Over the years we have collected/shared hard-won information, skills, and techniques a parent needs to help a teenager with a drug problem save his own life. (CLICK ON THE LOGO ABOVE to return to the home-page for this blog.)
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UPCOMING MEETINGS **** PSST meetings will be discontinued for the next several months. Once we have determined a re-start date for the meetings, we will post that information on this website. ****
Check the calendar on the right for the date and location of our next Saturday morning meeting. Meetings are held from 9-11:30am. The first Saturday of the month we meet at the Eastern Probation Office in Wilkinsburg; the second Saturday is at Trinity Lutheran Church in Wexford; and the third Saturday is at Sts Simon and Jude School in Greentree.
We always hope to see new parents in attendance. If you've been thinking about coming to one of our meetings, why not make this the one?
Please click on thumbnail maps below for directions.
There is an eminem and rhianna song that my son likes
( amazingly I like it too ). its a song / rap about domestic violence but the one phrase describes mine and my son's relationship a lot.
Maybe our relationship isn't as crazy as it seems Maybe that's what happens when….
a tornado meets a volcano All I know is I love you too much to walk away We are at odds so much of the time I feel like we are the tornado and the volcano (don't know which of us is which) but I'm not giving up on him whether he likes it or not.
As usual, we had a great turnout in our Wilkinsburg meeting location, which also happens to be the Juvenile Probation office of our leader Val Ketter, who was in attendance with PO's Lloyd and Rebecca and The Wesley Spectrum team of Kathie T, Jocelyn and Justin.
With Rebecca acting as leader, we went around the room for each parent to give the "Reader's Digest" update of their situation. After a break we worked on the following role plays:
Role Play #1 New parent Joan (welcome to PSST, Joan! Keep coming back!) has a 19 year old daughter Melissa. Melissa started drinking in high school until a bout of alcohol poisoning set her straight for a while. But in her senior year, she met some new friends, became rude and obnoxious, was removed from her place as captain of her sports team, and in the National Honor Society. By this time she was smoking pot and snorting opiates. She was picked up for shoplifting and finally asked Joan for help. Melissa went to NA by herself (not through a rehab program); she made new NA friends who helped her stay clean for a while. She went on to freshman year at college, but started a downward spiral, becoming depressed and drinking more. She went to campus counseling, but by Christmas break, Melissa was "a mess" according to mother Joan. Joan and Melissa agreed that she needed to take a leave from school to get straightened out. Joan told Melissa that she couldn't be in the house when Joan wasn't there, but Melissa broke in anyway. Joan told her she had to leave. Melissa couch surfed with her NA friends, who convinced her to enter a RTF. Melissa did not take the program seriously, and received an "administrative discharge". Melissa's NA friends are totally on to her, and will not speak to her at this time. Joan made a contract with Melissa; she could live in the basement, was forbidden upstairs, and had a lock put on the door to ensure this. If she broke the rules or used, she would be kicked out of the house. Melissa finally agreed to try a different RTF, and was clean for 31 days, but left the program. She continues to live in the basement. She has asked her mom if two of her friends from college could come and visit, as they were "good influences" and although they drink socially, they are committed to helping Melissa by not drinking in her presence - what should Joan do? We played it out, with Joan playing her daughter Melissa, and yours truly acting as Joan:
Melissa: Mom, can my two friends come to visit? They promised to stay in the basement with me, and even offered to stay in a hotel if you weren't comfortable with them being here. Joan: Well, they do seem like nice girls...but I am not yet comfortable with you having anyone over. Melissa: (indignant)WTF?? Why? I just told you they wouldn't drink around me! I told you they HELP me, they even went to NA meetings with me! I can't go on like this all alone in the basement! Joan: (agreeing)Being in the basement all the time sure does SUCK... Melissa: it is worse than that...it BLOWS! Joan: I agree - it is a miserable way to live! Melissa: I know, so will you let me have my friends in for a visit? Joan: (LEANS IN )Melissa, I am going to tell you something you aren't going to like. In fact, you are going to be wild...and if at any time you don't want to sit here and talk, please feel free to leave the room. I am not comfortable with your two friends coming in for a visit. The answer is no. Melissa: WHAT?? I thought you understood how unhappy I am! Why can't I have my friends over? Joan: I'm not comfortable with it. Melissa: You are so unfair! You don't care if I rot in the basement alone! Joan: You are so right, honey, you really do think I am unfair and that I don't care! Melissa: Right! So can they come? Joan: No...but I sense you have the need to ask me again. Melissa: huh?... Joan: Go ahead, ask me again. Melissa: Can my friends come in? Joan: No. Would you like to ask me again? Melissa: Mom, can my friends please come to visit? Joan: No. Do you need to ask me another time? Melissa:(finally understanding that she is getting nowhere)@#$%!!!
