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Quote of the Week
"If I cannot do great things, I can do small things in a great way" ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.
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I want to share this well-written essay with all of you. This young man at first declined to write this essay pointing out to me that he really just needed to focus on himself, not on anybody else. I ask to consider doing it as a favor to me and then he was happy to do it. I think he put some real thought into this assignment, which was "What advice to you have for parents who are struggling with teenagers who have a drug problem."
I think it is better to read this in his own handwriting, so I am putting four links in this post, one to each page of this young man's essay. By the way, I did not discuss with him what he would write. This is all his own thinking and put in his own words.
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PSST for Today
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Friday, November 04, 2011
Reading the quote of the week "Just For Today" made me think of something similar. PSST for today.
1. PSST for today I will not yell at my teenagers. If they yell at me, I will take an inch of their space, lower my voice, talk slower. I will deescalate not escalate.
2. PSST for today I will make it my business to find part of what my teenager says that I can agree with and tell him that I agree. PSST for today I will PSSTwist that agreement to my own talking points.
3. PSST for today I will not reward any behavior that I would like to extinguish. If my teenager is pushy, loud, or manipulative when he asks for something the answer will be NO. When I see behavior I like I will pay attention and find a way, not always a material way, to reward that behavior.
4. PSST for today when my teenager harasses me repeatedly to give in on something that I already said 'no' to, I will tell him that I get it that he just ' needs' to keep asking. I will invite him to ask me as much as he wants right now, and get all the harassment over with. "No, but ask me again," I might say after each harassment.
5. PSST for today I will remember that when I'm saying 'No,' power words such as ' Nevertheless' and ' Regardless' are my best friends. They keep me on track and help me not to be distracted from the real issue.
6. PSST for today I will not argue with or 'debate' my teenager.
7. PSST for today I will try to really listen to what my teenager is saying. I may not agree, but it is my job to show him that I pay attention to what he says.
8. PSST for today I will try to present situations or problems to my teenager designed to help me build new trust. I know that people change, and when my teenager starts changing I want to be their to support him and ready to allow more trust when it is earned.
9. PSST for today, if I do not believe that my teenager can be trusted to go where he says he is going, to do what he says he is going to do, then I will tell him to stay home where I can supervise him. I will let him know that by accepting this gracefully he is starting the process of trusting again.
10. PSST for today I will not keep secrets for my teenager if it is significant to his recovery or his probation. PSST for today I will remember that secrets keep us sick.
11. PSST for today I will hold my teenager accountable. I may hate to be the bad guy, but PSST for today I will remember that my teenager needs me to be his parent, not his friend. PSST for today I will remember that when he is older hopefully we can be friends.
12. PSST for today I will remember to set a good example. PSST for today I will remember that my teenager may defiantly refuse to do what I tell him but he will never fail to imitate me. PSST for today I will model an adult who is like someone that I want my teenager to grow up to be: honest, law-abiding, caring and able to be free from substance abuse.
13. PSST for today I will model an adult who is able to pursue happiness, which may include having interests and hobbies that I feel passionate about, a career that I am proud of, or friends that I care about. PSST for today I will let my teenager know that I am more than just a parent and that even if my teenager is in placement or inpatient, life for me goes on.
14. PSST for today I will try not to ask my teenager "Why." PSST for today I know that I will get more information from him by asking him questions like, "What was that like for you," What would it be like for you if", "Tell me about how that whole thing happened." PSST for today I will remember that open-ended questions are more effective and help me get to know my teenager better. PSST for today I will remember that "Why" tends to make people defensive and makes teenagers shut down.
15. PSST for today I will use good strong body language, direct eye-contact and say things like I mean them. PSST for today i will mean what I say and back up what I say with actions.
16. PSST for today I will place safety as my first priority. PSST for today, I will remember that drugs and alcohol kill and PSST for today I will take whatever actions I deem are necessary to keep my teenager safe.
17. PSST for today I will remember that taking some action is better than taking no action. PSST for today I will allow myself reasonable time to make a decision, time to ask for suggestions from people whose opinions matter, but within a reasonable time I will make a decision and take action commensurate to that decision. PSST for today, I will remind myself that teenagers don't listen to what I say, they listen to what I do.
18. PSST for today I will allow myself the freedom to change my mind, especially if new information is available. "Oops, Sorry but I'm just going to change my mind about that."
19. PSST for today when my son is frustrated and tells me to "go away or I will lose it", I will respect his need for some personal time & space. However I will also assert myself by saying "You're right, it would be better to talk about this later."
20. PSST for today I will strive to be consistent.
21. PSST for today I will try to remember to compliment my teenager when they do something right. We sometimes get so wrapped up in our personal resentment / fear that we forget that they are trying to improve themselves.
22. PSST for today I will accept, maybe even embrace, that my child who is an addict hates me (for now) - I know that I am doing the right thing and I can wait for them to thank me at a later date (if ever) - For now I know they are alive.
23 PSST for today I will take my time to give my teen an answer. If possible I will consult with my spouse (even if they are a step-parent) or someone I trust before I give my answer. They will need to learn to be patient and not expect an instant yes or no.
Please leave a comment especially if you can add to this PSST for Today ideas.
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Dealing with O.D. and Death 
Someone very close to us just lost a cousin to an overdose last week. This of course brings mixed feelings of sorrow and anger, of release and guilt, of "I told you so" and of "why?" Many of us at PSST have been touched by the death of someone due to an overdose, an accident while under the influence or by suicide.
It makes the assertion "Well, it is only marijuana / alcohol / K2 / whatever... " ring very hollow.
Following is a condensed version of an article on Death by Overdose by Dr. Abraham Twerski. Much of what he says can also be applied to dealing with a loved one's addiction.
As Dr. Twerski notes: There is a mixture of intense anger and guilt. Why did he/she use drugs? Why didn’t he/she accept help when it was offered? How could he/she have done this?
To read the entire article click on the title below:
Reacting to O.D. by Rabbi Dr. Abraham Twerski
"It is natural that when one has lived to a ripe old age and passes on, that the grief can be assuaged by sharing memories.
