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Quote of the Week
"If I cannot do great things, I can do small things in a great way" ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.
Meet the Parents III - Oct 16, 2010 PSST Meeting Summary - Mt Lebanon
We had another terrific turnout Saturday for our PARENT SURVIVAL SKILLS TRAINING (PSST) Meeting at OUTREACH TEEN AND FAMILY SERVICES in Mt Lebanon, including six new parents.
PSST meetings are open to all parents who are dealing with the distress and difficulties caused by their teenager’s substance abuse. We are here to help empower PARENTS with support, information, advice, skills and techniques a parent needs to SUCCEED in helping their teenager save their own life.
The meeting was lead by Val, Lloyd and Rebecca from Allegheny County Probation and Family Therapist Jocelyn from Wesley Spectrum Services. Speaking for all of the parents who attend these meetings we would like to sincerely thank them for their support and for sharing their experience, understanding and much appreciated humor.
The meeting was attended by eleven parents representing eight families: alias' Daisy, Marcie, Patti, Alice, Sally & Rocco, Violet, Tom & Becky, Helen & Harry
We parents each had a chance to share our own situations and issues.
[The following is not exactly like a court transcript of the meeting but more of a brief synopsis, to the best of my recollection. If I missed anything important or confused stories please feel free to add a comment at the end of this post or respond to sallyservives@gmail.com – Rocco]
Daisy is a single mom of a 15 year old son, we call Ozzie, who is currently in an inpatient recovery facility under Act 53 (asking the Court to declare your child to be in need of involuntary drug and/or alcohol treatment services).
Daisy had a very brief phone call from an agitated Ozzie on Wednesday to tell her that his first Home Pass had been canceled due to his behavior. He did call back a bit later and had some time to discuss the issues. She will see him during the Family visit Time on Sunday.
Daisy is a good example of a typical PSST Parent. When she came to her first PSST meeting about 6 months ago she was a very stressed out single mom with a teenager that was regularly using marijuana and creating total chaos into their home . Like so many of us at PSST her son Ozzie had been a wonderful child that did well in school and sports and that everyone enjoyed being with. Around 14 or 15 they seem to pick up new “friends”, new habits and a totally new attitude; none of them good. They become argumentative, defiant, overbearing louts.
Daisy like many of us became embarrassed, confused, angry, depressed, worried, irritated, perplexed, annoyed, anxious, humiliated, troubled and generally mystified at their child’s behavior (just to name a few of our feelings). We don’t know where, when or why our teen began abusing drugs but we will try anything to stop it.
Daisy tried to work with the school and counselors and finally got some help from Gateway Rehabilitation. In addition she came to PSST. In a relatively short time, and a few boxes of tissues, she has made that amazing transformation that most of us PSST Parents are able to make. She has regained control of her child, her home and her
 life. She has not only been able to clean out her home from top to bottom she actually has time to do some things for herself and best of all just relax.
Her son Ozzie still has a way to go, as most of our teenagers do, but he is now under control and heading in the right direction. Unfortunately there is no quick fix and there are no simple answers to our adolescents’ problems. Never the less the more clean time we can help them achieve the more we can resolve their issues.
Hopefully she will share on the blog how her Sunday visit went. Thanks for sticking with PSST and becoming such a good role model for all of us Daisy.
Marcie is a first time PSST mom. She is divorced with four children. Her 16 year old son’s behavior (just like the rest of our kids) recently took a nose dive. A few weeks ago she was called by the school and told that he was found with marijuana on him. This carries an automatic suspension from school and a juvenile hearing to assign a probation officer to him. Marcie (with many of the same feelings described above) met with the school and made sure that her son (we’ll call him Chuck) was placed into an alternative school while he was waiting to be placed into the other school. She did not need Chuck to be sitting home for a week waiting. In short Marcie has done an excellent job in getting help for her son. Marcie’s problem is her ex-husband, Linus, who doesn’t want to address their son’s problem in the same urgent manner.
Thanks for making it and please keep coming to the PSST Meetings Marcie. We will try to help you deal with your son and his dad in a positive way.
Please check this blog on PSST power words – ‘You’re Right’, ‘never the less’ and ‘regardless’. Read about “Why not to ask why?” and how to do the “PSSTwist”. We’ll reinforce these when you come to the next PSST Meeting (Wilkinsburg on Saturday November 6).
Next was Marcie’s friend Patti, another first time PSST mom. Her teenage son likewise has been “experimenting” with marijuana and defiant behavior. The big difference is that Patti and her husband are on the same page and will not allow their son to manipulate them. Sally and I work very hard to stay on the same page as each other when dealing with Cisco.
If our son tells us that the other parent said “it” is okay, we still verify “it”, in person or by phone or e-mail with each other. Or as someone stated “How do you know when an addict is lying? When their lips are moving.”
This is not to make light of the subject but please be aware at all times of the tremendous manipulative skills teenage addicts develop and their uncanny ability to switch techniques almost the instant they realize that their first method is not working. They can turn from your sweet child to a nagging whiner or an angry monster punching holes in walls and doors in seconds to get what they want.
Thanks for trying PSST Patti. You sound like you already are off to a good start. Please come to some more meetings. Remember to practice "I am not comfortable with that."
Please Note: Expecting to get the same response from a teenage drug/alcohol user that you get from a non-using adolescent will only lead to disappointment, exasperation and frustration.
Another regular PSST mom, Alice (Ralph was busy with their younger son, Ed, at a church work project) was able to make it. Their older son, Norton, has left the state because his recovery and their house rules were both too tough for him to follow. As Ralph pointed out at an earlier meeting their house rules basically boiled down to stay clean and keep up with his recovery program.
Ed, 15, is currently finishing up at an inpatient recovery program. He is about to return home on a home contract with Alice and Ralph and another contract with his Probation Officer. These contracts are very basic and spell out the conditions of what is expected of the teenager in order to remain living at home with their families. It can but does not need to spell out the consequences if they break the terms of the contract. It should also be noted that the contract is subject to periodic reviews by the teen, the parents and the P.O. however contracts are only subject to change by the parents and the P.O. 
Ralph and Alice are another good example of how in less than a year with PSST; they were able to turn their lives around by refocusing on their own well being. They are some of our best PSSTwisters. They have taken the power back in their home to give their sons a chance to work on their own recovery.
Rocco and Sally were next. Their 18 year old son, Cisco, relapsed in August. Since he was still under Juvenile Probation Cisco was placed into an inpatient recovery program. He was doing very well and then on Thursday evening he unexpectedly walked away from the facility and disappeared. Unfortunately P.O. Columbo didn’t find out about it until Friday morning. He and family counselor, and faithful sidekick, Nancy Drew went into immediate action; contacting Sally and Rocco, gathering information and preparing a request for an arrest warrant for Cisco.
Sally tried her best to detach and refocus but was of course concerned about where Cisco went to, where he would stay, who he was with, and which drugs, if any, he might use. Rocco was also apprehensive but tried his best to refocus on the fact that Cisco could not get all that far on $20 and not a lot of street smarts. Sally arrived home early and made sure that all of the windows and doors of their house were locked. She made some calls to some of Cisco’s “friends” that she felt she may be able to trust. They all said that they did not know where he was but would contact her if he called. Sally and Rocco, as well as P.O. Columbo and Counselor Nancy all had doubts that these “friends” would make the call. They all felt that Cisco would eventually be hiding out at one or more of their homes. How long his “friends” and their parents would allow him to hide out was the next question.
I’ve tried to lighten our story up a bit but I do understand the seriousness of the situation and the potential dangers. Sally and I were of course concerned but tried our best to accept the wisdom that this was something that we could not change, the serenity to understand that, along with Cisco’s relapse, this is yet another trial in his recovery process, and the courage to continue on as normally as we could. We thank our P.O. and counselor for their immediate actions and concern they showed us. We also thank our good friends, our fellow PSST Parents, that reached out to us with their messages, prayers, wishes and hugs.
