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Quote of the Week
"If I cannot do great things, I can do small things in a great way" ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.
If synthetic marijuana is sold in stores, it can’t be all
that dangerous, can it?
New research from Children’s National Health System Synthetic
has shown that synthetic marijuana, known as K2 or Spice, decreases the flow of
oxygen to the heart in teenagers and can cause serious heart complications.
Decreased oxygen levels to the heart can have serious consequences in youth,
from shortness of breath and chest pain to the pediatric equivalent of a heart
attack.
“Synthetic marijuana is unacceptably readily available for
purchase by children and puts them at risk of serious health issues including
cardiac damage,” says Dr. Berul, a nationally-recognized pediatric heart rhythm
expert.
Click here for the full article.
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Miracles DO Happen
Posted by:Jenn--Sunday, July 12, 2015
Click here for an uplifting story posted recently in the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette “Mission
Mahi food truck serves up more than tacos”. An alcoholic who also also became addicted to
pain medication, his life spinning out of control, Jimmy Woods had a spiritual
experience in rehab that gave him a clear focus on his own recovery. In April, he opened a food truck business
selling his signature fish tacos in the Pittsburgh, PA area. In addition to serving tacos, Jimmy is also
happy to share his recovery story. His
main goal is “to give others hope and a safe place to talk and not be judged.”
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Thanks to Lorraine for sharing the following story. She has maintained clearly defined boundaries with her son, refusing to enable his (former) drug-related behavior, and continuing a healthy relationship by encouraging appropriate activities.
My son moved to Miami when he was first on his own. He was almost 21. Immediately before that, he was at First Step Half Way house. He was having some level of success with regard to drug use, in that he was functioning, but he was still using. He was not yet convinced to come completely clean. That sometimes takes awhile.
He was attending Allegheny Community college, transferred his credits to Miami Dade Community, and continued at Miami Dade when he arrived in Miami.
I did not give him any money for rent. I never co-signed anything. I did make the mistake of having a joint bank account with him since that saved him money in checking account charges, but after the issues with banking fees due to him using his debit card when he didn't have any money in his account, I removed my name off the account within 6 months.
When he finished Miami Dade within a year after arriving in Miami, he was accepted into University of Miami for a 4 year degree. At that point, I co-signed a school loan, because that was the only way he could continue to University of Miami. At this point, with his success at Miami Dade Community college, exercising a level of responsibility for himself in Miami, maintaining a full time job as a server in a restaurant, I felt that he deserved this chance to get a 4 year degree at University of Miami. However, even though he was functioning well, he was still using. I did co-sign that loan with some level of expectation that I would be paying off the loan myself.
He still lives in the Miami area. He just turned 29 and has been completely clean for 3 years. No drugs, alcohol or tobacco. He works as a computer programmer and earns a fair salary. And he is in the process of paying back his school loans.
And I still do not give him any money for anything. And I still would never co-sign anything. As he has his successes, I will buy him things, which is mainly related to his athletics. He participates in triathlons, which is an expensive sport. And I will indicate to him that the reason I buy him whatever it is I am buying him, is due to his success in staying clean. I make sure he understands the association between me buying him expensive things for his sport and him continuing to stay clean.
When he first went to Miami, he had his issues with his drug use and we were at the point in our relationship that we could discuss such things. He once told me, "Mom, The only thing that works is having $100 in your pocket and having to choose between a bed to sleep in and drugs." I still keep reminding myself of this statement to this very day .... years later.
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PSST on July 4th? YES, of course!
Let's celebrate our INDEPENDENCE - from enabling, from being fearful, from being manipulated! (See the helpful post below for more information on parents' rights . . .)
Come to our Saturday, July 4th PSST meeting in Wilkinsburg for the perspective, friendship, insights, and shot-in-the-arm that we all need to maintain our sanity.
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PARENT RIGHTS
1. I have the right to be safe in my own home. No matter what I say that someone might not like, I have the right to not feel physically or verbally threatened in my own home. I have the responsibility to see that others in my home feel safe.
2. I have a right to be treated with respect. I have the right not to be yelled at. If you need to tell me something, take care how you speak to me or I won't be standing around listening. I have the responsibility to treat others with respect.
