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Quote of the Week
"If I cannot do great things, I can do small things in a great way" ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.
This came up at last week's meeting. I remember talking about this years ago in PSST and referring to the Article by Lori, The Eight Things I Wish I Knew. This part about anger is only part of the article. Click on the above link if you wish to read the whole article.
Hold onto some of the anger because sometimes you will still need it.
One trick that I have in getting control of noise in my mind, setting aside my fears and getting control of my emotions so that I can “think straight” is what I call, Hanging onto the Anger.
I do not mean that we strike out in anger, but use it in a constructive manner in order to provide strength to do what you must do.
Nothing can bring us greater joy than our kids can. There is truly nothing better in life. In fact, I think life would be very shallow without the joy that our children have given us.
However, at the other end of the spectrum, no one can get you angrier than your children can. Your spouse may run close second, but your kids are the winners in the anger category.
The drug addicted behaviors, the extreme defiance, the lies, the stealing and the chaos.
And the moments of extreme anger.
Why - Won’t - He - Stop! Why does he continue to rip us apart? I don’t even recognize him anymore. What is happening to him? What is so very, very wrong here!?
Well, now we now know the answers to all those questions.
Our teenager is not the typical teenager who is just spreading their wings.
Our teenager is not the adventurous teenager who may be taking more risks than you would like him to take.
Our teenager is not going through some “drug experimenting” phase and all will be okay when it is over.
Our teenager is not one of many others that we know who did just that – And they were just fine!!
Our teenager is a Drug Addict.
Our teenager needs help.
Our teenager needs treatment.
Our teenager needs long-term treatment.
You are a critical part to your child’s survival of their Addiction.
So, hang onto that anger and remember it when you need the strength for that little extra push.
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Lately I've had several people ask about contracts. There are different ways to do contracts. It's an individual thing. It's a very good idea to use one especially if your teenager is returning home from rehab or from placement.
We've written a few pieces about contracts and by putting "contract" (no need for quotes) in the search box in the upper right hand corner of the blog I'm proud to say that A LOT comes up. Give it a try.
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 The time I have been waiting for..........Beaver is finally home after doing a stint at a rehabilitation facility. Actually multiple facilities but I digress. And I suppose longer than a ‘stint’—16 months, but who’s counting?
It’s so funny, I’ve cried so many tears for things lost while the Beaver was away; his presence in the home, graduations, celebrations, holidays, birthdays, births, and deaths. Now the little scamp is back home and I am still crying! "Why are you doing this, June?" I ask myself. I listened for an answer but only heard some rap music playing—loudly. Was this the response I was waiting for?
The first 30 days of Beaver’s return home I will fondly remember as the Super Glue days. Wherever Beaver went so did I. Wherever I went, so did the Beaver. Boy, that was some fun! A true bonding experience.
We’ve now rolled into the second component of our new and improved lives. This is the "June releases the reins a bit" phase. Beaver gets to go out by himself. I now have to ‘trust’ that "people, places, and things" are behind us. [I say ‘us’ because this is a team effort.] Beaver’s freedom is my trip down the rabbit hole. Every comment has to be processed, analyzed, and then processed again before it comes out of my mouth. Except for the other night.
Little Beaver comes out of his room and approached the couch where I was reading. "What the h-ll did you do to your lip?!?" June screamed. "I pierced my lip!" Beaver said with a smile. That silly little Beaver thought it would be funny to put magnets on the inside and outside bottom lip to give him the "snake bite" look. I had forgotten how fast I can move when put to the test. "I’ll rip those out of your lip if you ever try that Beaver" June replies. Now, thinking back-- processing, analyzing, and processing again—I wouldn’t change a word of it.
Beaver turns 18 next week. Joy, joy, joy! Beaver is getting a tattoo for his birthday present to himself. What could it possibly be? Would it be a heart with Mother in it? Or a little star, or moon? "Mom, guess what I’m getting on my back? It’s going to be ‘see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil’ but instead of monkeys it’s going to be skulls!! Won’t that be cool? For the see no evil, there will be a knife gouging out an eyeball, and hear no evil will be a knife through the ears. And Jed [the tattoo artist] is going to make it mechanical looking, and it will look like they’re popping right out of my back! Awesome!!" said Beaver excitedly. "And it’s only going to cost $600! I am getting a great deal because he’s doing this special for me ‘cause I know him from NA and it’s my birthday and everything. I’m going to make sure I’m not scheduled to work on my birthday so I can get this done!"
And, once again, down the rabbit hole I go.
Perhaps I should change my name to Alice.
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 We must accept finite disappointment, but we must never lose infinite hope. ~ Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
Since first grade, Dylan has had difficulty reacting appropriately with authority figures on a consistent basis. At times, he became very angry and out of control. As concerned parents, we took him to therapists on and off during his elementary school years, and we often met with school administrators and teachers to put action plans and consequences in place. Thankfully, there were two relatively peaceful years during middle school, when it appeared that Dylan was outgrowing his behavior issues. But then the intermediate school years arrived, along with the early signs of puberty, and the situation worsened.
