Summary of the Oct 9, 2010 PSST Meeting
We had a good turn-out for the Oct 9 PSST Meeting in Wexford with 9 parents representing 7 families, including one veteran PSST Parent returning to join us.
This was our One Year Anniversary at our Trinity Lutheran Church location in Wexford.
Our PSST Pros, Lloyd, Val, Kathie and Jocelyn. We all had a chance to welcome Rebecca who is doing her internship with the Juvenile Probation Office. Don’t worry Rebecca you will have your chance to do a couple of role plays in no time. We are always glad to have another perspective at PSST.
After opening announcements everyone had a chance to tell as little, or as much, as they wished about their teenager/parental relationship.
There was an interesting exchange of information and we had a chance to share our knowledge and wisdom along with some tears and laughter.
Our first Mom has a 15 year old son who is currently in an inpatient recovery facility under Act 53 (asking the Court to declare your child to be in need of involuntary drug and/or alcohol treatment services).
She attended a really good parent’s night at the facility last week featuring an appearance by Lloyd and Kathie. She reported that it was well attended by parents and that they had a good question & answer session. She was especially pleased when a counselor reported that following the meeting her son complained “Man, that guy tells them everything. I can’t get away with anything!” Her visits since then have gone better.
Our next mom had a good visit with her 18 year old daughter. She and her husband were strong enough to stand up in court several times this summer. They did everything they could to see that their daughter was placed back into an inpatient recovery program. Because she had turned 18, because of her relapse and her rapid descent into the desolation of drug abuse they knew they had to intervene as soon as possible. The court finally understood the situation and the parent’s intentions and ordered her into an inpatient recovery program.
Their story serves as a good example of advantages of working with the probation office and the courts to get the most help for your troubled teen.
PSST is here to help you get the help you need to save your child’s life.
Our third mom, currently has two sons in recovery. Her older son is living at home and her younger son is at an out of state boarding school. She and her husband took a trip to visit their younger son at a parent’s weekend. She reports that their visit was a good one and that their son is doing well. We discussed how some of our teenager’s thrive in a more structured and disciplined environment.
She also mentioned how the other parents visiting the school from around the country all said that they wished that their communities had a program addressing and assisting parents like PSST does.
Our returning veteran mom has not has it easy. Her son now lives with her but has been in and out of programs and facilities for the last few years. She has stuck with him throughout his ups and downs and has fought for the clean time that he has. While he has not turned the corner yet he is still alive. He demonstrates how difficult it can be for our children to control their drug addiction.
We discussed how it may be time to give him an ultimatum to work harder at his recovery or to find another place to live since he is now in his 20’s. Another halfway house or a three-quarters house may be a solution for now. This may or may not be the permanent solution for him but it will give his mom a chance to relax and restore some order and some peace in her home and a chance to refocus on her own mental, physical and spiritual well being.
This mom also attends meetings at “Bridge to Hope” and recommends it to all families confronted with substance abuse and addiction. Like PSST, Bridge to Hope meetings are free and open to the public.
Another mom attends our meetings as an observer (she works for a counseling agency) and as a mom of a teenager who has “experimented” with marijuana for a short time. We certainly welcome observers and are always glad to have another perspective at our PSST meetings.
Lloyd suggested to this mom that she should surprise her son by testing him for drug and alcohol use. Besides the relatively small chance that he might still be “experimenting” this reinforces the message that this mom will not tolerate drug/alcohol use in her home.
See Lloyd’s post “I’m Not Going to Pee in That Cup!”
We had a couple who have two sons. The older son has left the state because his recovery and their house rules were both too tough for him to follow. As the dad pointed out their house rules basically boiled down to stay clean and keep up with your recovery.
He is 18 and decided it was time to try life on his own. They heard through a mutual contact that their son was recently picked up while hitch hiking by an old acquaintance. This person runs a recovery program. They are hoping that this might be the person that can get through to their son.
Their younger son has recently completed his inpatient recovery program. He is getting very anxious because he will not be released from the facility until an alternative school is set up for him. His parents have made it perfectly clear to him that he will not be returning back to his high school.
The dad pulled a “PSSTwist” on his son. He actually gave it an “extra twist” and it appears to have worked.
They found an alternative school that they liked but were afraid their son would not accept their choice. So before he went to visit the school his dad let him know that “Lloyd thinks that you will hate this place and you will not want to go there.” After his visit he told his parents that Lloyd must be crazy, it is a really cool school.
Sometimes it is good to prepare our oppositional teens with a “PSSTwist”. You can do this, as this dad did, to gain an advantage to start a conversation.
When we visit our son in placement we learned to start tough conversations with “We want to tell you something that you may not like. So we just want you to know that you have our permission to get up and go back to your room if it is too hard for you to hear.” This worked in different ways. A couple times it kept him at the table to show us that he could take it. The couple times that he did get up and leave he did so quietly without an outburst or punching walls.
The other type of “PSSTwist” is used during the conversation.
Once again see Lloyd’s post “I’m Not Going to Pee in That Cup!”
Our teens are very good at throwing their own “Twist” into conversations with us parents. You need to really think on your feet and be able to counter with a good “PSSTwist” to get control of the conversation back. Toss them a few little agreements but keep the conversation going the direction that you want it to.
Something like a mom talking to her teen. “You’re right honey, I do need to change. I really need to stop worrying so much. Thanks for helping me see what a b—ch I have been. I think I will start by not worrying so much about hurting your feelings and work more on stopping you from hurting yourself. I think that we can start by taking away your cell phone. You know honey (lean in a little closer) I will try my best not to raise my voice any more. But I will continue to be a crazy b—ch if that is what it takes to keep you clean.”
The “PSSTwist” takes some practice to be ready to use it when needed. PSST meetings are a great place to get the practice and encouragement to be prepared. BTW - Don't be discouraged if you miss an opportunity to twist - there will be a next time.
Our last couple has an 18 year old son who relapsed in a few weeks following 6 months in an inpatient program. As a result he is in another inpatient program. It is still awhile until he is scheduled to complete his program but they are already thinking that it would not be a good thing for him to return home.
The parents feel that home is too much of a trigger for him. They are afraid that even if he completes this program and gets a full time job that it would take very little for him to relapse and feel comfortable attempting to be living off of his parents again. They feel he needs the responsibility of making it on his own to make his recovery work.
Their son also really needs to work on his selection of “friends”. Even what he calls his “Good Friends” are "iffy" at best and are probably the one thing that can bring him down the quickest.
The parents have also come to enjoy the calm and quiet in their home. They like the ability to come and go without the worry of who is doing what in their home while they are at work, on vacation or at a PSST Meeting.
What they have finally come to accept is that not all of our teens will make it after one recovery program (inpatient or outpatient). A wise lady told me when our son was in his first program, “Miracles happen, but not that often.” It can take multiple programs and a couple of years for some addicts to accept their recovery.