3. I have the right to take care of my own needs. My needs are at least as important as my other family members. I have the responsibility within reason to help others in my family take care of their own needs.
4. I have a right to speak my mind. If some people are going to find me judgmental, intolerant, or whatever, I will remind myself that they have a right to speak their minds too.
5. I have the right to take some time to consider the question before I give an answer. I have the right to "use my lifeline" and make a phone call or consult with someone I trust (my spouse perhaps) before I decide. If my teen HAS to know right now then the answer is NO. When asking for something from family members I will remember that within reason they also have a right to take some time to consider before they answer.
6. I have the right to take a vacation from high-level drama. I recognize the highly addictive nature of drama and I realize that I don't have to "have" some everyday. Sometimes it's OK for me to just "pass" on the crisis-of-the day. I don't have to feel guilty just because I don't ALWAYS make someone else's problem my problem, even if it is my teenager. Likewise, I will remember that just because something is a 911 for me it doesn't have to have emergency significance for others in my family.
7. I have a right to change. The way I coped with stressful things yesterday does not have to be the way I choose to handle stress today. Generally, people don't like to see other people change, unless of course it's the specific change that they prescribed; but that's their problem not mine. It is my responsibility to remember that others have the right to change also.
8. I have the right to ask for help. I have a right to attend as many PSST meetings (or other self-help meetings) as I choose. I know that I am always welcome to the support and education that I find at PSST. If anyone tells me that I am wasting my time or that it's time I stood up and became a real parent who didn't need any help to make these tough decisions, then it's time that I told those people to please mind their own business.
9. I have a right to choose my own boundaries. I don't have to keep secrets about drugs, alcohol, crime, or violations of probation, for my loved ones. If I am NOT COMFORTABLE with something, I can say that. That's reason enough for me to not do it or not to permit my teenager to do it. Likewise, I will allow others within reason to also make the claim that they are NOT COMFORTABLE with something although of course in areas of me holding my teen accountable it is not necessary that my teen feels comfortable with all my actions.
10. I have the right to change my mind. It's a very basic right that is afforded to everyone. Yes, I know it can cause problems and some people will accuse me of being a liar. I know that if I "promise" something then I should try to follow through with that promise; however, sometimes I get "new information" and then I have to reconsider. Also, sometimes I make mistakes and I have to fix them. I have the responsibility to not change my mind in a sneaky, capricious or arbitrary way but to use new information to change my mind in as orderly and as informed manner as possible.
11. I have a right to establish rules in my house. Within the limits of what's effective and what's reasonable, I can take steps to enforce my rules. I've learned that if I have a rule that I'm either unwilling or unable to enforce, then it's better if I don't have that rule. I have the responsibility to be consistent when I apply rules.
12. I have a right to disagree with professionals involved with my teenager's case. Just because a professional is considered an "expert" doesn't mean he is right. I'm an expert too: expert on my own teenager. However, I have the responsibility to weigh carefully any expert opinion that I am afforded. I recognize that I need to struggle to be open minded and that I am not always in the best "seat" to see things objectively. IF i still disagree with the approach that a professional is taking with my child's case then I my understand that first responsibility is to discuss this with my trusted peer group. If I still disagree my next responsibility is to discuss with the professionals involved. If I still have a problem then I must inquire as to how a grievance or protest or if another avenue is offered to object, then I will follow various alternatives that may include supervisors, administrators, or judges until that time that I am more comfortable with the situation.
13. I have a right to not enable my teenager. No matter what my family may think, if I think helping is hurting then I don't have to do it. I'm not giving up when I stop enabling. I am attempting to address my role in the problem.
14. I have a right to be the parent and know that I don't really have the right to be my teenager's friend. Later, when I don't have to be the one in charge because my teenager has grown into a responsible adult, we can be friends. Until then, I'll just be the parent. Especially, if my teen is exhibiting out-of-control behavior I accept that I have the responsibility to not become friends because this limits my ability to parent effectively. It is my responsibility to be the parent first, and the friend second.