It is totally different when parents mourn the loss of a child. This is a disruption of nature, and the pain is profound. Even when the acute pain subsides, the wound is never healed."
It is much different when the death is the result of a drug overdose.
It is not unusual for mourners to feel some guilt. They may think back at some harsh words they may have said toward the departed person, or not having been as considerate as they might have been. But such interchanges are part of normal living, and these guilt feelings generally evaporate. Sometimes psychotherapy may be necessary to assuage these feelings.
It is much different when the death is the result of a drug overdose.
There is a mixture of intense anger and guilt.
Why did he/she use drugs? Why didn’t he/she accept help when it was offered?
We drove ourselves into deep debt to pay for treatment. How could he/she have done this to us?
Then there is the guilt.
Why wasn’t I a better parent?
Why did I put other things before the welfare of my child?
Why didn’t I notice that my child was depressed?
Why didn’t I seek help earlier?
These and similar feelings torment the survivors endlessly.
These feelings are difficult to overcome. As powerful as logic may be, it is weak when it confronts such intense emotion. But on the other hand, logic is the only tool we have.
After forty years of treating addiction and writing on the condition, I must admit that I don’t understand addiction. Like many kinds of pain, it is a phenomenon that exists but defies our understanding.
No one starts life with the goal of becoming an addict.
It happens in dysfunctional families, but it also happens in families where there is no apparent dysfunction. Invariably, parents of an addict feel responsible, and much more so when there is an overdose.
Yet, with few exceptions, parents are well-intentioned, even if they did not practice ideal parenting techniques (whatever these may be). We try to do our best, but our best may not be what the child really needed, yet we had no way of knowing this.
Our culture preaches that everyone has a right to pursue happiness, but there are so many obstacles to achieving it. Youngsters who feel deprived of happiness, and who have the immaturity of youth may resort to chemicals in the hope of finding the elusive happiness.
When Nancy Reagan launched the program, “Just Say No to Drugs,” some researchers interviewed young people for their reactions. One 14 year old girl said, “Why? What else is there?”
This is an indictment of a culture that has failed to teach youngsters that there is more to life than getting high.
We may try to place blame for an O.D. death, but there is really no one to blame, not the addict and not the family.
Guilt can be constructive when one has committed a wrong, because it encourages a person to make amends and set things right.
When guilt cannot serve this purpose, it is a destructive feeling. As limited as logic is, one should realize that beyond making amends and avoiding hurtful behavior, there is nothing to be gained by wallowing in guilt.
Anger, too, can be constructive if we are angry at wrongdoing and injustice, because such anger may motivate us to try and prevent injustice to the extent we can.
But when anger cannot be productive, it is foolish to harbor it.
The wise King Solomon said, “Anger rests in the bosom of a fool” (Ecclesiastes 7:9).
You may not be able to avoid feeling angry, but there is nothing to gain by hanging on to it.
There is very little one can say to comfort those who grieve an O.D.
Perhaps all one can say is that acceptance does not mean approval. Accept the pain, because there is no choice.
Do what you can to make today and tomorrow better for yourself and others.
Stop trying to make yesterday better. It can’t be done.
Copyright © Rabbi Abraham J. Twerski. All Rights Reserved.
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"Boy, 13, Ill From Synthetic Marijuana Dies PITTSBURGH -- A western Pennsylvania boy who became ill after smoking synthetic marijuana (spice) and had a double lung transplant has died. A 13-year-old, died Thursday morning at Children's Hospital of Pittsburgh at UPMC. The boy smoked the fake marijuana out of a plastic PEZ candy dispenser and suffered chemical burns to both lungs as a result. He was put on a respirator in June and had a double-lung transplant in September. Gov. Tom Corbett signed a law outlawing such substances a few days after the boy smoked the substances. The ban took effect in August" WPXI TV Thank you Gov. Corbett for enacting this law. This family will NEVER be the same. Parents, if you are struggling with a teen abusing substances or even suspect it, come to the next PSST meeting 11/5/11. You will find help and support from a team of professionals and seasoned parents. You won't regret it!
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 What a Long Strange Trip It Has Been
It is a long and winding road to recovery for most addicts and their families.
It has been about five years now since Sally and Rocco first saw some major red flags and realized that Cisco needed help.
He had gone from our happy well behaved kid with a great sense of humor, an inspired imagination, a love for all kinds of animals and very outgoing personality to a very angry teen who was getting in fights, having a lot of school issues, withdrawing from our family and bringing home some rather dubious “friends”.
We started on our adventure with an outdated road map, a couple of well intentioned glossy brochures and no idea where we were headed. We had no GPS or AAA TripTik® . We knew where wanted to get to but had very little idea of how to get there, how long it would take or what we would find on our way down the road.
If you have followed our posts over the last two years you may be aware that we got Cisco into counseling for anger management back in 2006. His first overdose occurred in September of 2007 . The get-a-way weekend that Rocco and I planned for our thirtieth anniversary ended up as a nightmare in the emergency room.
So here we are five years, 2 overdoses, a couple of relapses, eight or nine court appearances and seven placements down the road and we are (as we like to say in PSST) cautiously optimistic.
We have all made adjustments in our lives and we are working on our own recovery. Rocco and Sally have gradually learned, modified our lifestyle and understand addiction better now. We just got done talking with our cousin (who became acquainted with addiction herself through her two brothers who suffer from it). She said that she had noticed a big change in Cisco lately. We agree.
We thought, at first, that the toughest part of addiction was Cisco causing trouble at school and creating general chaos in our home.
We used to think the toughest part of addiction was when Cisco was getting high and was having emotional issues.
We used to think the toughest part of addiction was when Cisco was stealing and dealing to get drugs.
We then thought that the toughest part of addiction was when Cisco was confronted by the police who told us that they were filing charges against our son.
No! No! The very toughest part had to be when he was finally placed into an inpatient recovery program and we had to deal with how much he hated us and the F##ing facility and he was going to use again as soon as he got out...
…or could it be when we had to meet in court and Cisco had to go before a hearing officer…
...or maybe when we first experienced all of the buzzers and banging doors at the Shuman Detention Center...
