A Quote by Samuel Clemens Posted by:Sally--Monday, March 19, 2012

At a recent office meeting I was talking with one our therapists about kids and sons in particular. She has three grown sons and shared this Mark Twain quote with me:

On the topic of raising teenagers, Mark Twain advised, “When a boy turns 13, put him in a barrel and feed him through a knot hole. When he turns 16, plug up the hole.”

I know many of us feel this way with our addicted teens! If we could just put them in a barrel maybe until they are in their twenties when hopefully they will have finally "gotten it" and then turn them loose in the world. Wilma

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It doesn't feel genuine. Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Where did I find this image?

I met with a PSST couple yesterday. We practised the "Agree with One or Two Things First" technique. The mother offered the best reason why more parents don't adopt this technique.

"I want to be genuine. This doesn't feel genuine."

That's right. This approach will not feel genuine. In fact, let's face it- it feels phony. I don't have a good response for that one.

Any approach that is new will feel phony. The only thing that is going to feel genuine is the same old approach. Add to that the fact that the " Agree with One or Two Things First " technique purposely leaves some things out of the conversation until later; then of course, it is going to feel phony.

Keep these two things in mind:

1. Keep to your boundaries. Don't mislead, don't over-agree. Just agree with a "slice" of what your teenager is saying and don't offer too much agreement if it would take you outside of your comfort zone.


For example, if he is pressuring you about letting him get a license and he is excited that he is turning 16, agree that being 16 is a BIG deal. Agree that driving is really fun. Agree if you believe it, that he will eventually become a good driver

If you're not sure about that last one, then don't offer it. Be careful however not to agree that he should get his license as soon as possible because unless you agree with that, it's not only phony but it's misleading and deceitful.

2. When you are pressured to give an answer- give one. That is the perfect time to not pull any punches. If you stick to your boundaries, what could be more genuine?

Teen: So, you're saying that I can get my license as soon as want to and that you'll help me get it?

Mom: Well, I'm not comfortable saying that.

Teen: Well that's what you just said!

Mom: I did?

Teen: Yeah, you said you were excited that I'm going to be 16 and you even said you think I'll be a good driver someday.

Mom: Right, I said that, you are correct.

Teen: So, that means you'll help me get a license right away, right?

Mom: Yes, I see you're point and it's a good one- if I'm agreeing with you that driving is fun, that you'll probably be a good driver, and that's it really big deal that you're turning 16 then why wouldn't I want you to get a license right away?

Teen: Yeah.

Mom: I'm sorry. I think I misled you. But I'm really happy that you are bringing this up so we can talk about it. I think it's important for me to be clear with you about this.

Teen: ok? So? what? Tell me already?

Mom: I have a little problem with this part.

Teen: What?

Mom: You're not going to like my answer because it's not the answer that you are looking for and we know that it's a big challenge for you to hear an answer that you don't like. Huge challenge especially because this driving thing is going to be so important for you.

Teen: I knew it. You were just lying! You'll never let me get a license no matter what I do. There's no sense in us talking about this anymore.

Mom: Yeah, this is going to be a tough one for you. Let's talk about it later- good idea.

Teen: I already know what you're going to say anyway.

Mom: Yes, I've noticed that.

Teen: Noticed what?

Mom: You're very good at predicting what your dad and I are going to say about things. You know us really well and even when we don't want to come right out and say something, maybe because we fear that it will upset you- you still do an excellent job of "reading" us.

Teen: See, I knew you wouldn't want me to drive right away when I turned 16.

Mom: You're right.- You probably know exactly why we feel that way too, I bet none of our reasons would surprise you.

In summary try to think of the "not genuine" issue as being more an issue of timing. You're just giving him the same information while you continue to agree with a lot of the stuff that he is saying- but your boundary is that you are Not Comfortable with him getting a license as soon as he turns 16 and that does not change.

3. Buy some time for yourself. You don't have to know exactly what to say as soon as your teen pressures you.

Teen: So, I can get my license and start driving as soon as I turn 16, right?

Mom: Wow! Good question. I'm not sure what to say about that one.

Teen: What does that mean?

Mom: Well, you just surprised with that question, that's all.

Teen: Why? You know I'm going to be 16 soon?

Mom: I wasn't even thinking about that- I mean with you being in placement the last ten months, and soon you're going to be transferring to a halfway house, I just didn't even think that was an issue at the top of the list.

Teen: Well, it is for me.

Mom: Yeah, well I see that now.

Teen: I think it would be good for me too.

Mom: How's that?

Teen: Well, if I have something to look forward to like driving my own car,I could probably behave better and, you know, I could stay off drugs better if thought you'd take my car off me if I used.

Mom: Oh, so what you're saying is that if you had your own car and license and all that you think that would be the answer to a lot of the troubles we've been having?

Teen: Yep. So can I?

Mom: Oh I really don't know about all that, but what you say is interesting and I have to tell you son, I have never looked at it that way before.

Teen: What do you mean?

Mom: Well, I've only thought of you driving as another problem-area; I've never ever thought of you having a car as a solution.

Teen: So, I can do it then, right?