A brief clash with the legal system that resulted in 6 months of probation appeared to be an eye-opener for Dylan. However, once his probation was over, his defiant behavior escalated exponentially. He often refused to attend school and/or to arrive there on time, was insubordinate with teachers and administrators but refused to serve the assigned detentions, and was openly unapologetic about smoking weed. He became more and more defiant with his parents, school administrators, teachers, and even the local police. We made numerous phone calls to the local police to “restore the peace” in our home, spent many sleepless nights wondering whether Dylan was going to leave the house to wander the neighborhood, and agonized over Dylan’s choices of questionable “friends”. We had strong support from the school staff and the local police, but throughout it all, we still felt lost, worried and heartsick. There were many dark, dark days. As grown adults who had successful work careers, we were being outfoxed at every turn by an openly defiant teenager who had gained too much power in our home. We were assured by various well-meaning people that we were good parents and were doing nothing wrong, but how could that be true, given the results? We felt so helpless.
An administrator at our son’s school referred us to the Parents Survival Skills Training (PSST) blog, and we began to read some of the postings on the site. My husband (Brad) and I liked some of the advice that we saw on the blog, so we decided to attend a meeting to see what it was like. To be honest, we were skeptical. We are not meeting “groupies”. Airing our dirty family laundry in front of a bunch of strangers didn’t really sound like a fun way to spend 3 hours each Saturday morning. Did everyone go there just to get their problems off their chests so they would “feel better”?? We wanted answers. We wanted to learn how to parent a defiant child whose thoughts and actions were totally foreign and incomprehensible to us. We needed help.
 The outpouring of practical advice and encouragement from the Allegheny County Probation and Wesley Spectrum staff who coordinate the PSST meetings has been phenomenal. We are also grateful for the kindness and support from the other parents, whose personal journeys have been both a source of inspiration and a reality check for us. The blog itself is a great source of thoughtful and useful advice.
Acting on sage guidance from the PSST professionals and parents, we pressed charges against our son and told the judge that we did not want him released back into our home. That was one of the hardest things that we ever had to do, but it wasn’t any harder than watching Dylan spiraling out of control. Less than 90 days after beginning our journey with the PSST group, Dylan was ordered by the courts into an intensive inpatient program. Two months have passed since that day in court. It has been very quiet & peaceful in our home. We miss Dylan – we miss his playfulness, his wit, and his ability to make us laugh – but we don’t miss the chaos and anxiety that choked us. We are comforted that he is safe and in a program that can help him gain some maturity and better decision-making skills.
Dylan’s counselor tells us that he is still very vulnerable right now, as he struggles to focus on the personal changes that he needs to make. While Dylan is going through behavioral counseling, Brad & I are in training too. Through the weekly PSST sessions, Brad & I are learning new ideas and skills for dealing with our defiant, drug-using teen. We realize that we have been part of the problem, by not recognizing all the ways we were enabling our son as he pursued a self-destructive and risky path. A couple times each month, Brad and I join together with Dylan and his counselor for family counseling sessions, as we begin to prepare for our son’s eventual release from the program. We know that when Dylan returns home, that we will continue to have strong help and support from his probation officer and therapist, which will be crucial as we begin the real work of rebuilding our family. We recognize that we have a long and difficult road ahead of us, but knowing that we have so much support in our journey is reassuring.
We are no longer helpless and alone. We have an army of supporters at our side, and the power of prayers from our family and friends. We are hopeful – and determined – that we will find the strength to meet each new challenge.
~ Hope is the companion of power, and mother of success; for who so hopes strongly has within him the gift of miracles. ~ Samuel Smiles
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WHAT DO YOU THINK? - The following letter (credited to Nar-Anon) was read at our Gateway YYAP family session. It led to some lively discussion by the teens and their parents. 
So What Do You Think? Send in your thoughts and opinion in the comment section at the bottom of this post or to sallyservives@gmail.com
AN OPEN LETTER TO MY FAMILY
I am a drug addict. I need help -- from a doctor, a psychologist, a counselor, from an addict who found recovery in Narcotics Anonymous, and from God.
Don't solve my problems for me. This only makes me lose respect for you.
Don't lecture, moralize, scold, blame, or argue -- whether I am high or loaded or not. It may make you feel better, but it will make the situation worse.
Don't accept my promises. The nature of my illness prevents me from keeping them, even though I mean them at the time I make them. Promises are only my way of postponing pain. Don't keep switching agreements; If an agreement is made -- stick to it
Don't lose your temper with me. It will destroy you and destroy any possibility of you helping me.
Don't allow your anxiety for me make you do what I should do for myself.
Don't cover up for me or try to spare me the consequences of my using. It may reduce the current crisis, but it will make my illness worse.
Above all, Don't run away from reality as I do. Drug [or alcohol] dependence, my illness, gets worse as the using continues. Start now to learn, to understand, to plan for recovery [yours as well as mine]. Find Nar-Anon [or PSST] whose group exist to help the families of drug-abusers.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Cisco's comment: Some of the parents felt there were too many "Don'ts" in the letter for them and not enough for their teen. I found this as a good message for all parents, and families, of addicts to end their codependent behavior. Dwelling on your addicted loved one's issues all of your busy days and all of your sleepless nights can ruin your health, your marriage and your family.
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 It's official, after 8 weeks at Bedrock Manor Bam Bam is coming home on Friday.
