this.” Kathy was terrific and these are some of thing which she did extremely well.
1. She insisted on talking to my sponsor to verify my story.
2. She refused to keep the curfew violation secret from the PO.
3. She refused to escalate into yelling. I got loud but she kept her voice low.
We also did a min-version of a third role-play. Parent4 and Parent5 really hope that their daughter will talk to them about stuff like she did before she got involved in drugs. In this scenario her daughter had just been released from rehab and had bumped into an old using friend. She had lunch with her at the mall and “caught up on things.” But when telling the PO about it came up, their daughter (me) told both Shirley and Wayne that if they insisted on sharing that with my PO, I felt like I wouldn’t be able to share anything with them ever again. Since Parent5 and Parent6 want very much for their daughter to be able to talk to them about things, it presented a tough challenge. Time prevented us from playing it out.
The group came up with good discussion about keeping secrets. Most parents admitted that they have done it at some point. Some talked about how they do not report to the inpatient staff if their son or daughter has a cigarette while they are on home pass. Parents sometimes smoke and that may be part of the conflict.
If you have been keeping secrets for your teenager it is OK to admit to your teen that you have made a mistake. Admitting mistakes is also modeling good responsible behavior for your teenager.
Young people tend not to really listen to what parents say. They listen to what parents do. Therefore, in this fight to save our teenager’s lives, we cannot afford to miss opportunities to “demonstrate” our messages.
Remember:
1 The secrets that you keep at first may seem trifling, but once you start keeping secrets, it makes recovery from drug addiction more difficult.
2 It is also important to sanction or otherwise hold your teen responsible for his or her actions. Telling the PO or therapist is very important, but also using a sanction or other assigned learning experience is another part of sending your teen a message. Note that If you ground you teenager, they can still attend 12-step meetings if parents provide the transportation to and from meetings. More ideas to come on this at our next PSST.
3 It’s a good idea to meet your son or daughter’s sponsor. However, as Ann pointed out, sometimes teenagers pick sponsors who are shaky in their own recovery. Don’t be afraid to ask the sponsor things like, “How much clean time do you have? How many meetings do you still go to in a week? Do you stay in touch with your sponsor? Do you ask your sponsees to write their step-work out or do you just talk to them about it? You don’t pick your kid’s sponsor, but just showing an interest in the person and asking questions is always a good idea.
With the group’s permission, we might start filming certain role-plays or group discussions to use in training others to run Parent Survival Skills Training Groups. Any films taken will be used for training purposes only.
If you have never been to a PSST meeting, we have missed you. Look for the enclosed insert which includes information and directions.
Sincerely,
Lloyd Woodward
Aftercare Specialist Probation Officer
(412) 247-6365
Summary 8-28-04 Meeting
Posted by:Ken Sutton--Saturday, August 28, 2004
Summary 0f 8-14-04 Meeting
Posted by:Ken Sutton--Saturday, August 14, 2004
Ten parents (representing eight families) joined us for coffee, cream cheese and bagels on August 14th. Most of the families still have a teenager away in treatment. One has a youth who was just apprehended on a Warrant yesterday. Three have youth who are successfully completing probation after ten days, after several weeks, and after four or five months.
Parent1, a veteran member of our group, provided one of the role-plays. Parent2, a first-time member provided another one. Both role-plays were similar. In one, the youth was dragging his feet on finding a job. In the other, he was dragging his feet on his GED. The outcome of both ended up with the parent either suggesting or insisting that they go to the library together or go look for a job together.
Sincerely,
Lloyd Woodward
Aftercare Specialist Probation Officer
(412) 247-6365
Summary of July-31-2004 Meeting
Posted by:Ken Sutton--Saturday, July 31, 2004
Eight parents (representing seven families) joined us for coffee and donuts on July 31st. Most of the families still have a son or daughter in placement. One has a teenager whose whereabouts are unknown, one has a son just released a few days ago from Rehab, and one has a son who is going three months of successful probation and recovering from heroin addiction.
Parent1, a first-time member of our group, provided the role-play. Parent1s’ role-play involved confronting his son (played by me) one month after “my” release from rehab. Certain signs of “mental relapse” were starting to manifest. For example, I displayed a defensive attitude: I was argumentative; I claimed that my parents were driving me to use drugs by trying to work my 12-step program for me. Oh, yeah, and my dad (Parent1) had found a number on his phone bill to my former drug dealer!
Parent2 volunteered to be my “mother” in the role-play. She was very intense and I think everyone agreed that both volunteer parents did an outstandingly realistic role-play. This helped bring up much group discussion. At the end of the role-play, I was allowed to go to an underage club with a buddy from my narcotics Anonymous group, but I had to agree to come home by curfew and to attend a “family meeting” in the morning.
Later in the group we redid the end of the role-play differently. Parent1 took Parent3 (standing in for Parent2) outside in the hall to collaborate. Parent1 told me to sit tight and wait. I sat there fuming, making cell phone calls to my buddy complaining about what jerks I had for parents. Then they returned and told me that they both decided that I was not to leave the house tonight. I was pretty mad, but they made it clear that it as not up for discussion. I was grounded. And to top it off, they took my cell phone!! The role-play ended with me pacing the floor and swearing.