Techniques we used in this role play: agree with your teen whenever you can - it surprises them that you would agree about anything lately. Please note: you are not agreeing to their demands, or agreeing that they are correct in their thought process. You are agreeing with something you are comfortable agreeing with - if they are angry, you can agree that they are really angry! If they say you are so rotten, you can agree that you have become really tough! The second useful phrase that we PSST-ers rely upon is "I'm not comfortable" rather than saying no and feeling the need to, or be pressured in to,explaining why. There is not a lot to say back to a parent who says "I'm not comfortable with that". It may actually stymie them for the moment. The only thing they can really respond with is "WHY" - to which the parent responds again with "I'm just not comfortable with that". Another technique used here is the "prepare the oppositional teen for disappointment twist"...Newbies, listen carefully. Our teens are oppositional, which sets them up to DISAGREE with anything we try to tell them. So we are setting them up to prove us wrong. When you are about to give difficult information-or simply to say "no" to your ready-to-explode teen, prepare them. Say "I have something to tell you that you will not be happy about" - being oppositional, they begin to think "ha, they think I won't like what they are going to say, but I'll show them...I just may like it!" You tell them "if you at anytime get so angry that you feel the need to walk away, I won't be angry if you do". Again, in their mind, they say "if they tell me I can leave, I'll show them...I'm staying!" Of course, they may end up leaving, or blowing up. But in my experience, my kids actually sit, listen and do not walk away. It was a real coup for Mel and me! And now,one of my personal favorites, "Ask me again". When you have said "I'm not comfortable" and "No" enough times for the meeting to be over, but your child is relentless in asking for something, just respond as above: "the answer is still no, but I see you still need to ask...so, ask me again". Continue this 3 or 4 times, and your kid will walk away in disgust (as mine finally did - this technique REALLY WORKS!) An important addition to what you say....your body language. Lloyd reminded us to lean in towards your kid...get into his personal space, make him feel the discomfort. That one is a difficult one to remember to do, but it is a physical position of power. You need not limit this to when you are serious or angry. You can do it to good effect when you are saying how much you love them! And through all of these difficult interchanges, it is always appropriate to say "you're right, I am a real jerk for not doing what you want, but this jerk loves you so much, she'd do it all again, just to keep you alive and safe".
Role Play #2: Our super veterans Rocco and Sally needed to work out some issues with son Cisco, who is in an adult half-way house. His hearing for probation is coming up, and Cisco believes he doesn't need the supervision any longer. He is sick and tired of probation, and wants to do things on his own. His parents feel differently:
Cisco: are you guys still going to those parent meetings? S & R: yes Cisco: You guys are the ones who are addicted to parent meetings! I want to move on and get rid of Lloyd. R & S: That is a great goal for you, son. Why? (AGREEMENT) Cisco: Now for the first time in my life, I want to stay clean and HE is stealing my accomplishments. If Lloyd says I have to do something, and I do it, it isn't "real" because it didn't come from me! S & R: We agree with you on that. Nevertheless, we are not comfortable with you not being on probation yet. (AGREE & NOT COMFORTABLE) Cisco: This isn't about YOU!! This is MY recovery! S & R: Well, we aren't sure we understand...I mean Lloyd isn't really even around that much... Cisco: That's what I am talking about! He really doesn't even do anything. He acts like I need to do stuff for him, but I really need to do it for me. R & S: (LEANING IN) Cisco, we are really proud of that statement; it says a lot about how much you have worked. You have really come a long way! As long as you are working your program and doing ok, you really shouldn't have any problems with probation. (AGREEMENT) Cisco: So you admit I'm doing well! S & R: Yes, we feel we can see the light at the end of the tunnel with you! However, you are not out of the tunnel yet, so we are not comfortable backing you on this one at this time. But if you keep working your program seriously, I know one day we will! (AGREEMENT-NOT COMFORTABLE-PRAISE) The discussion after this scenario was - the PARENTS HAVE THE POWER! They are the ones making a decision about their son, not the PO. They will take the blame/rage/anger that may come up after this talk, but they will also be the power to recon with. Don't be afraid of your kids anger towards you - see it as a sign that he/she REALIZES YOU ARE IN CONTROL! They are testing you by pushing your buttons, waiting to see if you mean what you say. Take it as a compliment of sorts - what you are doing is working!