According to his counselor he has done wonderfully. She told us that when he first came she didn't think he was going to make it but he turned things around. I think once he realized that all of his efforts trying to get kicked out to come home were only going to get him sent somewhere else he decided to figure out what he had to do to come home. And that day has arrived.
He didn't get his off-grounds pass today because he had a tier (sanction) for an altercation with one of the other boys that involved pushing and shoving. I don't think punching was involved. It was enough to negate all the good stuff he did up to that point so that his "percentage" wasn't high enough.
And still he is coming home.
We had our last family meeting so that we could go over rules for when he comes home. He spent a lot of the time arguing over his cell phone. He still is determined to continue his relationship with his drug-dealing "friend" Eddie. The counselor told him again that it is up to us to determine if and when Bam sees Eddie. Eddie is supposed to come over to our house, convince us he is o.k. and will not sabotage Bam's recovery.
If I go to see Eddie's dad; I'm not to go in ‘gun’s blazing’ about the illegal activity in his house. I am supposed to talk about the fact that Bam Bam just got out of rehab and to aim at making sure their house is safe for him. In the meeting when I expressed my feelings about Eddie Bam Bam told all of us that he will just use then if he can't see his old buddy. We finished up with more of the rules and then time was up.
I am sure once Bam Bam has his freedom back he is going to do what he did before and sneak around with this kid. I decided on the way home that maybe my statements that I will never approve of Eddie and I don't trust him, etc, etc, are driving my son to want his "friendship" even more. So, I decided not to do that anymore (well, I'm going to try).
As the counselor tells us we are his parents not his jailors and that eventually Bam Bam will be back out in the world. I'm not convinced he's ready for it but I don't have any choice. Bam's dad will go along with whatever is recommended.
After the usual insurance hassles (we could not get the highly recommended dual dx counselor) we have psychiatrist and counseling appointments the first week he is home. On the recommendation of his counselor there should be a little relaxation of rules for special occasions so Bam Bam is going out on July 4th (3 days after discharge) with the best of the bunch friend (he's used with everyone so I don't really trust any of them).
Now, in the not too distant past he would go out with this kid but end up coming home with someone else or needing a ride from a random neighborhood (we just found out that it was because he was hanging out at Eddie's and didn't want his dad to know; even though I was 99% sure this was the case but then remember I am TOO suspicious).
I am just hoping for the best.
After the family counseling meeting it was time for our last family programming meeting. The counselor who was running the meeting gave each family a large piece of white paper and a marker and starting with the kids they had to do a timeline of their life up until yesterday. They were to put down different milestones in their lives.
Then they had to add on the timeline when they started to use, times they used, what they used. I was sick when I learned that in addition to the weed and acid (and suspected huffing) I knew about, Bam Bam has also tried (he may have been downplaying his use on these) ecstasy and 'shrooms. Knowing this explains to me even more of his behaviors prior to going to the psych hospital in December 2010.
Then the parents had to put on the timeline any family events that were going on during these times. Interestingly, all of the really bad stuff had happened when Bam Bam was younger. The only thing closer to when the using started in July of 2009 (he had the official day) was that his dad had retired the year before. The counselor then went around to each family group to discuss the timelines. He suggested maybe Bam Bam was having delayed reactions to the tragedies but Bam said he was just bored.
Who knows?
While we were doing this exercise Bam Bam told us he isn't going to any meetings until he gets his phone back because he needs to get numbers from people at the meetings. We told him he can still go to meetings anyway. He is still going to have restrictions on his phone. I have a feeling he isn't going to follow through with the 7 meetings in 7 days for 90 days recommendation but I am hoping that I am wrong.
We met another family at the placement where the dad used to work with Bam's dad. The past couple of weeks when we were leaving family programming we chatted for a little while with this couple. It's amazing how many similarities these boys have. And they have become friends.
Last night was interesting because two topics came up that Fred and I are on opposite poles about.
The first was, the other dad was talking about his son's friend had stolen his bike and sold it to someone else. The dad confronted the thief and told him get the back or he was calling 911. Lo and behold the kid got the bike back.
Fred then proceeded to tell him Bam's story about how his BMX bike ended up at the police station because he had left it at one friend's house, then another friend took it and was chased by the cops and the bike was taken to the station.
WELL, I called the police station and they DO NOT HAVE THIS BIKE. Fred, even in the face of this evidence, believes Bam Bam's story. New dad told Fred "he sold that bike." Which is what I think happened. Fred didn't say a word.
The other story was about driving. Our boys are both 17. New dad was saying that he would drug test his son and the kid could only drive (still just has a permit) if the test was clean (he did very well, actually). He said he wasn't taking a chance on this kid testing positive and having an accident that could possibly be very bad and he didn't want a situation where the other party would sue them over and above what the insurance company would pay.
I had just had a conversation with Fred that if Bam eventually got his license (he doesn't have a permit yet) and I didn't want Bam on my insurance and that he would have to have his own car in his own name.
Fred thought this was terrible, it would be so expensive, that's what we have insurance for and I'm being unreasonable. I even called the insurance company and, even though it may not happen a lot, it can happen that we could be sued over and above what the insurance would pay in the event of a catastrophic accident.
Again, Fred didn't say anything but I was glad he heard these viewpoints from someone OTHER than me. And of course he hasn't brought it up since but that is his way-not to talk about anything that bothers him.