Don’t let this discourage you. Remember they didn’t become addicts overnight and it may take awhile longer for them to recover.
After break with coffee, tea, donuts, muffins, peaches and another beautiful cake (with vanilla mousse filling – Yummy!) we had time to try a couple of role plays.
The first role play, with Lloyd and Sally, was to explain to an adult son that he was going to need to find another place to live when he completes his inpatient program.
The son tried his best manipulative skills (you don’t care about me, I may as well use then, you just put me here so that you can party, vacation and go to those stupid PSST meetings, I’ll just go to jail then). 
The mom responded with her best PSST skills of staying calm, presenting him with those little agreements and holding firm to her message that “You need to find another place to live.”
This is not ever a comfortable thing to do but then there are still a lot of addicts, teen and adult, living at home abusing drugs, alcohol and their families.
At PSST we are trying to demonstrate how to put an end to this behavior.
In a caustic co-dependent relationship the parent sacrifices having a worthwhile life of their own. It is important for parents to know how to meet their own needs, independent of what their child is going through. This is not the same as abandoning your child. This is refocusing on your own well being, and empowering yourself, to make hard choices for your child that they cannot make on their own.
The second role play, with Max and Rocco, was about surprising an expectantly clean teen (that had experimented previously) with a drug test. If all goes well they will give you a really strange look, probably question your sanity but will give you a sample to test, along with a severe eye roll.
If for any reason they seem to take it to the next level and refuse to cooperate, either not being able to give samples on command or being outright defiant, you can take this as a confirmation that they will test positive and you will need to deal with the consequences for them.
Once more see Lloyd’s post “I’m Not Going to Pee in That Cup!”
Those of us that could stayed around a little bit longer to add our closing comments and discussions. All of us parents left with a little more wisdom and confidence to face our teens and the world of addiction.
As a PSST Parent once told us “I never wanted to visit the world of addiction but now that I am here I will learn all that I can to help myself, my family and my child.”
On this first anniversary of being at this location we would all would like to sincerely thank Trinity Lutheran Church for the use of their first class facilities to allow PSST to empower parents who are learning how to manage their troubled teenagers.
This is another great example of how Trinity Lutheran has been reaching out and serving Wexford and the northern suburbs since 1845.
We look forward to seeing more concerned parents next Saturday, October 16 at the PSST meeting at
Outreach Teen and Family Services located in Mt. Lebanon at 666 Washington Road
(There is free parking in the back lot).
Summary of the Oct 9, 2010 PSST Meeting
Posted by:Rocco--Monday, October 11, 2010
A child with an addiction is a challenge; even for a competent, corporate leader ~ Ralph Kramden
Posted by:Sally--Monday, October 11, 2010
Here is a quote that 'Ralph Kramden' asked me to post on the PSST blog.
Yesterday on "Undercover Boss",
Mike White, President & CEO of DirecTV said it. (CBS 9PM, 10/10/2010)
"Trying to cope with a child who has a drug problem, I would say, is the biggest challenge I have had as a parent." ~ Mike White, President & CEO, DirecTV.
If a CEO of a major corporation, who is managing thousands of people, and
watching out over billions of dollars in corporate revenue, thinks that his
son's drug addiction is the biggest challenge, that really says a lot.
Mr. White talked briefly on the show,about his son's drug addiction at age 17
and how it has affected Mr. White's life.
It is a challenge for every parent with an addicted child, and Mr. White, who is skilled at facing large business challenges in the corporate world, reaffirms it.
Do the Twist part Two and I'm not going to Pee in that cup!
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Sunday, October 10, 2010
Theme #3: I'm not going to do [whatever you told them to do}
Note: Special PSST bonus points and/ or a prize to anyone who can correctly count the number of twists that Dad uses in this role-play. How many agreements does Dad twist? Bring your number into our next PSST meeting to receive your bonus points.
Dad: I need you to pee in this cup; I want to get a clean urine screen on our records for you Son.
Teen: You gotta be kidden me!
Dad: I know, I know, it does sound a little strange; I'm pretty confidant that your clean, but nevertheless, I need a screen.
Teen: What have I done to deserve this crap?!
Dad: You think I should only test you if I feel suspicious, you know, if I see a sign of some sort that you might be using.
Teen: Ya. This isn't fair.
Dad: Well, I guess in some ways Son, this isn't fair. I guess I'm not even trying to be fair like that.
Teen: Well, that's not fair.
Dad: No it's not fair. You're right. Regardless, this is what I need and I need you do do it now Son.
Teen: I'm not doing that.
Dad: You're not going to cooperate?
Teen: You heard me. I'm done with that crap.
Dad: Your mind is made up on this then.
Teen: Right. You heard me. Now leave me alone please I got things to do today.
Dad: So, I think I got it.
Teen. This conversation is over.
Dad: Yes, you're right, this conversation is almost over. You don't care what I do, you don't care what the consequences are. It doesn't matter to you if you loose your cell phone, the computer, if I ground you- you just don't care and you're not going to give me a sample of your urine to test no matter what the consequences are. I hear you...so let's just get that part our of the way.
Teen: Why do you have to be such a prick? It's all this little game for you isn't it? Just a [bleep bleep] game, huh?
Dad: Well, there are rules to follow here Son, just like in a game- that is correct.
Teen: So, I loose my cell phone if I'm don't pee?
Dad: Yep. I'm sorry. The rules here, just like what I hope is a very serious game, is that if you don't cooperate with helping us know that you are clean, and I still think you are clean or at least I hope so, but now I guess I'm not as sure of that as I was a few minutes ago, but we need to know, so if you won't help us with that one- just stay home- don't go out- give us the cell phone or we'll turn it off, in which case it's going to be harder for you to get it back, no friends over, no computer and no TV privileges.
Teen: All that for one little Pee?
Dad: All that for just one little donation that you could probably do easily enough- but only if you chose to, and right now as I said, you don't give a rat's bum about all this restrictions, you've just decided that this is unfair and you won't cooperate.
Teen: Oh yeah like I don't care about my cell phone do I? I'll Pee OK?
Dad: OK.
Teen: But I don't have to go right now.
Dad: It can be hard to Pee on demand. Sometimes you need a little time.
Teen: I have to go out somewhere- I'll Pee when I get back.
Dad: That's not going to work for me son.
Teen: glaring
Dad: I know that would for some reason that I don't have to understand, be easier for you Son. But I need it now or else just stay home, surrender the phone, stay off the computer and the TV please and then you can call me when you can pee but I would prefer that you stay in this room with me until you can.
Teen: If I don't?
Dad: Well, it's going to cause me to start to doubt you Son. I don't know that exactly that is going to mean for you but it's a good question- a very good question. I'll talk to your Mom about that one. It' all about trust you know.