Mom: You want an answer right now on that?

Teen: Yeah.

Mom: Just like that?

Teen: Just like that. I'm tired of having to wait all the time for answers.

Mom: It's true. It's seems like most of the time all the adults in your life are saying, "I'll get back to you on that one." That's got to be frustrating.

Teen: It is. So, just tell me already.

Mom: OK, well [moving in closer and lowing her voice.] As much as I like your courage for even suggesting that you driving a car right away could be an answer to our problems, I'd have to say it would be a cold day in hell before we ran out, bought you a car, and helped you get a license." Ok? That straight up enough for you?

Teen: Why not? Give me one good reason?

Mom: Ok. But you are so good at reading us you probably know what I'm going to say.

Teen: You're going to say I have to prove that i'm responsible first before you trust me with all that responsibility of driving a car.

Mom: Wow!

Teen: Wow what?

Mom: You just said it better than I could. Nice going. You just surprised me again!

Teen: I'm not stupid.

Mom: No, I completely agree Son; for all things you might be, stupid is NOT one of them.

Note: all this started because Mom said, "I'm not sure what to say." It's OK to not know what to say all the time and while we parents feel that way a lot, we rarely say it to our teenagers. Now, ask yourself, what could be more genuine? Also, it's a paradoxical thing that as soon as you say, "I'm not sure what to say about that" a response starts forming in your brain and soon you have lots to say about that!

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Marijuana and its Synthetic Counterparts: A Look at a New Study - Sarit Rogers Posted by:Rocco--Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Marijuana and its Synthetic Counterparts: A Look at a New Study
© Copyright 2012 VISIONSTEEN.COM

- Sarit Rogers of Visions Adolescent Treatment Centers

Click here to go to Visions Blog

- December 21st, 2011 - Part one of a three-part blog, wherein I will begin to address the use of marijuana and synthetic marijuana. Stay tuned for parts 2 and 3, where I will address the increase in prescription drug and hookah use.

Recent studies elicited by Monitoring the Future (MTF) show a decrease in alcohol consumption and tobacco use; at the same time, they found an increase in the use of alternate tobacco products (hookah, small cigars, smokeless tobacco), marijuana, and prescription drugs.

One explanation for the increase in marijuana consumption is a lower perceived risk:

“In recent years, fewer teens report seeing much danger associated with its use, even with regular use.”

The call to legalize marijuana has also contributed to this new perception by extinguishing some of the associated stigma.

As a result, we are seeing a denial of risk and a decline in disapproval amongst our adolescent counterparts. There seems to be a viable change in societal norms occurring at the adolescent level.

No longer is marijuana use relegated to the “losers,” but rather it is now part and parcel to one’s normative social interactions with anyone, regardless of socio-economic status.

With the advent of synthetic marijuana, the perception of danger has been further clouded by the sheer fact that these synthetic substances can be purchased almost anywhere. The surge in the use of synthetic marijuana products like Spice and K2 has created a maelstrom of reported symptoms which include:

- paranoia

- loss of consciousness

- hallucinations

- psychotic episodes

We currently see more and more kids coming into treatment with a history of Spice and K2 use. And Gil Kerlikoeske, Director of the White House Office of National Drug Control Policy (ONDCP) points out that, “Poison control center data across America has shown a substantial rise in the number of calls from victims suffering serious consequences from these synthetic drugs.”

Currently, the House has voted on a ban of synthetic drugs like Spice, K2, bath salts, et cetera, asking that it be added to the “highly restrictive Schedule 1 of the Controlled Substances Act.” So far, approximately 40 states have passed laws which criminalize Spice and other synthetic substances.

Whether banned or not, there needs to be open dialogue about Spice and K2 and its various counterparts. These synthetics are popping up faster than the DEA can regulate them, proving that the drug environment is changing before our eyes.

As such, it’s imperative we stay fluent in the language of our teens, and the social environments in which they operate.

We all know the “thrill of the high” is often associated with the verboten nature of its purchase and consumption. Open dialogue removes the mystery, and frankly, it’s not enough to rely upon the justice system to provide the answers.

© Copyright 2012 VISIONSTEEN.COM

Click here to go to Visions Blog

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Message Found on Cisco's Facebook Posted by:Sally--Sunday, March 11, 2012

A MESSAGE FROM CISCO

I asked our son Cisco's permission to post this message that he has on his Face Book account.

There were many times when I felt so hopeless while my son was in a deep addiction. I write this to give hope to any who are struggling. If you have been following Cisco's story on this blog you are aware of what we have been through over the last five years.

Cisco is working a good recovery program and attends about five meetings a week. He has a steady job and a calmer and happier disposition. He is saving his money instead of squandering it on drugs. Keep fighting the good fight. And I will keep hoping and praying that good fortune comes to your home also.

Cisco's Message posted on Facebook: Monday, January 30, 2012 at 12:29am: ·

What drugs did for me was at first make me laugh make me feel calm and make me feel cool.