…or maybe when he would successfully completed his treatment program and we thought that we could get on with our lives and then he would relapse.
Well, now we know that the “next” toughest part of our journey still lies ahead of us
What really is happening is that each new day holds its own set of toughest challenges, bumps in the road and detours.
Cisco, Sally and Rocco have come a long way. Cisco has started a full time job. This in itself holds a lot of challenges for all three of us. At this point we are allowing him to stay at home, on a part time basis, as we adjust to each other once again.
With the help of Cisco’s counselors, and his P.O., we are trying to assist Cisco in his transition to a “normal” life style.
 We are trying to work him into living back at home until he can manage (and afford) to live independently. Cisco needs to adjust how he deals with our family, how he handles his money, how he handles friends and how he acquires career training skills. He needs to work on his skills for handling the pressures of work and his personal life.
Most important, of course, is how Cisco continues to work on his recovery. He should attend meetings on a regular basis. He should make his sponsor a big part of his recovery and his life. He should avoid people and places that affect his attitude or that puts him into circumstances that jeopardize his recovery. He needs to sharpen up his ability to make good decisions and good choices on his own. He needs to be able to ask for help when he needs it without hesitation.
As for Sally and Rocco, we need to redevelop our trust in Cisco; that he can eventually handle this on his own and to accept that while Cisco will not do it perfectly; he has and he still is making progress. In the meantime he is doing well at his job and he is following our home rules. Sally has worked up a budget with him but he is still debating it.
We have both explained that, IF he really wants to purchase a car, besides the initial price he will need to save a lot of his paycheck for fuel, insurance and repairs. That will be Stop #1 on Cisco’s own road to independent living.
Will keep you posted on how the trip is going…
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REBUILDING TRUST
Posted by:Jenn--Sunday, October 23, 2011
REBUILDING TRUST
Once trust in another person has been damaged or lost, rebuilding that trust can be a very emotional and difficult journey for both parties. For most PSST parents, our teenagers have shattered our trust in them – trust that was so freely given at first, but now lies in ruins. On their journey to recovery, our teens hopefully will want to know what they can do to restore that trust. If we believe that they are truly serious, and that they are willing to commit to the demanding process involved, here is a step-by-step approach that we can try. The Four Steps to Trust and Freedom, developed by Larry Babaczewski of Milwaukee Solution Focus, was discussed at a PSST meeting by one of our guests.
Four Steps to Trust and Freedom!!
1) Do as I/we say.
Certainly not a fan favorite coming right out of the chute, but … classrooms, ball fields, and McDonald’s all begin with the ability to LISTEN and FOLLOW DIRECTIONS. No soccer game, term paper, or Big Mac was ever conquered without this first basic stepping stone of proving that you can get the job done according to plan.
○ On a scale of 1-10, rate the current level of trust – e.g. 5 [parent rating].
○ Then, ask if step #1 was followed for two full weeks – what would the trust level be – e.g. 6. In a month, what would the trust level be – e.g. 7.
○ At the end of two weeks, everyone rates how well the step was followed – on a scale of 1-10. Any rating below an 8 calls for another two weeks of step #1. Ratings above 8 call for a discussion of moving to step #2 – and perhaps, moving to step #2.
2) Ask me first.
So, if you can do the first step well, then maybe the authority figure you are facing may actually listen to you as you carefully and respectfully describe whatever it is you are wanting. This challenges your DISCUSSION and NEGOTIATION skills. Want to change the topic of the class term paper or argue for a later curfew time? Absolutely! … unless you forgot to do step #1.
Conveying what you want respectfully and carefully does not guarantee you will get what you want – so it may be wise to start “small” – e.g. ask for a chance to see a movie and not for a car of your own. This step is an opportunity to get better at negotiation [develop your effective ‘voice’] – all parents feel more positive when they see and hear that their child is developing an effective voice [versus a ranting or whining/”poor me” voice]. This is a time to let your parents know that you have used good judgment or used your head “out there” – e.g. you chose to call them to take you home from a party where there was underage drinking.
On a scale of 1-10, everyone rates how it is going with step #2 – e.g. “asking”/negotiating = 3 because it was not done – you went ahead without asking; or a 7 because it was done in a way that “discussion” and “negotiation” occurred and if a “no” was the response it was accepted. Here, mom and dad need to be clear about what is a “no” that is not negotiable – e.g. while you live under our roof you may not have your boyfriend sleep overnight in your bedroom! And what might be negotiable – if you get nothing less than a B for two grading periods, you can get your driver’s permit.
As negotiating gets stronger/more effective, using a scaling, you are ready to move to the next step – e.g. if you and your parents rate you at an 8 or 9 for a month.
3) Keep us informed/Tell us later.
By now you have earned enough trust and freedom and proven you are responsible so well that you can let your parents know if plans have changed – keep them informed or explain later what changed and why – if you make something up … whoops! … go back to step #1 for a while.
With cell phones and texting, it is easy to keep your parents informed, so err in this direction instead of telling them later. Be prompt about letting them know – let them know as soon as you know. Again use a 1-10 scale to measure how well you are doing with this step. If your rating differs from theirs, it is a chance to use your negotiation skills. This step may need to go on for a while before moving to the next step – yet another chance for negotiating.
4) You’re on your own.
Congratulations! You must have proven yourself to dress appropriately for school, hang around with decent enough friends or eat right, so that your decisions/judgments in these areas of your life are not even questioned by the powers that be. You’ve ESTABLISHED a sense of independent operations … at least in some areas of your life. But remember, do something dumb and fail to honor the basics of step #1, and back to basics you’ll go.
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Bam Bam is still Flexing his Muscles
25 days in the DAS (Diversion and Acute Stabilization) program, and what is Bam Bam up to?
Well, in his first two weeks he “fell” on his already fractured hand and had to go to the ER and orthopedic surgeon where his re-fractured hand was wrapped up. THE NIGHT he went to the orthopedic doctor he was mad because his dad wouldn’t pick him up if he signed himself out so he punched a wall with the FRACTURED HAND. He called home begging Fred or me to go up there to take him to the ER.
We were told it was not an emergency and refused to be manipulated into picking him up.