Teen: What if I'm not clean?
Dad: Good question Son. Not sure. That would surprise me. I'm not prepared for that one- I just assumed you would be clean. I guess it won't be good for you though.
Teen: What if I'm honest with you about it- so that you don't even have to test me- then you could give me one chance right?
Dad: Well, if your honest that could make things feel better I think.
Teen: What do you mean, "feel better?" I have a feeling I'm not going to feel to good about all this.
Dad: Right, me either. Poor choice of words on my part. I just meant that I'm starting to feel pretty suspicious about things right now; I'm no longer confident that you are clean so if you get honest with me, that would be a good start to rebuilding some trust, which is going to definitely take time to rebuild- we've been down this road before Son, right? Sometimes you'll take the denial thing pretty far you know what I mean.
Teen: OK, I smoked. But only once. Like three weeks ago. It probably isn't even still in my urine, but I'll tell you anyway.
Dad: I'm disappointed Son.
Teen: See? I'm honest and it doesn't help.
Dad: You're right. The honesty thing doesn't always get you out of trouble, doesn't it? Sucks, huh?
Teen: Ya, I wonder why I even try being honest.
Dad: I wonder about that one too- good question.
Dad: Why didn't you just take the chance? Maybe you were clean if it was three weeks ago?
Teen: Cause I wanted to be honest.
Dad: That's good Son, that is a good place to start. Good for you. I just thought that you were so angry that I was testing that being honest was the last thing on your mind. You know how we are when we are angry?
Teen: Well, that and the fact that I knew I'd be caught.
Dad: But three weeks? Couldn't you be clean?
Teen: I don't think so, maybe it was more than once you know, and I don't remember how long ago I smoked but it's not every day or anything.
Dad: I think you being honest is important. Don't put yourself down here man, anyone can make a mistake it's what you do when you make the mistake that sometimes makes the difference and I'm surprised that you are honest about it- you know a year ago you woulda lied like a rug for weeks before you got honest. Remember?
Teen: Ya.
Dad: Well the honesty thing is good. Let's keep going with that. How did you come across weed cause it seems like none of your friends use right now. That's why I'm surprised.
on and on as this leads to either more disclosure or less at which point Dad can challenge Son about this big honesty thing
after all that honesty about what when and whom goes down we come to the p test again.
Dad: So let's get that P test done Son.
Teen: Still, you want to test me? But I was honest?
Dad: Yeah, you were honest. And that's good. Now we'll test just like I said we would 20 minutes ago. Is there a problem with that?
Teen: I don't see the point.
Dad: You're right.
Teen: I am?
Dad: Yes, after what you just went through with me, and you shared a lot here, I don't expect that you would see the point. Nevertheless, I need this urine screen done- lets' get this over with Son.
Teen: Give me one good reason why?
Dad: OK. I don't think you'll think this is a good reason Son but I'm just not comfortable skipping the urine screen. I need to get this done, OK?
Teen: Why aren't you comfortable?
Dad: None of it will make sense to you Son. I'm just not comfortable skipping it. Let's get r done! You know, part of it is that I need to see that you're going to cooperate. That's important to me Son, but I don't think that makes any sense to you.
Teen: OK, OK, I get it Dad. What's going to happen to me?
Dad: Good question. You want to talk about that - I agree- let's get this urine done first, then we'll talk.
Why does Dad insist that we still get a Pee-test?
1. It puts Dad in control. He does need to see that his Son will cooperate.
2. Son might be dirty for something besides marijuana. That will be good to know if that is happening.
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Pictures added to Parent of the Year Post
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Sunday, October 10, 2010
Click here to see added pictures to Rocco and Sally Receive Allegheny County Parent of the Year post. I had a few on there before but no one could see them due to blog problem, but that's fixed now and I added more. Make sure to click "read more" to see them all.
Type rest of the post here
Rocco and Sally Attend Juvenile Justice Week - Award Ceremony
Posted by:Sally--Thursday, October 07, 2010
The evening was one that left a lasting impression on both Rocco and Sally.
It was a pleasure to meet the Juvenile Court Judges and in particular, Judge Dwayne Woodruff (yes, from the 70's Super Steelers!).
Judge Woodruff gave an inspirational speech about not letting anyone discourage you from reaching your goals.
Sally enjoyed seeing the young winners of the Essay Contest advance on stage for their awards.
Rocco agrees that it was encouraging to see youth that may have 'made a bad choice' think about their actions and put it down in writing.
Equally encouraging was the winner of the Dennis Maloney Award; Traci Stiger. This Registered Nurse worked very hard to develop a program to teach troubled youth to be EMT's. She spends many hours instructing them. We got to see her first graduate of the program.
THIS is the STUFF that MAKES a DIFFERENCE!
What an evening. Then "Parents of the Year", Sally and Rocco received a most beautiful plaque.
Below is Sally's acceptance speech followed by Rocco's acceptance speech.
SALLY'S ACCEPTANCE SPEECH
Thank you so very much for this award.
It strengthens me and encourages me to continue my fight against enabling.
A year and a half ago, our son was in a horrible addiction.
My husband and I tried everything but his addiction only got worse.
We felt helpless and very much alone but we kept on praying.
Our son had a car accident which got him involved with the juvenile court system and with a probation officer.
We discovered that getting into the system and having Val Ketter and Lloyd Woodward and Cathy Culbert and Kathie Tagmyer to help us was the answer to our prayers.
Our son is much better than he was at the time of the accident and continues to work on his recovery.
The Parent Survival Skills Training meetings empower me.
There is nothing better than talking with other parents who have the same issues and know first-hand what you are going through.
Each PSST parent has wisdom and sound advice and so much compassion. I wish each one of them could be honored with this award.
For addiction is strong, but together we are so much stronger.
If my mother-in-law were alive today, October 6, 2010... she would be celebrating her 90th birthday.
It is fitting that her son should receive this honor on her birthday for she trained him well.
He is an awesome father.
Thank you all. Thank you very much.
ROCCO'S ACCEPTANCE SPEECH
"By helping others succeed, we help ourselves succeed. Whatever good we give will complete the circle and will come back to us."
One time my company enrolled me in an intensive and comprehensive driving course so that I could transport company personnel. One of our first lessons was to learn to “un-learn” some of our driving skills.
This took some of us out of our comfort zone, especially when they explained Rule #1: “If you determine that there is no way to avoid crashing your vehicle then save yourself first and worry about your passengers later.”
We all felt a little uncomfortable with that. We all had that time-honored ideal instilled in us of sacrificing ourselves to keep others out of harm’s way.
But they made it clear that, as the driver, you are the most important person in that vehicle. You are responsible for keeping as much control of the vehicle as possible. If you are incapacitated, then your vehicle is out of control; so now all of your passengers are in extreme danger.
