"One Down, One to GO" Story by Max
For those of you who have read my previous postings, David is my younger of 2 boys. He doesn't realize it yet but he is a lucky guy. At this moment his dad is escorting him to his new boarding school in Utah.
Why school now in the middle of summer, why all the way in Utah - these are the most frequently asked questions. I always answer in the most streamlined way; because this is a different type of school that has rolling admission; they accept kids 365 days a year.
Utah is a rugged place with lots of opportunity for out door experiential therapies and regular fun activities.
Yes, it's very far from Pittsburgh, no, he can't come home whenever he wants, but we will visit him and have family therapy via conference call weekly.
No cell phones or cigarettes allowed. Does any of this sound remotely familiar to anyone?
Sounds like placement in a D&A facility like Gateway Yes, or similar.
Only parents that have toyed with this type of placement would really understand that although we love them and wish they could stay at home, it is better for all sides to be sent elsewhere - at least for the time being. I know my PSST friends understand with zero justification.
David's path to this point has already been documented in 2 previous blogs (Max and Mel's Terrible Adventure Part I & Max and Mel's Terrible Adventure Part II) - feel free to read.
Bottom line for David is that there was no private school in Pittsburgh that would take him with the combination of poor grades and oppositional behaviors, and public school is now out of the question - we are involved in our kids school and always have been, but it isn't a reciprocal relationship. His public high school where his brother Michael is currently falls through crack after crack was not an option. He would be sliding the already slippery slope.
So my husband Mel and I did some research and hired an educational consultant. We explained what we were hoping for; a school that would understand a kid like David and the terrible year of school, bad friends and marijuana that he experienced.
A place where he couldn't be kicked out of for being oppositional, or even cursing at a teacher, sneaking a cigarette, or having a dirty urine screen.
A place that will get him back to the athlete he was before marijuana use made him a slug.
A place that will teach him how to learn so there is a chance that he won't find school so miserable and may actually learn something.
A place that helps him get his big personality down to manageable size.
Since David was only on an extended contract and not formally charged, some of the placements in our area would have been inappropriate. He wasn't actually in the system.
We have the experience of his older brother Michael to relate to, (also in previous blog "Max and Mel's terrible adventure; the prequel") so we understood basically what was out there.
We also know our son very well, and understood his best chance was to remove him from Pittsburgh altogether to a place that is dedicated to helping trouble teens like David. We are fortunate we are able to send him, and he as I said is a lucky guy. In retrospect he will see this.
It was difficult to make the decision, difficult to tell him, difficult to get him there - but this morning at 5 A.M. he willingly got into the car to go to the airport.
Perhaps there is a part of him that understands by now why he is going, that he needs to go. All I know is, I don't feel like crying right now, because I spent the last year crying and worrying. He is now in a safe place. Maybe I can relax a bit and take a deep breath before embarking on the next chapter of our other son Michaels' treatment...stay tuned!
"One Down, One to GO" Story by Max (A PSST Parent)
Posted by:Sally--Monday, July 19, 2010
Summary of July 10 PSST Meeting in Wexford
Posted by:Rocco--Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Summary of July 10 PSST Meeting in Wexford
It was a beautiful sunny July day outside in Wexford on Saturday. Inside Trinity Lutheran Val, Lloyd and Kathie T from Wesley Spectrum led the PSST meeting along with 5 perceptive PSST parents in attendance. We had some very good discussion as well as some great coffee, donuts, brownies, cookies and savory sweet cherries.
There was a single mom who explained how she has taken back the power in her home. She is controlling her emotions and will no longer allow her son to manipulate her into feeling bad about herself. She is now responding in a calm but authoritative manner to his tantrums. This has taken away one of her son’s main tactics to get his way and has him looking at his mom in a new light.
One of our enlightened PSST moms returned to talk about her son’s current situation. He had completed his inpatient program in January. He was enrolled in a local ‘academy’ to get him back on track to graduate high school. He was well on his way and even had a very nice internship set up. And then he and some classmates became involved in an infraction which resulted in him being asked to leave the program (including the internship). The mom is very upset, of course, that her son is missing this opportunity to advance his education. The group discussed his circumstances and raised the question of which is more critical to this teenager at this time; his education or getting help with his behavioral issues? Val, Kathy and Lloyd pointed out that there are programs available that would primarily address his behavioral issues while still providing for his education. It may not be the same education available at the ‘academy’ but he needs to understand that his behavior must improve if he is going to succeed with any level of education.
We had updates from Max on how her and Mel’s sons (Michael and David) are progressing in their recovery and also from Sally and Rocco on their son’s (Cisco) impending homecoming from Liberty Station. The boys are at various stages in their recovery but both sets of parents have restored control in their homes and have stability back in their lives.
Things are not perfect but we PSST Parents have the “tools” and we know how to use them. And most important we have the support and encouragement from the professionals and our fellow parents at PSST.
Thanks to all who attended this meeting especially Val, Kathy and Lloyd for their continued counseling.
We look forward to some experienced parents attending our future meetings to continue our discussions and offer whatever wisdom or insights they may have to offer. We would like to see some not-so-experienced parents continue to attend our meetings to work through their dilemmas and their doubts. We are always looking for some new parents to join us so we can offer them help and some hope.
"By helping others succeed, we help ourselves succeed. Whatever good we give will complete the circle and will come back to us."
Our goal at PSST is to empower the PARENTS of teenage substance abusers and/or Juvenile Court Youth with the support, information, skills and techniques a parent needs to SUCCEED in helping their teenager save their own life.
A note to parents thinking about attending their first PSST Meeting: The first meeting may seem a bit overwhelming and you might feel a little uncomfortable. That is okay. Sally and I felt that way when we attended our first meeting three years ago. We now wish that at that time we would have stuck it out longer. Regardless we were happy to be able to return two years later for our second meeting and find acceptance as well as a lot of support, wisdom and understanding. Our family is now healing, hopeful and heading in the right direction.
PSST Announcement:
An “Informational Video” will probably be produced at the Wexford site (Trinity Lutheran Church) following the August Meeting. Any and all participation in the video will be strictly voluntary. The purpose of the video will be to promote Parents Survival Skills Training and to attract further participation by parents. Watch the PSST Blog for more information.
We all would like to sincerely thank Trinity Lutheran Church for the use of their first class facilities to allow PSST to empower parents of out-of-control teenagers. This is a great example of how Trinity Lutheran has been reaching out and serving Wexford and the northern suburbs since 1845.
We look forward to seeing more concerned parents next Saturday, July 17 at the PSST meeting at the Outreach Teen and Family Services located in Mt. Lebanon at 666 Washington Road (There is free parking in the back lot).
C'mon in and join us.
Our PSST meetings are open to all parents who are serious about making a difference in their children’s life.