I will let you know that this episode has ended well. Never the less I will keep you hanging on because this story deserves its own post. Stay tuned.
We took a break for Val’s Bosses Day Cake (See Lloyd’s Happy Boss’ Day post), Dunkin Munchkins, chips, soda and coffee. Lloyd then called the meeting back to order (no small task) for the rest of the parents’ turns to share there issues and feelings.
Another of our regular PSST single moms, Violet, has a son, Sal, who has been through several inpatient recovery programs. Like Cisco he has relapsed however thanks to Violet he has accumulated a lot of clean time and is still working to stay clean. He is currently in a half-way house. Violet has made it clear to Sal that he is not allowed back home until he is ready to remain clean and sober and to respect her and her rules. She did not have the best visit with Sal last week but she had the strength to call an end to their meeting, get up and leave without feeling too guilty. Hopefully she will share on the blog how her Sunday visit went.
You have come a long way in a short time Violet! You are the one person who has stuck with your son throughout all of his issues. Thank you for coming to PSST meetings and sharing with us. We are all here for you and for all parents that are striving to make a difference in their troubled teen’s life.
Two new couples, aka Becky & Tom and Helen & Harry, made it to the meeting. Thanks so much for joining us.
 They both have young teenage sons, and like so many of our PSST Teens did, they are getting into the “lifestyle” of Addictive Behavior including deception, defiance, dealing, distancing themselves from family, school and activities, deceit, lying, manipulation and a touch of criminal behavior. This typically will lead to an appearance at a local magistrate’s office or at juvenile court.
Becky gets the first ever PSSTrophy for consulting the blog before attending her first meeting and using the "Cold Water Wake-Up Method" on her teen who didn't want to get up for school. It worked, Becky exclaimed! 
You may have noticed all of the other parents nodding in agreement as you told us about your teens sneaking out, stealing, disobeying and using. We all know how you felt when you explained how puzzled you are on when, how or why you lost control of your children. The description of their behavior was almost identical as our children.
As we discussed at the end of the meeting we will try to go over appearances at juvenile court and at the local magistrate at the next PSST Meeting (Wilkinsburg on Saturday November 6).
We appreciate Becky & Tom and Helen & Harry taking the time to attend the PSST Meeting and hope that you will continue to.
It is understandable that we as parents may beat ourselves up with “What did we do wrong?”
This is pointless.
Teens may choose drugs and alcohol even when they have the most loving, caring parents. Instead of focusing on why, you need to accept that your teen has a problem and look for expert guidance and then refocus on what you can do to assist your teen in their recovery.
You are not alone. We here at PSST are here to assist and encourage you in getting the help you need. PSST will also work with you on how to modify your parental behavior. We have all unintentionally enabled our teens in their quest to obtain drugs and alcohol. Either by providing cash (for lunches, movies, dances, football games, etc.) or overlooking missing items like electronics, clothing, video games, DVD’s, jewelry, tools (wrench sockets), kitchen knives and alcohol.
There was time for a Role Play concerning a mom trying to get her child’s less than cooperative father to get on the same page in dealing with their daughter’s behavior. If your spouse, partner, significant other is not cooperating they are part of the problem; here is a way to handle the situation (once more this is not a transcript but a short version to demonstrate).
First, have a talk with your child’s father without your teen present. Explain how you intend to handle the situation. This gives them a chance to get on board. If they still disagree with what you say or do not want to cooperate; Try the following:
In this role play, the mom is the Concerned Parent, the dad is Mr. Uncooperative and their teen is little Susie:
Susie: “So like I’ll see you mom. I’m going over to Buffy’s party.”
Mom: (Looks directly at her teen. Even though Mr. Uncooperative is standing right at the teen’s side do not even look at him. Focus on the child.) “Susie, let’s keep this short. I know that you don’t like long lectures.”
Susie: “You got that right mom! All you ever do is blah, blah, blah, blah…”
Mom: “You know something, you’re right. Sometimes I do go on too long. So I will keep it short. We told you that you were grounded this weekend because you chose not to follow your home rules.”
Mr. UC: (Very Large Eyeroll towards Susie)
Susie: “Well, like, I stayed home last night. This is Saturday night and I am invited to Buffy’s birthday party.”
Mom: (Ignores Mr UC's eyeroll, maintains eye contact with Susie) “I am sorry about that. I like Buffy and…”
Susie: “Well then it’s okay then I have to get going. They’re waiting out front.”
Mr. UC: “Yeah. Come on her friends are waiting out front.”
Mom: (Do not even acknowledge Mr. UC; Keep your cool and do not break eye contact with your teen.)
Susie: “Dad is right, mom, come on, I have to go. This real-ly sucks!”
Mom: (Stay focused, lean a little closer to your teen and say in a calm, firm voice.) “You are so-o-o-o right Honey. This really does suck. I hate being the one to tell you. Regardless, you understood when you broke the rules that there were consequences. You helped us write them. You are grounded for the entire weekend, birthday party or not.”
Mr. UC: “Sheesh. Give the kid a break. No wonder she is so nervous all the time. You make everybody nervous with all of your dumb rules. At least let her friends stop in.”
Susie: “Yeah, dad is cool, I’ll go and tell them to come in.”
Mom: (Do not even acknowledge Mr. UC; Keep your cool.) “I’m sorry, but I am not comfortable with that. You are not going out and they are not coming into this house.”
Susie: “You're not what? You know what you are? You’re nuts mom. I should call Youth Services on you. I should turn you’re a$$ in for being nuts!”
Mom: (keeping eye contact with Susie only) “You're right Susie, I must really sound like I’m nuts sometimes. Never the less, young lady, you were warned about what would happen. (Still focusing on her teen) Your father is wrong. You are grounded for tonight and tomorrow and tomorrow night. If you can follow the rules, maybe, you can see your friends on Monday. Now we all agree that I talk too much and I said that we wanted to keep this talk short so consider this discussion over. Do you have any questions before I go?”
Susie: “Sh-y-t no.”
Mom: “Okay Susie, thanks for listening. (Be the first to walk away) I will go tell your friends that you won’t be coming with them tonight.”
Sally and I have found that the more we practice role-plays the better we are at thinking on our feet when confronted. When we both react quickly and consistently we keep the power.
Remember our two favorite words NEVERTHELESS and REGARDLESS. Try to get BUT totally out of your vocabulary. Or as one of my favorite people loves to always remind me “Everything you say after the word BUT is BS.”
We did not have time for a Role Play about a court appearance and we hope to start the next PSST meeting with one.
We briefly touched on the phrase “I am not comfortable with that.” This is a great way to stop an argument before it starts. Anytime your teen tries to get you to explain why they can’t do something, your answer should always be “I’m not comfortable with that.” This shifts the blame and the conversation your way and stops your teen’s attempt at an argument. If they ask “Why aren’t you comfortable with that?” Take the blame again with “Gee, I don’t know, maybe it’s just me.” If they use their favorite phrase “I don’t care” cut them off with “Maybe that is part of the reason I am not comfortable.”
We had some final comments to finish up another good meeting and we all left with a little more wisdom and confidence to face our teens and the world of alcohol and drug addiction.
Our Thanks again to all at PSST, and of course our sincere thanks to OUTREACH TEEN AND FAMILY SERVICES for the use of their space.
We look forward to seeing more concerned parents on Saturday, November 6 for the next PSST meeting at
Allegheny County Eastern Probation Office in Wilkinsburg.
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Conversation with a Liar.
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Monday, October 18, 2010
There is no cure for the lying teenager although sometimes they stop lying. They sometimes decide to stop. Why? Not sure. Still, I believe that you can do two things at the same time that may steer your teenager towards telling the truth more.
1. Accept and love the liar just the way he is.
2. Gently prod him towards a more honest life by making decisions about him based on your knowledge that he is not honest. He has not earned trust. Do not trust even when and especially when you believe that he is telling the truth. It is not as important that you believe him to be telling the truth as is the point that he has not earned trust. His word is pretty meaningless and only by acting as though his word is meaningless can you continually drive home the true consequences for lying; i.e., "no one will believe you even when you are telling the truth."