Looking back over the past few years we can see now that we needed to learn to “un-learn” some of our parenting skills and to try something a lot less comfortable. We, the parents, are responsible to keep control of our family. Otherwise our family is in extreme danger.
We attended our first Parent Survival Skills Training Meeting in early 2007. And quite frankly we were totally overwhelmed. Parents there were talking about their teens using not just marijuana and alcohol but crack cocaine and heroin. Their teens were stealing and dealing to support their habits and refusing therapy. They were being pulled into court and they were running away from treatment facilities.
We couldn’t picture our 15 year old son doing anything like that.
Sure his grades were falling fast, he was a discipline problem at school and at home and he was distancing himself from our family. We suspected that he had tried marijuana, probably some alcohol and we knew that at 15 he was able to pick-up packs of cigarettes whenever he wanted them.
But like so many enabling parents we couldn’t picture our son doing anything like that.
It's not like we stuck our heads in the sand. We accepted that he had problems. We found counselors, psychiatrists, tutors, and advocates to get advice on how to help him. We were on a first name basis with principles, vice-principles and school counselors. We started our run through the "rat-in-the-maze" world of health insurance for behavioral therapy. We spent 1000’s of dollars.
What we got in return from our son was "I don't care."
We didn't understand at the time that this is an addict’s most effective weapon against an unprepared parent but we did come to realize that he really meant it.
Our son, the addict, really didn’t care.
After two years of counseling and chaos, two overdoses and a couple of visits from the police we were not sure what options we had left. We were drained emotionally, mentally, physically and financially and, guess what, our son still didn't care.
In May 2009 we finally came back to attend our second PSST meeting for advice on how to get him whatever help that was left. Since that meeting we have, at least for now, saved our son's life and, just as importantly, we have saved our own lives, our marriage and brought order back into our home. As my wife recognized a while back “We always were good parents. We just weren’t good parents of a teenage addict.”
PSST pointed us in the right direction, helped us to get our addicted son into the system and to get the care that he needed. We got to meet other parents, just like us, who assured us that we were not crazy. They were not there to judge us, they were there to do what they could to help us. One defining moment for me came at our 2nd or 3rd meeting when another parent turned to my wife and said “See, you can laugh again.”
I want to give a heartfelt thank you to our PSST Pro’s; Val Ketter and Lloyd Woodward from the Allegheny County Probation Office and Cathy Culbert and Kathie Tagmyer from Wesley Spectrum. They continue to demonstrate to parents that the Allegheny County Juvenile Court and Probation System do work for us parents and for our children.
We would also like to extend our sincere appreciation to all of our fellow PSST Parents who have listened, encouraged and passed on their wisdom to us along with some serious hugs when needed.
PSST is a special place for parents - it allows us to strengthen ourselves mentally, spiritually and physically so that we can take back the power and control in our homes and our lives.
We would like to thank the Allegheny County Juvenile Court, and in particular Hearing Officer Robert Banos, who has worked with us in helping our son get the help he needs. Our son has achieved around 13 months of clean time in the last 16 months and is still working at it. He has also earned his G.E.D. Diploma. I even think he is starting to care.
We sincerely appreciate this recognition of our efforts to reach out to other parents and young addicts and to show them that there is help and that there is hope and that the Allegheny County Juvenile System really does work.
By helping them succeed, we are helping ourselves succeed. Thank you.
Rocco and Sally claim Allegheny County Parent-of-the-Year award!
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Thursday, October 07, 2010
Kathie Tagmyer from Wesley Spectrum Family Counseling gave a brief introduction to Rocco and Sally. Then, in eloquent dual acceptance speeches, Sally and Rocco humbly accepted Allegheny County Parent of the Year 2010. Sally spoke first making the shorter of the two speeches. Then Rocco took over with a moving summary that included key moments of their story.
Sally began by stating that she is engaged in a personal fight against Enabling. Sally seem to take Rocco by surprise when she commented that he is an awsome father. She also mentioned that she wished that every PSST parent could win the award because they all deserved it.
Next it was Rocco's turn. "When we came to PSST we found out that we were good parents; just not good parents for an addict." He also used the analogy of when he took driving classes for work and was taught that the driver is the most important person in the car. If he doesn't take care of himself first, he can't of much use to his passengers. His point was clear that if parents don't take care of themselves they will be no use to their children.
Rocco also reported that he and Sally were on first name basis with School Principals and that they sought help from therapists but that no matter what they did Cisco still would say, "I don't care." Finally, the Parents began attending PSST, Juvenile Probation processed criminal behavior for Cisco and he was placed in a drug rehab, Rocco felt like their sanity could be saved, that Cisco might be saved, and that their marriage could be put back on solid ground." At one point Rocco got a bit choked up and this only added to the strong impact that their message had on the audience.
As one of the administrators at Juvenile Court commented afterwards, "Parent-of-the Year award was the highlight of the night."
Not only did Rocco and Sally easily deserve this award, but their participation in last nights Awards ceremony was good recognition to highlighted how important and effective PSST can be for parents.
Both Sally and Rocco, thanked Valerie Ketter, Supervisor of the D&A Unit, Lloyd Woodward, Probation Officer, Cathy Culbert and Kathie Tagmyer from Wesley Spectrum. They also sent a big thanks out to all the Parents from PSST who had helped them the last several years. They were also grateful for their extended families many of whom were present in the audience cheering for Rocco and Sally.
Perhaps Rocco and Sally would post their there complete acceptance speeches here on our blog!
Hurray for Sally, Rocco, and for Cisco (without whom none of this would be possible.)
Stay tuned for more pictures. I only have a few pictures in my camera but I know that there were lots of pictures taken, so when I come across more pictures I will post.
K2, Spice, Yucatan Fire, Sence, Chill X, Genie - What is it?
Posted by:Rocco--Sunday, October 03, 2010
When was the last time you paid 50 bucks for a few grams of incense and they assured you it will be mailed discreetly?
They're only in for the money and they don't care.
Look for Signs of K2 -- 'Fake Marijuana'
Anthony Scalzo, M.D., professor of toxicology at Saint Louis University, has seen nearly 30 cases involving teenagers who were experiencing hallucinations, severe agitation, elevated heart rate and blood pressure, vomiting and, in some cases, tremors and seizures. All of these teens had smoked a dangerous, yet legal substance known as K2 or "fake weed."
Parents should be on the lookout for warning signs such as agitation, pale appearance, anxiety or confusion due to hallucinations. So if you’re a parent, be on the lookout.
"Look for dried herb residues lying around your kids' room. Chances are they are not using potpourri to make their rooms smell better or oregano to put on their pizza," Scalzo said. – Science Daily - Mar. 3, 2010
What is K2? Where is K2 Sold?