We Can Do It
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Last night I listened to a grandmother talk about how she continues to make regular trips to the hospital with her daughter who repeatedly overdoses on Heroin but at the same time this grandmother is supporting her granddaughter in outpatient meetings. She talked of how she and her husband cruise from one crisis to the next, dropping everything important in their lives to help keep their daughter and her daughter alive. Also, there are other family issues that drain the grandparents.
Here are my thoughts on the huge sacrifice that these and many other parents all over make towards their children.
1. A SOMETIMES MYTH: "If it's saving a life, it can't be enabling." Obviously, administering CPR to someone who has overdosed is not enabling- it's saving a life; however, taking your adult drug-addict to the ER several times a month because he has a back problem may be far from saving his life. It may be helping him with drug-seeking behavior as his trip to the hospital clearly is intended to get pain meds. Buying heart medication, which is not covered by your adult drug addicts health care may be saving a life; however, buying stomach medication, which is likewise not covered when you are pretty sure that he just spent his last dollar on a bag of weed may be enabling. Helping your child by taking him the doctor when he is in withdrawal may be saving a life; however, taking him into a nefarious part of town to cop drugs when he is withdrawing may be enabling him towards drug seeking behavior.
It is all a judgement. A good rule of thumb is to be afraid of helping too much. Drug addicts are adept at allowing people to do many things for them that they are quite capable of doing for themselves.
2. Myth: the only thing that really matters is helping my child through this problem. Not really. If you don't take care of yourself you can't take care of others. Set a good example for your addict by having your own life where you pursue happiness by having good relationships where you spend time with people you care about, and have strong interests and hobbies. Work out. Eat well. Get lots of sleep. Be strong. That way, when the real crisis comes you will be ready. Say no to a lot of requests from your adult and teen-age addicts. To them everything may seem like a crisis. It helps your teenagers grow up when they are expected to solve some of their own problems. Be there for them when you know it is a real crisis or when you know that they are finally ready to change their lives for the better.
3. Myth: If I say "NO" about a request I have abandoned my teen and I'm the only one there for him! You have not abandoned him because you have said no about something. You may not be the only one there for him either. Remember, addicts (especially ones that are still using) are adept at turning everything into a monumental crisis and they may be adept at convincing parents that they are the only ones who can help. Sometimes parents aren't the best people to help. (Of course, we all love to hear how important we are.)
4. SOMETIMES MYTH: There is nothing else I can do. When we start thinking that we have no options it may be that we are missing something. Especially, when we stop trying to hold them accountable, when we are just too tired to fight anymore; then it's time to look at our options. There could be several things that we have decided not to do that might just be the ticket! Keep an open mind. Listen to others. Re-evaluate options and don't give up. Keep up the good fight.
For example, if you know your teen will go out anyway, even if you tell him that he is forbidden to leave the house, then don't give up. Tell him he is grounded and look for a more radical approach. Let him know that you know he is out-of-control and that you will be taking serious steps to regain control; this may involve using the authorities or stripping him of all belongings including many of his best outfits. Hit him where it hurts. Take his cell phone- remove his computer to the trunk of your car. Demand that he have an assessment and that he begin outpatient. Don't give up. There is almost always more that you can do. It is not easy but it's better than giving up. Read the post on Should I get My child a PO. Also, "if you do what you always do, you get what you always got" (12-step saying). Try something different if what you are doing is not working.
Keep fighting but fight smart. Sometimes what we are doing is counter-productive. Stop. Re-evauluate if what your are doing is helping. We may be powerless to make the addict choose a better way but on the otherhand we can sometimes raise the bottom for them so that it gets harder and harder for our addict to continue to make bad decisions. That's the important thing. Keep helping but ask yourself, "Am I helping him to continue to abuse drugs or am I helping him towards recovery?"
Expungement of Juvenile Court records
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Wednesday, July 07, 2010
Reading further into 9123 clarifies that someone may file for expungement of any 18 year-old after taking into consideration the following factors, which then means that one need not wait five-years for the expungement of some one's record if they are 18 or older. By far and away, most people filing for Expungement would be 18 year-olds:
1. Type of Offense.
2. Age, History of Employment, Criminal Activity and any drug-alcohol problems.
3. Adverse consequences that someone might experience if their record was not expunged.
4. Protection of public safety.
Therefore, if a teen is 18 or older then he need not wait five years and can file a petition for expungement based upon the four above-listed categories.
Here is the important part for Allegheny County residents: Anyone who is 18 years of age and was either formally On Probation (Adjudicated Delinquent) or in placement will need to employ an attorney to file for expungement. Anyone who had a Withdrawal of charges, Dismissal, or a Consent Decree (this includes Consent Decree Placements) will not need an attorney. Instead, the Consent Decree and lower cases will soon be able to contact an Expungement Clerk, go down to the Family Court House, fill out some forms after which the rest of the expungement process will be taken care of for you.
As mentioned above, the Expungement Clerk will not handle Probation cases where there has been a Court Adjudication or a Finding of Delinquency, but only Consent Decree and lower. The Expungement Clerk tells me that the new system is close to but not quite ready for business yet; therefore, we will hold off putting a contact person's name and phone number on the blog. Check back soon because that information will be added to this post once we know the new system is green-lighted.
It can be expensive to file for expungement via an Attorney. It is one of the consequences that a Probationer has to deal with and it may be another invaluable lesson for the Probationer. Still, if one is completely unable to hire an attorney, we will try to find another way for the former Probationer, but we can not guarantee anything at the present time. If the former Probationer is working, he should probably save up for an attorney.
I am going to post the law here for every one's convenience and links to appropriate sources.
§ 9123. Juvenile records.
(a) Expungement of juvenile records.--Notwithstanding the
provisions of section 9105 (relating to other criminal justice
information) and except upon cause shown, expungement of records
of juvenile delinquency cases wherever kept or retained shall
occur after 30 days' notice to the district attorney, whenever
the court upon its motion or upon the motion of a child or the
parents or guardian finds:
(1) a complaint is filed which is not substantiated or
the petition which is filed as a result of a complaint is
dismissed by the court;
(2) six months have elapsed since the final discharge of
the person from supervision under a consent decree and no
proceeding seeking adjudication or conviction is pending;
(3) five years have elapsed since the final discharge of
the person from commitment, placement, probation or any other
disposition and referral and since such final discharge, the
person has not been convicted of a felony, misdemeanor or
adjudicated delinquent and no proceeding is pending seeking
such conviction or adjudication; or
(4) the individual is 18 years of age or older, the
attorney for the Commonwealth consents to the expungement and
a court orders the expungement after giving consideration to
the following factors:
(i) the type of offense;
(ii) the individual's age, history of employment,
criminal activity and drug or alcohol problems;
(iii) adverse consequences that the individual may
suffer if the records are not expunged; and
(iv) whether retention of the record is required for
purposes of protection of the public safety.
(b) Notice to prosecuting attorney.--The court shall give
notice of the applications for the expungement of juvenile
records to the prosecuting attorney.