Cathy asked this good question after the second role-play. What if I left anyway? Well, if I leave I’m placing myself outside of parental control. I’m on probation. My Probation Officer must be notified and he must intervene. There is now an opportunity for me to learn by having consequences for my poor choice.
TIP: It is best not to threaten that you will call the Probation Officer. Your son or daughter should know that you call the Probation Officer regularly (perhaps daily) and it goes without saying that you would tell the PO.) You may be asked, “Well, I suppose your going to tell my PO?” Simply, say, “I talk to your PO all the time. Are you asking me to lie to him? I won’t lie or cover for you.” This is another good reason to make it obvious to your son or daughter that you are in regular contact with the Probation Officer.
Congratulations to our actors, Parent2, Parent1 and Parent3. Thanks to Parent1 for coming up with this great role-play that demonstrated that we know when something is wrong, but we tell ourselves that we don’t have enough to act on, that there is nothing that we can do. And our kids complicate things by coming up with stories that explain everything. It’s not a crime that at we want to believe our kids, but let’s not forget that they just came out of a drug rehab and really might not be trustworthy.
Doing nothing is almost always worse than doing something when that “parent sense” goes off. If things start to feel bad, things are probably worse than you suspect.
Remember these rules of thumb:
1. If you don’t trust that your son or daughter is going to go where they say, don’t let them go out.
2. If you see signs of a “mental relapse” e.g., irritability, defensiveness and/or manipulative behavior, and perhaps have reason to believe that they are in contact with old peers, then there is no need to wait for the actual relapse. Intervene. Sanction if appropriate. Be creative. Doing nothing is not a good thing. Doing something is often so much more important than doing exactly the “right thing.” If you are unsure what to do, talk it over with a close friend, a spouse, another parent from group, or, of course, with your Probation Officer.
3. As parents, you have much more power than you realize. Even if your child was not on probation, you can still be in control of your own home. And of course, especially if he or she is still on probation, you have considerable power. Parental power is not so much to “make him or her change.” Parental power is in your ability to send very powerful messages about what you accept and what you refuse to accept. Of course, the only way your message gets heard is by taking action, not by just talking.
If you couldn’t make it, you were missed. We hope you will come to the next meeting on August 14 and let us know how things are going with «FIRST».
Our thoughts and prayers that Bryan will be found soon go out to Mary. Many parents shared that they too have gone though having a run-away young person. Some of the ideas they offered will hopefully help.
Remember, parents are welcome to participate in role-plays but no one is pressured to do so. Be advised that adult language is often used in the role-plays.
If you have not yet attended the Parent Survival Skills Training, see the next page for information about what goes on at the meeting.
Sincerely,
Lloyd Woodward
Aftercare Specialist Probation Officer
(412) 247-6365
cc: Probation Officer «Current__PO»
Summary of 7-17-2004 Meeting
Posted by:Ken Sutton--Saturday, July 17, 2004
Seven parents (representing four families) joined us for coffee and donuts on July 17th. Most of the families still have a son or daughter in placement. Parent2 has a teenager whose whereabouts are unknown.
Parent1, a first time member of our group, provided the role-play. Parent1’s role-play was challenging and J. did a marvelous job of demonstrating defiance. The role-play was as follows: I was the parent and J., was my daughter and she refused to turn off the TV and go to her room.
After I turned the TV off, she got up and turned it back on. Finally, I stood up and confronted her face-to-face and she stood up and went to her room. After the role-play Parent1 had a good question. What if she didn’t get up and move when I face-to-faced her and demanded that she do that? What then?
The short answer is that the parent insists that they go now, not later, and the parent “assists” them if necessary, e.g., takes them by the arm and marches them up to their room. For the most part, we underestimate the power of a determined parent. Other things also have to be taken into consideration, however, and as Jane pointed out, “that’s not me, I could never handle things like that.” Perhaps that would not be Jane’s choice to have a rule that at a certain time of the night the TV must be off and everyone must go to his or her room. There are more ways than one to skin a cat and it depends a lot on the circumstances of the cat and the personality of the skinner. Another factor that we did not discuss is the consistency with which those non-negotiable rules are enforced. You can’t just enforce a rule some of the time. When you practice consistency 100 % with non-negotiable rules our youth tend to accept the rules (as they do in the rehabs in which they presently reside.) Thanks to Parent1 for a great role-play that instigated discussion.
If you couldn’t make it, you were missed. We hope you will come to the next meeting on July 31st and let the other parents know how things are going with «FIRST».
If you have not yet attended the Parent Survival Skills Training, see the next page for information about what goes on at the meeting.