Anyway, as you may have guessed I am not jumping for joy that Bam Bam is coming home. I am worried about the plan. He is supposed to have a daily structure and I can see Fred not enforcing it. And again, once he is out in the community I am really worried he is going to use again. He will not be back in group outpatient so he won't be making any deals with other kids like he did before. However, if he does relapse he knows he will go right back to inpatient rehab.
Ready or not, here we go...
Wilma
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Wow!! This is not easy, nor is it fun, but it is faith driven and brings one to communicate fervently to their God. I am talking about the effect of my son Ronnie's drug abuse on our lives.
On Wednesday, June 14, our son Ronnie, after not allowing him back home and after his boss told him to get help or she would press charges against him for stealing money at work, admitted himself into a transition drug rehabilitation living center. He hated it, but my wife and I looked at it as a haven to stop him from using, i.e., clean time. “What a relief!” was our first reply, and good feelings started flowing again inside my body.
 Friday rolled around and Ronnie had packed his suitcase and walked out of the rehab center, traveling down the sidewalk with his large suitcase in tow. This luggage was stuffed with his clothes, and all of his other belongings. He made it to a street corner nearby, and after asking a woman if he could use her cell phone, called, guess who, his father and said, “Dad, come and get me.” I said, “Huh, what did you say, where are you, what happened?” Ronnie said, “I hate that place, they just sit around and are afraid to move, you have to say you are getting up every time you leave the room or change locations, just to let someone know you are moving around. Etc., etc.” Looking up from my breakfast plate to my wife for advice, Gracie said, “Tell him to walk back to the rehab center.” So I did ... “No, I can’t do that. I don’t even know where I am.” “Well, will you go back if I come over there?” Ronnie said, “Yes, come and get me.”
So I left for somewhere. I had not gotten the address location, so I called the anonymous cell phone number back, and the kind woman gave me the exact street corner where she talked to him. OK, I was focused on this location and knew exactly where he was. Many thoughts raced through my mind, especially what to do when I got there. I immediately told my wife that I was not going to appear in my white car to save him, but must park a distance away so that he had no chance to escape this one.
On the way over I saw a billboard for drug rehab centers, along with their logo. I kept this in mind as I drove. I parked only a half-block away and walked to the hotel where Ronnie was sitting in the lobby. He saw me and said, “Oh, Thank God.” When we got outside he said, “Where is the car?” I said, “We are walking back.” “We can’t walk back, it’s too far and this suitcase is heavy.” I said, “I’ll carry it”. Ronnie barked, “No, I’m not going!” I said, “Well, we will just sit here till you decide to go back.” He walked away, leaving me with the suitcase. I just relaxed and sat next to the suitcase. He returned almost immediately. We bickered back and forth for awhile until it dawned on me what was happening. I calmed down and said, “OK, then we will find a new placement. Did the rehab center give you a list of other places where you could go?” Ronnie, “Mumble, mumble…”
As I looked around I saw a hospital across the street with a familiar logo. Yes!!! They have rehab centers. I told Ronnie that they have rehab services there and we will walk there. Guess who carried the suitcase. Good Old Dad!! The hospital staff was very helpful and as we talked to the social worker there, Ronnie was again trying to convince her that he did not have a Drug Problem. We were getting nowhere until I brought up the reason that we just needed to know the phone number of any drug rehab center where we could enroll Ronnie.
So Ronnie said, “Oh that’s all you need, well here then,” as he pulled out a paper with the names and phone numbers of 5 or 6 behavioral health service centers. Ronnie was familiar with one of the names, let's call it Rehab Two, so that’s the one we called first. We explained our story and that I refused to let him come into our house again until he got help. We were referred to an advocate, who somehow after back and forth phone calls about health insurance and drug use with Ronnie, got him into the program.
We met the advocate at the hotel, explained the situation, mentioning about Ronnie's drug use again, the trouble at his place of employment, and his boss’s ultimatum that either he got help or she was going to press charges against him for stealing money, and that Lloyd Woodward had been in touch with us. The advocate knew Lloyd well, and soon thereafter she asked me to take Ronnie to the local Rehab Two inpatient services. I agreed and off we went to their office. While sitting there waiting to be picked up by a transport van to go to Rehab Two, Ronnie was still trying to convince a visitor that he did not have a drug abuse problem. The rest is still drug rehab history in the making.
Well for now he is safe and off the drugs (marijuana and other unknowns). We are still not home yet, but on our way. Thanks to many loving and caring persons on earth and in heaven.
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HOW TO END ENABLING
Posted by:Rocco--Monday, June 27, 2011
 ENABLING: WHAT'S THAT?
Enabling is a behavior practiced by well meaning family members and friends of addicts that achive the exact opposite results of their actual intentions. Another definition I read was "Trying to be helpful or useful in some way, but often producing a negative effect or result."
While searching for some information I came across a web site called eGetGoing that has a good explanation of what enabling is, its effects and how to change your enabling behavior. Following is the "Reader's Digest" version
For the entire article click on eGetGoing - Enabling
ENABLING: WHO ME?
When family, friends, and associates of a chemically dependent individual allow that individual to continue the addiction to alcohol or drugs, their behavior is called enabling. When repeated, enabling behaviors become ingrained in the chemically dependent person's family, job, or social structures.