Somehow the parent assumes the responsibility to know when his teenager is lying. Since we are the mother or the father we feel that we should be able to tell. In fact, as Probation Officer sometimes we pride ourselves on being able to tell when a youth is lying. We think that rewarding him when our internal lie detector is indicating "honest" and punishing him or withholding the reward when our internal lie detector indicates "lie," is the way to help.
When we do this we miss the main point. It is and should not be our responsibility to become a lie detector. Yes, sometimes we can tell but sometimes we can't. We can act the same whether or not our lie detector indicates yea or nea. That is the larger consequence. Even when the liar is telling the truth, we can't behave as if he just told us the truth. We have to wait and see. We have to find out for ouselves.
Your son or daughter may be a good liar. You can't always tell and even if you could it is not your responsibility to be a good lie detector- it is his responsibility to be a good truth teller. When we take that responsibility off of him we are enabling him. When we believe him and act as if he is now a truth teller, we rescue him from the consequences of his repetitive lying. That's the definition of enabling: rescuing from the consequences.
Me: Hey, I hear you really did have that cell phone after all?
Julia: Ya. I did.
Me: Cause the last time we talked, you told me that you didn't' have it and that someone was framing you.
Julia: Well, I knew you'd tell them if I told you the truth.
Me: You're right! I would have told them.
Julia: I know.
Me: So, you had to lie! You had no choice.
Julia: Right.
Me: You were forced to lie- you got yourself into a situation where lying was your only option.
Julia: Yeah
Me: Seems like you get into a jam like that a lot, you know, get yourself into a spot where you are forced to tell a lie.
Julia: Well, yeah
Me: Yeah, do you remember what I said when you told me that you didn't have a cell phone.
Julia: No,
Me: I said that you have already admitted that you don't tell the truth until you have to tell the truth; you know until you are caught.
Julia: Well, I wanted to tell you myself and I don't appreciate it that they already told you.
Me: You were going to tell me- I know you were.
Julia: Exactly
Me: You always tell me the truth "after you are caught" not before right?
Julia: Right, but I should have been able to tell you in person- not over the phone.
Me: Right, no doubt that would have been better.
Me: You know what's funny?
Julia: What?
Me: Even after all the lies you told me-I kinda believed you or at least I really wanted to believe you this time.
Julia: I know
Me: I guess you're a really good liar.
Julia: Yeah but that's bad.
Me: Not all the time it's not bad. Sometimes it's good.
Julia: When?
Me: Well, if you were a undercover cop and you had to make heroin buys and put the drug dealers in jail. If they ask you if you were a cop and you said, 'No, I'm not a cop" and then they go to jail. That would be a good job for you cause you really are a good liar!
Julia: Laughs
Me: Or if you were a spy. If you lived in Russia and you were trying to find out important intelligence then you'd be good in that job, cause you're a really good liar, huh?
Julia: Yeah, I guess
Me: Or what if you were an attorney? Some attorney's lie don't they?
Julia: Yep.
Me: So that would be a good job for you- cause you're a good liar, huh?
Julia: I guess so but it's not good for people to think you are a good liar.
Me: Well that depends doesn't it? Cause I don't think you are embarrassed at all by it; you know, by being a good liar- I think you kinda like that.
Julia: Sometimes.
Me: It's a challenge for you to see if you can dupe the PO, it's fun for you to lie and know that I "fell for it again" right?
Julia: Not really.
Me: Well I think maybe it is fun for you- but even if it was you might not tell me cause...
Julia: ...cause I'm a good liar?
Me: Right. But that's not always a bad thing.
Me: Think if you were a department store Santa Claus at Christmas time. And some little kid on your lap wants to know if he can have a Play Station Three for Christmas? You would be really good at that job cause you wouldn't say, 'Sorry Kid, this is just a photo opp! I'm not connected with the real Santa Clause at all. In fact, there is no real Santa Clause is there?
Me: That would suck for the kid so it's a good thing that there are people who are good liars.
Me: What if you were kidnapped by bad guys and they were going to torture you to find me? But you didn't' want to tell them that they could find me at my office in Wilkinsburg so it would be great if you told them I moved to Tanzania. That could throw them off the track and save my life! You'd be totally good at that!
Julia: Yeah, I'm not sure where you're going with this.
Me: Yeah, I can see that you don't. I'm just wondering how this lying is working for you in recovery? I think I heard somewhere that part of the recovery deal is "honesty in all our affairs." Isn't that a cornerstone of recovery?
Julia: Yeah. But I'm not there yet.
Me: Well, yeah, I agree with that- you are certainly not there yet. But you probably aren't the only addict who struggles with that are you?
Julia: No.
Me: Maybe it's harder to stay clean if you continue lying- i'm not sure how that is for you.
Me: I have to tell you something.
Julia: What?
Me: I'm not really surprised that you lied about the cell phone. Cause I knew you don't tell the truth. I mean, you sounded honest when you told me, but I remembered that you are a really good liar and so I didn't really believe you. Sort of. I mean I wanted to believe you but really I think even when you are telling the truth I just don't believe you anymore. Remember I said, if you were lying right now I wouldn't know it?
Julia: Yeah.
pause
Me: Anyway, I'm coming over to see in person tomorrow and we can discuss it. Me, and Patti and Joan.
Julia: Why does Pattie have to be there? She will try to make me look bad.
Me: I suppose she will.
Julia: I don't want her to be there.
Me: Yeah, but she has to be there.
Julia: Why?
Me: Well, because she works there for one thing. For another, I really can't really believe what you say can I? I mean I don't say it to be mean cause I think you are trying to be more honest, and you didn't rob a bank or anything, but being honest is a real challenge for you isn't it?
Julia: Yeah, so?
Me: So that's one reason why I need Patti there- to confirm the real story.
Julia: I'm already caught. I'm telling you the real story.
Me: Sure, sure I know but even when I believe you I really can't believe you. I'm sorry. I can't be sure anymore.
Julia: Oh.
Me: Yeah, so I'll see you tomorrow OK? We'll all talk.
Julia: She's going to try to use this lying against me. She's going to keep bringing it up.
Me: Yup. I'm sure she is.
Julia: I hate that.
Me: Not much apparently.
Julia: What do you mean?
Me: Just that I didn't think that you were that embarrassed cause if you were I thought you'd quit lying and I can see that you haven't done that. I think you're a little embarrassed when you get caught but I also think you think it's cool to put one over on the ole PO.
Julia: Yeah, sort of.
Me: OK, well thanks for this candid discussion. I'm going to try to remember that you're a really good liar. Maybe someday you'll have one of those jobs where it helps to be a good liar. Until then, I'll try to remember that I can't always tell if your lying, you know, like you said, that you don't admit nothing until you're caught red-handed. That's helpful that you admitted that- thanks, really that makes it easier for me to know how to respond to situations.
Julia: I don't think I like that.
Note: The liar won't stop lying over night. It's going to be a long process. At some point a challenge maybe in order. Something big that the teen wants. Tell him that you challenge him that if he could tell no lies for a period of time then he can have the prize and then say that you're not worried about it because you don't think they can go, for example, three months without telling a lie. They say they can. The challenge is on.
Don't make a bribe out of it. A bribe is presented at the time of the negative (lying) behavior. Wait until they want something and then challenge them. Don't present it at the time of the lie per se. Bribes reinforce negative behavior. Challenges, however, are the biggest motivators. The teen should almost come up with this himself or at least feel that it was sort of his idea too.
If he fails the challenge, tell him lying isn't overcome easily and don't berate them. Let him know it's OK to fail but on the other hand, don't give them the prize either. Set a new challenge if appropriate. Make the challenge difficult enough so that the teen will really have accomplished something.
The premise to this approach is that there is a struggle going on with the liar. He is a rebel. The more you try to force him to tell the truth, the more he needs to lie to prove that he is his own man. Let him know that you know he more than likely can't stop lying. That you expect that. That it factors daily in your decisions.