I think this demand came from the day before the trip to the orthopedic doctor, when Fred drove up to Quarry Rock and picked Bam up to take him to the ER at our local hospital to check him out for chest pain. It was determined that there was no physical problem but that Bam Bam was suffering from anxiety.
The ER doc gave him a Xanax. Neither Bam nor Fred informed the doc that Bam Bam was a recovering addict.
After the hospital visit, Fred took Bam Bam home to change clothes, spray on some body spray and then stopped for some fast food on the way back to Quarry Rock. No wonder he wants Fred to take him to the hospital ER!
Since he punched a wall with his fractured hand, he again was taken to the ER by Quarry Rock staff and another appointment made for the orthopedic doc. This time the hand was casted. However, Bam Bam decided he didn’t need a cast so two days later he took it off himself.
We had a family meeting this past Thursday and we discussed Bam’s aftercare plans as Quarry Rock was planning on discharging him next Tuesday. At first the meeting was going o.k.
Then Bam decides he’s going to manipulate the meeting.
He tells us he’s not going back to school (he already had agreed to go back to his home school) and wants to go back to cyber school (he likes how cyber school with a teacher works in placement) which he’d already failed at earlier in the year and we had said NO CYBER SCHOOL, started making demands about his phone and friends, said he wouldn’t go back to his psychiatrist.
We all just stared at him – WHAT IS GOING ON? He is less than a week from discharge!!
The therapist told him she wasn’t taking sides, but that we as parents are not being unreasonable to have him earn his phone back, ease into friends, and that he had already agreed to return to his psychiatrist.
For those who don’t know, Bam was on the outs with his psychiatrist when she called him out on drug seeking behavior. He didn’t want to go back. However, I could not find another adolescent psychiatrist participating with our insurance that would take a dual diagnosis patient that had not been clean for longer than 16 months.
By the end of the meeting Bam was back on board with all the after care plans, which by the way he was involved in making. After the meeting he and Fred fished in the pond on the grounds even though it was drizzling and freezing.
At this point I felt o.k. with bringing him home on Tuesday. HOWEVER, that evening he called twice. Even after the first call I thought we still have a plan. After the 2nd phone call I felt as if we were at SQUARE ONE again.
Bam Bam told me he wasn’t going back to school, he wanted to do cyber-school as the teacher at Quarry Rock told him he was doing a good job there. Bam said after all he doesn’t have an x-box or i-pod to distract him, and of course he would have probation (by the way, he has charges now). I tried to explain to him that Miss Meg from Quarry Rock wasn’t moving in to monitor his school work and that his P.O. wouldn’t be sitting with him all day to make sure he does his school work.
All I could envision is that Bam comes home Tuesday, Wednesday he refuses to go to school. This is exactly the type of situation that brings cops to our house!
I called the case manager and therapist the next day and told them unless Bam Bam has the school piece of his discharge in place (even if it is an alternative school but not cyber school at home) we would not pick him up.
Of course we were informed that then CYF would be involved and I said I knew that and I’d go through with it. If Bam Bam wants to make his own rules and not follow rules at home, he doesn’t have to come home. His discharge was moved back to Thursday. He and the therapist have more work to do and then we all get back together on Tuesday.
Fred and I decided not to go up on Saturday and take Bam out for a meal as it felt like we would be rewarding him for all of the upheaval. Needless to say Bam Bam was not happy. He called his aunt who went up for a visit and took him fishing at the pond. I was actually glad that he reached out to her. He has not wanted to be around family for a long time. Except his cousin, Cool J, who was arrested for possession a couple of months ago.
Bam called us later Saturday evening about coming up on Sunday, but we told him we couldn’t. He told Fred then he wouldn’t go back to school if we didn’t come up! He called later to tell me his he broke his closet door frame at Quarry Rock because he was mad.
And he is supposed to come home this Thursday!
So, it is Sunday night and I am wondering what is going to happen tomorrow??
I just want to say that posting our story on the blog is cathartic and helps me by talking about it. I also hope it might help someone else out there going through a similar situation.
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There is a lot of good information in the PSST Blog archives. Here is some information for parents wondering why they would ever want to get a Juvenile Probation Officer for their teenager. It worked well for our son Cisco and Sally and me, however, you will need to determine if it would help your teen and you. As always, if you are looking for help with your troubled teenager, we invite you to our PSST Meetings to discuss this and other ways to get help for your family and to restore order in your home.
Should I try to get my teenager a Juvenile Probation Officer?
Posted by Lloyd Woodward --May 25, 2009
Sometimes parents in group hear other parents talk about how helpful it was to have a Juvenile Probation Officer (JPO) for their teenager. This post will deal with the pros and cons to having a JPO and also cover the process of how Juvenile Court determines which teenagers to supervise. Also, if a parent decides that it would be a good idea to get a JPO to help supervise their teenager, it is not necessarily an easy thing to do.
First, we'll cover the process for getting a JPO and we will follow that with the downside and upside of having one for your teenager. Before you decide whether or not to go down this road make sure to read the downside part too.
To read the entire post click on the title: Should I try to get my teenager a Juvenile Probation Officer?
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 What if My Teen is Using Drugs?
Adapted from the Complete Guide to Family Health, Nutrition & Fitness, a Focus on the Family book published by Tyndale House Publishers, Inc. Copyright © 2006, Focus on the Family. All rights reserved. International copyright secured.
focusonthefamily.com/parenting
(Throughout this section, unless otherwise stated, the words drug or drugs will be used to indicate any potentially harmful substance — tobacco, alcohol, prescription medications or illegal drugs.)
Even closely knit families with strong values and ongoing drug-proofing have no guarantee that substance abuse won't affect one or more of their children. The problems may range from a brief encounter with cigarettes to an episode of intoxication (perhaps with legal consequences) to an addiction.
As you begin to cope with one or more chemical intruders in your home, keep the following principles in mind:
1. Don't deny or ignore the problem
2. Don't waste time wallowing in false guilt or wondering who to blame
3. Seek help from professionals experienced with treating drug problems
4. Be prepared to make difficult, "tough love" decisions
5. Do not look for or expect quick-fix solutions
6. Remember the father of the Prodigal Son
1. Don't deny or ignore the problem - If you do, it will worsen until your family life is turned inside out. Take the bull by the horns - be sure to find out exactly how big and ugly the bull is.