(c) Dependent children.--All records of children alleged to
be or adjudicated dependent may be expunged upon court order
after the child is 21 years of age or older.
(Dec. 14, 1979, P.L.556, No.127, eff. imd.; June 11, 1982,
P.L.476, No.138, eff. 180 days; Dec. 11, 1986, P.L.1517, No.164,
eff. 60 days; Mar. 15, 1995, 1st Sp.Sess., P.L.978, No.7, eff.
60 days)
NIDA Word of the Day - Relapse
Posted by:Rocco--Tuesday, July 06, 2010
From the NIDA Sara Bellum Blog
Relapse… If you keep up with the SBB you know by now that addiction is a chronic (long-lasting) disease that takes hold in some people who abuse drugs. You may also know that some people can quit their drug use. But often a person will return to using drugs after they have quit. This is what NIDA Scientists call a relapse.
In drug abuse, relapse is the resumption of drug use after trying to stop taking drugs. Relapse is a common occurrence in many chronic disorders, including addiction, that require behavioral adjustments to treat effectively.
Relapse… - Why does it happen?
Addiction changes the wiring of the brain to cause uncontrollable craving and compulsive drug use–despite the consequences.
For someone with an addiction, going without the drug for periods of time can make that person feel so anxious and stressed that they need the drug just to stop feeling bad.
A person who is addicted to a drug usually needs professional treatment to quit drug use. This can include medication or therapy, or a combination of both. It also helps to have support in the family and the community.
While quitting drug use is possible, addiction is a long-lasting disease, and treating it takes time-and just because someone gets treatment and stops using a drug does not mean that these strong cravings go away for good. Especially when certain cues are present. These cues vary from person to person and can trigger a relapse.
Imagine that your best friend is addicted to cigarettes and says she smokes to relieve stress, but that she recently quit because her boyfriend hates the smell of cigarette smoke. Since she has connected cigarette smoking with stress relief, the next time your friend faces a stressful situation, like a fight with parents or final exams, she will most likely crave a cigarette, increasing her risk of a relapse. Her use of cigarettes, which led to an addiction to nicotine, has also caused her to associate “relaxation” with cigarettes.
Not everyone will relapse once they have quit drug use; it depends on the person, their genes, their environment, and many other factors, including personal commitment and family support.
For more information on addiction and today’s ”Word of the Day,” check out the myths about drug abuse or the Brain and Addiction page on the NIDA for Teens Web site.
Copyright
Government information presented on the Sara Bellum Blog is in the public domain. Public domain information may be freely distributed and copied, but please link to us and acknowledge us as the source, so more people can find our blog.
All NIH-generated images (including images that are labeled “NIDA” or “NIH”) are in the public domain and can be freely reused; again, we always appreciate being credited as the source.
Highlights of the July 3rd PSST meeting. Writing and Presenting a Contract
Posted by:Sally--Saturday, July 03, 2010
The other parents give us support and encouragement, wisdom and understanding and even some much appreciated humor. They are our comrades in this tough journey.
The meeting was attended by ten parents, who will remain anonomous: alias' Max and Mel, Candy, Ralph and Alice, Rocco and Sally and three other concerned parents who I will call Rose, Daisy and Hyacinth until they come up with a better a.k.a. for themselves.
We varied from our usual format. Instead of starting the meeting by having each parent tell in detail, where in the recovery process their teen is; each parent gave a very brief introduction and then Lloyd explained the highlights of contract writing. The most pertinent information that Lloyd gave us were the following points:
1. Prioritize and write the most important things down on the contract.
Try not to be over controlling. Leave trivial things off of the contract.
2. Only put items on the contract in which you can and will enforce.
3. When motivating your teen to follow the rules of the contract it is most effective to take the time to use the 'now technique' vs. the 'let's wait 'til you screw up and I'll blast you' method.
Getting them to follow the rules now may take some prompting. For example: "Please, clean your room now". If they don't move, step in a tad bit closer to them and say in the same firm but moderate voice, "Clean your room now. I will not let up until you get out of that chair and clean your room." Continue this until you get them to do the chore.
At first, this will be difficult for the parent and it is very important that if you start the 'now technique' you must keep prompting them until they do get up and follow the rule. You need to be successful the first time. When you use the 'now technique' make sure you have the time, stamina and enough creative humor to follow through. The process will get easier each time you use it. Your child becomes more self motivated by internalizing that they need to do it 'now' than if you punish them later for not doing something or if you reinforce their good behavior when they do follow the rules.
4. Another very important point is that people are motivated when they are given a challenge.
When a teen is presented with a list of rules in which they are to follow, they will most likely crinkle up the piece of paper and toss it across the floor and say "This is Bull S.... I can't do all of this". The most powerful words you can say in response are: "YOU ARE RIGHT, this is a lot of stuff that we expect from you. With your present attitude this may be too much, never the less, we expect you to follow these rules. We can talk about the rules and some of them can be negotiable now and some may be negotiable in the future."
Agree with them and then give them the challenge to try their best to abide by the rules.
5. When a rule is broken follow through with a consequence.
Use the smallest and most appropriate consequence which you can think of. Save the other consequences for the next time. The most important thing is not the consequence or if the chore is done perfectly or not. The most important thing is the message you are sending them. I think the message is: Mom and Dad have changed. We are in control and we call the shots in this home.
After Lloyd instructed us on how to write a contract we broke off into three groups. Each group was given a scenerio of a recovering teen, the contracts were discussed and then written. Each group then did a role-play on presenting the contract to their teen. Everyone was enthusiastic and seemed to learn a lot.
We even found time for a break with some hot coffee and delicious sweets. We ended up with enough time to allow Candy to go into some detail about her teen and we offered her some advice from our collective experience.
I would like to end by saying that I glanced around the room while Lloyd was giving advice on writing contracts. I saw nine sets of concerned eyes staring and at full attention. Each parent was leaning forward in their chair and intent on the speaker. I realized that we all want the same thing. We all love our troubled teens and passionately want them to recover. It brought to mind the following words of wisdom that Lloyd wrote in the post titled Who Moved the Cheese. It speaks about the importance of patience. Here is the excerpt from that post:
"Once again, it’s ironic, but as Cisco senses that you are prepared to patiently wait for the change, and that you aren’t going to return to enabling him while you are waiting, that tends to speed up his time-table for change. When (if) he senses that you just have to have him make all these changes, and make them now, then he senses the power-shift coming back to him and that feeling of a power-shift is toxic to an addict."
Hope to see you all and anyone else who will benefit from PSST at the next meeting.
I'm not sure if I covered everything completely so please feel free to interject comments and corrections.
Three scenarios for July 3rd meeting (video plays at bottom of post)
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Friday, June 25, 2010
If we have enough parents we will divide up into three smaller groups and ask each group to build a contract for each of the seperate scenarios, given the limited amount of info you get in each scenario. Then, we are asking each smaller group to role-play the Contract Scenario. No one has to be part of the role-play and, indeed, usally everyone can't get involved because you only need two or three to do a role-play; although if you want to include a PO and/ or a Therapist in your role-play you can raise that to three, four, or five.