15. I have a right to pursue happiness, which may include having interests and hobbies that I feel passionate about, a career or job that I am proud of, and/or friends that I care about. I have a right to be more than just a parent; even if my teenager is in placement or inpatient treatment, life for me goes on. I have the responsibility to not become so obsessed by my teens problems that I forfeit my own happiness.
16. I have a right to be as healthy as I can be and to let my teenager(s) watch me do it. That's my gift to my family. It's my right to give this gift and whether or not they seem to appreciate it at the time doesn't matter. Eventually, teenagers imitate adults and therefore it is both my right and my responsibility to pursue a healthy lifestyle.
I know that some of these over-lap. Perhaps from time to time I will tweak this list. Please add the one's that I missed. Please comment on which one's you feel are most important in the comments section. These are rights that I've heard parents speak about at meetings.
HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY TO ALL PSST PARENTS EVERYWHERE both meeting goers and blog-readers! Hoping that the only fireworks you have to deal with on the 4th are the ones they shoot off in the sky!
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The White House Office of National Drug Control Policy
(ONDCP) has scheduled a webinar for parents who
are concerned about current overdose deaths and opioid misuse. If you are interested in participating, you
must register for the webinar by June 26 (click on the link in the invitation
below). The webinar will be held on July
1, 2015 at 3pm EST.
Below is the invitation
to the webinar from Michael Botticelli, ONDCP’s director, also informally known as the drug czar.
Mr. Botticelli is the first person in substance-abuse (alcohol) recovery to
hold the position.
The ONDCP advises the President on drug-control issues,
coordinates drug-control activities and related funding across the Federal
government, and produces the annual National Drug Control Strategy, which outlines Administration efforts
to reduce illicit drug use, manufacturing and trafficking, drug-related
crime and violence, and drug-related health consequences.
AN INVITATION
I
would like to cordially invite you to join me for a webinar conversation. This
event is designed to be an opportunity for ONDCP to share their recent efforts
to reduce drug overdose deaths and opioid misuse, and to learn from parents
like you how the Administration can assist with your work to keep our children
safe.
The
meeting will take place virtually on July 1, 2015 at 3:00 pm EST.
Please
register for this event here by June 26. You
will be able to share questions when you register, and I will also respond to
live questions during our webinar. Details on how to access the webinar will
only be sent to parties who register. Questions that are submitted for the
postponed webinar have been received and do not need to be posted again.
I encourage you to share this
invitation with other parents
whose lives have been impacted by a child with a substance use disorder. This
conversation is limited to the parents and family members. I hope you can join
me at this webinar to discuss how we can work together to make America
healthier and safer for all.
Thank
you,
Michael
Botticelli,
Director,
White House Office of National Drug Control Policy
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My daughter Gwen is a heroin addict, who was introduced to
drugs by her father (my ex-husband) when she was only 12 years old and in his
custody. Shocking, isn’t it? I can hardly believe it myself. I have struggled mightily for years (with the
help of the court system, probation, and professional counseling services) to
get her into drug treatment programs, only to see her relapse yet again. I am amazed that she is still alive at age
21. Gwen is still active in her
addiction, with no visible signs of wanting to seek treatment. Her father continues to be her biggest
enabler. It breaks my heart.
A few months ago, with the help of professional counselors,
I realized that I needed to “divorce” my daughter. Her continued downward spiral was sapping all
of my energy, and affecting my own health.
I needed to discontinue contact with her, and stop my obsessive worrying
about her.
I wrote the following letter and delivered it to her in-person on Valentine’s Day, along with a silver locket containing two photos, one of her and one of me. The picture of Gwen was taken during one of those rare times when she was “clean”. We look so much alike in those photos! Along with the letter and locket, I gave Gwen a hug, and asked her to call me when she was ready to live a life in recovery.
Making the decision to divorce my daughter was the most painful thing I’ve ever done, but I know that it was the best thing that I could do, both for her and for me.
Gwen,
This is the hardest thing I have ever done in all my life. You see, I love you so very much, and the addicted life you are living is consuming me. All I can think about is you, and what you are doing to buy the drugs you need to feed your addiction. It torments me to realize how your addiction is destroying your chances for a healthy future. It keeps me up all night worrying about what the drugs are doing to you.