The marijuana cigarette you discovered may be a one-time experiment or just the tip of the iceberg.
Talk to your child and anyone else who may know the extent of the problem. You may not like what you hear, but better to get the hard truth now than a regrettable surprise later.
Editor’s Note: Ignoring the Problem is NOT a Solution.
2. Don't waste time wallowing in false guilt or wondering who to blame - Many parents assume a great deal of self-blame when a drug problem erupts in their home. Others waste a lot of time looking for someone to blame for their child’s issues.
Neither one of these actions will help your teen.
Remember that drug users must accept responsibility before they can resolve their issues.
Editor's Note: - the emphasis here is "don't waste time", you have a critical situation that needs immediate attention - there will be a lot of time later to discuss your teen's choice to use.
3. Seek help from professionals experienced with treating drug problems - Talk to your physician, minister or counselor. Seek out a 12 Step Program [or a group like Parent Survival Skills Training – PSST]. They can refer you to a professional who is experienced in dealing with all of your teen’s issues and how it affects your family.
This may include educational sessions, individual and family counseling, medical treatment and long-term follow-up.
If your teen’s behavior is out of control and he is unwilling to acknowledge that there is a problem, a carefully planned intervention by family members and others affected may need to be carried out under the supervision of an experienced counselor.
The goal is to convince the drug user in a firm but loving way of the need for change — NOW.
The confrontation should include specific alternatives for the type of treatment he will undergo and clear-cut consequences if he is not willing to cooperate.
4. Be prepared to make difficult, "tough love" decisions - If you have a drug-dependent adolescent who will not submit to treatment and insists on continuing drug use and other destructive actions, you will need to take the stomach-churning step of informing him that he cannot continue to live in your home while carrying on this behavior.
This will be necessary not only to motivate him to change but to prevent his drug-induced turbulence from destroying the rest of your family.
If you must take this drastic step, it would be helpful to present him with one or more options.
These might include entering an inpatient drug-treatment center, halfway house, boot-camp program, boarding school or youth home, or possibly staying with a relative or another family who is willing to accept him for a defined period of time.
More ominous possibilities may need to be discussed as well, such as making him a ward of the court or even turning him over to the police if he has been involved in criminal activity.
If you continue to shield him from the consequences of his behavior or bail him out when his drugs get him into trouble, [a.k.a. Enable him] he will not change and you will be left with deep-seated anger and frustration.
Editor's Note: Do not be discouraged when your teenager blames you for their problems and tells you how much they hate you – this is their addictive behavior talking.
Do not accept the blame and don’t be overly-concerned with trying to get them to “love” you [a.k.a. Enabling] or convince them how much you love them. Trying to use adult logic/common sense with a teen drug addict is frustrating at best.
5. Do not look for or expect quick-fix solutions - 
It is normal to wish for a single intervention that will make a drug problem go away. But one conversation, one counseling session, one prayer or one trip to the doctor will not be enough.
Think in terms of a long term comprehensive response encompassing specific treatment, counseling and aftercare.
Editor’s Note: Since most of our teenage drug abusers rarely go voluntarily into a recovery program, and seldom admit that they have a problem, they generally do not immediately embrace their recovery. Do not be discouraged if it takes several tries before they accept responsibility for their own recovery.
6. Remember the father of the Prodigal Son - Tough love means allowing the consequences of bad decisions to be fully experienced by one who is making those decisions.
It also means that your child knows a parent's love for him is there for him in tough times. Never give up hope, never stop praying, and never slam the door on reconciliation and restoration when your child comes to own his recovery.
Other things to keep in mind:
- Do not be afraid to question your counselor. If something that they say does not feel right with you do not be afraid to speak up, question them or let them know that you disagree. If you need to, do not hesitate to find another counselor.
- Addiction of any kind is a "Family Disease". While your child is working on their recovery; you and your family need professional help to work on your own recovery. If your child returns to the same family situation with unresolved issues the chances of his relapse increase dramatically.
- Someone has to step up and be the adult here - "It's only [tobacco - marijuana - alcohol]", "I would would feel like a hypocrite, I used..." and "He'll turn 18 soon and it will be his problem" are all cop outs. Tobacco, marijuana and alcohol are all highly addictive, and potentially deadly drugs, to your teenager. The longer you wait to get help the more serious the consequences will be.
- Your child's life and their future is more important than your social or professional standing, what your family, friends, neighbors, church, coworkers or boss will think, or their sports, school activity, scholarship or choice of college.
Why Would My Teen Use Drugs?
 What are the factors that influence kids to use drugs?
Adapted from the Complete Guide to Family Health, Nutrition & Fitness
Attitudes - Tobacco, alcohol and other drug-related behaviors among families will usually be duplicated in their children.
Attractiveness – Alcohol and Tobacco are widely promoted as something enjoyed by sophisticated, fun-loving, attractive and sexy people — what most adolescents want to be.
Illegal drugs are "advertised" by those using them in teen peer groups.
Peer-pressure - The need for peer acceptance is especially strong during the early adolescent years and "Just Say No" may not resonate when it comes to peer-pressure mixed with tobacco, alcohol or using drugs.
Curiosity - Unless your family lives in total isolation, your child will be aware of tobacco, alcohol and drug use well before adolescence from talk at school, radio, TV, movies and direct observation. Some curiosity is inevitable.
Thrill-seeking - Unfortunately, many children and adolescents seek drug experiences to produce thrills that they think that normal life can't duplicate.
Rebellion - Teens may engage in tobacco, alcohol and drug use as a show of independence from family norms and values.
Availability of tobacco, alcohol and drugs - Finding tobacco, alcohol or drugs are not difficult for adolescents in most communities – Urban, Suburban, Rural, Affluent, Middle Class or Poor.
Editor’s Note: “Tobacco, alcohol and drugs are equal opportunity destroyers.”
The high induced by drugs - If drug use wasn't pleasurable, it would be relatively easy to keep teens and harmful substances separated. But the reality is that many teens enjoy the way they feel on drugs — at least for a while.