MEANING WELL: THE ORIGINS OF ENABLING
We often begin enabling in an attempt to be kind and helpful. For example, we may wake someone so they are not late to work. By doing so, we help them avoid the consequences of oversleeping because they were using or drinking late into the night before. We loan addicts money, often over and over again, and we are surprised when they use it to buy more drugs or alcohol.
Enablers may have their own system of denial that is fed by the lies and deceptions addicts use to cover up their using.
EXAMPLES OF ENABLING
Examples of enabling behaviors include:
- Making excuses for the addict/alcoholic (calling their boss to say they are sick with the flu, when they are really hung over, or referring to your teenager's drug use as 'just a phase')
- Paying their bills (including legal fees)
- Bailing them out of jail / paying their court cost or restitution / paying their fines
- Making rationalizations for their irresponsible behaviors
- Ignoring the problems caused by the addict's use (financial, employment, legal, social, family)
- Cleaning up their messes
- Accepting their excuses or believing their lies
- Not discussing the problem of their chemical use
- Not getting help for yourself
As addicts/alcoholics are rescued from the consequences of their using and drinking, they learn to rely on their enablers to continue their addiction.
Enabling behaviors can be changed, and recovery is possible even if the chemically dependent person does not seek help.
HOW TO CHANGE ENABLING BEHAVIOR
When we begin to identify and change our behaviors, they don't just disappear all at once.
Recovery and changing takes time and practice, practice, practice.
With this in mind, we can look at some examples of changing enabling behaviors.
- Stop making excuses to others for situations or problems that are caused by the drinking and using of the alcoholic or addict. Do not phone the employer to excuse him/her from work. Do not make up stories to others about why the addict/alcoholic was unable to keep obligations such as showing up for the family reunion or missing appointments.
- Refuse to lie. This includes Not Keeping Secrets.
- Do not clean up their mess. If the chemically dependent person makes a mess, such as being physically ill or tearing up the living room, do not clean it up. Allow them to see the damage and result of their actions.
- Do not bail them out of jail / pay their fines, court cost, restitution or legal fees [including children under the age of 18]
- Do not pay bills you are not responsible in areas that do not affect your safety or basic well being. Do not pay for the new TV, cell phone service, iPod he/she purchased.
- Do not continue useless arguments. Go to a movie, take a walk, read a good book, or go to a support group meeting [see the PSST Meeting Schedule].
- Do not make threats you are not 100% willing to back up with appropriate actions. Example: Do that again and I will call the police! or One more time and you're out of here!
- Have a calm and Quiet discussion as possible.If safe and appropriate, discuss your concern with the person in a non-emotional way. If your teen gets loud, beligerent or threatening get up and leave at once.
- Find a support system. This may include [PSST], Al-Anon, CoDA, Nar-Anon, a sponsor, codependency treatment, private therapy or counseling, a spiritual advisor or minister, or trustworthy friends.
When you begin to change your enabling behaviors it is helpful to have a sponsor in an organization such as Al-Anon, or a private counselor or therapist, who is familiar with your individual circumstances.
They can be key to achieving positive changes in you.
PLEASE COME TO OUR PARENT SURVIVAL SKILLS TRAINING [PSST] MEETINGS TO DISCUSS THIS AND OTHER ISSUES – WE ARE HERE TO SUPPOERT YOU, THE PARENTS, AT NO COST AND NO OBLIGATION.
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JUST FOR TODAY ~ By Violet
 As I return from another placement to visit Sal, I am full of emotion, again. Nothing in my upbringing has prepared me for this battle which I am in. These waters for me are uncharted. Doubt creeps in, dulling my senses. There is no certainty of success only trial and error. It's just that the errors in this fight can bring death and I am so fearful of that end for my child. At times I feel I am the Lone (or maybe Lonely) Ranger in this struggle. I sure could use Tonto, right about now.
Sal’s new rehab is YFC#3 in Trough Creek State Park about 2 ½ -3 hours from here. It is surrounded by the forest and lakes, quite scenic. The program is different than the others he’s been to, and I am hopeful that will be a good thing for him. They seem to focus on the body as well as the mind.
When I see Sal, the first time in 3 weeks, he hugs me. No, I mean with his arms around me not at his side and his body stiff as a statue. I felt life in him as we hugged. It’s been years since I felt that. Of course I do what mothers of addicts do best, cry. But this time is was not out of sadness.
We talked a little about his recovery in the beginning but I have learned not to make every moment a teachable one. I find, at times, I learn more by watching his mannerism and listening to his thoughts which I am pleased to say he had some. My gut, which is my best gauge, tells me he was being real. And for today that is good enough.
He has gained some weight and I can no longer see the bones in his face. His eyes are crystal clear with a spark in them as we talked of his goals. He looked me in the eye when we talked. He was respectful and thankful that I came.
This is not the child I once knew, nor is it the addict I have come to know so well, but someone who is just developing.
I know I have heard these things before but something is different about him, in a good way. I do understand it is easier in treatment than on the outside but I liked what I saw and more importantly what I felt and for today that’s good enough.
No this isn’t the life I dreamed for us. I wallow in that now and then. I cry for the memories we missed. I cry that we only have each other. I cry for the people we have lost in this battle. I cry out of fear and uncertainty.
But today I cry out of happiness. And once again, for today that’s just good enough.
