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Quote of the Week
"If I cannot do great things, I can do small things in a great way" ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.
Sometimes the wisdom of PSST just pops into your head. And of course the opposite is also true –
sometimes it doesn’t. But when it does,
if really feels good.
Son: Maxine gave me
this gift card for my graduation. Would
you give me cash for the gift card?
Mom: No, Maxine gave
that to you specifically because you said you wanted clothes from Macy’s. She would have bought you the clothes herself
if she thought she could have picked something you would like.
Son: That’s what
makes me so mad. You & Dad always
want to control how I spend my money!
Mom: What do you want
to do with it?
Son: I need it for
cigarettes and food from McDonald’s.
Mom: I'm not comfortable with that.
Son: Well it’s my
gift card and I can do what I want with it.
Mom: (pausing &
thinking before responding) You’re
right, it is your gift card, and I can’t control what you do with it. What you have to think about is the next time you see Maxine, and she asks what you bought with that gift card, whether you will be proud to say that you spent it on cigarettes and fast food.
Son: So you’ll give
me the cash for it?
Mom: No, I won’t do
that.
Son: (fuming
silently)
Fast forward to the next morning . . .
Son: Will you take me
to Macy’s this morning? I want to buy
some clothes.
Read More......
What adolescence does to adolescents
is nowhere near as brutal as what it does to their parents.
This is a fascinating
article, whether you agree with the premise or not – many of the points will
surely hit home with parents of teenagers.
I’ve included a few excerpts from the article below. For the full article from New York Magazine, click here. The article includes an extended
excerpt from All Joy and No Fun: The Paradox of
Modern Parenthood, by Jennifer Senior, to be
published on January 28 by Ecco, an imprint of HarperCollins Publishers.
Thanks to Mary Canary for sharing this article.
Is it possible that adolescence is most difficult—and sometimes a
crisis—not for teenagers as much as for the adults who raise them? That
adolescence has a bigger impact on adults than it does on kids? . . . it could simply be that the advent of the
modern childhood, a fully protected childhood, is especially problematic for
parents as their children get older. Keeping teenagers sheltered and regimented
while they’re biologically evolving into adults and pining for autonomy can
have exhausting consequences. The contemporary home becomes a place of
perpetual liminal tension, with everyone trying to work out whether adolescents
are grown-ups or kids. Whatever the answer—and it is usually not obvious—the
question generates stress, and it’s often the parents, rather than the
children, who suffer most.
The conventional wisdom about parenting adolescents is that it’s a repeat of the
toddler years, dominated by a cranky, hungry, rapidly growing child who’s
precocious and selfish by turns. But in many ways the struggles that mothers
and fathers face when their children hit puberty are the opposite. When
children are small, all parents crave is a little time and space for
themselves; now they find themselves wishing their children liked their company
more and would at least treat them with respect, if adoration is too much to
ask. After years of feeling needed by
their children—and experiencing their children’s love as almost inseparable
from that need—mothers and fathers now find it impossible to get their kids’
attention.
If adolescents are more combative, less amenable to direction, and underwhelmed by
adult company, it stands to reason that the tension from these new developments
would spill over into their parents’ marriages. This strife is by no means
preordained. But overall, researchers have concluded that marital-satisfaction
levels do drop once a couple’s firstborn child enters puberty. As children become adolescents, their
parents’ arguments also increasingly revolve around who the child is, or is
becoming. These arguments can be especially tense if the child screws up. “One
parent is the softie, and the other’s the disciplinarian,” says Christensen.
Here's what may
be most powerful about adolescence, from a parent’s perspective: It forces them
to contemplate themselves as much as they contemplate their own children.
Toddlers and elementary-school children may cause us to take stock of our
choices, too, of course. But it’s adolescents, usually, who stir up our most
self-critical feelings. It’s adolescents who make us wonder who we’ll be and
what we’ll do with ourselves once they don’t need us. It’s adolescents who
reflect back at us, in proto-adult form, the sum total of our parenting
decisions and make us wonder whether we’ve done things right.
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A New Beginning
Posted by:Jenn--Monday, January 13, 2014
It has been 4 long years for our family, starting when Dylan
was 13.