Escape from life/relief from pain - Teens often feel anxious, angry, depressed, oppressed, stressed, bored, unfulfilled. The idea of a chemical "timeout" may look very attractive.
Whether one is down and out or rich and comfortable, substances that bring about relaxation, stimulation or pure escape can be appealing.
A conviction that "it can't happen to me" or that the "consequences don't matter" - Many teenagers and young adults are prone to assume their own invulnerability or immortality, make shortsighted impulsive decisions, or shrug off the most fervent warnings about the pitfalls and perils with a smirk or the defiant pronouncement "I don't care."
Unfortunately, many of them will become deeply involved in drug use and will remain stuck in this immature, self-destructive mind-set.
Adapted from the Complete Guide to Family Health, Nutrition & Fitness, a Focus on the Family book published by Tyndale House Publishers, Inc. Copyright © 2006, Focus on the Family. All rights reserved. International copyright secured.
focusonthefamily.com/parenting
IF YOU KNOW, OR EVEN SUSPECT THAT YOUR TEENAGER IS USING DRUGS COME TO THE NEXT PSST MEETING.
THERE IS NO COST OR COMMITMENT. 
WE ARE PARENTS OF TEENS WITH ADDICTIONS AND WE KNOW WHAT YOU ARE EXPERIENCING.
WE ARE HERE TO HELP YOU, NOT TO JUDGE YOU.
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Cartman's mother admits that she can't control Cartman. Delightful comedy. Obviously, there is obscene language in this so don't play it in front of children.
This episode has Nanny 911, Super Nanny and The Dog Whisperer.
South Park "TSST"
Disclaimer: While there may some truths about parenting and enabling (or else why would I post it?), PSST is not recommending that anyone follow this approach. As the heading says, this is just for fun.
We have no connection to South Park Studios.com. We are simply providing one picture and one link in hopes that viewers will view this video from it's place of origin, i.e., South Park Studios. If South Park Studios or other owners of this video do not want this graphic picture of Cartman and his mom on our blog, of course we will remove it. We have provided this graphic not for financial gain but only so that we can comment on it.
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Letter from Jail
Posted by:Ken Sutton--Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Originally Posted by:Ken Sutton -- Sunday, February 25, 2007
Re-posted due to update: see comment #6
This is a letter from jail written by the son of a friend. The letter was written over a year ago to someone he does not know but who is having similar challenges. He is out of jail now and doing well. They have both been gracious enough to share this letter thinking it may help someone else.
The letter is a scanned copy of the original. Click each page to make it bigger then use your web browser screen controls to scroll to read it as needed.
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The Alliance Against Drugs is having a two day training entitled "Drug Impairment Training for Education Professionals." I'm not sure as of this writing where the two day conference is being held, but I will update this post with that information as soon as I receive it. Debbie Kehoe, Executive Director has indicated that she will have booths outside the training for the two day period. There is no cost for the booth.
If anyone is interested please send me email at lloyd.woodward@alleghenycourts.us
Type rest of the post here
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 "WELCOME TO THE PSST ZONE" -- RECAP OCT 8 PSST MEETING IN WEXFORD
This week’s PSST Meeting was held in Wexford. We had the expertise of Lloyd and Julie of Allegheny Juvenile Probation and Kathie T and Justin of Wesley-Spectrum.
There was also another great turnout of of 17 concerned parents, some regulars, some returning alum and some new parents.
EDITOR'S DISCLAIMER: This is an attempt to summarize our latest PSST meeting. We don’t always have the chance to get it done quickly and we sometimes cannot read Rocco’s handwriting [or even imagine what it was he was trying to write] so, Please feel free to edit, elucidate, correct, amend or add to our summary as required in the comment section below. We will not be offended.
Wilma did a super job at keeping us focused as our group leader this week.
ANNOUNCEMENTS
- We had an opportunity to congratulate Daisy as "2011 Allegheny County Juvenile Probation Parent of the Year"
- Lloyd is looking for volunteers for a PSST Booth at an upcoming Alliance Against Drugs Training program scheduled for Oct 19-20 (Wednesday-Thursday) 8:00 a.m. to 3:00 p.m. at A.W. Career Center, 9600 Babcock Blvd, Allison Park, PA 15101 - Lloyd will post more information on the blog.
- Wilma reminded us about the live workshop on Oppositional Defiant and Anger Issues in Children and Adolescents at the Embassy Suites at the Airport on November 11, 2011. CLICK HERE if you wish to look at the information online.
- DO YOU NEED SOME MORE PARENTAL SUPPORT? ~ "S.O.S. FAMILIES ANONYMOUS GROUP" Squirrel Hill meets Every Tuesday night from 6:00 - 7:30PM
NO Fees - NO last names used - NO forms to fill out ~ NO formal sign-up
NO saying “I’m Sorry”
Families Anonymous is a group of concerned parents, relatives and friends whose lives have been adversely affected by a loved one's addiction to alcohol or drugs.
~ Like PSST, there is no cost and no commitment to attend Families Anonymous
LET’S TALK - because of the large turnout we went around to do short introductions so we could get back to those with more to discuss.
Wilma's son Bam Bam completed his IRF this summer but was not ready to buy into his recovery. Mary worked her best PSST skills to get Bam Bam into a Mental Health Facility. She reported that Bam is doing okay.
Tess’ 18 year old son Linus is doing okay and is adjusting to a 1/2 way house before returning home. She said that they were just informed that Linus has more charges pending.
Remember we here at PSST are here to support you through this Tess. Feel free to reach out to us as you need to.
Rose has an 18 year old son, Joe that completed his High School Diploma while in his Inpatient Recovery Facility (IRF) this spring. Joe's drug of choice is "robo-tripping" [using over the counter cough/cold medications in combinations that produce a high] and he had not lived at home with Rose for over a year. When he completed his IRF this June he left town to be with his dad and try a job in North Carolina. He did okay with the work and saved a nice amount of money over the summer. He stayed clean but lost the job. He decided to return to Rose's house last week. Before the week was over he had ordered "legal" artificial drugs over the internet [labeled "Not for Human Consumption" of course] and relapsed.