Suddenly, he is not a rebel. He is, by continuing to lie, doing what you expect him to do. You've just taken the fun out of lying. Now he is predictable and all your decisions about him factor in this one idea: that even when he is telling the truth you can not believe him. He is a great guy in so many ways but his word is pretty meaningless. Now you ride it out. Don't expect changes over night but over time, and time is now on your side, he may grow tired of doing the predictable dishonest thing. And when he seems ready for a challenge- go for it.
This girl above is over 20 years old. She asked me when I am going to close her case. I told her if she could not lie and not get into trouble for sneaky behaviors at the recovery house where she lives, that I would check with the other professionals and with her parents and "shake on it" when I come over to see her. Then, if possible I will make a deal to close her case in three months if she can be honest and refrain from getting in trouble.
Julia: Oh, that's great, I have something to motivate me and now I'm going to really do great here.
Me: I hope you'll pardon me if I tell you that I have trouble believing that.
Julia: Why? It's true.
Me: It certainly sounds true, but I've learned that I can't believe what you say and I think that even if you mean it to be true- it will be very hard for you go three months without getting into trouble or lying. I think a day without a lie for you is like a day without sunshine.
Julia: That's ridiculous.
Me: I agree it does sound ridiculous. But then, I think it was ridiculous for you to lie about the cell phone but there you have it.
Julia: I'm going to prove you wrong.
Me: I think I wouldn't mind being proved wrong but once again, pardon me if I don't hold my breath waiting for you to become honest!
Final thoughts: It is really important that parents and professionals refrain from telling the even the white lie around the liar. If the liar sees that we also lie occasionally, that becomes a justification for them to continue to lie. Also, teens will imitate adults so lets become one of the good role models for our teenager.
"Make yourself an honest man, and then you may be sure that there is one less rascal in the world." Thomas Carlyle
What is the Difference Between a Sociopath, a Compulsive, a Pathological, a Chronic, and a Habitual Liar? Click here for answer. Keep in mind that this approach recommended above is more appropriate for an habitual liar, not for a teenager who has told a lie but not very often.
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 ...you win Three Card Monte by not playing. Don't give your teen that same old nugget of enabling, letting him, or her, know that it's OK to toss down and shuffle the Red Queen. You won't win.
Alice and I continue to help our teenage son, Ed, through his recovery. Ed is cleared to leave his current placement as soon as an appropriate high school is found and Ed is enrolled. You see, Ed can't go back to his old high school, because it is both a "people" and "places" problem for him, even though it's comfortable and would eliminate a new school adjustment.
Alice and I, along with our attack-dog-on-a-leash PO, have been very clear about that, despite multiple requests from Ed: "We agree with you that it would be the easiest school to go to, nevertheless, your old high school is (move in a few inches closer) OFF THE TABLE."
We could have given Ed multiple reasons why it's a REALLY BAD idea to go back to his old high school. We even tried to explain it to Ed. But in the end, he didn't hear any of the explanation until after he knew, "it's really off the table."
So, we have been in the process of finding a new high school for Ed, and one quickly bubbled to the top of our list because of its format and help that Ed would continue to get. If his recovery continues, Ed could even graduate from this high school in a few years, our only real educational goal for Ed.
So, there is a lot involved in getting Ed enrolled in a school that's not on the normal list. Plus, Ed is going to have to interview the school while they are interviewing him. Ed could easily have a bad attitude about the whole thing, since it's not his first choice.
He could have the attitude, "What? I don't get my old high school? Well, I'm just going to mess up the whole process. I don't care if I stay in placement for another year if it means I don't get my pick of schools."
That would be the definition of a very oppositional teen.
Well, Ed didn't say that. We believe he's not quite that defiant, especially when he's not trying to protect his addiction. Plus, Ed still wants to get out of placement. He still values freedom and a normal life over derailing his parents or the PO.
But just how oppositional is Ed?
 There is a street game called Three Card Monte. It's actually not a game, but a scam. You see, the player can never win. There are three playing cards, usually two clubs or spades and a red queen.
The cards are bent down the middle of the long side so that they stand slightly off the table. The "tosser" lets you see the cards and begins rapidly laying them face down on the table and moving them around.
Your job is to pick where the queen is.
Since you saw the queen before the lay-down and shuffle, you can follow it and guess its location. Except that you're wrong! The queen was never laid where you first thought it was. If you do accidentally guess the real location of the queen, the tosser has a shill who will disrupt the game and void your bet. You can't win except in the beginning when the tosser is trying to reel you in.
This scam is called Find the Lady in England, and Bonneteau in France.
The same game is also called the Shell Game and played with a small marker and three cups or shells. The difference in that version is that the marker is secretly removed until after any (always wrong) shell is chosen. You can never win unless you can choose all three shells at once.
What does Three Card Monte have to do with oppositional teens, you may be asking?
Of course, some of you who read this blog have already figured it out. The answer is NOT that you can't win. But rather, you win Three Card Monte by not playing.
Don't give your teen that same old nugget of enabling (letting him or her know that it's OK to toss down and shuffle the red queen). You won't win.
The answer is, we need to be the tosser. Toss your teen some healthy challenges that they can figure out and grow from. Toss them a black queen, because life is going to do that to them until they can figure out life isn't about crime, drugs, or even them.
Toss them all hearts: love, pride, and respect so that they don't have to play Three Card Monte with you or the world!
So, back to the oppositional teen and Ed.
We've been learning to challenge our teens, especially non-suicidal, oppositional ones, by giving them a counter opinion or using "reverse psychology" to build up the opposite position. We can even take it to an extreme opposite to help them see how ridiculous the other side is.
Statements like, "I know this is going to be very hard for you, honey. I'm not sure if you can make it.", seem to motivate teens. Or, "I think it would be OK or up to you if you run away from treatment."
So, I wanted to try this and test to see if it really works. I was too afraid to say, "Ed, I think you will hate the school you are interviewing this week." Like all parents, I'm still learning how to be a parent even though Ed is our youngest of four.
It's a whole new parenting technique that you have to learn for teens with addictive behaviors, too.
So, I feel as stupid as a new parent. You've seen them: the ones who leave the diaper bag in the car and have to punt when an explosion happens. You only get caught on that one once.
And a "hate-the-school" statement isn't quite right either -- it's just an opposite of what I thought, not a strategic twist to counter or build up. So, instead I said, "Mom and I think this school is a really good school choice because of blah, blah, and blah. However, your PO thinks you won't like the school."
The unsaid implication: "You won't like it. So, interview with that in mind." I haven't yet mastered the ability to verbally twist my opinions, so I used another person that teens like to be oppositional with: the PO.
Then I let Alice know, in case there was a question. Well, there were questions!
Ed asks Alice during the interview why the PO would think he didn't like this school. Alice pleads ignorance or insanity. The latter a good defense around teens sometimes.
Kathie T., along for the interview, probably thinks the PO has lost his mind. And Ed calls me immediately after the interview and wants to know what the PO doesn't like about the school. Is there something wrong with it? What does the PO know that he doesn't?!? And where is that pesky red queen? Ed didn't find her.
Well, you can easily guess the next outcome...
...Ed likes the school. While it's not his high school, it is OK and he wants to go there. And, he proved the PO wrong. Ed might be thinking something like this, "That PO doesn't know what he's talking about. It's a good school. Isn't it a great feeling that I can be in control and make my own decisions without that bothersome PO telling me what to do? I might even be smarter than that PO."
He FOUND my opinion about the school by thinking through, in a reverse way, the other opinion. It worked!
For my part, I still am working on learning how to do the twist without over doing it. The technique is to not state (or not over-state) your "great" idea or opinion on the subject, but to state an opinion that allows THEM to THINK about the idea before they act on it.
Further, if the teen is always or sometimes oppositional, and what teen isn’t, you would be agreeing with them, if you state the reverse idea or opinion from yours.