Entering into his teenage years, Dylan had become
nonfunctional. He stopped going to school, refused to follow anyone’s rules, used
marijuana, and drank alcohol. He showed escalating verbal defiance and physical
aggression toward teachers, police, administrators, and his parents. His marijuana use and aggression brought him
into court on Act 53 and simple assault charges; the judge ordered him into
placement.
Dylan’s placement career has been very rocky. He had several unsuccessful offsite visits
and home passes with his family, two attempts at running away from placement,
one escape from home for a week, explosive behavior outbursts that once
resulted in a broken hand and another time in a sprained toe, insubordination and
attempts to assault peers/staff, and painful rejections of his parents. Dylan made his way through 5 different
placements in 3 years.
Dylan’s most recent placement brought about many positive
changes. Undoubtedly he is more mature
now, and that’s an important factor, but we also credit the various placements,
probation, and therapists for providing him with counseling and support that he
needed. As he got closer to high school
graduation, Dylan began showing regret that his high school years had passed
him by, and that all those potentially exciting milestones had slipped through
his fingers, never to be recaptured. At
some level, he seems to recognize that he bears some responsibility for his
situation.
For nearly a year, Dylan had been insisting that he would
never return again home to live with his family, but then abruptly began to
change his tune. He made the difficult
decision to graduate from high school at his current placement, and then did
what was necessary to make that happen.
He began to look forward to graduation and to post-secondary schooling
plans. He had 3 successful 3-day home
passes between Thanksgiving and Christmas, where he was able to demonstrate an
ability to accept frustration/disappointment, and to treat his family with
respect. We also saw glimpses of old
behaviors, such as how he chafes under authority.
Just as Dylan has been changing, we (his parents) have been
changing too. We have tried to
understand our family dynamics better, recognize what is in our power to change
and what is not, avoid the temptations to debate or lecture Dylan, model the
mature interactions that we’d like our son to emulate, and temper our
expectations of perfection. I have to emphasize
the word “tried”, since we are not always as successful as we’d like. During Dylan’s home passes, we saw glimpses
of some of our own weaknesses, such as struggling with the right balance
between being flexible and being enablers.
On Friday, Dylan was released by the court to come home. A new chapter in our lives is beginning. We are hopeful, while at the same time nervous
and anxious. We see the potential in our
son for a fantastic new beginning, along with the nagging fear that the
pressures of behaving appropriately, and of avoiding the lure of old friends
& old habits, could be too much for him.
In PSST, we find hope, guidance and support from a caring
group of people –not only from the dedicated, insightful probation and
therapeutic professionals who faithfully support our family, but also from the
other parents who are similarly committed to saving their families. As we think about the past 3 years, once we
found PSST, we are reminded that the team has been there for us every step of
the way, through every hopeful sign and every heartbreak. They have given
us practical advice and guidance, guiding us through the options for getting
help for our son. The group has helped us to recognize how we can
continue to become wiser, stronger parents.
We are grateful that we are not taking this journey alone.
Jenn & Brad
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Type rest of the post here
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"Happy New Year”, Roxie declares to the parents of PSST!
I hope some of you have obtained humorous, as well as understanding insights into my family from my writings last year; while others may have become
bored as bed bugs tolerating the sadistic saga of Roxie and Lenny. I was a mom
trying to change a son who considers ‘change’ as a form of currency to cop
Copenhagen snuff. I have appreciated the opportunity to express myself with a
venue of parents who love their kids and pray for their sobriety. Many concepts,
methods, and communicative techniques from PSST worked when Lenny was a younger
lad.
He’s taller now, very muscular, bull-headed, and determined to continue his death-defying drug abuse lifestyle more than ever before. I am no longer
the mommy playing table tennis with him at rehab. Additionally, I am no match
against the demonic drugs and alcohol that made my son resemble a madman. Drug abuse’s effect on my entire family was
like being stampeded by wild stallions with sharp hooves, while lying face up
on a trail with our eyes wide open and arms at our sides.
I thank my Higher Power that the dust finally settled, the wounds I received are slowly scabbing
over, and my eyesight has become intuitively insightful - 20/20. Unknowingly, all
family members play their own dysfunctional role in an alcoholic household. It
is unfortunate. The only person who missed his role-play at my house was my
older son who married while in college, and moved out before Lenny let loose.