Directions to South Meeting
Posted by:Ken Sutton--Wednesday, June 12, 2002
Gateway Greentree
2121 Noblestown Plaza
Pittsburgh, PA 15205
(412) 928-5940
From Pittsburgh take I 376 W/US-22 W/US-30 W
Take the exit near top of hill (4A for PA-121 N toward Crafton
Turn left at the T, Mansfield Ave/PA-121
then one block turn right onto Blue Belt/PA-121/Poplar St
1/2 mile turn right at light onto Noblestown Rd/ PA -50
go .3 mile and turn right up driveway, bear right at Y and follow signs to Gateway, which will be around the back
After turning right on Noblestown go .3 miles and turn left up a driveway- bear right at the Y and follow sings to Gateway Greentree, which will be all the way around the back of the building complex.
Type rest of the post here
First Time Visitors - parents of teenage drug abusers and/or Juvenile Court Youth
Posted by:Ken Sutton--Monday, December 10, 2001
This blog is a place to share with you what other parents have learned as a result of the substance abuse problems of their teenagers. These teenagers can be extremely difficult to deal with and parents need all the help they can get at a time when it is difficult or embarrassing to ask for help.
The Allegheny County Juvenile Probation Office sponsors a meeting on the first 3 Saturdays of each month where you can tap into a wealth of knowledge many parents have found to be extremely valuable. If your child is not in the court system you are invited to learn the skills that may help keep them out or to learn how getting them into the system can be instrumental in saving your child’s life. If your child is in the system you are invited to learn the skills to help your child save his/her life. In any case, you are welcome to review this blog to see if there is information here that can help you and your child.
There are no quick fixes at the meeting. This is not a 12 step program. Many parents find attending a NARANON group or POTADA meeting helpful as well.
If you are a first time visitor to this site we recommend that you read some of the role plays and then come to the next meeting.
If you have been coming to the meeting we recommend that you review the site, read the role plays and consider writing a post for the site – something from your perspective that could help other parents. What you have learned. What you wish you knew.
Everyone is welcome to leave comments. Comments are moderated so they will not immediately show on the blog but usually by the next time a reader visits the blog the comments will have appeared. There is a box to the right of this post where you can insert your email address, which allows you to receive email whenever there is a change made to the blog. Read More......
What are the role plays and how can they help me with my problem teen?
Posted by:Ken Sutton--Sunday, December 09, 2001
In our meetings we use role playing to work on real problems that parents are currently having. It turns out that a lot of the problems we have with our teens are common to all parents and they just occur at different times (take a look at the role plays posted here back to 2004 to see what I mean). Watching others play out a problem you have been having with your child can be very enlightening. Likewise, playing the part of your child and seeing how other parents handle you is very instructive.
There is an opportunity to discuss the role play and to do it over with different approaches as suggested by other parents and probation officers (who have years of valuable experience). Having the ability to share these experiences really makes a difference when the situation occurs in your home with your teen.
Note, no one is required to participate in the role plays.
These role play links are to the text of the summaries written up by the probation officer after each meeting. They give you a good flavor of how the meeting is conducted.
Directions To The Eastern Probation Office
Posted by:Ken Sutton--Sunday, April 08, 2001
The Eastern Probation Office is located at 907 West St., Wilkinsburg, PA 15221
Penn West Offices is at the intersection of Penn and West Streets. Take Braddock Ave from the parkway (exit at Swissvale / Edgewood) towards Wilkinsburg. Make right onto Penn ave- go two lights, make right onto West St., turn right into parking lot. Call for information: 412-247-6365.
Directions To Trinity Lutheran Church
Posted by:Ken Sutton--Sunday, April 08, 2001
Directions: Coming from I 79 exit 73 Wexford/910 turn east (which is right if coming from the south, left if coming from the north) on Route 910 and at the first red light make a right turn onto Brandt School Road. Travel 1.4 miles and Trinity Lutheran Church will be on your right. There is a cemetary in front of the Church. The drive way is marked "Do Not Enter." Please continue past the cemetary to the next drive way, which is marked "YMCA" and turn right onto this drive way and it will take you around back of the church to the "Educational Building." This is where we meet. There is lots of parking in front of the educational building. Call for information: 412-247-6365 or 412-861-6757. If you are calling Saturday morning use the second number.
In case I79 is under construction or closed here are alternate directions:
You asked for alternate directions just in case Penndot closes down I-79 and I-279 to one lane for construction like they did last Saturday.
- Get off of I-279 North at the McKnight/Evergreen Exit (Exit 11)
- Stay to the left to to merge onto Mcknight Road
- Stay on McKnight Road for about 71/2 miles
- You will come to a Giant Eagle and a Target on your left (across McKnight from the Showcase Cinema North)
- Just past the Target (at the light) make a left onto Pine Creek Road (you will need to do a quick zig to the right to stay on Pine Creek Road instead of turning into the Target)
- Go straight across Perry Highway (Rt 19) and stay on pine creek for about 2 miles
- bare right onto Brant School Road (be careful to watch traffic coming from your left)
- stay on Brant School Road for a little over 1/2 mile - Trinity Lutheran Church will be on your left (watch fo the YMCA Child Care sign) Read More......