It’s a great technique, if you can get away from the controlling-parent mode and into the teen-helper mode.
Next time, I think I'll try exploring and twisting one of my own opinions, instead of making up an opinion for the PO. It's a lot less complicated that way when your teen and the person whose opinion you made up, are looking for the red queen.
Our PO, who is now clued in to the experiment also, reminds me that we didn't have a Control, so scientifically we don't know if the outcome would have been different had the twist not been brought up. This is true, however, Ed's level of interest in the PO's (fake) statement, at the very least, gives us a clue that teens care about opposing statements.
The PO says that teens ALWAYS love to prove him wrong, and while we don't really know how oppositional Ed would have been, in general, all teens also love to prove their parents wrong. It seems at least that Ed was thinking through having two different, opposing ideas.
Finally, I found something interesting recently that said teens need to be somewhat oppositional, at least to some small degree. It is actually a sign of a healthy teen when he or she is being a little rebellious against the parental control.
The theory stated that it is how they learn to grow up. It is the teen saying, "I want to make more of my own decisions. Even if I screw up, at least it's my decision."
That, as long as it’s not a "safety" issue, is a healthy thing. Teens do have to grow up sometime. And it's probably better that they learn to grow up before they learn to be experts at tossing Three Card Monte at us -- or in the street.
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It was a surprise for Supervisor Valerie Ketter to find that the parents at a fairly large PSST meeting in Mt Lebanon wished her a Happy Boss's Day. In fact, several of the parents present had direct thanks for Valerie's help, not just as their Probation Officer's Supervisor, but because of the direct work that Valerie has done with them to help with their teenager. That's one of the things about Valerie: she does not just supervise from the ivory tower (or from the office) but she comes out and sets an example for her Probation Officers by also rolling up her sleeves and doing some direct work. Considering the loyalty and appreciation felt at the Parents Meeting towards Supervisor Ketter probably none would have disagreed with the following quote: "One measure of leadership is the caliber of people who choose to follow you." ~Dennis A. Peer No doubt there was a pretty high level of caliber eating this cake. PSST wishes Supervisor Valerie Ketter all the best and offers heartfelt thanks for all that she has done over the years to make PSST a successful parent community. Especially PSST thanks Valerie for all the hard work she has done on behalf of PSST parents who are trying desperately to save their teenager's lives. Without her support and hard work there would be no PSST. Share
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 Drugs and Alcohol are Equal Opportunity Destroyers
”One of the most difficult things to accept as a parent is that we do not have control of our children. Once we can accept that, we can look for ways in which we can help them to avoid self-defeating behaviors.
As long as parents think they can bribe the child to not use drugs or control him with threats and punishments, they will not look for what they can do that can be effective."
PSST is here to help parents determine if your child has a drug or alcohol problem, how to stop enabling and codependent behavior and how to assist you to help your child. If you even suspect that your teen is using drugs or alcohol please come and talk with us at one of our meetings. Try the links that are posted on the PSST Website.
Following is a condensed version of an article by Dr. Twerski. To read the entire article click on the title below:
Substance Abuse in Adolescents: Detection, Treatment and Prevention - an article by Rabbi Dr. Abraham Twerski
Use of mood-altering chemical among adolescents is at an all time high. It is important for parents to know that a drug is a drug is a drug.
Parents may have a false sense of security, “He’s only using alcohol,” or “He’s only using marijuana, not cocaine.”
Which youngsters are at risk of getting into trouble with alcohol or drugs?
All of them!
Chemicals are an “equal opportunity destroyer.”
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No parent wants to suspect their child of drug use, but parents must remain alert. The following warning signs are “red flags.”
They do not mean that your youngster is using drugs, but they should raise suspicion.
Family
Change in attitude towards parents and siblings
Isolating in one’s room
Lying
Breaking curfew, sneaking out at night
Blaming others for irresponsible behavior
Selling possessions
Stealing
Strange, secret telephone calls
Has money but no job
Physically or verbally violent
A variety of excuses for improper behavior
School
Drop in grades or achievement levels
Skipping classes or days of school
Dropping out of extra-curricular activities
Defiance of teachers
Breaking rules and regulations
Excessive sleepiness
Fights and confrontations
Frequent suspensions
Changes in Behavior
Withdrawn, overly quiet
New "friends" (trust your intuition here)
Confused, disoriented
Odor of alcohol or too much perfume, cologne or after shave
Erratic eating and sleeping patterns
Poor hygiene
Overly defensive
Easily upset
Mood changes
Started using street language
Dilate pupils
Reddened eyes
Nervous, agitated, trouble sitting still
Religious Behavior
Decreased attendance
Ignores rules
Cynical, skeptical
Legal
Underage Drinking
Accidents
Careless driving, Driving while under the influence
Possession of drugs
Selling drugs
Thefts, shoplifting
The Role of the Family
One of the most difficult things to accept is that we do not have control of our children. Once we accept that, we can look for ways in which we can help them to avoid self-defeating behaviors. As long as parents think they can bribe the child to not use drugs or control him with threats and punishments, they will not look for what they can do that can be effective.
If parents suspect that their child may be using drugs, they should promptly consult an expert in drug treatment. The warning signs listed above are not evidence that the child is using drugs, and are just things that should heighten the parents’ awareness. What to do next should be advised by an expert in the field.
There are many competent psychiatrists, psychologists, counselors, ministers, priests and rabbis who have not been trained in the understanding and management of substance abuse, and their well-intentioned advice may be misguided.
An expert in substance abuse problems can help the parents in their relationship to the child, and tell them what is and what is not effective.
If an adolescent uses drugs, he may still maintain a relationship with his parents, but he may also be very defiant. The parents may be shocked to discover that they cannot exert any authority over him.
“Should we insist on urine tests? What if he refuses to go? What can we do when he does not come home until 3AM? Can we lock the door and leave a 15 year old on the street? What can we do when he throws obscenities at us? How do we protect our other children from being harmed by his behavior? If I know he is selling drugs, should I report him to the police?”
These and many other questions arise, which obviously are too complex to be addressed in this article.
Again, guidance from an expert in substance abuse is crucial.
It is understandable that parents may beat themselves up with “What did we do wrong?”
This is futile.
Their teens may opt for the high of drugs even if they had the most loving, caring parents. Instead of focusing on the past, the parents should accept expert guidance and refocus on what they should do now.
It is important for parents to become knowledgeable about drugs. What are the dangers of marijuana? What is Ecstasy? What is Oxycontin? When and how should I discuss alcohol and drug issuess with my teen?
Summary
Parents! There is no quick fix and there are no simple answers to the following commonly asked questions.
How can I tell if my child is drinking excessively or using drugs?
- If some warning signs are present, consult an expert in substance abuse treatment. Read the recommended material.
What constitutes effective treatment?
- This varies. It will depend on the evaluation by a competent addiction therapist.
What can parents do to be helpful in a child’s recovery?
- Attend family support groups (like PSST), get competent counseling, and read the recommended material
What can parents do to prevent their child from abusing drugs/alcohol?
- Read up on effective parenting techniques. Make the home a truly spiritual home.
Modern society has diluted and even eliminated traditional values. The parenting techniques of previous generations may not be strong enough to enable children to withstand the temptations of modern society.
If we realize the dangers to which our children are exposed, we can adopt techniques that will strengthen them so that they will be able to cope with today’s challenges.
Abraham J. Twerski, M.D.
Founder and Medical Director Emeritus
Gateway Rehabilitation Center
Copyright © Rabbi Abraham J. Twerski. All Rights Reserved.
As noted above PSST is here to help parents determine if your child has a drug or alcohol problem, how to stop enabling and codependent behavior and how to assist you to help your child.
If you even suspect that your teen is using drugs or alcohol please come and talk with us at one of our meetings. Try the links that are posted on the PSST Website.
Dr. Twerski reccomends the following reading material that can help parents become more knowledgeable about alcohol and drugs.
The following books and pamphlets are available from Hazelden Foundation, 1-800-328-9000.