Coincidentally, the Chinese New Year for 2014 is designated as the Year of the Horse. Roxie’s is out of the saddle at the ‘Not’ OK Corral, and Lightning Lenny has no one to ride him while chomping at the bit. I have blogged about letting Lenny go so many times that even I became tired of the horse
manure. Lenny would not move out and the situation needed to change. I looked
in the mirror and realized that I did not need to let Lenny go. I needed the
courage to change myself and leave the Corral.
Paradoxically, as Lenny was helping me shove my clothes in the backseat and trunk of my car, he said, “Don’t forget to stop by sometime. And when you do, bring a case of water ‘cause I’m always dehydrated.”
We can lead our teen colts to water, but we cannot make them drink from
parents’ washbasin of wisdom.
May your new year be happy, blessed, and calm. Personally,
I am determined to ‘choose’ to be happy, although I am still going to miss my family. Through the support of many friends and a dear mom, I hope to be blessed enough not to be too stressed. There is a calmness that came to rest on my life after I left, for I had been praying about ‘when to leave’ for months. ‘Tis not through my strength that I’ve come this far, for to God be the glory.
“For the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: 'If today were the last
day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?' And whenever the
answer has been 'No' for too many days in a row, I know I need to change
something.”
– Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple
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Thanks to Mary Canary for sharing this article.
A new study suggests that heavy marijuana use in the teenage years could damage brain structures vital to memory and reasoning. Although the results of the study do not provide proof of a cause-&-effect relationship, they raise valid concerns for parents of teenagers.
“We see that adolescents are at a very vulnerable stage neurodevelopmentally,” said lead researcher Matthew Smith of the Northwestern University Feinberg School of Medicine in Chicago. “And if you throw stuff into the brain that’s not supposed to be there, there are long-term implications for their development.”
For the full article, click here.
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TEENAGERS LOVE TO PARTY – especially during the holidays. Often alcohol is involved. Some parents think that hosting their teenager’s party in the home will keep the kids out of trouble. You may not understand that it’s illegal, unsafe and unhealthy for anyone under age 21 to drink alcohol in Pennsylvania?
See this recent article about a father facing charges after his son's party leads to a drunk driving death.
Here are the facts: If you make alcohol available at teenager parties, you can be prosecuted. If you allow teen drinking parties in your home, you can be prosecuted. So parents, please protect yourselves and your kids — don’t be a party to teenage drinking. Do your part to help make this holiday season safe for everybody.
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Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.
We thought our teenager was snug in his bed,
Or listening to his music, ear phones stuck on his head.
And mamma in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled our brains for a long winter’s nap.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.
The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow
Gave the luster of mid-day to objects below.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But my teenage son and some friends he holds dear.
From experience I knew what was happening quick,
I knew in a moment stealing our car was his trick.
More rapid than than eagles I ran outside to our lane.
I cursed him, yelled and called my son a bad name!
“Now Son, what the hell! You have no permission
To drive our car with your friends or with this vixen!
For I could see that his new girlfriend was tall,
And very cute to my eyes, then my son cried, “run-a-way all!”
The car had been wrecked for my eyes did not lie
When I saw that the windshield was crushed and my son was all high!
So I rang 911, the emergency number I knew,
And soon there were police cars with blinking lights too.
And then, in a twinkling, I looked for the proof
Inside I saw beer bottles (and a bag of weed left on the roof.)
My son looked awful loaded and as he was turning around,
He saw that I was the one who had called the cops down.
His anger was plain from his head to his foot
as he gave me his most threatening look.
But I didn't care about any of his threats
because I knew that he had just bet his last bet.
His eyes – how red and blood shot they looked,
His cheeks were flushed and his red nose looked cooked!
His droll little mouth stunk with alcohol
yet still, he looked over at me and he called…
“Hey Dad, please tell the cops to go away,
You know I’ll be good - tomorrow’s Christmas Day!”
But the stump of a weed pipe he held tight in his teeth,
The cop noticed it and said, "I’ll take that please!"