Additionally, we are OPEN FOR SUGGESTIONS on scenarios. If you write one up and email it to Sally or me ahead of time, it is possible that we will add yours to the mix or use the one you submit instead of one of the three listed here. You can find Sally's email up at the top right of our blog. Mine is lloyd.woodward@alleghenycourts.us
This way everyone who reads the blog gets a chance to add to the fun ahead of time if they like. In fact, I'm sure that preferential treatment will be given to any scenarios that are submitted by parents over the three that I have listed here, but at least these three should give the reader an idea of what we are looking for. Each scenario should be no longer than one page if possible. Like they used to say on Dragnet, "Just the facts, Ma'am." Please use pen names.
Scenario 1: Johnny
Juvenile: Johnny is 16. He has finished outpatient. He stayed clean for the whole time. Now he is out of rehab for three weeks. The parents think he might be using again or he might be starting to use again. For one thing the school reports that he has started skipping some of his classes again. For another, his old friends have started to call him again although he denies that he has been hanging out with them. Also, he has come home late several times now, at 1:00 in the morning and he won’t say why he is late.
John is into music. He writes a lot of his own music. The parents don’t understand it but it seems to have a lot of blood, violence, sex and drugs in it for their liking. John lives with his father and his stepmother. He insists that if they have to sit down to do a contract that his stepmother not be a part of it. He resents her apparently and often is disrespectful to her by saying things like, “you should know.” And “it takes one to know one.” He is also fond of reminding her, “You’re not my mother.” He never swears or calls her names but his statements to her often carry a disrespectful tone and imply that she has done something very wrong by being his stepmother. Johnny’s mother has remarried and now lives in Arizona. She calls and writes a couple times a month but she has stated that she is not prepared to provide a home for him and that he needs to work it out with his father. Johnny refuses to be drug tested. He also most of the time refuses to do any house hold chores or to keep his room clean. When confronted, he says “Let her do it (meaning his stepmother.) Have three people play the stepmother, the father, and John and build a contract for Johnny.Scenario 2: Sue
Sue thinks that her mother is unfair. She knows that her mother and her father both did drugs at one time and now her mom doesn’t do drugs or drink anymore. Dad seems to be out of town a lot. Parents don’t live together anymore but Sue, who is 15 years old, goes to stay at Dad’s house once or twice a month. He lives close by with his mother who takes on most of the parenting tasks anyway. The Paternal Grandmother and the mother have always been cordial but never close. Sue has been in IOP (Intensive Outpatient)for three weeks. She has dirty urine for weed but only one time. She does well at school and getting her out of bed in the morning is no problem. She was caught doing weed at school originally and so now she attends an alternative school. She has made some new friends from the alternative school but the parents think they are creepy. Sue says they don’t use drugs. Sue says that when she gets out of IOP she will use again. This scares her mother and her father. The parents and the school insisted that she attend IOP and she seems angry and says that she will get even some day- “you just wait, MOM, someday you’ll be sorry you and Dad turned against me.” Really, it was the school that insisted that sue go to IOP but still Sue is angry about that. Sue loves to play Halo online. It’s her passion. She prides herself that she is one of the few girls who really know Halo. Sometimes she is up all night playing and texting on her cell phone. Her cell phone is so fancy that all her friends are jealous. Her father has bought it for her without consulting mom. Sue keeps her room clean and now and then she helps out around the house but it’s never something she does on a regular basis. Sue went to a few 12-step meetings but she can’t stand them and says she will never go back. Father and mother get together with Sue to do a contract.
Scenario 3: Freddy
Freddy can’t wake up for school. When he gets to school he does great but he usually misses several morning classes. The mother has tried a lot of things to wake him up but nothing seems to work. He gets really angry when his parents try to wake him up and he calls them names, curses, and breaks things. A he is 17 years old. He has never had a relationship with his father. He completed inpatient and then completed IOP. He was able to stay away from all old people places and things and he has stayed clean for nine months now. He went to a lot of 12-step meetings but he doesn’t go anymore- says he doesn’t need meetings and that he doesn’t want to get high anyways. His girlfriend and he met when he was inpatient. They have been dating since they got out. She has relapsed to alcohol a couple of times but Freddy stays clean. She doesn’t go to 12-step anymore either. Freddy has a chance to graduate high school on time- he is almost 18-but the fact that he can’t get up is a big problem. He has his own car and a part-time job but he is still on his mother’s insurance and she holds the title to his car, which he is paying her back for helping to buy it. He works three days a week after school and he never misses work and he is never late. He drives to school. The mother has tried to tell him that if he doesn’t get up and get to school on time he will not be able to drive. He says Ok, and then if he can’t drive he won’t go to school at all. The mother feels desperate to see her son graduate so she backs off. Recently, however, she has been reading up on contracts with teenagers and she decides to put one together for Freddy. Freddy’s mother still randomly urine screens him a couple times a week and he is always clean. She has made it clear that if he uses he will have to go back into treatment and/or get out of the house. Neither is something Freddy wants to do. He knows that his mother is serious about the drugs but he believes that is all she really cares enough about to take action over. He doesn’t mind the drug tests. He doesn’t mind much except getting up for school otherwise he is pretty easy to get along with. Freddy and mom meet to do a contract. (Video below is Happy Fourth of July from Kathie & Lloyd)
Rules and contracts
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Wednesday, June 23, 2010
We have a request by Rocco to cover rules and contracts at our July 3rd meeting. Soon, Cisco will probably be released back home. In preparation for our July 3rd meeting I have some thoughts to share with your on this topic. 
If you have a rule you can't or don't want to enforce, then don't have it. Try to prioritize the important things and then try not to over-control in other areas. Remember, every moment cannot be a teaching moment. There is an art to also relaxing and enjoying your teenager. Try to cultivate that art. Your teen is funny, charming, clever, bold, and caring. Build on his strengths. Are contracts important? Yes, essential, but other things are important too. Find humor. It will heal.
One of the most important things about contracts is that you have to write them down. It's not necessary to write down contracts in all families, but when you have control issues, drug problems, and /or Juvenile Court youth, suddenly writing things down becomes really key.
When sanctioning, use only as much power as necessary to get the teenagers behavior back on track. Power helps you most when you only use it when you have to use it. Use the technique "now" (when possible) to enforce rules without using punishment.
When your teenager balks at the rules that you come up with and/ acts outraged that you dare attempt to write down rules, agree with your teen, "yes, it's true, these rules are really going to be a challenge for you- you might have trouble with this contract." Don't try to defend why you need these rules. Most of them, curfew, get approval for where and with whom you spend time, clean your room are self-explanatory anyways.
We have several posts on rules and contracts. I will post links to two here.