*More on this later in this post*
Jessica's son Herman, 18, has been through a couple of Inpatient Recovery Programs and a halfway house but is not ready to accept his recovery and now is in another Inpatient Recovery Program. If Herman really wants to come home [and he says he does] then he is going to need to learn how to assimilate with his family. He will need to live by rules that Jessica and Roger never thought they would need to have in their house but then they didn't know what it was to be parents of an addict.
If Herman is not ready to live by their regulations then he may need to start working on a plan to live independently on his own. They will visit Herman this weekend.
Jessica and Roger now know that they hold the power. They now feel comfortable disagreeing with counselors and other "experts".
Jessica, you and Roger have been through the whole spectrum of recovery in a little less than one year and you guys are doing well and appear to be taking good care of yourselves and your family. Thanks so much for being part of PSST and being there for others.
Joan's daughter Melissa, 20, drug of choice is opiates. She is currently in an inpatient Recovery Program and is clean for 5 months. Melissa has not been home for the last 10 months has indicated that she wants to rebuild her relationship with the family. Joan understands, intellectually, that this reconciliation will need to be carefully laid out and planned and worked on but her heart tells her to hurry up.
Joan realizes that Melissa probably cannot come back home and will need to work on "personal responsibility" and learn how to support herself independently.
For today Joan is "cautiously optimistic."
Daisy has a 16 year old son Ozzie. Daisy is a single mom and an inspiration to us at PSST for how she has turned her own life around. Ozzie is another teen who did not accept his recovery and is in his third IRF. Daisy told us that she has had some good family sessions with Ozzie but that his anger seems to be resurfacing.
This might be because when the therapists and counselors ask Daisy if she could give in a little and maybe compromise a little; she firmly tells them "No I am not comfortable compromising, but ask me again if you need too." She knows that she never wants to go back to the way things were.
Thanks for being a big part of PSST Daisy and one more time, Congratulations on being named 2011 Parent of the Year.
Emily has a 16 year old son, Jerry. Jerry recently was assigned probation has been in an IRF for almost three months. He is almost ready to complete his program but Emily is not sure if Jerry is ready to accept his recovery or to come home yet.
Lloyd said he will work with her to review this and help determine where Jerry stands at this time.
Jenn has a son, Dylan, 15, has been in an IRF for about 5 months. Dylan is coming along well in his recovery but is still having some anger issues. Because of this he has missed out on his 3rd home pass. He is having an issue with following rules. On the good side he is not complaining that someone else is to blame for him missing his pass or making him angry. He is taking responsibility his mistakes.
Thanks to Jenn and Brad for their contribution to PSST and for being a good example of moving on with their lives. Hope that Brad had a good time taking some time off on a beautiful Satuday like we had.
Sally and Rocco's 19 year old son Cisco is currently in an adult 1/2 way house and is doing very well in his recovery and working towards finding a life skill so that he can eventually live on his own.
Cisco had an interview for a job last week and indications are that will get it. This is a good thing in itself and is something that we have been working towards. It does not act as a trigger to us [since Cisco never really had a steady job] but it does wave a couple of red flags in front of Rocco and Sally.
The little angel on our right shoulder is telling us "Cisco will handle the job, learn how to budget his money well, buy his car and mature with the responsibility and take another clean and sober step towards his independence. Everything will be just fine. Remember this is exactly what you wanted."
The little devil on our left shoulder is screaming at us "OMG!! Cisco will blow his money, on clothes, on cigarettes, on fast food and he will be tempted to spend his money on drugs and alcohol!!!" That little devil is also warning us that Cisco will come back home and 2 weeks later he will either quit his job or get fired and we will have him back home with no job and no ambition to find one and relapsing! "Are you guys crazy?!"
The reality, of course, is somewhere in between.
But there are a lot of issues that have popped up quickly and we both need to heed Jerry's advice and take a deep breath, take a step back and move slowly. Because Cisco brings up coming home NOW doesn't mean we need to make a decision NOW.
We have scheduled a meeting with Cisco and Jerry for Wednesday to discuss and plan where we go from here. One day at a time.
Brigitte's 17 year old son Pierre has been home from his IRF for almost 2 months and has had some issues. He is doing well in school, he is keeping his room clean and has a good attitude. Brigitte and Francois are feeling better about where he is but it will take time for the family to heal and for Pierre to regain their trust. Addiction is a family disease and each member needs to work on their own recovery.
Violet has a son, Sal, about to turn 20. Sal has been through a few Inpatient Recovery Programs. He is currently attending his second year of college and is doing well both in school and in his recovery.
Violet is working on her recovery. Like so many of us she knows in her head where she should be but is not quite there in her heart. She feels like she may never get to the point where she will be able to trust Sal, like she is waiting for the other shoe to drop. It all takes time.
At first we just want our child to get some help and to have a few months of clean time. Then we are looking for a major change in attitude. Then we are looking for them to begin to think about their own future and all along the way they have their ups and downs, Relapse and more recovery. We wish it could all just end but it takes time. We still have our child and we have some order in our homes and our lives. It is more than we could imagine a year or two ago.
As we noted before, lets look for progress, not perfection in our own recovery and our child's recovery.
Kitty has two sons, Carlyle, 18, and his older brother Cat, 23, who was home for about 2 months from a recovery facility before relapsing. Kitty told him that he needs to check himself in to another recovery program and that he can not live at home while he is using. Kitty heard that he was living in a garage in the neighborhood and sure enough when she checked she found him sleeping in her garage. She will not enable him but she is letting him keep his phone so that she can stay in touch with him. Kitty knows that there is not much that you can do to force your adult son into his recovery but she is checking all of her options and open to suggestions.
Her younger son, Carlyle, is clean and doing well and had his hearing and is off of his home monitor. He is still on 5 months of "Observation." He seems to be on the right track and is looking for a job. He plans to register for the spring semester at Community College.