How to Tell When Kids are in Trouble with Alcohol/Drugs
Raising Drug-Free Kids in a Drug-Filled World (Perkins & Perkins)
Points for Parents Perplexed about Drugs (Hancock)
Parents, It’s Not Your Fault (Skoglund)
Setting Limits (Lafountain)
Addictive Thinking (Twerski)
When Your Teen is in Treatment (Perkins & Perkins)
The Truth about Pot (Baum)
Choices and Consequences (Schaefer)
Helping Your Chemically Dependent Teenager Recover (Cohen)
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Summary of the Oct 9, 2010 PSST Meeting
We had a good turn-out for the Oct 9 PSST Meeting in Wexford with 9 parents representing 7 families, including one veteran PSST Parent returning to join us.
This was our One Year Anniversary at our Trinity Lutheran Church location in Wexford.
Our PSST Pros, Lloyd, Val, Kathie and Jocelyn. We all had a chance to welcome Rebecca who is doing her internship with the Juvenile Probation Office. Don’t worry Rebecca you will have your chance to do a couple of role plays in no time. We are always glad to have another perspective at PSST.
After opening announcements everyone had a chance to tell as little, or as much, as they wished about their teenager/parental relationship.
There was an interesting exchange of information and we had a chance to share our knowledge and wisdom along with some tears and laughter.
Our first Mom has a 15 year old son who is currently in an inpatient recovery facility under Act 53 (asking the Court to declare your child to be in need of involuntary drug and/or alcohol treatment services).
She attended a really good parent’s night at the facility last week featuring an appearance by Lloyd and Kathie. She reported that it was well attended by parents and that they had a good question & answer session. She was especially pleased when a counselor reported that following the meeting her son complained “Man, that guy tells them everything. I can’t get away with anything!” Her visits since then have gone better.
Our next mom had a good visit with her 18 year old daughter. She and her husband were strong enough to stand up in court several times this summer. They did everything they could to see that their daughter was placed back into an inpatient recovery program. Because she had turned 18, because of her relapse and her rapid descent into the desolation of drug abuse they knew they had to intervene as soon as possible. The court finally understood the situation and the parent’s intentions and ordered her into an inpatient recovery program.
Their story serves as a good example of advantages of working with the probation office and the courts to get the most help for your troubled teen.
PSST is here to help you get the help you need to save your child’s life.
Our third mom, currently has two sons in recovery. Her older son is living at home and her younger son is at an out of state boarding school. She and her husband took a trip to visit their younger son at a parent’s weekend. She reports that their visit was a good one and that their son is doing well. We discussed how some of our teenager’s thrive in a more structured and disciplined environment.
She also mentioned how the other parents visiting the school from around the country all said that they wished that their communities had a program addressing and assisting parents like PSST does.
Our returning veteran mom has not has it easy. Her son now lives with her but has been in and out of programs and facilities for the last few years. She has stuck with him throughout his ups and downs and has fought for the clean time that he has. While he has not turned the corner yet he is still alive. He demonstrates how difficult it can be for our children to control their drug addiction.
We discussed how it may be time to give him an ultimatum to work harder at his recovery or to find another place to live since he is now in his 20’s. Another halfway house or a three-quarters house may be a solution for now. This may or may not be the permanent solution for him but it will give his mom a chance to relax and restore some order and some peace in her home and a chance to refocus on her own mental, physical and spiritual well being.
This mom also attends meetings at “Bridge to Hope” and recommends it to all families confronted with substance abuse and addiction. Like PSST, Bridge to Hope meetings are free and open to the public.
Another mom attends our meetings as an observer (she works for a counseling agency) and as a mom of a teenager who has “experimented” with marijuana for a short time. We certainly welcome observers and are always glad to have another perspective at our PSST meetings.
Lloyd suggested to this mom that she should surprise her son by testing him for drug and alcohol use. Besides the relatively small chance that he might still be “experimenting” this reinforces the message that this mom will not tolerate drug/alcohol use in her home.
See Lloyd’s post “I’m Not Going to Pee in That Cup!”
We had a couple who have two sons. The older son has left the state because his recovery and their house rules were both too tough for him to follow. As the dad pointed out their house rules basically boiled down to stay clean and keep up with your recovery.
He is 18 and decided it was time to try life on his own. They heard through a mutual contact that their son was recently picked up while hitch hiking by an old acquaintance. This person runs a recovery program. They are hoping that this might be the person that can get through to their son.
Their younger son has recently completed his inpatient recovery program. He is getting very anxious because he will not be released from the facility until an alternative school is set up for him. His parents have made it perfectly clear to him that he will not be returning back to his high school.
 The dad pulled a “PSSTwist” on his son. He actually gave it an “extra twist” and it appears to have worked.
They found an alternative school that they liked but were afraid their son would not accept their choice. So before he went to visit the school his dad let him know that “Lloyd thinks that you will hate this place and you will not want to go there.” After his visit he told his parents that Lloyd must be crazy, it is a really cool school.
Sometimes it is good to prepare our oppositional teens with a “PSSTwist”. You can do this, as this dad did, to gain an advantage to start a conversation.
When we visit our son in placement we learned to start tough conversations with “We want to tell you something that you may not like. So we just want you to know that you have our permission to get up and go back to your room if it is too hard for you to hear.” This worked in different ways. A couple times it kept him at the table to show us that he could take it. The couple times that he did get up and leave he did so quietly without an outburst or punching walls.
The other type of “PSSTwist” is used during the conversation.
Once again see Lloyd’s post “I’m Not Going to Pee in That Cup!”
Our teens are very good at throwing their own “Twist” into conversations with us parents. You need to really think on your feet and be able to counter with a good “PSSTwist” to get control of the conversation back. Toss them a few little agreements but keep the conversation going the direction that you want it to.
Something like a mom talking to her teen. “You’re right honey, I do need to change. I really need to stop worrying so much. Thanks for helping me see what a b—ch I have been. I think I will start by not worrying so much about hurting your feelings and work more on stopping you from hurting yourself. I think that we can start by taking away your cell phone. You know honey (lean in a little closer) I will try my best not to raise my voice any more. But I will continue to be a crazy b—ch if that is what it takes to keep you clean.”
The “PSSTwist” takes some practice to be ready to use it when needed. PSST meetings are a great place to get the practice and encouragement to be prepared. BTW - Don't be discouraged if you miss an opportunity to twist - there will be a next time.
Our last couple has an 18 year old son who relapsed in a few weeks following 6 months in an inpatient program. As a result he is in another inpatient program. It is still awhile until he is scheduled to complete his program but they are already thinking that it would not be a good thing for him to return home.
The parents feel that home is too much of a trigger for him. They are afraid that even if he completes this program and gets a full time job that it would take very little for him to relapse and feel comfortable attempting to be living off of his parents again. They feel he needs the responsibility of making it on his own to make his recovery work.
Their son also really needs to work on his selection of “friends”. Even what he calls his “Good Friends” are "iffy" at best and are probably the one thing that can bring him down the quickest.
The parents have also come to enjoy the calm and quiet in their home. They like the ability to come and go without the worry of who is doing what in their home while they are at work, on vacation or at a PSST Meeting.
What they have finally come to accept is that not all of our teens will make it after one recovery program (inpatient or outpatient). A wise lady told me when our son was in his first program, “Miracles happen, but not that often.” It can take multiple programs and a couple of years for some addicts to accept their recovery.
Don’t let this discourage you. Remember they didn’t become addicts overnight and it may take awhile longer for them to recover.
After break with coffee, tea, donuts, muffins, peaches and another beautiful cake (with vanilla mousse filling – Yummy!) we had time to try a couple of role plays.
The first role play, with Lloyd and Sally, was to explain to an adult son that he was going to need to find another place to live when he completes his inpatient program.
The son tried his best manipulative skills (you don’t care about me, I may as well use then, you just put me here so that you can party, vacation and go to those stupid PSST meetings, I’ll just go to jail then). 