You are one of my life’s greatest joys. But until you are ready to live a life in recovery, I need to take care of myself. I can no longer watch you be destroyed by this monster of addiction, and I cannot be part of your addicted life. I have finally realized that my love for you is not enough to conquer your addiction. As an adult, you can (and should) make all of your own decisions. And I get it – you are just not ready to live a clean lifestyle. I know that anything that I say or do cannot change that.
In my dreams, I envision you as a successful, healthy, and clean young woman. I know you have the knowledge and power to overcome this addiction. When you are ready for recovery, call me. Then I will embrace you, and support you in every way that a loving mother can.
Never forget that you are part of me – my beautiful daughter, and my greatest gift from God. I hand you over to Him now, until we are together again.
Your Loving Mother
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What if your child is regularly high, stoned, or drunk - do you let him/her drive your car? What if s/he needs to drive to get to work? What if the car technically belongs to him/her?
Click here for a blog posting from a parent who believes in setting firm boundaries, and has found a solution to these problems that works for him.
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Warning: Your Child’s Addiction May Be Fatal
FATAL means he/she could die and you could live the rest of your life
dealing with that fact. This warning comes to you from a parent who knows and
simply wants you to understand how serious drug addiction is.
PAY ATTENTION. GET ALL THE FACTS and HELP YOU CAN GET.
It has been almost three
years now since we got that horrific phone call and learned that Cisco had died.
Life goes on. Our family
is doing well and even prospering. Frodo and Fiona have two beautiful daughters!
We eat, we sleep, we travel. We are both
working full-time, and I still spend my free time with knitting needles
clicking away. Some days are better than others.
Today my heart is heavy.
Just as Cisco had triggers that instigated his drug use, we have triggers that
make us grieve. It might be the photos of Cisco that I discovered recently on a
flash drive or maybe it’s because his 23rd birthday is coming up soon. Whatever
the reason, sometimes the gap that his death left on our hearts becomes
unbearably large.
Yoga helps me find peace.
My faith and prayers bring me hope. Friends and family sustain me. However, the
thing that keeps me going is the hate that I have for drug addiction.
I think of addiction as
an evil, two-headed beast with two brains that keeps outsmarting itself. I firmly stand square-shouldered facing this
monstrosity, I look into its red, piercing eyes and I say to it:
“Cisco
convinced some of his friends to stay clear of you, you vile and pestilent
creature. However, you were able to get a stronghold on Cisco, even though he
fought you off most gallantly. For Cisco’s sake I will not let you ruin me. I
will live well and survive. I will tell as many people as I can about your evil
ways. I will do my best to take you down.”
I take my eyes off this
creature now. I slowly and purposefully walk away.
This evil thing called
addiction can be defeated.
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Continuing with the theme of
not enabling . . . click here for a post written by Raychelle Lohmann, an author and certified counselor. The following quotes are from her article:
Though well-intentioned, enabling can be
one of the most destructive things someone can do when they try to help an
addict.
Here
are some common examples of how parents enable their child’s substance abuse:
· Lending money (which winds up being used to
support the drug habit)
· Paying off debts
· Providing transportation to and from places
· Making excuses for your child’s drug influenced
erratic behavior
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Super Not Enabler
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Friday, May 08, 2015
This is a theme at all our meetings. Indeed, with drug and alcohol addiction enabling and not enabling is a key concept. How do I know if I'm enabling? The answer is that if the help you are giving your teenager helps to enable him to continue his addictive lifestyle, then it's the kind of enabling that we want to avoid. On the other hand, if it's helping the teen but not enabling him to continue his addictive lifestyle, then while it might enabling something it's not enabling the addiction and it's not such a big deal. It might even be helping. It might help to support a drug-free lifestyle.
Sometimes in group we talk about doing some enabling without expecting that it could help the teenager but doing it because it makes us feel better. "We paid for his attorney, but we did it for us really, so that we would feel better we didn't do it for him." OK, that is a good first step to address enabling; however, if whatever help we are giving enables the addictive lifestyle it doesn't matter about the intentions. It is not enough to assume that you know it won't help but you feel better giving aid.
There comes a time; however, when parents stop the enabling of anything that might further the addictive lifestyle and it is this non-enabling approach that helps the parent feel better. When you know you've pretty much done all you can and now it's up to the teenager, you are in a good place.