Rules of the Road posted by Ken Thursday, July 19, 2007
Home Contract by Caron Foundation posted Tuesday, May 06, 2008
PSST Fathers: Persevering, Skillful, Supportive & Terrific
Posted by:Sally--Monday, June 21, 2010
HAPPY FATHER'S DAY
“When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years.” – Mark Twain
I always have to chuckle at Mark Twain's quote on fatherhood. He got it so right..... It is a rare teenager who appreciates his father until he grows up. Never the Less I have seen super terrific dads at PSST meetings.
These terrific fathers share their stories with so much wisdom and sometimes even greater humor than Mark Twain himself. They are not afraid to reach out for the help they need in raising their teenagers and then they turn around and reach out to help others.
Some of us are lucky enough to have one of them as a partner. This added support is something we appreciate beyond measure. Some of them are step-fathers who learn the skills to be a positive force in their step-child's life. Sometimes they come without a partner to gain the skills they need in raising a teen on their own. No matter how they come to PSST - We are so lucky and proud to have them with us.
They persevere and "Fly Above the Storm";
They "Learn to Unlearn" and then pick up new ways of being very skillful at dealing with teenage addicts.
They have enough insight to "Really Listen to their Teen" instead of always talking.
Yes, PSST fathers are "Our Top Dogs".
Persevering - Skillful - Supportive - Terrific
Summary of June 19th PSST Meeting - by "Max"
Posted by:Sally--Sunday, June 20, 2010
A Tale of Three Moms - Summary of June 19th PSST Meeting by "Max"
Today was a great PSST meeting at Outreach Teen & Family Services in Mt. Lebanon, even though there were only 3 moms in attendance. We missed all our usual attendees; NEVERTHELESS, the small number allowed each of us to give detailed updates with lots of helpful insights from Lloyd, as well as many more donuts to choose from.
1. We discussed a mother who made sure her son was placed into an inpatient recovery program despite complications from her ex-husband.
2. We had an update on the progress of two brothers in their recovery program.
3. We finished up with a discussion on a daughter who has relapsed.
One parent brought us up to date on her son's placement at Abraxas. We discussed how complicated and difficult it is for her to have an ex spouse who continually tries to place blame with counter-productive comments. Lloyd helped her to TAKE BACK SOME CONTROL by blocking this block-head's number, and refusing to respond to the negative and most unhelpful comments.
I brought the group up to date with my son Michaels' release from the Academy and immediate entry in to PHP Gateway, and my other son David's release from this same Gateway program, and his upcoming school plans.
Much of today's focus was on a mom and her daughter, who I shall dub Candy and Tori Spelling for anonymity and simplicity purposes only (there is no resemblance whatsoever - its' just a famous mom and daughter combo)!
Candy and her husband Aaron are once again dealing with Tori's drug use. Tori has been in and out of 2 rehab programs, always doing well initially, but too quickly falling back into using.
Tori just graduated from high school, which was a big accomplishment due to this up and down school year, and all the celebrations that Candy and Aaron were so anxious to participate in was clouded over by Tori's most recent drug use, hence, non compliance with her home contract. Candy and Aaron are NOT enablers; even though it pained them, they showed Tori the door, and changed the locks. Tori is now couch surfing and partying, but her money is running low. Everyone is worried and sad, especially because a big family trip is to take place soon. Should Tori be allowed to come? What if she doesn't show up? What if she comes and ruins everyone's time? What if she goes through withdrawal while everyone is sitting in the sun, relaxing? What if she tries to bring drugs and gets screened at the airport? These and other questions were discussed by the group, facilitated thoughtfully by Lloyd.
It was time for a role-play.
Candy agreed that she and Aaron really want their daughter to join them on vacation -hopefully they would bond over the week and have some much needed fun together, which in turn would help them set the stage for serious discussion about the future when they got home...Lloyd suggested a contract of expected behavior on the trip. If Tori really wants to go, she will take the contract to heart, and try to comply. If she fears she cannot live up to the expectations, she will screen herself out, but not before her parents express their sincere desire for her to be with them:
Candy: (showing up unexpectedly at Tori's workplace) Hi, honey, how are things going?
Tori: what do you care - why are you here?
Candy: Well, I just wanted to stop by (the goal is to be brief and business-like) to remind you that our trip is in 2 weeks; we know there are family issues (talking in generalities so Tori doesn't get defensive and rage at her mother) and it's been tough lately. NEVERTHELESS, we wanted you to know that Dad and I love you very much, and we really want you to come with us on vacation.
Tori: I don't believe you - you are just trying to control me again like you always do.
Candy: Tori, you're right, I am controlling about certain things. (STOP TALKING! LET TORI MAKE THE NEXT MOVE!)
Tori: well, are you going to be psycho-mom and follow me around?
Candy: (LAUGH! ADD HUMOR!) You are so right about that! I do act like "psycho-mom" sometimes! The best part about that though, is I will be psycho-mom in a bathing suit on a beach at the ocean!!
Tori: You are so not funny. I can't stand all your rules. I suppose you are going to have a curfew for me there too!
Candy: You are right again - (pulls out a very simple, brief and to the point contract of expectations while on vacation) Dad and I wanted you to have a copy of our family vacation rules, so there would be no misunderstanding of what we expect; remember, we will be in a foreign country with another family!
Tori: (glancing at the contract) this totally sucks! I'm 18 now, I can drink legally there - are you going to try and stop me?
Candy: Tori, Dad and I are going to trust you on this one (Throwing Tori a huge curveball - telling her they will trust her to follow the rules!). As I said, we really want you to come - we just wanted to let you know what the rules will be. If you are coming, and we hope you do, please be home to pack and do laundry no later than Thursday - we don't want to miss that plane!
STOP TALKING AND LEAVE - Tori needs to sit with this surprising turn of events that caught her off guard. Candy and Aaron have accomplished many things in this conversation.
They have agreed with Tori almost every time she speaks.
They have expressed their love for her and expressed an honest desire to reconnect and have some family fun.
They also told her in as few words as possible, that if she comes she must follow rules of no drugs, alcohol and respect curfew and family time.
Tori will have to think twice before responding. Assuming Tori does desire to go on this trip and reconnect with her family, she has been made aware, in writing, of expectations. No one discussed what will happen if she doesn't comply - Candy and Aaron will want time to explore their options, and shouldn't give an answer to "what if I don't..".
If Tori passes on this trip, it will be painful, but no one is telling Tori she shouldn't come; Tori is taking herself out of the vacation.
If Tori opts out, we suggested to Candy that perhaps she could find a trusted friend of Tori's with whom she can exchange texts or calls just to check in - Candy and Aaron deserve to relax on this trip!!
Our sincere thanks to OUTREACH TEEN AND FAMILY SERVICES for the use of their space to allow PSST to empower parents of out-of-control teenagers. Outreach Teen & Family Services is a community resource for young people and their families, fostering emotionally healthy teens by providing counseling and educational programs in a welcoming and supportive environment.