I have not received word from Cisco that he has cancelled the hearing and accepted the fact that his parents believe he needs to remain on probation.
This PSST Mom and this PSST Dad have reached a new level of change.
We have been taught well by Lloyd and Kathie and have gained insight from all the wonderful parents at PSST. (These people are our dear friends and probably know us better than anyone). Cisco thinks he knows us well also. Why does he want off of probation right now? Because he thinks he stands a chance at gaining the power back because he thinks the power is with Lloyd and PSST. He does not get it yet. He should not be allowed off of probation until he realizes that Mom and Dad have the power.
Rocco and Sally will stand side by side in court and state that Cisco is not ready to be off of probation.
Cisco is still contacting friends that he used drugs with. So called friends who are not in recovery and can drag him down so low and so fast that there is a good chance that he would be found dead in some God-forsaken alley.
Cisco is still impulsive and spoke (very recently) about running from placement if he knew he could get away with it. He ran three times from two other programs. When he ran he bought drugs with money from his college fund and started selling on the streets.
Cisco is still too manipulative.
He will have to learn that good things are worth waiting for and they need to be rightfully earned.
"We must be willing to leave behind the life we had envisioned for our child in order to save their life as it is."
I love this quote from the blog. We are living this right now.
Even though I know my son isn’t going to be living the life we had hoped for him I am still having a hard time accepting it.
When I see kids he goes to school with, and used to be friends with, and they are all doing the stuff a typical Junior in high school would be doing, and having fun, I ache that mine chose to get high every day, jeopardize his future by not going to school, shoplifting,etc,etc.
I’ve seen pictures on Facebook with these happy kids doing fun stuff and am sad for all of us and jealous at the same time.
Our house has basically been a prison since Christmas Eve when "Bam Bam" came home from the hospital. But last Friday we let “Bam Bam” go out with a couple of his borderline friends. (I don’t think he has any now, that he hasn’t gotten high with).
Then Sunday we were letting him watch the superbowl at a friend’s house. When I went to check; they weren’t there. The friend’s sister called her brother to see where he was and, even though she didn’t mention I was there, I think that tipped them off. Within minutes of me heading to the other location "Bam Bam" called me to say he was heading home and had been out riding around. (I Didn’t believe it but couldn’t prove otherwise.)
We let them watch the game at our house. I was tempted to drug test him even though he didn’t appear to have used but I’ve missed that before. I knew he would be tested at his evening drug rehab.
Anyway, thanks for the wonderful quotes and great information on the website/blog.
Hi Sally, Thought I would share my most recent experience and insights…especially in light of a recent quote on the blog saying to the effect “take the blame, take the power…"
Elroy is now in an in-patient treatment center with 2 other teens (let’s call them X & Y) whose parents are active participants in PSST. He seemed to be adjusting fairly well… and then… he was informed that his case would be transferred to a new P.O.…
…LLOYD!
Through the grapevine he found out that X & Y also were under the umbrella of Lloyd. Elroy being a typical teen went about his way of getting the scoop on “this guy Lloyd”.
Both X & Y were in agreement…Lloyd was tough and “always votes for long-term placement”, which left Elroy shaking in his boots.
Elroy also found out through Y that, “All 3 of our parents attend that “Lloyd Group”… (I guess meaning that we are “Lloyd’s Group Groupie’s”). Elroy had a few days to chew that fat over.
Fast forward to the next visiting day….
… A “Shuman Showdown” but with a much less panicked intensity on Elroy’s part.
“Mom…you got to tell that 'Lloyd guy' that if I work hard at this program and do everything I am supposed to do….you will tell that 'Lloyd guy' that I can come home!"
"I heard from Y that his parents may as well be 2 of you! All os you do whatever the P.O. tells you to do.”
I let him vent for a while, and then pulled in the reins and leaned closer to him across the table…..