K-2 UPDATE: As of Nov 24 The United States Drug Enforcement Administration (DEA) is using its emergency scheduling authority to temporarily control five chemicals (JWH-018, JWH-073, JWH-200, CP-47,497, and cannabicyclohexanol) used to make “fake pot” products.
This action will make possessing and selling these chemicals or the products that contain them illegal in the U.S. for at least one year.
Click on: "The Good, The Bad and the Not So Bright"
Sold as incense or "K2 herbal smoke" the drug K2 is known as a legal alternative to marijuana.
K2's key ingredients were invented by Dr. John Huffman at Clemson University in 1995 during medical research on the effects of cannabinoids on the brain. He found no medical benefits -- only negative side effects.
K2 Spice products' advertisements are often colorful and target children and young people who are particularly at-risk of being taking advantage of. Images of religious figures such as Jesus, Mary and Buddha smoking are often featured on the websites advertising the K2 Spice products.
Spice products are often sold as incense and advertised online as either as 'mystical incense'; or 'the perfect stuff for chilling out at home with friends' along with perfumes, cosmetics and fragrances for the house. Sometimes they are labeled not for 'human consumption', or 'not suitable for under the age of 18.
Because of their packaging, which also looks like 'incense' or 'tea', and their scented smell, Spice products are far less noticeable as drugs since the drug is not easily identified by parents.
What is known about K2?
K2 a.k.a. "Spice," "Genie," or "Zohai" are the best know brand names for synthetic cannabis, a herbal and chemical product which mimics the effects of marijuana. It is around four to ten times more potent than marijuana.
Increased agitation, panic attacks and vomiting have been noted with this drug use, and the US army has banned its use by soldiers.
When synthetic cannabis products first went on sale it was thought that they achieved an effect through a mixture of legal herbs.
Laboratory analysis in 2008 showed this was not the case and that they in fact contained synthetic cannabinoids. These act on the body in a similar way to cannabinoids naturally found in cannabis, such as THC. Synthetic cannabinoids are used in an attempt to avoid the laws which make cannabis illegal.
Professor Huffman who first synthesised many of the cannabinoids used in synthetic cannabis is quoted as saying, "People who use it are idiots. You don't know what it's going to do to you."
One of the greatest dangers involved in buying K2 stems from the fact that it's an unregulated mixture of who knows what.
In a statement, Dr. Huffman said the chemicals were not intended for human use. He added that his lab had developed them for research purposes only, and that “their effects in humans have not been studied and they could very well have toxic effects.”
It is sold under various brand names, online, in head shops, in smoke shops and gas stations.
It is marketed as an incense or "herbal smoking blend", but the products are usually smoked by users. Because it is not intended for consumption, there are no age limits on buying K2 or "Spice K2" and it is being purchased by everyone from teenagers to aging hippies.
It is generally smoked with the same kind of smoking accessories used for non-legal products, and the cost of K2 is generally $30 to $40 per pack thanks to interest in this new drug.
In a story in the Philadelphia Inquirer Chris Goldstein, spokesman for the Philadelphia Chapter for the National Organization to Reform Marijuana Laws (NORML), warns that nobody really knows what is included in each packet of incense. Because it is not regulated by the FDA or DEA it can be sold as a "proprietary blend" and not list ingredients on the package.
"I would not recommend anyone touching this stuff," Goldstein said. "Samples have come back testing positive for formaldehyde, vitamin E and acetone. At least with real marijuana you can tell if it's tainted by looking at it.
"This stuff is like setting a plastic spoon on fire and inhaling."
Though packets of the incense are typically marked "not for human consumption," they are sold with a "wink and a nod," said Barbara Carreno, a spokeswoman for the federal Drug Enforcement Administration.
"When was the last time you paid 50 bucks for a few grams of incense and they assured you it will be mailed discreetly?" Carreno said. "The manufacturers and distributors, they're only in for the money and they don't care."
Although synthetic cannabis does not produce positive results in drug tests for cannabis, it is possible to detect its metabolites in human urine.
The synthetic cannabinoids contained in synthetic cannabis products have been made illegal in many European countries, but remain legal under federal law in the USA and Canada. Several US states have made it illegal under state law.
Other Names
Herbal products containing synthetic cannabinoids have included Spice Gold, Spice Silver, Spice Diamond, Yucatan Fire, Sence, Chill X, Smoke, Genie, Algerian Blend and many others. These products may already be obsolete, since the Internet market is rapidly evolving.
Links:
Philadelphia Inquirer - Sep. 29, 2010 - Pa. House passes bill to outlaw ‘synthetic marijuana’ http://www.philly.com/inquirer/breaking/news_breaking/20100929_Pa__House_passes_bill_to_outlaw_synthetic_marijuana.html#ixzz11aZ9APdr
NY Times - July 10, 2010 - Synthetic Marijuana Spurs State Bans
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/07/11/us/11k2.html?_r=1&src=me
Science Daily - Mar. 3, 2010 - Toxicologist Warning to Parents: Look for Signs of K2 -- 'Fake Marijuana'
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/03/100303092405.htm
CNN - March 02, 2010 - 'K2' poses dangers and should be illegal
http://articles.cnn.com/2010-03-02/opinion/fay.ban.k2_1_thc-k2-marijuana?_s=PM:OPINION
Psychoactive drug or mystical incense? Overview of the online available information on Spice products - International Journal of Culture and Mental Health, Volume 2, Issue 2 December 2009
http://www.informaworld.com/smpp/content~db=all~content=a918041251~frm=titlelink
Wikipedia - Synthetic Cannabis
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Synthetic_cannabis
Sally and Rocco to receive Allegheny County Parent of the Year Award on Oct 6th!
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Saturday, October 02, 2010
Sally and Rocco will receive this prestigious award on 10-6-10, this Wednesday, at 550 Fifth Ave., (old county jail-second floor waiting room). It is scheduled from between 6:00 PM and 8:00 PM. Why not come down and clap for Sally and Rocco and catch their acceptance speech?
I have reprinted practically the whole of the nomination, minus some real names: the challenging part was really limiting this to 250 words. When it comes to Sally and Rocco I could go on and on.
Reason for Nomination (no more than 250 words):
Both Mr. & Mrs. (Rocco and Sally) have been tirelessly involved in efforts to intervene in the life of their teenage son who experienced serious drug abuse and a number of MH issues. By working as a team they have helped their son effect a positive change in his life.
1. Both Rocco and Sally attend Parent Survival Skills Training regularly. They actively participate, encourage and support others.
2. Both Parents took steps to cease enabling and they began to work with Probation to hold their son accountable.
3. Both Rocco and Sally worked closely with Wesley-Spectrum Family Therapist, Cathy Culbert. They had the courage to take a good look at their own roles in parenting. When they saw something they could improve- they did.