The next meeting is scheduled for Saturday July 3rd 9:00 a.m. to 11:30 a.m. at the Allegheny County Eastern Probation Office in Wilkinsburg.
Please check the blog for updates.
Letter to the Judge by a concerned PSST parent.
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Saturday, June 19, 2010
At our meeting in Mt. Lebanon today one of our parents offered to share this letter that she gave to the Judge at her son's hearing. Her son continues in inpatient treatment for mental health/ drug abuse treatment. This is a reacurring theme at PSST: the system works best when parents stand up and advocate for the services that their teenagers need.
March 1, 2010
William is my only son, and it goes without saying that I love him and only want what is best for him. Over the past few weeks and months, his irrational behavior has escalated to the point where I have feared for his own safety as well as my own and others. His father expressed a concern to “keep an eye on William because I am afraid he is going to hurt himself”.
I face daily constant defiance; lack of respect, abusive language and at times an uncontrollable anger and rage that usually culminates in some form of physical destruction to my home. Any attempt to reprimand his actions or control him only escalates his anger to sometimes-frightening proportions.
Within the past month I have had the opportunity to consult with many behavioral authorities in various professions. Their opinions of his mental and emotional instabilities have reinforced my own feelings that William is in extreme need of professional mental health care, such as he would receive in a therapeutic residential facility.
I would only be comfortable bringing him home after his mental health issues are addressed.
Editors note: read an earlier posted letter to the Judge that a PSST parent read at her son's hearing: Your Honor, today I speak as a concerned and loving parent...
Let’s Do the Twist – A Summary of the June 12 PSST Meeting.
Posted by:Rocco--Friday, June 18, 2010
Kathie and Lloyd led the meeting. We had 10 parents representing 8 families. We were happy to have a nice mix of familiar faces as well as some new parents again.
Each of us had an opportunity to talk over our own situation and issues. We discussed teens that twist things around on their parents, teens that may be “experimenting” with drugs, spouses that obstruct our efforts to get help for our teens, teens that turn to alcohol, teens that are about to go into an inpatient recovery program and teens that are about to come home from an inpatient recovery program. We also went over some ways that we can get our point through to our teen without prolonged discussions, outbursts or arguments.
We would like to recognize a very special grandmother who joined us. She has dedicated her life to intervening for her children and grandchildren. She has certainly dealt with all of the above issues and more. Now she is dealing with recently telling her granddaughter that it would be best if she didn’t return home following her inpatient recovery program. This grandma is wise enough to know that there will be too many familiar triggers for her granddaughter to relapse at home. Her strength and dedication to her family is a tremendous inspiration to us all at PSST. Thank you for coming back and sharing with us. It was good to see you again.
Following is a synopsis of our three role plays. Please note that these are not supposed to be actual transcripts. But if I missed some part or idea please feel free to add a comment below.
Our first role play gave us a new twist on how to deal with our teen when we have a less than cooperative spouse.
If your spouse is not cooperating or is part of the problem; here is a way to handle the situation.
First, have a talk with your spouse when your teen is not there. Explain how you intend to handle the situation. This gives your spouse a chance to get on board. If the spouse still disagrees with what you say or does not want to cooperate; Try the following:
In this role play, the mom is the Concerned Parent, the dad is Mr. Uncooperative and the teen is named Jonnie.
Mom: (Looks directly at the teen. Even though Mr. Uncooperative is standing right at the teen’s side do not even look at him. Focus on the child.) “Jonnie, let’s keep this short. I know that you don’t like long lectures.”
Jonnie: “You got that right! All you ever do is blah, blah, blah, blah…”
Mom: “You know something, you’re right. Sometimes I do go on too long. So I will keep it short. You have missed two days of school. You WILL get up on time tomorrow. The alarm is set for 7:30 a.m. If you are not up by 7:40 I am going to pour cold water on your head to get you up for school.”
Dad: (laughs and mocks mom) “You can really act crazy sometimes dear!”
Mom: (Do not even acknowledge Mr. U. Keep your cool and do not break eye contact with your teen.)
Jonnie: “Dad is right, you ARE crazy mom. We are doing jack shyt at school now because it is the end of the year.”
Mom: (Stay focused, lean a little closer to your teen and say in a calm, firm voice.) “Regardless Jonnie, you need to be up at 7:40 a. m. to catch the bus on time. If you are not up and out of bed by 7:40 I am pouring cold water on your head.”
Dad: “Let the kid alone. No wonder he is so nervous. You make everybody nervous with all your dumb rules. Everybody skips out on a few days at the end of the year.”
Jonnie: You’re nuts. I will call Youth Services on you. I’ll have them arrest your a$.
Mom: (keeping eye contact with Jonnie only) “Never the less, you have been warned about tomorrow. (Still focusing on her teen) Your father is wrong. You will get up on time and you will go to school tomorrow. This discussion is over. Do you have any questions before I go?”
Jonnie: “Sh-y-t no.”
Mom: “Okay Jonnie, thanks for listening (Be the first to walk away).”
Mom: (calmly and directly) “Pebbles I can’t find my widget. Do you know where it is?”
Pebbles: “Sure always blame me first! Did you even ask Jonnie? Why would I even want your stupid widget?”
Mom: (lean towards your teen) “Listen Honey, I don’t want to waste a lot of your time. I know you are angry because we won’t let you go to Wilma’s party. Just tell me where my widget is so we can get this over with.”
Pebbles: “Well it IS really stupid that I can’t go to Wilma’s party. What’s your problem anyway? She has been clean for almost a month. Her mom said it is okay.”
Mom: (do not take the bait) “We already discussed the party thing, Pebbles, that subject is closed. Now get me my widget so we can both get back to what we were doing.”
Pebbles: “Even if I knew where your stupid widget was I wouldn’t tell you.”
Mom: (stay calm and lean in a little more) “Well let me make this clear. I need my widget and I need it NOW. Either I get my widget or (insert an appropriate consequence here that you know you can go through with).”
The important theme here is to calmly stick to your point, clearly state what you want. If your teen will not cooperate spell out a consequence, stick to your word and end the conversation quickly.
We discussed how some of us will sometimes fall into the trap of thinking that we can magically convince our teen to see our side if we just talk long enough. In reality after a few minutes our teens are in “Charlie Brown Land” and all they hear from us is “Bla-bla-bla-bla-bla-bla-bla…”
Counselor: So how are things going this week? (Wilma studies her nails)
Mom: “Pretty well mostly. Wilma does not like going to her meetings but she made one. She is still not doing all that well at school. I arranged for her to be tutored after school but she has been skipping it a lot.”
Counselor: “How are things going at home?”
Wilma: (Wilma does a big eye roll) “Same as always. Things will never change because she won’t change. I work my a$$ off in my program and all she does is b--ch at me. She has no idea how hard it is. She will never change.”