“You’re under arrest- and your rights I will tell,
But you are on your way straight to Shuman, the teenager-Jail."
He spoke lots more words as he went about his work.
He cuffed my son and his friends and then he called them all jerks.
He confiscated the weed, the beer, and the blow-
Giving a nod, the cop said “It’s time to go.”
The police lights were flashing, the teenagers crying;
I knew my son was safer in jail than outside of jail dying.
My son put his head out the window and pleaded,
“Just one more chance, Dad, I know I can beat this
addiction and This time I won’t let you down.
Please, don’t let the cops take me downtown!
I sprang to my senses and searched for the words that were best,
“Happy Christmas to all, and to all -NEVERTHELESS!”
(Happy Christmas to all PSST parents both near and far and thanks for your support all year long. Without you all there is no PSST ;-)
(Written by Clement C. Moore and Lloyd Woodward and reprinted from 2009 PSST BLOG)
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Thanks to Mary Canary for sharing the
following information.
The
following principles of effective drug addiction treatment were issued by the
National Institute on Drug Abuse (part of the National Institutes of Health,
which is under the US Dept of Health and Human Services). Although many PSST parents are already aware
of many of these principles, there are some good reminders here about the
complexities of drug addiction and its treatment.
Principles of Effective Drug
Addiction Treatment
1.
Addiction is a complex but treatable
disease that affects brain function and behavior.
Drugs of abuse alter the brain’s structure and function, resulting in changes
that persist long after drug use has ceased. This may explain why drug abusers
are at risk for relapse even after long periods of abstinence and despite the
potentially devastating consequences.
2.
No single treatment is appropriate for
everyone. Treatment varies depending on the type of drug and
the characteristics of the patients. Matching treatment settings,
interventions, and services to an individual’s particular problems and needs is
critical to his or her ultimate success in returning to productive functioning
in the family, workplace, and society.
3.
Treatment needs to be readily available.
Because drug-addicted individuals may be uncertain about entering treatment,
taking advantage of available services the moment people are ready for treatment
is critical. Potential patients can be lost if treatment is not immediately
available or readily accessible. As with other chronic diseases, the earlier
treatment is offered in the disease process, the greater the likelihood of
positive outcomes.
4.
Effective treatment attends to multiple needs of the individual, not just his or her drug abuse.
To be effective, treatment must address the individual’s drug abuse and any associated medical, psychological, social, vocational, and legal problems. It is also important that treatment be appropriate to the individual’s age, gender, ethnicity, and culture.
5.
Remaining in treatment for an adequate period of time is critical. The appropriate duration for an individual depends on the type and degree of the patient’s problems and needs. Research indicates that most addicted individuals need at least 3 months in treatment to significantly reduce or stop their drug use and that the best outcomes occur with longer durations of treatment. Recovery from drug addiction is a long-term process and frequently requires multiple episodes of treatment. As with other chronic illnesses, relapses to drug abuse can occur and should signal a need for treatment to be reinstated or adjusted. Because individuals often leave treatment prematurely, programs should include strategies to engage and keep patients in treatment.
6. Behavioral therapies—including individual, family, or group counseling—are the most commonly used forms of drug abuse treatment. Behavioral therapies vary in their focus and may involve addressing a patient’s motivation to change, providing incentives for abstinence, building skills to resist drug use, replacing drug-using activities with constructive and rewarding activities, improving problem-solving skills, and facilitating better interpersonal relationships. Also, participation in group therapy and other peer support programs during and following treatment can help maintain abstinence.
7. Medications are an important element of treatment for many patients, especially when combined with counseling and other behavioral therapies. For example, methadone, buprenorphine, and naltrexone (including a new long-acting formulation) are effective in helping individuals addicted to heroin or other opioids stabilize their lives and reduce their illicit drug use. Acamprosate, disulfiram, and naltrexone are medications approved for treating alcohol dependence. For persons addicted to nicotine, a nicotine replacement product (available as patches, gum, lozenges, or nasal spray) or an oral medication (such as bupropion or varenicline) can be an effective component of treatment when part of a comprehensive behavioral treatment program.