“Whoa, whoa, whoa…let’s get the facts straight here!
Who do you think stood up in court and said you could not come home?
Who do you think stood up and told the judge that you need treatment?
Who do you think ratted you out on the fact that you were not complying with the stipulations of your Consent Decree?
Who do you think hauled out your drug paraphernalia from our home and filed charges?
Whose name is listed as the petitioner?
Who do you think told the judge that you were drinking?
Who do you think informed your P.O. that you were searching for information about how long Vicodin stays in your system?
So tell me Elroy, just how does that make me a P.O. Puppet?”
At this point Elroy was leaning so far back on his chair, a breath blown in his direction would have sent him on the floor.
A short pause later he said, “Well you got me there.” Knowing Elroy…..this just means “Give me a day or two to come up with a comeback.”
I told him, “Of course I want you home, but I need to feel comfortable with my decision. I want you home when I know you have the tools and the ability to make good, healthy decisions for yourself. So rather than put the cart before the horse, you need to think about what you need to do to make me comfortable. So, shuffle those cards and deal(with it)…let’s finish this card game.” We parents do have the power, we have always had it, we just have to choose to use it. Editor's Note: We also need to learn HOW to use it. Come to PSST and we will show you.
My experience is that it does help me feel as if I am gaining back some of the control of my life that I had lost.
I can’t tell you how good that has made me feel…. worthy of being dubbed one of “Charlie’s Angels”!
************************************
PSST GRIT - Episode II
This could also be titled: Enabling is your own worst enemy in your fight to help your child.
Sitting with my son Elroy passing the time playing cards during a recent visit, Elroy was trying to fill me in on the in’s and out’s of his program.
Explaining the “levels” and privileges that go along with each increase in status, as well as what you had to do…or not do… in order to achieve these new “levels”.
Acquiring a consistent daily point value based on behavior is all part of this process. Elroy said that some of the kids were also demoted a level and a week was added on to their “sentence” for serious infractions. I asked him for examples. He said, “Well, getting caught smoking or being caught with “chew”.
I said, “Smoking….how do they get cigarettes?” Elroy said, “Some parents bring them in.” Shocked, I then in turn asked, “Well, don’t you think the parents know the consequences….an extra week added to their stay?” Elroy said, “I guess.”
A thought sparked in my mind and out shot, “Well, if their parents knew the consequences, I guess that means that they either don’t want them home, or they are not ready to have them home.”
Replaying that conversation in my head on the long drive home that night, I realized that enabling my son by either choosing to ignore the problem (so much easier than doing something about it), choosing not to speak up, choosing to keep secrets, choosing to allow myself to be worn to a nub so that I just caved into his demands out of pure exhaustion….all were sabotaging my efforts to help him.
My enabling him was feeding his illness and I had become my own worst enemy!
Acknowledging that realization to myself, hopefully will be the first step, of many, in my own recovery.
I see myself as an airplane that had been sitting on the run way…. being fueled up with tools I have learned through PSST and the support of my PSST Posse, add in a can or two of fuel cleaner (some insights of my own)….and I have been cleared for take-off. I know that there is a chance that the engines are likely to sputter, may need to return back to the same run way because there has been a malfunction on takeoff, turbulence will surely be encountered, a detour or two will most likely occur, or even perhaps an emergency landing may be needed……..but the trays are up, my seat is in the upright position, I know where the emergency exits are, and I know there will be oxygen available should I need it.
So, I have fastened my seatbelt with the knowledge that I have a flight plan and Air Traffic Control is always available. Share
I have been attending the PSST meetings long enough that I know what I should and should not do. I know how not to enable. I understand how manipulative an addict can be.
At the meetings I can easily point out what the other parents should do to get their child on track.
Now, enter Cisco and my emotions come into play and my logic temporarily goes out the window. I think Cisco used to count on me caving and doing things his way because he instinctively knew that my love for him would turn me into a marshmallow.
Well this is not Burger King anymore and I do not like marshmallows.
The issue at hand is that it is time for Cisco's six month probation review. When his Public Defender called him, Cisco jumped at the chance to say YES! when asked if he wanted to get off of probation.