The mom responded with her best PSST skills of staying calm, presenting him with those little agreements and holding firm to her message that “You need to find another place to live.”
This is not ever a comfortable thing to do but then there are still a lot of addicts, teen and adult, living at home abusing drugs, alcohol and their families.
At PSST we are trying to demonstrate how to put an end to this behavior.
In a caustic co-dependent relationship the parent sacrifices having a worthwhile life of their own. It is important for parents to know how to meet their own needs, independent of what their child is going through. This is not the same as abandoning your child. This is refocusing on your own well being, and empowering yourself, to make hard choices for your child that they cannot make on their own.
The second role play, with Max and Rocco, was about surprising an expectantly clean teen (that had experimented previously) with a drug test. If all goes well they will give you a really strange look, probably question your sanity but will give you a sample to test, along with a severe eye roll.
If for any reason they seem to take it to the next level and refuse to cooperate, either not being able to give samples on command or being outright defiant, you can take this as a confirmation that they will test positive and you will need to deal with the consequences for them.
Once more see Lloyd’s post “I’m Not Going to Pee in That Cup!”
Those of us that could stayed around a little bit longer to add our closing comments and discussions. All of us parents left with a little more wisdom and confidence to face our teens and the world of addiction.
As a PSST Parent once told us “I never wanted to visit the world of addiction but now that I am here I will learn all that I can to help myself, my family and my child.”
 On this first anniversary of being at this location we would all would like to sincerely thank Trinity Lutheran Church for the use of their first class facilities to allow PSST to empower parents who are learning how to manage their troubled teenagers.
This is another great example of how Trinity Lutheran has been reaching out and serving Wexford and the northern suburbs since 1845.
We look forward to seeing more concerned parents next Saturday, October 16 at the PSST meeting at
Outreach Teen and Family Services located in Mt. Lebanon at 666 Washington Road
(There is free parking in the back lot).
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Here is a quote that 'Ralph Kramden' asked me to post on the PSST blog.
Yesterday on "Undercover Boss",
Mike White, President & CEO of DirecTV said it. (CBS 9PM, 10/10/2010)
"Trying to cope with a child who has a drug problem, I would say, is the biggest challenge I have had as a parent." ~ Mike White, President & CEO, DirecTV.
If a CEO of a major corporation, who is managing thousands of people, and
watching out over billions of dollars in corporate revenue, thinks that his
son's drug addiction is the biggest challenge, that really says a lot.
Mr. White talked briefly on the show,about his son's drug addiction at age 17
and how it has affected Mr. White's life.
It is a challenge for every parent with an addicted child, and Mr. White, who is skilled at facing large business challenges in the corporate world, reaffirms it.
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Theme #3: I'm not going to do [whatever you told them to do}Note: Special PSST bonus points and/ or a prize to anyone who can correctly count the number of twists that Dad uses in this role-play. How many agreements does Dad twist? Bring your number into our next PSST meeting to receive your bonus points. Dad: I need you to pee in this cup; I want to get a clean urine screen on our records for you Son. Teen: You gotta be kidden me! Dad: I know, I know, it does sound a little strange; I'm pretty confidant that your clean, but nevertheless, I need a screen. Teen: What have I done to deserve this crap?! Dad: You think I should only test you if I feel suspicious, you know, if I see a sign of some sort that you might be using. Teen: Ya. This isn't fair. Dad: Well, I guess in some ways Son, this isn't fair. I guess I'm not even trying to be fair like that. Teen: Well, that's not fair. Dad: No it's not fair. You're right. Regardless, this is what I need and I need you do do it now Son. Teen: I'm not doing that.
Dad: You're not going to cooperate?
Teen: You heard me. I'm done with that crap.
Dad: Your mind is made up on this then.
Teen: Right. You heard me. Now leave me alone please I got things to do today.
Dad: So, I think I got it.
Teen. This conversation is over.
Dad: Yes, you're right, this conversation is almost over. You don't care what I do, you don't care what the consequences are. It doesn't matter to you if you loose your cell phone, the computer, if I ground you- you just don't care and you're not going to give me a sample of your urine to test no matter what the consequences are. I hear you...so let's just get that part our of the way.
Teen: Why do you have to be such a prick? It's all this little game for you isn't it? Just a [bleep bleep] game, huh?
Dad: Well, there are rules to follow here Son, just like in a game- that is correct.
Teen: So, I loose my cell phone if I'm don't pee?
Dad: Yep. I'm sorry. The rules here, just like what I hope is a very serious game, is that if you don't cooperate with helping us know that you are clean, and I still think you are clean or at least I hope so, but now I guess I'm not as sure of that as I was a few minutes ago, but we need to know, so if you won't help us with that one- just stay home- don't go out- give us the cell phone or we'll turn it off, in which case it's going to be harder for you to get it back, no friends over, no computer and no TV privileges.
Teen: All that for one little Pee?
Dad: All that for just one little donation that you could probably do easily enough- but only if you chose to, and right now as I said, you don't give a rat's bum about all this restrictions, you've just decided that this is unfair and you won't cooperate.
Teen: Oh yeah like I don't care about my cell phone do I? I'll Pee OK?
Dad: OK.
Teen: But I don't have to go right now.
Dad: It can be hard to Pee on demand. Sometimes you need a little time.
Teen: I have to go out somewhere- I'll Pee when I get back.
Dad: That's not going to work for me son.
Teen: glaring
Dad: I know that would for some reason that I don't have to understand, be easier for you Son. But I need it now or else just stay home, surrender the phone, stay off the computer and the TV please and then you can call me when you can pee but I would prefer that you stay in this room with me until you can.
Teen: If I don't?
Dad: Well, it's going to cause me to start to doubt you Son. I don't know that exactly that is going to mean for you but it's a good question- a very good question. I'll talk to your Mom about that one. It' all about trust you know.
Teen: What if I'm not clean?
Dad: Good question Son. Not sure. That would surprise me. I'm not prepared for that one- I just assumed you would be clean. I guess it won't be good for you though.
Teen: What if I'm honest with you about it- so that you don't even have to test me- then you could give me one chance right?
Dad: Well, if your honest that could make things feel better I think.
Teen: What do you mean, "feel better?" I have a feeling I'm not going to feel to good about all this.
Dad: Right, me either. Poor choice of words on my part. I just meant that I'm starting to feel pretty suspicious about things right now; I'm no longer confident that you are clean so if you get honest with me, that would be a good start to rebuilding some trust, which is going to definitely take time to rebuild- we've been down this road before Son, right? Sometimes you'll take the denial thing pretty far you know what I mean.
Teen: OK, I smoked. But only once. Like three weeks ago. It probably isn't even still in my urine, but I'll tell you anyway.
Dad: I'm disappointed Son.
Teen: See? I'm honest and it doesn't help.
Dad: You're right. The honesty thing doesn't always get you out of trouble, doesn't it? Sucks, huh?
Teen: Ya, I wonder why I even try being honest.
Dad: I wonder about that one too- good question.
Dad: Why didn't you just take the chance? Maybe you were clean if it was three weeks ago?
Teen: Cause I wanted to be honest.
Dad: That's good Son, that is a good place to start. Good for you. I just thought that you were so angry that I was testing that being honest was the last thing on your mind. You know how we are when we are angry?
Teen: Well, that and the fact that I knew I'd be caught.
Dad: But three weeks? Couldn't you be clean?
Teen: I don't think so, maybe it was more than once you know, and I don't remember how long ago I smoked but it's not every day or anything.
Dad: I think you being honest is important. Don't put yourself down here man, anyone can make a mistake it's what you do when you make the mistake that sometimes makes the difference and I'm surprised that you are honest about it- you know a year ago you woulda lied like a rug for weeks before you got honest. Remember?
Teen: Ya.
Dad: Well the honesty thing is good. Let's keep going with that. How did you come across weed cause it seems like none of your friends use right now. That's why I'm surprised.
on and on as this leads to either more disclosure or less at which point Dad can challenge Son about this big honesty thing
after all that honesty about what when and whom goes down we come to the p test again.