Violet
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 Wow, how difficult this life of parenting an addict can be sometimes – and how differently the difficulty can arise. Just when you think you are managing – something knocks you down and you must struggle mightily to get back up.
Today my child told me – again – that she can’t believe that I am doing this to her.
She’s thought and thought about this, and she can’t imagine doing such a thing to her child. She doesn’t know how, as a parent, I can live with myself, imposing these legal problems on her. She cannot even think about these legal issues – or talk to anyone about it – because it increases her anxiety so much.
She has come so far, and is not using now. In fact, it is only when she thinks about what I have done to her with these juvenile charges that she thinks about using. And this is clearly my fault. She is setting me up for the responsibility if she uses – and causing me to think about the next time she uses right now. And if she disappears from my life – which she plans on doing as soon as she can – well, it is my fault too. And she hopes I have a good life without her in it. Because she won’t be!
And to the extent that I hope we can work together to resolve our differences – I can forget about that – it simply is never going to happen!
I try to live and to keep my life manageable – one day at a time – but today – after this conversation – my life doesn’t feel manageable at all. And all I can think of is the future – and the past. About how many mistakes I’ve made, and about what I should have done, how strong I should have been, what I should have said – and how that would have made today different.
I know that looking back – what I should have done and shouldn’t have done – will get me nowhere.
And I know that looking forward – what life will be like, whether she will use, whether we will ever be a family again– will get me nowhere either.
But what I know can’t stop the spinning in my head. What I know does not take away the immediate feelings of despair.
I am grateful that I have my fellow PSST parents, and the probation staff and counselors to support me, and I know I will get beyond today’s feelings. But, oh, how difficult this life can be sometimes!
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Where’s Wendell’s / Wendy’s Stuff?
DON'T FORGET TO CHECK BACK FOR NEW PLACES POSTED BY PARENTS
When our kids were growing up we had fun reading the “Where’s Waldo” books. You probably did too. Well, we are going to put together a collection here but in true PSST fashion we will use the pseudonyms of Wendell/Wendy for our friend Waldo.
Finding Waldo must have helped them develop some of their cognitive skills. One of the more common things I hear from parents of teenage users is “Our kids are so clever at concealing their supplies and their paraphernalia. If they could put their ingenuity and knowledge to good use they could be very successful at whatever they wanted to do.”
I remember two such moments.
- The first was in the fireplace clean-out box. I found a bong stashed there for safe keeping [I wondered if he even remembered that he stashed it there].
- The second was a more eye-opening experience. In one of his more clear thinking and honest moments our son pulled his boxing gloves off of the hook in his room. He reached inside and pulled out a pipe. He handed it to his mom telling her “I knew you guys would never look in here.” This was after we had turned over his room looking for stuff.
HERE ARE A FEW OTHER PLACES POSTED BY PARENTS
- Under the trash liners (I keep extra in there) in the garbage can in his room.
In between the cushions and the arm of the couch or chair. In any pillow or part of a couch with a zipper.
Violet
 - Beaver had a VCR in his room and the clever lad took the side off of it, and hid things in there. I only found this after he had been in rehab and I wanted to find the things I had missed in the first 30 go arounds.
He also hid his stash inside his piggy bank. Very clever because when you'd shake the bank it would still jingle.
Our last name isn't "Cle(a)ver" for nothing!
June
- You are so right about if our kids would ever put their know-how to good use. My daughter's hiding places were in a hole in the wall covered with a poster, inside a smoke detector and in a box of Tampons
Nar-Anon Mom
- [this is a short version - see Wilma's complete comment below]
Here is what I've found: Weed in an empty marshmallow bag in a hassock in his room, weed in a baggie in cargo shorts pocket in the laundry basket, baggies with weed residue in a cup on his computer desk.
Found on the floor under his bed, tobacco from cigars in empty video game cases and empty (Why didn't he throw it away? Who knows. I would never have found this or known he was getting high from this.) sleeve of Coricidin cough and cold in a watch case.
Also, a Texas Hold'em tin that had the SMELL that weed had been in there at some time. A clay pipe was hidden under a hat on his computer desk. His dad busted him making a home-made bong. Bam said it was a whistle and unfortunately Fred believed him. [Of course he would - this is a Classic Case of Parental Enabling]
Wilma
 Other parents have reported finding stuff:
- taped to the inside of dresser tops or taped to the bottoms / backs of drawers
- taped to the bottoms of beds and inside mattresses / box springs
- inside musical instruments and their carrying cases
- inside VHS/CD/DVD cases
- taped to the top of a door
- One of the most mentioned hiding places is in their shoes [look inside of the sole or the tongue]. We also understand that you can buy shoes with compartments already in them.
Of course you can go onto the internet and find a whole lot of information on these and other hiding places but what we are looking for here is for you to tell us the clever places [or sometimes not so clever places] your teen has hidden their stuff..
Please respond in the comment section below or send your response to sallyservives@gmail.com
Below are some examples from the fine upstanding responsible "friends" on the internet:
Here is one from our "friends" at Wiki-How called “How to Hide Stuff in Your Shoes”
“Shoes aren't high on the list of places people look for hidden stuff, so hiding things in your shoes can keep them safe. These instructions will work whether you're wearing the shoes or if they are an old pair of shoes that you are just keeping.”