Mom: “Well Wilma has a hard time getting up on time for the bus in the morning and I usually need to ride her to school late. I don’t think she even considers that it makes me late for work. And it’s mostly because she is on her cell phone until 1:00 o’clock in the morning. I keep telling her to get off the phone and shut off her music and get some sleep but I might as well bang my head on the wall. Also, I have asked her to stop hanging around with her friend Pebbles. I don’t think Pebbles is a good influence…”
Counselor: (Looking away from Mom) “What do you think Wilma. Are you having trouble getting up.”
Wilma: “Well, yeah! Her and Dad drive me crazy. They like have all of these lame rules and they are like always yelling at me. They call me a stupid addict. They are, you know, like the main reason that I feel like using. They drive me f---ing crazy. They will never get it. I hang out with Pebbles ‘cause like she is like the only one who understands me. We really need each other to talk to ‘cause like her Mom is like psycho too. So I am on the phone trying to calm her down and this b—ch is like in my face screaming at me to get off the phone, and like Pebbles is talking about running away or something. It is always the same bullsh-t with those two.”
Counselor: “Wow, it sounds like you had a really rough week.”
This is where we as parents usually want to blow up on the counselor and our teen and twist both of their necks. But this is where it is time for Mom to do the TWIST!
Mom: “You know something honey you really do have it rough. It is true that sometimes with my job and taking care of your brother and sister and everything else I forget to tell you how much I appreciate your situation. And I am going to try to change. I am going to pay closer attention to what you are doing and who you are hanging around with.”
Wilma: “Yeah sure we’ll be like best friends, huh? You’ll just keep yelling at me like the crazy b—ch that you are.”
Mom: (leaning closer to her teen) “No honey. I don’t want to be your best friend. I want to be your mom. And you are right, I do need to change. I really need to stop worrying so much about hurting your feelings and work more on stopping you from hurting yourself. I think that we can start by taking away your cell phone. And then Dad and I will need to come up with a good set of rules in our house. Thanks for helping me see what a b—ch I have been. But you know honey (lean in a little closer) I will try my best not to raise my voice any more. But I will continue to be a crazy b—ch if that is what it takes to keep you clean.”
Sally and I have found that the more we practice role-plays the better we are at thinking on our feet when confronted by our teen. When we both react quickly and consistently we keep the power.
Remember our two favorite words NEVERTHELESS and REGARDLESS. Try to get BUT totally out of your vocabulary. Or as one of my favorite people loves to always remind me “Everything you say after the word BUT is BS.”We all would like to sincerely thank Trinity Lutheran Church for the use of their first class facilities to allow PSST to empower parents of out-of-control teenagers. This is a great example of how Trinity Lutheran has been reaching out and serving Wexford and the northern suburbs since 1845.
We look forward to seeing more concerned parents next Saturday, June 19 at the PSST meeting at the Outreach Teen and Family Services located in Mt. Lebanon at 666 Washington Road (There is free parking in the back lot).
Gratitude for My Sons Recovery by a Grateful Father
Posted by:Sally--Tuesday, June 08, 2010
Last week I was thinking about all the positive changes that happened in my life in the past year. I am very grateful that my son is back in my life and grateful for his recovery. I called my son’s PO, Lloyd Woodward to thank him for his help and support. Lloyd asked me to write about my experiences with my son on the PSST website because other parents dealing with their teen’s addiction need to hear a successful story. Due to confidentially, I will refer to my son as Stevo.
Even though Stevo’s mother and I separated when he was young, Stevo visited me on weekends and during the summer. We were close and had a good relationship. I became aware of Stevo’s drug abuse when he was 14. The police came to my home to notify me that Stevo was caught smoking weed at the skate board park and that he was no longer allowed at the park. Stevo lost privileges and I lost trust. He visited less and less at my home, and eventually the visits stopped all together. Stevo began running away as his drug use took over his life. I had no contact with him for about a year and a half. During that time I had no peace of mind. I could not be happy because I did not know what was happening with my son. I know how addiction can take over you life because I am in recovery. I also knew that his drug use would eventually cause him trouble with the law or worse.
Last spring, I received a letter from the Pyramid Ridgeview Treatment Facility that Stevo was in their program. I tried to contact him there but was unable to obtain any information. I hired an attorney to help me track him down. The attorney put me in touch with Stevo’s PO, Lloyd Woodward. I was very relieved that Stevo was safe, in treatment and in the system. I met with Lloyd at his office. I was totally honest with Lloyd about my current situation, addiction and recovery. He allowed me to write Stevo who by then was in a court ordered placement at Abraxas. My letter was returned unopened. I then contacted Stevo’s therapist at Abraxas and was permitted a 6 hour visit with Stevo. I was very surprised with the change in his appearance. He was taller, heavier, and covered with tattoos and piercings. When we hugged it was the best I felt for the passed 3 years. That visit went well but when the time came for the next visit, Stevo had runaway. When he was picked up 16 hours later, he had cut his wrist and was facing additional charges. Abraxas gave him a second chance and he was allowed to remain in their program. The visits continued and slowly Stevo began filling in the blanks about his activities during the years we were apart.
During the visits I tried to keep him focused “on leaving the past in the past”, “doing the next best thing” and “moving forward”. His attitude started to change which was the first step in his recovery. He was able to admit he had a problem and had no power over it. He became more respectful and showed gratitude for the chance to change his life. Towards the end of his stay at Abraxas, Stevo was permitted two weekend visit to my home which went very well. Even though I believed Stevo was ready to be discharged to my home, PO Woodward recommended to the court that Stevo be step-downed to the Liberty Station Halfway House.
Stevo initially had difficulty accepting his placement at Liberty Station. His behavior was up and down. He did successfully complete his GED while there and became involved in the Life’s Work Program. At the end of January he was successfully discharged to my home. I made a commitment to PO Woodward that I would support Stevo by making sure he completed 90 Recovery Related Activities in 90 Days. Stevo did more than the 90 Activities. He attended the Intensive Outpatient Program at the Irene Stacy Center 3 time a week for 3 hours a day and voluntarily extended his time there. He and I attended N/A Meetings together and at times had to walk several miles in the snow to get there.
WOW - I am grateful that I was able to reconnect with my son. I am surprised how far we have come in the past year. I now trust Stevo. I am no longer worried that when he goes out that he will not come back. He stays away from the people, places and things that will cause him to relapse. Our conversations still focus on “doing the right thing” and “not picking up”. I have less fear now and more hope for the future. The fears I still have are that of any parent of a 17 year old. Things are not perfect of course. I would like Stevo to find a job that he likes and we are still working on “accepting life on life’s terms.”
I am grateful for all the support Stevo and I have received from PO Woodward, and his Supervisor Val Ketter, Abraxas, Liberty Station, Life’s Work and the family therapists from WSS.
A TIME TO COME HOME, A TIME TO STAY HOME, A TIME TO LEAVE HOME - SUMMARY OF THE JUNE 5 PSST MEETING
Posted by:Rocco--Sunday, June 06, 2010
We had a really encouraging turnout and a good time at this week’s PSST meeting in Wilkinsburg.