At the end drugs got me arrested, locked up, sent to over 20 rehabs, in shackles, hallucinating, thinking i was possessed, putting my hands on my family and one girlfriend, stealing off of work and everyone else, 2 near death intentional overdoses, cutting myself, breaking everything, dropping out of school, suspended and expelled, on house arrest, probation for 3 years, selling heroin to get more, homeless, sleeping in a car some nights, ANGER AND DEPRESSION, paranoid schizophrenia, suicidal thoughts and actions, loss of good friends, many funerals, no money, guns in my face, my mother calling me a crackhead, spending 3 birthdays in institutions, retail thefts, D.U.I. and a hit and run, aggravated assault, possession with intent to sell etc. , psych wards, crawling on the floor looking for crack, spending holidays locked up, hate in me, but most of all..realizing drugs will never let me be normal.

Staying clean (priceless)

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Destructive Teens - Article submitted by Brigette Posted by:Sally--Sunday, March 11, 2012

Destructive Teens

Below is a helpful article from the Empowering Parents website. It's a topic many of us (unfortunately) can relate to. I've only included the first paragraph for copyright reasons, but you can follow the link to their website to read the entire article.

Is Your Defiant Child Damaging or Destroying Property?
by Kim Abraham LMSW and Marney Studaker-Cordner LMSW

Kicking holes in the wall. Breaking and throwing things. Smashing in the windshield on your car. Most of us never expect to face these behaviors from our children, and certainly not when our child is “old enough to know better.”

If you have a child who purposely destroys family property out of anger or spiteful, vengeful reasons, you naturally feel a variety of hurtful and negative emotions. It feels like a punch in the stomach.

First comes shock—how can my child be doing this to me?

Anger, resentment and guilt follow: What did I do wrong for my child to end up like this? If you’re like other parents in this situation, you probably also take an aching heart to bed with you every night.

The fact is, your child is having a problem coping with strong emotions. This is their “cope of choice” right now, which is self-destructive in the long run.

So why do they cope by damaging things when they’re angry or upset, and what can we do to teach our child healthy boundaries and limits?

How can we motivate a child in this situation to develop healthier, more mature coping skills? Kim Abraham, MSW and Marney Studaker-Cordner, MSW, creators of the ODD Lifeline, explain how.

Click HERE to go to Empowering Parents Link

Brigitte

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Facing Fear - by Wilma Posted by:Jenn--Saturday, March 10, 2012

Last week at the PSST meeting one of our wise and seasoned fathers said that we should not be afraid of being in our own homes. He is right of course, but here I am dreading going home. Bam Bam, by the way, is back on home detention.

Last night Fred and I both heard a crash in Bam Bam's room and when I checked with him, he told me it was his chair. He then went to Fred and said he dropped a plate and was glad it didn't break. OK, plausible. THEN he tells me he is not feeling well, doesn't want to take his medications so he doesn't throw up, and that he is so hot he is going to open his bedroom window for cool air. Meanwhile he has shoes on because he says his feet are cold. What?? How about two pairs of socks?!

I go into his bedroom to check on the situation, as when he first was on home detention, we suspected that his friends were throwing things to him through the open window. Fred had bolted the screen in place and put the storm window back. Well, I checked and the window is open and the screen is cut. I get Fred and he notices there is a broken window pane in the regular window, and the storm window is on the floor along with broken glass from the other window. Bam claims the storm window fell out. Hmm, this sucker is tough to get in and out – wonder how it "just" fell out?? I am completely suspicious and Bam Bam is claiming complete innocence. His story is that maybe someone tried to break in. Well, the burglar would need a ladder to get in this window, and there is no evidence of a ladder being under the window, and no reports from neighbors of suspicious activity. Also, there would have been a lot more noise breaking in.

This morning Fred tells me his theory, which I agree with, and I am so glad we agree on something. We think Bam was planning on having somebody throw drugs, tobacco, or alcohol to him through the open window either last night or today (no school). Well, Bam was so upset last night at being unfairly accused that he told me he was going outside to smoke a cigarette to calm down. He's on home detention and not allowed out! (We have a no smoking rule in the house and no kids smoking on our property). I told him he wasn't going out, we had the deadbolts key locked and the security system on. And if he went out I was calling his PO and EHM. Then he was threatening to smoke in the house, but eventually took his meds and went to bed. I thought for sure he would try to break down the door or break something else, but he didn't.

Today Fred calls to tell me a kid I'll call Skylar shows up at our house, telling Fred he wants to see Bam as Bam owes him money. Fred tells him Bam can't have visitors and that he isn't giving him any money. Skylar tells Fred that Bam owes him money for an Xbox game, but Bam hasn't had a game system in almost a year. Bam tells Fred it is for weed, which I believe is what the debt is really for. The kid leaves. I asked Fred if the kid threatened him and he said no. However, my friends at work point out that this kid could have had a weapon - drugs and money equals trouble.

Now I'm worried this might not be an isolated incident. We think Bam owes many people money, and with him being on house arrest and NO job, he has no way to pay. This is the first time we have had someone be so bold as to come to the house asking for money owed by Bam Bam. And money is a huge problem with Bam Bam. He always needs it, will do work for Fred to get it, and I am tired of him using this money for drugs, alcohol and tobacco and not for normal teenage spending on fast food, dates, school activities, etc. It is a weekly, almost daily argument, so this week I told Bam he is getting no more cash from us. Well, he wasn't listening so well because he asks EVERY DAY. I did use the "if you have to ask me again" yesterday and of course that p!$$@$$ him off. But I can't stand going home and having him start AGAIN. I left the house one night for two hours to get away from him!