Here is another example from more of our "friends" at Yahoo Answers:
“...if your bed is in the corner against the wall hide it in that corner since most parents look around while your asleep they don't want to wake you up. also try hiding it in a jacket in your closet since it’s not cold anymore use that jacket in the back of the closet an hide your stuff in the inside pockets. DON'T hide it underneath your mattress or your drawers! Also if is a small item try out your shoes....that's another good place. Now the last place and trust me its the best place..well 2nd best place its in the walls...in your closet on top towards the door cut out the sheet rock and use the frame of the door as the floor to your hiding spot. make sure you clean up the mess if you decide to cut out the wall. THE BEST PLACE also is in the air condition vent! keep a screw driver in handy an don't forget its up there when your parents decide to clean the air ducts"
Here is another example from even more of our "friends" at YouTube titled “4 of My Greatest Stash Spots”
The video suggest using cameras, using speakers [all electronic equipment is good], using cases for i-pods [or any plastic case] noting that odors will not get out and here is a good one, that I admit that I would not of thought of, hide stuff in the hollow tube that supports your bicycle seat.
[Editor's Note: Don't you wish that these "friends" that run these sites would come out from hiding under their rocks in their cyber-world and explain, in person, what type of public service they think they are really providing?]
Here are a few more [unedited] suggestions from other web sites written by some actual ‘Subject Matter Experts':
- … behind my coin holder on my dash. Its broken so you can just pull the whole thing out and behind it is a perfect spot for my pipe. The cops would never look their (not that I would know about cops searching your car) but I dont know if a K-9 drug dog could find it. That hasn't happened yet.
- …in various appliances and objects. I have a really old tv in my room that I can take the back off of, and in the space I can fit my pipe, bag, and lighter. I stopped using that because it became a hassle to unscrew it every time I wanted to smoke. I've also hidden bags in flashlights with no batteries in them... just make sure your parents won't ever try putting batteries in it. Another good thing to do is tape your bag to the top of your fan if you have one if you don't use it too much.
- … personally, Like battery compartments on boom-box's.
- … i stash it at the back of this ally under this 1 huge weed patch... another grat place is in an old coat pocket in your closet that you like never wear.
DID WE MISS ANY HIDING SPOTS? LET US KNOW.
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 A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He descended a bit more and shouted to a man on the ground, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man on the ground below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees North latitude and about 80 degrees West longitude."
"You must be a sponsor," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me, I believe, is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've probably delayed my trip."
"Well," said the man on the ground, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect other people to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
- anonymous NA member
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My Date with the Drug Detection Dog
As I have posted on the blog my (newly) 17 year old son, Bam Bam, is in an adolescent inpatient recovery facility. A few weeks ago we found out that he would probably be getting a home pass. Bam Bam was REALLY anxious for this to happen.
I wasn't sure if this was because he missed being at home, missed his dog, (us??) and all that was familiar to him - OR - did it mean that he had some hidden stash he didn't want me to find.
I decided that before he was back in the house again I needed to know.
My local police department does not have a drug sniffing dog [When I called them, the dispatcher said I was the first person to ever ask her about drug sniffing dog and thought it was a good idea.]
So I called the Allegheny County Police who told me they only had an explosives dog. The officer who answered my call sounded a little suspicious when I asked about the drug detection dog but relaxed when I told him what I needed it for.
I tried the sheriff's department but got stuck in the "punch 1, punch 2", you get the drift and never got to talk to a person.
I mentioned this at a PSST meeting and Deputy Jessica (aka DJ Jess) gave me the number for "Scent-Tech" Detection Canines. I called them and got an appointment for the day after Memorial Day.
When I called for the appointment I was asked if I wanted a marked or an unmarked car. I chose the unmarked car as I have an extremely annoying neighbor and wanted this visit under the radar in case the nebby neighbor was home. Two men accompanied the adorable black lab who would be searching for controlled substances in my home. I had a couple of tins that had suspicous smells I had found on my search of Bam's room and one of the men confirmed they smelled like weed had been in them at one time.
The search started with my son's room and that is where the team spent the most time. They moved on to the rest of the house and also searched outside.
They didn't find a hidden stash.
I had mixed feelings about this. One part of me was hoping they would find a nice size stash that I could add to my evidence locker. While another part of me was so relieved that there were no drugs hidden in some corner of my house that I never would have found but Bam Bam would have taken out of hiding at the first opportunity.
The owner told me they usually do searches of facilities and I think I may have been their first parent to call for checking the house before a child comes home from inpatient recovery.
For anybody interested the cost was $150 and well worth it.
I wondered if I should of had the marked vehicle come and drive around the neighborhood like an ice cream truck (and maybe paid extra to cruise past a certain house!) if it would made any of the teens a little nervous! Might have given some parents something to think about, too.
Scent-Tech Detection Canines can be reached at 724-203-9226.
Scent-Tech, Inc. works with Labradors as Bomb, Weapon and Narcotic Detection Dogs, and currently has 8 active detection dogs, working in this field
Wilma
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 "I have seen the future, and it's very much like the present, only longer" ~ Woody Allen
Preparing to Launch...
...5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - Wait, I am not comfortable with that!
I apologize in advance if I start to ramble...