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Unintentional drug overdose is now considered to
be a leading cause of preventable death in the United States. Administering
naloxone hydrochloride (“naloxone”) can reverse an opioid overdose and prevent
these unintentional deaths.
Naloxone is classified by the U.S. Food and Drug
Administration as a prescription drug, therefore there are laws that govern both
how it may be administered and by whom. In
general, each state creates its own laws about who can prescribe drugs, as well
as what the standards and processes are for prescriptions. In 2013-2014 alone, 20 states passed laws
governing naloxone access. States may allow
legal immunities for both health care professionals and lay persons who
administer the drug. Click here for the Drug Policy Alliance’s map showing which
states have naloxone access laws.
Pennsylvania is one of the states with a
naloxone access law. Opioid Overdose Reversal ACT 139 allows first responders
(law enforcement, fire fighters, EMS), or other organizations acting at the
direction of a health care professional authorized to prescribe naloxone, to
administer the drug to individuals experiencing an opioid overdose. The law also provides immunity from
prosecution for those responding to and reporting overdoses. Additionally,
individuals such as friends or family members in a position to assist a person
at risk of experiencing an opioid related overdose may receive a prescription
for naloxone.
Click here for more information about Pennsylvania’s new law on the Department
of Drug and Alcohol Programs (DDAP) website. Click
on the red “Save a Life” banner in the middle of the page. One of the links on this page provides a list
of Pennsylvania pharmacy locations carrying naloxone; this list is expected to
grow as the demand for the medication increases. In addition, some
pharmacies will fill prescriptions by mail.
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Two Kinds of Boundaries
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Monday, April 20, 2015
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We discussed this in our group yesterday. This post attempts to differentiate between the two types of boundaries with consequences.
The first boundary is the type that states "if you do blah blah blah, we will respond with bleh bleh bleh." An example would be:
Mom: If you can't keep your car legal, insurance paid, registration renewed etc., we will take your car keys and put a club on the steering wheel of your car.
Teen: But how will I get to work?
Mom: Well, yeah, this is going to be a major inconvenience for you. I'm not sure what your back up plan for getting to work would look like.
Let's call the first type a Conditional Boundary because the consequences of the parent are conditional on the teen violating his home contract. This approach can work well as long as you have sufficient credibility with your teenager so that he believes you mean what you say. If however, you have not followed through with boundaries before or if your teen has simply acquired a great deal of power, then you may be better off with the second type of boundary.
The second type makes more sense when you're teenager isn't likely to take you very seriously. Perhaps he has you walking on eggs already so you set a boundary that involves some action that shows rather than states that you mean business.
Mom: Your father and I have have to let you know about some things, and you're not going to like this at all.
Teen: Forget it. I'm not talking. Get out here. I'm busy.
Mom: This is the living room and I live here.
Teen: I don't care. I'm watching South Park. I don't have time for this crap.
Mom: We are not comfortable letting you use the car right now, and so we used our key to put a club on the steering wheel.
Teen: What? You can't do that! [raising voice]. I'll f&^% up your car if you do that to mine!
Mom: Hold on, [using the universal sign for stop by placing her hand open palm up in the air.] We expected that you're going to be really angry about all this and we asked Officer Brown to come over the house to help explain some things to you.
Teen: What??? I'm not talking to him! He can't come in here like this; I haven't done anything wrong!
Mom: Well, you're right, you haven't acted on your threat to damage our car but he's here because I invited him. [Mom raises voice and yells into the hallway] Come on in Officer Brown.
Teen: [appears to be torn between wanting to flee and not wanting to miss South Park]
Officer Brown: Hi Jamie, how are you?
Teen: [changes demeanor entirely to one more polite] Hi Officer Brown I haven't done anything wrong. Can you tell my parents please that they can't just put a club on my steering wheel? That's car theft, right?
Officer Brown: Yes, it would be car theft if your parents took your car without intention to return it to you, and it would be Unauthorized Use if they just took your car for a ride without your permission. That's not what's going on here. Jamie, I checked your car out and I don't see a current sticker on your license plate or a current inspection sticker on your windshield. You're looking at a pretty substantial fine if you get caught.