I am afraid that he is going to get out of control and escalate beyond what he has done in the past because he is not going to get his way. Now I fear having drug dealers showing up at my house. I will, however, call the police if I have to with no qualms – but what the he!!, why should have to worry about that? I resent the fact that I can't relax in my own home.

Bam is going to be 18 in a few months. Until then, unless something happens, I am going to do what I can to help him. However, once he is an "adult", and if he cannot live by our rules, then he is going to have to live somewhere else by his own rules. And I hope I'm strong enough to follow through.

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Is it Water? Or is it Vodka? - by Wilma Posted by:Jenn--Saturday, March 10, 2012

As some of you know, a couple of weeks before Bam Bam was going to court last November, we busted him with water bottles of alcohol. He also had in his backpack a liquor store bag and receipt for Pinnacle Whipped vodka. He also had TEXT messages back and forth with someone to purchase this same vodka. He vehemently denied any responsibility for the vodka, just that his backpack was left at someone else's house and SOMEONE ELSE put the water bottles of vodka in his backpack. And he was just giving them back. How stupid does he think we are?

About a month ago I was out having dinner with some friends and the subject of Pinnacle Whip came up, and a couple people were saying how mixing it with orange soda tastes like a creamsicle, and mixing it with root beer tastes like a root beer float. Wow, alcohol that doesn't taste like alcohol – can this be so? A couple weeks later my brother-in law busted my 16 year old nephew, who is on probation for possession and who at the time was on house arrest, with a bottle of Pinnacle Fruit Punch. When confronted, my nephew told his dad he wanted the bottle back as he paid for it! Can you believe it? I had also seen pictures of my nephew, posted on Facebook of course, with his red solo cup and several bottles of various flavors of Pinnacle vodka.

So I'm wondering what is it about this stuff that is so appealing to kids, so I decide to test it out for myself. Now, I am well over the legal age of 21, so not to worry anything illegal is going on with the test! I bought a bottle of the whip and some orange crush, and decided to see for myself. Well, what do you know, mixing up these two ingredients IS like drinking a creamsicle. I looked on-line for recipes, and you can mix this stuff with so many different ingredients, it's like having cookies and milk with a kick.

Now I know what the attraction is. I'm sure it’s not intended to attract teens, but I think the fact that it doesn't taste so bad, it makes it really easy for kids to drink a lot of it without realizing how drunk they are getting until it’s too late. And then they are making very poor decisions by driving drunk, mixing the alcohol with weed, and drinking until they become very ill or dead. So just beware of all those gatorade, water and iced tea bottles your teens may be carrying around. Don't be afraid to take them from your child and give them the sniff test. While my son was on house arrest, I found water and gatorade bottles that smelled of alcohol, gatorade bottles with vodka still in them, empty beer cans, and a baggie with a little stem of weed in his closet. He didn't hide the stuff very well AND STILL is claiming he is INNOCENT.

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A Parent Asks for Advice on Act 53 - PART 2 Posted by:Rocco--Friday, March 09, 2012

A Parent Asks for Advice on Act 53 - PART 2

PEBBLES HAS HER DAY IN COURT by Betty

Pebbles' mom, Betty, sent this follow up to her previous post.

To see the original post click here: A Parent Asks for Advice on Act 53

Pebbles hearing was on Monday. She did decide to attend. And we all went together as a happy family.

Pebbles has already spent 28 days at Gateway and (1) whole day at Pyramid. They MADE me pick her up since she refused to eat and has a eating diagnosis they did not want to be responsible for.

So Abraxas was there and spoke with her and Barney and me. It sounded as if they they had a wonderful program for girls that Pebbles could benefit from.

Unfortunately, they did not accept her either because of her history of cutting and she has scars on her arm. So as we went in to see the judge Act 53 had no recommendations to give him.

Since then we did press charges so that after she did her rehab stay she would then have a probation officer to answer to for a longer period of time. She was handcuffed and taken to Shuman to be held until the probation office can find a place to meet her needs.

We were in shock!

I have recovered better than Barney.

Barney is very afraid she is going to be placed with a Wards facility. Barney is a police officer and deals with a particular one in our area that he is not impressed with to say the least.

Our older daughter was put in Wards Independent living (which meant at that time, living independently in your very own apartment that she picked out). She was not supervised AT ALL. She did not attend school, get a part time job, see a therapist, go to NA, or have even one "mandatory" urine test. The apartment was a party place for teens. She left when she caught it on fire.

I think giving them an apartment is no longer part of the program options. Thank God, at least I hope not.

It looks as if they are looking for something more for severe mental issues with an element of D&A. Something I have not prepared myself for.

My husband wants to drop the charges before she ends up in something he doesn't want or have control of. I guess I would rather keep the charges and have her come home with an ankle bracelet and on probation.