It was not a good sign that Cisco took this upon himself and did not consider that it should be a group decision of Cisco, Jerry; director of the recovery facility Cisco is in, Lloyd; Cisco's PO, Kathy; Cisco's Therapist and both Rocco and myself. As it stands only 1/6 of the people involved feels that Cisco should be released from probation at this time. The other 5/6 of us thinks he needs to be on probation until he finishes his program and accepts his recovery.
Rocco and I took Cisco to apply for his driver's permit last Saturday. This is one of Cisco's goals he is working on. The line was long and Rocco and I took advantage of this time with Cisco to discuss the upcoming hearing. We made sure we let Cisco know that we were "not comfortable" with allowing him to be off of probation at this time. In fact, I felt it was necessary to tell him emphatically that we would do every thing in our power to keep him on probation until he completes his recovery program that he is currently in.
Cisco clearly heard our message and understood that we were serious; this was obvious because he transformed into the completely obnoxious and ungrateful Cisco.
Little did he suspect that by becoming ungrateful he was simply affirming our convictions about keeping him on probation.
We filled a lot of the visiting time by letting him drive with his crisp and new permit. He drove very well, had great control of the vehicle and had a nice mix of confidence and caution. I chose to sit in the back seat with my seatbelt secured while Rocco became the driving trainer. It was so pleasant to witness father and son at this moment. Rocco was calmly giving just enough instructions and Cisco was attentive and following rules of the road. (When one has an addictive son it is a treat to witness them following any rules whatsoever.)
The day went on but Cisco still had a chip on his shoulder because we would not budge on our decision to fight to keep him on probation. We allowed for some of his moodiness but did not give in to any important things. For instance, he asked if a friend could come over to visit and we did not cave at this.
He was getting crankier so I asked if he wanted (an early) return to his recovery facility. He answered yes but then quickly changed his mind and said he needed to get to an NA meeting. Rocco started the car so we could get Cisco there on time. Cisco sat on the porch stoop and smoked a cigarette. I stood and watched cautiously because Cisco was not in a good mood.
He was weighing things out. I could almost see the gears working in his mind. He knew we would fight in court and we were successful when we did this last time. It was dawning on him that he was surely going to be in his recovery program for several more months. I stood several feet away, arms folded and silent.
He asked me if I would call Lloyd if he ran. I quietly but firmly said yes I will. The smoke from his cigarette blew downward and out of his nostrils. He hung his head and rubbed his hands through his shortly cropped hair.
Suddenly, he got up and walked to the car; we were on our way. He decided he needed to go to the NA meeting.
He was in a better mood after the meeting. We went to a restaurant for some dessert and Cisco commented that he felt sure that he would be able to finish his program. It is difficult for him to realize that he still needs probation. He said he would call the PD on Monday.
(The PD was not ready to give up yet. Sally needs to rejuvenate at her knitting club! So my story continues tomorrow.)
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Saturday, February 05, 2011
This commercial shows us the child's early grab for power and how natural it is that children reach out for it. Children vary. In some, the force is strong from the very beginning.
Happy Superbowl to all PSST parents everywhere. :-) Share
"When are they going to get it?" "I wonder if they are ever going to really change? "
"I have tried pleading, begging, getting angry, being extra polite and tried making deals with them."
"If they would just listen to me, follow my plan and do what I ask them to, things would be better off for everyone."
"Why can’t they just think logically?"
"They are so-o-o-o-o-o-o frustrating. I guess it’s ‘cause they are just parents. They don’t get it."
"What is a kid supposed to do?" You CANNOT want your teen’s recovery more than they want it. If you do; you give your teen the power back.
You cannot do their recovery program for them, as much as you wish you could.
Remember - Recovery is not a cure. Recovery is a lifelong process. It begins in treatment, but it doesn't end when treatment ends. How far your teen goes in their recovery is really up to them. It is a choice to change their lifestyle.
To put it another way recovery is like dieting. Dieting helps you take off weight. But diets come to an end. Once you reach your goal weight it is now up to you to keep the additional weight off. If you do not change your lifestyle you will be on your next diet in short order. No one can want it more than you do and no one can do it for you.
Initial recovery can take years. It can be a very difficult process for both your child and for you to handle on your own. Your child is an addict and a master manipulator. You as a parent will have your doubts and your weak moments and, on occasion, your son or daughter may play on them. They use guilt and other manipulative tactics to persuade parents and other family members to continue enabling them in their behaviors.