Kathie and Lloyd led the meeting. We had 12 parents including 4 dads. We were happy to have a nice mix of familiar faces as well as some new parents. We were especially glad to meet one dad (who has been actively involved in his teens’ recovery) who took time away from running the family business to attend.
Sally and I were told years ago at an elementary school meeting on self esteem: “Your child has a big advantage in their life because you cared enough to attend this meeting.”
Although your son or daughter may be in a “bad place” right now they have a “big advantage” in their life because you cared enough to attend a PSST meeting. More than likely they will not grasp the “big advantage” concept and in all probability resent that you go to “those meetings where you are misled by that crazy dude.”
NEVERTHELESS they are in a better place because you do care enough to try to save their life.
Each of the parents had an opportunity to discuss their own situation and issues. We talked about how we can handle our troubled teenagers that are at home, our teenagers that are about to return home and about when it is time to tell our teen that it is time to leave home.
Each of these is a tough situation.
If our troubled child is living at home we need to give them clear rules on how they are to behave and what is expected of them. Next we need to provide specific consequences if they break the rules (consequences that we know that we can follow through with). This can be as simple as taking away privileges, cell phones, computer access and i-pods or as serious as having charges filed against them. If we suspect drug or alcohol use (click on the “TIME TO ACT!” link at the top right side of the PSST Blog) one of the key things they will need to agree to is random drug testing. When you come to a PSST meeting we can explain where you can get the various test kits at a reasonable price.
If our child has left home and is asking to come back home we must insist on their agreement to the same rules and consequences as above. Written contracts are a big help here. One of the rules should be that, prior to their return, they need to enter a treatment program and be professionally evaluated. This is probably one of the hardest things to stick to. They will always promise to enter the program after we allow them to come back home. They must enter the program first.
If our teen is in an inpatient recovery program they will be constantly insisting on why they should be home. Before they come home for good try a few home passes if offered. See Lloyd’s post on Home Passes below this one. The basic theme of the Home Pass should be: the child’s home time is to be spent with you and your family. This should be time to begin to reconnect and heal our relationships. It should not be a time to have friends over, talk to friends on the phone or on the computer. Very important: Do not be afraid to share with their counselors how the visit went – good or bad. This will help them in their evaluation of your teen.
If our teen is about to complete their inpatient recovery program and return home; Congratulations! Now spend the last few weeks while they are still in the program getting your family ready for their return. Follow the same rules above about setting clear rules, expected behaviors and consequences. Be strong and insist on the terms being spelled out in a written contract. Do not expect your child to readily agree to all of the terms. That’s okay. If they are going to act out then let them do it while they are in their program and they are under the care of professional counseling. Remember that the terms of their contract can be modified by you at any time depending on their behavior – good or bad.
And then we have the case of our child acting out at home and it's time to go. Our child will not follow our rules, refuses counseling and may be using. They may or may not have completed a recovery program. The time to act is NOW.
If our child is a minor there are options like Act 53 (asking the Court to declare your child to be in need of involuntary drug and/or alcohol treatment services) or having them placed on probation.
If our child is no longer a minor we need to tell them that it is time for them to leave. They may leave willingly or we may need to engage the local police to escort them out. If necessary get a Protection from Abuse Order. Here is a link to the Allegheny County DA’s web site explaining the PDA - http://www.da.allegheny.pa.us/dv_Protection_From_Abuse_Orders.asp
We always need to consider our safety and the safety of our family first.
If and when they ask to come back home (and if we have left that possibility open) we will need to follow the steps above.
Please feel free to attend a PSST meeting to discuss any of these situations. There is no cost or obligation.
PSST is here to assist and support concerned parents to take the power back, to regain control of their teens, their home and their own lives. The meetings are a place where you can talk openly with professionals and other parents about your own situation. We understand where you are at because we have been in a similar place. You will notice a lot of us nodding in agreement with you.
A note to new parents attending their first PSST Meeting: The first meeting may seem a bit overwhelming and you might feel a little uncomfortable. That is okay. Sally and I felt that way when we attended our first meeting three years ago. We now wish that we would have stuck it out longer. Regardless we were happy to be able to return two years later for our second meeting and find acceptance as well as a lot of support, wisdom and understanding. Our family is now healing, hopeful and heading in the right direction.
We followed up our discussion with two role plays.
The first Role Play concerned insisting on action NOW. From the time our children were toddlers we found that we would have less confrontation and conflict if we picked up their toys, their clothes or cleaned their room. Some of us now employ this method with our spouse or significant other.
IT IS TIME TO STOP LETTING THEM SLIDE, NOW!
Whether it is doing the dishes, taking out the trash, working on their recovery or finishing a job they've started. Whether it is your child, your spouse or significant other; Start insisting that they do (whatever) NOW. Click here to read Lloyd’s March, 2010 post on Who is the big dog at your house? Featured technique: use of "NOW"
As Lloyd notes: DO NOT USE THIS WORD (NOW) unless you really mean it and are prepared to drop everything and stay with your teenager (spouse or significant other) until task is accomplished. No threats are necessary and in fact, threatening at this point might be counter-productive and cause unnecessary resentment.
The second Role Play was a parent introducing a new rule to their unruly teenager. Max really captured the essence of most of our teens here. As our role-play dad did: Go into the discussion prepared. Start off by explaining to the teen that they may not agree with what you have to say. Tell them that they may not even like it. Clearly and simply state the rule. Explain the consequences. Don’t expect your teen to think that your rule is “just swell”. Do your best not to get into a prolonged discussion or debate on the rule. If your teen protests how hard that the rule will be to follow be sure to take the opportunity to agree with them – “You’re Right! It will be hard at first.” – and even attempt to get in a compliment – “I’m glad that you're smart enough to understand that and I know that you're mature enough that you can do it if you try.” End the conversation as quickly as possible and walk away.
After the meeting a couple of us discussed suicide threats.
Both suicide threats and attempts should always be taken very seriously.
The threat of suicide can be frightening enough to cause some parents to “walk on eggshells” and to give their child whatever they want.
PLEASE NOTE: Even if you feel that your child’s suicide threat is nothing more than a manipulative tactic you need to IMMEDIATELY take them to the nearest emergency room for an evaluation.
If they are truly suicidal they will receive the help they need. If the child was merely using the threat as a manipulative tactic to get their way, the trip to the E.R. and the evaluation will tend to discourage them from using this as a tactic in the future.
Never ignore or minimize a suicide threat or a suicide attempt.
Our thanks to the Allegheny County Eastern Probation Office for the use of their space.
The next Parent Survival Skills Training (PSST) meeting is Saturday June 12 from 9:00 a.m. to 11:30 a.m. at the Trinity Lutheran Church 2500 Brandt School Road, Wexford, PA 15090
C'mon in and join us.
Our PSST meetings are open to all parents who are serious about making a difference in their children’s life.