And then we can continue to live in our made up asylum.

How could this go so wrong?

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Bam Bam's EHM is Off Again, On Again - By Wilma Posted by:Sally--Sunday, March 04, 2012

A lot can happen in a week (have I said this before?). Bam Bam was reaching the end of his EHM sentence and getting very antsy. He was bugging us to call and find out if they were coming on Friday 2/24 to bust him loose. I told him to call himself which he did, though I don't know how many times he may have called. He was also pestering his P.O. The day before the BIG DAY we had our weekly meeting with Bam and his P.O. about rules and expectations following his release. Bam Bam WAS NOT happy when P.O. told him he is not to associate with people actively using (though I don't know how we can prove this point) and he was not to be found hanging out at Eddie's house (the known social hosting house where anything goes). Also told he has to follow his court ordered curfew and some other stuff. He told us all that he was just going to use the next day as Eddie is his ONLY friend and he just can't give him up! This is NOT FAIR! Bam Bam had his stormy, I'm not listening to any of you look on his face. We tried talking to him about how well he's done, doing good in school and that he is going to be pretty busy anyway what with the community service he hasn't started, some school commitments and looking for (and hopefully getting) a job. Bam Bam was having nothing to do with this. I thought for sure when the p.o. left something was getting broken or he would run. Drug tests were good and before the P.O. left our Service Coordinator from another agency came to the house. Since Bam is on probation the service coordinator has to meet with him every 14 days. Since he was not happy with our p.o. meeting he was not cooperative with svc coord so nothing was accomplished. I again thought after she leaves something is getting broken but miraculously there was no property damage or any physical altercations. Friday arrives. I am at work where I get very sad news about the death my cousin. Then I come home where Bam has the bracelet off and EHM has picked up the monitoring device. He is ready to split. His court ordered curfew (from the JUDGE) is 11:00 friday and saturday and 9:00 sun-thursday. Well, he comes home at midnight Friday and calls Fred after midnight on Saturday to pick him up. His interpretation of his curfew is midnight on weekends and 10 on school nights. what courtroom was he in? I also had seen on his facebook page announcing a party at another questionable house for Saturday night. Bam is having a great weekend now that he is a free bird. You might say just tell him to stay home but I can't physically control him and he doesn't listen. We will have to see what he does with the rope he has.

Monday the whole family attends the funeral and then I take Bam to his outpatient appointment where afterwards I dropped him off for practice. He doesn't come home until 10. He again gets clear instructions from his P.O. on what his curfew is. Tuesday he is just not feeling well so he goes to school late. When I get home around 5, however, he is much better and planning on going to the basketball game. Fred gives him $15 for the occasion. The game starts 8-8:30 and curfew is 9:00 why bother going? It's also at a different school. And I know that he isn't really interested in going to watch a basketball game and most likely has other plans. Well, Bam says, the judge said he doesn't have to follow curfew for special occasions and this is a special occasion. Hmmm, I don't think this is what he meant. I text the P.O. who confirms THIS IS NOT an allowed activity and he sends a very clear text to Bam and forwards to me what is allowed. Bam leaves anyway with an unknown driver and Eddie. Later Fred gets a call to pick up Bam on the road Eddie lives on. Bam said the unknown driver dropped him off in front of Eddie's house but he didn't go in and started walking home. Does he think we are that stupid? Wednesday Bam is just too sick to go to school but I tell him he has to go to to his psychiatrist appointment otherwise he will not be able to get his medications so he goes. While in the waiting room he is on the phone making plans to chill with Gordon. I tell him he is not chillin with anyone-he didn't go to school he goes home. After the appointment we aren't even in the car yet and the argument begins. Then he switches his story to he has to meet with a group member to work on his project. I tell him I don't believe him, he starts yelling that I called him a liar (which I did not use that word). Meanwhile, I am driving across town in rush hour traffic hoping we don't kill someone if he gets really mad and grabs the stearing wheel. I'm exhausted from the week we've been having and start crying. That gets Bam worked up. I tell him to just stop talking but he can't. He gets even madder when I won't pick him up something at McDonald's. By the time we are almost home I can't take it anymore and drop him off in the neighborhood he says his group member lives but I KNOW doesn't. Says he'll be home by 6 (it's 5:15). He is in the neighborhood where the party was on Saturday. When he isn't home after a few hours I call the project partner's house and there is no answer. Then i call the party host's house and ask if Bam is or was there. Lo and behold he had been there but isn't now. The mom and his friend aren't there either, supposedly. He gets home late again.
Here we are, the next Thursday, Bam Bam is too sick to go to school so Fred takes him to the doctor. P.O. has let him and me know that he is not under any circumstances to leave the house beginning thursday through the weekend. The message was very clear leaving no room for misinterpretation. bam bam tells me the DOCTOR said he could go out after a couple days. Now, he has just been diagnosed with the flu, is still contagious and is suppossed to getting as much rest as possible. What? I tell him P.O. says no way and he has already been informed of this. I text P.O. to let him know Bam Bam is again making his own interpretation of the rules and of course making his own rules. Bam is really p!$$d so he takes off in shorts, t-shirt and can of chew. He stays out for five hours before returning home at 10:30. I check the activity on his cell phone on the carrier's website and can see he is calling and texting his friends. Interesting, I thought he only had one-Eddie! Now its Friday again and Bam Bam is either being placed on EHM (phone calls) or spending the weekend at Shuman Resort. We would have to transport him to the detention center and as I didn't feel we could safely pull this off Bam Bam is once again on house arrest, this time for two weeks. I really felt that spending the weekend at Shuman would have made an impact on Bam Bam, demonstrating to him that we, none of us, are playing games. However, as a wise person once said, he will get another chance.