8. An individual's treatment and services plan must be assessed continually and modified as necessary to ensure that it meets his or her changing needs. A patient may require varying combinations of services and treatment components during the course of treatment and recovery. In addition to counseling or psychotherapy, a patient may require medication, medical services, family therapy, parenting instruction, vocational rehabilitation, and/or social and legal services. For many patients, a continuing care approach provides the best results, with the treatment intensity varying according to a person’s changing needs.
9. Many drug-addicted individuals also have other mental disorders. Because drug abuse and addiction—both of which are mental disorders—often co-occur with other mental illnesses, patients presenting with one condition should be assessed for the other(s). And when these problems co-occur, treatment should address both (or all), including the use of medications as appropriate.
10. Medically assisted detoxification is only the first stage of addiction treatment and by itself does little to change long-term drug abuse. Although medically assisted detoxification can safely manage the acute physical symptoms of withdrawal and can, for some, pave the way for effective long-term addiction treatment, detoxification alone is rarely sufficient to help addicted individuals achieve long-term abstinence. Thus, patients should be encouraged to continue drug treatment following detoxification. Motivational enhancement and incentive strategies, begun at initial patient intake, can improve treatment engagement.
11. Treatment does not need to be voluntary to be effective. Sanctions or enticements from family, employment settings, and/or the criminal justice system can significantly increase treatment entry, retention rates, and the ultimate success of drug treatment interventions.
12. Drug use during treatment must be monitored continuously, as lapses during treatment do occur. Knowing their drug use is being monitored can be a powerful incentive for patients and can help them withstand urges to use drugs. Monitoring also provides an early indication of a return to drug use, signaling a possible need to adjust an individual’s treatment plan to better meet his or her needs.
13. Treatment programs should test patients for the presence of HIV/AIDS, hepatitis B and C, tuberculosis, and other infectious diseases as well as provide targeted risk-reduction counseling, linking patients to treatment if necessary. Typically, drug abuse treatment addresses some of the drug-related behaviors that put people at risk of infectious diseases. Targeted counseling focused on reducing infectious disease risk can help patients further reduce or avoid substance-related and other high-risk behaviors. Counseling can also help those who are already infected to manage their illness. Moreover, engaging in substance abuse treatment can facilitate adherence to other medical treatments. Substance abuse treatment facilities should provide onsite, rapid HIV testing rather than referrals to offsite testing—research shows that doing so increases the likelihood that patients will be tested and receive their test results. Treatment providers should also inform patients that highly active antiretroviral therapy (HAART) has proven effective in combating HIV, including among drug-abusing populations, and help link them to HIV treatment if they test positive.
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I am very sorry I didn't think to post this earlier :-(
However, Valerie, Julie and I are not permitted by County Policy to accept gifts. It's very difficult to say "No" because we do not want to offend and also because we appreciate our thoughtful and appreciative PSST parents. We are in a tight spot here so please be considerate and don't offer us anything. I believe that Wesley Spectrum has a similar policy so don't be offended if none of the fine Wesley Spectrum Family Therapists won't accept gifts either.
All of us want you all to know that the best gift that you can give us is just your presence at our meetings. Also, many of you have your ways of showing us that you appreciate us all year long. That's one of the reasons that we are so lucky! We know that you appreciate us. We appreciate you all as well. :-)
Just be there if and when you can -that's the best gift of all!
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Bright Ideas?!
Posted by:Jenn--Thursday, December 05, 2013
Bright Ideas with Deadly Consequences
by Roxie
Lenny and I have a cordial relationship while he decides if and when he should enroll in a halfway house or the military. Both are illusions. He still lives at the house, works part-time at McDonald’s, and I call the police for his drunken behavior when required. I was hesitantly hopeful that he would enter a drug rehab program, until my Lowe’s light bulb pack was tampered with.
I prefer bright light, so I searched stores for 100-watt bulbs to brighten the dark, overcast environment of my home. After using three bulbs out of a 10-pack, I realized there were none remaining in a two-week period. Questioning Lenny brought about numerous defensive answers. I conclude that he involved himself and friends in smoking illegal substances out of the bulbs.