4. Rocco and Sally both act as Parent Editors of the PSST blog. They use pen names to share their ongoing story about Cisco and they edit other parent’s stories and publish them to the blog. (www.gopsst.org)
5. Sally also volunteers to help others in their fight against the disease of addiction: she started knitting groups with female addicts in treatment programs.
Currently, Rocco and Sally are visiting their son in his third inpatient drug treatment program. He is so far succeeding at a local adult treatment program. The steps that Rocco and Sally took to stop enabling have helped Cisco decide to get better. While they are waiting for the “miracle” to happen they continue to help others through their involvement in PSST and various volunteer activities.
Lloyd Woodward, JPO 9-10-10
Summary of the OCT 2, 2010 PSST Meeting
Posted by:Rocco--Saturday, October 02, 2010
Summary of the OCT 2, 2010 PSST Meeting
There was another nice turn-out for the Oct 2 PSST Meeting in Wilkinsburg with a good mix of new, regular and some returning veteran PSST Parents joining us.
Our PSST Pros, Val and Lloyd from Allegheny County Probation and our resident Wesley Spectrum Family Therapists Kathie and Jocelyn led the meeting with 12 parents representing 9 families.
Lloyd announced that PSST Parents Sally and Rocco have been selected to win the Allegheny County Parent-of-the Year Award. This announcement came with a beautiful congratulatory cake with Vanilla Mousse inside – YUMMY!
Read more about Sally and Rocco to receive award here:
Thank You to all of our PSST Friends
Sally and I want to give a heartfelt thank you to our PSST Pro’s; Val, Lloyd, Cathy C, Kathie T and Jocelyn. They continue to stick with us to assist, advise and support us in our effort to get our son Cisco get the help that he needs in his recovery.
We would also like to extend our appreciation to all of the PSST Parents, Past and Present, who have listened, empathized, encouraged and passed on some of their wisdom to Sally and me (and given us some serious hugs as needed).
PSST is a special place for us parents that allow us to strengthen ourselves mentally, spiritually and physically so that we can take back the power and control in our homes and our lives. PSST provides the tools we need to help our teens save their lives.
"By helping others succeed, we help ourselves succeed. Whatever good we give will complete the circle and will come back to us."
Meeting Summary
After the opening announcements everyone had a chance to introduce themselves and tell as little or as much as they wished to tell about their teenager/parental relationship. There was a storehouse of information and knowledge and wisdom and some tears and laughter exchanged.
- We had a veteran PSST mom with a daughter in recovery. Her daughter is now in the U.S. Navy and is stationed overseas in a country without a minimum drinking age. This of course triggers old feelings and alarms for her. Yes parents have triggers too. We need to continue to work at phasing them out of our lives. The mom reported that they are both doing well at this time.
- The second mom (June on the blog) is dealing with her son who is nearing the end of an inpatient program and will then move into a halfway house before coming home. She is satisfied with his progress but naturally concerned about this next phase in his recovery.
- Another mom’s son has been clean for several years but has recently relapsed. She is feeling bad because of his relapse, his consequences and because he continues to blame her for his problems. This is tough on all of us parents of addicts. We often question ourselves and wonder what we might have done differently. After a few years of clean time it must be even tougher. Please keep coming to our PSST meetings and let us support you through this.
- Our next mom had her 15 year old son involuntarily placed into an inpatient recovery program 2 weeks ago under ACT 53. She had a rough visit with him last week. He kept telling her that it was her fault and that she did nothing to help him and she had to turn him over to someone else. After arguing and trying to explain things to him she finally agreed with him that she could not do anything more for him by herself. She said he immediately quieted down and the last ten minutes of the visit went well. As she noted “If I had only thought of agreeing earlier it would have been a much nicer visit.” 
Parents of addicts tend to waste a lot of time trying to explain how things really are, defend their plan or justify their actions. They feel that if they continue to “discuss” the issue long enough that their child will get the point. Unfortunately the addicted teen usually is not interested and tends to hear only “I blah, blah, blahed. You blah, blah, blahed. So we need blah, blah, blah.”
Try your best not to get pulled down this emotional rabbit hole. Come to our meetings and learn how to 'Find little things to agree with’ followed by 'Never-the-less' statements and 'Fly above the Chaos'.
- The next mom has a son who has just entered into a halfway house last week and is also naturally concerned about this next phase in his recovery. She is handling it well and challenged him to make the best of it while he is there. She is doing well but having a hard time detaching and not blaming herself. It is not an easy thing to do.
- We had a couple (Ralph & Alice on the blog) who’s son, Ed, is scheduled to leave his inpatient placement “soon”. They gave us another good example about being careful about what you say, and how you say it, to your teen. Lloyd gave us a good example of how it is okay to take the blame when the teen misinterprets what you tell them.
The first issue is about their son’s desire to return to his high school. Both Ralph and Alice emphasized, in their own way, "No, you are not returning to your high school." They are looking into alternate schools without the friends and other triggers their son would find returning to his school.
The second issue concerns being manipulated by your teen into discussing how many more days they will be in a recovery program. If you tell them 30 to 60 days they only hear that “Dad told me I will be out in 30 Days!” If you say we might work something out in the next 2 or 3 weeks they will throw “Mom, you lied! You said I would be out of here in 2 weeks!” right back at you.
Lloyd explained that it is okay to admit to them that “Oh man did I say that? I guess I was mistaken. Even so, we will know that the time is right when you are following the program and willing to accept our rules, right?”
- Our next mom has been through the recovery of her older son and is now concerned about her younger son. While she has no proof that her younger teen is using she has red flags or triggers popping up. He is not doing well in school and doesn’t seem to care about anything but his music and his band. This again emphasizes how parents of addicts develop triggers also (I know I have some myself). This is something we will always need to work on and is part of detaching.
REFOCUS VS. DETACH
After the meeting, one of our PSST moms mentioned to me that she didn’t like the word “detachment” – it brings up too many thoughts of abandonment. She likes to use the word “REFOCUS” instead. As in “You need to REFOCUS your attention off of the addict and back on your own well being.”
Being a photographer myself I like this phrase. Many times in my pictures I like to have the main subject in clear focus and fade the background. This puts the attention where it belongs. So if you find "detaching" too hard, try to "refocus" on what is important - your health and well being.
- Next were Sally and Rocco. As we noted previously Cisco is now in an adult inpatient program with emphasis on being able to manage his own life and eventually to live on his own. We had our second visit with him and he shows improvement but has months to go in a very tough program. Keep watching the blog for our updates.