Falling back into this trap will inevitably lead to frustration, worry, anger, sleepless nights, and all manner of toxic behaviors in attempting to deal with addiction/co-dependency problems.
If you feel you are falling back into co-dependent behavior try the following:
You don’t need to give instant answers – it is okay to tell your son or daughter that you need to think about it or to discuss it further. Impulsive responses now may lead to regrets later.
Go to meetings – try PSST or your local chapter of Families Anonymous, Nar-Anon, Al-Anon or Alateen.
Join a home group – find a meeting you feel comfortable with and attend on a regular basis.
Find a sponsor – find someone at the meeting that you feel at ease with and exchange phone numbers – agree to call each other as needed in a crisis or just to talk.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help – talk to your spouse, partner, minister or a co-worker or friend that you can trust.
Get counseling / therapy as required – get professional help (note that if a counselor makes you feel uncomfortable - try another one – one size does not fit all)
Get active (in the program) – helping others in recovery will help you.
"One day at a time - this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so it will be worth remembering."
Take a minute to watch this clip about what heroin metaphorically does to your brain, your relationships and your life. Lindy suggests that you go to YouTube and type in "Brain on Drugs." Share Read More......
"From the Deep South to California, emergency calls are being reported over exposure to the stimulants the powders often contain: mephedrone and methylenedioxypyrovalerone, also known as MDPV.
Sold under such names as Ivory Wave, Bliss, White Lightning and Hurricane Charlie, the chemicals can cause hallucinations, paranoia, rapid heart rates and suicidal thoughts, authorities say. The chemicals are in products sold legally at convenience stores and on the Internet as bath salts and even plant foods. However, they aren't necessarily being used for the purposes on the label...
...Dr. Mark Ryan, director of Louisiana's poison control center, said cathinone, the parent substance of the drugs, comes from a plant grown in Africa and is regulated. He said MDPV and mephedrone are made in a lab, and they aren't regulated because they're not marketed for human consumption. The stimulants affect neurotransmitters in the brain, he said."
Here is a link to the article in the PITTSBURGH POST GAZETTE concerning the 'Bath Salts' already being carried (or about to be carried) by smoke shops and convenience stores near you! Sent in by an attentive PSST Mom.
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Thursday, January 27, 2011
More snorting 'bath salts' -click on picture for story.
This memo from the desk of Russel Carlino, Director Juvenile Probation.
----- Original Message -----
From: Carlino, Russell
To: [Juvenile Court Managers]
Sent: Thu Jan 27 17:00:12 2011
Subject: FW: Posing as 'bath salts,' synthetic cocaine sold at local stores
FYI
-----Original Message-----
From: [Daulpin County Juvenile Probation]
Sent: Thursday, January 27, 2011 2:51 PM
To: [Juvenile Court Directors across Pennsylvania]
Subject: FW: Posing as 'bath salts,' synthetic cocaine sold at local stores
Members,
As each of you are aware in December 2010 the federal government took the necessary and required action to ban synthetic cannabinoids. Since the inception of this band Dauphin County (Probation and law enforcement agencies) have seized and confiscated a considerable amount of “Spice and K2”.
If you recall from some of the previous bulletins that I sent out on synthetic cannabinoids I also mentioned a form of synthetic cocaine (scientific name, Mephedrone) that was on the rise. Unfortunately, we have seen a significant increase of juveniles and young adults abusing a product called “Bath Salt”, a marketing form of synthetic cocaine. It has been identified in our schools and is commonly seen in our local gas stations and “mom and pop” convenient stores (click on the link below). This was a concern of mine when the banned was placed on the cannabinoids. Be aware of this product in your respective county. Thanks and be safe.
Subject: Posing as 'bath salts,' synthetic cocaine sold at local stores
People, Places and Things Our teens in recovery are told to stay away from any people, places and things that will remind them of using.
- Party pals, friends they used with (even if they have been clean for a month), or friends that supplied them.
- Parks, parking lots, schools, convenience stores, certain streets or corners, alleys or other places that they associate with copping, picking up or using.
There's an AA saying: "If you hang out in the barbershop, eventually you'll get a haircut." Staying away from “friends” is one of the biggest arguments we get from our teenagers in recovery. Until they can give up their people, places and things they are not serious about their recovery. When you confront them about their contact with them they will tell you:
“How do you expect me to give up my friends?”