Vera has a 16 year old son Tommy. Tommy is currently in an Inpatient Recovery Facility (IRF). He has a 12 hour home pass last weekend and Vera said he did well. He wanted to go to an N/A meeting and to do some shopping and to spend some tim eat home to see his sister. Vera explained to him that there would be no friends, that his was a visit to reconnect with his family and he was okay with that. He thinks that he will be ready to be released after 45 day in his inpatient program but Vera wants him to stay for the full 90 days.
At first most of our kids visualize their Inpatient Recovery Program more as a jail sentence [especially if they are court ordered into the program]. instead of accepting and working on their recovery they count the days they are there. If anyone even mentions to them that it is possible to be released in 30 or 45 days that is all they can think of. It is like "Hey, I've done my time. I am getting off early for good behavior. My counselor told me."
Having been in this situation, during Cisco's first placement, Sally and I can relate to the panic and confusion that you feel with the idea of them coming home before they are ready. We had endless conversations explaining to our son that it was not about "time" it was about his accepting and working on his recovery. This took a while to sink in for him and still pops up once in a while.
Unfortunately some counselors do bring up the subject of an early release and parents need to be prepared to tell them and their child that they are "Not Comfortable with that decision". A suggestion that worked for us was to tell Cisco that if he and his counselor insisted on his early release then he would need to be released into a 1/2 way home for 3 to 6 months because, again, we are "Not Comfortable" with him coming directly home and will not accept him. Cisco was more than happy to complete his 90 days after that.
Another determining factor here, unfortunately, is that many times our totally callous and perfunctory health insurance industry [better known as our Health Insurance Denier]. The reality is that many times our health insurance will just outright deny payment for our children's recovery.
Maria, one of our PSST Alumna Moms, returned to tell us that her 20 year old son, Bert, is now 2 years clean and doing well. He is living with his dad and working. Unfortunately he does not communicate all that much with his Maria. But she can accept that his being alive and clean is the most important thing at this time.
This is a regrettable situation with some of our children in recovery. In order for them to work their recovery successfully they need to almost completely detach from their parents and family for a time.
Thanks you so much for visiting with us at PSST Maria, it is always good to see you and encouraging to hear about one of our children making it in their recovery.
New to PSST is Maddie and her mom, Agnes. Maddie has two sons Davey, 17, and Herb ,16 and they live with Agnes and her husband.
Davey began using around age 14 and has progressed from marijuana and alcohol to opiates and any other drugs he could get hold of. Maddie used ACT 53 to get Davey into an Inpatient Recovery Program which he successfully completed. He did well enough that his ACT 53 was closed in late summer of 2010.
Since that time Davey's drug abuse increased, as well as poor school attendence, his disregard of rules and his anger problem. All of these issues are tied closely together and a lot of us at PSST have experienced them with our teenage addicts.
Davey spent the first 3 months of this year in another Inpatient Recovery Program and was released with an in-home intensive outpatient program. He has totally disregarded his program, and gone back to his same friends and old habits. His in-home program discharged him with the recommendation to use ACT 53 and to file charges to get him onto juvenile probation.
Davey has a hearing for this at the end of this month and Maddie and Agnes are both concerned about 1.) telling him that he has a hearing and 2.) getting him to his hearing.
Her younger son Herb continues to use marijuana despite all of the trouble he has witnessed with his older brother's drug use. He also has a hearing coming up.
You certainly have your hands full Maddie but you certainly are a pro-active parent and hopefully with the support of PSST things will begin to work better for you and your parents in the near future. Thanks for attending the meeting and please continue with PSST. We all have had very similar experiences and are here to support and encourage you in your family's recovery.
STAY TUNED – THE PSST ZONE WILL BE CONTINUED
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 DAISY NAMED AS 2011 ALLEGHENY COUNTY PARENT OF THE YEAR
Once again, a parent from PSST was named Allegheny County Juvenile Probation Parent of the Year. The award was presented to Daisy on October 6th at the Juvenile Justice Week's Awards Night.
She was nominated by numerous people including her fellow PSST Parents.
She earned the award for continued acts of bravery, excellent command of PSST skills, for showing a lot of growth, for reaching out to other parents and for saving her son's life.
Click on READ MORE to read Daisy's Acceptance Speech.
"Thank you so much for this award.
I would like to thank each and every person that is a part of PSST. Without them, I would not have the strength to stand here today.
I am the single mother of a 16 year old son, who is currently in his third placement, over the past year. His father died of a drug/alcohol overdose when he was five years old.
Up until high school, my son was a straight-A student and a great athlete. His first year of high school, I noticed a drastic change in his behavior. His grades dropped to the point of almost failing. He lost all interest in sports. He became disrespectful, angry, and even violent.
Everyone kept asking me if I thought he was involved in drugs – what else could explain this change in him?
I, of course, did not believe that was possible. After all -- I had been there for him and I had been a good mother. I taught him that drugs were wrong.
His anger escalated to the point that he broke my bedroom door down to where there was not one shred of wood left.
I became terrified of him and he knew it. He was half my size and had gained complete control.
I completely isolated myself from everyone, even my sister, the person I was closest to.
 I was too ashamed to discuss the situation with anyone. I felt like a failure as a mother and was a prisoner in my own home.
Then one day, a friend, a PSST Parent, invited me to go to a meeting. That was the turning point for me.
Listening to everyone else, all people who seemed like good parents, sharing their stories that were so similar to mine, made me realize that I was not alone in this fight.
I began attending PSST meetings regularly and have gained more strength than I ever thought possible.
I have received so much support and help through the professionals and parents.
Someone gave an example of how, when you are on an airplane, you are told in case of an emergency to put the oxygen mask on yourself first so that you can help others.
I have learned that in order to help my son, I have to first help myself and that is what I have begun to do with the help and support of PSST.
Without PSST and without my faith, I would not have been able to do that.
Because of the changes in me, I am now beginning to see positive changes in my son.
I just want to say in closing that I am so grateful to Val Ketter and Lloyd Woodward of Juvenile Probation and Kathie Tagmyer of Wesley Spectrum for their DEDICATION and for the PASSION they have for our kids.
I am also so grateful to my sister, who has been there for me through it all. And my closest friend, Max, who spent countless hours listening to me cry and always knew just what to say.
Thank you very much." 
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