After investigating, I found that broken light bulbs are used for smoking crystal meth and crack. The light
bulb serves as the conduit to heat up for inhaling the drugs. What techniques
and chemically engineered drugs will they come up with next? Recently Wilma, a
PSST parent, shared her discovery that today’s ‘ear-wax’ marijuana can be as
potent as 90% THC, a mind-altering / hallucinogenic property that can have a
deadly effect on brain receptors (see highly-potent-ear-wax-marijuana-concerns-health-officials for more information).
Back
in my day of the 1970’s, other drugs used for colorfully created delusions were
mushrooms and mescaline. The mushroom spores can be purchased today online and
mescaline (aka peyote) is available on Amazon.com in the Lawn and Garden
section.
Pun
intended, the availability and strength of the drugs today will knock our kids’
lights out permanently. As parents, we need to stay informed of the creative
ways our kids are getting high. We may not be able to stop them, but knowledge
gives us power and a slight edge in the awareness of products accessible in the
illegal drug market.
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TRANSFORMATION
Posted by:Jenn--Monday, December 02, 2013
 Transformation - written by Elizabeth
This is the story of a young girl who struggles with addiction.
The mother (Elizabeth) had a strained relationship with her youngest daughter Gwen. As you see, without professional help, addiction tears families apart. Gwen was in placement with hopes of getting her high school diploma. Family visits were allowed every two weeks. During those visits, Elizabeth and Gwen would work on art projects and play games while getting reacquainted. Elizabeth was very thankful to be part of Gwen's recovery. She feared for her very beautiful – as Gwen's probation officer put it, “movie star beautiful” – daughter's life. Elizabeth prayed for God and Jesus to present themselves to Gwen, Elizabeth knowing this to be very possible.
After one particular
Saturday visit, Elizabeth needed time to gather her thoughts. She pulled over along
a stream in one of Pennsylvania's National Forests. Elizabeth parked her car, and
then looked up. She couldn't believe she
was seeing hundreds of Tiger Swallowtail butterflies pouring from between the
trees like a waterfall. The butterflies surrounded her car. She got out of her car and watched the
butterflies fly towards the sun in a beam of sunlight. Forty or more swallowtails
remained, while Elizabeth watched them dwindle down to two. Then, Elizabeth "Got
It." Gwen was going to be more than
just OK, and as Gwen now knows and accepts, she is on the earth for a great
purpose!
Before Elizabeth could
tell Gwen of her experience, Gwen had found the same type of swallowtail in the
greenhouse and sent it to her Mom. (A
mere coincidence? Elizabeth doesn’t
think so!)
Gwen recently received
her high school diploma. As a graduation gift, Elizabeth wrote her this story
and presented her daughter with a hand-made pendant with a Tiger Swallowtail
wing inside, created by an artist in San Francisco. Just as caterpillars transform
into beautiful butterflies, Gwen has transformed into a courageous young woman.
This is a true story and a
testament to the power of God's love.
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Originally Posted by:Sally -- Thursday, November 18, 2010
 Sometimes life is difficult. We face many challenges and disappointments that we may find hard to accept. If your child is in placement and there is a chance that he or she will not be home for the holidays it is enough to make you cry.
Our son, Cisco, is in placement and even though I am a seasoned PSST mom; (I have been attending meetings for well over a year) there are times when I let our situation get the best of me. That is okay, sometimes I need to work through the lonely feelings and being sad sometimes allows me to do this.
Our family has a thirty-three year old tradition of gathering together to select and chop down our Christmas tree. Cisco has always enjoyed this romp in the woods. I have many happy memories of him trekking up a glistening hillside along side his older brother. The snow softly falling and both boys so young and healthy ...... it felt like we were in the middle of a Norman Rockwell Poster.
I especially remember one warm but wet Christmas season when he fell in the creek and was muddy from head to toe but still wanted to go straight to dinner at a restaurant afterwards, that one puts a smile on my face too.
Cisco will not be there this year. How do we fill that void?
Our kids each have their own personal box of Christmas ornaments. Cisco will not be there when we decorate the tree to put all his special hand-made ornaments on it.
He will be missed.
The toughest thing at any time of the year is opening the door to his empty, all too quiet bedroom. I cannot even describe how lonely that makes me feel.
If your family cannot be together because of addiction do not let it ruin your holiday. That would be like letting the addiction win another round. Instead count your blessings.