Dad: So let's get that P test done Son.
Teen: Still, you want to test me? But I was honest?
Dad: Yeah, you were honest. And that's good. Now we'll test just like I said we would 20 minutes ago. Is there a problem with that?
Teen: I don't see the point.
Dad: You're right.
Teen: I am?
Dad: Yes, after what you just went through with me, and you shared a lot here, I don't expect that you would see the point. Nevertheless, I need this urine screen done- lets' get this over with Son.
Teen: Give me one good reason why?
Dad: OK. I don't think you'll think this is a good reason Son but I'm just not comfortable skipping the urine screen. I need to get this done, OK?
Teen: Why aren't you comfortable?
Dad: None of it will make sense to you Son. I'm just not comfortable skipping it. Let's get r done! You know, part of it is that I need to see that you're going to cooperate. That's important to me Son, but I don't think that makes any sense to you.
Teen: OK, OK, I get it Dad. What's going to happen to me?
Dad: Good question. You want to talk about that - I agree- let's get this urine done first, then we'll talk.
Why does Dad insist that we still get a Pee-test?
1. It puts Dad in control. He does need to see that his Son will cooperate.
2. Son might be dirty for something besides marijuana. That will be good to know if that is happening.
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Click here to see added pictures to Rocco and Sally Receive Allegheny County Parent of the Year post. I had a few on there before but no one could see them due to blog problem, but that's fixed now and I added more. Make sure to click "read more" to see them all.
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After an adventurous and fast-paced ride to town Sally and her friends were glad to disembark out of Kathie T's Green Cadillac to meet up with Rocco and his extended family at the Awards Ceremony. The evening was one that left a lasting impression on both Rocco and Sally. It was a pleasure to meet the Juvenile Court Judges and in particular, Judge Dwayne Woodruff (yes, from the 70's Super Steelers!). Judge Woodruff gave an inspirational speech about not letting anyone discourage you from reaching your goals. Sally enjoyed seeing the young winners of the Essay Contest advance on stage for their awards. Rocco agrees that it was encouraging to see youth that may have 'made a bad choice' think about their actions and put it down in writing. Equally encouraging was the winner of the Dennis Maloney Award; Traci Stiger. This Registered Nurse worked very hard to develop a program to teach troubled youth to be EMT's. She spends many hours instructing them. We got to see her first graduate of the program. THIS is the STUFF that MAKES a DIFFERENCE! What an evening. Then "Parents of the Year", Sally and Rocco received a most beautiful plaque. Below is Sally's acceptance speech followed by Rocco's acceptance speech. 
SALLY'S ACCEPTANCE SPEECH
Thank you so very much for this award.
It strengthens me and encourages me to continue my fight against enabling.
A year and a half ago, our son was in a horrible addiction.
My husband and I tried everything but his addiction only got worse.
We felt helpless and very much alone but we kept on praying.
Our son had a car accident which got him involved with the juvenile court system and with a probation officer.
We discovered that getting into the system and having Val Ketter and Lloyd Woodward and Cathy Culbert and Kathie Tagmyer to help us was the answer to our prayers.
Our son is much better than he was at the time of the accident and continues to work on his recovery.
The Parent Survival Skills Training meetings empower me.
There is nothing better than talking with other parents who have the same issues and know first-hand what you are going through.
Each PSST parent has wisdom and sound advice and so much compassion. I wish each one of them could be honored with this award.
For addiction is strong, but together we are so much stronger.
If my mother-in-law were alive today, October 6, 2010... she would be celebrating her 90th birthday.
It is fitting that her son should receive this honor on her birthday for she trained him well.
He is an awesome father.
Thank you all. Thank you very much.
ROCCO'S ACCEPTANCE SPEECH
"By helping others succeed, we help ourselves succeed. Whatever good we give will complete the circle and will come back to us."
One time my company enrolled me in an intensive and comprehensive driving course so that I could transport company personnel. One of our first lessons was to learn to “un-learn” some of our driving skills.
This took some of us out of our comfort zone, especially when they explained Rule #1: “If you determine that there is no way to avoid crashing your vehicle then save yourself first and worry about your passengers later.”
We all felt a little uncomfortable with that. We all had that time-honored ideal instilled in us of sacrificing ourselves to keep others out of harm’s way.
But they made it clear that, as the driver, you are the most important person in that vehicle. You are responsible for keeping as much control of the vehicle as possible. If you are incapacitated, then your vehicle is out of control; so now all of your passengers are in extreme danger.
Looking back over the past few years we can see now that we needed to learn to “un-learn” some of our parenting skills and to try something a lot less comfortable. We, the parents, are responsible to keep control of our family. Otherwise our family is in extreme danger.
We attended our first Parent Survival Skills Training Meeting in early 2007. And quite frankly we were totally overwhelmed. Parents there were talking about their teens using not just marijuana and alcohol but crack cocaine and heroin. Their teens were stealing and dealing to support their habits and refusing therapy. They were being pulled into court and they were running away from treatment facilities.
We couldn’t picture our 15 year old son doing anything like that.
Sure his grades were falling fast, he was a discipline problem at school and at home and he was distancing himself from our family. We suspected that he had tried marijuana, probably some alcohol and we knew that at 15 he was able to pick-up packs of cigarettes whenever he wanted them.
But like so many enabling parents we couldn’t picture our son doing anything like that.
It's not like we stuck our heads in the sand. We accepted that he had problems. We found counselors, psychiatrists, tutors, and advocates to get advice on how to help him. We were on a first name basis with principles, vice-principles and school counselors. We started our run through the "rat-in-the-maze" world of health insurance for behavioral therapy. We spent 1000’s of dollars.
What we got in return from our son was "I don't care."
We didn't understand at the time that this is an addict’s most effective weapon against an unprepared parent but we did come to realize that he really meant it.
Our son, the addict, really didn’t care.
After two years of counseling and chaos, two overdoses and a couple of visits from the police we were not sure what options we had left. We were drained emotionally, mentally, physically and financially and, guess what, our son still didn't care.
In May 2009 we finally came back to attend our second PSST meeting for advice on how to get him whatever help that was left. Since that meeting we have, at least for now, saved our son's life and, just as importantly, we have saved our own lives, our marriage and brought order back into our home. As my wife recognized a while back “We always were good parents. We just weren’t good parents of a teenage addict.”
PSST pointed us in the right direction, helped us to get our addicted son into the system and to get the care that he needed. We got to meet other parents, just like us, who assured us that we were not crazy. They were not there to judge us, they were there to do what they could to help us. One defining moment for me came at our 2nd or 3rd meeting when another parent turned to my wife and said “See, you can laugh again.”
I want to give a heartfelt thank you to our PSST Pro’s; Val Ketter and Lloyd Woodward from the Allegheny County Probation Office and Cathy Culbert and Kathie Tagmyer from Wesley Spectrum. They continue to demonstrate to parents that the Allegheny County Juvenile Court and Probation System do work for us parents and for our children.
We would also like to extend our sincere appreciation to all of our fellow PSST Parents who have listened, encouraged and passed on their wisdom to us along with some serious hugs when needed.
PSST is a special place for parents - it allows us to strengthen ourselves mentally, spiritually and physically so that we can take back the power and control in our homes and our lives.
We would like to thank the Allegheny County Juvenile Court, and in particular Hearing Officer Robert Banos, who has worked with us in helping our son get the help he needs. Our son has achieved around 13 months of clean time in the last 16 months and is still working at it. He has also earned his G.E.D. Diploma. I even think he is starting to care.
We sincerely appreciate this recognition of our efforts to reach out to other parents and young addicts and to show them that there is help and that there is hope and that the Allegheny County Juvenile System really does work.
By helping them succeed, we are helping ourselves succeed. Thank you.
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life. She has not only been able to clean out her home from top to bottom she actually has time to do some things for herself and best of all just relax.