Wilma

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More Things I Wish I had Known... Posted by:Rocco--Tuesday, February 28, 2012

THINGS I WISH I HAD KNOWN
- From The Bridge to Hope

CLICK HERE TO CONNECT TO "BRIDGE TO HOPE" - A Weekly Meeting of Families Affected by Substance Abuse or go to: bridge2hope.org

The “Bridge to Hope” group is a support group for those impacted by the addiction of a loved one. The Bridge to Hope Family Support Group’s mission is to educate and support families confronted with substance abuse and addiction, so they will know they do not walk alone.

THINGS I WISH I HAD KNOWN...

“…I had known I wasn’t alone through all of this and that there was a good support system out there. When I reached out and had a chance to talk with others I realized I wasn’t going crazy.”

“…I had listened to that little whisper from my heart that told me my child was using drugs.”

"…I hadn’t convinced myself that this was “just a phase” or adolescent “right of passage.” That I knew how to distinguish between normal teenage behavior and drug related behavior.”

“…I had understood that no matter how much I loved my child, how much I cried, how much I hurt, how much I bribed, how much I punished, I couldn’t make my child stop using drugs.”

“…I had understood that taking care of myself was just as important as helping my addicted child recover. I had to get better so the cycle of enabling could be broken.”

“… I had understood that addiction could occur in any family. It is not just something that happens in dysfunctional families. Being a role model or even a great parent role model is not enough to stop the disease of addiction.”

“…I had known the huge impact this disease would have on my entire family; and I had taken steps to make sure everyone got the help they needed earlier rather than later.”

“…I had understood how very important it is to have everyone who is supporting a child’s recovery (all parents, family members, church, school and others) on the same page.”

“…I had understood that there is a strong spiritual component to recovery from this disease; that church can be a significant resource for my child and my family. Churches have experience dealing with other addicts in the congregation and they can help us understand that recovery comes from faith in a Higher Power.”

“… I had been able to let go and let God sooner. Recovering from the impact of addiction in the family is a process that takes time and is different for each person.”

“…I had known and really understood what terrible lengths my child would go to (lying, stealing, running away and much worse) to obtain drugs. Valuables needed to be removed from my child’s grasp before the family heirlooms ended up in the pawnshop never to be seen again.”

“…I had understood the difference between encouraging and enabling. Enabling resulted in spending upwards of $10,000 on heroin over the years.”

“…I had known I was enabling my child to use drugs when I lied for him and protected him from consequences. Addiction is a situation of opposites where your heart will rule your decisions instead of your brain. You are not helping your child by protecting him from the consequences of his actions no matter what your heart tells you.”

“…I had known that someday I would feel good about my child being in jail because he is safe and not using drugs.”

“…I had paid attention to the warning signs: dropping grades, withdrawal from sports and school activities, disappearance of old friends (the “good kids”), new friends who had first names but no faces or last names, increased secret phone activity, sneaking out, etc.”

“…I hadn’t convinced myself that this was “just a phase” or adolescent “right of passage.” That I knew how to distinguish between normal teenage behavior and drug related behavior.”

“…I had known more about the drug situation in my community and school. As parents, we are ignorant of the drug problem with a capital “I”. We have to educate ourselves about street drugs, their potency and symptoms of use, as well as the potential for abuse of prescription or other medicine that we may have in the house.”

“…I had listened to the clues I was given by teachers and the school principal. I think many people knew or suspected about my child’s drug use before it was acknowledged at home.”

“…I had understood that drugs are literally everywhere including churches, schools, recovery meetings, rehabilitation centers and places of employment.”

“…I had known that even when I tried to make my child safe by “grounding” them that drugs could easily be “delivered” to the house.”

“…I had understood that no matter how much I loved my child, how much I cried, how much I hurt, how much I bribed, how much I punished, I couldn’t make my child stop using drugs.”

“…I had known that treatment was not a one-shot deal and not a cure.”

“…I understood what a really long process recovery from addiction is (years not months) and that after abstaining from drug use it takes them a long time to catch up with their peers intellectually and socially even though they want so much to be normal.”

“…I had been aware that all recovery meetings are not the same and I had to shop around to find the right program for my child.”

“…I had never given up on my child. Recovery takes time. “Just for today” are watchwords. What a difference two years makes! There isn’t any good reason to give up hope.”

“…I had challenged the educational professionals at school more. There is a truant officer at some schools to support efforts to keep your child in school but you have to ask. There are alternative education programs at some schools but you have to ask.”