“They are the only ones that I can talk to.”
“They are the only ones that understand me and won’t judge me?”
“I’m the one that got them to use.”
“Who are you to judge my friends?”
We had this discussion at our Family-Anonymous meeting on Tuesday night. Some wondered how long it would take, if ever, for our kids to “get it”.
Miss Deb summed it up in a way that hit home with a few of us. She reminded us that our children not only can do this but that they have already done this once. This is something she said she reminds the kids of in their sessions.
When our children made the choice to start using tobacco/drugs/alcohol they made the choice to leave behind their friends, the places they hung out and the things that they used together.
They left the people; these were friends that they probably had for most of their young lives.
They left the places; the gyms, the athletic fields, churches, auditoriums, dance and martial arts studios, skating rinks and scout meetings.
They left the things: balls, bats, karate uniforms, shin guards, dance outfits, skates, scout uniforms, musical instruments and their dreams.
They had no trouble leaving any of these people, places or things.
They didn’t have their parent’s help.
They didn’t have counselors to guide them.
They didn’t have meetings to explain the steps to change their lifestyle. They didn’t have booklets and websites telling them where and when their “meetings” to buy and to use were held.
They had no problem reaching out and finding people to help them and advise them on their lifestyle choice.
They didn’t have sponsors to reach out to and talk with when they felt an urge to return to their old ways and to stop using.
They didn’t have transportation issues; they could find their way to “meetings”, even in the middle of the night, to buy and to use.
They didn’t have trouble figuring out methods of financing their habits; they cheated, manipulated, coerced, lied, begged, borrowed and stole with the worst of them.
All on their own, without anyone’s assistance, they were able to give up on all of their people, places and things so that they could slip into the world of substance abuse.
So the next time your son or daughter in recovery tells you how hard it is to give up their “friends” feel free to remind them that they already know how to, they already have the experience and that now they have all the resources in place to help them.
RECOVERY IS NOT FOR WIMPS Recovery is not a cure. Recovery is a lifelong process. It begins in treatment, but it doesn't end when treatment ends. How far your teen goes in their recovery is really up to them.
Recovery is a family process. Like their adolescent, families damaged by addiction can take a couple of years to recover. They will need to change their behavior and rebuild their lifestyle as they go through the recovery process with their child.
It can seem like a very long process but a real commitment to the recovery process can strengthen your family’s well being. The discipline of recovery can bring significant benefit that will help all family members.
Recovery is tough to handle alone. Like any other life threatening disease addiction recovery is somewhere between difficult to impossible to handle on your own. Addiction and recovery can be so consuming that families sometimes lose track of their other needs. Relationships are strained, hopelessness sets in and families can be pulled apart. Because addiction and recovery affects the whole family, it is absolutely necessary to look for professional help and counseling for the whole family.
Look for specialized groups for parents and siblings of the recovering teen in your area. These groups may be offered through your school or church, a family service agency or through your local chapter of Families Anonymous, Nar-Anon, Al-Anon or Alateen.
Parent Survival Skills Training (PSST) is here for all parents, and care-takers, to get the help they need to assist their teens in their recovery. We are made up of parents of teenage substance abusers and addicts who have been, or are going through, what you are going through. We have the assistance of professional counselors and probation officials. We are not here to judge you; we are here to help you. Share
I would like to recommend the following book. It is not a book at all related to parenting teenagers with addiction issues but it is a book that provides some excellent techniques and skills for interacting with them.
I think we all tend to forget that not all of our addicted teen's behavior is related to their drug-addiction; some of their behavior is what one would expect to see from a non-addicted teen. That being said, this book provides very practical skills for dealing with the kind of manipulation that all teenagers use and drug-addicted teens have perfected.~Joy Y.
I thought you would want an update on the "Prodigal's return". Tomorrow will be two weeks since he came home. He had his first random drug screen this week and passed. He has seen his drug counselor two weeks in a row and has an appointment for next week. We are very well aware that this kind of result is the rare exception and don't assume that it will necessarily continue as such, but are grateful for today. ~Joy Y
Thank you for the update. It is good to hear that your son is doing so well and we hope it continues.
No matter what neighborhood we live in or what state or country we are from, we are united by the same challenges.
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There is an eminem and rhianna song that my son likes