Teen: I know, I know already. I take my chances.
Mom: Yes, and we are taking our chances too. Officer Brown, Jamie just said that he would f&^% up our car if we don't take the Club off of his steering wheel.
Officer Brown: Oh Ohh. That's a threat to commit a crime. Jamie, did you mean it when you said that to your mother?
Teen: I was just mad. I didn't mean it.
Officer Brown: I'm glad to hear that Jamie because now that you and your mother have gone on record about this threat, if anything happens to their car while it sits at home you're going to be number one suspect and I might have to come back and charge you with Criminal Mischief, 18 Pa. 3304. If the damage is over 5,000.00 it is a Felony of the 3rd Degree and it is a Misdemeanor of the 2nd Degree if the damage is over 1,000.00. It's a Misdemeanor of the 3rd Degree if the damage is over 150.00. For example, a new paint job if required to fix the damage can easily put the charge at over 1000.00.
Teen: Tell them they can't put a club on my damn car.
Officer Brown: Parents have not just a right, but a responsibility to take action to keep their children safe and also disciplined. But if you want a hearing on this, I'm in court this Monday before Magistrate Smith, and I'm sure you can come down and talk to him about whether you parents have the right to stop you from driving your car and violating the law. You can argue that it's your right to violate the law and drive your illegal car.
Teen: Oh yeah, sure that makes sense! [rich with sarcasm and rolling of the eyes].
Officer Brown: One last thing Jame; your parents have told me about how you get mad and put holes in the walls. They get scared when this happens of course and you threaten to kill them and say all kinds of stuff that I'm sure you don't mean. That would be Criminal Mischief and we already talked about that, but it's also Terroristic Threats. 18 2706. Under subsection (a) [Officer Brown is reading this] this constitutes a misdemeanor of the first degree unless the threat causes the occupants of the building, place of assembly or facility of public transportation to be diverted from their normal or customary operations, in which case the offense constitutes a felony of the third degree. Also, Terroristic Threats is a charge to which it is incumbent upon the officer to request admission to Shuman Center if he believes that there is a real threat and that somebody might get hurt. I just thought you should know that.
Teen: I'm not going to cause any trouble. But I need to get to work. Mom, can't you loan me the money to get my car inspected and my insurance reinstated?
Mom: Jamie, if you can pass a urine screen and begin to treat dad and I with respect we will consider helping you out. If not, then no, we don't even want you driving.
Officer Brown: You mean you suspect that Jamie is using illegal substances?
Teen: That's it. I'm moving out.
Officer Brown: [looking at mom] At your request Ma'am, I can come back with the drug dog and we can see what Rover thinks of Jamie's' room.
[Jamie walks out in a huff towards his room]
Let's call this second type of boundary, a Peremptory Boundary because it preempts some type of trouble and shows the teenager that you mean business in addition to telling him that you mean business. In a way it can be seen as the act of a desperate parent who knows that he has lost a great deal of power.
On paper Conditional might be better than Peremptory. It is generally good to discuss consequences ahead of time. It is certainly a good thing to discuss expectations ahead of time. However, when a teenager has taken so much power that he is calling all the shots, then Peremptory makes more sense because your teenager isn't going to believe you when you use Conditional anyway.
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In our most recent PSST parents' support group meeting, we talked about how easy it is to let our fears and worries about our addicted children consume us, dominating our thoughts and conversations to the point that we are driving ourselves (and possibly our partners) crazy with fear and worry. One of the parents said that she is actively working on taking back her own life by “stopping the obsession”. We were reminded of how the airlines tell passengers that in the event of an emergency, they should put on their own oxygen masks before putting on the masks for their children. As parents of addicts, we need to take care of ourselves by changing our internal and external dialog.
Click here to read an article about Obsessions and Addiction, written by Darlene Lancer (speaker, writer, therapist). Below are quotes from the article that highlight the dangers of uncontrolled obsessing:
When an obsession dominates us, it steals our will and saps all the pleasure out of life.
Obsessions can paralyze us . . . We lose touch with ourselves, our feelings, and our ability to reason and solve problems.
The more we’re obsessed about someone else, the more of ourselves we lose.
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