“…I had questioned the doctors and the experts more. Addiction can masquerade as depression. I think the age of the child is an issue in treatment. Techniques that work well with a 23-year old may not be appropriate for a 13-year old.”

“…I had known about Act 53, a government funded program to involuntarily court order a child into treatment without a criminal record.”

“…I had known that drug tests could be manipulated.”

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Are You A "Balloonatic" ? - by Jessica Posted by:Sally--Monday, February 20, 2012

BALLOONATIC - The overwhelming feeling that addiction issues have filled your home like a Macy's parade balloon.

Recently I was asked by our wonderful Wesley Spectrum Family Therapist, Jocelyn, to draw a picture representing Herman's "size" relative to the other four rabbits, Roger and myself in our family circle.

It was then that I realized that Herman, who is now "out" about having no interest in working his recovery program, is significantly larger in size than the rest of us.

The image of a huge Macy's parade balloon came into mind, because he completely fills up our home presently, making everyone else seem so small and unnoticeable, not to mention difficult to navigate around in our daily lives.

I also think it is fair to say that an addict who sees no need to be in recovery in order to stay clean, is very much like a large parade balloon; both are full of hot air/gas, and can float out of control do damage without controls in place.

That being said, I started to do some thinking. I found the similarities with guiding a giant helium parade balloon and coexisting with an addict not working a recovery program remarkable.

To guide a Macy's balloon:

50 to 100 volunteers who have had extensive training (because some balloons are more difficult to handle than others) are required. It would be more than helpful if we had 50 to 100 volunteers, but we have six; Roger, the various therapists, one very experienced, strong (wind tested) P.O., Lloyd, and me. I think this group might exceed the power of 100 volunteers, or at least we tell ourselves so.

You must be at least 120 pounds. For our balloon, you must have strong intestinal fortitude. No light weights could handle this stuff.

You must be in good health. This is another important requirement for our balloon. Thus the need to attend support groups like PSST, along with the other various ways to keep your self physically, spiritually, and mentally healthy. I took up running, because along with the obvious mood and health benefits, it is almost impossible to cry and run at a good pace. It works for me.

Now on to planning for the parade route.

For the Macy's parade, a few team leaders are required. A police officer marches along with each balloon. Once again, the similarities are striking. We also have two leaders, Roger and me, and our P.O. marches along with us. In handling our Baby Herman balloon, we have become almost invisible. Let's face it, how many people actually notice the balloon handlers?

Typically, handlers are dressed up in outfits that coordinate with their balloon. Much like the losing of oneself when you only see yourself as the parent of an addict who is headed for relapse. So the handlers/parents hold onto the ropes and guide the balloon, while trying to prevent a mishap. Many accidents happen, your balloon could collapse, and then you find the need to carry it. Your balloon could also crash into a building or injure a handler or an innocent spectator.

Of course true "Balloonatics" are not discouraged or dissuaded by this. We set up guidelines or contracts to help keep the balloon, the handlers, and the spectators safe.

Our Baby Herman "balloon" is one of the more challenging types. He carries around him, the atmosphere of using, think Pig Pen from the Peanuts comic strip.

It consists of:

1) denying the need to go to 12 step meetings, making excuses for why they are not for him

2) fantasizing and reminiscing of his glory days using, and thinking about using in the future

3) desperately waiting to reconnect with old using friends and go to old using places. Any new friend possibilities are discarded as "losers"

4) Addict mentality, the lying, over confidence,defensiveness, mood swings, and self centered point of view - think "dry drunk"

Eventually Herman will relapse. We cannot predict when, but given his lack of working any recovery program, we know a big windy rain storm is headed our parade route.

We Balloonatics will continue to hold onto the ropes, trying to prevent an accident, and guiding Herman as he works and goes to school. This is the best we can do as far as preparing him for his "discharge" from our home in 189 days. As seasoned balloon wranglers, we have a contract in place. We may find ourselves letting go of the ropes sooner than 189 days, if our rope burn gets unmanageable.

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Nature VS Nurture - by Wilma Posted by:Sally--Monday, February 13, 2012

Nature vs Nurture?

This is an age old question when trying to understand behavior. I think many of us PSST parents struggle with this question when trying to understand our substance abusing teens. And as an adoptive mother (and there are quite a few of us in PSST who are adoptive parents) I can't help but wonder. Bam Bam's birth mom had substance abuse and psychiatric problems herself.

And I found out recently that Bam had found one of his brothers on facebook. At first I didn't recognize the name. What caught my eye was this boy mentioning placement and tagging kids he had known in placement so I thought that maybe this was someone Bam had met in placement. then I noticed the hometown linked it with the kid's name and put the puzzle together. And this brother was busted for his involvement in knocking off a convenience store with a gun and had posts about being high. And he is only 16 years old. We have not had physical contact with the birthfamily in about 13 years. So here we have two brothers, not raised together, but both with substance abuse problems, placements and crime. Bam was picked up for shoplifting once and not charged but I suspect that wasn't the first or last time he just hasn't been caught again. But I know that in my own biological family we have had alcoholism, suicide, crime, mental health problems. So even if Bam was my biological child we still had our own skeletons in the closet. I think I was (am) a good mother and did the best I could. I feel that I nurtured him gave him unconditional love, stability. I know i'm not perfect, far from it. And there are kids out there with worse environments who don't turn to drugs and alcohol. Could I have prevented this? Probably not. I just hope that eventually he "gets" it and turns his life around. He is making some progress but I'm afraid when the ankle bracelet comes off, even with probation, he may not be able to resist the influences of his friends and his craving for weed and alcohol.