The top five things I am grateful for:
1. I am thankful for Cisco. He is alive. He ran away from an adult facility six weeks ago. He has been very sensible and respectful ever since his return.
2. I am thankful for Rocco. Thankful that Rocco and I are working together on this disease that affects the whole family.
3. I am thankful for the support we get from our other son, Frodo and our daughter-in-law, Feona and all our extended family.
4. We are very thankful of our PSST friends who are always there for us and understand our highs and lows.
5. We are very thankful for Val, Lloyd, Kathie and all the experts from Juvenile Probation, Wesley Spectrum and Gateway who empower us.
All of these wonderful people in my life help fill the loneliness that occurs when my son is in placement. I think I will count all of these blessings twice.
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Happy Thanksgiving to all PSST parents everywhere! We love our parents at the meetings and also those of you who follow us on this blog and on our Yahoo Groups email.
Just a note to say that we fixed our search window. If you find anything interesting in our archives please post a comment to let us know what you found. I just put "Thankful" in the window and found the above post by Sally and I re-posted. The other day I put "Parent Rights" in the window and found a post that I wrote for July 4th 2012. It had been such a long time that I felt like I was reading someone else's post.
I stand behind that " Parent Rights" post but I couldn't help but notice that it says nothing of parent responsibilities. For example, of course it's a parent's right to disagree with experts (#12) and of course parents are really expert on their own children but what if a parents disagrees with most of the experts most of the time? What if a parent's disagreements with professionals undermines the treatment that a teenager is receiving in an inpatient program? Isn't it also a parent-responsibility to support rather than undermine the treatment that the teenager is there to receive? Sometimes Parent Rights and Parent Responsibilities collide.
For example, inpatient challenges the teen to take responsibility. In the beginning the teenager blames everyone else for his predicament. After a time in treatment he begins to see that he has played a role and that he has done that by making poor decisions. This is the sort of turn around we are hoping for and when the teenager stands up and says, "You know that's something that I have to change in myself," we all applaud!
It could very well be that the thing he glimpses that he needs to change is whether or not to continue to go through life as a victim!
For each of us there is plenty of evidence that we are victimized. We are victimized by so many situations and people on a daily basis: from the person who misinformed us about our new mortgage to the person at the grocery store who never should have bagged the bananas with the bleach!
Where does our responsibility come into it? We signed the mortgage so should we have known what we were signing? Should we have asked more questions? Maybe not but I'm just saying do we take the time to examine our role or are we eager to find someone to blame for each of our predicaments? Should we have watched the grocery person throw those two things into our bag? Perhaps that's something we expect not to have to worry about and yet, we are also there are we not?
Here's why this is so important. If we decide to go through life operating from a victim's stance then it becomes very difficult to change ourselves. Instead, we go through life trying to change everyone else and boy is that a frustrating endeavor! Once we decide to abandon our victim's stance, we begin to examine our role in things and that allows the spark that can start a blaze of self growth. Without that spark there is small chance for change.
As we have often said in this blog, one of the gifts that we can offer to our teenagers is good role-modeling. We will be imitated by our children. So, if we choose to act primarily as victims, we do little to help our teenager to grow up and become a responsible person. Raising responsible people, that's our job as parents and when we have our teen inpatient it's an ideal time to begin to become more responsible ourselves.
So, let's go back to disagreeing with the experts. Sure, we can and should do that; however, if we find that a couple of these experts are saying the same thing it should raise a questioning flag. Even if our opinion is that "they" are all incompetent and "they" are all wrong and we begin to feel like we know more than the psychiatrist, more than the family therapist, more than the social worker, more than the probation officer and more than the judge, then maybe it's time to realize that while we have the right to disagree with the experts we also have a responsibility to support the treatment that our teen is getting. If our disagreements range so large as to undermine the very treatment that our teen is getting and especially if our intervention continually reinforces the fact that our teen is a victim, that he isn't competent, and that he really can't do any better, then at the end of the day let's be thankful there are mirrors and let's find one and take a good look.
I am thankful that parents who attend PSST usually don't undermine the treatment that their teenager is in inpatient to receive! Happy Thanksgiving everyone!
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