- Finally there was another veteran couple (who were the 2009 Allegheny County Parents-of-the Year). Thanks for coming back to our meetings. Their 20 year old son had been clean for around 3 years. Recently he was found with beer in his car and has been charged with underage drinking. This carries with it an automatic suspension of his license. Fortunately he found an apartment about a mile from his job and will be able to walk to work for the next few months. His parents will keep the car at their house with the keys locked safely away so he is not tempted to drive without his license. His mom said she was tempted to hire a lawyer and help her son out. And then she decided no, she was not going to enable her son. It was up to him to work this one out, on his own, and see what his consequences are.
We all, at times, need to stop and ask ourselves "Is this something our child really needs or are we merely enabling his/her addiction?"
Ralph had visited the former Alcatraz Penitentiary in San Francisco and saw the following sign:
RULES & REGULATIONS, U.S. PENITENTIARY ALCATRAZ
REGULATION #5: PRIVILEGES YOU ARE ENTITLED TO -
FOOD, CLOTHING, SHELTER AND MEDICAL ATTENTION.
ANYTHING ELSE THAT YOU GET IS A PRIVILEGE.
It is probably too wordy for a bumper sticker but would be a great sign to hang in our adolescent addict’s bedroom.
BREAK TIME
After our break for cake and coffee and some other goodies we still had time for a role play.
ROLE PLAY
June volunteered to play the obstinate teenager in an inpatient program who wants out and is threatening to walk out if his parents did not have him released by the weekend.
Ralph and Rocco volunteered to play played the parents. Sally later jumped in as grandma.
The main theme was to get some little agreements in, to defuse the child’s anger and arguments while not giving into his manipulations.
In order not to drag this post out too long this is the “Readers Digest” version.
Mom and Dad: Hi Joe how are things going?
Joe: What do you think? Things here really suck! This place sucks! These people suck! I’m getting out of here this weekend, right?
Mom: You’re right Joe this is not a great place to be.
Dad: It must really suck to be in a place like this, don’t you agree mother?
Mom: Yes Pop, but you know it’s a good place for Joe to be…
Joe: Hey! Am I getting out of here this weekend or not?
Dad: You know Joe you always come right to the point. I like that. There is never any guessing what you are talking about. That’s great, so to get right to the point, NO you are not getting out this weekend.
Joe: I am too getting out of here. If you don’t get me out of here I am just going to walk out of here.
Mom: Right to the point again. That is great. Thanks for letting us know that Honey.
Joe: Thanks for letting you know? What do you care? You never cared about me. You never cared about anything except yourself. You put me in here so you and Pop could go out and party and vacation by yourself. You don’t care about me!
Grandma: Now Joey we do care about you. We are concerned if you walk out of here that you won’t have anywhere to go and then you would be out wondering around on the streets.
Dad: Yes we do care. In fact we care so much about your safety I am going to talk to the counselors about you wanting to leave. That way they can keep an eye on you. We wouldn’t want anything to happen to you out there.
Joe: @#$% the counselors. They’re too stupid to catch me. I can walk out of here anytime I want. I can get past the locks and the security cameras and even that old guy at the bottom of the hill with the shot gun. And the police don’t care enough to take the time to even look for me.
Mom: You right Joe, you probably could do that. You’re really clever and you've probably thought this out. You know Honey that is the main reason we are so uncomfortable with you coming home at this time.
Dad: That’s right. Jeez. If security cameras and locked doors and the police can’t stop you, well then, Mother and I certainly wouldn’t be able to relax with you living at home. We would need to keep an eye on you 24/7.
Grandma: Pop’s right Joey. It doesn’t sound to me like you are ready to come home and follow their rules yet!
This role play went a couple of different directions. We had a lot of good input from Lloyd and the parents, and were able to rewind and try some other tactics. We even had a chance to get in a few laughs.
Rewinding is not something that you will not get a chance to do at home. That is okay. If you miss this time, don’t fret. Try to get it right the next time.
That is why PSST is here. To get you ready to gret it right, to practice how to do it and to help you get it right the next time as needed.
“Parent Survival Skills Training is designed to empower parents. Some of these teenagers have held their parents hostage. The parents are desperate to find a way to survive. More importantly, they are desperate to find a way to help their teenagers survive the deadly game of drug abuse. By the time they come to group, many of the parents have already learned that “bailing their child out of trouble” only adds to the problem. We refuse to place any blame on the parents for having a troubled child. We want them to identify how they are being manipulated, rise up, and take back control.” – Val Ketter - Supervisor of the Court's D&A Unit
Once more Sally and I would like to thank everyone at PSST for being there for us.
As Sally noted "I just wish that each of the parents at PSST could win this award because I think we all deserve it!”
Thanks to the Allegheny County Eastern Probation Office for the use of their space.
The next Parent Survival Skills Training (PSST) meeting is Saturday Oct 9 from 9:00 a.m. to 11:30 a.m. at the Trinity Lutheran Church 2500 Brandt School Road, Wexford, PA 15090 (Our one-year aniversary at this location).
Come and join us - PSST Meetings are open to all parents who are serious about making a difference in their children’s life.
Let's do the twist!
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Friday, October 01, 2010
We don't want the teenager to think we agree with all that. That is why we have a "twist" to our agreement. Actually, as Kathie suggested, in order to avoid the slippery slope, we must have the twist in mind before we make the agreeing statement. Also, we decide what slice of the pie to agree with and we don't want to buy the whole pie.
Therefore before making the agreeing statement ask yourself this question: How can I twist some part of that to introduce my talking point?
It seems complicated and I'm sure that readers are saying, "Boy, this really demands a lot of thinking on my feet." Yes and No. It does require thinking on your feet; however, these issues tend to repeat themselves over and over with our teenage population. You can expect them to repeat their themes over and over. It's what teenagers do. Therefore, you have only to formulate some ready twists for some themes that you have heard over and over. That is why the role-plays we do at PSST are so important. This is our laboratory and this is where we can hear what themes you parents have to listen to, and what twist/ agreements that we have ready.
I'm going to list what I think might be common themes and put some twist/ agreements down after each one.
Theme #1: Abandoned in Placement
Teen: You abandoned me here! You haven't done anything to try to get me home! You're just happy to leave me here forever! Just lock up ole Suzie and throw away the key!
Dad: I've left you here to rot apparently.
Teen: Yes, exactly!
Dad: I'm just realizing how correct that is...
Teen: What is?
Dad: What you are saying. It's right. I'm prepared to leave you here as long as I feel that you are more safe here than you are at home. I'm not sure that I knew this until you said what you said and you helped me realize that, yeah, I'm prepared to leave you here for as long as possible because I am so worried that drugs are going to kill you.
Theme #2: That's messed up, what you just said!
Teen: I can't believe you just said that! That is so horrible!
Dad: It is horrible. This addiction is a horrible nasty thing and it makes people say nasty things about it. And it's so hard to recover from it, isn't it?
Theme #3: I'm going to run away if blah blah blah [things don't work out the way i want or if I don't get released when I think I should] and you'll never catch me.