Wilma

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Virtual PSST Make-up Meeting Posted by:Rocco--Monday, February 13, 2012

Virtual PSST Make-up Meeting

Sorry about the last minute cancellation of the Wexford PSST Meeting due to the snow. We all know that addiction issues do not take "Snow Days".

We would like to try a "Virtual PSST Meeting" - Sally and I will start with our comments and you are invited to enter your own or to respond in the comment section.

If you have too much for the comment section that is not a problem - please send an e-mail to sallyservives@gmail.com at the top right hand corner of the Blog.

Sally and Rocco: Our son Cisco is 19 and has been in and out of recovery programs since he was 15. We have been coming to meetings on a regular basis since May, 2009. Cisco is now off of juvenile probation and we are thankful (like Violet) that he is still alive and has no charges or legal issues pending. He is about to complete 30 days of a recovery program that he went into on his own. He tells us that he is able to handle his recovery better because nobody has forced him to do it.

He will be returning to our home on Wednesday and going back to his job on Friday. We have a contract ready for him spelling out that he will continue to work his recovery, show respect to his family and his home, stay away from any mind altering substances and illegal activities, allow us to work his budget with him and other rules concerning people, places and things.

He understands that the consequence of any violation of the contract is finding somewhere else to live. He understands what this means since he did it for almost two months and says he does not want to do it again.

We are thankful for where we are and that we have control of our lives and our home. We are thankful where Cisco is as this time. We accept that we are where we are supposed to be and of course we are thankful for everyone's support at PSST.

We will continue this "One day at a time."

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If you can still pretend, you can still change. Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Sunday, February 12, 2012

Click here to see the source of this picture

People don't change because they can't imagine themselves changing. It's a wall that each of us puts up. That way if we don't try to change we can't fail at it.

While change is the most difficult thing that each of us do, it's also a very simple thing. That is to say it's not rocket science. It's easy to understand the idea of change but difficult to implement change. That's where pretending can help.

Think of children. One of their primary play activities is pretend. Pretending prepares us for real change; however, as we get older we cease pretending.

Consider our teens in inpatient. We are of course disappointed when we see our teenager "pretending" to change. We know our teen is full of it; however if we realized that "pretending" is the first step to taking down the barrier to change, then we might feel different about it. Pretending helps the teenager to imagine the actual change thereby making it possible, but of course not guaranteed.

The same principal can work for us. Parent's who are beginning to attend PSST sometimes can't imagine themselves standing up to their own teenager. Try pretending. Try pretending that you are that really tough parent that you admire at PSST. What have you got to lose?

If you do try pretending keep this in mind. Just like the teen in the rehab, it doesn't help him if he just pretends now and then. He has to attain a consistency to his pretending or else it won't fool anyone. Once he attains that consistency, he can actually trick himself into real change. By pretending consistently he has really imagined himself changing. It's a case of: "from time to time is a waste of time."

Therefore, if you do try pretending, try to be consistent with your change. After a month you can look back and evaluate. For example, if you tried to use "nevertheless" and "regardless" each time that your teenager tried to manipulate you then pretend that you will do that for a month. You don't have to be perfect with it but continue the effort consistently.

I think most of us agree that we need to be ready to change before we can change. Some people would disagree with that. Some people would say that a change of behavior comes first and the change of behavior actually changes the way you think and feel and viola, you become ready. Either way, you don't really have to even feel "ready" if you're just pretending to change. And, you can make it fun if you try. Wasn't pretending always fun when you were a child?

For some it will be difficult to pretend. Some will become focused on the question, "But what comes next?"

This is the crux of the matter. If you focus on "what comes next" you successfully stop yourself from changing. Wham, bam, thank you ma'am and the change process if stifled.

There is a saying in 12-step: "More will be revealed."

I love that saying because it works just as well for people of faith as it does for the Agnostic. You don't have to think that your higher power is the agent revealing "more" but you can if that fits with your faith. However, it's also possible to believe that "more will be revealed" because that is simply the way the universe works. The experience of being alive is that one thing is revealed after the next. Like an onion, layer after layer of things being revealed to you. It's not possible for everything to be revealed at one time. Just imagine that! We would be so overwhelmed.

In other words don't focus on what happens next. Let tomorrow take care of tomorrow. Tomorrow you will be in a better position to see things clearly. If I can borrow from the Bible:

John 21:6 He said, "Throw your net on the right side of the boat and you will find some." When they did, they were unable to haul the net in because of the large number of fish.

What would you like to change the most but don't think you're ready? Cast out your net. Pretend. Do it every day for a month. Then see what's in your net.

If you can still pretend you can still change.

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