We found out yesterday that Bam Bam is most likely going to be discharged from Bedrock Manor in a couple of weeks. And this is prior to his ACT 53 hearing. Apparently, this is how it can be. I haven't called the ACT 53 coordinator yet to discuss this latest development even though I know he can't stay there forever.
I was devastated. I was hoping for at least 90 days. His counselor feels he has made so much progress and that if nothing negative happens she is recommending discharge to home before 4th of July. I said I didn't feel comfortable with him coming home yet. Fred (continuing to hone his enabling skills) agrees with whatever the facility recommendations are and won't argue with them. She asked where I thought he could go so I mentioned a half-way house, Glade Run, self-referral to Outside-In,(anywhere but here)! I'm open to suggestions.
Unfortunately we don't have any relatives that would be able to take him for a month or so. She didn't think Outside-In was an appropriate place as he would be just finishing the program at Bedrock Manor, the 1/2 way house was a possibility and she wasn't sold on Glade Run. Our HSAO service coordinator was also at this meeting and she will help also with the next step. The counselor's recommendation is that Bam Bam come home, we will have a written plan with the rules, referral to SHORES for D&A and possibly re-open MST.
I said that I Would Not go back to the way things were BEFORE.
Several times when I mentioned certain things the counselor would say that that was before and now we are going forward. We all have to compromise. I said what about property damage and she agreed that is not acceptable.
I brought up that when there is a disagreement Bam Bam doesn't go to his own room to cool off he stalks me through the house and usually punches something (though so far it hasn't been me).
Well then we can call for crisis team (they make it all sound so simple, don't they. I told her that we've tried that and it didn't work but she repeats, once more, that that was BEFORE. And so it went.
All I can think of is I will again be locking my bedroom door everyday, sleeping with my purse, not carrying money. Bam Bam will not be allowed to be home alone and I'll have to take a harder look at possible valuables that I don't want to disappear. I may need a bigger safe. At least I've had the drug dog to check for any hidden drug stashes.
Fred and I are not on the same page with everything and Bam Bam works this. Also, Fred is retired and he is the one who is home during the day and will be responsible for implementing the home program and supervision. He thought we were too hard the first time around when Bam Bam came home so this time I think he is going to be all for less restrictive measures.
And this arrangement didn't work too well BEFORE.
Prior to the meeting the facility nurse stopped me to tell me that Bam Bam's medication was changed yet again yesterday. Bam Bam is constantly complaining that his ADHD medication isn't working, he complained about the Prozac so he started a new med yesterday and was already complaining about it.
How can he be sent home if his medication isn't even stabilized???
Medications and dosages have been changed at least as many times as weeks he has been in placement. A week hasn't gone by that he hasn't seen the doctor at least once sometimes more for some ailment or other.
I'm sure he isn't the only kid that does this however this is his behavior at home and it apparently hasn't changed. Is it another manipulation??
We are assured that all aftercare appointments will be made before discharge. This has to happen because in our life BEFORE when Bam Bam was discharged from the psych hospital in December 2010 the hospital had not made a single aftercare appointment so we went home with nothing. There were no smiling faces then.
Now its time for the family programming.
There are two male speakers and we have a full house. At this meeting some kids were there even though their parents weren't. The two speakers are recovering addicts and they shared their stories with us. I couldn't stop crying.
The second speaker said that when he was in about 8th grade he felt he was on a balance beam and his "good friends" were on one side and the "using friends" on the other and he was balancing between the two groups. Unfortunately, he fell into the "using friends" group and now is on probation until 2014 and has been through many programs. He is clean and very grateful that he is alive. He added that he had many friends who are not alive due to their drug use.
I'm hoping the kids took something away from these stories especially my kid. I liked the balance beam analogy as this is where Bam Bam was after 9th grade and he of course went with the using "friends", his best "friends" now.
I know for now he is clean, however, he thinks he can hang out with the same people and not use even if they are. He thinks these "friends" won't pressure him to use again.
We had talked about one friend in particular who I know is selling drugs out of his house and the counselor suggested that "Eddie" would have to come and talk to us in person and prove himself. Right now there is now way in he!!??& that I want Bam Bam to be around this kid. We had forbidden him to see this kid BEFORE but of course we busted him hanging out with this kid anyway.
So what is the point?
I can't monitor him 24/7 and once he gets freedom back I know he is headed straight to Eddie. I would be VERY surprised if he gives this kid up at least right now.
Also, at family programming a couple of weeks ago when we were talking about driving Bam Bam tells me that most of his friends drive better when they are high! And I'm supposed to feel comfortable about him being out with them? I'm supposed to let him learn to drive?
Well, maybe he can learn to drive but once he gets his license he will have to get his own car and his own insurance. Could be he'll be driving when he's 18.
We had a discussion several months ago where I told Bam Bam that he couldn't get his permit as long as he had a positive drug screen and he told me this wasn't fair.
Just because its positive doesn't mean he JUST smoked for goodness sake!
Don't I know it doesn't matter if you test positive if you get caught by the police if you weren't actually smoking right then?
I truly believe just being in our community, at least right now, is the biggest trigger of all. He is going to have to get a job but I don't think that's likely to happen immediately. The one place that would have his "in" job is the store where he was caught shoplifting - so that is off the table.
Anyway, thanks for letting me get this off my chest.
Wilma
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