Teen: I've had it with you and with all these morons up here [in placement]. If you don't talk to someone, send some texts or emails or whatever you do with my Probation Officer to get me out of here- then I'm running. And you'll never catch me.
Option A:
Mom: I could talk to someone. They might listen to me I don't know. Maybe they would let you out if caused a stink about it.
Teen: Yes! So you will try to get me out?
Mom: No, but I think it was a good try on your part! You're desperate to get out of here. You'd do just about anything to get out of here at your release date and since that looks more and more like it's not going to happen- you're feeling desperate.
Option: B
Dad: You might be hard to find if you ran away.
Teen: Duh! That's what I'm trying to tell you! You better help me get out of here and I mean fast. Do you hear me?
Dad: Yes, I hear you. You are feeling like running. When things don't go your way, you run. That's the old Suzie, or so I hoped.
Teen: I'm not kidding here Dad you better listen up and listen up good before it's too late! This is no time for your little PSST tricks that you learned wasting your perfectly good time on a Saturday morning.
Dad: You're right. This is really important what you are saying. I would feel terrible if your ran away and were out there on the road. I know it's dangerous out there.
Teen: Not for me.
Dad: You could handle yourself on the road so much better than I could. You know me, I don't like to shower anywhere but home- oh and when it comes to going to bathroom there is no place like home- but you're not like me. You can sleep under a tree or whatever but boy I need my memory foam mattress to get a nice sleep.
Teen: I like it at home too.
Dad: Well you're going to run so I don't think I'm not sure it's as important to you as it is to me, that's all I'm saying.
on and on and on - this one could go on forever but the long and short of it is that dad is going to agree that the placement agency needs to raise security, take her shoes, put her on one-on-one etc and thank her for at least being honest enough to let you know- oh and yeah, "this is just one of the reasons that I am Not Comfortable with you coming home right now. When the going gets tough you'll just split. And I agree- that is exactly what you might do!"
(This is a post-in-progress, so hopefully each time you return to this post it will be a little more developed. You can help me write this post by listing some major themes that you hear from your teenager in the comment section.)
Big Announcement: Parent of The Year!
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Friday, October 01, 2010
This award will be presented October 6th at the annual awards ceremony between 6:00 PM and till we're done, probably around 8ish. This happens at Family Court House 550 Fifth Ave., Pittsburgh, PA (the Old Allegheny County Jail.) Please plan to attend if you would like to support one of our PSST parents receiving this award.
Click "read more" to see pictures of the last three Parent of the Year winners.
Parent of the Year 2009
Parent of the Year 2008
Parent of the Year 2007
The first winner of this award in 2006 happened before we started the blog and we have trouble finding a picture. This will be the fifth year running on the Allegheny Parent of the Year Award.
Nudging
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Wednesday, September 29, 2010
This is a comment on Sally's comment of Rocco's post On the Road Again. My comment was too long to be accepted by blogger so I turned it into a post. Her comment is reprinted in part below as it appears on "Oops, Problem With Blogger."
"I was sitting between Cisco and Rocco. Cisco was complaining and Rocco was nudging me and tapping my arm. This I know was Rocco's warning signal that I was getting sucked into Cisco's manipulation. I quickly came to my senses and when Cisco said, 'Maybe I'll walk away from here (this placement), I don't care what happens to me if I do.' I replied, 'That is your choice, you may want to think of the consequences.' I acted nonchalant. We left shortly after that and I had a sick feeling in my stomach. I don't want him to walk out of the program. I care."
It's so hard to do this detach-with-love thing. It would be helpful if we all had Rocco to nudge us when we are getting "sucked in." Yesterday, I did an assessment of a teen at Shuman who was very angry about the assessment. Still, she felt she had no choice but to "cooperate" so she responded with an attitude to every question I asked. I felt myself getting oppositional and that means that I was getting "sucked in."
It was only at the end of the interview that I started to agree with her that this assessment might be completely unnecessary, which had been her point that I had failed to appreciate all along. My failure to address that earlier in the interview kept the defiant wall up.
Of course, we still had to do the interview so my appreciation of that fact wouldn't have changed anything; however, had I jumped to that place with her earlier, it would might have lowered the wall that she had put up. Of course, it was a slippery slope. I had to be clear that if she did not participate that could look bad for her. Also, I didn't need her to tell people that she refused to cooperate in the assessment because even the guy doing the assessment thought that it was stupid. Traps to avoid here are obvious: if I don't acknowlege that it might be ridiculous to do the assessment then she remains defiant. On the otherhand, if I agree with that to heartily then I undermine the very assessment process. I struggled with it.
I know that it is not the same when you are parenting because it is your own teenager and therefore it is much much harder to detach. I offered this example only to emphasize the point that Sally made that we need to nudge each other when possible- because it's so hard to see it when when we are getting sucked in.
We can trust that life is such that when you wish that you would have used your "detach-with-love" skills to better effect, and you feel that you may have missed the opportunity, life will give you another crack at it soon enough.
With the nudging from Rocco, Sally was able to reply matter-of-factly and in a more business-like fashion. This sent Cisco the message that she would be OK if he decided to walk away from treatment. And that was the truth because she would be OK in the end. She choose to not highlight the fact that this would be a crushing blow. That's good because at that moment it didn't have to be all about Sally.
The way we respond also shapes the way we feel about situations so that we are not just hiding our feelings but we are in some measure shaping our feelings. Not 100 percent but still we are shaping to some degree the way we feel.
Consider this possible exchange:
Cisco: "Maybe I'll walk away from here (this placement) I don't care what happens to me if I do."
Sally: Sometimes we don't care what happens- you've been down that road before Cisco.
Cisco: That's the way I feel about it - I just don't care anymore.
Sally: Maybe you need to walk away. You know, I think you learned something when you walked away from your last program. Consequences can help us learn and consequences help us learn to care.
Sally: Have you thought that maybe you should just call Lloyd and ask him to move you to Shuman?
Cisco: Are you mental? I don't want to go to Shuman.
Sally: Oh, I'm sorry. I misunderstood. I thought you said the consequences didn't bother you.
Cisco: See, that's so messed up- I didn't say I wanted to go to Shuman- you're twisting what I'm saying- now I'm getting mad.
Sally: I know I can make you angry sometimes. I don't phrase things well.
Cisco: You can say that again.
Sally: Oops. Well, I'm happy that you do care about consequences. I think that shows how you've changed, you know, for the better. That is very adult when we think before we act. Good for you.
This helps to shape the way we feel: that something good can come out of both decisions: walk away or stay- both have lessons. I am reminded of the "Good News" post that Rocco put up after Cisco's relapse. Writing something like that helps shape the way we feel and, point-in-fact, Cisco would not today be in the great program that he is in if he were not to have relapsed.
